Susan Dunn's Favorite Communication Operating Principles

Favorite Communication Operating Principles
by Susan Dunn

Virginia Sapir, a psychologist and pioneer in family counseling, wrote: "Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships he makes with others and what happens to him in the world about him."

With this in mind, I present some my favorite Communication Operating Principals.

1. "In order to understand what another person is saying you must assume it is true and try to imagine what it could be true of."
~ George Miller ~

2. "The first law of communication is: Assume you have been misunderstood."
~ Source Unknown ~

3. "Men can take up to 7 hours longer [than women] to process complex emotive data. [They] will not know what they feel at the moment of feeling and will take longer to figure it out. [They] may not be able to put their feelings in words - if they choose a verbal strategy at all."
~Michael Gurian, author of "What Could He Be Thinking" ~

4. "Verbal confrontation is as natural to men as walking or breathing, and as unconscious."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin, author of "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" ~

5. "There is a libraryful of research to indicate that logic is almost useless as a way of convincing people of anything."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

6. "Never use Hedges ('I know you'd never let me, but . '). They are exactly equivalent to wearing a big sign that say 'Please kick me - I would love to be a victim.'"
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

7. "If a man truly wants to communicate with his wife, he must enter her world of emotions."
~ Gary Smalley ~

8. "For parlor use, the vague generality is a life saver."
~ George Ade ~

9. "The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said."
~ Peter Drucker ~

10. "Sympathetic people often don't communicate well. They * back reflected images which hide their own depths."
~ George Eliot ~

11. "If you can always be taken by surprise because you have no idea what verbal aggression is or how to spot it, you are an ideal target."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

12. "The genius of communication is the ability to be both totally honest and totally kind at the same time."
~ John Powell ~

Whether we're communicating at work, socially, or in an intimate relationship, and whether we're communicating thoughts or feelings, it's a strategy, a choice we make in an effort to accomplish something. And, it's good to remember - if you're there, you're communicating SOMETHING, whether you mean to or not.

Interpersonal skills are part of emotional intelligence and can be learned. Become aware of your communication style and work to improve it.

The UNempowered Parent

Parenting coaching is often about empowering adults, empowering parents to get back in charge, and that's a sad fact.

The article about Astro Boy includes -- "another story about a boy who knows more than the adults around him." And we wonder why the problems with this generation!

I do volunteer work with at-risk teens, and beyond the obvious things you would imagine, I find their parents are often "clueless." More than that, sometimes "helpless and hopeless." Somehow they've lost control and it's gotten out-of-hand. For instance, instead of preventing fights between siblings, or stopping them, they call the cops. Teens -- since the beginning of time -- THINK they do know more than adults, but never until this time-period have we had children's literature that supports this ridiculous notion.

If a kid can't count on the adults in his/her life to guide him/her, then they are truly in never-never land. And usually very anxious. That's waaaaay too much power for a teen.

Brain science tells us that the neocortex, the part of the brain that allows us to THINK -- to problem-solve, to consider consequences, to delay impulses and gratification, to anticipate worst-case scenarios, to plan ahead, to be accountable -- is not fully developed in human beings until early adulthood - in the 20s.

Or put another way -- that part of the brain that keeps us lying awake at night worrying isn't there for teens. (Alert the press!) That's why it's called "the bullet-proof age."

I ask every young teen boy the old thing about 'If Mike Tyson made you that mad would you hit him?' and they jump right on it -- "Yes, for sure I'd hit him." And they go on and on about how they've been insulted, or their Mother's been insulted, and disrespect and all that.

Let's face it - all teens are defiant, rebellious, and oppositional. It's part of growing up. It's important that you maintain your position of authority and guidance so you can be there for your child at this critical juncture.

Do you monitor what your kid reads? What movies they see? That's part of it.

If you need Parenting Coaching, contact me - sdunn@susandunn.cc. It's one of the many types of coaching I do.

Check out the great new website by astrologer Nancy Fenn about zodiac trait sign compatibility. It's about zodiac-traits compatiblity - what sign works best for you and how the relationship will go. It's getting raves: www.zodiac-traits.com.

Who Are You?

"Tension is who you think you should be.

Relaxation is who you are."

- Chinese Proverb

Susan Dunn, M.A.
Life Coach
Dating Coach - http://datingcoachblog.blogspot.com

eMail me at sdunn@susandunn.cc or call me at 817-741-7223 for personal coaching in all areas.