Family Tension at the Holidays

THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING, and with it comes "family" stress. Let me help you during this time!

Guest article today re: same. Why not prepare with some EQ coaching, The EQ course, or the difficult people course. Email sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Why Anger Rises In The Family (And How To Let It Go)
by Brenda Shoshanna

The family is the most common place for anger to erupt. It is also the place where the seeds of anger are sowed. When we live closely with others, when we are bonded to them, attached, dependent or vulnerable, these individuals have the power to affect us deeply. In these relationships our expectations and demands greater.

Images Of The Family
We have strong images of how parents, siblings or children"should" behave. We feel we have the right to demand love and attention from those in the family. Parents have strong feelings that they have the right to loyalty and obedience, just because of their roles, (no matter how they treat their children).

Children often feel the same. There is a common craving for a"happy family", where everyone loves and cares for each other, and where everyone accepts all of each other's difficulties. Unfortunately, this craving is often unfulfilled. For the most part the myth of a happy family is often a dream. Families are often hotbeds of misunderstandings, resentment, sibling rivalry, jealousy, inappropriate expectations and demands and lack of acceptance.

In fact, families are really fine places to work through a great deal of issues and learn how to individuate, grow, love and accept both others and ourselves.Although many of us blame our parents for all that has gone wrong, the fact is that the parent is not the real culprit. It is the smoldering anger that is being held onto that causes the pain. It is the inability to get over disappointment about not having the parent of our dreams. This anger and disappointment can prevent us from growing up and establishing the life thatbest expresses our values and vision today.

Identity And The Family
A major factor that contributes to anger in families is the tendency each member has to identify with the other. Parents feel that children are a reflection of them. Parents also project their worst fears about themselves onto their children, or want their children to make up for errors and disappointments in their own lives. This is a huge mistake, which leads to a great deal of pain. It is interesting to notice how little room there is for differences in most families. Most think that a perfect family is one in which everyone is the same.

Individuation - (Becoming Who You Are)
The most vital process that goes on in the family is the process of individuation. This means that as a child grows they are given the opportunity to discover who they are, to be separate and different from those they love. Some experience differences between themselves and family members as separation, or even rejection. They do not realize that unless family members become who they are, they will not be able to grow and love. Instead, anger develops, deep resentment and pain. The greatest longing most family members have is being known, heard and accepted for who they are. Ultimately, this is experienced as love.

Unfulfilled Needs In The Family
For the rest of this article, go here: http://www.isnare.com/html.php?aid=190902

About The Author: Watch stress and sickness melt away on The Anger Diet, award winning book by top psychologist http://www.theangerdiet.com. Dr Shoshanna, speaker, relationship expert, has helped thousands. Free ezine andarticles, http://www.brendashoshanna.com , topspeaker@yahoo.com. Counseling, workshops available.

Susan Dunn has been chosen Adult and Senior Development Expert for SelfGrowth, the biggest self help portal on the Internet, rated #1 by yahoo and google.

Let her help you through the holidays. Email sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Preparing for the Holidays

Lets face it, there is extra stress during the holidays. While the pumpkins are starting to appear on doorsteps, and fall wreaths on doors, you may be getting a feeling in the pit of your stomach.

One of the stressors for some people is the family gatherings. After all, we don't get to choose our families! There may be an uncle that always jerks your chain, or a sister you have trouble getting along with, or maybe your mother is just determined to get everyone to get together and is saying "can't you just get along."

Whatever it is, it's smart to prepare yourself. The EQ Course can help, and also I have a special course called Dealing with Difficult People. To find out more about this course, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . It is on the Internet, but it is interactive. You can ask me specific questions by email and dialogue with me about your individual situation.

Here are some of the things people have said you took the course.

"This course got me through it all. Thank you, thank you." -- P.T., Louisiana

"Finally I get it. It wasnt easy for me to see what was going in and like you say ithas been like that for a long time. When I do what it says to do then I'm OK." -- S.D., California

"Thanks for opening my eyes. Now I know how to avoid those touchy areas, and how to keep things from escalating. Very helpful, specific advice and things to say. I will recommend this course to others."

Email me for more information, sdunn@susandunn.cc .
To register for the course on PayPal, go HERE.

Learn to Delegate, it's emotionally intelligent

With the holidays coming up, it's a good time to set your intentions. Intentionality is one of the highest emotional intelligence competencies. If means saying what you mean and doing what you say.

Whereas many people leave it at that, I like to add that this applies to your attitude as well. Do you intend to end up frazzled during the holidays, going over budget, screaming at the kids, fighting with your mother-in-law, havein meltdowns and so forth?

I'll be having lots of tips. But right now, consider that one of the best ways to alleviate stress in your life is to learn how to delegate. This is very hard for people with low emotional intelligence. I liked this article a lot, and hope you find it helpful. It's about "your own business," but (and this is part of EQ), it is applicable to many other situations.

(Take the EQ Course to learn more about Intentionality.)

Break the Death Grip of Delegation Dysfunction and Enjoy the Dream of Owning Your Own Business

Delegation dysfunction plagues most small businesses.

Here's how it works: You give something to someone else to do. They put it on the bottom of their pile. You check onit and discover that it's not done. You press them on it, and it finally gets done (with rolled eyes and cold stares). But it's not done right and you end up doing it yourself. That is the definition of dysfunction! "Getting things done through others is a fundamental leadership skill. Indeed, if you can't do it, you're not leading," declares Larry Bossidy and Ram Charan in Execution: The Discipline of Getting Things Done.

FOUR ESSENTIALS FOR GETTING THINGS DONE THROUGH OTHERS

In spite of this dysfunction, delegation actually does work. More importantly delegation MUST work or we're doomedto doing everything ourselves. Here's what it takes to get things done through others:

1. Clearly identify the jobs that need doing
Effective delegation starts with knowing what needs to bedone. As obvious as that statement sounds, it is where mostbusinesses fail. Strong dynamic leaders have an idea ofwhat they want done, but never communicate it clearly,leaving others trying to read their mind.Not surprisingly, most employees are not good a readingother people's minds. As a result, expectations areunfulfilled and everyone is unhappy. All because no onetook the time to clearly define what needed to be done. Like the old Fram® commercials where a grizzled mechanic says, "You can pay me now or you can pay me later," upfront time spent clarifying expectations saves hours of wasted effort.

2. For each of those jobs specifically state WHO is going to do WHAT by WHEN and HOW (or NOT HOW)?
Here is the blocking and tackling of delegation: Choose the right person to give a project to (WHO), that is the person for whom a task is the best fit for their talent and ability. Specifically outline the parameters of the project (WHAT) and set reasonable deadlines for its completion (WHEN). Also set intermediate milestones toward the completion of those deadlines and check on those milestones faithfully, adjusting them if needed (also WHEN). Finally determine the best practices that should be implemented to complete the project (HOW) and the methodologies that should be avoided entirely (NOT HOW). Again, a little time spent at the beginning of a project-this should take LESS than an hour-reaps big rewards. Write everything down and distribute it to everyone on the project.

3. Provide the time and training for your people to excel at these jobs.
What passes for delegation in most businesses is really dumping. Or what I call "drive-by delegating" where leaders shoot people with a list of things to do and speed away to the next victim. Effective business leaders view delegation as a process NOT an event. It is a process that takes time. Be patient with people and let them adjust to the learning curve of acquiring a new skill. It is also a process that takes training, giving people the tools they need to excel at what they do. The problem is that we wait until the last minute-until we ourselves are utterly overloaded-before we ask for other people's help. We then don't have the time to adequately train our people. But time and training is critical for getting things done through others. Look into the future, even for a few months, and identify the jobs you might ask other people to do. Then get them started on learning those jobs. In others words, stop dumping on your people in the name of delegation. Start developing them into the fully capable employees that they can be.

4. Follow-up each assignment politely, but religiously on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis.
Finally, you must follow-though on everything that you delegate. No exceptions. Inspect what you expect. Don't wait until the end of a project to inspect either. Check in at first daily just for a quick update. As you gain confidence that a project is well underway, have weekly times where you touch base. NEVER, however, let more than a month slip by without meaningful inspection of anything others are doing for you. Accountability accelerates performance. Simple, polite, honest accountability creates a culture of execution within your company. "Follow-through is the cornerstone of execution, and every leader who's good at executing follows though religiously," Execution: The Discipline of GettingThings Done again advises.

ENJOY THE REAL DREAM OF OWNING YOUR OWN BUSINESS
When you break the death grip of delegation dysfunction,you will enjoy being a business owner again. You will have gathered a team of people around you who are just as serious about the success of your small business as you are. Together you conquer the world! That's the dream you had when you started your business.

About the Author:Bill Zipp is a seasoned small business specialist. Bill has spent thousands of hours working with hundreds of business leaders across the country, and his proven program, TheBusiness Fitness™ System, provides a step-by-step plan for building a strong, self-sustaining small business. For aFREE Special Report, The 3 Biggest Killers of SmallBusinesses Today (And What YOU Can Do About Them!) visithttp://www.LeadershipLink.net .