What if you have contempt for your spouse

Emotions and attitudes can kill a marriage. According to researcher John Gottman, these are the 4 Horses of the Apocalypse:

Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Criticism
Contempt

And of these, contempt is the most harmful. (This is often displayed by rolling the eyes.) Gottman explains what we know:

"You would think criticism would be the worst, because criticism is a global condemnation of a person's character. Yet contempt is qualitatively different from criticism. With criticism I might say to my wife, 'You never listen, you are really selfish and insensitive. Well, she's going to respond defensively to that. That's not very good for our problem solving and interaction. But if I speak from a superior plane, that's far more damaging, and contempt is any statement made from a higher level. A lot of time it's an insult: 'You are a bitch. You're scum.' It's trying to put that person on a lower plane than you are. It's hierarchical."

He adds that contempt and disgust are close -- they infer completely rejecting the person from community, ostracizing them.

Disgust is one of the basic emotions from the reptilian brain. In other words, "automatic." In one of the couples they interviewed about how they met, the woman said she had been disgusted by the man's behavior on the first date. She then went on to marry him.

At times we go on "instinct", without thinking, and it turns out bad. Sometimes we over-ride "instinct" by thinking, and it turns out bad.

Instinct, intuition, "gut-feeling" is a wonderful tool if you understand how it works, and how it works for you. It is generally a disaster to ignore it, have it confused with fantasy, etc.

To learn more about your intuition, take my Intuition Course, or The EQ Course (tm). These courses are on the Internet, interactive, with feedback, and may be combined with coaching.

Emotional Intelligence competencies can be learned, and intuition is one of them.

How Come Madoff Slipped through the Cracks?

The topic today. Emotionally Intelligent regulation, inspection and reporting - a necessity for almost any organization.

Overheard on the streets: "All cultures steal."

A key phrase that comes to mind "Do it smarter, not harder."

There was a song back in the 60s by Al Wilson called "The Snake." The lyrics: "Oh shut up, silly woman," said the reptile with a grin, "You knew damn well I was a snake before you took me in."

Snakes have fangs. Rattles. No legs. Do you know a snake when you see one?

First: The wisdom of the words of Harvey Pitt, former chairmen of the SEC on regulatory changes. See the video clip: Harvey Pitt, CEO of Kalaroma Partners, former chairman of the SEC speaks to Martin Soong and Sri Jegarahaj on the Madoff scandal.

A bit of history if you live under a rock and have not heard about this fiasco. Allegedy $22 billion alone was discovered in October when the SEC finally moved in on Madoff's Ponzi scheme and it is suspected to get worse. Update Dec. 25 - Now thought to be $50 billion.

Madoff is currently on bail of $10 million.

The interview with Harvey Pitt is entitled: SEC is Badly in Need of an Overhaul: Analyst . "Don't mean to get your back up from the get-go," begins the interviewer:

The SEC's inspection and examination program is badly in need of an overhaul,
said Harvey Pitt, former chairman of the SEC, after the SEC failed to uncover the Madoff scandal even when red flags were raised. In the videod interview, Pitt tells CNBC's Martin Soong & Sri Jegarajah what needs to change -- not more regulation, not less regulation, but smarter regulation.

Complaints were launched re: Madoff years ago. In 2005, it was found Madoff had lied to or mislead the SEC and yet the SEC took no action (William Donaldson was chairman of the SEC at that time). Credible complaints must be investigated, notes Pitt.
_______________________________________________________

Lets disconnect for a moment from a federal regulatory agency and a $50 billion fraud, to take a look at your shop. Applications for daily life?

Complaints abound, I'm sure. How do you recognize a "credible" complaint? Well, it has to do with gut feeling. About the person making the report, to begin with; and about the person being complained about, to end with.

It's a twinge when you see someone, a sense that something's wrong, smelling a rat, knowing at the gut level, as Hamlet did, that "something is rotten in the State of Denmark," and likewise, a sense that the person "complaining" is credible. Because you have a sense of trusting them - you "feel like" you can trust them. Because you've had a lot of experience with people. A SENSE ... we keep coming up with that. It's our senses (sight, smell, touch, and internal feelings) that give us the most crucial information. When you say "I KNEW he wouldn't work out," and then go back and process how you knew, and what you did not pay attention. "Against my better judgement..." Some define intuition as "knowing without knowing how you know."

More businesses and firms are dealing with theft, deception and intentional fraud these days. I spoke with a lawyer the other day whose new secretary had forged firm checks during her first week (and is now incarcerated).

Hard times increase both the possibility and the opportunity.

It helps to have keen intuition ("gut feeling"). To increase yours, to recognize its signals, and to learn to trust it. Get in touch with your feelings ... your GUT feelings ... the knot in the stomach, the sense that something's not right, the twinge at the sight of someone, the hair standing up on the back of your head, knowing whose 'got your back' and who doesn't, who lies and who doesn't, the name of that tune you keep humming when you see her ...

Lets face it, even the TSA in the DFW airport has moved to give screeners more latitude in using their instincts. Why? You tell me!

It's not always on paper. It's within us, or within those who have well-developed 'feelers.'

The Fort Worth newspaper said that the TSA was planning to "get away from the by-the-numbers mentality used to create the TSA." They plan to vet passengers' reactions and intent, not just search for banned items. Hawley, administrator of the TSA was quoted as telling screeners, "We have seen more images, more people, more shoes than anyhody ... you know what normal looks like."

Do YOU know what "normal" looks like? Do you know what a snake looks like??

Like the other emotional intelligence competencies, intuition (gut feeling) can be developed. And why would you want to? In a teleclass I taught on intuition a couple of years ago, I asked the class how you know it's intuition. Someone replied, "It's when you are absolutely certain."

Last example, a coach I trained in the UK who uses emotional intelligence training for people in high-danger jobs like oil rigs and nuclear plants. She teaches them about their intuition and how and when to trust it, their gut feeling*. Trains them to get back in touch with those "feelers" that tell us "something just isn't right" or "something has changed." In a nuclear plant you MUST notice when something is different ... a strange hiss, a silence where there should be noise, a sneaky look ...

*gut feeling probably comes from the vagus nerve. According to wikipedia, the vagus nerve is:

... the only nerve that starts in the brainstem (within the medulla oblongata) and extends, through the jugular foramen, down below the head, to the neck, chest and abdomen, where it contributes to the innervation of the viscera.

You know how when something really hits you, you say "I had a visceral response"? The vagus nerve goes from the brain stem down into the intestines. Why an anti-depressant might make you constipated. Why when you're afraid, you might sweat, throw up or have diarrhea or be unable to breathe well. Why when you mistrust someone you might get 'nervous' - tight stomach, twitching leg, urge to run away.

Lastly, your "shop" may be your family. Your kids tattle on each other all the time, right? How do you know what to believe? My mom used to say she had eyes in the back of her head.

There are signs. Pay attention to them. Learn how YOUR intuition, or gut feeling, speaks to you.

How Many Times Are You Going to Fall for That?

"If you can learn who to avoid and who to seek out, that's a lot easier than continually getting hurt"

If only people had this skill.

The fascinating article entitled FRIEND OR FOE, CROWS NEVER FORGET A FACE, IT SEEMS from the NY Times, ends:

Dr. McGowan and Dr. Marzluff believe that this ability gives crows and their brethren an evolutionary edge. “If you can learn who to avoid and who to seek out, that’s a lot easier than continually getting hurt,” Dr. Marzluff said.
“I think it allows these animals to survive with us — and take advantage of us —
in a much safer, more effective way.”

One of the emotional intelligence competencies is intuition or gut feeling. It is your surest guide to whom and what to trust. Take THE EQ COURSE and get the edge.

Emotional Intelligence is Strategic Thinking

Emotional Intelligence IS Strategic Thinking.

In today's mailbag, an ezine from H. Glenn Ebersole, Jr., Founder and Chief Executive of J. G. Ebersole Associates and The Renaussance Group™, who is in my networking group.

Full of helpful information, Glenn entitles one article "Critical Skills Needed To Be A Strategic Thinking According to Your Strategic Thinking Business Coach." He defines strategic thinking as a process whereby you can arrive a good decision related to your work or personal life. "Strategic thinking," he writes, "involves developing an entire set of critical skills."

And what are those critical skills?

The first one he mentions is:

Critical Skill #1: They have the ability to use the left and right sides of their brain. This skill takes practice as well as confidence. Developing the logic and creative sides of your brain are tremendously valuable.

This is precisely the value of taking THE EQ COURSE and the coaching that goes along with it. Full of neuroscience (about the brain), it shows you how to develop your analytical thinking and then go beyond it to WHOLE BRAINED thinking or BALANCED BRAIN THINKING.

This allows you to zone in on the sort of thinking we call "gut feeling," where, if you're in business (or relationships), resides the best judgment, truest perceptions, and sounded decisions. Gut feeling, or intuition, highly developed (which you can learn through EQ) is why two financial advisers can read the same "fundamentals," (left brain, analytical) and one make a 20 bagger, and the other pick a stock that tanks.

TAKE THE EQ COURSE ONLINE WITH EMAIL AND PHONE CONSULTATION, OR COME TO DALLAS FOR A DYNAMIC AND LIFE-CHANGING 1 1/2 DAY SEMINAR. eMail me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for more information. Seminars are held monthly and can be arranged to meet your schedule.

STRATEGIC THINKING is essential for what you want to accomplish in your life. One of my top 5 strengths on the Strengths Finder is STRATEGIC. I can help you come up with the strategy AND I can teach you how the parts of your brain work, and how to get them working TOGETHER, for synergy. This is particularly important for men, where the communication between the right and left hemispheres of the neocortex is weaker and needs to be developed.

Contact me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for immediate assistance.

We train in Dallas in state-of-the-art facilities, strategically loved just 20 mins from DFW. All seminars led by Susan Dunn, M.A., Clinical Psychology, and founding member of Coachville.