How Grandparents Help Kids, and Kids with ADHD

Are you the cure for ADHD?

I quote this in full from Dr. William B. Ferril. To receive his
House Calls eletter click on the link.

It's sad to see what happens to the children in our lives when they are forced to take mood-altering drugs.

I've always believed those drugs should be dumped and buried at the bottom of a deep hole, because there are real, natural and healthy alternatives that can help children diagnosed with conditions like Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

Now, a new study finds another alternative therapy that could help many children: grandparents.

That's right – if you're a grandparent, you might be able to treat a troubled child better than any medication.

What could be more natural than that?

The study, published in the Journal of Family Psychology, was based on interviews with 1,515 kids between the ages of 11 and 16 in England and Wales. The researchers found that the more these children spoke with their grandparents, the less likely they were to be troubled. They were also less likely to exhibit behavioral problems such as hyperactivity and disruptiveness. What's more, they got along better with other children.

You know what I like best about this one? It didn't matter one whit what those conversations were about. A kid asking a grandparent for a little spending money had the same impact as coming to them for sagely advice. In other words, it was the mere interaction with the grandparent that had these amazing effects.

Having a healthy relationship with a grandparent helped kids across all family structures. But the researchers found it was especially beneficial to kids going through traumatic family changes, like divorce or separation. Adolescents in single-parent households or stepfamilies adjusted to those situations far better when they could lean on Grandma or Grandpa.

So when you're spending time with a grandchild, you may be doing more than just spoiling them. You may be treating them. And the side effects you bring include love, affection, attention, and wisdom.

There's something you can't put in a bottle.

This memo is more important to parents than grandparents, because grandparents just naturally fill this role, if allowed to. Yes, grandchildren and grandparents have their own form of conversations. Let them! It helps. P.S. I think it's about "enduring" as well as love, affection, attention and wisdom. But then that's wisdom.

Whole-Brained Grandparenting

Some play-doh. Now that' s a nice toy!

This article I wrote is currently appearing on Perfectionist Leibniz. It is called "Whole-Brained Grandparenting."

Expecting your first grandchild?

I remember when I received the phone call that my firstborn was expecting his first. My head and my heart were full. I remembered back when we had placed that phone call to our parents. I had expected hoots and hollers on the phone, and instead there was a long silence. Now I know what was going through their minds! We lived miles from family and existed on my paltry earnings while my husband was in med-school, and they were worried.

It has been said that procreation best belongs to the young and impulsive because after a certain age, you'd never have the nerve to have children.

"When you have children," my mother told me, "you become a hostage to fortune." She may have misquoted, in a way fitting to her caring personality. I've also heard, "When you have children, you give hostages to fortune." We who have parented long enough to have a child able to produce a child know all about this. As the sign in my local plant nursery so succinctly puts it: "There is no guarantee on the life of this plant, or of any other life on this planet."

Our hearts and minds are full because the job of parenting doesn't end when they leave home. It must become more subtle as we allow our adult children to make their own decisions, but our influence remains and there are information and wisdom to impart. Thus the call for whole-brained grandparenting.

For instance, your adult child may read the same financial advice article for new parents that I just came upon, which contained the following: "At a glance the question of whether one spouse should quit work [and stay home] is clear cut: If the spouse earns only enough to cover child care costs, staying at home probably makes sense." Looking further yielded only that "benefits" were often 35% of the salary package.

Like the mythological Cerberus, who guarded the gates to the Underworld (metaphorically, the things just below the level of cognition), I have three heads, and all 3 were wagging: (1) the heart that feels a baby benefits most when cared for by its parent; (2) the head that thinks the article-writer was irresponsible not to point out this wasn't a decision to make strictly on the basis of finances; and, (3) the whole-brained EQ coach who believes important decisions require EQ as well as IQ.

So what gifts will you give the new baby? As a grandparent, our parenting modeling continues. Our choice of gifts will say a lot.

Do you rush out and buy the $300 stuffed duckie or take care of half their Wish List at Toys R Us? Or do you symbolically get the show on the road for Responsible Parenting? The birth of the first child signals a huge transition - taking on the emotional and financial responsibility for a new life. You want to oversee, in a respectful and hands-off fashion, that all the bases get touched.

Financially, here are some topics you might bring up:

1. A parent must have a will, unless you want "the Court" deciding who raises your child (the Guardian), and who administers the finances (the Executor). They need not, and often should not, be the same person.

2. Insurance. Some "rules of thumb":

• You insure the life of someone according to their ability to provide income. This doesn't include babies.
• An adult in their 20s, 30s, and 40s is statistically far more likely to need disability insurance than life insurance.
• Group insurance plans through jobs aren't portable. Individual policies are.
  

3. College education. 529s are great - you can use any state's plan and the beneficiary can attend school in any state - but college is "gravy." Like they say on the airplane -- apply your own oxygen mask first; then your child's. An 18 year old can, if necessary, provide her own college funding. The higher priority for the parents (and the future benefit of their children) is to provide for their own retirement.

4. Uniform Gifts to Minors. Do they (or you) want to establish a savings account in the child's name? As a grandparent, I doubt you do - it reverts to the child's sole discretion at age 18 or 21, and you know this is putting a weapon in the hands of a child, but your grown children may not. Best-case scenario, your 18 year old grandson argues with his parents about whether to spend the $200,000 on college or living for a year in Tahiti with his girl-friend. Worst-case scenario, he just does it; it's his money.

5. The $600 matching crib set. Can the baby exist without it? I imagine yours did!

Giving the gift of sitting down and going over the realities is not very glamorous, but then neither is changing diapers. Your daughter may have her head in the clouds, and her husband, his feet on the ground, or vice versa; or both may be in either position together. You, on the other hand, can see and share the big picture.

What if you gave them a giant stuffed duckie and tied around its neck some gift coupons -- a paid visit to your trusted lawyer; tuition to a parenting seminar; a year's supply of maid or lawn service; and a 3-night cruise during the first year with you babysitting back home? Scaled to your income, of course.

My grandmother was very loving, very practical, and also very wealthy. Her gift to me when my son was born consisted of some exquisite designer layette items; a year's diaper service; and a note with a little P.S. that she knew my husband was "looking after the will and that sort of thing." She could have given a lot more financially, but she exercised restraint, modeling what's really important. Most meaningful to me was the note inside. She was born in 1898, and the note began, "Welcome to the sacred sorority of motherhood." Somehow that needed to be said.

And over the years, she had given me much excellent advice, including "Don't listen to those pediatricians, listen to your heart." As an example, she told me that her pediatrician had told her to let the baby cry. "I didn't listen to him," she said. "Babies cry for a reason."

Don't proselytize about what you don't give, and don't apologize for what you can't give. My other grandmother, whose life was rich in love and Spartan in possessions, handed me a wedding gift of rags for cleaning, obtained the way rags used to be - from scraps of her worn out clothing and linens. I placed it next to the sterling silver service for 12 from the other grandmother on the gift table, and valued them both about the same.

Whatever you give materially or in-service, be there to help them sort through the fad-du-jour advice, get in touch with their own values and priorities, and touch all the bases. Directly, if asked. Subtly, if not asked.

But just do it!

And, by the way, congratulations!

©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc/. Susan is the author of "Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women," available at http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html. She offers coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional development. Retirement, midlife, and transitional coaching. Get certified as an EQ coach, the perfect retirement career. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for information on the EQ Alive! program, certifying coaches in all fields, all over the world. To subscribe to free ezine, go here.

When the Generations Clash at Christmas

MY GRANDDAUGHTER AND ME AND THE C/SEA
by Susan Garrett

When the generations clash at Christmas ... at the holiday ... at other times.

Here is a poem written by Susan Garrett:

Time moves differently once you're past 50
Or once you've lost a child
Or once you're me
[Does it matter which?]

But here I go, with my granddaughter in hand
Off to let her teach me about the c/sea.

Extremely powerful and irreplaceable are we
Only Mother, Only Daughter ...
But the generation in between
Makes plans for us and shapes our days;
And while they're all the world to us
We sometimes like to get away
And muddle through a day --
They would say --
In a hapless disorganized way
Not too concerned about where we go
Just wandering and wondering
And unaware of time.

Sometimes she wears a halo of aluminum foil
And a tu-tu over her blue jeans
And I always try to look my best
But there isn't a "best" any more.
She'll be attended to whatever she wears
And whatever I wear, I'll largely be ignored,
So off we go!

Our worth lies in the not-now
We live at "c",
My grand-daughter and me.
She has all the future ahead of her
And represents their hope,
And I have all the past behind me
And represent what endures
And somehow in the now,
We meet.

We hope they will let us be.

---------------

When children write about their grandparents they say things like "they are never in a hurry," "they play with me," "we go for walks," "we have conversations." They are talking about True Love.

The Secret World of Grandparents ad Grandchildren

From the Grandparents' Day booklet at an elementary school - a look at the secret and sweet world they share. You couldn't make these up:

· My grandma and grandpa are special because they watch movies with me.
· My grandparents always cook food for me doughnuts and other stuff, make clay flower and are always there for me.
· My Grandma and Grandpa play with me outside in the back yard.
· I like to swim with my grandma and grandpa in their pond.
· I like to play with my Grandma and Grandpa.
· I like to go fishing with my grandma and grandpa.
· I like to play cards with my grandma and grandpa.
· Nana and Papa are special because they buy me prizes and take me out to play. My Papa Nick and Nanna are special because they let me swing on their rope.
· Grandparents so sweet and nice, they spoil you like you're candy.
· My Grammy and Pop are special because they take me to the park to play and let me sleep over.
· I like to drive with my Grandma.
· My Grandma is special because she cooks for me. My Grandpa is special because he tickles me.
· My Grandma and Grandpa take me to the store. I like to go to WalMart.
· My Grandma Mia and Paw Paw are special because they love me and pick me from school. They take care of me when Mom is away!
· I like to swim with my grandma and grandpa.
· My Grandma and Grandpa are special because they let me come to their house and make toast for me.
· I like to play hide and seek with grandma and grandpa.
· I like to go to the zoo with Grandma and Grandpa.
· My Grandma and Grandpa are special because they take me to the ranch to ride my 4-wheeler.
· I like going to Six Flags with Grandma and Grandpa.
· My Cha Cha and Big Daddy are special because they take me to the park to get ice cream. My Grandmommy and Poppy are special because they let me play with toys in their attic.
· I like to go to the playground with Grandma and Grandpa.
· My Grandma and Grandpa take me to the zoo.
· I like to sew with my Grandma.
· I like to swim with my grandma and grandpa.
· Grandma Jo is special because she smiles and plays with me.
· Grandma and Grandpa are special because they draw trains for me and fixes my guitar.
· Mimi and Papaw are special because they chase lizards with me.
· My grandma and grandpa are special because they play games with me. They let me win.
· I like fish and swim with Granny and Papaw.
· I like to go shopping with my grandmother and with my other grandmother I like to go to her house and eat [?] with chocolate ice cream and with my grandfather I like to go to his house and drink a homemade milkshake.
· When they pick me up Friday at school.
· Dear Grandparents, I love you.
· I like to swim with grandma and grandpa in their pool.
· My grandma is very special (picture "Grandma's Back Yard") because she takes me shopping and I visit her in Illinois.
· My favorite thing is to play monopily with my grand parents.
· I like my grandparents because they play with me.
· I like to walk with my grandfather.
· Me, Grandpa and Grandma like to swing.
· Me, Grandma and Grandpa went to the park on a warm and sunny day.
· I like to see a movie with my grandmother.
· I like to build the electric train with my grandpa.
· We are playing horse basketball.
· I like to go to the park with my grandma and grandpa.
· My Grandma and Grandpa are special because they give me kisses and send me presents for my birthday.
· My sister and me like to play with Grammy and Po Po.
· I like to help Grammey and Granpa cook [something?] when they are done I can eat them and they are very good.
· Grandma and Grandpa take me to ride on the roller coaster.
· I like to take a walk with grandma and grandpa.
· My Nana and Pocka are special because they play legos with me.
· I like to read with Babbo.
· I like to eat ice cream with my grandma and my grandpa.
· I like to play games with my grandma and grandpa.
· My Grandma and Grandpa like to hide in the cave with me.
· (That one I just love!)
· My Grammy and Papaw are special because they give me presentsand they cook for me.
· I like to play with my grandma and grandpa in the park. Then we eat at MacDonalds.
· I like to eat ice cream with my grandma and grandpa.
· I like to play with my Grandma and Grandpa on the playground outside.
· Nana, you let me hold the ferrets at the pet shop. (Isn’t that hysterical!)Pet the dogs and cats, and you buy my dog toys. You watch my dances + hear my songs. I love you all day long!
· I like to walk the dog with grandma and grandpa.
· My Abuela and Abuelo are special because they tell me stories about long ago. I also have Christmas at their house in Mexico.
· I like to play with my Grandma and Grandpa. We play with toys and go outside.
· I like it when Grandma and Grandpa give me a toy.
· I like to see the ocean with Granny and Pawpaw.
· Grandma and Grandpa play with me and make me food.
· My Grandma and Grandpa are special because they give me hugs and kisses.
· I like to go outside with my Grandma and Grandpa and look at the birds.
· I like to spend the night at grandma and grandpa's house. Then I like to spend the whole day with them!
· I like to go in the hot tub with grandma and I like to swim in the big pool with grandpa. He has lots of airplanes in his garage.
· Grandparents are nice. Grandparents are kind. When your naughty they don't mind. We love you! We love you!! Yes, we do!!
· At top -- You are my sunshine.I like to go for walks with my Grandparents and then have a picnic. I love playing with my Grandpa while my Grandma cooks.