Showing posts with label dating coach. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating coach. Show all posts

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Why We Lust and Why We Love

"I never knew until we were married."

CHOOSING YOUR MARRIAGE PARTNER
from Susan Dunn, Dating and Relationship Coach

Probably the most important decision you will ever make in your life is the person that you marry, and from all reports, making a good choice in this area appears to be getting even more complicated. Our 50% divorce rate speaks to this. And, more dour, is the fact that this rate is raised due to the VERY high rate of failed second marriages, i.e., those who can't choose right the first time (or create a lasting relationship) fail to do so the second time.

I just finished reading a book that claims your strongest attraction (let's call it lust) is for someone who reminds you of a relationship you had with a parent. They contend this does not always make for someone you can comfortably live with.

The other choice, according to the authors, one of whom is a psychologist, is to choose someone for which the attraction is not so strong.

These are two options, yes, but I take issue with one of the premises.

NATURE KNOWS A GOOD NICHE
If you've ever been around dog breeders, you will know the phrase, "Nature knows a good niche." This is an explanation for why some female dogs will not allow male dogs to breed with them. The gist of the saying is that the female knows that male dog isn't going to make good puppies for her.

Studies show that many of our mating patterns and courtship patterns are hard-wired. They do not relate so much to nurture (your parents, or reason, or words, as they do to hard-wired evolutionary things. I think our strongest attractions ("lust") are for those where, well, nature is knowing a good niche, i.e., perhaps this might be nature's way of telling you who you might make good kids with. Whether or not you buy that theory, the question remains -- Is this a reason to marry someone?

No, it is not.

There has to be a certain amount of physical attraction, obviously, but you have to think hard about who you can live with -- daily. And with whom you can raise those kids.

WE FOUGHT OVER THE KIDS
Lately in doing dating coaching, I've heard more men say that they divorced (or were divorced) "because we fought over the child-raising."

It's a good idea to check out the other person's values, and observe how they live their lives and treat other people before you take that big step. Time is one crucial ingredient, and then seeing the other person in a variety of life situations.

One male client of mine married a woman of another faith, let's call it XX. He said, "The funny thing is, I didn't even know she was XX until we had kids. Then suddenly all our friends had to be XX, everything had to be done the way XX's do things."

Can you tell this sort of thing before? Well, it helps to get some consultation. Call me for coaching - relationship, dating, emotional intelligence, transitions, decision-making.

Choosing a life partner, spouse, or mate is serious business. When you're dating and trying to choose a spouse, let me guide you. Call me at 817-734-1471 or email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and let's start the new year off right.

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Monday, September 20, 2010

Need to interview people over 50 who are dating

We are preparing to write the most extensively researched book on Dating After 50 yet. This is a very complicated issue - dating after 50 - and we intend to interview 100s more people about what works and what doesn't, what they mean when they say "blah blah", how to tell who just wants sex v. who wants marriage v. some sort of relationship but no committment. We all wish people would wear labels!

We've already intereviewed 100s of men and women, but we will continue gathering data until time off publication. This is not a fabricated book about what we think, or wish, or imagine it's like. We are gathering HARD DATA so you can finally get some information about what really workss -- and what doesn't.

We will show you exactly how to interpret it when a man says, "LTR not necessary" or "my wife used to beat me," or "Let's start as friends and see what develops."

Email me NOW is you are willing to be interviewed, anonymously or otherwise - sdunn@susandunn.cc .

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Sunday, October 25, 2009

The Erotic Love Letter


Bright Star - first love burns brightest? "Together they rode a wave of romantic obsession."

As someone who coaches people of all ages, and is also a Dating Coach, I would like to say that maybe the last love burns even brighter. Perhaps like a star moving on?

From a kids' astronomy site:

There are several different kinds of stars in the sky. Some are very big. A couple have been found that are 100 to 200 times bigger than the sun. At the end of their lives these large stars can stretch themselves out past the orbit of the planet Uranus.


If you are an older person in love, and feel like you are stretching out past the orbit of the planet Uranus, think of this compared to Keats writing that he felt he was "dissolving."

Keats agreed to teach Fanny Brawne poetry ... and a love affair began. The movie critics have noted that while it is "only words," the movie is "incredibly erotic."

They're having a contest for love letters. I love it because (1) you can enter a hand-written love letter OR (2) a tweet.

Enter and win! Love and win! If you're afraid to love, feel like you're holding back, have a commitment-thing, or just need dating coaching, email me - sdunn@susandunn.cc. I specialized in helping singles over 40 find their True Love. I coach by email, phone, and in my office in the D.C. area.

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Thursday, August 20, 2009

What Physical Attribute of Your Date Effects You the Most?

Q: What physical feature about someone we're dating effects us the most? (It's not what you think it is.)

From today's email bag:

Dear Dating Coach:

We were having a great time, and then I remember he reached over for the dessert we were sharing, and there was something about his hands. Not dirty, and no bitten nails, etc., I just knew I 'registered' something. I thought they were pretty and delicate, but at the same time, I don't like "pretty" or "delicate" hands on a man. What am I to make of this?

++++++++
This is interesting because I am reading Diamond's THE THIRD CHIMPANZEE where he spends a good bit of time talking about how we choose our mates.

Note that choosing a marital partner is much more of a choice than choosing a one--night-stand. In fact the chapter this is in is called How We Pick our Mates and Sex Partners. It is very important to know what you are doing -- Are you choosing a mate, or a sex partner is the first thing I ask clients!!!

First let me say that you, personally, in your choice of partner, are allowed to prefer what you prefer. In other words, there's a woman out there that would fall instantly in love with this man BECAUSE OF those same hands that turn you off.

That's the wonder of love!

That having been said, in his book, Diamond cites scientific research where he uses words such as coefficients and significant. To unpack these terms, coefficients means the different things that influence something, and "significant" is a scientific terms meaning that the numbers show a difference. Yes, it arbitrary, but not as arbitrary as saying, "I (your personal opinion) think people choose mates according to the color of their eyes." "Correlation" means they relate, but be cautious about cause and effect. i.e., People eat more ice cream on hot days. The heat is more likely to cause the eating of ice cream than the ice cream to cause the day to be hot ... but with more complicated issue, people don't always see the line of causation properly! (I know you've experienced this misconception.)

FROM THE BOOK:

Coefficients for physical traits are on the average ... not so high as for personality traits ... or religion ... but still significantly higher than zero. For a few physical traits the correlation is even higher than 0.2 [which is the average overall for physical traits] -- e.g., an astonishing 0.61 for length of middle finger. At least unconsciously, people care more about their spouse's middle-finger length than about his or her hair color and intelligence!
I can't say I was conscious about this, but I sure am now. (Which is what Emotional Intelligence is about -- self-awareness.)

Something DEFINITELY REGISTERED when she stopped and took a look at his hands. And it was something negative.

A: the length of their middle finger

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Friday, August 01, 2008

The Dating Coach Talks About Your Ex

One of the things that comes up when we're dating is the subject of exes. Former dates, lovers, partners and spouses.

How do we deal with this?

Well, the less said the better.

If she asks you about the former woman(en) in your life, and you get all moony-eyed and are tempted to talk about her fantastic figure and beautiful face, well don't!. First of all it shows you aren't 'over' her. Second, what woman wants to compare herself to that. So just skip it.

If he asks you about your ex and he hit you / ran off with your best friend / etc., well don't! The only thing this will lead to is why you stuck around this person, which leads to how you choose people ... which means - well we're human -- he's going to think -- if she chooses so poorly, what am I doing here??

Work with your Dating Coach to come up with responses that don't get you in trouble from the get-go.

We've all got exes. Maybe it's best to leave it at that??

Contact me for coaching if you would like help with this complicated topic - or others that come up, like:
  • You've been married TWO times?
  • How long do you plan to keep working?
  • Wait a minute ... you got divorced in 1990 and have never remarried?
  • How come you never got married (at all)?
  • Your marriage only lasted two years?
  • Are you willing to relocate?
  • We live 500 miles apart. The distance is too great.

Everyone's looking. There's a partner for everyone. So call me and get back on track! 817-741-7223. Susan Dunn, The Dating Coach.



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Monday, July 21, 2008

Now YOU Can Be a Coach

Someone asked me the other day about becoming a coach. Did you know that I have trained and certified coaches all over the US and the world?

I train long-distance, and also offer one-day seminars for training and certification in Dallas, San Diego, and the D. C. area. (email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc to arrange YOURS.)

Want to become a coach?

  • The ideal profession
  • You're your own boss
  • You set your own schedule and hours and rates
  • It's a portable profession - you can move any time you want
  • The perfect retirement profession
  • No one can fire you
  • You can only get better with age
  • You help me
  • YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE
  • Tremendous growth field
  • Cited in a recent publication as one of the sneaky 6-figure occupations

Areas I can certify you in include, but are not limited to:

  • Dating
  • Wellness
  • Emotional Intelligence
  • Life balance
  • Stress
  • Parenting
  • Personal Life Coach
  • Business Coach
  • Life Coach
  • Relationship Coach

I have an M.A. in Clinical Psychology, and was one of the founding members of Coachville, serving on Thomas Leonard's R&D team. I am proud to be Step-parenting expert and Attract your dream partner expert on a major website. I serve as EQ expert for WebProNews, and am proud to have been named Spiritual Life Path, and Adult Development Expert for selfgrowth.com, the largest selfhelp portal on the Internet.

Come learn with the coach who trains the other coaches.

Coach training and certification - long distance, on-site, Dallas, San Diego, D.C.; completely unique and personalized program for you, including marketing tips and strategies for a successful practice.

Requirements? An interest in becoming a coach.

Call 817-741-7223 or email sdunn@susandunn.cc



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Thursday, June 12, 2008

Are you this excited about dating?

Are you this excited about your work?
Whether it's dating to find your dream partner, your job hunt, your job, parenting - whatever - if you aren't this excited and ready to go .... hire me for your coach.

DATING COACHING, work, relationships, emotional intelligence.




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The WSJ and the Dating Coach

“People can sense your intolerance,” they said. “They can smell negativity.”

Is that you? That's what this woman's friends told her about her lack of success at dating.

The WSJ article on Dating Coach adds:


A few suggested that I try something for the truly desperate: a dating coach. Unlike matchmakers, dating coaches do not arrange dates. Instead, they act as cheerleaders and advisers, pointing out less than helpful behavior.

This article in now over a year old, and I think we all know by now that coaching isn't for the desperate. Also "cheerleader" is not my fave term for coaching, but it's part of it. Think of it more like a boxing coach, if you will. Someone IN YOUR CORNER who knows what's going on at the META level. Someone who can make you better at what you do.

Desperate? We recommend you devote 15 hours a week to your dating, only a part on the Internet.

With the massive numbers of folks looking for matches online, it's clearly the thing to do. Remember, it's a $500 billion dollar industry.

Yes, I am a DATING COACH. I outline for you a STRATEGY that will work. And yes, post-game analysis is part of it. Haven't you come back from a date saying, "I know I shouldn't have..." We eliminate a lot of that, and also the nerves or ennui that go along with it.

Look at it like a job hunt in a difficult terrain. Like, there are places you can live and credentials you might have that make a job hunt an oxymoron. But if you live in a town with low unemployment and have a great but esoteric or over-supplied field, in marketing we would say "a soft market," you will be interviewing, and it helps to know the ropes.

Same with dating. With a Dating Coach, you benefit from all my experience listening to hundreds of daters, my knowledge of the sites, and years of coaching.

I specialize in men and women over 40.
Call me at 817-734-1471, 817-741-7223, or email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and let's get started!

Reasonable rates. Unreasonable results.

Susan is Attract Your Dream Partner Expert for a major website, and Adult and Senior Development Expert for selfgrowth.com, the largest self help portal on the Internet.

Let's get going! Time's a-wastin'. I love what I do, and you will too.

To sign up for my Fr** ezine on dating in today's world, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and put "dating" for the subject line. You'll love my tips.


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Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Online Dating Sites - Are They for You?


Having a hard time finding your life partner??

SUSAN DUNN IS THE DATING COACH.
Let me help you LOOK ONLINE for your PARTNER. I am Attract Your Dream Partner Expert for major website, and a Dating Coach, specializing in online dating as well as traditional.
WHY NOT LET A DATING COACH HELP YOU FIND THE PARTNER OF YOUR DREAMS!

If you are interested in finding your life partner, why aren’t you looking online? Whatever misgivings you may have here are some things to consider.

According to the media, “bringing people together…is a $500 million online industry.” And at this point http://www.match.com/ appears to be in the lead. A recent article in the newspaper alleged that the online dating sites had peaked, but our common sense tells us it has not. As a Dating Coach, I can tell you that I get a new client every day who hasn’t been online yet.

And why would you aside from the numbers?

Well, here’s an example.

Martha, a client, is a professional who lives, by her own admission, “in the boondocks.” She works long hours in a city in the Midwest, so doesn't have time to get out -- but then where would she “get out” to, she asks me? Bars and other watering-holes are not the place for her, she says, as they are not for many. The hardest part, though, is that she grew up on the East Coast, and wants to return to the Ocean. So how else is she going to meet the man of her dreams in Indianapolis, Indiana, but to get online.

Then there’s my client who lives in a state and for her own reasons does not want to date someone from that state. There are plenty of “misplaced” persons who would not only be WILLING to relocate, but EAGER to.

Here’s another example. This client is from the Middle East, where the courtship and dating rules are different, and she prefers that style and culture. The percentage of the population in that town that's from her own background? It flies flies below the radar screen. I showed her there’s an online dating site for the group she’s interested in – to her surprise.

Here’s another example. This client happens to want to date Jewish men, although she is not Jewish herself. I showed her a couple of sites (like jdate.com and jpeoplemeet.com) and a quick perusal showed her that the people on the site are interested in meeting and dating Jewish people, though they may not be so themselves. A male client is interested in dating Italian women, and enjoys being on http://www.italianpeoplemeet.com/ .

Granted it can be daunting to maneuver the sites and that’s why a Dating Coach is such a great idea. You can save yourself a lot of time, and take advantage of their vast experience. For one thing, you can jump the learning curve about things like – how the sites work, how to get your name back in the front, what usernames work and what usernames don’t, how to make sure someone you aren’t interested in cannot contact you, the difference between the paid sites and the free sites, what to do about “flirts” and “winks,” appropriate replies, what to avoid, and so forth. It’s always good to go over safety issues too. And what about a photo? Should you or should you not? And what about that site that’s so heavily advertised on TV? I don’t recommend it, and I’ll tell you why.

Dating is more complex than ever. More people are entering the dating scene every day, and the challenge is to get them together, because everyone’s looking.

Looking for what? Well that’s another thing to go over with your coach. What about the man who says he’s “separated” and wants a “casual relationship” or the widower who says he wants “a long-term relationship”? Your coach can help you decipher all these ‘codes’ and help you phrase your own profile in the most positive, dynamic and appealing way, that shows who you really are and what you want.
Let's face it, looking online helps you swing a much wider net. Why not?? Why wait to get aboard this $500 million industry?
P.S. If you're worried about "long distance" dating, I can tell you some examples of great success (and how to make it work for YOU).
HE/SHE IS LOOKING FOR YOU JUST AS HARD AS YOU ARE LOOKING FOR HIM/HER.
eMail me for Dating Coaching - sdunn@susandunn.cc .


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Friday, June 06, 2008

Do you find dating impossible??

I specialize in helping men and women over 40 find their dream partner.

The Top 10 Ways to Succeed at Internet Dating

1. Hire a dating coach.

He or she can save you literally years in the learning curve. Imagine the experience of listening to hundreds of people dating online (and traditional).

2. Choose a name that describes but isn't offensive, aggressive or too sex-oriented.

Brightgirl is good. Boner69 is not. HappyguyinMA is good. Hotgirl is not. (Taken from actual websites.)

3. Keep your emails short and to the point.

This indicates you're interested in dating, not writing.

4. Don't answer flirts and winks

and don't expect yours to be answered. When you're ready to get serious you'll do it right.

5. Move it quickly from email to phone to real date.

Times a-wasting.

6. Up your rejection quotient.

All good sales people know that when the rejections go up, you're about to score. Don't give up, just keep at it.

7. Get a good photo.

It should be current, tasteful and clear. Guys, don't go in the bathroom take off your shirt and hold your cell phone up in front of the mirror. (Yes, there are many like that on the net.) Close up shots with nature backgrounds, or interesting locations (hotel lobby) seem to work best.

8. Change your profile weekly.

This brings you to the attention of searchers; that's just the way the sites work.

9. Investigate different sites.

There's something out there for every interest group, nationality, etc. Read through the profiles and see if it's got the kind of people on it you're interested in.

10. Reveal enough, not too much. We all like a little mystery. (Gals, guys especially like the mystery!)

There are sites that are free, and sites you pay for. Basically speaking, you get what you pay for.



EMAIL ME FOR DATING COACHING - sdunn@susandunn.cc or call me at 817-741-7223. I have coached hundreds of people, internationally. I also train and certify other coaches, so come and learn from the coach who teaches the other coaches.





INTERNET DATING A SPECIALITY. It's the way to go in today's dating world. Let me show you the ropes. I have specific rules that work. Many examples, lots of experience. I can save you time, energy and money.





It's an investment in your future.








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Friday, May 23, 2008

Dating Online?


Dating coaching can save you a lot of time, because you can learn from the mistakes of others. So why not email me (sdunn@susandunn.cc) or give me a call - 817-741-7223 and invest in some dating coaching NOW. I coach both men and women ... so imagine all the experience you can learn from.
Article of interest ... Queensland University finds "online daters lack caution"

From the article:

"The social disinhibition that online interactions allow means some people are carried away by their feelings and don't use their heads as they would in normal social situations when meeting people."

Dr Bambling said has seen people in counselling regarding the
consequences of making emotional investments in people they had been emailing after meeting them on line.

"They often become quickly emotionally involved and invest in the other person before meeting. After meeting they move too fast because an emotional relationship actually started when they began interacting online before meeting, in which time they build up a fantasy view of the other person," he said.

"When they do meet, often the other person is not always what they had imagined but if they are already emotionally invested they go out anyway.
______________
This is why I recommend you move quickly from email, to phone, to a Real Date. It saves a lot of time in the long run. It saves you from throwing good money after bad, so-to-speak.

Want to know more? Get in touch with me when you're ready for some serious dating, with serious results.


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Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Opera Prompters, Life Coaches & Emotional Intelligence

HOW ARE COACHES LIKE OPERA PROMPTERS?
BTW, what's an opera prompter?? And what's that got to do with emotional intelligence?
by Susan Dunn, M.A., Personal Life & Dating Coach
sdunn@susandunn.cc

5 hours you’re standing on-stage, often not singing yourself, but still required to be present. How do you keep from drifting off? Soprano Christine Brewer, soprano with the San Francisco Opera, admitted, in a Wall Street Journal article by Thomas S. Burton, entitled “It’s Not Over (Yet) for Those Who Cue Divas,” that in a recent 5-hour performance of Wagner’s TRISTAN UND ISOLDE, it happened to her. She drifted off, and Jonathan Kuhner saved her life.

Jonathan Kuhner … Philip Eisenberg … know these names? Philip Eisenberg’s name appears on the SF opera program as “Philip Eisenberg, Assistant for Artists, Emeritus. What do these gentleman do? They’re PROMPTERS for operas, and, according to one source, there are fewer than 10 prompters working full-time in U. S. companies these days.

Are they needed?

Well according to Baritone Nathan Gunn, “They always get the biggest applause at cast parties.” One can imagine how many lives and careers they have saved. Don’t you wish you had one?? Well now you can ... but read on.

Gunn pointed out that if you see a singer standing longer than they should at front-center stage, it’s probably because they’re lost and looking to the prompter to lead them back.

Or looking for confidence. A recent article described James Johnson, 68-year-old prompter, descending into the prompter’s box (it doesn’t even have a real name!) minutes before the beginning of Tchaikovsky’s “Eugene Onegin,” where, as the orchestra of the Chicago Lyric Opera began, he kept the beat with his hands, said the first word of many lines, and [exuded] confidence so the singers stayed calm.”

Many of the prompters are ‘of an age’ – many operas must be known (and remember, each has ‘so many words’), and many languages (those ‘many words’ are not always in the singer’s native tongue). They also have to have a lot of emotional intelligence. Opera singers say they can also serve as “your voice of reason and practicality,” when the conductor speaks in that foreign language they do, i.e., “sing like an obelisk,” or “you’re making a sound that’s domelike. I want a parabola.” The opera stars look to the prompters to interpret.

Don’t you wish you had one at work, when your boss says “prioritize according to the functionality,” or “I don’t care, just make sure you choose the RIGHT place.” (This is what personal life coaches do – help you interpret.)

Or don’t you wish you had one to guide you through your role as leading man or romantic heoine in your own romantic drama? Someone to help you keep the beat (how often to call her, how often to see her), to interpret the silence (why doesn’t he call?), or to translate the foreign-speak (“What does a woman mean when she says…?”) This is what personal life coaches do.
Back to those opera prompters, I guess since the orchestra sits between you and me in the audience, and the singers on stage, we do not hear, for instance, when the beat gets ragged and the prompter pounds on the floor of the box to make the beat more pronounced to the singers. Or when, according to a Wall Street Journal article about prompters, Christine Brewer lost her way, started singing the role of another, and the prompter leaned out of the box and yelled, “Stop singing.”

The WSJ article hastens to laud Ms. Brewer’s voice … why are we so hesitant to acknowledge that needing assistance about certain things does not negate other skills? Of course you’re tops in the field of law, but that’s a lot different from courting the woman of your dreams? Of maybe you’re Wife and Mother of the Year, but your career sure could use some coaching.

Prompters are like coaches, because they prepare the singers beforehand, as well as guiding them during. “The prompter’s job,” says Burton, in the WSJ, “combines the skills of a conductor, musicologist and linguist, with an unusual ability to listen to the orchestra, keep time with the hands and deliver the singers’ lines a moment before the downbeat.”

Kuhner describes it as “juggling.” That’s often how I feel as a coach – maintaining the beat for the client’s juggling act!

“Operas just have so many words,” said soprano Susan Graham, in praise of the prompters, who are making a comeback. “I’m a big lover of prompters,” she said.

Need it be said that in Italy, where they originated, they’ve continued all along, but opera houses in the U. S. are bringing them back after a lapse.

Wouldn’t you like to have a prompter when you’re stage-center, whether it be in dating, career, parenting or retirement? That’s what coaching is all about: preparing you beforehand, and making it easier during, for a professional and successful outcome. It’s someone to teach you the lines “when there are so many words,” to interpret the words of others, prompt you and prepare you so you are self-assured, and stick with you until your Perfect Performance is completed and the applause is ringing in your ears. Also I might add, and this will make you laugh -- to tell you when to stop singing!

A personal life coach can also greatly increase your productivity. Caruso wouldn’t have thought of performing without a prompter, and because of this, he typically did one opera one night in one town, and another opera the next night in another town.

Consider, for instance, if you are seriously looking for a lifetime partner on online dating sites. How on earth do you keep track of it all, and how do you know what to do when with each contender … kind of like a 5-hour Wagnerian opera isn’t it? Thank heavens for prompters, and thank heavens for coaches. I know I have greatly increased the success-capacity of many clients, and together we have pulled off some “bravo” and “encore” performances.

“My coach is someone to come back to and check in with along the way,” says one of my clients. “Susan eliminates a lot of static for me so I can concentrate on my game.”

In fact, pretty similar to WSJ’s description of a prompter as “…a safety net and a friendly face, allowing performers to concentrate more…” adding, “They help keep complex and loud passages together.”

For coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . Dating coaching a specialty.


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