Make it the Kind of Christmas YOU Want

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Are You a Victim of Your Own Christmas?
by Susan Dunn, M.A., The EQ Coach

This article is currently appearing HERE.

We’re coming down to the wire. How’s it feeling to you? This is a time when you can process what you'll do differently next year, or a time when you can pause and remember what worked and didn't work last year ... and change what you're doing. Either way it works.

So, how is it feeling to you right now?

Why do I ask that? Well, whatever you’re celebrating, and whatever your religious orientation, Christmas is a celebration, a celebration that for many has a spiritual basis to it. That is, it’s supposed to be merry, at the least, and meaningful at the most. What’s it for you this year?

There may not be much you can do to put on the brakes now, but note how you’re feeling so you can see how it’s working for you. This has to be tested against the purpose of this celebration, which is personal to each of us, but surely it isn’t to be exhausted, stressed, hateful, resentful, materialistic, imprudent, overwhelmed, obligatory, or “just going through the motions.” If you’re feeling “the thrill is gone,” it’s time to get mindful. Don’t be the victim of your own holiday.

Remember, it’s all about choice. Intentionality is the EQ competency for the holidays. What do you intend? How do your intend to feel? What do you intend to accomplish?

If you feel like you want to stop the world and get off, take note. When Christmas is over, please process for next year.

Ask yourself:

1. What worked and what didn’t? In other words, what makes you feel good. Feeling good can be pleasure, joy, but also the feeling of a job well done.

2. What did I do out of obligation, or to keep up with the Joneses that needs to be let go next year?

3. Did I feel the way I wanted to? If not, what will I do differently next year?

4. Take each element and analyze it - - did you really enjoy it, or were you just going through the paces? Was it “because we’ve always done it this way”?

5. Is there some tradition that’s outworn its welcome? If so, you can eliminate it. Kiss it goodbye, remembering it fondly, but let it go.

6. Whether you’re a parent, grandparent, or uncle or aunt, there are children around. What kind of example are you setting? If you yell at your kid because you’re stressed out over Christmas, ho ho ho?

7. How materialistic were your gifts? How much did you bust your budget? Were you satisfied with how much you spent, or did you feel guilty, and it caused fights with your spouse? You can choose to change this next year.

8. Did you spend time the way you wanted to? Did you spend time with the people you wanted to be with? Whether or not its family, you have a choice.

9. Did you actually have time to enjoy each thing - the smells, the touches, the sights, the sounds? Or were you like a hamster on his wheel? One of my clients says she takes one night off to just sit in front of the Christmas tree looking at the lights and listening to her favorite Christmas music. (Seems like it would be nice to work in more than ONE night for that ...)

10. What part of the negatives was due to your attitude rather than external events or circumstances? Controlling your mood and emotions with emotional intelligence can add tremendously to your life, not just at Christmas time.

The best gift in life is to be able to learn from your experiences and this is a great time to apply this -- either backward, or going forward. If you don’t like what’s going on, don’t be a victim of your own circumstances or attitude. Change one or both!

About the Author

Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc . Individual coaching, business programs, Internet courses, and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your health, wealth and happiness. EQ Alive! #1 rated coach certification program, training worldwide. It’s simple, affordable, fast and has no residency requirement. Email for more information, and for fr** EQ ezine.

Let me help you with a free mini-coaching session. Email sdunn@susandunn.cc to set up your time.

Gifts and Emotional Intelligence

It's the thought that counts??

Well the holidays are over, and now the Valentine's displays are up in the stores ... another great occasion involving gifts to loved ones.

A touchy subject - yes, it is.

I received several requests for interviews on this "etiquette" from national publications ... about what to give whom, when and how. Is money OK? What about gift certificates? Hand made items? What if your husband's secretary clearly picked out your gift? Clearly a last-minute effort at having flowers delivered?

I thought this article made some good points about the thought behind the gift.

From the article Why Women Love Giving and Receiving Gifts
For the full article, go here: http://www.isnare.com/html.php?aid=212245

Unfortunately, this is why so many women may seem disappointed in gifts that they are given. It is the thought behind the gift that a woman is interpreting and when a gift is of something that the woman feels represents a lack of planning or is something that shows that the other person does not listen to their opinions, their likes and dislikes, they take offense.

To many women, a gift is an emotional representation of the other person's feelings about them.

... [I]f gift giving time is the only time a woman is really shown an
outward example of how she is appreciated, then the woman may have a valid point to put so much stock into the gift. In the same way, women as gift givers, who spend so much time and energy on finding the "perfect" gift, should not be using this situation as the only time they show their gratitude and love toward the people that they are giving them to. If such is the case, then they are as guilty as everyone around them. Gifts should never be a replacement for showing our love and gratitude for our family and friends. It all comes down to daily appreciating those around us in our words and actions and then any gifts that are given or received will only be extensions of those emotions.

Love the women in your life by showering them with praise and attention and whenever possible give them a gift ... to be even further evidence of your feelings. She will, in turn do the same for you.

Help for the Holidays

I'm noticing a usual trend in the emailbag these days -- family get-togethers being disturbing.
One theme is sibling rivalry -- how YOU handle your sisters/brothers, or how the parent is supposed to.

One person wrote me that their family Thanksgivings always ended in a fight. Last year the two brothers (both grown adults) broke the china cabinet in the living room in a physical fight. Other families fight verbally, or with silence and innuendos.

There's a lot of tension that makes it unpleasant for all.

Another man told me that he was going to get a hotel room this time, so he would have a place to get away to. He told me about the hostility between some of the women in his family.

HERE IS SOME HELP WHERE YOU NEED IT MOST.

Here's an online course to help you through the holidays.
YOU LOVE THEM - NOW LEARN HOW TO GET ALONG WITH THEM

Step-by-step practical help with dealing with the difficult people in your life. Just in time for the holidays. This Internet course covers all Difficult Types.

"I noticed an improvement right away." -- Andrea

"Finally, now, I the "people pleaser" can enjoy MYself too." -- Shelley

$89.99 - Click HERE to order this new ONLINE COURSE INTERACTIVE for instant empowerment. It will be emailed to you.

Thanksgiving - Holiday Manners and Emotional Intelligence

Thanksgiving Dinner Etiquette- Holiday Manners
How to be a great Thanksgiving Guest, and have a more enjoyable time! It's all about emotional intelligence.

From the article:

The days of dining by plucking fruit from trees and roasting small animals over the fire, eating with fingers, and perhaps fighting with others over the scraps are long gone. Or are they? More and more we swing our car through the drive-in, grab our food from the window, and proceed to eat with our fingers, so perhaps you need a brush-up on the basics of formal – shall we say “civilized” dining – before the great Thanksgiving feast.

Rules of civilized dining evolved because, according to Margaret Visser (“Rituals of Dinner”), “animals are slaughtered and consumed, the guest-host relationship is … a complicated interweaving of the imposition of obligation and the suspension of hostility, and the ordinary table knife is related to actual weapons of war.”

email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . You may wish to take the Difficult People course in preparation for the holidays. It's on the Internet, with practical tips to get you through.

The holidays are a great time to increase your emotional intelligence, because you will get lots of opportunities. :-)

How to Use the Holidays

If you'd like to learn more about your emotions -- get ready for the lessons!

The planet Mars is coming as close to earth as it gets in mid-November. We think we saw it the other night, big and bright. It's fitting because I just read Clousewitz on War, and A History of Warfare, by John Keegan. I also brushed up on my emotional intelligence. Why?

Because Mars is named for the god of War, and war has been around a long time - anger, violence, arguments, conflict - but like any energy, this energy can be used for good things, or bad things. It's self-protective (we fight to protect ourselves or our loved ones, or our possessions), but if you let this energy get out of hand, or misinterpret or over-react to threats, you miss all the better ways to manifest your "warrior spirit."

In the coming weeks we will have the holidays and the political scene, football, our relationships and our work situations to explore this energy with. How you experience the holidays will depend on how prepared you are -- emotionally. It is a time of intense extremes. Coaching can help you keep perspective. I'll be available all through the holidays for sessions. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

This intense time of year can make us more prone to temper tantrums, outbursts, violence, and even cruelty. But it can also bring fighting spirit for good things, bravery and even heroic acts.

Our emotional energy needs to be understood and modulated.

Beware of:

• Addictions rearing their ugly heads
• All the negative emotions - anger, guilt, worry and fear
• Extreme highs and extreme lows
• Fighting
• Over-reactions - including rescuing and over-helping
• Increased stress from hiding anger and negative energy we don't know how to deal with
• Intense startups that exhaust us and then peter our (one-week exercise program, the 2-day "diet")
• Fanaticism and proselytizing
• Stress, stress, stress - chemicals that exhaust and stress you and related health problems, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Remember that unless you trap them, emotions come and go. Don't FOCUS on the downside, keep centered, focus on the good, and "just say no" to the emotional rollercoaster. In other words don't focus on what you fear and/or want to avoid; that gives it power and traps it. Focus instead on good outcomes and positive things.

Email me @ sdunn@susandunn.cc for my
TIPS FOR COPING with THE HOLIDAYS.

Email consultation, phone, THE EQ COURSE

Family Tension at the Holidays

THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING, and with it comes "family" stress. Let me help you during this time!

Guest article today re: same. Why not prepare with some EQ coaching, The EQ course, or the difficult people course. Email sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Why Anger Rises In The Family (And How To Let It Go)
by Brenda Shoshanna

The family is the most common place for anger to erupt. It is also the place where the seeds of anger are sowed. When we live closely with others, when we are bonded to them, attached, dependent or vulnerable, these individuals have the power to affect us deeply. In these relationships our expectations and demands greater.

Images Of The Family
We have strong images of how parents, siblings or children"should" behave. We feel we have the right to demand love and attention from those in the family. Parents have strong feelings that they have the right to loyalty and obedience, just because of their roles, (no matter how they treat their children).

Children often feel the same. There is a common craving for a"happy family", where everyone loves and cares for each other, and where everyone accepts all of each other's difficulties. Unfortunately, this craving is often unfulfilled. For the most part the myth of a happy family is often a dream. Families are often hotbeds of misunderstandings, resentment, sibling rivalry, jealousy, inappropriate expectations and demands and lack of acceptance.

In fact, families are really fine places to work through a great deal of issues and learn how to individuate, grow, love and accept both others and ourselves.Although many of us blame our parents for all that has gone wrong, the fact is that the parent is not the real culprit. It is the smoldering anger that is being held onto that causes the pain. It is the inability to get over disappointment about not having the parent of our dreams. This anger and disappointment can prevent us from growing up and establishing the life thatbest expresses our values and vision today.

Identity And The Family
A major factor that contributes to anger in families is the tendency each member has to identify with the other. Parents feel that children are a reflection of them. Parents also project their worst fears about themselves onto their children, or want their children to make up for errors and disappointments in their own lives. This is a huge mistake, which leads to a great deal of pain. It is interesting to notice how little room there is for differences in most families. Most think that a perfect family is one in which everyone is the same.

Individuation - (Becoming Who You Are)
The most vital process that goes on in the family is the process of individuation. This means that as a child grows they are given the opportunity to discover who they are, to be separate and different from those they love. Some experience differences between themselves and family members as separation, or even rejection. They do not realize that unless family members become who they are, they will not be able to grow and love. Instead, anger develops, deep resentment and pain. The greatest longing most family members have is being known, heard and accepted for who they are. Ultimately, this is experienced as love.

Unfulfilled Needs In The Family
For the rest of this article, go here: http://www.isnare.com/html.php?aid=190902

About The Author: Watch stress and sickness melt away on The Anger Diet, award winning book by top psychologist http://www.theangerdiet.com. Dr Shoshanna, speaker, relationship expert, has helped thousands. Free ezine andarticles, http://www.brendashoshanna.com , topspeaker@yahoo.com. Counseling, workshops available.

Susan Dunn has been chosen Adult and Senior Development Expert for SelfGrowth, the biggest self help portal on the Internet, rated #1 by yahoo and google.

Let her help you through the holidays. Email sdunn@susandunn.cc .