Only love can break a heart. What can mend it?

THE PRODIGAL SON BY REMBRANDT. I was lucky enough to see this painting in the Hermitage.
Rembrandt had four children, only one of whom survived.**

Only love can break a heart. Only love can mend it again.
Time can bring you down. Time can bend your knees.
Many people use the term "going mad" in reference to the loss of a child. Eric Clapton wrote "Tears in Heaven" "to keep from going mad," he said.
David Grossman called it "hell in slow motion."

Grieving the loss of a loved one is hard work. It is painful, so painful that you can be tempted to shut down and not do what feels like compounding the situation. To face the full brunt of the loss of the death of a child, or loss of a spouse or parent takes tremendous courage, even spirit. Yet we know from emotional intelligence that if you stuff down one emotion, you stuff down ALL emotions. If you want to ever feel joy again, then you must grieve -- go through the experience, not around it. I told myself during my hardest grieving period that I was carving out a valley to later be filled with joy - the depth of the joy one day to be equal to the depth of the loss. I believe that with love, faith and hard work, the part of you that is still alive comes back one day ... and you want to be available for that.

Whether you've lost a spouse, a child, a sibling, a parent, or a dear friend ... the developmental task is to be willing to love again in the face of such a terrible loss. As Betty Ann Rutledge, a program director for grieving families writes:

But how do we heal those gaping holes in our hearts? How do we learn to live with our grief? One of the gifts of our community at Bereaved Families is our model of mutual support. I hear time and again from newly bereaved (and not so newly bereaved) people the comfort and relief that is felt when one has an opportunity to connect with someone who has experienced a similar loss. “Finally, someone who understands.” “It’s so good to talk with someone who really “gets it”. “I thought I was the only one who felt this way.” “If they can survive, maybe I can too.”

We know, from emotional intelligence, that ISOLATION is harder on health than smoking, obesity, and high blood pressure combined. And by isolation, we mean being isolated emotionally -- from other people and oneself. One of the hardest things about grief is being alone. In fact, the loss of a child often breaks up a marriage.

Call me if you would like to talk about your grief and your loved one. Together, we will say their name. See resources for the Loss of a Child.

More thoughts ...

Gene Pitney, "Only Love Can Break a Heart. Only Love ... Can Mend it Again"



Eric Clapton's four year old son Connor fell 53 floors to his death from a Manhattan high rise in 1991. His death inspired Clapton to write the hit song "Tears in Heaven." This song has special meaning to me and my son Chester.

From Eric Clapton:

When I try to take myself back to that time, to recall the terrible numbness that I lived in, I recoil in fear. I never want to go through anything like that again. Originally, these songs were never meant for publication or public consumption; they were just what I did to stop from going mad...

When it came out, it was the biggest-selling album of my entire career....But if you want to know what it actually cost me, go to Ripley, and visit the grave of my son.

Many people have used poetry and art to work through their grief when they lose a child. Rembrandt, Shakespeare and Clapton are some examples.

Read about Rembrandt's painting by Twelker, psychology professor emeritus. Twelker, Paul A. (2003). Rembrandt and Psychology: Reflections on The Return of the Prodigal Son. Internet resource available at http://www.tiu.edu/college/psychology/rembrandt:

Psychology asks meaningful questions, especially if we have the spiritual ears to hear. Spiritual truth and psychological meanings can be complementary. We need not be afraid of the discipline of psychology if we allow the Spirit of God to quicken our souls and our minds to His truth. The point that I am making is that the master artist reveals a depth of understanding of this parable that is both spiritual and psychological. You can understand the concepts of love, relationship, guilt, motivation, pride, jealousy, repentance and forgiveness through the study of psychology. And you can even deepen your understanding through personal experience. And then, at some point in time, prompted by the Spirit of God, your soul is stirred to its very depths and you awaken to new meanings of life...of redemption...of mercy...of refreshment. It is then that you realize that the discipline of psychology is but humankind’s noble attempt to understand truth--and that is a very God-honoring ambition.

William Shakespeare lost his son, Hamnet, when the boy was 11 years old. He wrote it out perhaps in "Hamlet," probably for sure in "King John."

This is from "King John"

CONSTANCE

I will instruct my sorrows to be proud;
For grief is proud and makes his owner stoop.
To me and to the state of my great grief
Let kings assemble; for my grief's so great
That no supporter but the huge firm earth
Can hold it up: here I and sorrows sit;
Here is my throne, bid kings come bow to it.

Seats herself on the ground

[In a later scene]

CONSTANCE
No, I defy all counsel, all redress,
But that which ends all counsel, true redress,
Death, death; O amiable lovely death!

CARDINAL PANDULPH
Lady, you utter madness, and not sorrow.

CONSTANCE
I am not mad: this hair I tear is mine;
My name is Constance; I was Geffrey's wife;
Young Arthur is my son, and he is lost:
I am not mad: I would to heaven I were!
For then, 'tis like I should forget myself:
O, if I could, what grief should I forget!
Preach some philosophy to make me mad,
And thou shalt be canonized, cardinal;
For being not mad but sensible of grief,
My reasonable part produces reason
How I may be deliver'd of these woes,
And teaches me to kill or hang myself:
If I were mad, I should forget my son,
Or madly think a babe of clouts were he:
I am not mad; too well, too well I feel
The different plague of each calamity....

And, father cardinal, I have heard you say
That we shall see and know our friends in heaven:
If that be true, I shall see my boy again;
For since the birth of Cain, the first male child,
To him that did but yesterday suspire,
There was not such a gracious creature born.
But now will canker-sorrow eat my bud
And chase the native beauty from his cheek
And he will look as hollow as a ghost,
As dim and meagre as an ague's fit,
And so he'll die; and, rising so again,
When I shall meet him in the court of heaven
I shall not know him: therefore never, never
Must I behold my pretty Arthur more.

CARDINAL PANDULPH
You hold too heinous a respect of grief.

CONSTANCE
He talks to me that never had a son.

KING PHILIP
You are as fond of grief as of your child.

CONSTANCE
Grief fills the room up of my absent child,
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
Remembers me of all his gracious parts,
Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form:
Then have I reason to be fond of grief?
Fare you well: had you such a loss as I,
I could give better comfort than you do...
O Lord! my boy, my Arthur, my fair son!
My life, my joy, my food, my all the world!
My widow-comfort, and my sorrows' cure!

FROM A FRIEND OF WALT WHITMAN'S

In the middle of the room, in its white coffin, lay the dead child, the nephew of the poet. Near it, in a great chair, sat Walt Whitman, surrounded by little ones, and holding a beautiful little girl on his lap. She looked wonderingly at the spectacle of death, and then inquiringly into the old man's face.

'You don't know what it is, do you, my dear?' said he, and added, 'We don't, either.' (Mary Mapes Dodge, friend of Wal Whitman's)

Robert Lowell, on the death of his son: "Identification in Belfast"

..."When they first showed me the boy, I thought oh good,
it's not him because he is a blonde--
I imagine his hair was singed dark by the bomb.
He had nothing on him to identify him
except this box of joke trick matches;
he liked to have them on him, even at mass.
The police were unhurried and wonderful,
they let me go on trying to strike a match...
I just wouldn't stop-- you cling to anything--
I couldn't believe I couldn't light one match--
only joke-matches...Then I knew he was Richard."

David Grossman lost his youngest son Uri during the Israeli offensive in Lebanon. Grossman is a novelist. Grossman described it as "hell in slow motion, all the time."

It's a painful life, now. It's like hell in slow motion, all the time. I don't try to escape grief. I face grief in an intense way in my writing, but not only in my writing. If I have to suffer, I want to understand my situation thoroughly. It's not an easy place to be, but so be it. If I'm doomed to it, I want-- it's a human predicament, and I want to experience it....

Anything that is calm and safe seems to me like an illusion.

Emotional Intelligence is Good for Your Health

HEALTH: PSYCHOLOGY; Researchers Add Sounds of Silence To the Growing List of Health Risks - New York Times

This article was written in 1988 by Daniel Goleman for the N. Y. Times, and still we are only beginning to deal with the idea of emotional intelligence, wellness and social support.

It's important to note that if you cannot connect with people emotionally, you can be isolated and lonely in a room full of people.

It is hard to ignore data like this. It makes a very compelling case for developing your emotional intelligence.

From the article:

Being cut off from friendships and one's family doubles a person's chances of sickness or death ...

Although social scientists have long known there was a strong association between loneliness and illness, it was unclear until recent studies which was the cause and which the effect.

But the new studies, summarized in the current issue of Science magazine, show that a lack of social relationships in and of itself heightens people's susceptibility to illness.

''The data shows that people who are isolated but healthy are twice as likely to die over the period of a decade or so as are others in the same health,'' said James House, a sociologist at the Institute of Social Research at University of Michigan, a co-author of the report.

The report, co-written by two other researchers ... summarizes studies ... on the effects isolation has on health that have been done over the last two decades. In the studies, more than 37,000 people were assessed over periods of up to 12 years.

... ''It's the 10 to 20 percent of people who say they have nobody with whom they can share their private feelings, or who have close contact with others less than once a week, who are at most risk,'' Dr. House said.

More Risky Than Smoking

In adding to the list of factors that put people at an increased risk for disease, the report said social isolation ''is as significant to mortality rates as smoking, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, obesity and lack of physical exercise.''

''In fact, when age is adjusted for, social isolation is as great or greater a mortality risk than smoking,'' it added.

While smoking makes a person about 1.6 times more likely to develop illnesses of all kinds, social isolation makes a person twice as likely to become sick, the researchers said.
''After controlling for the effects of physical health, socioeconomic status, smoking, alcohol, exercise, obesity, race, life satisfaction and health care, the studies found that those with few or weak social ties were twice as likely to die as were those with strong ties,'' Dr. House said. '

Isolation is more devastating to men than to women ...

The comforting effect of another person's presence has been shown to lower not just heart rate and blood pressure but also the secretion of fatty acids that can block arteries.

Effect in Brain Theorized

One theory of why the presence of another person might help suggests that there is an effect in the brain from social contact. The theory holds that social contact inhibits activity in the posterior hypothalmic zone of the brain, lowering the rate of secretion of acetylcholine, cortisol and catecholamines, chemicals that trigger more rapid breathing, a quickened heartbeat and other physiological signs of stress.

Signs of Stress: The Body Reacts

Social isolation can have a broad range of physiological effects, notably on the brain and the cardiovascular system, among other major organs. Loneliness seems to lower the effectiveness of the immune system while increasing stress on the heart. One theory holds that social relationships can lower the rate of secretion of certain brain chemicals that cause rapid breathing, a quickened heartbeat and similar signs of stress.

To read the full article, follow the link above.

IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS SUFFERING FROM ISOLATION, coaching is a great route for them to take. It is contact with another person who has their interests at heart. It is just as effective by phone and email, from an experienced and knowledgeable coach. Emotional Intelligence coaching helps us learn the social skills that keep us from being isolated.

Note the effects on MEN.

Take the EQ Course, email me for coaching, sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Honesty, the first step to happiness

HONESTY: The First Step to Happiness (guest article)

The cornerstone of emotional intelligence is self-awareness, which applies to awareness of your emotions. "We are our emotions." Authenticity is one of the competencies. Being honest about your emotional state can be hard ... take The EQ Course to develop your emotional intelligence.

I apologize for the grammatical and spelling errors in the article. They are not mine!

Today's guest article:

Honesty is the first and most basic step to being happiy [sic] and healthy. It is not a surprise that it is teh [sic] first step in the 12-steps as well. The 12-steps are not just for addicts or people who believe in God. As a clinician I have developed an appreciation for how simply enacting the spiritual principles of the 12-Steps can drastically improve anxiety, depression, anger and addiction. Spirituality is more than just religion, it is a way of life. These principles are present in every religion, and are helpful even for those who are not religious. Let’s take a look...

Honesty. The first step in being happy is to be honest, not only with others, but also yourself. This means developing a strong awareness of self, what you like and need, what you truly can control, and your feelings and what they mean.

Many people who are depressed, anxious or addicted fail to realize the real reasons for their misery. They see the immediate answer---what triggered the negativity this time. What they fail to realize is that their fears and/or anger is usually all related to one or more deeper causes.

Humans have six basic fears: isolation, failure, rejection, loss of control, death and the unknown. When you get angry or anxious, ask yourself which of these fears you are experiencing, why you fear it and how rational that is.

For example, you may be nervous going in for a job interview---fear of rejection, failure, the unknown. Okay, they may not hire you (rejection from the employer), but are you also fearing rejection by someone else? Does failure to get this job mean you are letting someone else down such as a parent or spouse? Aside from the fact that you did not get the job, do you really care if the prospective employer liked you? In reality, does this change the way your loved ones feel about you? Yes, you would prefer to get the job, but if you do not is it really that much of a catastrophe?

Another part of honesty is being aware of how you contribute to your own misery. Do you fail to take responsibility for your actions and blame others, look for the easy answers or might you be intentionally making yourself miserable. Intentionally? Yes! Maybe not consciously, but there are many people who inadvertently sabotage their recovery, because being miserable is so rewarding. When you are depressed, wrought with anxiety or in your addiction, people pay attention to you, overlook/make excuses for errors and it gives you a built in excuse for failure. Many people are afraid of failure because they see failing at any task means failing as a person and/or they equate failure with rejection. Both of these are basic and powerful (though not always rational) fears.

To start to develop self-awareness, keep a journal in the morning and evening. It only takes a few minutes. Ask yourself, how do I feel emotionally (happy, sad, grumpy, lonely, resentful etc…), mentally (confused, sharp, creative, foggy…) and physically (sick, weak, lethargic, strong, energetic etc). [We suggest The EQ Checkin(tm) - Ask yourself h you are feeling emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.] Then identify why you feel that way, what you can do to change the negative things, and what you have no control over. This is your journal, you do not even need to write in full sentences, just pay attention. In the evening, repeat the exercise to see if you are feeling better, if your interventions are working or if you need to do something differently.

Some things you can do to help yourself out include asking yourself:

 “Will this matter 6 months from now?”

 “Does worrying/being angry or regretful about this help me in any way? How could I better use my energy to do something about the problem?"

 “Is this worth the negative impact it is having on me and my family?”

 “What parts of this do I have control over?”

“What does this mean about me as a person?”

 “Realistically, what are the consequences of this?”

If you are tired, confused or “foggy” figure out why. Sometimes it is the easy answer---you did not get enough quality sleep. To fix this, set a wind-down routine. This will cue your body into when to go to sleep. Secondly, eliminate caffeine within 12 hours of bedtime. This includes soda, coffee and lots of chocolate. Set up your bedroom to be comfortable for you to sleep---clean, smells good, dark, quiet etc.

Often times, people are actually getting too much sleep or their sleep is fitful because of all the stress their muscles are holding. If you are getting 6 to 8 hours of sleep, try adding some physical activity—walking the dog, gardening, walking around the block during your lunch break, yoga, tai chi. . .whatever you are willing to regularly do for at least 20 minutes every day.

A third thing to evaluate is your diet. Too much sugar, caffeine or not enough water can cause confusion, tiredness, depression, irritability, difficulty regulating your body temperature and poor sleep. Make sure you are not dehydrated. If you do not like water, try lemonade, flavored water. Just try to forego the carbonation and drinks with caffeine or alcohol---both of which will make you dehydrated.

All of these things: awareness of how you feel emotionally, mentally, physically; awareness of what you have control over and what your body’s signals are trying to tell you will help you feel happier and more content. It takes practice to learn to pick your battles and accept you are not in control of everything, but once you do, you will see how much it not only improves how you feel, but also how much it improves your health and relationships.

This article is part of a 12 part series on integrating the 12-steps into a healthy life.

About the Author: Dr. Dawn Snipes received her Masters in Rehabilitation Counseling and Addictions and her PhD in Counseling and Education from the University of Florida. She is an ordained Christian minister . Currently she runs two online continuing education sites (http://www.allceus.com), continuing education for rehabilitation counselors, addictions professionals, social workers and engineers (http://www.engineeringceus.com) and has a part-time private practice.

Source: www.isnare.com

Susan is the author of "EQ & Addiction: the 14th Step" and offers individual coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional development. Contact sdunn@susandunn.cc for more information.