Losing Your Composure

Here it is again, in some advice about dating men. This is about the emotional intelligence competency of self-awareness.

Yes, it's bad enough to lose your composure, but it's really bad to lose your composure and have no idea why. This particularly comes up in pressure situations such as job interviews, relationships discussions, and dating.

If you find yourself losing your composure
too often, letting your emotions take over and
regretting it too often after the fact... and
you're starting to recognize that not all of
what you're doing and choosing to do with a man
is totally CONSCIOUS... then it's time you took
the time and the steps to take care of what's
going on INSIDE YOU first.

If you'd like to increase your COMPOSURE, you need to increase the emotional intelligence competency of self-awareness. Let me coach you. Call me at 817-734-1471 or email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and let's get started now. I am a certified EQ (emotional intelligence) coach.

How Grandparents Help Kids, and Kids with ADHD

Are you the cure for ADHD?

I quote this in full from Dr. William B. Ferril. To receive his
House Calls eletter click on the link.

It's sad to see what happens to the children in our lives when they are forced to take mood-altering drugs.

I've always believed those drugs should be dumped and buried at the bottom of a deep hole, because there are real, natural and healthy alternatives that can help children diagnosed with conditions like Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

Now, a new study finds another alternative therapy that could help many children: grandparents.

That's right – if you're a grandparent, you might be able to treat a troubled child better than any medication.

What could be more natural than that?

The study, published in the Journal of Family Psychology, was based on interviews with 1,515 kids between the ages of 11 and 16 in England and Wales. The researchers found that the more these children spoke with their grandparents, the less likely they were to be troubled. They were also less likely to exhibit behavioral problems such as hyperactivity and disruptiveness. What's more, they got along better with other children.

You know what I like best about this one? It didn't matter one whit what those conversations were about. A kid asking a grandparent for a little spending money had the same impact as coming to them for sagely advice. In other words, it was the mere interaction with the grandparent that had these amazing effects.

Having a healthy relationship with a grandparent helped kids across all family structures. But the researchers found it was especially beneficial to kids going through traumatic family changes, like divorce or separation. Adolescents in single-parent households or stepfamilies adjusted to those situations far better when they could lean on Grandma or Grandpa.

So when you're spending time with a grandchild, you may be doing more than just spoiling them. You may be treating them. And the side effects you bring include love, affection, attention, and wisdom.

There's something you can't put in a bottle.

This memo is more important to parents than grandparents, because grandparents just naturally fill this role, if allowed to. Yes, grandchildren and grandparents have their own form of conversations. Let them! It helps. P.S. I think it's about "enduring" as well as love, affection, attention and wisdom. But then that's wisdom.

Survivor Guilt in the Workplace because of Layoffs

"While it is true that some business schools around the country are now incorporating emotional intelligence (EQ) skill development into their curriculum, millions of managers still have never been taught how to deal with the emotional elements of management. Even though most managers are enlightened enough to reject the outdated notion that emotions are to be avoided, they may lack the skills to provide adequate emotional support."

Nick Tasler, Overcoming Survivors' Guilt with EQ

Tasler has written a good white paper about the emotional climate in organizations today, framing it as "survivors' guilt". Tasler postulates that those who remain in an organization after many have been terminated, feel guilty rather than lucky. Which is understandable.

Tasler states that "A recent Accenture study found that 66 percent of managers believe that economic concerns are distracting employees and hampering productivity."

But guilty or lucky, there is still a lingering anxiety ... if they were fired will I be next? Who can be sure in today's workforce?

We don't leave our "emotions" at home when we come to work. And many of us, workers as well as managers, have not had good emotional intelligence training. If you'd like to learn more, take The EQ COurse(tm) online, with email support, or sign up for the course + coaching. Email me at sdun@susandunn.cc for more information.

Another emotion that is afloat in the workplace today is missing the people who are gone. What was once a team, is now missing members.

I remember years ago working for an ailing agency. It began with a workforce that included two of the best work-friends I've ever had. As the agency got worse (poor management), they left, and then for me, "it wasn't the same." Was I distracted and less productive? Certainly at first. I lost a lot of my enthusiasm. We were raising funds, and that always takes a supportive environment. I got the same work done, but it required a lot more energy. That amounts to "stress."

Layoffs also mean that there is more work for those left behind, and longer hours, and more stress. I've never seen it otherwise. I remember another job where I made the cut and even got a title change, and I was thrilled. Then it dawned on me. With XXX gone, who was going to do their work? Me. And for no extra pay.

It's for sure that workers today need emotional support in the workplace. If you're a manager, you can't afford to miss 'the elephant in the living room.' CHANGE is the watchword, and change is always an emotional thing. The typical worker today may be juggling the following:

• Anxiety about his or her own job
• A spouse who has been laid off
• Having to change mode of transportation - carpooling or taking mass transit
• Problems affording childcare
• Having to eat differenyly, i.e., bring lunch instead of eating out
• Missing team members and the camaderie and expertise they provided
• Dealing with others who are stressed, including their managers and CEOs
• Having to move because of foreclosure or rising cost of apartment

The list could go on an on. There are also the continuing emotional things to deal with. I consulted with a manager this morning whose employee's husband is dying.

How do you deal with the important undercurrents that our emotional lives bring to the workplace? Learn more. Learn how to turn the tide and make the emotions work for you. Take The EQ Course and learn more about emotional intelligence - handling your emotions and those of others.

Think it doesn't belong in the workplace? Think again. "Emotion" and "motivation" come from the same root word, meaning "move." As we say, Motivation is not a THINKING word.

Learn more! Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and visit The EQ Course.

Coaching for Effective Fathering

Helping Men Succeed, Mark Brandenburg

In the emailbag today, from our favorite coach for Dads, Mark Brandenburg, who coaches emotional intelligence as well:

Do you have a child that’s misbehaving? This isn’t a child that wants to misbehave; It’s a child that is discouraged. Give him or her encouragement, and allow them a chance to contribute in meaningful ways to the family.

Let them know when they’ve behaved the way you’d like them to. And, spell out clearly what you expect from their behavior.

Kids don’t want to misbehave just to bother you. They do it for a reason - to feel more important, or to get more attention for themselves.

Do you want more misbehavior? Then punish him or her, and see what you get.

Warmly,
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC
mark@eqnow.org
http://www.markbrandenburg.com/
http://www.eqnow.org/
Phone (+1)
651-766-9976 "Helping Men Succeed"

On Your Journey through Life, Take with you a Child with Eyes of Wonder

The Blessings of Dumb Childlike Wonder is the name of the article. By Garrison Keillor. He wrote it on December 23rd.

On the left, bright, freckle-faced girl finds the wonder in the ole webcam.

Keillor's article begins:

"It is the blessed Christmas season. But of course you know that. Unless you live ten miles up a box canyon deep in the Wasatch Range with only your dog Boomer and are demented from drinking bad water, you are inhaling Christmas night and day and "Adeste Fideles" is stuck in your head like a five-inch nail.This Christmas I am in New York for the general dazzlement and variety." For the rest of the article, go here.

I can relate.

When the frenzy of my fellow Americans (ahh, LBJ) reaches a fever pitch, so unlike peace and joy, so unlike ... Christmas ... I choose to go on a Caribbean cruise every year the second week or so in December. The ships are always tastefully decorated AND anything Christmas is UNDER-stated. This particular cruise, on the Carnival's Ecstasy offered the kind of rate I like, and I can drive to Galveston easily enough. Most fun of all, we were re-routed from Cozumel (been there, done that) to Progreso, which features one of the 7 wonders of the world, Chichan Itza. How could we get so lucky?

But I digress.

Anyway, on this annual trip, I like to take a child. Or let's say, someone who has never cruised before.

I have seen many Christmasses. I have also been on many cruises. To see anything in the eyes of a child, is a wonder to me unlike any other. "What's this?" "Can I go here?" What are they doing over there?" "They said 'muster.' What's that?" "Oh look! That towel!" I have seen 100 towels folded like 100 things; through her eyes, it was a wonder again for me, like the first time.

And they always point out new things to me. This year's invited guest, a charming young lady, asked some interesting questions. We were seated for dinner with a couple and their daughter, about 25 years old, who, they said, "Had the mind of a 6 year old."

Now the dinner seating on a cruise is always fun. You can request a table for 2, 4, up to 10, but nothing is guaranteed. I have sat with people where I requested to be moved the next night. (There was someone at the table who was obviously an alcoholic and got so drunk the first night, he had to be removed by the staff, and, as our guide in Progreso said, "When the puking begins, the fun is over.")

I have also sat at a table where THEY asked to be moved. We showed up the next night to an empty table, save for ourselves. The husbands had been flirting with my beautiful sister. The wives requested a move.

So I mentioned that we might move to another table, or maybe this family would not come back.
Our sensitive young miss looked puzzled and said, "Is it because of their daughter that you want to be moved?"

"No," I said. It's because this is like being at a new school, where there are potential friends everywhere, and if we had different dinner companions each night, who knows whom we might meet. Maybe a nice teenage boy your age??"

But back to Keillor's article. I had the same sort of upbringing ... for many years refusing to indulge myself in any number of things. Debtors' prison ... straw mat ... well, actually in my family it was "Eat your dinner. There are children starving in Africa." But this annual cruise ... ahhh, I have learned to indulge. I sometimes order two entrees. Ahhh, the decadence of it all.

There's also a bit of the Keillor in me in that Christmas party (dinner on the cruise) thing he wrote about. "It isn't fun to stand around making small talk with other people's friends as they anesthetize themselves," he wrote. For me, an interesting dinner table conversation is part of ETIQUETTE, part of EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE. And boy did our Little Miss shine. Her parents have done a sterling job. And my beautiful sister outdid herself, as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside, coming up with question after comment after question, to keep the thing going.

But after a two-hour dinner, the family we were with seemed to have exhausted any interesting conversation, and I was hoping to try something new. That's all.

Our young companion's question reminded me how often people have erroneous assumptions (and how smart of her to check it out), and likewise, how often I fail to communicate in the most effective manner.

Which is what Emotional Intelligence is all about.

This is something that I have had to work on for many years. Maybe it's that background, Keillor and I share, at least in part. When I have to focus -- and I was "in charge" of the whole trip, I get VERY focused. How many times a child has said to me, "Are you mad at me?" And I explain. This taught me to explain TO ADULTS AS WELL. Something like, "I need to focus on this now. I am going to switch gear (are you ready?) Because there are some important details and I want this part of the trip to go well. I'm not angry at anyone or anything. I am just concentrating. Okay?"

Adults rarely ask that kind of question, but they may be making assumptions, and wanting answers.

However, there was the benefit banquet I was heading and we were setting up at the hotel ... 200 people expected, decorations hadn't shown up ... cook was screaming about timing ... my feet hurt ... I was UBER focused. OK. Stressed.

And from nowhere appeared a Mexican waiter who took me in his arms and said, "Let's dance" and took me across the floor, around the tables, and made me laugh.

Now THAT'S emotional intelligence.

P.S. For THE WONDER, it doesn't have to be a child. I stood on the deck of a ship once not long ago next to a young man about 30 years old who quietly said. "I have never seen an ocean before."

It changes one's perspective.

Behind that Frigid North Wind

It's been very cold here in Dallas the past two days. Yesterday there was a strong freezing wind. I left for an appointment in the morning before dark, and saw people out walking their dogs at 5:45 a.m. in the freezing cold and wondered how they could stand it. Later at a meeting, I listened to everyone talk about how awful it was, how cold, too soon, the wind whipping up the dreaded cedar pollen (no joke!), it had been such a beautiful fall, I'm freezing and I HATE THE COLD.

Of course this is nothing compared to what goes on in the North. But the people at the meeting were all natives to the Metroplex.


Just a thought ... behind that frigid air, and whipping wind, and those piles of snow we have to remove from the driveway is this. If only we had eyes to see.

You never know what you're missing from your perspective!

Graphics from the beautiful "Little Book of Snowflakes," by Kenneth Lebrecht, photos used with permission.

This book would make a great Christmas present. Order it at discount HERE. Click HERE to see what a snowfall "really" looks like.

For the holidays - keep things in perspective. It's the Emotionally Intelligent thing to do.

Make it the Kind of Christmas YOU Want

Feel free to reprint this article on making the kind of Christmas YOU want to have. Please include byline and links.

Are You a Victim of Your Own Christmas?
by Susan Dunn, M.A., The EQ Coach

This article is currently appearing HERE.

We’re coming down to the wire. How’s it feeling to you? This is a time when you can process what you'll do differently next year, or a time when you can pause and remember what worked and didn't work last year ... and change what you're doing. Either way it works.

So, how is it feeling to you right now?

Why do I ask that? Well, whatever you’re celebrating, and whatever your religious orientation, Christmas is a celebration, a celebration that for many has a spiritual basis to it. That is, it’s supposed to be merry, at the least, and meaningful at the most. What’s it for you this year?

There may not be much you can do to put on the brakes now, but note how you’re feeling so you can see how it’s working for you. This has to be tested against the purpose of this celebration, which is personal to each of us, but surely it isn’t to be exhausted, stressed, hateful, resentful, materialistic, imprudent, overwhelmed, obligatory, or “just going through the motions.” If you’re feeling “the thrill is gone,” it’s time to get mindful. Don’t be the victim of your own holiday.

Remember, it’s all about choice. Intentionality is the EQ competency for the holidays. What do you intend? How do your intend to feel? What do you intend to accomplish?

If you feel like you want to stop the world and get off, take note. When Christmas is over, please process for next year.

Ask yourself:

1. What worked and what didn’t? In other words, what makes you feel good. Feeling good can be pleasure, joy, but also the feeling of a job well done.

2. What did I do out of obligation, or to keep up with the Joneses that needs to be let go next year?

3. Did I feel the way I wanted to? If not, what will I do differently next year?

4. Take each element and analyze it - - did you really enjoy it, or were you just going through the paces? Was it “because we’ve always done it this way”?

5. Is there some tradition that’s outworn its welcome? If so, you can eliminate it. Kiss it goodbye, remembering it fondly, but let it go.

6. Whether you’re a parent, grandparent, or uncle or aunt, there are children around. What kind of example are you setting? If you yell at your kid because you’re stressed out over Christmas, ho ho ho?

7. How materialistic were your gifts? How much did you bust your budget? Were you satisfied with how much you spent, or did you feel guilty, and it caused fights with your spouse? You can choose to change this next year.

8. Did you spend time the way you wanted to? Did you spend time with the people you wanted to be with? Whether or not its family, you have a choice.

9. Did you actually have time to enjoy each thing - the smells, the touches, the sights, the sounds? Or were you like a hamster on his wheel? One of my clients says she takes one night off to just sit in front of the Christmas tree looking at the lights and listening to her favorite Christmas music. (Seems like it would be nice to work in more than ONE night for that ...)

10. What part of the negatives was due to your attitude rather than external events or circumstances? Controlling your mood and emotions with emotional intelligence can add tremendously to your life, not just at Christmas time.

The best gift in life is to be able to learn from your experiences and this is a great time to apply this -- either backward, or going forward. If you don’t like what’s going on, don’t be a victim of your own circumstances or attitude. Change one or both!

About the Author

Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc . Individual coaching, business programs, Internet courses, and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your health, wealth and happiness. EQ Alive! #1 rated coach certification program, training worldwide. It’s simple, affordable, fast and has no residency requirement. Email for more information, and for fr** EQ ezine.

Let me help you with a free mini-coaching session. Email sdunn@susandunn.cc to set up your time.

The stock market and the media

Picking up the paper at the corner store this morning, a man and I stared at the sensationalistic headlines again.

I said, "I wish they wouldn't report it this way."

He said, "Perception."

On that note, watch your emotional reaction to the falling stock market and economic crisis. Notice what pulls it. Notice how you react and manage it.

If you want to learn more about your emotional intelligence, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

"...the common eye sees only the outside of things, and judges by that, but the seeing eye pierces through and reads the heart and the soul, finding there capacities which the outside didn't indicate or promise, and which the other kind couldn't detect."----Personal Recollections of Joan of Arc


"One frequently only finds out how really beautiful a really beautiful woman is after considerable acquaintance with her; and the rule applies to Niagara Falls, to majestic mountains, and to mosques--especially to mosques."-----Mark Twain

Markets are Fearful ... and so are you?

Stocks tumble despite rate cut ... market remains fearful ...

As the headlines continue announcing worldwide economic turmoil, millions of dollars lost to retirement funds and IRAs, photos of The Great Depression, continued falls in the US stock market, it's hard not to feel anxiety.

Combine this with whatever else is going on in your own individual situation beyond the financial -- fear of layoff, decline in business, mother-in-law problems, divorce, mri, new boss ... and you have layers of anxiety.

A full-blown anxiety attack includes body aches and pains, headaches, upset stomach, chest pains, tingling sensations in the extremities, changes in eye patterns, dizziness, disturbed sleep, inability to concentrate, the urge to run ... and more.

We know that there is overwhelming evidence that our state of mind (emotions) affects our immune system, blood pressure, our ability to heal well after an accident or surgery, and our health in general. 5 minutes of anger suppresses the immune system for up to 8 hours. What does chronic, unending anxiety do?

The old and venerable (1967) Holmes and Rahe study on stress (which, incidentally, does not list many of the stressors we have in 2008), observed that if your stressors hit a certain level, you are likely to experience a serious illness.

Miller and Rahe (1997) observed that cancer is more prevalent among divorced, separated individuals that for married adults. I would add, from experience, that is may also be more prevalent among unhappily married individuals.

During anxiety and stress, the white blood cell (our immune system) count goes down.

This would be a good time to learn more about emotional intelligence. As Candace Pert, Ph.D., said, our emotions live in every cell of our body.

What can you do about it? Let me help you. Come and find out.

Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc to learn about various EQ programs, options, coaching and Internet courses. Ways to help you get through this tense time ... and next one, and the next one.