EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

How to Ace the Office Christmas party

2011-12-17T22:34:00.001-08:00

OH NO! THE HOLIDAY OFFICE PARTY IS A SITDOWN DINNER!
Q: What's harder than knowing how to shine at the Christmas office party?
A: Knowing how to shine when it's a seated dinner.

The open-format Christmas office party is a piece of cake compared to a seated lunch or dinner. At a buffet-type function you can move around, which means you can disappear when you want to. You don't want to get caught hiding out in the ladies' room all night, but since you're free to move around, you can leave any person or group when you want, and even leave the room.

However, at the seated affair you are trapped. If it strikes fear in your heart, you aren't alone. Even for a pro, this isn't easy. Here are some tips:

IT ISN'T A PARTY

Never forget this. It may superficially appear different (new place, new people), but remember everything you say can and will be used against you.

You'll be seeing these people Monday morning. If you think it's hard to face a one-night stand after creeping out of her house in the middle of the night, wait till you have to face your boss Monday morning after getting sloppy drunk Saturday night and spilling your guts about some personal problem you can't handle. I mean how will (s)he expect you to be a competent Marketing Director when you were crying because your cat had died? I know the two things have nothing to do with one another, but your boss doesn't.

Think of the word "mortifying." No one needs to know about your hysterectomy, how well Viagra works for you, that your young wife left you, that you think the new manager stinks, or anything else about your personal life.

You simply are not free to say anything you want to.

FOLLOW THE LEADER

Once seated, you must watch the leader to know what to do. It can be the boss, or his or her spouse, whichever one is dominant. Watch what they're doing. Emily Post may say not to eat asparagus with your fingers, but if your boss' wife is, you really need to think about it. In most cases, I'd go ahead and do it along with her. If you don't, you're making a statement. It's that important what your boss and his or her partner do. Don't start to eat until they do. If they don't order dessert, you don't. Monkey see, monkey do.

CONVERSATION

General conversation while you're being seated will devolve into one conversation dominated by the boss at least for a while, often for the entire meal. Your job is to pay attention. If the boss, sometimes aided and abetted by a crony or colleague, starts in on a monologue, be an attentive audience. Look horrified if something bad happened, laugh if he tells a joke, maintain eye contact, be respectful. It can amount to a performance. It's almost always dominated by males.

FOOLS RUSH IN
There may be lulls in this monologue from the boss. Don't attempt to fill them if you're an amateur. Nowhere does the expression "fools rush in where angels fear to tread" apply more fully.

You don't know this side of your boss. You don't know her sense of humor, what annoys her, what her prejudices are, her religion, or any number of important things that you can step right into if you feel compelled to fill air time. Even the most innocent comment can get you in trouble because it's a very magnified situation - one person talking at a
time to the whole table. What you say will echo and reverberate, all the way to your next performance appraisal.

ETIQUETTE

Timing matters. No choice here. Arrive 15 minutes early and don't leave before everyone leaves.

Don't be the first to complain about anything. No matter how it appears to you, the company (boss) is putting on the affair, and criticisms will be taken personally. Don't send the meat back; don't complain about how hard the chairs are. You're a guest; be appreciative. Save face.

If the boss does complain about something, agree, but be milder about it. Never upstage. If he thinks the salmon is "atrocious," don't say, "I thought it was heavenly," or talk about a time when you got instantly ill with food poisoning over salmon one time. If he's got a big personality, he'll probably announce the salmon won't do and tell the waiter to take back everyone's. If it's more minor than that, say something like, "Yes, I think you're right, but isn't the risotto delicious?"

Conversation is the focus. Comments should never be made about what someone else is eating or isn't ("What's wrong Marcia? Don't you like the XX?") or doing. If someone knocks over their water glass, help them out surreptitiously, but keep the conversation going as if nothing had happened.

CROSS TALK

If the boss starts a conversation with the person on her side, you may do the same, but be prepared to cease if the boss takes the stage again.

Many people find this practice obnoxious, but the boss is "the presence," and it's their job to hold court. It's work and it's expected. Save any personal issues you may have about this for another time.

FISH BOWL

All of us know intuitively that the person who isn't nice to the waiter isn't a nice person at all. You are being watched.

BLEND

Match behaviors. Sedate, or rowdy, attempt to get with the spirit of the thing. Whatever personal idiosyncrasies you may have about food or spirits, keep it to yourself. No one wants to know that you're on a diet, lactose intolerant, in recovery, allergic to chocolate, or a vegan. Order or eat from what's available, without comment.

METALLIC? BLONG BLING?
What to wear? Office festive, which means a muted Christmas pin, scarf or tie, but don't be shouting "Christmas." Stay within the normal range for attire at your office adding only a 'nod' to the holidays. If you don't know the difference between "professional dress up" and "party attire," you're going to flunk. This is not a time for skins, latex, cleavage, a lot of hairy chest exposed, a jingle bell bracelet, or anything remotely approaching a "costume."

You may feel like Mrs. Santa or the Christmas Elf that night, but Monday morning you're going to be HR Director or Senior Accountant, and how can they respect you when they were staring at your exposed breasts across the table?

DON'T ENJOY YOURSELF
Sorry, it's one of the most stressful things you can go through. You are trapped for an hour or more of scrutiny, you have to think every moment, and you mustn't relax.

If you're new to this, observe others to know what to do, imitate the person you think is most savvy, and resist all urges to stand out in any way. There's nothing wrong with sitting there, smiling, and saying a little when spoken to. Observe with the intent of learning. Notice what goes over well and what doesn't, and make mental notes for the next time.

P.S. HOOK UP AFTERWARDS?

You gotta be kidding. You WORK with these people. The Holiday Office Party is 2nd only to New Year's Eve for doing something you'll seriously regret Monday morning around the water cooler.

Don't go there.

FOR INDIVIDUALIZED COACHING ON LIFE SKILLS, TRANSITION, EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, CAREER, PROFESSION, RETIREMENT, ETC. call me Susan Dunn at 1-817-734-1471. Reduced rates for the holidays for The EQ Course (tm) - just in time for your New Year's Resolutions. $99. email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and mention this offer.

Demographic Trends Predict Greater Need for EQ in Workplace

2011-09-20T19:16:00.000-07:00

Demographic Trends Predict Greater need for EQ in Workplace
By: Susan Dunn

Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach, coaches individuals and executives in emotional intelligence, and offers workshops, presentations, trainings, Internet courses and ebooks. She is a regular presenter for the Royal Caribbean and Costa cruiselines. Visit her on the web at www.susandunn.cc and mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine.

SUSAN DUNN ALSO TRAINS AND CERTIFIES COACHES IN ALL AREAS. Email her at sdunn@susandunn.cc for more information on becoming a certified coach.

Demographic trends and experiential evidence build a strong case for getting emotional intelligence in your business right away if you want to retain good employees.

There is a demographic trend of which HR personnel, management, and CEOs need to be aware. According to trends analyst, Cheryl Russell, by the year 2005, the most common household in the US will be single-person households. "Never before in American history has living alone been the predominant lifestyle," says Russell, and the time is fast approaching.

According to the American Association for Single people (www.singlesrights.com/main.html), the 2000 UC Census reported that 82 million men and women in the United States are unmarried. This figure includes nearly 20 million adults who are divorced, 13.6 million who are widowed, and more than 48 million who have never married.

•More than 48% of all households in the nation are headed by unmarried individuals.
•About 40% of the workforce is unmarried.
•Approximately 36% of people who voted in the last national election were unmarried.
•About 27 million Americans live alone, while about 2 million adults live with an unmarried partner
The Census Bureau has projected that between the ages of 15 and 85, the average man and woman will experience more years being unmarried than they will being married. According to this data, a huge and growing population is choosing to be alone. If you define adults as those over 18, 44% of US adults - that's nearly half -- are singles.

At the same time, more Americans than ever are divorcing. The number of divorced men and women has more than quadrupled in the past 3 decades: 4.3 million to 18.3 million. According to one study, in all but the 55 to 64 age group, 30% or more of the population is single. Of the 18 to 24 age group, 85.9% are single. This is a very substantial change from a generation ago, and this is the group that will be coming your way!

The American Association for Single People (AASP) states its mission as follows: "Because government and corporate policies are often not fair to unmarried Americans, there is a need for an organization to be an advocate for this large and growing unmarried constituency - an advocate for equality and equity. The AASP has done extensive studies of census data and report the following trends:

Single Family households: 1960, 13.1%; 1980, 22.7%; 2000, 25.5%
Married Couples: 1960, 74.3%; 1980, 60.8%; 2000, 52.8%
Unmarried Adults 18+ 1970, 28.3%; 1980, 34.3%; 2000, 40.4%
Their projection for 2010 is that 47.2% of the adults over the age of 18 will be unmarried.

If we assume that this trend continues, and Cheryl Russell is not the only one who thinks it will, what will this mean to the workplace?

I'm going to make two points regarding these demographic trends, and then build a case for bringing emotional intelligence programs into the workplace, and I want you to follow my line of reasoning here.

First of all, there will be increasing pressure for economic, political and legal reforms to accommodate this shift to unmarried adults.

Secondly, it seems apparent that adults are going to be seeking more connection, more social contact, and more emotional expression at work - with nearly half of workers being single.

While living alone does not necessarily mean lonely, it does mean that whatever emotional needs were being met previously by marriage will not be met. It may mean wider social networks, with more expectations that these needs be met at work since most adults work at least 8 hours a day, sometimes many more hours. And those who are unmarried and live alone will, well, go home alone.

Those adults who live alone will have less emotional support and fewer outlets for emotional expression and meaningful contact outside of the workplace. We have already become aware that among the homeless population, a large number of single mothers rely upon a child for their major source of emotional support which is not adequate, and is not good for either the child or the mother.

And, meanwhile, what is the biggest problem for most employers today? Finding good workers and retaining them. In the same way that the workplace began, of necessity, to accommodate to the needs of dual-working couples, by providing flexible schedules and on-site daycare for instance, the smart company is going to begin thinking about what these demographics mean, and how to provide for what is going to be needed if they hope to attract and keep the best workers.

It seems to me that two forces are going to come together -- a continued need to secure and retain the best employees, and the growing number of single or unmarried adults in the workforce - and mandate bringing more emotional intelligence into the workplace.

And why the call for more emotional intelligence? We're already seeing an emphasis on what were formerly called "soft skills" because of the wisdom of experience. It has become evident in recent years, as downsizing, over-workload, information escalation and accelerated rate of change demand more and more teamwork and shared resources, that IQ, intellect, training, education and expertise are no longer sufficient alone.

The productive and valuable employee, the visionary leader, and the effective manager must also have those competencies which we call emotional intelligence, or EQ. They must be able to negotiate win-win situations, forge teams and work with them, share information, have, use and nurture interpersonal skills to forward projects, lead with integrity and intentionality, be able to handle constructive discontent, be adaptable and flexible in the face of chaotic change, be creative, and remain resilient.

Now let's pause for a moment to consider an example of how intellect and emotional intelligence work together optimally. If times are turbulent now, consider the late 1950s when the launch of Sputnik forced the US into the space race, already a day late and a dollar behind. Our IQ-EQ example will be William Pickering, known as "The Rocket Man". Less than 3 months after Sputnik was launched in 1957, Explorer I was launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida, and Pickering was the man behind this phenomenal feat.
He was and is, a central figure in the American space race.

Pickering had all the proper degrees - a B.S. in Electrical Engineering, and a Ph.D. in Physics, and he was appointed Director of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in 1954, but not solely because of his intellect. Consider who else was around at the time - von Braun and van Allen, for two examples.

As one newspaper article put it, "[Pickering's] rise to the top had to do with both how well he knew science and how well he knew scientists. His role of director was a multifaceted one: not only was his scientific and technical expertise to the fore, but his antipodean diplomacy was required to lead not only volatile and brilliant scientists, but also work with politicians and the military hierarchy during the pressure cooker political environment of the Cold War."

"As lab director, he had to bring Dr. James van Allen and Dr. von Braun, two geniuses, together for a common goal in an incredibly short time frame, while breathing down their necks was [sic] the government, the Pentagon and the patriot demands of the American people." [www.harvardsquarelibrary.org/unitarians/pickering.html] Later followed Explorer II and Venus.

Former president of Caltech Thomas E. Everhart said of Pickering: "More than any other individual, Bill Pickering was responsible for America's success in exploring the planets-an endeavor that demanded vision, courage, dedication, expertise and the ability to inspire two generations of scientists and engineers...."

Pickering, then, is a fine example of someone who had both IQ and EQ; the education, expertise and intelligence combined with the ability to unite people and inspire others to work together toward a common goal, and, I would add, the ability to handle a veritable cauldron of emotion. Call it pressure, if you will.

So this is one mandate for emotional intelligence, and the one that exists regardless of extraneous conditions: We are simply more effective when we are able to manage our emotions and the emotions of others, to relate well, to inspire, coalesce teams, motivate, find creative solutions, get along, and lead. Research shows us that we need our emotions and our intellect, expertise, training and skills in order to make good decisions, remain intentional, function with integrity, generate alternatives, solve problems creatively, relate well interpersonally, manage stress, and remain resilient.

The other mandate for emotional intelligence is trend-dependent - a workforce of increasingly single and/or unmarried persons whose emotional and social needs may be pressing, and who may be seeking to meet more of these at work, or at any rate to exercise them.

Let's state it more bluntly: if you want to attract and retain the best workers, a cold, authoritarian, sterile and unfeeling workplace is not going to cut it. A human being can't live alone in the evening and at night, and then work alone all day in an emotionally inert atmosphere. Isolation - literally or figuratively - has been shown repeatedly to be as bad for our health or worse than smoking, high blood pressure, and/or obesity, sometimes combined. It affects both mental and physical health.

But the fact remains, we are simply going to need one another more at work, and need each other in the fullest sense, as working people with emotions and all of our humanity. We are our emotions.

We can begin now to instigate programs in the workplace that allow us to tap further into one of the most powerful of our intelligences, our emotional intelligence. When we experience and manage our emotions and those of others, we work better, we feel better, and we are better. When we treat one another with respect, dignity, integrity, and compassion, we work better, feel better and are better. Developing emotional intelligence gives each individual a chance to increase work effectiveness and satisfaction, deepen relationships, strengthen leadership talents, and awaken creative spirit, and it can be learned. It then becomes a force multiplier.

So, why wait? Let's start learning it now.

Michael Buble on The Hour with George Stroumboulopoulos

2011-07-24T03:57:00.000-07:00

Emotional Intelligence - listen to Michael Buble talk about "playing to the locals."

Accents in the US

2011-07-24T00:52:00.001-07:00

How we speak -- those accents -- do you want to 'get rid of' yours?

How we speak has so much to do with our emotional intelligence. The tone and pitch of our voice, the accent we do or do not have ... you might even call the accent part of the nonverbal aspect of language.

I moved around a lot as a kid and young adult. I remember when I moved to N. C., adopting that accent -- the long southern drawl -- and then when we moved to San Antonio, Tx, I consciously said "no more," and went back to my neutral non-accent. You know, like an anchor person.

One part of the video that's interesting is when the talk about the California accent, i.e., too hard to say "radical" so they say "rad." Dude. Whatever.

This is a great video. Enjoy!

Our Cruise to Alaska

2011-07-17T01:09:00.001-07:00

Cruise to Alaska Slideshow: Susan’s trip from Seattle, Washington, United States to Alaska was created by TripAdvisor. See another Alaska slideshow. Create your own stunning free slideshow from your travel photos.

My Trip to Copper Canyon Mexico

2011-07-17T00:33:00.000-07:00

Copper Canyon Mexico Slideshow: Susan’s trip from El Paso, Texas, United States to Mexico was created by TripAdvisor. See another Mexico slideshow. Create your own stunning free slideshow from your travel photos.

Doctors Need More Emotional Intelligence in New Healthcare System

2011-07-11T00:55:00.000-07:00

DOCTORS IN NEED OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AS PREVENTABLE DEATHS INCREASE, AND MEDICINE BECOMES A TEAM SPORT.
So says an article in the NY Times entitled, "New for Aspiring Doctors, the People Skills Test," By GARDINER HARRIS

Here are some quotes from the article:

Doctors save lives, but they can sometimes be insufferable know-it-alls who bully nurses and do not listen to patients. Medical schools have traditionally done little to screen out such flawed applicants or to train them to behave better, but that is changing.

and

A pleasant bedside manner and an attentive ear have always been desirable traits in doctors, of course, but two trends have led school administrators to make the hunt for these qualities a priority. The first is a growing catalog of studies that pin the blame for an appalling share of preventable deaths on poor communication among doctors, patients and nurses that often results because some doctors, while technically competent, are socially inept.

and

“When I entered medical school, it was all about being an individual expert,” said Dr. Darrell G. Kirch, the president and chief executive of the Association of American Medical Colleges. “Now it’s all about applying that expertise to team-based patient care.”

To read the entire article, go here.

Mobbing and Bullying and Emotional Intelligence

2011-07-06T22:33:00.000-07:00

BULLYING IS SUCH AN UGLY THING.

Le mobbing est un poison lent
Mobbing ist ein leises Gift Zuletzt geändert
The Germans and the French call it "the slow poison."

“Mobbing can be understood as the stressor to beat all stressors,” says Dr. Kenneth Westhaus, U. of Waterloo, author of “Eliminating Professors.” According to him, the typical mob victim is a good-to-high achiever personally invested in a formally secure job who somehow threatens or shames co--workers or managers who then decide to get rid of him or her.

However, bullying is complex, and there are other reasons.

I coach clients on mobbing and bullying, both the abused, and the managers who are trying to identify it early and get rid of it. In my experience, it is often the best workers, serious people, introverts, just plain nice people. When it rears its ugly head, it upsets other workers, demoralizes, demeans, lowers productivity, causes lack of focus, raises stress, and causes increased illness, absenteeism and "presenteeism."

At the human level, it's wrong, wrong to treat people that way. At the corporate level, it can lead to exposure, and if the reputation is established cause current good employees to leave (wouldn't you?) and drive good applicants away. Word gets around, you know. As I was explaining to an HR manager the other day, "No, it is not a 'just get over it' kind of thing."

Has it happened to you? Is it happening to you now? Why does it happen? Read my article, Mobbing & Bullying in the Workplace: Has This Happened to You?

We believe, along with bullying.org that "Everyone has the right to be respected and the responsiblity to respect others."

Read my ebook: "Mobbing, Bullying and What to Do About It"

Today from BBC -- MPs on the committee which covers the work of the Office of the Deputy Prime Minister (OPDM) in the UK are demanding action after Deputy PM John Prescott's department was accused of bullying, with one in 10 workers claiming to have been victimised in the past year. We are shocked and saddened.

22% say they've witness unfair behavior.

FROM THE ARTICLE:

"The survey results were revealed in the annual report and accounts of the ODPM, which covers housing, planning, local government and the regions.

"The department should take steps immediately to reinforce the message that bullying and intimidation is unacceptable

"ODPM COMMITTEE REPORT

"The survey found 10% of staff felt they had been bullied in the past year, 8% had experienced discrimination and 6% reported harassment.

"Some 22% of staff had witnessed unfair treatment and a larger proportion of black or black British staff (14%) had experienced discrimination than other staff.

"The survey also found disabled people were more likely to have suffered discrimination and revealed that a third of staff did not know how to report unfair treatment."

The UK and European Union are definitely ahead in the area of bullying and mobbing. There is even a clinic in German that deals exclusively with victims of mobbing and bullying.

To read the whole article go here.

=====
If this is happening to you and you would like some coaching, please give me a call at 817-734-1471 or email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . When someone's being mobbed or bullied, you can't think straight - that's part of the strategy. It helps to have an objective person to help give clarification and strategy, someone who's in your corner and has your back.

Resources & Information:

jfo.org.uk

Stop Bullying Now
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Anger, Forgiveness, Emotional Intelligence and Your Health

2011-07-06T20:23:00.000-07:00

FORGIVE NOT 7 TIMES, BUT 77 TIMES, by Susan Dunn, Life Coach, Emotional Intelligence Coach, EQ Coach

Yes, it was a difficult weekend. I had houseguests, and one of them has truly been wronged. Not once, but many times. Not by strangers, but by his own family. Not long ago, but long ago and recently.

It made me angry just to hear the stories, though he told them only as they related to the conversation at hand (“So what happened to your father’s farm?” sort of thing), and there was no rancor on his part. Incredulously, he appears to have made his peace with some real injustices. But then that’s one of the reasons we all love him so much.

My friend is very forgiving, and there’s a reason why: he’s had a lot of practice. Forgiveness is like another EQ competency, Resilience. The good news is you can learn it. The bad news is there will always be opportunity. And you can reverse those two!

So, yes, my friend is very forgiving. I imagine he has forgiven 77 times. If you’re familiar with the Biblical passage: “Then Peter came and said to him, ‘Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times.’”

This forgiving friend of mine is of-an-age, and also a physician. “How could you forgive him for that?” I asked him, about a particularly unjust occurrence. “Because I want to live and preserve my health,” he said. Physicians know about emotions and health.

THE TWO WOLVES

There’s a story currently circulating the Internet about a Native American grandfather “whose eyes have seen too much,” talking with his grandson. The boy was talking about an injustice that had happened that day that left him enraged.
The grandfather admitted that he, too, had felt such rage. “I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart,” he told the child. “One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one.”
The grandfather said, “I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those who have taken so much with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die.”
When he finished talking, the grandson asked him, “Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?”

“The one I feed,” replied the grandfather.

[Go here http://www.turtle-tracks.org/issue50/i50_3.html to read the whole story]

PACO…GIOVANNI…TON…SERGEI…ED, JR…JOHANN…PIERRE … THEIR NAMES ARE LEGION
Ernest Hemingway wrote a story about forgiveness. It’s the story of a Spanish father and his teenage son who are at odds, and eventually the strained relationship breaks. When Paco, the rebellious son, runs away from home, his father begins a long, grief-stricken search to find him and bring him back.

As a last resort, the exhausted father placed an ad in a Madrid newspaper, hoping his son would see the ad and respond to it. The ad read:

Dear Paco,
Please meet me in front of the newspaper office at noon. All is forgiven.
Love,
Father

As Hemingway tells the story, the next day at noon, in front of the newspaper office, there are 800 Pacos, all seeking forgiveness from their fathers.

HOW YOU PRESERVE YOUR HEALTH

We have all been wronged. I have been. You have been. Your father has been. The queen of England has been. No one escapes. Some of us have been egregiously wronged and live with rage … for a week, a year, a lifetime. Our anger interferes with our ability to forgive.

And why, perhaps you are asking, should you forgive? There has been incest … infidelity … theft … betrayal … Certainly you’re justified in your rancor after what’s been done to you.

Frederick Buechner, theologian, writes:

“Of the seven deadly sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back – in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you.”

We suffer when we’re angry. It causes physiological reactions that damage our health, and drive others away, leaving us to fester in our own isolated hell. We also suffer because we feel guilty about being angry. And we may feel strangled because we can’t act on it. It’s a complicated emotion.

It is, however, neither good nor bad in and of itself. Emotions just “are.” They guide us. They tell us what to do.

Anger tells us there is danger and we need to deal with it directly. The problem develops when we have not learned Emotional Intelligence and don’t know how to handle this anger. It can live forever in its raw state if not dealt with, undermining our health.

But what if … What if the person who did this is dead? Or estranged, like Paco from his father? … Or virulently poised to do more harm? Or an apology won’t really do, as in “I’m sorry I was drunk for the first 15 years of your life”? Or “I’m sorry I had your father shot by a firing squad in front of your eyes?” What if they absolutely do not deserve our forgiveness? What do we do then?

Being adamantly and relentlessly self-forgiving is an EQ competency. At times it’s even harder to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive others, and we stand in need as well.

While we are all Paco, we are all, also, his father. We create our own world, and as we refuse to forgive others, we refuse to allow others to forgive us. What goes around comes around.

Being forgiving – forgiving yourself and others – is highly recommended.
The person you’re harboring the hatred for isn’t likely to be affected by it, but you are which makes you twice the victim, and more the fool. You are demanding from them something they can’t or won’t give, and you therefore remain tied to them forever. They don’t deserve you to forgive them, but you deserve to forgive them.

HELL

I’m reminded of Dante’s “Inferno.” In the fifth ring of hell live “the Wrathful.” Says the commentary, “they spend their time here either tearing at each other in anger or …” Yes, that’s being in hell.

But even more fitting is the ninth and final circle of Hell, Cocytus, which is ice cold (those farthest from God’s love).

There we find those who betrayed those to whom they should forever have been faithful, those treacherous to kin, and the image is this — two people are frozen in the same hole so that one can gnaw at the nape of the other’s neck. An apt metaphor for how we can gnaw at ourselves with resentment and anger.

To paraphrase Paul Pearsall, Ph.D., psychoneuroimmunologist, ‘Go ahead and rant and rave, rage, beat your chest, fight! But to the victor goes the bypass.’

For your own mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health, you must learn how to let it go. Work with a coach to develop your Emotional Intelligence. Anger directly affects our immunological system, which is our health, and it is an ongoing part of life for all of us. It’s the price we pay for being human.

About the Author
©Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach and Consultant, http://www.susandunn.cc. Coaching, business programs, Internet courses, teleclasses, and ebooks around Emotional Intelligence for your wellness, success and happiness. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine. Put “ezine” for subject line. Susan is the author of The EQ Foundation Course, http://www.susandunn.cc/courses.htm

Emotional Intelligence with The EQ Coach

2011-06-25T20:03:00.000-07:00

The peaceful moment
A BLOGGER WRITES about a moment of emotional intelligence:

Before the Storm
Sitting in my car watching the sun rise, I’m calm. I just finished a workout at the gym and found a quiet spot on a quiet road to pull over and enjoy my breakfast-to-go. This may be my last opportunity to feel this way for a while.

On Saturday, I leave for Italy; then one day after returning, board another plane for Malaysia. Frantically preparing for two weeks away from my home & office is all I’ll be doing once I pull away from this calm spot. So I linger - chewing on my bagel - and enjoy the last few moments of quiet before a firestorm of activity kicks in.

This struck me as such a great example of emotional intelligence. This is someone who really knows themselves, and their feelings. And good vacabulary, i.e., he might have said "before the nightmare begins" or "before I go nuts," or dramatic things like that, be shows remarkable restraint in this writing.

These are feelings we can all relate too - the frenetic energy of travel and being away from homw, especially for business.

But how many of us have the emotional intelligence to find a quiet moment and pull over the the side of the road and rest.

Well, I did the other day. I'd been in the car seemingly all day. Well, a drive, then a 3-hour appointment, then an hour's drive, and I arrived at the destination early. It was mid-afternoon, and I've never really wanted to give up my preschooler's afternoon nap, so I pulled off the road to grab 40 winks. Except in this case, I pulled into a large and empty church parking lot, because I thought I'd be safe there. I was way over by the dumpster, and there were just a couple cars way over on the other side.

I laid back the car seat, opened the windows, and leaned back to relax. Several minutes later there was a knock on the window. Some man was concerned about the daycare there and not wanting the children to ... you know. The knock on the window scared me and took away all the good effects of the rest.

So - remember - it's emotional intelligence but alsological/intellectual intelligence, i.e., next time I won't choose a church parking lot!

And back to our friend, above. I feel sure he handled the travel well. He sounds like that kinda guy.

Call Susan Dunn the Emotional Intelligence Coach for help in increasing your emotional intelligence. I offer online courses, email support, phone coaching, and in addition, I train and certify coaches internationally. Don't wait. Do it now. Before the firestorm of activity begins. Again. sdunn@susandunn.cc or 817-734-1471.

Emotional Intelligence better predictor of success in life than high grades in high school

2011-06-22T20:50:00.000-07:00

The Huffington Post has an interesting new article about emotional intelligence. You can read it here.

A few quotes:

"School is a place where former A students teach mostly B students to work for C students."

High school grades were never designed to assess the qualities that make you a success in the working world -- like single-minded drive, creativity, and the ability to read people accurately.

Over the last decade, [psychologist James] Parker has been testing first-year students at Trent [University] for social and emotional intelligence, qualities such as understanding of themselves and of others, plus the ability to adapt and manage stress.

So what was the difference between A students and the ones who struggled or even dropped out? It was emotional intelligence, especially the ability to adapt and manage stress.

If you'd like to increase you emotional intelligence (EQ) or learn how to teach others how to increase theirs, by being a certified EQ Coach, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach, offers a long-distance, Internet program to train and certify emotional intelligence (EQ) coaches. The course is based on empirical data and research and consists of reading material on the Internet, email support and weekly phone calls. For more information contact Susan at sdunn@susandunn.cc or visit her on the web. Susan Dunn has trained and certified coaches all over the world in this highly effective, affordable program.

How to Talk to a Woman - LBJ talks to Jackie Kennedy

2011-06-11T12:38:00.000-07:00

Lyndon G. Johnson (LBJ) pushed through a lot of important legislation. If you listen to his tapes, which are available on youtube.com you will get an idea of behind-the-scenes, and what a great persuader he was.

And if you listen to his conversation with Jackie Kennedy, gentlemen, you will see how he was able to "seduce" people to do what he wanted. He was just "flirting" - he mentions his wife, mother, sister. But these are the things most women tell me they want to hear. And especially that you have time for your lady.

Look here.

Avoid Nigerian and Malaysian Romance Scam Artists Using your Emotional Intelligence

2011-06-05T20:23:00.000-07:00

A sad new scam is becoming very prevalent on the Internet - romance scam. Generally the romance scam artists are from Nigeria - though lately from Malaysia as well. They are operating out of Internet cafes, and often correspond with 10-11 woman at a time, hoping to make the kill.

How does this relate to emotional intelligence?

First of all, that you need to have keen instincts when you are dating online. The Nigerian scam artists use the legitimate sites, such as match.com and seniordating.com, and they also will stalk you down on facebook. You can go to DATING COACH BLOG to learn about the common modus operandi. Bad grammar and poor spelling are the first clues (for instance, "I work on the buildings been built). They use the same phrases over and over, one of which is "age is just a mare [sic] number." They also are vague on the details about their supposed hometown (i.e., live in San Antonio, but go blank - get offline when you mention the Alamo). They do not answer your more pressing questions. They often "brb" at important times, or will say that their Internet connection went down. (Either they don't want to answer the question, or they are IMing with another woman/other women). They ask you to go to yahoo IM right away - and yahoo does their best to warn you to be careful who you let chat with you. Read more clues on the Dating Coach Blog.

So, use your INTUITION. If something seems odd, or you get a funny feeling, or something just doesn't seem right, go with your instincts. I've had a lot of experience with this with clients -- sadly -- and can help you ferret out the Nigerian scam artists. And keep Malaysia in mind as well.

Secondly, these Nigerian romance scam artists and Malaysian romance scam artists are psychologically astute. Remember how I've told you that you need to learn EQ because if something can be used against you, you need to know all about it?

They prey on the kind-hearted, the woman who does good deeds, the woman who mentions she is lonely, the woman who says there are no men in her life (to stand by her), the ones who appear a little desperate, and the ones who respond emotionally.

They prey on women who are constantly available -- it's a clue.

They use reassuring phrases all woman want to hear, such as "I'm here for you," "I've got your back," "if XXX happens, just call me," "I will never abandon you," "Call me any time." (Actually they will prefer to place the call, but you get the gist of what I'm saying.

They will peruse your profile and glom on to your interests -- if you're a dog lover, so are they. If you give to charities, that's what they're doing right now.

They are often "engineers" and "project managers," because they know this is a field few women know anything about.

If you say you don't have any money to send them, they will say you are lieing. (You are, and we all hate to be called 'liars'.) They will call you a hypocrite for saying you loved them and not being willing to "help" them.

They will get emotional and put pressure on you, right where you can take it the least.

Knowing you don't trust men, they will give you the names of women to call for verification. These are accomplices, usually in the US, with names like "Candace" and smooth voices.

Nigerian Romance Scammers and Malaysian Romance Scammers -- just another reason to hone up your emotional intelligence.

These guys make their money because they know more about emotional intelligence than their poor victims do! Online dating scams are beoming as prevalent as the email / lottery deals and the Nigerian 419.

Most of all, remember that "if it seems too good to be true," it is. This is a photo often used by scammers (bear in mind the real man in the photograph is not the offender). Now isn't he just too good to be true? He has gone by Gabsy Fisher, John Armstrong,
Mark Braxton, Mike Smith, Scott Smith, Kevin Williams ... and more. (They generally choose very Anglo names.)

11 things Not to Do on Your New Job

2011-05-31T23:12:00.001-07:00

We are intensely territorial at heart. Our reptilian brains are keyed to be suspicious of "intruders," and to fear what we don't know. Your first few days in a new job, you're being scrutinized under a microscope and are only tentatively welcome. Use your Emotional Intelligence to survive the first 100 hours! Here are 11 things NOT to do.

1. Don't FORGET PEOPLE'S NAMES.

If you do nothing else, remember people's names. When introduced, wait expectantly for a cue. If they stick out their hand, shake it. if they don't, just smile and say the usual.

2. Don't MOVE IN TOO FAST.

Take it easy bringing your "things" to the office. Save the photos and personal items for a while. Place your yogurt discretely at the back of the refrigerator. Don't grab any old cup from the coffee room, or start making the coffee until you see how it's done. It's a reptilian, territorial thing. You're moving into THEIR turf.

3. Don't TALK TOO MUCH, REVEAL TOO MUCH, OR EXPRESS UNNECESSARY FEELINGS OR OPINIONS.

Keep your conversation light, neutral, and just enough to be friendly. Sure as you get loose, you'll step on someone's toes. You don't know yet who just got divorced, who's married to an Italian, and who's opposed to daycare. As soon as you say, "Well personally I hate..." the next person who comes in will have that, do that, like that, or live there.

Use "neutral" language and tone of voice, like the anchor people do. Avoid any slang or colloquialisms in this new country. The King's English: what you learned in school.

4. Don't ASSUME ANYTHING.

Maybe everyone leaves at 5:31 on the dot; maybe they don't. Keep a low profile and pay attention to what others are doing. You're moving into an established culture and they have a set way of doings things whether they're mindful of it or not. You want to fit in, not stand out. Remember the saying, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do."

5. Don't OVERDO IT. THAT THREATENS PEOPLE.

Save the designer stuff and status symbols. Appearing "better than," in any way, will backfire on you later. If you drive a brand new expensive something or other, park at the back of the lot, and don't advertise it. If you just got back from a barefoot cruise, or just bought a new home, save it for later. You don't know the circumstances of those around you. The person you're telling may have just filed bankruptcy.

And speaking of parking ... one first day on a job, with uncanny bad form, I actually managed to park in the boss' unmarked, but definitely claimed, parking place. "How lucky," I thought. "I can park right in front of the door."

6. Don't VOLUNTEER.

They don't trust you yet. "Get" that. Don't volunteer to make the coffee or make the nightly run to FedEx. You could poison them. You might never make it to the FedEx office. (I am not kidding.)

7. Don't MAKE IT TOO HARD, OR TOO EASY.

Pace your initial tasks. If you start out blazing, you'll be held to that pace forever, or you may threaten others who do what you do. If you go too slow, you might not be there long. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

8. Don't SAY 'NO'.

If you're asked to join them for lunch, pitch in for a baby shower gift, "grab the phone," or do a task for someone, say "yes." If something goes against the grain (and there's always one person in an office who tries to make life hell for the new guy it seems), file it for later. First you need to find out how disputes are handled.

The good manager, the one with the high EQ who knows people, and knows HER people, will tell you, "If so-and-so gives you any trouble, just be nice. Then come tell me and I'll take care of it." The inept manager won't know, or isn't willing to deal with it, and you'll have to figure it out for yourself. How do you do this? By having your antennae out. Observe and process.

EXCEPTION: Occasionally in an office you're ignored for the first few weeks, except by the loser, who will ask you to join him or her for lunch, trying to build an alliance. In that case, you come up with an excuse ("Sorry, gotta run to the bank at noon.")

9. Don't CRITIQUE, CRITICIZE, or APPEAR TO BE COMPLAINING.

You'll notice things that could be done differently and better, but if you speak at this point it will sound like complaining or criticizing. If it's too hot or too cold, for instance, wait it out. The "new kid on the block" isn't entitled to anything. You can straighten the place out later.

10. Don't VIOLATE PACK BEHAVIOR.

You watch the Discovery Channel, don’t you? Well, picture the troop of monkeys, i.e., if you’re not the alpha male, you’re just one of the pack, so start grinning and grooming the others.

11. Don’t UNDERESTIMATE THE EFFECT OF INITIAL CONDITIONS.

In physics it’s called “sensitive initial conditions." It means the way “it" (any system) begins makes a huge and permanent difference. Think of what you say and do as being broadcast with a loudspeaker into a cavern which will reverberate and echo for months. There’s not such thing as an “innocent comment" when you’re new, and if you show up in a bright print dress when everyone else is in neutral and pants, you’ll reinvent the term “sticking out like a sore thumb."
The onus (hard work) is on you. They will be ADJUSTING to you. You must ADAPT to them (a far stronger concept). When in doubt, get coaching! You want to get off to a good start.

The Politeness Pundit

2011-05-31T22:39:00.000-07:00

THE POLITENESS PUNDIT
by Susan Dunn, Coach

Is that you? If so, huzzah, you’ve found a fellow champion (and I, you)!

Do you walk around shaking your head these days, wondering why it all has to be so nasty? Do you listen to someone cop an attitude to someone else (beyond the age of, say, 18, where copping an attitude is expected) and have that ‘nails on a blackboard’ feeling? Do you watch someone go after someone else at work in a perfectly awful way, seemingly just for the sport of it, and shudder? Do you wonder where the politeness has gone? And why?

If so, you may wonder, as I do, what their childhood was like that they failed to rise above the stuff of childhood. Now, I’ll admit I had the perfect childhood for exploring my own nastiness and the limitations of the rewards of same. I had a twin sister (as well as other siblings). Twins spend an inordinate amount of time together. It’s the ultimate test: get along or die.

We fought like cats and dogs. Mother would banish us to separate rooms and we’d cry to get back together again (so she said). What’s a mother to do? Eventually she gave up, smart woman that she was, and let us sort it out.

What was I to do? My twin took my necklace, slopped her things all over my side of the room, took MY Snicker’s bar, occasionally lost her temper and said nasty things to me, and sometimes (when Mother wasn’t looking, which was most of the time) even slapped me around a bit. And she was always there! That’s the thing: it doesn’t go away.

On the other hand, I never had to start school alone. I could take her Snicker’s bar, as well as borrow her necklace. I never had to wake up alone in the night. And we could gang up on someone who was nasty to one of us.

I can’t say I “struggled" with this; it was just a fact of life, and in some muddled child-y sort of way, I figured out the good outweighed the bad, and that I’d just have to figure out something.

It was helped by an act of fate: my father’s latest promotion landed us in a new high school of 4,000, not knowing anyone but each other. I think we both decided it might be smart to get along with one another.

While we weren’t that crazy about one another at that point, we were all we had. And there’s a sense in which that’s true of all of us, no?

There in that office where you work is this little group of people you’re stuck with all day long, like it or not. So why not get along? Would it be so difficult? No, it would not, and it brings nice results. If you’re the egocentric type – it helps your health. If you’re another type – you’ve learned by now, I’m sure, that sugar works better than vinegar, or however that saying goes.

I’m struck with the irrelevant things people blame their nastiness on – I can’t stand my manager, they don’t know how to do things around here, she gets on my nerves, they don’t appreciate me … and then the I have a headache, backache, teenager at home, PMS. Who doesn’t? That’s an excuse, not a reason.

It isn’t all about you. And check out your premises. Who said you have to like someone to get along with them? Who says you have to be feeling good to behave in a civilized manner?

It’s the same with marriage – barring true pathology on the party of the first part, or the second, you’re going to encounter the same set of bowling pins at the end of every bowling alley. Things are not, nor will they ever be, arranged for your sole satisfaction.

Because we live and work together, we have etiquette (or used to): the rules of how to behave in public. It may be experiencing a comeback. Some of us would be relieved to see more of it.

OFFICE SCENARIOS

·Pollyanna walks through the usual stress-filled office with a big smile on her face and Scrooge says, “Why are you smiling? Are you on drugs or something?"
POLITENESS POINT: If you’re so unhappy you must stamp out all signs of it in others, get therapy.

·Mario turns a corner and runs into someone who snarls at him.
POLITNESS POINT: Since when did we stop walking (as we drive) on the right side (not the ‘correct’ side, the right-as-opposed-to-left side) of the hallway? The rules are what make orderly life possible. You see how many squabbles could be prevented if we did something like this?

·People walk in without greeting one another, which not only makes it impossible for the phone receptionist to know who’s there, but puts a surly tone to it all. POLITENESS POINT: Didn’t your mother instruct you to say “Good morning. Did you sleep well?" when you came to the breakfast table? COROLLARY: Whether you meant it or not. That’s sort of the point.

·Flick hands Flack a phone message, who takes it, grunts, turns oh his heel and walks off.
POLITENESS POINT: What happened to “Thank you" and “You’re welcome."

·Curly, Larry and Moe head out to lunch, not inviting the 4th member of the department to join them, for whatever reason, and saying nothing.
POLITENESS POINT: “We’re going to have lunch to talk about our part of the project. I know you’ve had enough of it, so you don’t have to come."

·Playing the game of “let’s get the new person."
POLITENESS POINT: Frat hazing is for frat boys. Grow up.

·Someone comes from another culture/dresses weird/is known to be a stamp collector/takes punctuation a little too seriously so let’s mob up on them and make their life miserable.
POLITENESS POINT: Very astute, Sherlock, that they’re different, but if you need to make someone else feel small in order to make yourself feel big, get therapy.

·Mary’s bored so she starts a rumor about Harry.
POLITENESS POINT: Isn’t there some work you’re supposed to be doing?

·You’re the boss, it’s your shop, you fought and scrambled to get there, so now you’ve earned the right to act like a petulant two-year-old.
POLITENESS POINT: Life is long. What goes around comes around.
COROLLARY: Do you have any idea what you look like when you’re acting that way?

·When you were climbing up the ladder Attila the Hun was nasty to you, so now it’s your turn.
POLITENESS POINT: Instead of “turn about is fair play," how about getting your knuckles off the ground and treating people the way you wish you’d been treated and weren’t? In addition to giving you a delicious sense of righteousness, it could also save your health, not to mention that of those around you.

·You can’t control yourself because you’re under too much stress/have more to do than everyone else/produce the most/are special.
POLITENESS POINT: Give me a break.

· You don’t like something about someone so you’re rude.
POLITENESS POINT: If you aren’t past the point of logic and reason, did you ever consider they probably don’t like something about you as well, so that’s not a reason!

WHAT IS POLITENESS?

Etiquette and good manners sort of level the playing field in your head. It means how you act regardless of whom you’re with. Therefore it shows more about you than about the other, i.e., Dave Barry’s quote that someone who’s nice to you, but not nice to the water, is not a nice person.

And BTW, the point of being nice isn’t to be popular; it’s about smoothing out daily interactions. Etiquette eliminates a lot of the friction that drives us all nuts. We can all be little beasties. That’s why dinner manner developed … there we all are with sharp instruments in our hands.

SOME ETIQUETTE TIPS:

1.If you haven’t figured out yet that you have a choice how you feel, act and think, and that they affect your health, do some reading, get some coaching, get enlightened.

2.Your Emotional Intelligence, your ability to manage yourself and your relationships (of all kinds), affects your success, happiness, and health.

3.Learn where the silverware goes. One reason people are nasty is because they feel inferior, and there are books you can read and courses you can take that will get you to a level where you’re comfortable. Here, I can tell you in one sentence something that will help: “Work the silverware from the outside in." (There’s more, but not a whole lot more.)

4.Say “please," “thank you," “you’re welcome," and “I apologize." (I apologize is great, BTW, because that you can always do, while you may not really “be sorry" in the strictest sense of the term. (Hey, I’m a pundit!)

5.Ask permission. You may intend to take a cell phone call during the lunch one way or another, but politeness dictates you ask (“I’m expecting an important call I must take. Do you mind?"). The beauty is politeness will dictate they respond, “Why no, I don’t mind at all." See how it works?

6.Read Emily Post (in its 16th edition). Would it help persuade you to know it’s listed on www.navyadvancement.com ?

7.Pay attention to the small things. Walk on the righte side, let others in front of you in line when you can afford to (it’s good self-discipline), smile, use people’s names, pass the salt and pepper, offer to get something or do something for someone else once in a while.

8.Don’t put people who use good manners in the penalty box. There’s a creeping sentiment these days that someone who says please and thank you is a lightweight.

9.Keep some boundaries. It used to be not everyone wanted to hear about your sex life, religious preference, forms of medication you use, or political persuasion. Nowadays there are 50 additional things not imagined 25 years ago that we don’t want to hear about. Save it.

THE PAY OFF

Reduced friction. Less stress.

Studies show repeatedly that money is not the top reason why people stay at jobs. They want an environment of respectfulness, and to feel meaning and purpose in what they do. Etiquette accomplishes both. If you’re in a respectful situation, you respect the situation. Get it?

Successful Aging: Emotional Intelligence and Transitioning to New Roles

2011-05-31T19:25:00.000-07:00

Successful Aging: Emotional Intelligence and Transitioning to New Roles
Your most-valued new role amounts to why you like being alive.
By: Susan Dunn
________________________________________
"I don't know how to do anything. "
________________________________________

My friend who retired last year from years on Wall Street tells me, “I have to watch very carefully how I spend my money. I don’t know how to do anything.”

We Identify With Our Roles

One of the reasons people find retirement challenging, is also the solution to the problem of better aging: we identify with roles in our lives. Worse than that, we enjoy them. They’re what our life is all about or we wouldn’t have been doing them in the first place.

Now my friend certainly knows how to do things. He can cook his breakfast, he’s an attentive father, he knows how to mow the lawn. But to his way of thinking, now that he’s no longer a broker, he “doesn’t know how to do anything.”

Whether it’s being a manager, a doctor, or a mother, a recent study confirms we do best when have control over roles we value, and that this is more important than a sense of control over life itself. ["Role-Specific Feelings of Control and Mortality," Neal Krause, Ph.D., and Benjamin A. Shaw, Ph.D.; Psychology and Aging, Vol. 15, No. 4.]

What does this mean to you and me on a daily basis?

In the study, conducted over 6-7 years, participants were asked to name the roles they valued most in their lives, including such things as parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle, friend, homemaker, provider, volunteer work, church member, etc.
In the follow-up study it was found that participants who were able to maintain a sense of control over the role most important to them were less likely to engage in unhealthy behaviors (smoking, drinking, obesity) and less likely to die prematurely. And, the research found, it was only the most important valued role that correlated with decline, not choices two and three.

By “having a sense of control,” I imagine they mean being able to continue doing that. I also would imagine, unless your life has been different of mine, there’s no sense assuming control over life in general. You’ve learned that by now!
Your most-valued role amounts to why you like being alive, or what makes life worth living. In other words, what matters to you.

Psychological Coping Abilities Decline With Age

The researchers suggest that psychological coping abilities “decline” with age. I suggest they can be bolstered, even increase by studying EQ, and a look ahead is an emotionally intelligent thing to do.

In my coaching work with clients in transition, the “transition” often amounts to the fact they’ve lost or been ousted from a role they enjoyed. Some were fired, some forced into retirement, others lost children prematurely, others are between parenting and grand parenting, and not “needed” by anyone in that special nurturing role.

How can you cope better? While life is about losses, it is equally about gains and wins. While you may be dumb-founded by an immediate loss, with time and Emotional Intelligence competencies, you can make the next step and find a new role.

Resilience is one of the many EQ competencies and it means being able to bounce back after loss, failure, and defeat, while remaining hopeful and enthusiastic.

Somewhere there’s a baby crying … a group that needs managing … an account that needs balancing. How you define your role is up to you. It’s personal choice and that’s what EQ is all about. You may no longer run Coca-Cola, but you can run the volunteer department of the local children’s shelter.

We’re so busy when we’re young, and so many of the roles are proscribed, we can forget it’s an open and flexible system.

Lamenting my “last baby,” I was reminded by an older friend that she went weekly to the neonatal unit at the hospital and sat and rocked the newborns.

On a recent flight to Seattle, I met an 80 year old woman with her foster baby. She took newborns to their adoptive parents, usually a plane ride. There she was with infant seat, bottles, diaper bag, and the whole thing. How she did it physically I don’t know. It must’ve been the drive of her heart, the satisfaction she got, and the physical condition she had to be in to do it. The heart will motivate.

Re-Creating Roles Is One Thing You Can Do For Better Aging

Emotional Intelligence involves flexibility and being able to generate new solutions. Just as the teenager must one day have her first job, you will one day have to move into new territory. Re-creating roles is one thing you can do for better aging. If you are “stuck” on a certain definition and in the “yes, but” mode, consider something different.

CLIENT: I miss so much being a mother.
ME: Then go mother someone.
CLIENT: That’s not the same thing. That’s not being their real mother.
ME: Says who?

I have had, when working at the children’s shelter, a child tell me, “I know you’re my real mom.” Yes, it’s heart-rending. Yes, that’s part of it. Wasn’t it part of it the first time round?

As a volunteer director, I relied on many people who were starting new roles, and the more they considered it their job, their real job, the more helpful they were to me.
Managing the kitchen of the shelter can be as much a real management job as you make it, and if you think it isn’t “real” and isn’t needed, on what do you base your judgment? Does money have to change hands? There are other things to work for, and other rewards, and if being important is one of them, you will, if anything, be more important, because many volunteers call in at the slightest whim to cancel, or don’t show up at all. They don’t take it seriously. Taking things seriously is a personal decision and totally within your control.

Molly has “adopted” her niece and nephew by-marriage, who are very young and going through some very difficult times. Notice these people are not even related to her. With a newborn in the house, their toddler has been diagnosed with a heart defect, possibly terminal, and requiring lots of care, while one of their parents is also dying. No one told them Molly wasn’t their mother. And believe me, no one asked for her credentials when she showed up at the door of this overwhelmed young couple.
Somewhere there’s someone who needs you in the role you value most, and if you haven’t found them, you’re being lazy. Don’t be lazy. You’re needed. Get out there!

Mother's Day

2011-05-07T20:51:00.000-07:00

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

My mother - first on the left.
Her mother is on the far right.

Your mother ...
No relationship is so fraught with ambivalence.

She loved you, yes,
but she also took things away (those enticing scissors)
made you eat things you didn't like (squach!)
made you do things you didn't want to do (go to school)
babied you when you didn't want it (as a teen)
failed to baby you when you wanted it (as an adult)

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY
for those who are with their kids, and those who are not

My favorite --
if there are any heavens my mother will(all by herself)have
one. (e.e. cummings)

And some more quotes:

No one in the world can take the place of your mother. Right or wrong, from her viewpoint you are always right. She may scold you for little things, but never for the big ones. ~Harry Truman

God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb

Life is the fruit she longs to hand you,
Ripe on a plate.
And while you live,
Relentlessly she understands you.
~Phyllis McGinley

Because I feel that in the heavens above
The angels, whispering one to another,
Can find among their burning tears of love,
None so devotional as that of "Mother,"
Therefore, by that dear name I have long called you,
You who are more than mother unto me.
~Edgar Allan Poe

The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet

A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb

The Mechanics of Fear of the Unknown

2011-02-05T14:12:00.000-08:00

From "Overcoming my Obstinance" by Joshua Freedman, 6 seconds

Good stuff

Zooming into the neurobiology, in a sense we have a tug-of-war between the striatum and the amygdala, between opportunity and risk. The striatum is part of the basal ganglia, a “bump” at the lower-back of the brain implicated in many aspects of decision-making as well as balance and navigation. Interestingly, this center seems to manage balance both in terms of physical motion and in terms of wisdom. The striatum, specifically, is tied to reward, novelty, and forward planning. When we’re looking ahead, anticipating with pleasure, and innovating the striatum is active.

However, when we’re anxious or uncertain, activity here decreases. For example, a team of neuroeconomists at Caltech ran an experiment with decision-making; as uncertainty increased, fear centers in the brain became more active while there was decreased activities in the striatum (Ming Hsu et al 2005).

Susan Dunn's Favorite Communication Operating Principles

2011-02-05T14:04:00.000-08:00

Favorite Communication Operating Principles
by Susan Dunn

Virginia Sapir, a psychologist and pioneer in family counseling, wrote: "Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships he makes with others and what happens to him in the world about him."

With this in mind, I present some my favorite Communication Operating Principals.

1. "In order to understand what another person is saying you must assume it is true and try to imagine what it could be true of."
~ George Miller ~

2. "The first law of communication is: Assume you have been misunderstood."
~ Source Unknown ~

3. "Men can take up to 7 hours longer [than women] to process complex emotive data. [They] will not know what they feel at the moment of feeling and will take longer to figure it out. [They] may not be able to put their feelings in words - if they choose a verbal strategy at all."
~Michael Gurian, author of "What Could He Be Thinking" ~

4. "Verbal confrontation is as natural to men as walking or breathing, and as unconscious."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin, author of "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" ~

5. "There is a libraryful of research to indicate that logic is almost useless as a way of convincing people of anything."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

6. "Never use Hedges ('I know you'd never let me, but . '). They are exactly equivalent to wearing a big sign that say 'Please kick me - I would love to be a victim.'"
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

7. "If a man truly wants to communicate with his wife, he must enter her world of emotions."
~ Gary Smalley ~

8. "For parlor use, the vague generality is a life saver."
~ George Ade ~

9. "The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said."
~ Peter Drucker ~

10. "Sympathetic people often don't communicate well. They * back reflected images which hide their own depths."
~ George Eliot ~

11. "If you can always be taken by surprise because you have no idea what verbal aggression is or how to spot it, you are an ideal target."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

12. "The genius of communication is the ability to be both totally honest and totally kind at the same time."
~ John Powell ~

Whether we're communicating at work, socially, or in an intimate relationship, and whether we're communicating thoughts or feelings, it's a strategy, a choice we make in an effort to accomplish something. And, it's good to remember - if you're there, you're communicating SOMETHING, whether you mean to or not.

Interpersonal skills are part of emotional intelligence and can be learned. Become aware of your communication style and work to improve it.

Emotional Intelligence

2011-01-18T17:53:00.000-08:00

Great speaker on emotional intelligence
Keynote motivational speaker, Rachel Green, on emotional intelligence & self-confidence

Susan Dunn, Emotional Intelligence, can help you improve your emotional intelligence. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for programs, coaching, and resources.

Emotional Intelligence: Why It Matters

2011-01-16T20:05:00.000-08:00

This could be the most important article your read this year about emotional intelligence, love, relationships, dating, and success.

What the science of human nature can teach us: newyorker.com

How to Attain Happiness in 2011

2011-01-14T18:27:00.000-08:00

How to Attain Happiness in 2011?

First, as my father, the lawyer, would say, "Define your terms."

Happiness. How elusive it is for us. How do we define it? For many it is about "peak experiences" - getting that girl to marry you, or getting a big promotion at work.

For others it's worse - it's about having everything you want. All at once. Forever. Or else you refuse to be happy.

For most of us, it has to do with self-esteem. Happiness is ... well, UNhappiness is when you feel like a loser or a failure. It is difficult for us to avoid comparing ourselves to others, and/or comparing ourselves to former times when we were (richer, happier, better, healthier, thinner, prettier ) or to our own dashed, or not-yet-met expectations. There are also the parental edicts that we try to live up to.

Let's take a look at some of the latest research out of Duke University, which just makes sense. It is also one of the EQ competencies I teach in THE EQ FOUNDATION COURSE(tm) and in coaching. What is the key to happiness? Take a fresh look. And remember it next time you (1) lose another bluetooth; (2) get rejected by the man of your dreams and think you must have done something wrong; (3) make a poor decision; (4) snap at an innocent person out of anger; or otherwise behave like the imperfect human being that we all are.

If you want to add improving your EQ to your list of new year's resolutions, I'm here to help. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for more information. New classes starting weekly, all long-distance, affordable

and effective. Individualized instruction, with unlimited email support.

3 Steps to a Happier You is the name of a great new article by Meg Lundstrom appearing on
webmd. You can read the full article here:- http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/3-steps-happier-you?page=2.

"For greater peace of mind, learn the secrets to self-compassion" is the subtitle and it begins

"High self-esteem has long been touted by psychologists as the key to happiness and success. But these days, experts are questioning self-esteem's status as a personal cure-all - noting that it's hard to acquire, even harder to hang on to, and can lead to arrogance and narcissism."

It goes on to talk about what DOES create a "healthy, resilient psyche," (wait a minute ... is THAT the definition of 'happiness'?) and guess what it is? The old emotional intelligence competency we know as "BE ADAMANTLY AND RELENTLESSLY SELF-FORGIVING."

Step No. 1 is "realize that you're only human."
How many times we poor souls need to hear this. It never seems to sink in that we are -- like all humans -- fallible. We will make mistakes.

Keeping this in mind, and cutting yourself some slack, says the latest research from Duke University (which has done some great research in this field) - it's where the doctor works who wrote "Anger Kills") will make you feel "less anxious, depressed, and angry" which will, in turn, help you to recover faster.

If you raise your self-awareness (the cornerstone of emotional intelligence), and listen to your self-talk, you will hear how horribly you talk to yourself.

I often hear this from a client on the phone. "I'm so stupid. I just can't ever remember..."

I suspect that these are things you would never think of saying to someone else, and yet you allow YOU to say it to YOU.

One way to counteract this is to pick up a mantra such as, "That's funny, I'm usually very competent and remember where I put my keyes.'

See how much better you feel?(And how more realistic it is?)

Such harsh self-talk is evidence of what Freud would call "a harsh super-ego" and it is generally learned from how we have been talked to by our parents and other authority figures in our youth. Think about it. Now it's YOUR turn to take over.

Step 2 they call "Feel your pain." Don't push the bad feelings down, but don't dwell on them either. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK.

Psychology professor Kristin Neff, Ph.D., of the University of Texas at Austin, says, "...if you simply allow yourself to feel the emotion and let it run its course - which is often a wave that builds and tapers off - it dissipates much more quickly."

(Remember that our goal in emotional intelligence is - re: those negative feelings - to get there less often and more slowly, to stay there a shorter less intense time, and to recover more quickly and more completely - see THE EQ FOUNDATION COURSE[tm])(Who needs tips on handling the positive, pleasant emotions??)

Then there are those old things we KNOW we should do, and FORGET to do - taking deep breaths, focusing on bodily sensations, and the like.

Step No. 3 is about talking to yourself with kindness.

The article ends with: "Learning to be more loving toward yourself also brings a less obvious but equally important benefit: You'll soon find yourself extending that compassion to others and, in the process, making the world a kinder place."

Now THAT'S happiness.

Learn more about these and other tips for RESILIENCE and EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE with coaching or by taking THE EQ FOUNDATION COURSE(tm).

The New Staffing

2011-01-14T17:40:00.000-08:00

The New Staffing by Coach Susan Dunn

If you've ever been in marketing, you know it's in your blood, and it never leaves. It's also innate to most successful business owners and managers; that constant monitoring of what's going on, with the eyes, ears, nose and throat of the consumer. I'm reminded of Conrad Hilton's wife who said she refused to travel with him. The founder of the Hilton chain, he couldn't enter a hotel without taking mental notes and giving a running commentary.

Having spent a number of years in marketing in my earlier career years, I'm the same way. I never walk into a store, hotel, or restaurant without moving into my "observing ego position" and noting my reactions as a consumer. In other words, I notice things.

Now, bad management is a no-brainer -- waiting 30 minutes for an appetizer, or being insulted or ignored by a sales clerk. But it's often the smaller, more subtle, mistakes that will cumulatively sink a business. When doing marketing for a living, I never took on an account without visiting the place and looking it over, preferably unannounced and incognito. It reveals a wealth of information you can't get from spreadsheets, intellectualized marketing plans, or conversations with "suits" located in a headquarters' office thousands of miles from the scene of the crime, as it were. It's crucial to be able to put on a "consumer" hat and find out what it feels like to walk into your organization or place of business and see how you're treated. Note: This is NOT the same as announcing that the CEO is coming for an inspection or a visit.

Many businesses are having problems these days with staffing and I saw a unique solution the other day. Establishments that run close to 24/7, and experience "peaks" and "lulls" face a particular challenge. Some have switched to offering 4- and 6-hour shifts to employees, but this had a new spin on it.

AN INTERESTING SOLUTION

I happened into my favorite cafeteria the other day after not having been there in a month or two, and it was like walking into a completely new place. I enjoy eating at this cafeteria now-and-then, for all the reasons people like a good cafeteria. I try and avoid peak times there, but I've hit them often enough to see what a challenge they have when people are lined up winding around to the door.

I usually go at an off-time, when there may be only 2 or 3 of us in line, and here's what happens. The 2 (or 3) of us grab our trays and then stand there. There's someone down by the vegetables, but obviously the salad isn't their thing. Eventually someone comes from the back (the kitchen) or the side (takeout orders) and gives us a salad. They disappear back to where they came from, and we move down to the meat, where there is again, no one. The vegetable person calls someone from the back. And so it goes.

When we get to the register at the end, there's no one there. This person may be out wiping tables, or in the kitchen filling those little plastic containers with horseradish. Later, when it's time to pay, it's the same thing. The person who should be at that register is not.

Therefore, paradoxically, it can take longer for me to complete the meal process at a lull time than at a peak time.

Last week I walked in at a lull time and couldn't believe what I saw. I loved it! Now - consider that as a consumer statement. The change was palpable and grabbed my attention and I knew, intuitively, it was a good one. Wouldn't you like that to happen in your place of business?

There were 5 fresh young faces behind the counter and they were smiling. I would say these teenagers serving the food were at the minimum legal age of hire. Those of us in line had smiles on our faces as the "kids" dished up the food, asked impossible questions, passed things the wrong way, and didn't seem overly concerned. My feeling, as a consumer who sometimes will complain to a manager, was "Now who am I going to yell at? Not these kids. How could you fuss? They don't know any better. And besides, they're pleasant"

Many consumer these days would trade a "pleasant" experience, to an "efficient" one.

Later when it was time to pay, there was another surprise. A gentleman sat solidly at the register slowly and carefully counting out the money offered him by the person in front of me, while being quite gracious. He had trouble telling a quarter from a nickel, but it all got worked out. He must have been over 70 years old. He looked sharp in his uniform shirt. My reactions, as a consumer, and concerned citizen of the US, were these, in no particular order: So many people can't live on social security or busted 401Ks these day, isn't it wonderful they hire seniors? This is going to be slow, so I might as well calm down. I don't want to put pressure on him, it would rattle him, and he'd go even slower."

A person of any age can have this sort of demeanor and aura, but one finds it more in seniors. After all, they've seen a real emergency, they know that most things work out, and they aren't about to fall for your "hurry up" vibes, because they know that "haste makes waste. So who am I going to yell at?

"Yelling at" is a figure of speech here. As a consumer, I expect certain things when I walk into an establishment hoping to spend my money there, and if it doesn't occur, I'm miffed. Sometimes I say something to the manager. Occasionally I'll write the corporate, though not just for a free gift certificate as some do, and I'm more likely to do it with praise than with criticism. Criticism is best addressed at the local level.

Most often I do what every business owner dreads. I express my dissatisfaction by never returning. They don't get a second chance. (Savvy managers love to hear customer complaints; that's how you learn what's working and what isn't, and, paradoxically, it's also how you get loyal customers. During my former years in public relations, I knew when I had a protestor on the phone, I had at least a 60-40 chance of converting them to a real fan.

THE DINING EXPERIENCE

From the minute I walked into the place, the atmosphere was different. What do you imagine was the difference in attitude and behavior in a staff consisting totally of people under 20, and people over 65? What would you think would be the pros and cons to yourself as manager or owner, and to the consumer? Here are some of the positives:

. Consumer expectations are radically changed. . Two age groups available for peak staffing and short shifts. . Two age groups grateful for work and often willing to work for less. . Two age groups not at the peak working years, so less likely to be in a state of current of pending burnout. . No one behind the counter is complaining that their feet or back hurt from standing for hours. . No one at the register is complaining that it's "confining" and "boring" to have to sit on a stool for hours. . Two age groups which really enjoy socializing and may prefer jobs with opportunities to visit and chat with co-workers and customers. . Two age groups which are generally more focused on the moment so, therefore, are less likely to be in a hurry or impatient with customers. . Two age groups the 35-50 year old consumer will relate to with nurturing instincts - they see their child or their parent behind the counter. . Two age groups not so likely to get "hired away" from you. . Two age groups that don't have small children at home.

Today's business demands require thinking outside the box, and I'll give this manager an A+ for innovation. I think he or she found a plan that will work.

About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Helping individuals and businesses improve their emotional intelligence for more success and wellness. Coaching, business programs, diversity, Internet courses and ebooks. I train and certify EQ coaches. Fast, affordable, comprehensive, no-residency program training coaches worldwide. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for more information or free ezine.

Processing the Holidays

2011-01-11T20:56:00.001-08:00

It's mid-January, the holidays have settled in the dust, and it's a good time to process what went on.

This article by Susan Dunn is called "Dysfunctional Family Christmas"

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY CHRISTMAS?

The articles are starting to appear in print and on the Internet about how to cope with the holiday family get-togethers and the word 'dysfunctional' will be bandied about.

This article is about another way of looking at things I hope will be helpful. 'Dysfunction' refers to something that doesn't function the way it should; something that doesn't do what it's supposed to. 'Dys' means 'bad' or 'difficult.'

Now, unless you're a flaming extravert with a staff of 10 to help you, it may well be 'difficult.' Whether it will be 'bad' is another matter.

Thank heavens for Positive Psychology! Barring extremes, why not assume your holiday is functioning normally, that is, like everyone else's ' it isn't perfect, but it's functioning just fine.

How so? The reason we talk about 'peace on earth, goodwill to men' at Christmas is because it's an ideal. We pray for it because it exists so rarely, in brief moments only, or maybe a state of the heart. It's the song the angels sing.

Let's put a new spin on this by looking at the function of a family. The function of a family is to nurture, but it's also about learning to relate and deal with emotions. It's about imperfect you learning how to co-exist with imperfect others in an imperfect world, and it's the proving ground for getting out into the real world. It's where we learn many life lessons.

Some of them are what to do when we don't get what we want, how to fight and make up, how to share and how to get our share, how to comfort or soothe someone else or ourselves, what to do when other people are angry or when we are, and how to keep loving someone when we really don't like what they're doing. In other words how to deal with the ins and outs of interpersonal relating with resilience.

And what better place to experience this than at the family get-together? It will all be there. It always is.

The only totally calm, uneventful Christmas I participated in, where there were no tiffs and sputters and frustrations, everyone was numbed from a recent tragedy and simply going through the motions. We could've been in bed asleep, except we were sitting up, walking around, and talking. No one had the energy for either joy or anger. Perspective did not allow us to be upset that year that the gravy was lumpy.

Emotions are energy. They're part of life. The only thing worse than the ones we don't like, would be having none at all.

But even that was a functional celebration. Grief-stricken, we were together for support, and we were doing what we could about Christmas, which seemed an ugly charade, and some of them will. It worked. It won't be featured on the front cover of 'Saturday Evening Post,' painted by Norman Rockwell, but it will remain painted in our hearts.

Positive psychology refuses to focus on what's wrong; it looks at what's right, strong, and going well. If your family is together and your sister and brother are fighting again, well didn't they always? Isn't that what siblings do? Surely they have the sense to temper it a little in light of the occasion, but if they don't, ignore it, send them outside with the dogs, use your sense of humor and EQ, and get on with your own celebration.

If you start your Christmas get-together saying, 'It's Christmas, couldn't we all just get along for an hour or two? And Mother, will you please stop crying?' think about what you're requiring. Is your household one in which it's implicit that certain emotions are not welcome (anger, disappointment, fear, sorrow)?

Of course no one in their right mind would begin by saying, 'Okay, everybody fight! Get ready, get set, Go!' But toy with that notion for a moment. What do you think would happen if you did? By welcoming it, you take away its power. Even if you said this to two preschoolers, they'd probably giggle.

It's traditional in my family that the kids are always sick at Christmas. We live in South Texas; it's allergy time. However, it has traveled with us as well! This is the one thing we can count on. It's also traditional that some of us are tired and overwrought, and the more highstrung ones will be decompensating. Some of the kids are this way too.

I remember one Christmas when I was a kid when my folks just suddenly brought the whole thing to a halt and put us all to bed for a nap. That's sensible!

There are other 'traditions' I won't go into, but let's just say people don't leave their regular personalities at home when they venture out at Christmas time.

It may be the tradition in your household that Granny will complain about the commercialism of Christmas (she always does), Uncle Fred and Aunt Mary won't be talking to one another (they never do), and Candee will be dressed inappropriately (just to embarrass her parents). Is the further tradition that you worry about these things or in some way try to prevent them happening? That might be one tradition you'd like to change this year. You might as well try and stop the tide, and you'll only make yourself miserable about being miserable.

You could also rid your mind of the 'nevers' and 'always.' People do surprise us. It has been said 'you can't go home again' because things change. It won't be there when you get there. Maybe this year Granny will have made her peace with commercialism. Ya never know.

Am I talking about extreme circumstances and crises? They can happen too. In our minds Christmas Day is something special, but in the grand scheme of things, it's a day when things that happen on any day can happen. I know several people who, sadly, had a relative die on Christmas Day, one even right at the dinner table.

The only thing you can control ' better to say 'manage' ' is your response to things that happen. You can't control what happens.

If things are really bad, you know it, and you need to do something about it, and I hope you will. Get therapy, prescribe therapy, don't show up, go with your loving partner on a cruise, or don't invite the cousin who needs to be in rehab and tell him why and pray for him.

But if it's like it is for most of us, somewhat unpredictable and nutty enough to be real, I hope you have a great, albeit imperfect Christmas, and keep your expectations flexible and low and your emotional intelligence high.

I'm thinking of the first Christmas after my son died. 'Have a Christmas,' one of my sensitive friends told me. I did. You can too.

About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA, Personal Life Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Offering coaching, Internet courses and ebooks for your personal and professional development. Relationships, career, emotional intelligence, transitions. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free EQ ezine. Become a certified EQ coach. Email for info.

Elephant Rescue - Limbic Brain

2011-01-01T23:30:00.001-08:00

From Susan Dunn's THE EQ COURSE(tm) which can help you increase your emotional intelligence. Email sdunn@susandunn.cc to find out how to sign up for this online course, self-paced, adult learning. Individual emotional intelligence coaching also available.

We share the limbic brain with all mammals. The limbic brain is what enables this sort of behavior.

This video called Elephants Have Friends Too, is about an elephant in distress and other elephants come to its aid. This is the limbic connection at work. We share the limbic brain with all mammals.

Elephants Have Friends Too - Funny blooper videos are here

Otello, a story of emotional intelligence gone bad

2011-01-01T16:42:00.001-08:00

Susan Dunn the EQ Coach talks about Otello (Othello) the story of emotional intelligence gone bad

Is one of your New Year's resolutions to improve your emotional intelligence? If so, please let me help you. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc to learn about the numerous products, services, programs and tools I offer, along with personal coaching.

here is Niun Mi Tema, Verdi, from the opera Otello

Emotional Intelligence, Marriage and Your health

2011-01-01T16:36:00.001-08:00

10 Questions to Ask When You're Considering Marrying Someone from the EQ Coach, Susan Dunn

what are we going to do about anger?

2011-01-01T16:31:00.000-08:00

Susan Dunn, EQ Coach, talks about anger

Want to work on your anger in 2011? Email Susan at sdunn@susandunn.cc for information on courses and long-distance programs to help you improve your emotional intelligence. Take THE EQ COURSE and improve your success in the coming year.

How Emotional Intelligence Contributes to Success

2011-01-01T16:10:00.000-08:00

Great emotional intelligence - EQ - videos

2011-01-01T15:54:00.000-08:00

Notes from an interesting article on Emotional Intelligence and folks over 60 years of age. See the full article HERE.

Emotional Intelligence Peaks as We Enter our 60s Research Suggests is the name of the article.

Older people have a hard time keeping a lid on their feelings, especially when viewing heartbreaking or disgusting scenes in movies and reality shows, psychologists have found. But they're better than their younger counterparts at seeing the positive side of a stressful situation and empathizing with the less fortunate, according to research from the University of California, Berkeley.

Thus begins the article.

Notes

-- research was by UC Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson

-- changes as we age can give older people an advantage in the workplace and in personal relationships.

"Increasingly, it appears that the meaning of late life centers on social relationships and caring for and being cared for by others," Levenson said. "Evolution seems to have tuned our nervous systems in ways that are optimal for these kinds of interpersonal and compassionate activities as we age."

-- older people are better at reinterpreting negative scenes in positive ways using positive reappraisal, a coping mechanism that draws heavily on life experience and lessons learned.

-- younger participants were better at using "detached appraisal" to tune out and divert attention away from unplesant scenes

-- this approach draws heavily on the prefrontal brain's "executive function," a mechanism responsible for memory, planning and impulse control and that diminishes as we age

You can see this is a fascinating article. Check it out.

Why We Lust and Why We Love

2011-01-01T15:34:00.000-08:00

"I never knew until we were married."

CHOOSING YOUR MARRIAGE PARTNER
from Susan Dunn, Dating and Relationship Coach

Probably the most important decision you will ever make in your life is the person that you marry, and from all reports, making a good choice in this area appears to be getting even more complicated. Our 50% divorce rate speaks to this. And, more dour, is the fact that this rate is raised due to the VERY high rate of failed second marriages, i.e., those who can't choose right the first time (or create a lasting relationship) fail to do so the second time.

I just finished reading a book that claims your strongest attraction (let's call it lust) is for someone who reminds you of a relationship you had with a parent. They contend this does not always make for someone you can comfortably live with.

The other choice, according to the authors, one of whom is a psychologist, is to choose someone for which the attraction is not so strong.

These are two options, yes, but I take issue with one of the premises.

NATURE KNOWS A GOOD NICHE
If you've ever been around dog breeders, you will know the phrase, "Nature knows a good niche." This is an explanation for why some female dogs will not allow male dogs to breed with them. The gist of the saying is that the female knows that male dog isn't going to make good puppies for her.

Studies show that many of our mating patterns and courtship patterns are hard-wired. They do not relate so much to nurture (your parents, or reason, or words, as they do to hard-wired evolutionary things. I think our strongest attractions ("lust") are for those where, well, nature is knowing a good niche, i.e., perhaps this might be nature's way of telling you who you might make good kids with. Whether or not you buy that theory, the question remains -- Is this a reason to marry someone?

No, it is not.

There has to be a certain amount of physical attraction, obviously, but you have to think hard about who you can live with -- daily. And with whom you can raise those kids.

WE FOUGHT OVER THE KIDS
Lately in doing dating coaching, I've heard more men say that they divorced (or were divorced) "because we fought over the child-raising."

It's a good idea to check out the other person's values, and observe how they live their lives and treat other people before you take that big step. Time is one crucial ingredient, and then seeing the other person in a variety of life situations.

One male client of mine married a woman of another faith, let's call it XX. He said, "The funny thing is, I didn't even know she was XX until we had kids. Then suddenly all our friends had to be XX, everything had to be done the way XX's do things."

Can you tell this sort of thing before? Well, it helps to get some consultation. Call me for coaching - relationship, dating, emotional intelligence, transitions, decision-making.

Choosing a life partner, spouse, or mate is serious business. When you're dating and trying to choose a spouse, let me guide you. Call me at 817-734-1471 or email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and let's start the new year off right.

2010-12-31T22:10:00.000-08:00

From Rose Marie:

Never Be Disappointed Again

“Your intuition is your guiding light.”

Your intuition is your quiet inner voice. It helps you make decisions, gives you direction and acts as your guide.

Intuition talks to you in different ways. Sometimes it’s a strong feeling or an inner “knowing.” Sometimes it’s a sudden flash of inspiration or a moment of clarity. No matter how intuition speaks to you, know it always wants the best for you.

Next time you’re faced with an important decision, calm your mind, let go of self-serving emotions or thoughts and let your intuition speak. At first, it may be subtle. But, with awareness and practice, you can recognize it instantly.

Trust your intuition to be your guiding light. It will never disappoint you!

Today’s Affirmation: I trust my intuition.

Traditions are What Give our Life Stability

2010-12-31T16:38:00.000-08:00

Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach

SPRING IS COMING. EASTER IS COMING.

I think of my Mom's potato salad, dying eggs with my children, the years our bird dog spent all Easter morning 'pointing' the eggs we'd hidden Al fresco brunches with fresh strawberry crepes which later gave way to dining room formalities of lamb roast with mint jelly, and fresh asparagus, then evolving back to ham, potato salad and deviled eggs, like my Mom. The years my sons and I celebrated in the Florida Keys, now celebrating with my son's in-laws, grilling out in the back yard. Religious services, spring bonnets, orchid corsages and Easter lilies. Customs particular to South Texas ' bluebonnets and Indian paintbrushes along the highway, cascarones and Fiesta, and finally, PEEPS®!

TRADITIONS

Traditions are what give our life stability and meaning and keep us in the rhythm of life. They give us something to look forward to, something to count on, and something to change when we want to, move, or add new family members! Traditions can always be changed or re-created. In fact, many of our transitions in life involve redoing traditions. EASTER/SPRING

Some of us will celebrate Easter as a religious holiday, others as a secular celebration. It's simply in our blood to rejoice in the springtime. Easter began when the ancient Saxons celebrated the return of spring with a festival in honor of Eastre, their goddess of fertility and spring. Her symbol was the rabbit! It's the custom in most cultures to celebrate the vernal equinox with various symbols of fertility and rebirth, such as rabbits and eggs!

Easter is the first Sunday following the first full moon, which falls on or after the vernal equinox, March 21st. There it falls between March 22nd and April 25th.

CASCARONES?

Is it (a) a waterfall in Northern Mexico, (b)a rare species of Easter orchid, (c)a large South American rodent, or (d) none of the above.

The answer is d.

Cascarones are hollowed-out eggshells filled with confetti. The tradition in the Southwest and Mexico is to crack them over your friends' heads, and the person with the most confetti in their hair is the most loved!

Check out this great cascarones tutorial: http://www.epicurious.com/e_eating/e04_easter/cooking_class.html .

Each year in April, San Antonio puts on FIESTA, which sometimes coincides with Easter ' weeks of festivities. Roadside vendors, grocery stores and upscale boutique sell cascarones. I used to mail them to my son when he was in college in Seattle, and wondered what the Washingtonians would think.

It's believed Marco Polo brought them to Mexico. You can order yours here, just $5.50: http://www.latinworksco.com/cascarones.html .

EASTER LILIES

The Easter Lily originated in Japan, but today, 95% of the bulbs used for the potted Easter Lilies we give, and receive, come from 10 farms along the California/Oregon border. They're grown in various other places, including Michigan. Did you know growers can count the leaves to determine when the plants will flower? Is there anything more fragrant?

CHOCOLATE

I eagerly await the annual spring ballotin from Lady Godiva: http://www.godiva.com/welcome.asp . Is the chocolate bunny more your speed? http://www.chocolatevault.com/easterbunworks.htm has chocolate bunnies, lambs, crosses, hens, roosters, loloes, Easter cards, you name it!

PEEPS® 50 Years of Divine Madness

Some year along the way, 'Peeps®' became a part of our Easter tradition. They're aren't in the house, we don't eat them, but they're v. much a part of the experience. And this year it's the 50th anniversary of Peeps®.

The 'San Francisco Chronicle' noted that over 600 million of these little marshmallow things will be produced, riding on a wave of 'kitsch and nostalgia drawn from two influential demographic pools.'

True in my household! I, the Baby Boomer, include them in baskets because that's what my parents did; my son, the Generation Xer, joins his peers in investigating all that a Peep® is, and all a Peep® can be.

Among the many mouth-watering recipes for Peeps® is Blue Peep® Pie which calls for blue gelatin, Caracao, and 15 blue Peeps®. 'Snip apart each family of Peeps®,' it says. 'Arrange in concentric circles atop pie filling. Use fresh blueberries to fill in gaps between Peeps®.' Full recipe is here: http://recipes.alastra.com/holidays/blue-peep-pie.txt . WHAT CAN YOU DO BESIDES EAT A PEEP®?

'I'm glad I'm not the only one who's tried toasting peep!' writes a list member of Gail's Recipe Swap Archive. 'I recently toasted some over a gas stove burner and got pretty good results. The key is to blow them out immediately when they catch on fire''

'Creative alternative uses' are listed on http://www.epicurious.com : 'Pre-Easter fresh Peeps® can be moistened in punch cups and then used around the kitchen window as cheery caulking. You can color coordinate this with your kitchen.'

Eat your heart out, Martha!

Various forms of Peeps® abuse also take place and are noted on the Internet: April Showers is here: http://www.marks.networktel.net/main.html .

Gen Xers may be seeking a Peeps® screensaver: http://www.marshmallowpeeps.com/about/screensaver.html or to send a Peeps ® ecard: http://www.marshmallowpeeps.com/about/screensaver.html .

Created by Just Born, Inc., they've been joined by Peeps® Marshmallow Jelly Beans. You'll understand the 'creative alternative uses' for Peeps®' when I report that tasters at epicurious.com 'found the marshmallow-fruit combo overwhelmingly sweet. Comparisons were made to Pledge® wood cleaner, bad bubble gum, and lavender soap.'

Wait a minute. Does that mean someone knows what Pledge® wood cleaner tastes like?

NOW VISITING A LOCATION NEAR YOU: The Peep® Fun Bus

It's coming to San Antonio, April 14-20! To find out when it's coming your way, go here: http://www.marshmallowpeeps.com/50_anniversary/fun_bus.html , or call the hotline: 1-866-270-9638. You can even request it for your special event or festival.

Heck, that's worth creating a festival for!

Q&A

Q: What do you have to do to get a year's supply of Peeps®? A: Win the Easter basket contest: http://www.marshmallowpeeps.com/50_anniversary/contest.html

Q: What's a 'year's supply' of Peeps®? A: 365 packages.

Q: What do the contest losers get? A: 2 years' supply of Peeps. j.k.

WHAT TO SERVE ALONG WITH YOUR PEEPS® FOR EASTER DINNER?

Will it be ham or lamb? Go here to cast your vote: http://epi.advance.net/forums/hamorlamb/ In south Texas, it's customary to cook out. The parks are full. Not having done this myself, I don't know for sure, but I think neither ham NOR lamb is involved.

I think I'll revert to haute cuisine this year. Rack of Lamb with Spinach Pine-Cut Crust and Minted pea Sauce, Hibiscus-Marinated Leg of Lamb (featuring dried nontoxic and organic hibiscus flowers, Red Zinger tea, garlic, olive oil, red current jelly), Lavender Crème-Caramel Tart, Asparagus Napoleons with Oriental Black Bean Sauce, Hot Cross Buns ' ahhh '. sounds well worth the effort to me. Visit: http://www.epicurious.com/e_eating/e04_easter/eastermenu.html for the menus. Or you may wish to have a Vegan Easter. Go here http://www.veganfamily.co.uk/easter.html#uk and you'll hear 'Easter Parade' playing.

EASTER BONNET

·Get your brightly colored Panama hat here, http://www.latinworksco.com/decolores.html

·Recipe for Easter bonnet cookies here, http://familyfun.go.com/recipes/special/feature/famf0401boncook/f amf0401boncook.html

·Attend the Easter Bonnet Rod Run, Oak Ridge Tennessee, http://www.easterbonnetrodrun.com/, 'Ladies bring your finest Easter bonnet, and Men, dress up your bonnet on your car' ·Attend the Annual Easter Bonnet and Hat Parade in San Diego, http://www.softops.org/easter.html

YES, HERE COMES PETER COTTONTAIL --

And last, but not least, the songs from our childhood. 'Here comes Peter Cottontail, hoppin' down the bunny trail, hippity hoppin', Easter's on its way. He's got jelly beans for Tommy, colored eggs for sister Sue, There's an orchid for your mommy, and an Easter bonnet too.

Originally sung by Gene Autry ( http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00003W8B9/susandunnmome-2 0 ) and you can listen to it here: http://www.dobhran.com/greetings/GReaster2.htm . SPRING CLEANING

Surely this is a time to spring clean ' your house, car, office, garden, mind, and spirit! Get the weeds out, turn the soil, add some fertilizer, water and sunshine, plants seeds, prepare for blossoms. Rebirth yourself ' come back to life!

About the author: EQ Coach', licensed Accountability Coach'. Emotional intelligence coaching, Internet courses, EQ assessments, business EQ culture programs, products available for licensing, training for EQ coaches. www.susandunn.cc, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine. Affiliates in UK, Australia, Malaysia. Ofrece coaching personal y cursos de Internet sobre inteligencia emotional (EQ). Se habla espanol.

The Harp: Emotional Intelligence and Healing

2010-12-20T23:50:00.000-08:00

THE HARP - an appropriate topic for Christmas time

Some say the harp is the most healing instrument -- both to listen to, and to play. Read about HEALING STRINGS - serving the critically and chronically ill and the dying, providing harp music at the bedside from the neonatal ICU to Hospice.

"It took me away from the hospital to a place to beauty and stillness." - a post-op patient

Why the harp? It has centuries of archetypal associations to angels, peace, healing, comfort, the end of suffering, and

... Heaven.

Why the harp?

It's wide pitch range (low C-32.703 Hz to high G-3136.0 Hz), vibrates the entire body;

It's unique glissando technique, using enharmonic tones, is heavenly;

Pythagoras saw the strings as symbols of the nervous system and plucking the strings appears to release tension;

Playing the harp vibrates the harpist's body, especially the thymus gland which is in the chest and important to the immune system

Even as long as 3,000 years ago, we understood the relationship between the music of the harp and the healing of the body and mind.

Recent medical studies have confirmed that the particular frequencies and sounds of the harp can aid healing and foster well-being.

This is true of other instruments and of classical music.

Susan Dunn, the EQ Coach also offer Club Vivo Per Lei

The Best Christmas Gift You Can Give Yourself: Simplicity

2010-12-11T01:14:00.001-08:00

I had to laugh when I read that quote recently. I particularly remember a time in my merry life when I had two sons, 3 dogs, my clothes filled two
closets in my home, I owned Madeleine pans, exotic juicers, a regular and a gourmet coffeemaker, 3 sets of flatware, 10 tableclothes, 10 sets of placemats for 6 or 8, and formal china tablesettings for 12 … and most "cluttering" of all, a social calendar that was unmanageable.

Life is a series of stages, and there is the "acquiring" stage.

However, there came a point where I felt overwhelmed by my "blessings" and took a look at what was going on. At the time, my boyfriend, who was a stock broker, kept saying, "Simplify, simplify." He lived what I considered a "Sparten existence."

It caused me to take a look at the whole picture. I was exhausted all the time. I went to a therapist; too bad there weren't coaches then. She said I was "trying to do too much." I interpreted it that I wasn't capable of handling all these things, and redoubled my efforts.

Coaches make things more clear. "Why are you doing what doesn't bring you pleasure?" would've been the question to ask. Eventually I asked myself that question and here are some of the things I did.

THE CLOTHES
I was still operating from an old childhood scarcity-mentality. I never had "enough" clothes in high school, not because my parents couldn't afford it, just that they didn't want to spend their money on that. I started babysitting rigorously to buy myself clothes and makeup and stuff. Not a bad thing to do, but I realized that
time was over. I gave a number of things to Goodwill, set aside a space-allotment, and stuck to it.

I did have to "dress" for my profession at the time (PR), so I chose two outfits I could accessorize in infinite ways. Scarves, jewelry and pins take far less storage space!

THE DOGS
Two were strays we had "adopted," under pressure from my good-hearted son. However, they were difficult dogs, not having been well-raised, and took far more work than our original family pet. I decided to give up this rescuing mentality and at the same time educate my children. We found good homes for two of them, and the family pact was "no more." We stuck with our one chosen, well-cared for, and well-trained dog.

THE ENTERTAINING WARE
That's a hard one. It's been an abiding interest and love in my life, to entertain with all the accoutrements. I decided that was an okay hobby, but to stick with what I had for a long time. How many sets of Christmas tablemats does one really
need?

THE COOKWARE
Life is choices. I could eliminate a lot of these things by turning to fast food, eating out, less elaborate meals. I decided this was not something
to sacrifice. There are health benefits to wok cooking, steamers, double boilers, etc., and "happy" benefits to beautiful Bundt cakes. My youngest son particularly enjoyed the camaraderie of a fondue meal. Our family dinners were fun for all of us, and a good thing, and I didn't want to sacrifice that for "convenience."

Not everything in the enriched life should be "efficient."

THE FINANCIAL PICTURE
My stocks were scattered all over the place, and we consolidated. It seemed risky to me to "put all my eggs in one basket," but we did, and it resulted in a nice financial gain.

THE ORGANIZATION
I decided it wasn't all that I had that was the problem - many of them were valuable to me and my lifestyle - it was the organization of it all.

One thing I did was buy containers, for instance, "fall decorations" and got everything in one place. I added to the box my apparel for that time of year - autumn sweaters, accessories, and jewelry. I labeled them clearly, stacked them in one place, and felt better about it all.

I tackled the gift-producing area. I had a bow maker, rolls of paper, ribbons, ready for every occasion. It was a time when the boys would be invited to a birthday party quite suddenly, and it kept me from "running out" at the last minute to buy the wrapping. This I decided to eliminate.
The storage space required and the clutter were not worth it, and it seemed I never had the right thing anyway. I bought 10 generic gift bags with white tissue, appropriate for any age or occasion.

Also, seeing myself "burdened" by the gifts coming my way - that teddy bear statuette just wasn't "me" even if it was expensive crystal - I switched
to what I call "disposable" gifts. Sending someone a floral arrangement, or a basket of fruit, or a Honey-baked ham would note the occasion, but it would "go away" and they wouldn't
have to find a place for it.

I have never been comfortable giving money, but gift certificates seemed possible. It showed at least a little "thought" and "effort," the two things I find missing in gifts of money. (Not that I've ever refused one!)

For those with no material needs whatsoever, I would donate money to a charity close to their heart. That is greatly appreciated by most people. Charities list in their newsletter the
gifts made in honor of, or in memory of, others, and that's a nice touch.

Re: the people in my life, I took a look at the investment-return ratio. Some of them, I had to admit, were a drain. With me being in a helping profession, some were "using" me for free counseling, while making no improvements in their lives, and that didn't give me the friendship I needed, or provide for them the counseling or
coaching they needed.

I made a list of the people who really meant something to me, with whom I had strong mutual bonds, and I whittled away at the ones who didn't contribute anything to my life. We call this in coaching, "getting rid of tolerations." Yes, people can be "tolerations" and I think this is one of the more important "ah hahs" Thomas Leonard, the founder of coaching, gave to the world.

I eliminated immediately the ones who were a negative drain on me, and took a closer look at ones wanting entry. I quietly discouraged some "friendships" from ever occurring in the first place. Life is choices.

I believe that our lives are greatly influenced by the 5 people we spend the most time with. I made sure the Top 5 were the ones I wanted and needed them to be.

META-THEORY
I decided to slow myself down at the checkout counter. I disciplined myself for 6 months. I would not make any impulse buys. I would go home and consider it. Usually it wasn't worth the effort to go back.

I would not go shopping to "window shop." There's no such thing! There's always something attracts my eye I think I "must have."

Shopping would be a necessity for essentials, not Saturday afternoon entertainment for me and the kids.

I put more thought into the things I gave others so as to slow the flow into their lives as well.

READY FOR THE NEW YEAR
As you participate in, or observe, the shopping frenzy of the holiday season. Ask yourself, "Why am I doing this?"

Good reasons are:
·It's meaningful
·I enjoy it
·I know it's something I can afford and know it's
something they need or would like

Bad reasons are:
·I don't know why
·To keep up with the Joneses
·Because I always have
·Because you're supposed to

Oserve closely your own behavior. That's the beginning of making positive changes.

It's the emotionally intelligent thing to do!

Holiday Survival Guide for Introverts

2010-12-11T01:10:00.000-08:00

If you're an introvert, celebrate the holidays YOUR way! None of that dancing on the table with a lampshade on the head for YOU! The holidays are a stressful time, but especially so for introverts (roughly 10% of the population).

One of the most important things you can know about yourself is whether you're an introvert or extravert, and how to enhance your life according to your natural tendencies.
If you're an introvert, here are some tips for a more enjoyable holiday season.
Allow extra time for sleep, rest, and quiet relaxation so you can recharge. When the world reves up even higher, it will get to you even more than usual.
Nobody has to accept every holiday invitation, in fact it's best to be discriminatory so you don't overdo. If you're an introvert, this applies double for you. It's okay to turn down party invitations!

Get PROACTIVE. If you sense an invitation coming, or if you want to, or must, celebrate with someone, jump the gun (which isn't your style) and channel it YOUR way. Invite someone to a concert, or the ballet. Think "time-limited." If you invite someone to lunch and then a concert, you know when it will begin and end and this eliminates some stress. Not so an Open House! Christmas Eve is also a good time to take your turn having the family over, as it's usually more peaceful, and nobody stays late.

When an introvert must attend a party or family gathering, it's best to plan ahead. Sometimes it works well to work out just before the gathering or take a nap. Whatever refreshes you. Experiment and find out! Then arriving at the party on time and greeting everyone makes your presence known and then you can disappear. It's also good to smile and reassure people you're having a good time, or else they'll become concerned -- since introverts show it different and are often under stress -- so people will be reassured and you won't get any more unwanted attention.
There are little tricks like bringing your camera and appointing yourself the official photographer, or being in charge of the music and spending a lot of time changing CDs. Also, then, the introvert can choose their own style of music.
What to do about the dreaded OFFICE PARTY ? They are really command performances and can be a strain. Volunteer immediately to do a job that requires working alone (such as being in charge of the invitations), or volunteer to sit at the sign-in table, which can take half the night. It allows for the kind of structured socializing that introverts often prefer.

After a party or family-gathering, take a warm bubble bath, or a nice evening walk - something to help you unwind and self-soothe. Your extraverted husband may drive home talking all the way and then plop into bed and start snoring immediately. Not you!

Everyone's entitled -- of course! -- to celebrate the holidays in ways they like. Another option is to save up vacation time and leave town -- a quiet cabin in the mountains with some good books and music and a loved one (or not), or maybe taking a cruise. You don't have to put up lights and frenzy - you can enjoy other people's when you get the urge, and you can shut it down, tune it out, and turn it off. You can choose your own level of stimulation.

Introverts also need to be alert to protect themselves from boundary violations. They are often "ready targets" at parties for loud, aggressive people, simply because they're quiet and often sensitive and considerate. Also for people who are agitated and want to be around a soothing person, or anyone looking for an "audience". Sitting alone in a corner leaves you prey to people you may find annoying and you can get cornered; getting up and moving around and choosing with whom you interact is the proactive way to handle this. Be a moving target!
You can also find ways to busy yourself at a party or gathering that allow you time alone -- helping out in the kitchen, passing hors d'oeuvres, taking out the wrapping paper trash and garbage, taking coats and wraps to the bedroom, or disappearing to the playroom with the children are some options.

Another part of the holidays that's stressful for everyone but may be more so for introverts is when multiple family appearances are required on one day, such as hitting every relative's house on Christmas Day. Best to establish the policy that you're going to do it one year at a time -- this year this house, next year the next.

There are many things introverts can do to help themselves enjoy the holidays more. Get proactive and make decisions early on!

Dysfunctional Family Christmas

2010-12-11T01:04:00.000-08:00

The articles are starting to appear in print and on the Internet about how to cope with the holiday family get-togethers and the word "dysfunctional" will be bandied about.

This article is about another way of looking at things I hope will be helpful. "Dysfunction" refers to something that doesn't function the way it should; something that doesn't do what it's supposed to. "Dys" means "bad" or "difficult."

Now, unless you're a flaming extravert with a staff of 10 to help you, it may well be "difficult." Whether it will be "bad" is another matter.

Thank heavens for Positive Psychology! Barring extremes, why not assume your holiday is functioning normally, that is, like everyone else's - it isn't perfect, but it's functioning just fine.

How so? The reason we talk about "peace on earth, goodwill to men" at Christmas is because it's an ideal. We pray for it because it exists so rarely, in brief moments only, or maybe a state of the heart. It's the song the angels sing.

Let's put a new spin on this by looking at the function of a family. The function of a family is to nurture, but it's also about learning to relate and deal with emotions. It's about imperfect you learning how to co-exist with imperfect others in an imperfect world, and it's the proving ground for getting out into the real world. It's where we learn many life lessons.

Some of them are what to do when we don't get what we want, how to fight and make up, how to share and how to get our share, how to comfort or soothe someone else or ourselves, what to do when other people are angry or when we are, and how to keep loving someone when we really don't like what they're doing. In other words how to deal with the ins and outs of interpersonal relating with resilience.

And what better place to experience this than at the family get-together? It will all be there. It always is.

The only totally calm, uneventful Christmas I participated in, where there were no tiffs and sputters and frustrations, everyone was numbed from a recent tragedy and simply going through the motions. We could've been in bed asleep, except we were sitting up, walking around, and talking. No one had the energy for either joy or anger. Perspective did not allow us to be upset that year that the gravy was lumpy.

Emotions are energy. They're part of life. The only thing worse than the ones we don't like, would be having none at all.

But even that was a functional celebration. Grief-stricken, we were together for support, and we were doing what we could about Christmas, which seemed an ugly charade, and some of them will. It worked. It won't be featured on the front cover of "Saturday Evening Post," painted by Norman Rockwell, but it will remain painted in our hearts.

Positive psychology refuses to focus on what's wrong; it looks at what's right, strong, and going well. If your family is together and your sister and brother are fighting again, well didn't they always? Isn't that what siblings do? Surely they have the sense to temper it a little in light of the occasion, but if they don't, ignore it, send them outside with the dogs, use your sense of humor and EQ, and get on with your own celebration.

If you start your Christmas get-together saying, "It's Christmas, couldn't we all just get along for an hour or two? And Mother, will you please stop crying?" think about what you're requiring. Is your household one in which it's implicit that certain emotions are not welcome (anger, disappointment, fear, sorrow)?

Of course no one in their right mind would begin by saying, "Okay, everybody fight! Get ready, get set, Go!" But toy with that notion for a moment. What do you think would happen if you did? By welcoming it, you take away its power. Even if you said this to two preschoolers, they'd probably giggle.

It's traditional in my family that the kids are always sick at Christmas. We live in South Texas; it's allergy time. However, it has traveled with us as well! This is the one thing we can count on. It's also traditional that some of us are tired and overwrought, and the more highstrung ones will be decompensating. Some of the kids are this way too.

I remember one Christmas when I was a kid when my folks just suddenly brought the whole thing to a halt and put us all to bed for a nap. That's sensible!

There are other "traditions" I won't go into, but let's just say people don't leave their regular personalities at home when they venture out at Christmas time.

It may be the tradition in your household that Granny will complain about the commercialism of Christmas (she always does), Uncle Fred and Aunt Mary won't be talking to one another (they never do), and Candee will be dressed inappropriately (just to embarrass her parents). Is the further tradition that you worry about these things or in some way try to prevent them happening? That might be one tradition you'd like to change this year. You might as well try and stop the tide, and you'll only make yourself miserable about being miserable.

You could also rid your mind of the "nevers" and "always." People do surprise us. It has been said "you can't go home again" because things change. It won't be there when you get there. Maybe this year Granny will have made her peace with commercialism. Ya never know.

Am I talking about extreme circumstances and crises? They can happen too. In our minds Christmas Day is something special, but in the grand scheme of things, it's a day when things that happen on any day can happen. I know several people who, sadly, had a relative die on Christmas Day, one even right at the dinner table.

The only thing you can control - better to say "manage" - is your response to things that happen. You can't control what happens.

If things are really bad, you know it, and you need to do something about it, and I hope you will. Get therapy, prescribe therapy, don't show up, go with your loving partner on a cruise, or don't invite the cousin who needs to be in rehab and tell him why and pray for him.

But if it's like it is for most of us, somewhat unpredictable and nutty enough to be real, I hope you have a great, albeit imperfect Christmas, and keep your expectations flexible and low and your emotional intelligence high.

I'm thinking of the first Christmas after my son died. "Have a Christmas," one of my sensitive friends told me. I did. You can too.

Decorating for the Holidays When Short on Time and Money

2010-12-11T00:55:00.001-08:00

Lucky you if you live in the north (of the US). Lucky all of us that nature is plentiful in providing free supplies for decorating our homes for Thanksgiving no matter where we live.

Even in South Texas at this time of year I can wander outside and clip off some branches from my yellow-berried pyracantha (I planted some with yellow berries as well as red just for this occasion), and grab a handful of at least brown leaves.

If you live in the north and can garner pine cones, seed pods, pine branches and fallen leaves in all their glorious colors, use these as the basis for your color scheme.

I'm also lucky to have a garden full of chrysanthemums in bloom ready to be put around in vases in the house. Since they're perennials (down here), I can always count on having them come back this time of year.

Check your yard and garden for blooms in keeping with your color scheme (and next year, consider planting accordingly).

You also have an array of decorating materials available in the produce department of your grocery. All those squashes lend themselves beautifully to the fall color scheme. It's nature's way. Go for it!

Arrange some greenery branches across the mantle and place fruits and vegetables around and there you have it. We're celebrating the harvest, after all.

Now here's the trick. We have two major celebrations coming up: Thanksgiving and then Christmas. Here at my house I need to make a quick transition and I'm short on time, like everyone else. I'm having guests for Thanksgiving, but then my grandchildren will be coming here the Friday after. I'm giving a Christmas Cookie Baking Party for Kids on Friday, and will need to switch rapidly from Thanksgiving to Christmas, so I've planned my decorating accordingly.

I'll be using only greens, yellows, golds and whites for Thanksgiving. Then, for instance, I can remove the white, green and yellow gourds and squashes from the greenery on the mantle, add some white lights and gold stars, gold jingle bells, and gold ornaments and I'm set to go.

The white, yellow and gold candles and tealights for Thanksgiving can remain. See how easy it can be!

Cheap tip for a real glow? Buy a fair-sized mirror, place it on your dining room table, buffet or mantel and cover it with tea lights. Beautiful!

You could achieve this same easy transition keeping green and brown for basic background and using accents of burgundy and rust. This is a more subtle look for Christmas than the bright primary red, but it works just as well.

Also make some trips to your local Goodwill and Thrift Stores and visit some garage sales. People give away the most amazing holiday decorations that can be yours for pennies. I've found everything - hand towels, wreaths, pillows, stuffed animals, wall pictures, water globes and statuettes. Since they're used only for a short time, you hate to spend too much on them.

And here's a neat tip. My Goodwill store has a selection of lamp shades and I have the lamps, don't you? You can change out your lampshades to fit your decorating scheme. Did you ever think of that? It only takes a minute. Just make sure before you go that you know which kind of lampshades you have, and match them.

Oh and don't forget to check out the picture frames at the resale shop. You could move a favorite photo to a holiday frame and place that up on the mantel as well.

In fact if you don't already have some great holiday photos, take some this year. I have a great photo of my grand-daughter sitting with a pumpkin I move to a central location at Thanksgiving, and then a collage of my own children at former Christmases I bring out in December. I bought an ugly print at a garage sale that had a beautiful forest green frame, threw away the print and substituted with the collage. It's such a dear reminder.

And while you're decorating, don't forget yourself! Most thrift stores set up displays of holiday apparel you'll want to take advantage of for you and the kids.

Some planning ahead can help you save time and money and still allow for a festively decorated home for the holidays.

Making Christmas Dinner More Festive

2010-12-11T00:48:00.001-08:00

"But Susan," you say, "Why would I be worried about making Christmas dinner more 'festive'? It's a family tradition my kids are sick on Christmas, my in-laws are staying with us for a week, I have to work Christmas Eve, and I've promised the maid the week off, ha ha. What I'm worried about is getting it to the table at all."

Oh, for many reasons, I reply. Because of the memories, because it's soothing and fun, if you work it right (read on), because it looks so nice and is so appreciated it can make up for other things you could let slip. There are many reasons.

So hang on, here we go. All these tips are sort of like "sleight of hand." They're things you can do while you have to be in the kitchen anyway type of things. They're relaxing even. Trust me!

And the "oohs" and "aahs" will be oh-so-energizing. They're affordable, too. This Christmas-tree shaped butter (see above) cost a couple of bucks at the grocery and who's going to notice what's sitting next to it?

Here are some ways to dress up the traditional Christmas table.

PIE CRUST

Make your usual pie crust, 2-crust version. OK, who am I kidding. Buy the frozen ones. Thaw them and dump them out of their original tins, combine several (they're too skimpy I think), roll them out, begin all over again.

Line the pie tin, put in the filling, then roll out the second crust and cut shapes using cookie cutters, or cut out shapes free-form with a sharp knife. First one doesn't work? Pie dough is very forgiving. Roll it up and start again. Your "second chances" are infinite. You could also use something from a child's coloring book for a pattern.

If you don't have cookie cutters, cut out 3 rounds for holly berries using a bottle cap, and cut out some spiky holly leaves with a knife.

If you have the time and the inclination, when the pie is baked and cooled, then use frosting to decorate your crust. Of course this is frosting from a can or tube you bought. On another planet, in another lifetime, you'll make the frosting. Buy the plastic tips and plastic pastry bag so you can just throw them away.

Repeat after me -- if it's pretty, it, like the well-chosen dress, can hide a multitude of sins. Get some candies 'n' stuff, like licorice for Santa's belt. I'd come home from working the Christmas Eve church service, you know a bit weary, and my sons would come in the kitchen to watch and "help out." It was cozy. Memories.

Any kind of liquor goes well with any kind of fruit pie, so splash a little um in the pumpkin pie, or a little cognac in the cherry.

Or do the usual-only-very-different. Make a frozen pumpkin chiffon pie. The virtue of that is -- you guessed it --it can be done so far ahead of time. Then at serving time, crumble candy canes and sprinkle them on top. Don't know who helps you at your house, but I had sons, and they loved to put the canes in waxed paper and then whack it with the rolling pin. Festive Family Fun at the Dunn household. Me 'n' the boys.

I hope by now you're beginning to see that we are playing and enjoying ourselves as much as anything.

CANDY CANES

Candy canes go so well with chocolate. You can make a chocolate dessert, like that instant pudding concoction with dream whip that kids like so much. Email me if you don't have that recipe. Then sprinkle candy canes atop.

SWEET POTATOES

Mash canned yams and place in Pyrex. Then whip up meringue nice and stiff, with lots of sugar. Beating things is therapeutic as well, and the kids are fascinated by the process. ("Is it ready yet?")

Circle the bowl with the meringue, and then make dollops on top with peaks. Then you can (1) sprinkle it with colored sprinkles, or (2) in the center put 3 maraschino cherries and some pineapple leaves, like holly. Or put marshmallows around the rim and decoration in the middle. In your next reincarnation you will make Martha's
homemade marshmallows and put them on top.

BOULE DE NIEGE

Simple, cheap, elegant-looking, quick, do-ahead treat. Yay!

Use seasonal ice cream -- peppermint, coconut, eggnog, pistachio. Let the ice cream soften and scoop it into a round Pyrex® that you've greased lightly with Pam®. Put it in the freezer until well frozen again. (Don't you love the things you can do in stages? Maybe at this point you'll need to run the dog to the vet because it ate 2' of tinsel, like I did one Christmas, oh yes.)

Later ... take it out, soak the dish briefly in larger bowl of warm water till you see the ice cream melting on the edges, turn it over on a pretty serving platter, and out it comes in a ome. Tear strips of waxed paper and place them all around the plate, under the ice cream. Now whip cream till stiff, put it in pastry bag, use a tip such as Wilton 2D and pipe, pipe, pipe, little shaped blobs, each one next to the other till the mound is completely covered. Gently remove the waxed paper, wipe the serving platter with a wet rag, and place the ball back in the freezer till frozen. Once it's frozen, cover it with a bowl or wrap until ready to serve. "Boule de niege" is French for "snowball"!

If you want to use Redi-whip, you must do it right before serving because it doesn't last. How do I know? Well, it was a very sad "learning experience" involving a Christmas luncheon for my bridge group and I'll leave it at that.

Want it even easier? There's an ice cream baking kit available here: http://www.thecompleatgourmet.com/merchandise.htm .

BEEF WELLINGTON

Make a mixture of Dijon mustard red, green and white peppercorns (available here: http://www.famousfoods.com/71996.html ). Coat the beef with this before you encrust it. Put cut-out shapes on the crust as well.

MASHED POTATOES

Mash them and put them in a serving bowl. Then sprinkle just enough cayenne and parsley flakes for color. Wait a minute, I forgot we've let the maid have the week off. Use mashed potato mix, plump it into those festive individual ramekins (Williams-Sonoma has some pretty bright red ones) and bingo! Oh wait, place a star-shaped pat of butter atop each one.

SIMPLE CAKE

Bake your cake in a springform pan with a Christmas base - Christmas tree and holly patterns are available here:
http://www.happycookers.com/wc.dll/products/divulge/1-16451.html

PARFAITS

Super easy, cheap, eye-candy, and doaheadable.

X-rated Version: Fill fluted glasses with any ice cream. Drizzle green crème de menthe and chocolate over it. Add maraschino cherry - red or green. If you use red cherry, add green mint leaf.

GP-rated Version:Drizzle with hot fudge sauce and sprinkle crumbled candy cane on top.

TRIFLE

Trifle is the original LOW MAINTENANCE dessert. There are as many recipes as there are people making it. We love it because it's like that old "dump cake" recipe, remember? It just doesn't matter that much. Soak that cake in amaretto or schnapps, add what you like, layer it ... it's got cheap ingredients, it's retro-new, and the presentation! It's so NOT FRAGILE. Put it in a huge brandy snifter type container. Or put it in a Christmas tureen and smooth a layer of whipped cream on the top (use warm wet flat spatula). This makes it look like a lid and people will keep trying to pick it up and there will be finger prints all over it (and lots of laughs).

VEGIES

Put chopped red peppers in among the peas, Brussels sprouts or broccoli; stuff tomatoes with hamburger, cheese, green peppers, parsley. Cut stars out of processed cheese slices and place atop casserole.

MORE GOOD NEWS

If you did even 3 of these things, it would be "gilding the lily." Choose one or two. That's all!

I'm sure you can tell my philosophy has always been 'if I'm going to have to do it, I'm doing to make a party out of it.'

Enjoy!

Christmas present for my wife - ask the EQ Coach

2010-12-11T00:38:00.000-08:00

Dear EQ Coach:

I don't know what to get my wife for Christmas. I love her, but I hate to shop. I want to ask my secretary to pick something out for her. Do you think this is wise? I have plenty of money, no time, and I hate to shop.

Signed: Ready to Delegate in Delaware

Dear Ready to Detonate Relationship in Delaware:

You have plenty of money, no time, and a death wish. No secretary, no friend, nobody can choose a gift for your girlfriend that won't reek of "didn't care." Have you forgotten for a moment that women are intuitive? She will know.

How will she know? Take the EQ Foundation Course© and find out about intuition. Any man considering letting someone else choose the gift for the woman he loves needs EQ help right now.

Do it yourself. Call a coach for some ideas. Order it online to be gift-wrapped and delivered. Send your secretary out to pick it u or use a courier service. But never let someone else choose that special gift. She will know.

Signed: The EQ Coach

P.S. Yes, she WILL know.

Still not convinced?

Dear EQ Coach:

I'm appalled. My husband just gave me my Christmas gift early. We've been married 3 years. It was an expensive Lladro. Of a horse. I don't like horses. I've never ridden a horse. I've never talked about one. I don't have any horse thing in my house. I think they smell and are dangerous and my hobby is needlepoint. Furthermore, I don't ^collect^.

On the other hand, his secretary owns and breeds horses. She has horse statues all over her desk.

I'm sick. What should I do?

Signed: Horses my A**

Dear Horses:

Well, I don't recommend gelding ...

Signed: The EQ Coach

All I Want for Christmas is My Son Back

2010-12-11T00:33:00.000-08:00

The holidays are upon us … and how they churn up our emotions. The expectations … the memories … the empty chairs …
Somewhere there's the Norman Rockwell family celebrating, but it was never at my house. Was it at yours?

A client and I have in common the loss of beautiful young men on the cusp of adulthood -- my youngest son, who died at 21, 3 years ago; her younger brother, who died at 17, much longer ago than that, and yet it was only yesterday. I share with her my poem saying it is the hardest time to lose a child … "and the world never knew him at all," it ends -- and she says she knows what I mean.

My mother used to tell me when I was young and tragedy occurred to others, never to speak of "luck" or "dessert," but to say, "There but for the grace of God, go I," and my first Thanksgiving after my son's death, I hoped the church-goers would pray for someone who had lacked the grace of God.

My client says she is going to have everyone share their gratitude this year and she knows it will be emotional. "There are too many empty chairs," she says. She lost her older brother as well, and her father.

She says my grief is still "raw," and she's right, but hers is too, around Christmas. We agree that all emotions will be welcome at the holiday table. We're working on emotional intelligence together. I'm The EQ Coach.

I tell her that my family is still in the early recovery stages - there are conversations my older son and I haven't had yet about the death of his younger brother. She says she knows what I mean. We talk about the importance of ‘saying their name' - the names of the ones who are dead. I tell her that my grand-daughter speaks Chester's name all the time She asks me at the dinner table if Chettie liked yogurt when he was 5. She catches me on the patio at night and tells me that Chettie Chettie Bang Bang is dancing with the stars.

"I want you to die when you are very, very old, Nana," she says to me.

"Yes," I say, with tears in my eyes. "That's the way it's supposed to be."

"Your grand-daughter knows," says my client. We share a silent moment of Empathy.

Some years ago I worked for a church. I ‘worked' the Christmas Eve service. Other services were filled with loudness, but the Christmas Eve service is silent. My job was to meet and greet, to ‘be a presence,' but the holy silence at the Christmas Eve service was so palpable, so pregnant with meaning, mostly I just stood there. No one was looking for ‘a presence.' Every person seemed to have a person sitting on either side of them in memory only. Especially the old women.

Some of them would hug me with tears in their eyes and say a name … "Paul," a dead husband … or "Missy", a lost child … Ghosts from Christmasses past.

Those of us who worked the church service held one another together. Meanwhile the children ran around screaming, high on sugar and excitement, dressed in their party clothes, the sound of their laughter and their bright and noisy dress shoes echoing down the halls.

Do you have memories of Christmas like I do?

Kids throwing up, the first one in the new home, the canceled flights, the gift that pleased or didn't, the first Christmas as "the mother-in-law," the last one with a loved one, the first one with the new baby, someone drunk, someone newly married, someone away from home for the first time, the first Christmas after my divorce, the time the table caught fire, the time everyone got along, the time everyone fought, the snow, the heat wave, the beautiful red satin skirt, the peace, the chaos, the curdled crème Anglais, my dad peeling a tangerine, the kiss under the mistletoe, the Hallelujah chorus …

I remember the time our kids were with their fathers, hers for the first time, and I found my friend crying in the church restroom and took her out for dinner, saying, "Come on. I'll show you how to do this."

The time I listened to a psychologist friend of mine talk of his exhaustion from "all the people who need to be heard this time of year".

The worst Christmas Eve? There wasn't one. They were all good in their own way. The best Christmas Eve? All of them, and this one coming up! One in particular though, a lesson in ‘you never know.' The best adult Christmas Eve - my second and last date with a man named Chris, but it turned out we had exactly the same idea of how Christmas Eve should be and we accomplished it together. Sometimes the butterfly of happiness comes and lights on your shoulder if you don't go after it.

Perhaps your memories are as mixed and full as mine. I have good and bad memories, and none of them like the Norman Rockwell Christmas.

The holidays are particularly difficult for those of us with alcohol problems in the family. The memories - or the reality -- of someone drunk or passed out, the fighting, the fear, the anger, the unpredictability and the denial.

The holidays are particularly hard for those of us far from home.

And the holidays are particularly hard for single people, who must go and "sit at the end of the couch" at other people's houses.

And the holidays are particularly hard for young folks with babies. The kids are always sick, there's too much to do, too little time, maybe too little money.

But the holidays are no less hard for those of us with no family, too little to do, too much time, too much money.

The EQ Coach reminds herself that
·It's our expectations that cause us misery; keep them realistic. Better yet, don't have any.
·If you don't go looking, it could be your year for the Christmas butterfly.
·That exhaustion and stress aren't good this time of year. Take care of yourself!
·All emotions are welcome; our grief is the price we pay for the exquisite joy in the same proportion - that's the deal, that's the way it is. If we won't allow grief, we can't have joy.
·That some people aren't able to be present at Christmas - some are dead, some are locked in the past, and some are off in the future, and that's okay.
·That Optimism is a good option - how we attribute bad things that happen. If the turkey burns - not a small thing if you're the daughter-in-law fixing the meal for the first time -- that it means the thermostat didn't work, not that you can't cook.
·That Flexbility is wise - people get sick, plans change, gifts don't arrive, but the celebration can still occur - there are many ways to skin a cat.
·That Resilience is earned not given, and it's earned by processing hard times and learning from them. GROWING through them, not just GOING through them.
·That nothing's perfect and you'll only exhaust yourself and make yourself and everyone else miserable if that's your goal.
·That we have Personal Power and choices - it's your holiday to spend as you wish. Christmas has a knob - turn it on, turn it up, turn it down, turn it off.
·And that if it's good, it will change, and if it's bad, it will change.

Ask yourself and those around you, "How do you feel about Christmas?" There are lots of people who need to be heard this time of year.

My client tells me she's going to start a new tradition this year. She'll invite everyone over for a Christmas brunch. I tell her I think this is a great idea, and I make a note to send her some of my cardamom bread. It mails well and has the virtue of containing no candied fruit!

I have new traditions, too. I have a little cap for my dog that says "Chimney Watch: Santa Patrol" on it. I'll have it on her when the kids walk in the door, and there will be jingle bells on the door knob and a motion-sensored wreath on the door with eyeballs from K-Mart that says "Ho Ho Ho".

I have an ineffable desire to enjoy myself and my life. I hope you do too!

Chettie would approve.

Expectations and the Family Vacation

2010-12-11T00:08:00.001-08:00

This article is about vacations in general. Modify to suit the holidays. It applies even moreso.

It's that time of year again: Time for the family vacation. It's a good time to rethink some things like perfectionism, expectations, and the meaning of the word "vacation."

First of all, we call it a "vacation," but if you're the parent, it isn't going to be one. Maybe I was slow, but it took me quite a while to figure out that I, the parent (and a single-parent at that), was going to work even harder on a vacation than at home, and that it wouldn't be a relaxing time for me. After all, I was taking the boys to new places where they would be full of new ideas, and it always required more supervision than at home. As soon as we hit the beach, outrageous demands began. One ran one way, the other another. Being in a new place, they weren't sure what the rules were, and they had to be re-established. Being around new things, they weren't always as cautious as they should be, and I had to be vigilant. They got sick, got fishing hooks in their thumbs, stepped on man-o-wars, the rental car got a flat, the resort room's air conditioning broke and we had to pack up and change rooms, and more than once someone was throwing up all night long. While we always had a wonderful time, and I always returned happy (and of course the kids did), I often returned more tired than when I'd left!

I began to name these "The Kids' Vacations," just so I kept my expectations in line with reality, and to plan vacation-vacations for myself - getaways where I could relax in ways I needed to. The Kids' Vacations were for having fun as a family! And kids don't need a "vacation." They're always high energy and on-the-go, yes?

Here are some things to keep in mind as you plan and take the family vacation that can keep you from unrealistic expectations which will erode your experience:

1.Kids are likely to become more boisterous on a vacation, because of all the new fun things. New experiences and new situations will present things they haven't encountered before, so you have to be on guard about their safety on a constant basis. Try and GO rested; don't plan on COMING HOME rested.

2.Think of it as a fun adventure for the family where you get to know one another better and spend time together under new circumstances. Then whatever happens will fall in line.

3.There are more options all the time where childcare is also available. Many resorts and cruise lines offer programs for children and teens that provide great activities, supervision, and a chance for them to make new friends, while giving you some adult time to yourself. Consider this option.

4.Consider bringing along a mother's helper, or older niece or nephew, or willing grandmother to help with the children.

5.Because it's all new, anticipate some irregularities, and relax into the situation. It's typical when we get stressed to tighten up and become rigid and this only makes things worse. Use your emotional intelligence to be flexible and creative. If your child has never been fishing before, or never been to a bit-city museum, you can't anticipate all the things they can go wrong, so don't be surprised if they do. It's part of new learning experiences. If they've never participated in formal night on a cruise, their table manners may not be quite in line. Anticipate what you can. Deal with what happens.

6.If you intend to have a great time together, don't let anything get in your way. There's no reason why a visit to the ER should "ruin your vacation," any more than a few tantrums, some embarrassing table manners, a flat tire, or missed plan connections should. Your experience of your vacation is in your own hands.

7.Plan ahead for the predictable - high spirits, moments of boredom, and fights with siblings. You've dealt with these at home, and they will accompany you on your trip. Think of ways to deal with these under new circumstances - in the car, plane, resort, tourist sights, and be prepared with the materials you need. A kit with magic markers, some ear phones, a journal or a good book to read can make the difference.

8.Anticipate testing of the limits. It will only throw you if it comes as a surprise. Children do this in any new situation, and a vacation is full of them. Apply the same measures you do at home - make it clear where the boundaries are, be consistent, pleasant, and anticipate the best.

9.Understand that children will rev up for a vacation, not calm down. Some adults do this as well, of course. Some of us plan vacations where we can relax and rest; others plan mountain-climbing adventures, and barefoot sailing. Some of us plan both! Be mindful about what comes with the territory.

10.Allow times for children to work off their energy. Plan breaks during long car trips. Take them for a run on the beach before you go to the art museum. After the formal dinner with Aunt Betty, turn them loose in the courtyard to run around a bit.

11.Discuss expectations beforehand. Explain what you can, and what sort of behavior you expect in different circumstances. You can't cover everything, but you can cover a lot. One thing that's very important with smaller children is "coming when called." You can also buy those harnesses for errant toddlers, for their own safety and your peace of mind.

12.Be sure and provide safety equipment - car seats, restraints, life jackets and such. Bring along syrup of ipecac, epinephrine, and other things your physician may recommend for emergencies. Carry a first-aid kit with bandages, Neosporin and tweezers. The same sort of equipment you have at home. Because a vacation provides new situations, accidents can be more likely to occur.

Last but not least, process after each vacation. What did you plan well, what did you plan poorly? What worked and what didn't? What would you do again, and what would it be best to avoid? What would you do differently? Get the whole family involved in the discussion, so everyone becomes mindful.

And don't forget the most important thing: find out what everyone enjoyed the most. Be sure and go over the good times with the family, and make plans for more in the future.

10 Ways to Use Music During the Holiday Season

2010-12-10T23:04:00.000-08:00

This might be a time of year where you're looking for, oh, some different ways to soothe, level, motivate, energize yourself and otherwise get on top of your cascading emotions. The EQ Foundation Course© emphasizes the great arts as an adjunct to Emotional Intelligence, though the not-so-great arts are helpful too. May we suggest?

1. Need to get solidly centered
Like, as the metaphysicians say, when you vision yourself growing a tail and having it grow like an anchor down to the center of the earth kind of centered?

Try anything with a big solid bass, up loud, but make sure the lyrics don't interfere. The right-brain will dominate and you'll hear the music first, but your left-brain will still be getting the lyrics. Thus, avoid "Oh Elizabeth" which has the beat, but the lyrics are sad.

OUR SUGGESTION: "I Loved ‘Em Everyone," by T. G. Sheppard

2. Need to deal with something heavy, such as last year your father died on Christmas Eve and here comes the first anniversary

OUR SUGGESTION: Only classical music will work for this and that's why we call it classical. For such a deep need, to maintain your grip when something's rocked the foundation of your world, we recommend, Beethoven's "Eroica".

"Eroica" means "heroic" and that you will need to be.

Beethoven lived through the worst thing that can happen to a person. It's there, in his music. For you.

3. To get lightly level

OUR SUGGESTION: Nothing will probably ever compare to Pachelbel's "Canon". After that we give 5 stars to George Winston, particularly "December." Good masseuses play these tapes. There are no ups and downs and that may be just what you're aiming at. :)

Also "What Child is This"

4. To rip the heart out of Christmas, like when you want to just sit down in front of the tree and cry at the beauty and the splendor of it all and get it over with (and get the toxins out) and then eat a pint of Haagen Daz and go to sleep

OUR SUGGESTION: Pavarotti's Christmas video, Panis Angelicus duet with the little boy, especially if you had a little boy who now has whiskers on his cheeks. Or Placido Domingo with the Vienna Boys Choir. Then you can pull out your heart and put it on the table beside you, right there beside the dish of peppermints, and the cinnamon-scented candle, and you'll know you had Christmas.

5. Want something Christmassy but light

OUR SUGGESTION: Harp music is good for this, like for baking cookies to. It doesn't pull the emotions. It's close to the lyre, the instrument the Greek god Orpheus played to soothe the savage beasts, and to win a favor from Hades, the god to whom there is no altar (death), the god with whom there is no bargaining.

Completely upbeat, light and fun is "A Reggae Christmas," by Various Artists, and yes, my friend, "sensei" does rhyme with "pear tree." Listen to it on the way in to work. That's girl's laughter will carry you through your day - The Ras Family, "We Wish You a Merry Christmas," and June Lodge's "Joy to the World" will put joy in YOUR world.

6. Need to get some physical work done, sick of Christmas, got the kids around

GP RECOMMENDATION: (1) "Great Balls of Fire," Jerry Lee Lewis. How could you possibly be "mindful" with that going on? It's great fun. It will clear the air. (2) "Don't Worry Be Happy," by Marley.

7. The out-laws are coming, I mean the IN-laws, and you, exhausted, crabby and high on sugar as you are, must clean the house and you aren't exactly in the MOOD for a Christmas Carol, if you know what I mean

OUR SUGGESTION: If you haven't cleaned house with your two preschoolers marching along behind you to a John Philip Sousa march, you haven't lived. Give the little one a paper hat and get out his toy drum. Ok, quit laughing and taking pictures and get back to work, you!

OUR PG SUGGESTION: Got older kids you need to get working with you? Call it "the main event," and put on the Jock Jams, "Let's Get Ready to Rumble."

OUR X RATED SUGGESTION: You and your partner put "Cotton Eyed Joe" on -- I mean the Texas version - and invent your own lyrics appropos to the, um, challenges of the moment. (This is popular at office holiday parties with adjusted lyrics as well!) And DO the Cotton Eye Joe as you push that vacuum around. Here's how.

OUR X-17 RATED SUGGESTION: The Pogues, "A New York Fairytale." The boys in the NYPD were singing Galway Bay ... (a little venting).

8. Need to be inspired and also to get in touch with the spiritual side of Christmas

OUR SUGGESTION: Handel's "Messiah, Hallelujah Chorus," of course. Just the chorus, unless you're an aficianado and can afford to tire yourself out.

Remember, if you will, that when you hear "The Hallelujah Chorus," you are to stand up.

Do this. Right there at home in your living room. It will do something for you.

Great Christmas Carols like "Hark the Herald Angels Sing," and "Go Tell It on the Mountain"

9. Now, or any time you're beginning to feel just slightly resentful of all your "blessings"

OUR SUGGESTION: "Lord, What Did I Ever Do," by the Oak Ridge Boys is great for attitude adjustment.

10. For the peace that passeth all understanding

OUR SUGGESTION: Stille Naq, Noite de Paz, Noche de Paz, Sainte Nuit, Cicha Noc, Glade Jul, Stille Nacht, Po La`i E, or, as many of us know it, Silent Night, the lullaby that's been translated into every language on earth, composed by the greatest unsung duo in musical history, Mohr (lyrics) and Gruber (melody).

We also recommend "Ave Maria."

Let them still your heart and bring you peace.

When the Holiday Office Party is a Seated Dinner

2010-12-10T22:46:00.001-08:00

Q: What's harder than knowing how to shine at the Christmas office party?
A: Knowing how to shine when it's a seated dinner.

The open-format Christmas office party is a piece of cake compared to a seated lunch or dinner. At a buffet-type function you can move around, which means you can disappear when you want to. You don't want to get caught hiding out in the ladies' room all night, but since you're free to move around, you can leave any person or group when you want, and even leave the room.

However, at the seated affair you are trapped. If it strikes fear in your heart, you aren't alone. Even for a pro, this isn't easy. Here are some tips:

IT ISN'T A PARTY

Never forget this. It may superficially appear different (new place, new people), but remember everything you say can and will be used against you.

You'll be seeing these people Monday morning. If you think it's hard to face a one-night stand after creeping out of her house in the middle of the night, wait till you have to face your boss Monday morning after getting sloppy drunk Saturday night and spilling your guts about some personal problem you can't handle. I mean how will (s)he expect you to be a competent Marketing Director when you were crying because your cat had died? I know the two things have nothing to do with one another, but your boss doesn't.

Think of the word "mortifying." No one needs to know about your hysterectomy, how well Viagra works for you, that your young wife left you, that you think the new manager stinks, or anything else about your personal life.

You simply are not free to say anything you want to.

FOLLOW THE LEADER

Once seated, you must watch the leader to know what to do. It can be the boss, or his or her spouse, whichever one is dominant. Watch what they're doing. Emily Post may say not to eat asparagus with your fingers, but if your boss' wife is, you really need to think about it. In most cases, I'd go ahead and do it along with her. If you don't, you're making a statement. It's that important what your boss and his or her partner do. Don't start to eat until they do. If they don't order dessert, you don't. Monkey see, monkey do.

CONVERSATION

General conversation while you're being seated will devolve into one conversation dominated by the boss at least for a while, often for the entire meal. Your job is to pay attention. If the boss, sometimes aided and abetted by a crony or colleague, starts in on a monologue, be an attentive audience. Look horrified if something bad happened, laugh if he tells a joke, maintain eye contact, be respectful. It can amount to a performance. It's almost always dominated by males.

FOOLS RUSH IN

There may be lulls in this monologue from the boss. Don't attempt to fill them if you're an amateur. Nowhere does the expression "fools rush in where angels fear to tread" apply more fully.

You don't know this side of your boss. You don't know her sense of humor, what annoys her, what her prejudices are, her religion, or any number of important things that you can step right into if you feel compelled to fill air time. Even the most innocent comment can get you in trouble because it's a very magnified situation - one person talking at a
time to the whole table. What you say will echo and reverberate, all the way to your next performance appraisal.

ETIQUETTE

Timing matters. No choice here. Arrive 15 minutes early and don't leave before everyone leaves.

Don't be the first to complain about anything. No matter how it appears to you, the company (boss) is putting on the affair, and criticisms will be taken personally. Don't send the meat back; don't complain about how hard the chairs are. You're a guest; be appreciative. Save face.

If the boss does complain about something, agree, but be milder about it. Never upstage. If he thinks the salmon is "atrocious," don't say, "I thought it was heavenly," or talk
about a time when you got instantly ill with food poisoning over salmon one time. If he's got a big personality, he'll probably announce the salmon won't do and tell the waiter to take back everyone's. If it's more minor than that, say something like, "Yes, I think you're right, but isn't the risotto delicious?"

Conversation is the focus. Comments should never be made about what someone else is eating or isn't ("What's wrong Marcia? Don't you like the XX?") or doing. If someone knocks over their water glass, help them out surreptitiously, but keep the conversation going as if nothing had happened.

CROSS TALK

If the boss starts a conversation with the person on her side, you may do the same, but be prepared to cease if the boss takes the stage again.

Many people find this practice obnoxious, but the boss is "the presence," and it's their job to hold court. It's work and it's expected. Save any personal issues you may have about this for another time.

FISH BOWL

All of us know intuitively that the person who isn't nice to the waiter isn't a nice person at all. You are being watched.

BLEND

Match behaviors. Sedate, or rowdy, attempt to get with the spirit of the thing. Whatever personal idiosyncrasies you may have about food or spirits, keep it to yourself. No one wants to know that you're on a diet, lactose intolerant, in recovery, allergic to chocolate, or a vegan. Order or eat from what's available, without comment.

METALLIC?

What to wear? Office festive, which means a muted Christmas pin, scarf or tie, but don't be shouting "Christmas." Stay within the normal range for attire at your office adding only a 'nod' to the holidays. If you don't know the difference between "professional dress up" and "party attire," you're going to flunk. This is not a time for skins, latex, cleavage, a lot of hairy chest exposed, a jingle bell bracelet, or anything remotely approaching a "costume."

You may feel like Mrs. Santa or the Christmas Elf that night, but Monday morning you're going to be HR Director or Senior Accountant, and how can they respect you when they were staring at your exposed breasts across the table?

DON'T ENJOY YOURSELF

Sorry, it's one of the most stressful things you can go through. You are trapped for an hour or more of scrutiny, you have to think every moment, and you must've relax.

If you're new to this, observe others to know what to do, imitate the person you think is most savvy, and resist all urges to stand out in any way. There's nothing wrong with sitting there, smiling, and saying a little when spoken to. Observe with the intent of learning. Notice what goes over well and what doesn't, and make mental notes for the next time.

©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Offering coaching, Internet courses and ebooks for your personal and professional development. Visit the best ebook library on the Internet - www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html . Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free EQ ezine.
Article Source: www.homehighlight.org

Marriage ... Myths ...

2010-10-24T17:12:00.001-07:00

ROMANCE AND HAPPY MARRIAGE MYTHS

This is such a nice little article. What goes around comes around!
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The institution of marriage is surrounded by a number of myths,stories and advice freely offered by people on a daily basis.

Unfortunately, many people listen to and believe these pieces of so-called wisdom to the point where it doesn't help their marriage and it only hinders its growth.

Many of the myths regarding relationships are incredibly damaging and it is unfortunate that they are such common beliefs. Once you understand why certain bits of advice or information can be regarded as myths, you can break through what could be blocking the growth of your marriage.

In fact, you may actually learn to appreciate your spouse and your role in your marriage even more.

Sensationalist television, magazines and talk radio have been key players when it comes to fueling any belief that there is a battle between the sexes happening.

While there are definitively some physical and psychological differences, they are not enough to earn the term 'battle' as a description.

When you allow yourself to consider any kind of battle between the sexes, you risk grouping all men or all women into a certain category and that leads to Stereotyping.

Once you recognize that your partner is a unique individual with a number of positive attributes, you can shed the thought that there should be any type of conflict between the two of you.

Any thought of battle or conflict only leads to lack of communication, misunderstandings and discourages growth in any relationship.

Nice guys finish last is one of the worst possible sayings floating around today.

Whoever thought of that and actually uttered those words must have been feeling truly low and full of self-pity because there simply cannot be any other explanation. Nice guys never finish last.

They may have a longer and harder road sometimes, but it isn't often that you see the bullies and jerks finishing first. If they aren't, who is? It's the nice guys, but they are so nice and gracious you don't hear them bragging about it.

It is also important to note that the word 'nice' doesn't mean 'weak' or ' effeminate' in any way. Nice means socially or conventionally correct; refined or virtuous and not at all negative in any way.

Nice is not another word for push over or spineless. Nice is as close to a 'perfect' man as you can come and they always end up first in line.

Romance is all you need in order to save your relationship is a wonderfully optimistic thought, but not quite accurate.

If simple romance were enough to save a marriage, it would be running wonderfully rampant throughout the world today. Unfortunately, it takes more than simple romance.

If you truly feel love for your spouse and you are expressing it through romance, then it will save your marriage. If you are trying to use romance to buy some time or to placate your spouse, then you are only buying time or placating your spouse.

Your time as a married couple is most likely limited and should be attended to immediately by a professional.

About The Author: How to Easily Transform a Miserable, Lifeless Marriage Relationship into One Filled With Love, Happiness, and Excitement - Just Visit:
marriage-problems.
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"What you put on your skin is absorbed into your bloodstream."

What can you do to enhance your marriage and your life? Look better and feel better with emotional intelligence and ARBONNE products. They have pure, natural ingredients. Nutraceuticals, cosmetics, anti-aging skincare, sunscreen, baby products (NO mineral oil), weight loss (NO ephedra)and more. Learn more about EQ here.

October is Emotional Intelligence Awareness Month

2010-10-24T09:24:00.000-07:00

Emotional Intelligence is my field and so this has been a special month for Susan Dunn, Emotional Intelligence Coach. Eq is often what makes or breaks your career and relationships, and your general sense of well-being about life. What's most important to know is that EQ is not set at any given point in life. It can always be learned and improved.

So I invite you to get started now during Emotional Intelligence Awareness Month. Call me for coaching at 817-734-1471. I have offices in Manassas, VA and Chevy Chse, MD. In addition to individual coaching (in-person or by telecommunication), I offer intensive seminars in the DC area and Dallas, TX area. You can email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for more information.

I also train and certify Emotional Intelligence Coaches, and if there's now a month for its awareness, you know how important emotional intelligence has become.

Art, Poetry, Music, Emotional Intelligence and The Good Life

2010-10-19T19:42:00.001-07:00

Refuse to Live Your Life Without Art, Poetry and Music
Q: Why should an Internet course in Emotional Intelligence include art, poetry and music? A: Because EQ involves understanding and being able to express your emotions, and art, poetry and music are the most suitable vehicles for this.

Art expresses emotions without words, and poetry, is, as someone said, "feelings through a crack pipe." While I haven't experienced anything through a crack pipe, I get the analogy, which is what poems, with their metaphors and analogies, are all about. It could also be said that good poetry 'disturbs.'

Music also goes where words can't. "Music is," said Ludwig van Beethoven, the dominant figure between the Classical and Romantic eras, who composed his Ninth Symphony when totally deaf, 'the mediator between the spiritual and the sensual life.'

"Music should strike fire from the heart of man, and bring tears from the eyes of woman,' he said. To me, it has done both. I have turned to Beethoven's 'Eroica' for inspiration in hard times, and put on a John Philip Sousa march when I didn't want to do housework.

Yet it was Beethoven who also said, 'A great poet is the most precious jewel of a nation.'

Poetry is unusual in that it's "measured"; it has a rhythm and a form. This somehow both contains the intense emotion, and also expresses it. It's one of those paradoxical things.

We often turn to poetry at major transitions in our life ' when we fall in love, or out of love, or lose our love. Poetry seems the best vehicle, with it's eloquence, it's containment, it's ability to distill. The way the death of your child or the face of your beloved make you feel is beyond words, and so, in a paradoxical way, is poetry.

When my son died some years ago, at the age of 21,I started writing poetry, as I have at every turning point in my life. The words of Alfred Lord Tennyson reverberated in my mind:

But for the unquiet heart and brain A use in measured language lies; The sad mechanic exercise, Like dull narcoties numbing pain.

Tennyson's poem, 'In Memoriam,' ends with the famous lines: 'T is better to have loved and lost, Than never to have loved at all,' which is what every parent struggling with the loss of a child must eventually reconcile.

Art, music and poetry are some of the ways we feel, learn about feeling, and express feelings. Indulge!

About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA Clinical Psychology, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc, author of The EQ Foundation Course© on the Internet. EQ coaching to enhance all areas of your life - relatinoships, career, resiliency, leadership, positive psychology, optimism, balance. The Samuel Chester Dunn II EQ Memorial Foundation brings art, poetry and music to children who otherwise would not experience them. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free EQ ezines.

Author: Susan Dunn, MA Clinical Psychology

The Dress Code: Handled with Emotional Intelligence

2010-10-09T19:08:00.000-07:00

The Dress Code - more important now than ever, with the economy in the tank and jobs hard to come by -- and to keep. You can't afford to blow this one.

It strikes terror in the heart of some of us, while others ignore it completely. Some of us are relieved there is one; others of us resent it. The Dress Code: Does it affect your career, affect whether you're hired or not, affect how you're treated on the job? Definitely.

How do you 'manage' this particular area of your life? It requires emotional intelligence ' some awareness, creativity, flexibility and intuition, and a whole lot of common sense.

For instance, in former years I applied for a job at a major international law firm. At the interview, we were handed one sheet of instructions. The second item they chose to put on this piece of paper was, 'Since you have chosen to work in a conservative work environment...'

It went on to outline their strict dress code. Two of us were hired. The other one later complained to me about the dress code there. I maintain - she knew when she signed up, she agreed to it, she had no leg to stand on. If you like to work out certain, um, conflicts in your life via the dress code, that's your choice. Otherwise, here are some tips.

THE POLICY

Believe what you read. Part of EQ is reality-testing. If you're a free spirit who likes to express herself through wardrobe and accessories, don't work for a conservative law firm. Being provocative is not emotionally intelligent.

THE REALITY

There's the P&P manual, and then there's what really goes on. They don't always coincide. Once you're hired and working, EQ would suggest that you observe those around you and fit in. 'When in Rome, do as the Romans do.'

THE BASICS

·Start with neat and clean. No rumples, stains, frayed edges, hanging hemlines. Your clothes should look and smell clean and tidy. ·Make sure your clothes fit. ·Go easy on trends. A zebra-striped accent is okay. A total zebra look 'save it for a social occasion. ·Watch 'heaviness'. Don't load yourself down with big jewelry or weighty fabrics. ·Watch what you do around your face. You should 'set your face off,' not outshine it. ·Aim for a smooth look ' no underwear lines, for instance. ·Get the classics. The Little Black Dress really can get you everywhere ' wear the right 'tone' of jewelry depending on your skin tone ' pearls, gold, silver, it makes all the difference. Experiment. Black slacks and a white blouse (ivory, if you look sick in white, like I do) can take you anywhere. ·De-clutter. Less is more. ·Look at yourself in the mirror and see what you see. If you're applying for work at a business or corporation, err on the side of conservatism. If you work in an artistic field, you will, of course, have latitude. You likewise have some latitude if you're really good in a highly competitive filed. Though I might not go so far as my young friend and computer genius with the 4.0, who told me, 'I could show up for an interview with a bone in my nose and they'd hired me.'

CASUAL DAY

Often a nightmare for managers. Have you seen that memo circulating the Internet that starts out 'Starting May 1 we will have Casual Day on Fridays', proceeds through 'dashikis, turbans, bikinis, and gold lame jumpsuits are not...' and ends with 'Casual Day has been canceled.'

Some companies use phrases like 'client dress code' and 'meeting dress code' to help the good-taste-challenged. If they don't, use your common sense, quintessential EQ. If there's a big meeting, or clients coming to the office, dress accordingly.

WHAT'S IN & WHAT'S OUT

The other day a friend of mine (we live in TX) was heading for the D. C. area and asked for my advice re: wardrobe. I told her no florals, no bright colors...' She interrupted with 'How do YOU know?' Well, because I get around. I look around. I care.

My family moved every 2-3 years when I was growing up and in the summers I went to my grandmother's in a rural Texas town. I got tired of being made fun, so I learned to learn quick. 'Being made fun of' in the adult world can mean missing promotions, or being fired.

SO HOW TO FIND OUT MORE? ·People-watch. When you see someone well put-together, who looks really good, analyze why. Color? Fabric? Accessories or lack of them? ·People-ask. I can't think of anything more flattering than to be asked how I manage to look so good. Ask and you can learn theory. One thing you'll likely pick up, a la EQ, is that the person delights in dressing as they do. They're having fun. They're creative. Then remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.' ·Read magazines. Find some middle-of-the road magazine, something down-to-earth. Try 'Marie Claire.' It's a bit pricey but you can apply what you learn in a resale shop. FOR INSTANCE: They have 'The Best Jeans to Flatter Your Shape.' 'Great-fitting jeans are the ultimate wardrobe essential'and the hardest to find,' they say. I agree. The editors' pick for all figures happens to be $138, but I'd pay that just to see if they actually flattered me: http://magazines.ivillage.com/marieclaire . ·Watch tv shows with fashion in mind. Anchor people are good, too. ·Use the Internet. ·Watch who compliments you. One time I had on something I will not describe to you, and a teenaged boy with purple spikey hair and 5 earrings brushed past me in the store and said, 'Like, dude, cool outfit.' It went in the trash. What was I thinking? ·Work with a coach.

Like everything else, dressing appropriately and attractively can be learned, and it can make a difference in your life. The greatest accessory you can have is self-assurance. If you do your homework, you'll know you look right, and then you'll feel right. Personal Power!

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About the author: ©Susan Dunn, M.A., Clinical Psychology, The EQ Coach. Executive and individual coaching, EQ-culture programs for organizations, Internet courses on emotional intelligence. http://www.susandunn.cc , and mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine, 'EQ in the Workplace.' Please put 'EQ' for subject line. Increase your EQ and everyone benefits.

Old Farmer Aphorisms

2010-10-08T20:21:00.000-07:00

Love these old farmer aphorisms and hope you do too. They have a lot of emotional intelligence to them
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“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled.”

“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles.”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.”

“Don 't judge folks by their relatives.

“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”

“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.”

“Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.”

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

“The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”

“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”

“Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”

“Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.”

Need to interview people over 50 who are dating

2010-09-20T13:22:00.001-07:00

We are preparing to write the most extensively researched book on Dating After 50 yet. This is a very complicated issue - dating after 50 - and we intend to interview 100s more people about what works and what doesn't, what they mean when they say "blah blah", how to tell who just wants sex v. who wants marriage v. some sort of relationship but no committment. We all wish people would wear labels!

We've already intereviewed 100s of men and women, but we will continue gathering data until time off publication. This is not a fabricated book about what we think, or wish, or imagine it's like. We are gathering HARD DATA so you can finally get some information about what really workss -- and what doesn't.

We will show you exactly how to interpret it when a man says, "LTR not necessary" or "my wife used to beat me," or "Let's start as friends and see what develops."

Email me NOW is you are willing to be interviewed, anonymously or otherwise - sdunn@susandunn.cc .

2010-09-17T17:25:00.000-07:00

University of Haifa studies shows how valuable employees with high emotonal intelligence are to their employees - and predicts even moreso in the future

What took so long -- highly touted news release from Haifa, Israel, that emotional intelligence is highly valued in employees.

I got into this field 10 years ago because I knew I was on the upside of the curve for the greatest discovery in a long time. You see, emotional intelligence can be taught, it can be learned. I've coached people all over the world in emotional intelligence, and have trained and certified coaches to do the same, all over the world.

CALL ME NOW FOR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE COACHING - 817-734-1471

Excerpts from the article. Read the full article HERE.

Emotional intelligence refers to a person's ability to "read," understand and deal with emotions -- his or her own and those of others.

Study indicates employees with a high level of emotional intelligence were more satisfied with their jobs and were more committed to their organizations.

They also had fewer undesirable work attitudes -- such as burnout, intention to leave and negligent behavior.

"This study has shown that employees with a higher level of emotional intelligence are assets to their organization"

"I believe it will not be long before emotional intelligence is incorporated in employee screening and training processes and in employee assessment and promotion decisions."

Susan Dunn, Emotional Intelligence Coach since 2000
sdunn@susandunn.cc

What to do if your boss asks you to do something illegal or unethical

2010-09-14T20:31:00.001-07:00

Soon to be published in the National Notary Association

WHAT TO DO IF YOUR BOSS ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING ILLEGAL OR UNETHICAL

And nowhere is it more important to have the self-awareness that is cornerstone of emotional intelligence. KInow your values. Know who you are.

You're the new secretary and your boss asks you to become a Notary Public. He then walks back into his office and you can hear him on the phone talking about a contract he wants out of, and the fact that he's going to falsify a date and signature -- "No problem, my secretary will do it."

It happened to me, has it happened to you? Here are some steps you can take.

1.Think beforehand about what you would do if this happened so you can think rationally when and if it should occur.

Emotions will come into play when and if it does that may confuse the issue for you. Intimidation, fear of losing your job, confusion about just what is ethical and what isn't, fear of authority, anger if you refuse to do it, trying to rationalize to justify your boss as a good person, wishing to avoid conflict.

2.Understand that just following orders won't necessarily protect you from criminal charges.

3.Don't comply.

Say "I won't do this."

4.Make documentation in writing about the chain of events for self-protection.

5.Consider reporting it to your HR department.

6.Consider reporting it to your legal department.

7.Use the ethical hotline.

Some forward-thinking organizations have an ethical hotline. The person in charge of this department has an old-fashioned telephone with no answering machine or caller ID. Ethical concern phone calls are accepted anonymously and handled in appropriate ways. Employess are encouraged to report unethical incidents. (At one time, USAA in San Antonio had this. I do not know if they still do.)

8.Use Intentionality.

Intentionality is one of the highest-level emotional intelligence competencies, because it requires that you accept responsiblity for both your actions and your motives. At this level you aren't allowed to say "I didn't mean to..." It requires that you manage difficult emotions and continue to think clearly. Be clear about your own stand. Do you do unethical or illegal things? This is a "yes" or "no" question.

By the same token, not knowing the law is not a justifiable defense.

9.Consider contacting a governmental agency like the Department of Labor or the SEC.

10.Consider hiring a lawyer.

11.Talk over what happened with someone knowledgeable - a coach, friend, or spouse. Get some perspective.

12.Get your resume ready just in case.

It's emotionally intelligent to plan ahead and protect yourself.

© copyright, Susan Dunn, 2002

10 Ways for Uniting Workers in the New Diverse Workplace

2010-09-14T20:17:00.000-07:00

Never has it been more important in your organization to have a common language, and never has it been more elusive.

Today's office typically contains individuals from many different cultures, not just within the US, but from all over the world. People with different customs, beliefs, ways of thinking and different first-languages come together to work together, and the result can be confusion and misunderstanding.

'We need a common language,' a manager from a state education agency told me the other day on the phone. She was inquiring about an Emotional Intelligence program, correctly thinking it might be the 'new common language' for their agency. The old one, she said, something about 'Steps' had worn itself out. It is not easy understanding people from different cultures. It's not easy understand even on person! In the case of different cultures, we bring with us assumptions, stereotypes and generalizations which can get in the way of commonality.

Most of the time the technical vocabulary is understood, but other parts of communication are missed. Up to 90% of any communication is nonverbal, and gestures, postures, and expressions vary widely from one culture to another, as does intonation and phrasing.

It's easy to misunderstand another cultures expression of respect or warmth. When you meet someone new, the other person may be expecting a slight nod of the head, a quick handshake, a bow or a hug with a kiss on both cheeks. How are you to know?

I was working with a manager the other day who had a problem within the ranks. One of the employees was harassing some women, not all of them, or so the women were reporting, and it wasn't clear what was going on. When the manager called the employee in and got to the root of the problem, it turned out he assumed that women in marketing would not 'mind,' while the women in the other fields would. Where he got that idea wasn't clear, but people have their ideas.

We could substitute '

·Men don't mind ·Asian Americans don't mind ·Short people don't mind ·Presbyterians don't mind ·People who haven't finished college don't mind ·Southerners don't mind ·Rich people don't mind ·Irish people don't mind ·Hearing-impaired people don't mind

Generalities like this simply don't work.

In 'Beyond Race and Gender,' author R. Roosevelt Thomas defines managing diversity as 'a comprehensive managerial process for developing an environment that works for all employees.'

And 'all' employees are individuals, so there you have it.

There remains the need for a common language, and given the extreme diversity these days, Emotional Intelligence is an excellent tool. I have trained coaches from all over the world in EQ, and the concepts are understood by all. In fact there's interest in EQ all over the world.

Emotional Intelligence competencies include flexibility, intuition (good for reading nonverbal communication), resilience, interpersonal skills, communication and empathy. They are based on understanding one's own emotions and those of others, and managing your own and those of others for the best outcome. People from all cultures have the same emotions and want to be treated with respect. Emotional Intelligence can bring the common language and culture that is missing.

About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . I coach individuals in emotional intelligence, and offer EQ programs and cultures for businesses. Internet courses and ebooks available ( http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html ) for a total program of personal and professional development. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine.

New Year's Resolutions

2010-09-13T21:11:00.000-07:00

Thinking about thinking about your New Year's resolutions? It's always in the back of our minds as we wend our way through the holiday merriment and another year comes to a close. If you're thinking, '@^&#*, the same thing will be No. 1 as was No. 1 last year!' why not try something different?rriment. Another year coming to an end.

New Year ' new start, but did you know that most people have already failed with their list by January 15th. If you don't want this to happen to you (again), consider getting the 'thing' that can make those resolutions works: a coach. It can be the prime ingredient for your success.

Coaching developed to meet a need that wasn't being met. We've all wished at one time or another we had a coach, like the pro athletes do; someone to help us be all we could be. Someone to shine some light on those corners, and remove the obstacles we seem to keep throwing in our paths without knowing why.

Coaches can help you get mindful!

Coaching is not for getting 'fixed.' It isn't to be confused with therapy. Some people enjoy the benefits of both therapy and coaching, which demonstrates the two are not the same thing. Coaching supplies something therapy cannot, and vice versa. In coaching, we focus on strengths, positive psychology, emotional intelligence, and forward movement. It's rapid and effective.

'Oh,' you may be thinking, 'So it's like having a friend.' No! Coaching is work and takes a trained professional. Done properly it takes more time, energy, focus and expertise than even the most well-meaning friend is likely to have. Friends ·Have their own agenda and issues ·Aren't objective ·Aren't trained or experienced ·Have a unidimensional relationship with you ' you know before you go what they're going to tell you to do. There are no surprises. ·Will give you answers

A coach, on the other hand is: ·Trained and experienced ·Objective ·Focused on you, not themselves ·Will come up with some real surprises for you if they're any good at what they do! After all, if what you've been doing were working, you wouldn't be where you are right now, right? ·Will give you questions

The New Year is a perfect time to start coaching. A coach can help you make a realistic list of resolutions and then coach you to complete each item on your list. Wouldn't you like to be feeling different at this time next year. Perhaps you caould even say, 'For the first time in my life XXX is not on my list of resolutions!'

How to find your coach? Look on a search engine, of go to one of these referral sites: Premier Coach Referral Service, http://www.webstrategies.cc/coachreferralservice.htm , Coach Federation, http://www.coachfederation.org , or CoachVille.com , http://www.coachville.com . Then call a couple of coaches for sample sessions. You have nothing to lose but that No. 1 thing on your list of resolutions.

HAPPY HUNTING AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA, cEQc, The EQ Coach', http://www.susandunn.cc . Author of 'How to Live Your Life with Emotional Intelligence,' ( http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html ) and The EQ Foundation Course©, 12 modules on the Internet, http://www.webstrategies.cc/EQcourse.htm . BRINGING THE POWER OF EQ TO YOU through coaching and DL. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE eZine.
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