The Best Christmas Gift You Can Give Yourself: Simplicity

I had to laugh when I read that quote recently. I particularly remember a time in my merry life when I had two sons, 3 dogs, my clothes filled two
closets in my home, I owned Madeleine pans, exotic juicers, a regular and a gourmet coffeemaker, 3 sets of flatware, 10 tableclothes, 10 sets of placemats for 6 or 8, and formal china tablesettings for 12 … and most "cluttering" of all, a social calendar that was unmanageable.

Life is a series of stages, and there is the "acquiring" stage.

However, there came a point where I felt overwhelmed by my "blessings" and took a look at what was going on. At the time, my boyfriend, who was a stock broker, kept saying, "Simplify, simplify." He lived what I considered a "Sparten existence."

It caused me to take a look at the whole picture. I was exhausted all the time. I went to a therapist; too bad there weren't coaches then. She said I was "trying to do too much." I interpreted it that I wasn't capable of handling all these things, and redoubled my efforts.

Coaches make things more clear. "Why are you doing what doesn't bring you pleasure?" would've been the question to ask. Eventually I asked myself that question and here are some of the things I did.

THE CLOTHES
I was still operating from an old childhood scarcity-mentality. I never had "enough" clothes in high school, not because my parents couldn't afford it, just that they didn't want to spend their money on that. I started babysitting rigorously to buy myself clothes and makeup and stuff. Not a bad thing to do, but I realized that
time was over. I gave a number of things to Goodwill, set aside a space-allotment, and stuck to it.

I did have to "dress" for my profession at the time (PR), so I chose two outfits I could accessorize in infinite ways. Scarves, jewelry and pins take far less storage space!

THE DOGS
Two were strays we had "adopted," under pressure from my good-hearted son. However, they were difficult dogs, not having been well-raised, and took far more work than our original family pet. I decided to give up this rescuing mentality and at the same time educate my children. We found good homes for two of them, and the family pact was "no more." We stuck with our one chosen, well-cared for, and well-trained dog.

THE ENTERTAINING WARE
That's a hard one. It's been an abiding interest and love in my life, to entertain with all the accoutrements. I decided that was an okay hobby, but to stick with what I had for a long time. How many sets of Christmas tablemats does one really
need?

THE COOKWARE
Life is choices. I could eliminate a lot of these things by turning to fast food, eating out, less elaborate meals. I decided this was not something
to sacrifice. There are health benefits to wok cooking, steamers, double boilers, etc., and "happy" benefits to beautiful Bundt cakes. My youngest son particularly enjoyed the camaraderie of a fondue meal. Our family dinners were fun for all of us, and a good thing, and I didn't want to sacrifice that for "convenience."

Not everything in the enriched life should be "efficient."

THE FINANCIAL PICTURE
My stocks were scattered all over the place, and we consolidated. It seemed risky to me to "put all my eggs in one basket," but we did, and it resulted in a nice financial gain.

THE ORGANIZATION
I decided it wasn't all that I had that was the problem - many of them were valuable to me and my lifestyle - it was the organization of it all.

One thing I did was buy containers, for instance, "fall decorations" and got everything in one place. I added to the box my apparel for that time of year - autumn sweaters, accessories, and jewelry. I labeled them clearly, stacked them in one place, and felt better about it all.

I tackled the gift-producing area. I had a bow maker, rolls of paper, ribbons, ready for every occasion. It was a time when the boys would be invited to a birthday party quite suddenly, and it kept me from "running out" at the last minute to buy the wrapping. This I decided to eliminate.
The storage space required and the clutter were not worth it, and it seemed I never had the right thing anyway. I bought 10 generic gift bags with white tissue, appropriate for any age or occasion.

Also, seeing myself "burdened" by the gifts coming my way - that teddy bear statuette just wasn't "me" even if it was expensive crystal - I switched
to what I call "disposable" gifts. Sending someone a floral arrangement, or a basket of fruit, or a Honey-baked ham would note the occasion, but it would "go away" and they wouldn't
have to find a place for it.

I have never been comfortable giving money, but gift certificates seemed possible. It showed at least a little "thought" and "effort," the two things I find missing in gifts of money. (Not that I've ever refused one!)

For those with no material needs whatsoever, I would donate money to a charity close to their heart. That is greatly appreciated by most people. Charities list in their newsletter the
gifts made in honor of, or in memory of, others, and that's a nice touch.

Re: the people in my life, I took a look at the investment-return ratio. Some of them, I had to admit, were a drain. With me being in a helping profession, some were "using" me for free counseling, while making no improvements in their lives, and that didn't give me the friendship I needed, or provide for them the counseling or
coaching they needed.

I made a list of the people who really meant something to me, with whom I had strong mutual bonds, and I whittled away at the ones who didn't contribute anything to my life. We call this in coaching, "getting rid of tolerations." Yes, people can be "tolerations" and I think this is one of the more important "ah hahs" Thomas Leonard, the founder of coaching, gave to the world.

I eliminated immediately the ones who were a negative drain on me, and took a closer look at ones wanting entry. I quietly discouraged some "friendships" from ever occurring in the first place. Life is choices.

I believe that our lives are greatly influenced by the 5 people we spend the most time with. I made sure the Top 5 were the ones I wanted and needed them to be.

META-THEORY
I decided to slow myself down at the checkout counter. I disciplined myself for 6 months. I would not make any impulse buys. I would go home and consider it. Usually it wasn't worth the effort to go back.

I would not go shopping to "window shop." There's no such thing! There's always something attracts my eye I think I "must have."

Shopping would be a necessity for essentials, not Saturday afternoon entertainment for me and the kids.

I put more thought into the things I gave others so as to slow the flow into their lives as well.

READY FOR THE NEW YEAR
As you participate in, or observe, the shopping frenzy of the holiday season. Ask yourself, "Why am I doing this?"

Good reasons are:
·It's meaningful
·I enjoy it
·I know it's something I can afford and know it's
something they need or would like

Bad reasons are:
·I don't know why
·To keep up with the Joneses
·Because I always have
·Because you're supposed to

Oserve closely your own behavior. That's the beginning of making positive changes.

It's the emotionally intelligent thing to do!

The Straw that Broke the Camel's Back

It's "that time of year." When we're all so overloaded, just one small thing can be "the straw that broke the camel's back."

Every culture has a proverb related to the straw that broke the camel's back. Why? Because it's oh-so-true.

Lighten your load if you see this point coming.

And don't allow some small thing to be "the straw that broke the camel's back."

The straw that broke the camel's back is an Arab proverb. Camels were so much a part of their culture. They keep loading things on the camel, and then they put one more straw on there, and it breaks the camel's back.

From wikipedia:

One of the earliest published usages of this phrase was in Charles Dickens's Dombey and Son where he says "As the last straw breaks the laden camel's back", meaning that there is a limit to everyone's endurance, or everyone has his breaking point.

Here are the proverbs from other countries:
Arabic Original : القشه التى قصمت ظهر البعير Danish equivalent: Dråben, der fik bægeret til at flyde over, meaning the drop that made the glass overflow.
French equivalent: la goutte d'eau qui fait déborder le vase, meaning the drop of water that makes the vase overflow.
German equivalent: Der Tropfen, der das Fass zum Überlaufen bringt, meaning the drop that makes the barrel overflow.
Dutch equivalent: De druppel die de emmer doet overlopen, meaning the drop that makes the bucket overflow.
Spanish equivalent: La gota que colmó/derramó el vaso, meaning the drop that spills over the glass.
Greek equivalent: Η σταγόνα που ξεχύλισε το ποτήρι, meaning the drop that made the glass overflow. Italian equivalent: La goccia che fa traboccare il vaso, meaning the drop of water that makes the jar overflow.
Romanian equivalent: Picătura care a umplut paharul, meaning the drop that filled the glass. Swedish equivalent: Droppen som fick bägaren att rinna över, meaning the drop that made the bucket overflow.
Turkish equivalent: Bardağı taşıran son damla, meaning the drop of water that makes the glass overflow.
Hebrew equivalent: הקש ששבר את גב הגמל, meaning the straw that broke the camel's back. Norwegian equivalent: "Liten tue velter stort lass", roughly translates to "small bump makes coach tip over"

A US version is "I'm on my last nerve" or "you're getting on my last nerve." It's a warning that the person is overloaded.

Please don't let yourself get overloaded. Take the breaks you need, lighten your load, talk to someone, get away from it all.

Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for a free mini-coaching session.

EQ Advice for the Week of December 16

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME???!!!

We have an economic crisis. We have a new president - an unknown. We have the holidays.

Peace and harmony? Not likely.

There is stress from many areas - the budget, family, more to do, and the parties mean we eat and drink wrong. Some people have been hit in virtually every area of their life.

Stress affects our emotional set-point. Many people are on their last nerve. Stressed out and trying to cope.

So ... CUIDADO - Be Careful

It's easy for misunderstandings to happen right now, and even easier to say the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time.

Caution is the better part of valor!

Tips for Surviving:

1. Emotions are running in the background for all of us, and it clouds clear thinking.
2. Be especially careful with communication with close friends, lovers and colleagues.
3. Expect what you say to be misinterpreted so go over assumptions if need be.
4. Misinterpretation and cloudy thinking can set off a constellation of misunderstanding.
5. If this happens, nip it in the bud. Take time immediately to address it or it will escalate which will only complicate your life and add more stress.
6. Slow down. Set back your own rheostat. Say less. Keep busy. Do things you know make you calmer.
7. Assume a virtue if you have it not - slap on a veneer of aplomb and calmness. Emotions are catching.
8. Put it off if you can.
9. Of course "A stitch in time saves nine." Think before you speak.

In other words, watch your words. The smartest thing to do is approach all communication with care. All PEOPLE with care. This is simply not the time. In other words, the thing you're most likely to want to say is the thing you'll regret having said later.

If all else fails, disengage and walk away.

A lot of people are just plain out looking for a fight, to relieve the tension, and it takes two to play that game.

Lastly, as a friend of mine says - Keep your words sweet. You may have to eat them some day.

For a free mini-coaching session, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc, or call 817-734-1471.

Coping with Holiday Social Stress

There are all kinds of stress around the holidays. One of them can be social stress. It's all about managing your emotional reactions to things.

This guest article is 8 Ways to Cope with the Social Stress of Holidays by Cecil McIntosh:

Indeed, stress is a part of contemporary life. The facts make this self-evident:

33 percent of employees have taken mental health days, costing business billions in lost revenues each year.

Two-thirds of those surveyed said they were likely to seek help for stress management. That means stress is having a negative impact on work performance.

Stressed teens are 200 percent more likely to drink, smoke cigarettes and use drugs. 200 percent!

Extensive research and testing show that stress contributes to high blood pressure (hypertension), heart attack, strokes, depression, a weakened immune system (more colds) and chronic pain.

62 percent of respondents stated that work raised stress levels.

Stress at work and school is taking its toll emotionally, physically and spiritually, tapping our energy and focus, diminishing our capacity to enjoy ourselves. This contributes to a problem many people experience, some to extremes -- social anxiety.

Agoraphobia

In fact, there are people for whom attending a party is simply impossible. There are people who experience agoraphobia, a fear of leaving their homes. Some remain housebound for years with this debilitating emotional disorder. And traditional treatments for agoraphobia have shown varying degrees of success.

Today, the problem is most often handled pharmacologically with stress-reduction medications, many of which are addictive and all of which mask the underlying problem -- the root cause of the condition.

Anticipation Anxiety

For many, the stress begins long before the event itself. These people experience anticipation anxiety. They imagine themselves at the event and tripping or making a social faux pas. Over and over, they envision the worst possible scenarios for weeks before the event takes place.

So, by the time the "big day" rolls around, the internal stress levels have been elevated for days or weeks. This anticipation anxiety takes all of the fun out of what should be relaxation time.

Social Stress

Do you know that people fear public speaking more than death? But you don't have to be that evening's speaker to experience elevated levels of stress.

Even if yours is a minor role -- a member of the audience, for example -- you may still experience social stress brought on by imagined fears and perceptions. So, what can you do to lessen the social stress in your life?

Here are some suggestions I give to my clients:

When you receive a written invitation, RSVP immediately. Don't create additional stress trying to decide whether you can pull yourself together to attend. Just RSVP and ask what you can bring.

Before the event, don't self-medicate with alcohol, medications or drugs. You don't need these things to enjoy yourself.

Before the event, picture yourself at your best -- looking good and having a wonderful time. Block out all negative images to lessen anticipation anxiety. Even better, don't think about the event at all.

Ask questions. Whether you're at a party or some other social gathering, ask others about themselves. We all love to talk about ourselves and this takes the spotlight off of you.

Never over imbibe. Keep it to no more than two alcoholic beverages in a four-hour period. Keep yourself in control at all times.

Assume that everybody's a little nervous at the gathering -- especially when meeting strangers. It's stressful for some. Assume you aren't alone in your feelings.
Turn your focus outward. Don't worry about how you look or that you might say the wrong thing. Use this time for its intended purpose -- recreation. Recreation.
Finally, remember this: the more socializing you do the easier it gets. You get better at it. You worry about it less (lower levels of anticipation anxiety) and, believe it or not, you actually start to enjoy yourself.

The statistics concerning school and work stress clearly indicate the need in our lives to recreate -- to laugh and have fun. Socializing shouldn't be something to fear. It's the antidote for all of the other stresses in your life.

It starts with a single RSVP or just a get-together after a long day at work. The more you interact, the stronger your support network -- and the happier you are.

About the author: Cecil McIntosh, Relaxation and stress relief, cecil@nlp-meditation.com. Cecil McIntosh a Hypnotherapist, NLP Trainer and Energy worker specializing in providing Tips and Tools to transform your stress into success. For a free 40 page report on the 21 formulas for a healthy and happy life visit this site now. http://www.emptyyourcup.com

Help for the Holidays

I'm noticing a usual trend in the emailbag these days -- family get-togethers being disturbing.
One theme is sibling rivalry -- how YOU handle your sisters/brothers, or how the parent is supposed to.

One person wrote me that their family Thanksgivings always ended in a fight. Last year the two brothers (both grown adults) broke the china cabinet in the living room in a physical fight. Other families fight verbally, or with silence and innuendos.

There's a lot of tension that makes it unpleasant for all.

Another man told me that he was going to get a hotel room this time, so he would have a place to get away to. He told me about the hostility between some of the women in his family.

HERE IS SOME HELP WHERE YOU NEED IT MOST.

Here's an online course to help you through the holidays.
YOU LOVE THEM - NOW LEARN HOW TO GET ALONG WITH THEM

Step-by-step practical help with dealing with the difficult people in your life. Just in time for the holidays. This Internet course covers all Difficult Types.

"I noticed an improvement right away." -- Andrea

"Finally, now, I the "people pleaser" can enjoy MYself too." -- Shelley

$89.99 - Click HERE to order this new ONLINE COURSE INTERACTIVE for instant empowerment. It will be emailed to you.

How to Use the Holidays

If you'd like to learn more about your emotions -- get ready for the lessons!

The planet Mars is coming as close to earth as it gets in mid-November. We think we saw it the other night, big and bright. It's fitting because I just read Clousewitz on War, and A History of Warfare, by John Keegan. I also brushed up on my emotional intelligence. Why?

Because Mars is named for the god of War, and war has been around a long time - anger, violence, arguments, conflict - but like any energy, this energy can be used for good things, or bad things. It's self-protective (we fight to protect ourselves or our loved ones, or our possessions), but if you let this energy get out of hand, or misinterpret or over-react to threats, you miss all the better ways to manifest your "warrior spirit."

In the coming weeks we will have the holidays and the political scene, football, our relationships and our work situations to explore this energy with. How you experience the holidays will depend on how prepared you are -- emotionally. It is a time of intense extremes. Coaching can help you keep perspective. I'll be available all through the holidays for sessions. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

This intense time of year can make us more prone to temper tantrums, outbursts, violence, and even cruelty. But it can also bring fighting spirit for good things, bravery and even heroic acts.

Our emotional energy needs to be understood and modulated.

Beware of:

• Addictions rearing their ugly heads
• All the negative emotions - anger, guilt, worry and fear
• Extreme highs and extreme lows
• Fighting
• Over-reactions - including rescuing and over-helping
• Increased stress from hiding anger and negative energy we don't know how to deal with
• Intense startups that exhaust us and then peter our (one-week exercise program, the 2-day "diet")
• Fanaticism and proselytizing
• Stress, stress, stress - chemicals that exhaust and stress you and related health problems, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Remember that unless you trap them, emotions come and go. Don't FOCUS on the downside, keep centered, focus on the good, and "just say no" to the emotional rollercoaster. In other words don't focus on what you fear and/or want to avoid; that gives it power and traps it. Focus instead on good outcomes and positive things.

Email me @ sdunn@susandunn.cc for my
TIPS FOR COPING with THE HOLIDAYS.

Email consultation, phone, THE EQ COURSE

Learn to Delegate, it's emotionally intelligent

With the holidays coming up, it's a good time to set your intentions. Intentionality is one of the highest emotional intelligence competencies. If means saying what you mean and doing what you say.

Whereas many people leave it at that, I like to add that this applies to your attitude as well. Do you intend to end up frazzled during the holidays, going over budget, screaming at the kids, fighting with your mother-in-law, havein meltdowns and so forth?

I'll be having lots of tips. But right now, consider that one of the best ways to alleviate stress in your life is to learn how to delegate. This is very hard for people with low emotional intelligence. I liked this article a lot, and hope you find it helpful. It's about "your own business," but (and this is part of EQ), it is applicable to many other situations.

(Take the EQ Course to learn more about Intentionality.)

Break the Death Grip of Delegation Dysfunction and Enjoy the Dream of Owning Your Own Business

Delegation dysfunction plagues most small businesses.

Here's how it works: You give something to someone else to do. They put it on the bottom of their pile. You check onit and discover that it's not done. You press them on it, and it finally gets done (with rolled eyes and cold stares). But it's not done right and you end up doing it yourself. That is the definition of dysfunction! "Getting things done through others is a fundamental leadership skill. Indeed, if you can't do it, you're not leading," declares Larry Bossidy and Ram Charan in Execution: The Discipline of Getting Things Done.

FOUR ESSENTIALS FOR GETTING THINGS DONE THROUGH OTHERS

In spite of this dysfunction, delegation actually does work. More importantly delegation MUST work or we're doomedto doing everything ourselves. Here's what it takes to get things done through others:

1. Clearly identify the jobs that need doing
Effective delegation starts with knowing what needs to bedone. As obvious as that statement sounds, it is where mostbusinesses fail. Strong dynamic leaders have an idea ofwhat they want done, but never communicate it clearly,leaving others trying to read their mind.Not surprisingly, most employees are not good a readingother people's minds. As a result, expectations areunfulfilled and everyone is unhappy. All because no onetook the time to clearly define what needed to be done. Like the old Fram® commercials where a grizzled mechanic says, "You can pay me now or you can pay me later," upfront time spent clarifying expectations saves hours of wasted effort.

2. For each of those jobs specifically state WHO is going to do WHAT by WHEN and HOW (or NOT HOW)?
Here is the blocking and tackling of delegation: Choose the right person to give a project to (WHO), that is the person for whom a task is the best fit for their talent and ability. Specifically outline the parameters of the project (WHAT) and set reasonable deadlines for its completion (WHEN). Also set intermediate milestones toward the completion of those deadlines and check on those milestones faithfully, adjusting them if needed (also WHEN). Finally determine the best practices that should be implemented to complete the project (HOW) and the methodologies that should be avoided entirely (NOT HOW). Again, a little time spent at the beginning of a project-this should take LESS than an hour-reaps big rewards. Write everything down and distribute it to everyone on the project.

3. Provide the time and training for your people to excel at these jobs.
What passes for delegation in most businesses is really dumping. Or what I call "drive-by delegating" where leaders shoot people with a list of things to do and speed away to the next victim. Effective business leaders view delegation as a process NOT an event. It is a process that takes time. Be patient with people and let them adjust to the learning curve of acquiring a new skill. It is also a process that takes training, giving people the tools they need to excel at what they do. The problem is that we wait until the last minute-until we ourselves are utterly overloaded-before we ask for other people's help. We then don't have the time to adequately train our people. But time and training is critical for getting things done through others. Look into the future, even for a few months, and identify the jobs you might ask other people to do. Then get them started on learning those jobs. In others words, stop dumping on your people in the name of delegation. Start developing them into the fully capable employees that they can be.

4. Follow-up each assignment politely, but religiously on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis.
Finally, you must follow-though on everything that you delegate. No exceptions. Inspect what you expect. Don't wait until the end of a project to inspect either. Check in at first daily just for a quick update. As you gain confidence that a project is well underway, have weekly times where you touch base. NEVER, however, let more than a month slip by without meaningful inspection of anything others are doing for you. Accountability accelerates performance. Simple, polite, honest accountability creates a culture of execution within your company. "Follow-through is the cornerstone of execution, and every leader who's good at executing follows though religiously," Execution: The Discipline of GettingThings Done again advises.

ENJOY THE REAL DREAM OF OWNING YOUR OWN BUSINESS
When you break the death grip of delegation dysfunction,you will enjoy being a business owner again. You will have gathered a team of people around you who are just as serious about the success of your small business as you are. Together you conquer the world! That's the dream you had when you started your business.

About the Author:Bill Zipp is a seasoned small business specialist. Bill has spent thousands of hours working with hundreds of business leaders across the country, and his proven program, TheBusiness Fitness™ System, provides a step-by-step plan for building a strong, self-sustaining small business. For aFREE Special Report, The 3 Biggest Killers of SmallBusinesses Today (And What YOU Can Do About Them!) visithttp://www.LeadershipLink.net .

Wired to Connect

WHAT IS BETTER THAN A TRUE FRIEND??
public weblog('jaysen naidoo')

Yes, our brains are wired to connect. Connections, of the good sort, help eliminate or alleviate stress, help us cope better, emotional intelligence is built on a good support system and network, and we are wired to connect with other humans and also mammals. Many people's best buddy is a dog!

Studies show that ISOLATION is harder on our health than smoking, overweight, stress all combined. Think of that!

Emotional intelligence shows you how to work with this natural ability and need to connect with others at a meaningful level. We are our emotions ... if you aren't connecting with others emotionally, you can be alone in a crowd.

Must as I am ambivalent about cell phones, I always think of the connection. The cell phones start ringing at work around 5, and people start to wind down their days, and long for connection with their loved ones. Lovers call each other on the cell all day long, ot txt msg, and it makes them happy.

Stay connected!

Dear Santa, please get my parents to calm down.

Dear Santa,

Please get my parents to calm down and quit fighting. They're yelling at me for no reason. I thought it was supposed to be a happy time. Please help.
Love, [Your Child?]

ARE YOU GETTING STRUNG OUT?

I serve as Step-Parenting Expert for a major website, and the emails for advice are pouring in. The phone is also ringing off the hook on the coaching side, as Christmas nears. It's a time a lot of people have begun to dread.

If you're overwhelmed, give me a call. Give yourself a break -- a coaching break. Special for the season - $50 per call.

It's really hard on the kids when their parents are getting spaced out, frantic, impatient, short-tempered, and so forth. You owe it to yourself, your family and your co-workers to get yourself "under management." It's a shame to be having such an awful time when it's supposed to be a happy time. This really confuses kids! The Christmas breaks will be here soon, and they'll be out of school, so get proactive. Give me a call.

I have lots of tips, and lots of experience. I also have blocked off lots of time. So give me a call. (817) 741-7223. You can email before to make sure and set a time just for you. sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Why not learn some ways to get this Christmas thing more manageable and enjoyable? That's what emotional intelligence is all about and it can be learned. Good news! There's help.

Check out my article, HOW TO LEARN WHAT YOU NEED TO LEARN IN ORDER TO SUCCEED, on the Reading Skills Blog.