The Best Christmas Gift You Can Give Yourself: Simplicity

I had to laugh when I read that quote recently. I particularly remember a time in my merry life when I had two sons, 3 dogs, my clothes filled two
closets in my home, I owned Madeleine pans, exotic juicers, a regular and a gourmet coffeemaker, 3 sets of flatware, 10 tableclothes, 10 sets of placemats for 6 or 8, and formal china tablesettings for 12 … and most "cluttering" of all, a social calendar that was unmanageable.

Life is a series of stages, and there is the "acquiring" stage.

However, there came a point where I felt overwhelmed by my "blessings" and took a look at what was going on. At the time, my boyfriend, who was a stock broker, kept saying, "Simplify, simplify." He lived what I considered a "Sparten existence."

It caused me to take a look at the whole picture. I was exhausted all the time. I went to a therapist; too bad there weren't coaches then. She said I was "trying to do too much." I interpreted it that I wasn't capable of handling all these things, and redoubled my efforts.

Coaches make things more clear. "Why are you doing what doesn't bring you pleasure?" would've been the question to ask. Eventually I asked myself that question and here are some of the things I did.

THE CLOTHES
I was still operating from an old childhood scarcity-mentality. I never had "enough" clothes in high school, not because my parents couldn't afford it, just that they didn't want to spend their money on that. I started babysitting rigorously to buy myself clothes and makeup and stuff. Not a bad thing to do, but I realized that
time was over. I gave a number of things to Goodwill, set aside a space-allotment, and stuck to it.

I did have to "dress" for my profession at the time (PR), so I chose two outfits I could accessorize in infinite ways. Scarves, jewelry and pins take far less storage space!

THE DOGS
Two were strays we had "adopted," under pressure from my good-hearted son. However, they were difficult dogs, not having been well-raised, and took far more work than our original family pet. I decided to give up this rescuing mentality and at the same time educate my children. We found good homes for two of them, and the family pact was "no more." We stuck with our one chosen, well-cared for, and well-trained dog.

THE ENTERTAINING WARE
That's a hard one. It's been an abiding interest and love in my life, to entertain with all the accoutrements. I decided that was an okay hobby, but to stick with what I had for a long time. How many sets of Christmas tablemats does one really
need?

THE COOKWARE
Life is choices. I could eliminate a lot of these things by turning to fast food, eating out, less elaborate meals. I decided this was not something
to sacrifice. There are health benefits to wok cooking, steamers, double boilers, etc., and "happy" benefits to beautiful Bundt cakes. My youngest son particularly enjoyed the camaraderie of a fondue meal. Our family dinners were fun for all of us, and a good thing, and I didn't want to sacrifice that for "convenience."

Not everything in the enriched life should be "efficient."

THE FINANCIAL PICTURE
My stocks were scattered all over the place, and we consolidated. It seemed risky to me to "put all my eggs in one basket," but we did, and it resulted in a nice financial gain.

THE ORGANIZATION
I decided it wasn't all that I had that was the problem - many of them were valuable to me and my lifestyle - it was the organization of it all.

One thing I did was buy containers, for instance, "fall decorations" and got everything in one place. I added to the box my apparel for that time of year - autumn sweaters, accessories, and jewelry. I labeled them clearly, stacked them in one place, and felt better about it all.

I tackled the gift-producing area. I had a bow maker, rolls of paper, ribbons, ready for every occasion. It was a time when the boys would be invited to a birthday party quite suddenly, and it kept me from "running out" at the last minute to buy the wrapping. This I decided to eliminate.
The storage space required and the clutter were not worth it, and it seemed I never had the right thing anyway. I bought 10 generic gift bags with white tissue, appropriate for any age or occasion.

Also, seeing myself "burdened" by the gifts coming my way - that teddy bear statuette just wasn't "me" even if it was expensive crystal - I switched
to what I call "disposable" gifts. Sending someone a floral arrangement, or a basket of fruit, or a Honey-baked ham would note the occasion, but it would "go away" and they wouldn't
have to find a place for it.

I have never been comfortable giving money, but gift certificates seemed possible. It showed at least a little "thought" and "effort," the two things I find missing in gifts of money. (Not that I've ever refused one!)

For those with no material needs whatsoever, I would donate money to a charity close to their heart. That is greatly appreciated by most people. Charities list in their newsletter the
gifts made in honor of, or in memory of, others, and that's a nice touch.

Re: the people in my life, I took a look at the investment-return ratio. Some of them, I had to admit, were a drain. With me being in a helping profession, some were "using" me for free counseling, while making no improvements in their lives, and that didn't give me the friendship I needed, or provide for them the counseling or
coaching they needed.

I made a list of the people who really meant something to me, with whom I had strong mutual bonds, and I whittled away at the ones who didn't contribute anything to my life. We call this in coaching, "getting rid of tolerations." Yes, people can be "tolerations" and I think this is one of the more important "ah hahs" Thomas Leonard, the founder of coaching, gave to the world.

I eliminated immediately the ones who were a negative drain on me, and took a closer look at ones wanting entry. I quietly discouraged some "friendships" from ever occurring in the first place. Life is choices.

I believe that our lives are greatly influenced by the 5 people we spend the most time with. I made sure the Top 5 were the ones I wanted and needed them to be.

META-THEORY
I decided to slow myself down at the checkout counter. I disciplined myself for 6 months. I would not make any impulse buys. I would go home and consider it. Usually it wasn't worth the effort to go back.

I would not go shopping to "window shop." There's no such thing! There's always something attracts my eye I think I "must have."

Shopping would be a necessity for essentials, not Saturday afternoon entertainment for me and the kids.

I put more thought into the things I gave others so as to slow the flow into their lives as well.

READY FOR THE NEW YEAR
As you participate in, or observe, the shopping frenzy of the holiday season. Ask yourself, "Why am I doing this?"

Good reasons are:
·It's meaningful
·I enjoy it
·I know it's something I can afford and know it's
something they need or would like

Bad reasons are:
·I don't know why
·To keep up with the Joneses
·Because I always have
·Because you're supposed to

Oserve closely your own behavior. That's the beginning of making positive changes.

It's the emotionally intelligent thing to do!

All I Want for Christmas is My Son Back

The holidays are upon us … and how they churn up our emotions. The expectations … the memories … the empty chairs …
Somewhere there's the Norman Rockwell family celebrating, but it was never at my house. Was it at yours?

A client and I have in common the loss of beautiful young men on the cusp of adulthood -- my youngest son, who died at 21, 3 years ago; her younger brother, who died at 17, much longer ago than that, and yet it was only yesterday. I share with her my poem saying it is the hardest time to lose a child … "and the world never knew him at all," it ends -- and she says she knows what I mean.

My mother used to tell me when I was young and tragedy occurred to others, never to speak of "luck" or "dessert," but to say, "There but for the grace of God, go I," and my first Thanksgiving after my son's death, I hoped the church-goers would pray for someone who had lacked the grace of God.

My client says she is going to have everyone share their gratitude this year and she knows it will be emotional. "There are too many empty chairs," she says. She lost her older brother as well, and her father.

She says my grief is still "raw," and she's right, but hers is too, around Christmas. We agree that all emotions will be welcome at the holiday table. We're working on emotional intelligence together. I'm The EQ Coach.

I tell her that my family is still in the early recovery stages - there are conversations my older son and I haven't had yet about the death of his younger brother. She says she knows what I mean. We talk about the importance of ‘saying their name' - the names of the ones who are dead. I tell her that my grand-daughter speaks Chester's name all the time She asks me at the dinner table if Chettie liked yogurt when he was 5. She catches me on the patio at night and tells me that Chettie Chettie Bang Bang is dancing with the stars.

"I want you to die when you are very, very old, Nana," she says to me.

"Yes," I say, with tears in my eyes. "That's the way it's supposed to be."

"Your grand-daughter knows," says my client. We share a silent moment of Empathy.

Some years ago I worked for a church. I ‘worked' the Christmas Eve service. Other services were filled with loudness, but the Christmas Eve service is silent. My job was to meet and greet, to ‘be a presence,' but the holy silence at the Christmas Eve service was so palpable, so pregnant with meaning, mostly I just stood there. No one was looking for ‘a presence.' Every person seemed to have a person sitting on either side of them in memory only. Especially the old women.

Some of them would hug me with tears in their eyes and say a name … "Paul," a dead husband … or "Missy", a lost child … Ghosts from Christmasses past.

Those of us who worked the church service held one another together. Meanwhile the children ran around screaming, high on sugar and excitement, dressed in their party clothes, the sound of their laughter and their bright and noisy dress shoes echoing down the halls.

Do you have memories of Christmas like I do?

Kids throwing up, the first one in the new home, the canceled flights, the gift that pleased or didn't, the first Christmas as "the mother-in-law," the last one with a loved one, the first one with the new baby, someone drunk, someone newly married, someone away from home for the first time, the first Christmas after my divorce, the time the table caught fire, the time everyone got along, the time everyone fought, the snow, the heat wave, the beautiful red satin skirt, the peace, the chaos, the curdled crème Anglais, my dad peeling a tangerine, the kiss under the mistletoe, the Hallelujah chorus …

I remember the time our kids were with their fathers, hers for the first time, and I found my friend crying in the church restroom and took her out for dinner, saying, "Come on. I'll show you how to do this."

The time I listened to a psychologist friend of mine talk of his exhaustion from "all the people who need to be heard this time of year".

The worst Christmas Eve? There wasn't one. They were all good in their own way. The best Christmas Eve? All of them, and this one coming up! One in particular though, a lesson in ‘you never know.' The best adult Christmas Eve - my second and last date with a man named Chris, but it turned out we had exactly the same idea of how Christmas Eve should be and we accomplished it together. Sometimes the butterfly of happiness comes and lights on your shoulder if you don't go after it.

Perhaps your memories are as mixed and full as mine. I have good and bad memories, and none of them like the Norman Rockwell Christmas.

The holidays are particularly difficult for those of us with alcohol problems in the family. The memories - or the reality -- of someone drunk or passed out, the fighting, the fear, the anger, the unpredictability and the denial.

The holidays are particularly hard for those of us far from home.

And the holidays are particularly hard for single people, who must go and "sit at the end of the couch" at other people's houses.

And the holidays are particularly hard for young folks with babies. The kids are always sick, there's too much to do, too little time, maybe too little money.

But the holidays are no less hard for those of us with no family, too little to do, too much time, too much money.

The EQ Coach reminds herself that
·It's our expectations that cause us misery; keep them realistic. Better yet, don't have any.
·If you don't go looking, it could be your year for the Christmas butterfly.
·That exhaustion and stress aren't good this time of year. Take care of yourself!
·All emotions are welcome; our grief is the price we pay for the exquisite joy in the same proportion - that's the deal, that's the way it is. If we won't allow grief, we can't have joy.
·That some people aren't able to be present at Christmas - some are dead, some are locked in the past, and some are off in the future, and that's okay.
·That Optimism is a good option - how we attribute bad things that happen. If the turkey burns - not a small thing if you're the daughter-in-law fixing the meal for the first time -- that it means the thermostat didn't work, not that you can't cook.
·That Flexbility is wise - people get sick, plans change, gifts don't arrive, but the celebration can still occur - there are many ways to skin a cat.
·That Resilience is earned not given, and it's earned by processing hard times and learning from them. GROWING through them, not just GOING through them.
·That nothing's perfect and you'll only exhaust yourself and make yourself and everyone else miserable if that's your goal.
·That we have Personal Power and choices - it's your holiday to spend as you wish. Christmas has a knob - turn it on, turn it up, turn it down, turn it off.
·And that if it's good, it will change, and if it's bad, it will change.

Ask yourself and those around you, "How do you feel about Christmas?" There are lots of people who need to be heard this time of year.

My client tells me she's going to start a new tradition this year. She'll invite everyone over for a Christmas brunch. I tell her I think this is a great idea, and I make a note to send her some of my cardamom bread. It mails well and has the virtue of containing no candied fruit!

I have new traditions, too. I have a little cap for my dog that says "Chimney Watch: Santa Patrol" on it. I'll have it on her when the kids walk in the door, and there will be jingle bells on the door knob and a motion-sensored wreath on the door with eyeballs from K-Mart that says "Ho Ho Ho".

I have an ineffable desire to enjoy myself and my life. I hope you do too!

Chettie would approve.

Single for Thanksgiving

SINGLE FOR THANKSGIVING? Alone for the holidays?

Did you know that more than 47% of US households are headed by unmarried individuals? The American Association for Single People projects this figure will continue to rise in the coming decade. [Latest stats show there is a leveling off, perhaps a decline.] Therefore, if you are single you are not alone. And ' if you have single adults in your social circle, don't assume alone means 'lonely.'

As Thanksgiving approaches and we start making holiday plans, here are some things to keep in mind.

Perception: That it's terrible to be alone for the holidays.
Reality: This is mostly a projection of married people who fear the unknown or could not tolerate being alone before they were married. The reality is that single people who observe what goes on at holiday get-togethers between couples, 50% of whom are destined to be divorced at some point, think there are worse things than being single.

Perception: That single people are desperate to be invited over for Thanksgiving dinner. Reality: Single people have myriad options and no one to consult. I can go on a cruise, stay home in my bathrobe and declare it a non-holiday, do meaningful volunteer work at the homeless shelter, invite friends over, or get a dinner reservation at a hotel. Or I can accept any one of the numerous invitations I get. Contrary to what you might think, we single people are popular at the holidays. Most of us have accomplished social skills and are welcome additions at holiday gatherings

Perception: Single people don't know what to do for holidays.
Reality: We're used to planning our social lives actively, good at generating options, used to making unilateral decisions, and accomplished 'mixers.' We're pros!

Perception: Anyone who's single is fair-game to perform certain social tasks during the holiday celebration.
Reality: We like to be cherished guests, just like everyone else. 'Can you come for Thanksgiving dinner. I need some help with Aunt Edna?' is not an invitation. If your family doesn't get along and you're inviting the single person to 'throw a steer in with the bulls,' that's not nice either. It's your problem; solve it yourself.

Perception: Single people are available to do certain physical tasks.
Reality: This isn't an invitation either: 'Can you come over early and help out in the kitchen. I've got my hands full.' What about her husband? Her sisters? As best-friend, yes; as the only working-guest, absolutely not.

Perception: That the only "happy" way to spend the holidays is if you are a couple or part of a family. Reality: If that were so, half the articles on the Internet this time of year wouldn't be about how to cope with family at the annual holiday get-togethers.

Perception: That single people are miserable during the holidays.
Reality: Yes, it can be difficult if it's their first Thanksgiving after a divorce or after a spouse has died, but the majority of single people are no more miserable than anyone else, and perhaps less so. Since being single (with grown children), I've had the same levels of pleasure, the same good and better holidays, but there's one thing for sure -- I'm more rested, and that in itself goes a long way.

So if you're thinking about including a single person in your family gathering, make sure it's because you want them there, for the wonderful person they are, and their good company, not to fulfill a function or because you think they'd be miserable if it weren't for your invitation.

A guest is a guest, whether they're single or married, and good manners prevail. Emotional Intelligence is about etiquette.

About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional development. Coach training and certification -- long distance. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free ezine.