The Best Christmas Gift You Can Give Yourself: Simplicity

I had to laugh when I read that quote recently. I particularly remember a time in my merry life when I had two sons, 3 dogs, my clothes filled two
closets in my home, I owned Madeleine pans, exotic juicers, a regular and a gourmet coffeemaker, 3 sets of flatware, 10 tableclothes, 10 sets of placemats for 6 or 8, and formal china tablesettings for 12 … and most "cluttering" of all, a social calendar that was unmanageable.

Life is a series of stages, and there is the "acquiring" stage.

However, there came a point where I felt overwhelmed by my "blessings" and took a look at what was going on. At the time, my boyfriend, who was a stock broker, kept saying, "Simplify, simplify." He lived what I considered a "Sparten existence."

It caused me to take a look at the whole picture. I was exhausted all the time. I went to a therapist; too bad there weren't coaches then. She said I was "trying to do too much." I interpreted it that I wasn't capable of handling all these things, and redoubled my efforts.

Coaches make things more clear. "Why are you doing what doesn't bring you pleasure?" would've been the question to ask. Eventually I asked myself that question and here are some of the things I did.

THE CLOTHES
I was still operating from an old childhood scarcity-mentality. I never had "enough" clothes in high school, not because my parents couldn't afford it, just that they didn't want to spend their money on that. I started babysitting rigorously to buy myself clothes and makeup and stuff. Not a bad thing to do, but I realized that
time was over. I gave a number of things to Goodwill, set aside a space-allotment, and stuck to it.

I did have to "dress" for my profession at the time (PR), so I chose two outfits I could accessorize in infinite ways. Scarves, jewelry and pins take far less storage space!

THE DOGS
Two were strays we had "adopted," under pressure from my good-hearted son. However, they were difficult dogs, not having been well-raised, and took far more work than our original family pet. I decided to give up this rescuing mentality and at the same time educate my children. We found good homes for two of them, and the family pact was "no more." We stuck with our one chosen, well-cared for, and well-trained dog.

THE ENTERTAINING WARE
That's a hard one. It's been an abiding interest and love in my life, to entertain with all the accoutrements. I decided that was an okay hobby, but to stick with what I had for a long time. How many sets of Christmas tablemats does one really
need?

THE COOKWARE
Life is choices. I could eliminate a lot of these things by turning to fast food, eating out, less elaborate meals. I decided this was not something
to sacrifice. There are health benefits to wok cooking, steamers, double boilers, etc., and "happy" benefits to beautiful Bundt cakes. My youngest son particularly enjoyed the camaraderie of a fondue meal. Our family dinners were fun for all of us, and a good thing, and I didn't want to sacrifice that for "convenience."

Not everything in the enriched life should be "efficient."

THE FINANCIAL PICTURE
My stocks were scattered all over the place, and we consolidated. It seemed risky to me to "put all my eggs in one basket," but we did, and it resulted in a nice financial gain.

THE ORGANIZATION
I decided it wasn't all that I had that was the problem - many of them were valuable to me and my lifestyle - it was the organization of it all.

One thing I did was buy containers, for instance, "fall decorations" and got everything in one place. I added to the box my apparel for that time of year - autumn sweaters, accessories, and jewelry. I labeled them clearly, stacked them in one place, and felt better about it all.

I tackled the gift-producing area. I had a bow maker, rolls of paper, ribbons, ready for every occasion. It was a time when the boys would be invited to a birthday party quite suddenly, and it kept me from "running out" at the last minute to buy the wrapping. This I decided to eliminate.
The storage space required and the clutter were not worth it, and it seemed I never had the right thing anyway. I bought 10 generic gift bags with white tissue, appropriate for any age or occasion.

Also, seeing myself "burdened" by the gifts coming my way - that teddy bear statuette just wasn't "me" even if it was expensive crystal - I switched
to what I call "disposable" gifts. Sending someone a floral arrangement, or a basket of fruit, or a Honey-baked ham would note the occasion, but it would "go away" and they wouldn't
have to find a place for it.

I have never been comfortable giving money, but gift certificates seemed possible. It showed at least a little "thought" and "effort," the two things I find missing in gifts of money. (Not that I've ever refused one!)

For those with no material needs whatsoever, I would donate money to a charity close to their heart. That is greatly appreciated by most people. Charities list in their newsletter the
gifts made in honor of, or in memory of, others, and that's a nice touch.

Re: the people in my life, I took a look at the investment-return ratio. Some of them, I had to admit, were a drain. With me being in a helping profession, some were "using" me for free counseling, while making no improvements in their lives, and that didn't give me the friendship I needed, or provide for them the counseling or
coaching they needed.

I made a list of the people who really meant something to me, with whom I had strong mutual bonds, and I whittled away at the ones who didn't contribute anything to my life. We call this in coaching, "getting rid of tolerations." Yes, people can be "tolerations" and I think this is one of the more important "ah hahs" Thomas Leonard, the founder of coaching, gave to the world.

I eliminated immediately the ones who were a negative drain on me, and took a closer look at ones wanting entry. I quietly discouraged some "friendships" from ever occurring in the first place. Life is choices.

I believe that our lives are greatly influenced by the 5 people we spend the most time with. I made sure the Top 5 were the ones I wanted and needed them to be.

META-THEORY
I decided to slow myself down at the checkout counter. I disciplined myself for 6 months. I would not make any impulse buys. I would go home and consider it. Usually it wasn't worth the effort to go back.

I would not go shopping to "window shop." There's no such thing! There's always something attracts my eye I think I "must have."

Shopping would be a necessity for essentials, not Saturday afternoon entertainment for me and the kids.

I put more thought into the things I gave others so as to slow the flow into their lives as well.

READY FOR THE NEW YEAR
As you participate in, or observe, the shopping frenzy of the holiday season. Ask yourself, "Why am I doing this?"

Good reasons are:
·It's meaningful
·I enjoy it
·I know it's something I can afford and know it's
something they need or would like

Bad reasons are:
·I don't know why
·To keep up with the Joneses
·Because I always have
·Because you're supposed to

Oserve closely your own behavior. That's the beginning of making positive changes.

It's the emotionally intelligent thing to do!

Holiday Survival Guide for Introverts

If you're an introvert, celebrate the holidays YOUR way! None of that dancing on the table with a lampshade on the head for YOU! The holidays are a stressful time, but especially so for introverts (roughly 10% of the population).

One of the most important things you can know about yourself is whether you're an introvert or extravert, and how to enhance your life according to your natural tendencies.
If you're an introvert, here are some tips for a more enjoyable holiday season.
Allow extra time for sleep, rest, and quiet relaxation so you can recharge. When the world reves up even higher, it will get to you even more than usual.
Nobody has to accept every holiday invitation, in fact it's best to be discriminatory so you don't overdo. If you're an introvert, this applies double for you. It's okay to turn down party invitations!

Get PROACTIVE. If you sense an invitation coming, or if you want to, or must, celebrate with someone, jump the gun (which isn't your style) and channel it YOUR way. Invite someone to a concert, or the ballet. Think "time-limited." If you invite someone to lunch and then a concert, you know when it will begin and end and this eliminates some stress. Not so an Open House! Christmas Eve is also a good time to take your turn having the family over, as it's usually more peaceful, and nobody stays late.

When an introvert must attend a party or family gathering, it's best to plan ahead. Sometimes it works well to work out just before the gathering or take a nap. Whatever refreshes you. Experiment and find out! Then arriving at the party on time and greeting everyone makes your presence known and then you can disappear. It's also good to smile and reassure people you're having a good time, or else they'll become concerned -- since introverts show it different and are often under stress -- so people will be reassured and you won't get any more unwanted attention.
There are little tricks like bringing your camera and appointing yourself the official photographer, or being in charge of the music and spending a lot of time changing CDs. Also, then, the introvert can choose their own style of music.
What to do about the dreaded OFFICE PARTY ? They are really command performances and can be a strain. Volunteer immediately to do a job that requires working alone (such as being in charge of the invitations), or volunteer to sit at the sign-in table, which can take half the night. It allows for the kind of structured socializing that introverts often prefer.

After a party or family-gathering, take a warm bubble bath, or a nice evening walk - something to help you unwind and self-soothe. Your extraverted husband may drive home talking all the way and then plop into bed and start snoring immediately. Not you!

Everyone's entitled -- of course! -- to celebrate the holidays in ways they like. Another option is to save up vacation time and leave town -- a quiet cabin in the mountains with some good books and music and a loved one (or not), or maybe taking a cruise. You don't have to put up lights and frenzy - you can enjoy other people's when you get the urge, and you can shut it down, tune it out, and turn it off. You can choose your own level of stimulation.

Introverts also need to be alert to protect themselves from boundary violations. They are often "ready targets" at parties for loud, aggressive people, simply because they're quiet and often sensitive and considerate. Also for people who are agitated and want to be around a soothing person, or anyone looking for an "audience". Sitting alone in a corner leaves you prey to people you may find annoying and you can get cornered; getting up and moving around and choosing with whom you interact is the proactive way to handle this. Be a moving target!
You can also find ways to busy yourself at a party or gathering that allow you time alone -- helping out in the kitchen, passing hors d'oeuvres, taking out the wrapping paper trash and garbage, taking coats and wraps to the bedroom, or disappearing to the playroom with the children are some options.

Another part of the holidays that's stressful for everyone but may be more so for introverts is when multiple family appearances are required on one day, such as hitting every relative's house on Christmas Day. Best to establish the policy that you're going to do it one year at a time -- this year this house, next year the next.

There are many things introverts can do to help themselves enjoy the holidays more. Get proactive and make decisions early on!

Making Christmas Dinner More Festive

"But Susan," you say, "Why would I be worried about making Christmas dinner more 'festive'? It's a family tradition my kids are sick on Christmas, my in-laws are staying with us for a week, I have to work Christmas Eve, and I've promised the maid the week off, ha ha. What I'm worried about is getting it to the table at all."

Oh, for many reasons, I reply. Because of the memories, because it's soothing and fun, if you work it right (read on), because it looks so nice and is so appreciated it can make up for other things you could let slip. There are many reasons.

So hang on, here we go. All these tips are sort of like "sleight of hand." They're things you can do while you have to be in the kitchen anyway type of things. They're relaxing even. Trust me!

And the "oohs" and "aahs" will be oh-so-energizing. They're affordable, too. This Christmas-tree shaped butter (see above) cost a couple of bucks at the grocery and who's going to notice what's sitting next to it?

Here are some ways to dress up the traditional Christmas table.

PIE CRUST

Make your usual pie crust, 2-crust version. OK, who am I kidding. Buy the frozen ones. Thaw them and dump them out of their original tins, combine several (they're too skimpy I think), roll them out, begin all over again.

Line the pie tin, put in the filling, then roll out the second crust and cut shapes using cookie cutters, or cut out shapes free-form with a sharp knife. First one doesn't work? Pie dough is very forgiving. Roll it up and start again. Your "second chances" are infinite. You could also use something from a child's coloring book for a pattern.

If you don't have cookie cutters, cut out 3 rounds for holly berries using a bottle cap, and cut out some spiky holly leaves with a knife.

If you have the time and the inclination, when the pie is baked and cooled, then use frosting to decorate your crust. Of course this is frosting from a can or tube you bought. On another planet, in another lifetime, you'll make the frosting. Buy the plastic tips and plastic pastry bag so you can just throw them away.

Repeat after me -- if it's pretty, it, like the well-chosen dress, can hide a multitude of sins. Get some candies 'n' stuff, like licorice for Santa's belt. I'd come home from working the Christmas Eve church service, you know a bit weary, and my sons would come in the kitchen to watch and "help out." It was cozy. Memories.

Any kind of liquor goes well with any kind of fruit pie, so splash a little um in the pumpkin pie, or a little cognac in the cherry.

Or do the usual-only-very-different. Make a frozen pumpkin chiffon pie. The virtue of that is -- you guessed it --it can be done so far ahead of time. Then at serving time, crumble candy canes and sprinkle them on top. Don't know who helps you at your house, but I had sons, and they loved to put the canes in waxed paper and then whack it with the rolling pin. Festive Family Fun at the Dunn household. Me 'n' the boys.

I hope by now you're beginning to see that we are playing and enjoying ourselves as much as anything.

CANDY CANES

Candy canes go so well with chocolate. You can make a chocolate dessert, like that instant pudding concoction with dream whip that kids like so much. Email me if you don't have that recipe. Then sprinkle candy canes atop.

SWEET POTATOES

Mash canned yams and place in Pyrex. Then whip up meringue nice and stiff, with lots of sugar. Beating things is therapeutic as well, and the kids are fascinated by the process. ("Is it ready yet?")

Circle the bowl with the meringue, and then make dollops on top with peaks. Then you can (1) sprinkle it with colored sprinkles, or (2) in the center put 3 maraschino cherries and some pineapple leaves, like holly. Or put marshmallows around the rim and decoration in the middle. In your next reincarnation you will make Martha's
homemade marshmallows and put them on top.

BOULE DE NIEGE

Simple, cheap, elegant-looking, quick, do-ahead treat. Yay!

Use seasonal ice cream -- peppermint, coconut, eggnog, pistachio. Let the ice cream soften and scoop it into a round Pyrex® that you've greased lightly with Pam®. Put it in the freezer until well frozen again. (Don't you love the things you can do in stages? Maybe at this point you'll need to run the dog to the vet because it ate 2' of tinsel, like I did one Christmas, oh yes.)

Later ... take it out, soak the dish briefly in larger bowl of warm water till you see the ice cream melting on the edges, turn it over on a pretty serving platter, and out it comes in a ome. Tear strips of waxed paper and place them all around the plate, under the ice cream. Now whip cream till stiff, put it in pastry bag, use a tip such as Wilton 2D and pipe, pipe, pipe, little shaped blobs, each one next to the other till the mound is completely covered. Gently remove the waxed paper, wipe the serving platter with a wet rag, and place the ball back in the freezer till frozen. Once it's frozen, cover it with a bowl or wrap until ready to serve. "Boule de niege" is French for "snowball"!

If you want to use Redi-whip, you must do it right before serving because it doesn't last. How do I know? Well, it was a very sad "learning experience" involving a Christmas luncheon for my bridge group and I'll leave it at that.

Want it even easier? There's an ice cream baking kit available here: http://www.thecompleatgourmet.com/merchandise.htm .

BEEF WELLINGTON

Make a mixture of Dijon mustard red, green and white peppercorns (available here: http://www.famousfoods.com/71996.html ). Coat the beef with this before you encrust it. Put cut-out shapes on the crust as well.

MASHED POTATOES

Mash them and put them in a serving bowl. Then sprinkle just enough cayenne and parsley flakes for color. Wait a minute, I forgot we've let the maid have the week off. Use mashed potato mix, plump it into those festive individual ramekins (Williams-Sonoma has some pretty bright red ones) and bingo! Oh wait, place a star-shaped pat of butter atop each one.

SIMPLE CAKE

Bake your cake in a springform pan with a Christmas base - Christmas tree and holly patterns are available here:
http://www.happycookers.com/wc.dll/products/divulge/1-16451.html

PARFAITS

Super easy, cheap, eye-candy, and doaheadable.

X-rated Version: Fill fluted glasses with any ice cream. Drizzle green crème de menthe and chocolate over it. Add maraschino cherry - red or green. If you use red cherry, add green mint leaf.

GP-rated Version:Drizzle with hot fudge sauce and sprinkle crumbled candy cane on top.

TRIFLE

Trifle is the original LOW MAINTENANCE dessert. There are as many recipes as there are people making it. We love it because it's like that old "dump cake" recipe, remember? It just doesn't matter that much. Soak that cake in amaretto or schnapps, add what you like, layer it ... it's got cheap ingredients, it's retro-new, and the presentation! It's so NOT FRAGILE. Put it in a huge brandy snifter type container. Or put it in a Christmas tureen and smooth a layer of whipped cream on the top (use warm wet flat spatula). This makes it look like a lid and people will keep trying to pick it up and there will be finger prints all over it (and lots of laughs).

VEGIES

Put chopped red peppers in among the peas, Brussels sprouts or broccoli; stuff tomatoes with hamburger, cheese, green peppers, parsley. Cut stars out of processed cheese slices and place atop casserole.

MORE GOOD NEWS

If you did even 3 of these things, it would be "gilding the lily." Choose one or two. That's all!

I'm sure you can tell my philosophy has always been 'if I'm going to have to do it, I'm doing to make a party out of it.'

Enjoy!

What to Get Her for Christmas

Coaching is good.
Having an Angel is better.
Being an Angel is the most fun of all!

As the Christmas season approaches, take a look at the gifts Andre gives his friends:

About the Stress of The Holidays

YOU KEEP THAT PART OF YOU ON THE GRIDDLE THAT NEEDS COOKING

"Seventy percent of disease causation right now is lifestyle and environment." --Elliott Dacher, M.D.

Interesting that there was a lead article on msn.com about happiness and aging. In sum, the article said that the older you get the happier you are -- because you learn to eliminate/avoid negative situations. I think, as an EQ coach, that you learn -- by good examples and bad examples -- what works for you.

Example: My client, I'll call her Paula, is stressing out about Christmas. Yes, for those who look ahead and plan (an EQ competency), it is time to start "thinking about Christmas." What you will do, with whom, where, and how. This includes budgeting, too. Paula now has grown children. 3 live in her same town, 2 live elsewhere, and one of them has a baby. Paula was talking about Christmas mainly in terms of how much she dreaded (1) the "mandatory" Christmas Eve visit to the in-laws; (2) not enough rooms for the kids, so who has to get a hotel; (3) working things out with the otherset of parents; (4) sitting and staring at each other Christmas Day because it's the "tradition" that everyone stay at the house all day; (5) not wanting a "public" exchanging of gifts because of the different incomes and life circumstances of the grown children.

Ultimately in our coaching session, Paula discovered that she wanted to "cancel" the "old Christmas" and "do something different" -- thereby eliminating a lot of negatives -- things that had proven to be unpleasant, things that she knew stressed her. And -- I led her to articulate -- that no one really enjoyed anymore, they just "thought they had to because they always had."

Paula began to construct a Christmas she would enjoy.

At one point she used the phrase "making a virtue of a necessity." The actuality is that Christmas is going to change, e.g., the couple with the baby would not want to travel. The son in New Mexico would not be able to have time off at Christmas. Paula just didn't like cooking the whole meal herself and felt resentful about it. One of the couples was struggling financially, and could hardly afford food and shelter, much less Christmas gifts.

Paula is deciding what she will keep, and what she will change. The main thing is that she is feeling a whole better about the whole situation because she realized that she has choices.

I invite you to do the same!

There are 3 things you can do with a situation you don't like:

Change the situation
Change your attitude
Leave

REGIFTING: What's up with that (euphemism)?

REGIFTING

ARE
YOU
ABOUT
TO
GIVE
SOMEONE
A GIFT
SOMEONE
ELSE GAVE YOU?

Your coach interprets reality, situations and emotions to you with words. We all use language. It is powerful.

Several blogs ago, we listed the incredible 13 most-requested words and phrases for translation.

Now we will take another look at language. It is how we make order out of chaos (Remember the Bible ... first there was chaos, then there was the Word"?

It is also how we shape our world. Words give us power over our people, emotions and world. (Name it, tame it) Remember the change in things when your toddler learned the almighty "NO!"?

A little history ... Do you know what the word "segregation" means? A massive social and cultural upheaval took place when the word "integration" was born?

Were you around when everything you read referred to the male gender. Quotes were: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.If a person wanted to be a lay reader "he should speak to Father John." There were no female doctors, lawyers, ministers. "She" was not used unless it specifically referred to a woman.

A massive social and cultural upheaval took place when women began to demand that SHE and HER be added to the English vocabulary, and for the generic. We went through a stage of: (s)he and she/he, and "where it says "he" it should be construed to mean "she" as well, and sometimes we alternate, and sometimes use words like "an individual" It's awkward. This one has been a long, long journey for the USA and Western World.

Then in the 80s the divorce rate started rising. Suddenly we had people we had been married to and no longer were (and their parents), and then we remarried and had kids from both parents and we had ...??? A massive social and cultural upheaval lacked language, and we invented and began to use the words "ex" and "step-parent" and "blended family" and "single parent."

BTW in 1985, my friend (who was a single parent at the time) tells me that there was a Family Group at her Church, and she and her daughters were not allowed to join it. They were told "You are not a family." Ouch!

So here is a new one.

Get ready for this one.

It's a sign of the times, the long and bending back of etiquette and socially acceptable behavior, the limits of faux pas, the generational gaps, and -- some would have us believe, of hard economic times.

There is yet another new word: regifting. It is so new it did not pass my spellchecker, with or without hyphen. There is even a website called regiftable.com."

Re-gifting: It's not so taboo," is the article in the Keller Citizen, where they quote a communication specialist with Money Management International who, ungrammatically says, "More and more peple are considering all their options in gift-giving, and re-gifting is gaining popularity in that."

And of course the most obvious thing to re-gift is a gift-card. This is giant step away from knitting a sweater for you son for Christmas! Something chosen and made for exactly and only the person to whom it was given.

The article offers tips if you are going to do this -- like be sure and change the wrapping paper, and don't give it to someone who might know the someone who gave it to you.

Well, I gotta admit nearly every gift I have gotten from an employer (back when I had one), I gave to the maid, or a neighbor. The cheap hams and turkeys, the boxes of candy, the wine I wouldn't want to drink. But these aren't personal. This year I got a huge ham from one of the corporations I consult for and I don't like ham enough to have 20 lbs. of it around the house when it's only me. I knew someone else could get some use out of it. I gave it to my son. I'll admit to having done it with other things. I do, as they 'recommend,' suit the re-gift to the re-cipient. The thing is, I usually don't act like it's a real gift. I say, "I got this and blah blah and thought you might like it/could use it/would enjoy it more than me."

However at times I have gotten, say, a sweater or something from my side of the family that I knew I would never wear, but that my mother-in-law would love, so I wrapped it up again and gave it to her.

Call me a Re-Gifter?

My etiquette advice: Just do it with taste! i.e., do not let the person who gave it to you know about it, and don't tell the person you're giving it to, and be sure neither of them will find out about it. Because that would be incredibly rude.

Make it the Kind of Christmas YOU Want

Feel free to reprint this article on making the kind of Christmas YOU want to have. Please include byline and links.

Are You a Victim of Your Own Christmas?
by Susan Dunn, M.A., The EQ Coach

This article is currently appearing HERE.

We’re coming down to the wire. How’s it feeling to you? This is a time when you can process what you'll do differently next year, or a time when you can pause and remember what worked and didn't work last year ... and change what you're doing. Either way it works.

So, how is it feeling to you right now?

Why do I ask that? Well, whatever you’re celebrating, and whatever your religious orientation, Christmas is a celebration, a celebration that for many has a spiritual basis to it. That is, it’s supposed to be merry, at the least, and meaningful at the most. What’s it for you this year?

There may not be much you can do to put on the brakes now, but note how you’re feeling so you can see how it’s working for you. This has to be tested against the purpose of this celebration, which is personal to each of us, but surely it isn’t to be exhausted, stressed, hateful, resentful, materialistic, imprudent, overwhelmed, obligatory, or “just going through the motions.” If you’re feeling “the thrill is gone,” it’s time to get mindful. Don’t be the victim of your own holiday.

Remember, it’s all about choice. Intentionality is the EQ competency for the holidays. What do you intend? How do your intend to feel? What do you intend to accomplish?

If you feel like you want to stop the world and get off, take note. When Christmas is over, please process for next year.

Ask yourself:

1. What worked and what didn’t? In other words, what makes you feel good. Feeling good can be pleasure, joy, but also the feeling of a job well done.

2. What did I do out of obligation, or to keep up with the Joneses that needs to be let go next year?

3. Did I feel the way I wanted to? If not, what will I do differently next year?

4. Take each element and analyze it - - did you really enjoy it, or were you just going through the paces? Was it “because we’ve always done it this way”?

5. Is there some tradition that’s outworn its welcome? If so, you can eliminate it. Kiss it goodbye, remembering it fondly, but let it go.

6. Whether you’re a parent, grandparent, or uncle or aunt, there are children around. What kind of example are you setting? If you yell at your kid because you’re stressed out over Christmas, ho ho ho?

7. How materialistic were your gifts? How much did you bust your budget? Were you satisfied with how much you spent, or did you feel guilty, and it caused fights with your spouse? You can choose to change this next year.

8. Did you spend time the way you wanted to? Did you spend time with the people you wanted to be with? Whether or not its family, you have a choice.

9. Did you actually have time to enjoy each thing - the smells, the touches, the sights, the sounds? Or were you like a hamster on his wheel? One of my clients says she takes one night off to just sit in front of the Christmas tree looking at the lights and listening to her favorite Christmas music. (Seems like it would be nice to work in more than ONE night for that ...)

10. What part of the negatives was due to your attitude rather than external events or circumstances? Controlling your mood and emotions with emotional intelligence can add tremendously to your life, not just at Christmas time.

The best gift in life is to be able to learn from your experiences and this is a great time to apply this -- either backward, or going forward. If you don’t like what’s going on, don’t be a victim of your own circumstances or attitude. Change one or both!

About the Author

Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc . Individual coaching, business programs, Internet courses, and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your health, wealth and happiness. EQ Alive! #1 rated coach certification program, training worldwide. It’s simple, affordable, fast and has no residency requirement. Email for more information, and for fr** EQ ezine.

Let me help you with a free mini-coaching session. Email sdunn@susandunn.cc to set up your time.

Are You a Tired Christmas Angel?

ARE YOU A TIRED CHRISTMAS ANGEL?

I was talking to a woman today who told me she'd decided to break up with her boyfriend and was going to call him right away and tell him. My advice - - I wouldn't make any decision or do anything from now until after Christmas, because of the emotional energy.

We're all either:

--frazzled or numb;

--frantically busy or have given up and are sitting and staring;

--overjoyed or overgrieved;

--eating everything in sight, or refusing to eat anything in a desperate attempt to stem the tide;

--being Father Christmas, or Scrooge;

--hemorrhaging money or have put a tourniquet on it and won't spend a cent;

--working overtime (churches, therapists, physicians, jewelers and retailers, airport personnel, florists) or have nothing to do (most attorneys, dentists, weight loss clinics, car dealers, and those who do elective surgery);

--sick, or taking care of someone who's sick;

--feel like you have "too many" people in your life, or like you're "totally alone"

In other words, it's the rare person who's coasting along and "balanced". The majority of us are a bit strung out and it's no time to decide whether to marry him or not, or what to do about your career or your mother-in-law.

As one wise and over-worked young man told me, "I have planned a Christmas guaranteed to please no one," when in fact, like most of us, he was pleasing some people some of the time, including himself, and ... doing the best he can under the circumstances.

We are all doing the best we can under the circumstances, even when we clearly are not.

Most of us in the US are also coping with a rising level of dissension ee: "Christmas" and "the holidays" that makes whatever this season is to you far from the "peace and joy" it's supposed to be, which is sad.

And, it's that time of year when you long for home, even when you're home ... if you know what I mean. Just a very emotional time - - whether you're dealing with it by expressing it or stuffing it down and trying to ignore it (in which case you're likely to get a big backlash!)

So, please take a moment to relax, breathe deeply, and enjoy something just for you -- a massage, a warm bath, or maybe a beautiful piece of music.

Music can be wonderfully therapeutic with many proven health benefits. Music goes straight to the pleasure center, and for many people is the truest form of joy and relaxation.

It's equally important to guard your health. Please bolster your immune system against the ravages of December, January and February, which brings flu, viruses, bacterial infections such as pneumonia, SAD - - seasonal affective disorder and depression. We eat wrong, do too much, stress out, try and fend off allergies, don't get enough sunlight, forget to exercise and miss our outdoor sports (in the northern hemisphere), and are around other people and their germs!

(Did you know that the telephone in your office, or your desk or anyone else's, has more germs per sq. inch than the toilet in the office restroom??) (cite: Clorox study)

Products such as Arbonne's DefenseBuilder and Get Well Soon Dietary Supplement, scientifically proven to nutritionally support your immune system, are essential. Particularly important if you're vulnerable - old, young, chronically ill, depressed, stressed, or around sick people.

Your immune system is your FIRST line of defense against bacteria, and your ONLY line of defense against viruses, like flu and bird flu. Ask your doctor.

Get your rest, tired angel, and where others are concerned, step lightly!

Consider taking The EQ Course. The EQ Course also makes a wonderful gift for a friend, colleague or loved on.

About the Author
©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc . Individual coaching, Internet courses, ebooks, EQ Alive! program for your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health. Coach training and certification program, training coaches worldwide - fast, effective affordable program with no residency requirement. Now you can shop with Susan online at My Arbonne for neutraceuticals that bolster your immune system and support your wellness. "What you put on your skin gets absorbed into your bloodstream".

Good Advice for Holiday Stress

Who do you want to be this holiday season? HOW do you want to be? Emotional Intelligence -- that's the key. Free coaching mini-sessions during the month of December. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc to schedule your time.

_____________________________________________

Rx for Health , Dr. Susan E. AllenEagle-Tribune—

Several years ago, my husband and I and our college-age children gathered for Thanksgiving dinner around a big table in the home of out-of-state relatives. The details aren't vital, but what is important is that when the four of us left to drive home, we apparently couldn't wait to get in the car and let out a collective and negative "Ahhhhh!"

While the food was great, and we all had more than enough, the mood during the day had been very different from what we would have hoped for on this day of gratitude and thanks. We slipped into disappointment, negativity, even judgment.

We criticized one cousin for talking about himself the whole time, expressed anger at distasteful comments, and generally agreed that this was not a pleasant time for us.

I will always remember that Thanksgiving, and in the years since then, I have not been proud of my own reactions to it. In fact, some of those cousins, aunts and uncles present may well have been just as critical of our ways. This is not unusual among families. It doesn't take a professional to realize the heightened emotional energy that many of us feel at various family gatherings, including weddings, summer vacations, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Hanukkah. There is arguably nothing more predictable in the field of mental health than the stresses and emotional upheaval that arise every November and December.

As we get older, there are even more new challenges during the holidays. Aging parents. Parents or siblings who have died. New "significant others" in the lives of sons and daughters. Children who have grown and moved away and are not able to be at home for the holidays. Perhaps the pain of divorce or the energy of a newly blended family.

We are challenged over and over again to face difficult relationships along with the easier ones. We are challenged to engage with people who bring out the less likable parts of ourselves as well as those who bring out the best in us. We are challenged to seek reconciliation and acceptance, as well as to feel gratitude.

So, who do you want to be in your family this holiday season? Here are four steps to consider as you anticipate your holiday gatherings:

* Try to have realistic expectations. Marsha Linehan, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington, encourages "making friends with reality." Have realistic expectations of what can change and what cannot. This might include learning to live with hurt or pain, and even allowing it to be the catalyst for a transformation of some kind. Approaching a family event this way will likely lead to less disappointment and some nice surprises.

* Use your emotional intelligence. Notice your feelings and manage them in healthy ways. Our emotions give us good information about ourselves, but it's best not to act on all of them. Notice other people's emotions, too. Can you understand why they might feel the way they do? Can you experience both detachment and empathy in your relationships?

* Be values-based. What are your most important values? How are you acting on them or honoring them in your interactions and behaviors? As we get older, we are called to greater depth, integrity and honesty. When you look within, what is really important? Is your demeanor aligned with your core values?

* Lighten up. Is there a chance you can walk away from this year's family gathering and say, "Wow! That was so much fun!"? Think about what would need to happen for you to have those feelings. What steps can you take to make this a possibility? Imagine the even greater possibilities if you share these thoughts with others. Embrace the goal of making this holiday season even just a bit more enjoyable than you had anticipated.

Dr. Susan E. Allen is a life coach and licensed psychologist in Newburyport who specializes in the second half of life. To learn more, visit http://www.secondhalfcoaching.com/.

Help for the Holidays

I'm noticing a usual trend in the emailbag these days -- family get-togethers being disturbing.
One theme is sibling rivalry -- how YOU handle your sisters/brothers, or how the parent is supposed to.

One person wrote me that their family Thanksgivings always ended in a fight. Last year the two brothers (both grown adults) broke the china cabinet in the living room in a physical fight. Other families fight verbally, or with silence and innuendos.

There's a lot of tension that makes it unpleasant for all.

Another man told me that he was going to get a hotel room this time, so he would have a place to get away to. He told me about the hostility between some of the women in his family.

HERE IS SOME HELP WHERE YOU NEED IT MOST.

Here's an online course to help you through the holidays.
YOU LOVE THEM - NOW LEARN HOW TO GET ALONG WITH THEM

Step-by-step practical help with dealing with the difficult people in your life. Just in time for the holidays. This Internet course covers all Difficult Types.

"I noticed an improvement right away." -- Andrea

"Finally, now, I the "people pleaser" can enjoy MYself too." -- Shelley

$89.99 - Click HERE to order this new ONLINE COURSE INTERACTIVE for instant empowerment. It will be emailed to you.

Thanksgiving - Holiday Manners and Emotional Intelligence

Thanksgiving Dinner Etiquette- Holiday Manners
How to be a great Thanksgiving Guest, and have a more enjoyable time! It's all about emotional intelligence.

From the article:

The days of dining by plucking fruit from trees and roasting small animals over the fire, eating with fingers, and perhaps fighting with others over the scraps are long gone. Or are they? More and more we swing our car through the drive-in, grab our food from the window, and proceed to eat with our fingers, so perhaps you need a brush-up on the basics of formal – shall we say “civilized” dining – before the great Thanksgiving feast.

Rules of civilized dining evolved because, according to Margaret Visser (“Rituals of Dinner”), “animals are slaughtered and consumed, the guest-host relationship is … a complicated interweaving of the imposition of obligation and the suspension of hostility, and the ordinary table knife is related to actual weapons of war.”

email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . You may wish to take the Difficult People course in preparation for the holidays. It's on the Internet, with practical tips to get you through.

The holidays are a great time to increase your emotional intelligence, because you will get lots of opportunities. :-)

Dear Santa, please get my parents to calm down.

Dear Santa,

Please get my parents to calm down and quit fighting. They're yelling at me for no reason. I thought it was supposed to be a happy time. Please help.
Love, [Your Child?]

ARE YOU GETTING STRUNG OUT?

I serve as Step-Parenting Expert for a major website, and the emails for advice are pouring in. The phone is also ringing off the hook on the coaching side, as Christmas nears. It's a time a lot of people have begun to dread.

If you're overwhelmed, give me a call. Give yourself a break -- a coaching break. Special for the season - $50 per call.

It's really hard on the kids when their parents are getting spaced out, frantic, impatient, short-tempered, and so forth. You owe it to yourself, your family and your co-workers to get yourself "under management." It's a shame to be having such an awful time when it's supposed to be a happy time. This really confuses kids! The Christmas breaks will be here soon, and they'll be out of school, so get proactive. Give me a call.

I have lots of tips, and lots of experience. I also have blocked off lots of time. So give me a call. (817) 741-7223. You can email before to make sure and set a time just for you. sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Why not learn some ways to get this Christmas thing more manageable and enjoyable? That's what emotional intelligence is all about and it can be learned. Good news! There's help.

Check out my article, HOW TO LEARN WHAT YOU NEED TO LEARN IN ORDER TO SUCCEED, on the Reading Skills Blog.

Christmas with Emotional Intelligence

It used to be the 3 of you against the world...................what happened?

You love them. Now learn how to get along with them for the holidays.

Take the How to Handle Difficult People course. Internet,unltd email. $79.99. Could be the best money you ever spent.

IT'S A TEST, WINTER IS.

Imagine way back when in the time of myth, when there was no written history, people didn't live to count the passing of many seasons, and there wasn't much sense of "history" or "time." The Greeks invented the myth of Apollo drawing the sun across the sky each day so they could manage their fears that the each night the sun would disappear and never come back. They were dependent on the sun for everything and they went through this every day.

They invented the myth of Persephone to deal with the seasons. When winter came, and the days grew dark and cold, and all the vegetation died, on which their lives depended, there weren't that many people around who'd lived through enough seasons to be able to guarantee the winter wouldn't last goever. Persephone went down to Hades each fall, symbolizing this, and then would return to the land in the spring - and the world would rejoice with sun, warmth and new growth -- for food.

In this season as we gather to wait
in the darkness of winter nights
for Light to come,
may our hearts be filled with joy and promise.

We gather together at this time of the year, the Winter Solstice, and there is a holiday at this time of year for most cultures. Why? So we could gather with our kinfolk and relatives at Christmas and warm our toes at their fire.

If it's gotten a bit cold and dark for you, take the How to Handle Difficult People course and bring back the glow.

Learn how to stop the MADness. Harmful patterns in families run deep last a long time, and can be intensely annoying - unless someone quits doing what they've been doing. Then the whole system has to change.

Why not let it be you? GET YOURSELF MERRIED THIS YEAR.

Click here to register and pay for this interactive Internet course. ___________________________________________________________
GET YOURSELF MARRIED THIS YEAR

Relationship Coaching with Susan Dunn
Attract the man of your dreams . Get him back. Get him to marry you instead of ...
Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc to schedule your coaching or call (817) 741-7223.
Susan is the "Attract the Man of Your Dreams" Expert for Expert.com, and also the Step-Parenting Expert. We've got you covered! Merry Christmas!