How to Retain Top Employees

"Because I said so," isn't going to cut it, writes Bob Furniss of Touchpoint Associates.

In his article, Furniss discusses the vital difference a relational boss makes to the success of the organization.

From the article:

Almost everyone has had a bad relationship with a boss drive us away from what was otherwise a good job or company. But consider how many times you have hung on to a bad job when the relationship with your boss was strong!

If you'd like to improve your relational skills and emotional intelligence, contact me for coaching. I coach professionals, lawyers, doctors, and bosses.

The costs of employee turnover are expensive, and cross many categories. If you'd like to learn more about how to hang on to good empkoyees, take the EQ program, or email me for coaching. sdunn@susandunn.cc .

See the full article HERE.

Thoughts for Memorial Day 2008

I REMEMBER ...

Memorial Day -- a time to honor those who served, and also to re-member.

I'm going to preface this with a little story. Once back when, when I was overwhelmed with big house, kids, dogs, busy husband -- my mother-in-law said to me, "You will think back on this as the best time of your life. Really."

And now for Memorial Day. Well, I coach many people, and a fair percentage of middle-aged folks "in transition." Some of the men are going through memories, processing past stages of their lives, including Vietnam. Since that war had less pubilc support and acclamation than others, it is kind of different, but how different can "war" be? War is war, and as Ulysses S. Grant said, "it is hell."

However, something struck me in listening to a friend of mine who works at a senior apartment complex. It is very upscale, and some of the residents are in their 90s, even some nearing 100. I also have a young friend who works there as a waitress. She just started that job so I asked her the other day how it was and what she did. She said, "I listen to the old men talk about World War II. It is the most meaningful job I have ever had."

So here we have gentlemen who served in World War II, talking about it every morning when they are in their 80s and 90s. Was it the best time of their life (as my father said, who served in WW II), or the worst (as my friend says about Vietnam -- yet he talks about it all the time)? Was it, as Dickens so ripely began his great novel, "the best of times and the worst of times"?

The intense times in life makes the memories. If you feel yourself in a war zone right now -- literally or figuratively -- you might just consider that thought. You will surely be looking back at the time later one, with mixed but potent memories.

Dating Online?

Dating coaching can save you a lot of time, because you can learn from the mistakes of others. So why not email me (sdunn@susandunn.cc) or give me a call - 817-741-7223 and invest in some dating coaching NOW. I coach both men and women ... so imagine all the experience you can learn from.

Article of interest ... Queensland University finds "online daters lack caution"

From the article:

"The social disinhibition that online interactions allow means some people are carried away by their feelings and don't use their heads as they would in normal social situations when meeting people."

Dr Bambling said has seen people in counselling regarding the
consequences of making emotional investments in people they had been emailing after meeting them on line.

"They often become quickly emotionally involved and invest in the other person before meeting. After meeting they move too fast because an emotional relationship actually started when they began interacting online before meeting, in which time they build up a fantasy view of the other person," he said.

"When they do meet, often the other person is not always what they had imagined but if they are already emotionally invested they go out anyway.
______________

This is why I recommend you move quickly from email, to phone, to a Real Date. It saves a lot of time in the long run. It saves you from throwing good money after bad, so-to-speak.

Want to know more? Get in touch with me when you're ready for some serious dating, with serious results.

Beyond Money

From the email bag: How To Find Your Way Back Home the name of the article. It went on to talk about how we live in a world that often focuses on the importance of making money.

In fact, I was interviewed recently on Life Lessons from Movies' radio show about the movie, "Friends with Money," and they kept asking me questions about how to make more money in the world!! For many people, it has become their obsession... But for many of us, as well, we have a stronger inner need, a desire for meaning and purpose in our lives beyond the material.

I was heartened the other day to run into a young woman. She works as a waitress at an upscale retirement home. I asked her how the job was going and what she does, and she told me:

I listen to the old men talk about World War II. I love it. This is the most meaningful job I have ever had.

Want to explore "beyond money?" I coach lots of people in transition - from this to that. Get in touch with me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

What the Sea Squirt Knows ... and Depression

One of the reasons I want to tell you about this book - SPARK - is because it contains one of our favorite stories ... the story of the sea squirt. I've heard this story in reference to professors who achieve tenure, and also civil servants of the same.

Ratey uses the sea squirt as an example of the relation of exercise to optimal brain functioning and thinking and his premise that only a moving animal needs a brain. The sea squirt, you see, is hatched with a rudimentary spinal cord and 300 brain cells. It has only hours to find a spot of coral on which to put down roots of die. When it does put down roots, it eats its brain. Ergo, only a moving animal needs a brain.

But that's just an intro. The book is full of the correlation between exercise and GOOD THINGS, such as better academic performance, alertness, attention, motivation and good health. Among the areas Ratey claims well-effected by exercise are stress, depression, ADD and aging.

Incidentally Ratey cites depression as the leading cause of disability in the US and it seems to respond particularly well to exercise (v. drugs).

Dr. Ratey, a psychiatrist, claims exercise relieves serious depression better than Prozac, citing the SMILE (Standard Medical Intervention and Long-Term Exercise) study at Duke University which found that both exercisers and Zoloft takers were equally likely to recover from major depression, but that the exercisers were more likely to still not be depressed 2 years later than people on Zoloft or who took Zoloft in addition to exercising.

How much does exercise matter?

Every 50 minutes of exercise per week correlated to a 50% drop in depression levels.

For EQ coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . Ask for the retro rates.

The Apology

It's entitled "Doctors start to say 'I'm sorry' long before 'see you in court'."

This article discusses doctors expaining their errors and apologizing to the patients and the effect it is having on malpractice lawsuits. And perhaps as importantly, on doctor/patient relationships. It's referred to as "full disclosure" here.

From the article:

At the University
of Michigan Health System, one of the first to experiment with full
disclosure, existing claims and lawsuits dropped to 83 in August 2007 from 262 in August 2001, said Richard C. Boothman, the medical center’s chief risk officer.

“Improving patient safety and patient communication is more likely to cure the malpractice crisis than defensiveness and denial,” Mr. Boothman said.

It is often difficult in today's world to say "I'm sorry", admitting fault ... and insurance companies have long recommended against it, but sometimes it's what we really want when we are the offended party.

And, defensiveness and denial are simply not good emotional intelligence - at work, in relationships or anywhere else.

Email me for EQ coaching - sdunn@susandunn.cc . Coaching for professionals, coaches, and interested others.

Baby Mine, Happy Mother's Day

BABY MINE ... Happy Mother's Day

One of the most complex relationships in our lives ... and one of the most enduring.
For coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

EQ- and the Job Interview

LET ME GUIDE YOU THROUGH THE FOG

Interviewing for jobs? Looking for a new job? Just moved to a new location?

Of course you know to prepare. Yes, be able to answer "What's a problem that happened on the job and what how did you handle it?" and "Tell me about yourself."

We all know those pretty well by now!

But considering that most people form their impression of you in the first 30 SECONDS, there's another little bit of homework you need to do.

Especially if you're new to an area ... and you can really consider any new job environment a "new area."

One of the most important areas you could research is to find out how the people dress.

FROM TODAY'S MAILBAG:

Susan, I just moved to the Dallas Fort Worth area. I didn't know
there was a rivalry between the two. I started out working at a firm in
Dallas, but the commute (4 hours a day) was too long. So I tried Fort
Worth. When I walked in for my interview, dressed like I did in Dallas, the woman said, "We don't dress like that here." It seems in Fort Worth you wear some color, and in Dallas, black is fine.

Later I had a temp job. The receptionist told me they liked most
temps, but they did get rid of one. "We just couldn't stand the way she
dressed."

The next interview in Fort Worth I thought I'd done better but it turned out long hair is also "out". The man interviewing me looked at me, then turned to the other woman in the room, who had that shaved hair cut, and said, "I like your hair." That was a slam.

What do I do???? I need a job and I'm stuck between these two cities.

Do your research in this area. It's best to "fit in" as well as you can. Look up the place on the Internet and check out the dress code. Talk to people you know who might know. Go for the middle of the road, neutral look.

You might even go so far as to keep some things in your purse - a set of plain pearl earrings and then gold loops. You will usually have some time between your entrance and the time you meet with the interviewer to get the lay of the land. Like when you sit in the receptionist area. Use this time wisely, to look around and see how things are. Adjust accordingly.

For coaching, call me at 817-741-7223. I'm here to help.

Also ask for me ebook, "Acing the NEW Job Interview." Email me to order.

Guitarist, Defense Consultant_ Jeff Baxter, an Improbable Story

This photo is in the public domain, because it's from NASDA.

Reading Jeff Baxter's bio on wikipedia gives you a surrealistic feeling -- can this be true?

It was, and is, and I repeat it to encourageyou in all the things you want to do anddream of doing.

Jeff Baxter, guitarist, was founding member of Steely Dan and a member of of the Doobie Brothers band. He was born in 1948.

Wrote one commentator, "Baxter had a keen interest in weapons systems (did that give you a jolt?), which began when he was researching music technology. A self-taught expert, it continues, Baxter read everything he could about weapon systems. Today, Baxter chairs the Congressional Advisory Board on Missile Defense and is a highly paid consultant for clients like Northrop Grummanand General Atomics. "

The photo above is rather current and is in the public domain because it was taken by NASA.

Ready for more?

Jeffrey "Skunk" Baxter continues studio work. He occasionally plays in The Coalition of the Willing, a band comprised of Andras Simonyi, Hungarian Ambassador to the US; Alexander Vershbow, US Ambassador to SouthKorea; Daniel Poneman, formerly of the USNational Security Council and now of theScowcroft Group; and Lincoln Bloomfield,former US Asst Secy of State forPolitical-Military Affairs.

Baxter fell into his second profession,defense consulting, almost by accident. Inthe mid 80s, his interest in music recordingtechnology led him to wonder about hardwareand software that was originally designed formilitary use, i.e., data-compressionalgorithms and and large-capacity storagedevices. As it turns out, his next doorneighbor was a retired engineer who hadworked on the Sidewinder missile program. This man gave him some magazines to read andencouraged his interest in military defensesystems in particular.

(all this from wiki) He wrote a 5-page paper proposing converting the ship-basedanti-aircraft Aegis missile into a rudimentary missile defense system. He gavethe paper to Ca congressman Dana Rohrabacher, and his career as a defense consultant began.

To read more about this, go HERE.

For coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Multigenerations in the Workplace and in the Home

Any day at work you may deal with different cultures and different 'generations.'

Let's say your boss is a Generation X and calls you in just to check up on things, and when he does, out of respect, he has you close the door and he puts his phone calls on hold.

Then you wander down the hall to get something from the 20 year old Millenial generational who is "busy" with 10 things and on her cell phone, whirlwinding with technical things, making sure everything fits into her life the way she wants it to ...

and you, the Baby Boomer, somewhere in the middle, where you value face-to-face interaction but also consider someone talking to you AND to their cell phone as just plain rude. You prefer email and voicemail when you can, because it's efficient, but you do like someone to stop working when you stop by their office and at least acknowledge you.

So that's the day in the office.

Even more discomfitting is that we all deal with this with our families as well, and often, these days, different cultures thrown in there as well.

I was talking to a client the other day, a 60 year old gentleman, whose sons-in-law are both from Israel, and he's very uncomfortable with the way family get-togethers are run. He gets there at noon, ready for the barbecue, nothing has happened by 2:15, some of them aren't even there yet, and, as he says, "who wants to stick around?"

Want some coaching? Give me a call or email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Being able to get along with other people is one of the most valuable lifeskills you can master!

Prayer and emotions

Notice how this prayer links the emotion of anger with sorrow and other emotions. Also the physical - my BONES are dismayed.

Supplication (Samuel II 24, Psalms 6)

And David said to God: I am very sad. Let us fall in the hands of God, as His mercies are many, but let me not fall in the hands of man.

Compassionate and gracious One, I have sinned before You. O Lord, full of mercy, have mercy upon me and accept my supplication.

O Lord, do not rebuke me in Your anger, nor chasten me in Your wrath.

Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am pining away; heal me, O Lord, for my bones are dismayed.

And my soul is greatly dismayed; But You, O Lord—how long?

Return, O Lord, rescue my soul; Save me because of Your lovingkindness.

For there is no mention of You in death; In Sheol who will give You thanks?

I am weary with my sighing; every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears.

My eye has wasted away with anger; it has become old because of all my adversaries.

Depart from me, all you who do iniquity, For the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping.

The Lord has heard my supplication, The Lord receives my prayer.

All my enemies will be ashamed and greatly dismayed; they shall turn back, they will suddenly be ashamed.

[prayer if from the Holy City Prayer Society in Jerusalem]

It starts with the coining of a new word - kluge, which rhymes with huge. It's ...

“a clumsy or inelegant — yet surprisingly effective — solution to a problem.” Something you probably do all the time; I know I do.

As an EQ coach and student of the human brain, I found the book review by Annie Murphy Paul interesting.

Marcus is a prof of psychology at New York Univ. and director of the NYU Infant Language Learning Center.

Marcus says that kluge is a good description of the human body.

Writes Paul:

Take the spine. It would make more sense, and spare us much Advil, if we had
four cross-braced columns of vertebrae instead of a single vulnerable one. Or the retina: it faces the back of the head rather than the front, burdening us with a blind spot where a clump of wiring gets in the way. We’re a collection of patches and fixes, held together with the biological equivalent of duct tape — the handiwork not of an intelligent designer but of the rough-and-ready processes of evolution.

Here I might add that it's good to remember we evolved from a creature on four legs, and hanging limbs off a spine like that made sense. When my back got to hurting when I was pregnant, my good ole country doctor told me to get down on all fours and give my spine a little relief. Are these bits of advice "homey" and "silly." Um, not at all. It helped and, after the fact, made sense.

Murphy adds:

Evolution “kluges” its solutions because it has only the crudest tools at its disposal: genetic mutations and millions of years. Natural selection can select only from what genetic accidents have made available, and the features it chooses may remain in place not because they are optimal, Marcus writes, but “because evolution just didn’t find a better way.”

Neuroscience tells us of the triune brain - one brain on top of another, on top of another, progressing upwards from the reptilian brain, which evolved a LONG time ago, and thus will always be the strongest. Envisioning the brain this way helps to explain the conflicts we all have - it's one brain wanting one thing, and another, wanting another.

Paul faults the author for such 'obvious-ities' as: "Whenever possible, don’t make important decisions when you are tired or have other things on your mind.” I would add here what my psychology professor told me in grad school -- that EVERYTHING is "obvious" once it's een pointed out. It's just that we are "the fish in the water." Sometimes we MISS the most OBVIOUS things.

But so much about emotional intelligence is common sense, which has NEVER been common, and still isn't.

In fact I bet there's someone reading this who makes a note-to-self -- don't make important decision when you are tired!

I would add an even more obvious adage, that we miss over and over again -- Don't talk or deal with things when you are angry. And down here in south Texas, don't deal with things when you're too HOT, is another one. When the reptilian brain takes over, we can't think, and that's when we do a lot of harm.

In fact I'm coaching a man who said the other day, "I've learned to say 'I'm going to end this meeting now before we both say something we regret.'"

There's nothing wrong with a time out.

Keeping your mouth shut is sometimes a good policy. I'm a DATING COACH, and I often have to remind new-daters that one needn't, in fact shouldn't, tell everything right away, especially the bumps and warts and so forth. And don't talk negatively about your ex, or how 'awful' dating is. Those kinds of comments seem to beg the question that you are (1) unhappy; (2) in therapy; (3) both!

How about "don't tickle a gorilla." Learn to notice what's going on with the OTHER person, so you don't "walk into the blade of a fan."

For coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . Let me help you get what you want!

US Elections, Emotional Intelligence and Greek Drama

EQ applications?

Why is emotional expression so important? It means, basically, having words for thing.

Now, let’s take the current election. There’s a FEEL to it that most of us try to grasp, try to find words for.

I lament the passing of the Classic Education – you know, liberal arts, great literature, music, Verdi operas and Shakespeare’s plays – because at some point in each of our lives, there is going to come a time when you are going to need a vocabular that only the classics, history and myths can supply for you.

This is why all lovers are poets, and also, all mothers whose sons die young are poets.

In his article, “Yes, it’s politically incorrect but race matters,” Anatole Kaletsky reminds us of some facts – that there is nothing new under the sun, that we can at times find ourselves in our own Greek tragedy.” (This article is entitled "Yes, it's politically incorrect, but race matters.")

What does this mean – Greek tragedy? Kaletsky continues,

“The 2008 US election has all the makings of a Greek tragedy, in which noble heroes and heroines are forced to follow a course to catastrophe, divinely preordained as punishment for sins and blkunders committed by their forefathers in the dim and distant past. In acting out their ineluctable doom, the eloquent protaganists do not just destroy themselves but also their cities, their nations and even their entire civilisations.”

Strong words … but if you’ve ever found yourself caught in a 'Greek drama', you know the “ineluctable feeling.” There’s a force to it, a drag force. There's no other word for it ... and that's what we're after here. You may have to go THROUGH it, but it's 10x as bad if you can't describe it.

It’s awful, of course, but it is also helpful to know the words for it. For instance, watching the kid down the hall who seems to want his job, and yet be, at the same time, determined to get fired. And all this flying beneath his own radar screen.

I created a Mythology course just for this sort of thing. One should not be, for instance, Prometheus, without knowing it; but then of course you might want to behave differently, and therefore change the outcome.

There is always free will, of course. Feelings change. They also needn’t dictate behaviors. Why would you base any decision on a "fleeting feeling"? (One of the chapters in my course, actually, is called "A Permanent Reminder of a Temporary Feeling," from the J. Buffet song. (How is that different from intuition? Take THE EQ COURSE and find out.) Part of the joy of developing your emotional intelligence is understanding, finally, that you are not your feelings, and that you always have options.

Unless you’re in a Greek drama of course, under the pen of Sophocles. (Bear in mind also that if you aren’t mindful, you can well be playing a part in someone ELSE’S Greek drama.)

I do a lot of DATING COACHING. I nearly always have a client who is embroiled in their lover's DRAMA, just playing a part without being aware of what's going on. You should also be aware of this in dating someone newly divorced, for instance, or someone who hasn't resolved stuff from the past. You will find yourself in a 'drama' - where you are mistaken for a pst wife, a past girl-friend, even a parent!)

Are you? Study emotional intelligence and learn more.
eMail me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .
Ask about THE EQ Course, The MYTHS course, personal coaching, and DATING COACHING.

Opera Prompters, Life Coaches & Emotional Intelligence

HOW ARE COACHES LIKE OPERA PROMPTERS?
BTW, what's an opera prompter?? And what's that got to do with emotional intelligence?
by Susan Dunn, M.A., Personal Life & Dating Coach
sdunn@susandunn.cc

5 hours you’re standing on-stage, often not singing yourself, but still required to be present. How do you keep from drifting off? Soprano Christine Brewer, soprano with the San Francisco Opera, admitted, in a Wall Street Journal article by Thomas S. Burton, entitled “It’s Not Over (Yet) for Those Who Cue Divas,” that in a recent 5-hour performance of Wagner’s TRISTAN UND ISOLDE, it happened to her. She drifted off, and Jonathan Kuhner saved her life.

Jonathan Kuhner … Philip Eisenberg … know these names? Philip Eisenberg’s name appears on the SF opera program as “Philip Eisenberg, Assistant for Artists, Emeritus. What do these gentleman do? They’re PROMPTERS for operas, and, according to one source, there are fewer than 10 prompters working full-time in U. S. companies these days.

Are they needed?

Well according to Baritone Nathan Gunn, “They always get the biggest applause at cast parties.” One can imagine how many lives and careers they have saved. Don’t you wish you had one?? Well now you can ... but read on.

Gunn pointed out that if you see a singer standing longer than they should at front-center stage, it’s probably because they’re lost and looking to the prompter to lead them back.

Or looking for confidence. A recent article described James Johnson, 68-year-old prompter, descending into the prompter’s box (it doesn’t even have a real name!) minutes before the beginning of Tchaikovsky’s “Eugene Onegin,” where, as the orchestra of the Chicago Lyric Opera began, he kept the beat with his hands, said the first word of many lines, and [exuded] confidence so the singers stayed calm.”

Many of the prompters are ‘of an age’ – many operas must be known (and remember, each has ‘so many words’), and many languages (those ‘many words’ are not always in the singer’s native tongue). They also have to have a lot of emotional intelligence. Opera singers say they can also serve as “your voice of reason and practicality,” when the conductor speaks in that foreign language they do, i.e., “sing like an obelisk,” or “you’re making a sound that’s domelike. I want a parabola.” The opera stars look to the prompters to interpret.

Don’t you wish you had one at work, when your boss says “prioritize according to the functionality,” or “I don’t care, just make sure you choose the RIGHT place.” (This is what personal life coaches do – help you interpret.)

Or don’t you wish you had one to guide you through your role as leading man or romantic heoine in your own romantic drama? Someone to help you keep the beat (how often to call her, how often to see her), to interpret the silence (why doesn’t he call?), or to translate the foreign-speak (“What does a woman mean when she says…?”) This is what personal life coaches do.
Back to those opera prompters, I guess since the orchestra sits between you and me in the audience, and the singers on stage, we do not hear, for instance, when the beat gets ragged and the prompter pounds on the floor of the box to make the beat more pronounced to the singers. Or when, according to a Wall Street Journal article about prompters, Christine Brewer lost her way, started singing the role of another, and the prompter leaned out of the box and yelled, “Stop singing.”

The WSJ article hastens to laud Ms. Brewer’s voice … why are we so hesitant to acknowledge that needing assistance about certain things does not negate other skills? Of course you’re tops in the field of law, but that’s a lot different from courting the woman of your dreams? Of maybe you’re Wife and Mother of the Year, but your career sure could use some coaching.

Prompters are like coaches, because they prepare the singers beforehand, as well as guiding them during. “The prompter’s job,” says Burton, in the WSJ, “combines the skills of a conductor, musicologist and linguist, with an unusual ability to listen to the orchestra, keep time with the hands and deliver the singers’ lines a moment before the downbeat.”

Kuhner describes it as “juggling.” That’s often how I feel as a coach – maintaining the beat for the client’s juggling act!

“Operas just have so many words,” said soprano Susan Graham, in praise of the prompters, who are making a comeback. “I’m a big lover of prompters,” she said.

Need it be said that in Italy, where they originated, they’ve continued all along, but opera houses in the U. S. are bringing them back after a lapse.

Wouldn’t you like to have a prompter when you’re stage-center, whether it be in dating, career, parenting or retirement? That’s what coaching is all about: preparing you beforehand, and making it easier during, for a professional and successful outcome. It’s someone to teach you the lines “when there are so many words,” to interpret the words of others, prompt you and prepare you so you are self-assured, and stick with you until your Perfect Performance is completed and the applause is ringing in your ears. Also I might add, and this will make you laugh -- to tell you when to stop singing!

A personal life coach can also greatly increase your productivity. Caruso wouldn’t have thought of performing without a prompter, and because of this, he typically did one opera one night in one town, and another opera the next night in another town.

Consider, for instance, if you are seriously looking for a lifetime partner on online dating sites. How on earth do you keep track of it all, and how do you know what to do when with each contender … kind of like a 5-hour Wagnerian opera isn’t it? Thank heavens for prompters, and thank heavens for coaches. I know I have greatly increased the success-capacity of many clients, and together we have pulled off some “bravo” and “encore” performances.

“My coach is someone to come back to and check in with along the way,” says one of my clients. “Susan eliminates a lot of static for me so I can concentrate on my game.”

In fact, pretty similar to WSJ’s description of a prompter as “…a safety net and a friendly face, allowing performers to concentrate more…” adding, “They help keep complex and loud passages together.”

For coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . Dating coaching a specialty.

Supreme Court and Death Penalty

How do you make a decision? By the rules, but your intuition and experience? What constitutes "good judgement." What if you have to enforce something you personally think is wrong? We face these situations in our lives. If you face one of these as a Supreme Court Justice, how you feel and how you make the decision can have massive consequences for many people.

From "Courting Disaster" by Jonah Goldberg:

The court ruled that the state of Kentucky may continue to use lethal
injections when administering the death penalty. But that's not what's shocking. Nor was it surprising that for the first time Justice John Paul Stevens admitted he thinks the death penalty is unconstitutional.

What is staggering, or at least should be, is that Stevens freely
admits that he no longer considers "objective evidence" or even the plain text of the Constitution determinative of what is or isn't constitutional: "I have relied on my own experience in reaching the conclusion that the imposition of the death penalty" is unconstitutional.

Justice Antonin Scalia, in a blistering response, justifiably exclaimed
that, "Purer expression cannot be found of the principle of rule by judicial fiat."

It sounds like Stevens has decided it is "just plain wrong" ... and yet his job is to enforce the constitution. Send me your thoughts on this one - sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Mother's Day,a very emotional occasion

"Where Are All the Mother's Day Articles?"
by Susan Dunn

I went looking for Mother's Day articles for my blog and ezines. I write my own stuff, but I wanted to see what the temperature would be this year. As I perused the article warehouses, I found there wasn’t much, and what there was, was defensive.

One site I scanned had poetry submitted by readers. The titles? "Mom, Give Me My Baby Back," "So Much to Forgive," and "I Know I Was Difficult to Raise." Young women seemed to want their mothers to back off, while men were characteristically silent. If there's one subject both sacred and profane, it's a grown man and his mother.

Most men struggle for years trying to manage the women in their lives: the mother, the wife, the daughter. He loves them all, and cannot please them all. In fact pleasing one will often displease the other. It takes EQ and maturity to maneuver this land-mined territory, to appreciate the plenty, and dole out his attention with confidence. The place of the mother? He loved her first and has loved her the longest. More true today than ever before, with the divorce rate at 50%, and the fact that daughters often alienate from their father when he remarries. "Blood is thicker than water," my middle-aged client told me, as he faced losing not just his wife, but her family, and all their in-common friends as well. "My mother told me that," he said. Then he added, "But who ever listens to your mother."

As the proverb goes, "When you die, your sister's tears will dry as time goes on, your widow's tears will end in another's arms , but your mother will mourn you until the day she dies."

But how yuchy. How unmanly. Well, that, too, needs to be worked out.

There were some sentimental poems of praise, but they read phoney. "You were always there when I needed you"? No one can ever be that. That's simply not possible. "You will always be my mom"? Yes, in the grand sense. No, in the other sense, at least for those of us who don't try and steal our grown children's babies and lives. But, yes, the feeling will always be there, packed away in the place where we put the deep feelings we had, have, for relationships the nature of which has changed. My little boys are somewhere with their father, my ex, with my own mom and dad, now deceased, and a few others.

The silence is both sacred and profane. The love too great to write about, and the anger too uncomfortable to think about. Let's use a child-like word - "hate." Well, you can't hate your mother, that's all there is to it. That we spent a fair portion of our childhood being thwarted by her, as it seems to us as children, and therefore quite angry with her, is something we certainly wouldn't want to talk about on Mother's Day, but which will certainly come to mind, so we are silent.

We all harbor within that shrieking, finger pointing School M'arm who visited in our home at times, ready to crack us across the knuckles with a ruler, or worse. She took away whatever we wanted and loved - the kitten, staying up late, the "inappropriate" boyfriend, the spandex mini, THE FREEDOM.

To confuse things, our home was also visited by the Angel of Mercy, by Kwan Yin, the goddess of compassion, the One Who Comforts. Yes. She comforted us, the hardest thing on this earth to come by.

We seek it later in drugs, alcohol, strangers in the night, therapists, counselors, and ministers, as well as in prescription medication, yoga, mystical experiences, running, massage, and music.

That anxious, scratchy feeling we live with, which is a combination of physiological reaction, emotions and thoughts we call stress, is harder to assuage as we age, and we live in a society that's particularly opposed to the idea of a need for soothing. We would rather sweep it under the rug, endure our heart attacks and keep going.

It's as if we thought if someone took a 15 minute break during the day and sat in a rocking chair with a headset on, listening to Rachmaninoff, well, next thing you know, they'd be sucking their thumb and crying, or, worse, would never return to work.

Other cultures build more time into the day for soothing, like a long lunch hour, where everyone goes home for a visit with loved ones, a good meal, a nap, who knows what. Few of us in the US will ever know. One term being used these days is "cocooning," which is nice, because it doesn't raise alarm that we're all infants inside and likely to crumble at the slightest mention of that fact. Having recently moved to a new city, a big metropolis, I’ve noted that the large skyscrapers have a masseuse on-site – for the whole deal, or just a “chair massage,” with charges by the minute. I see this service being used.

It isn't "infantile" to react physiologically to stress by wanting to get the heck out of there. Like every other living creature, we like to feel good, and things, and others, and deadlines, and crabby people, and nasty tones of voice, and worries plague us and make us feel otherwise.

We want to feel smooth, with no negative emotions. We want out nerves and emotions soothed, comforted, smoothed out. Where is Kwan Yin when we need her most?

Mothers have it easy, because to comfort an infant is pure reflex, and feels just as good to the mom as to the infant. After that, once the infant is perambulatory, it is never so easy again, but every infant remembers, and every mother as well, and hopefully we learn a little emotional intelligence of our own.

So we get rid of that school m'arm finally, and take off on our own, and find a partner and set up our own home, and we don't miss the school m'arm, not at all, but the angel of mercy? What an ache. The partner can't quite get it right. He reaches out when you want to be left alone. She talks when you want silent understanding. He tries to hug you when your nerves are on edge. She won't let you get physical when that's the only thing that would help.

Mom would've known exactly what to do. Or so we think, in retrospect.

That part is true, or partly true. I generally knew what my sons needed. I might not be able to supply it at the time for various reasons, ranging from being busy with something else crucial, to not being there at all, to sensing they would fight my ministrations as "infantilizing," but I knew. Perhaps more importantly, I cared. I would have soothed and comforted them if I could have, and/or if they would have let me. I saw they were upset and I cared. Sometimes you can go days without having that happen in your adult life.

Of all relationships, the mother one is the most complex, because it's the most primitive. We knew when we entered this world we could not survive without her. Therefore it mattered a lot what she did.

I hope your mom was "good enough," that she got it right most of the time, and you knew she cared. Most of us, once we have kids of our own, get a big "ah hah" about the whole thing. I remember standing in the kitchen one day with the 6 year old screaming for help with some toy, and the infant just screaming, and their father screaming in his own way for something else, thinking, "Oh. Now I see. That must've been going on that time my mom forgot to pick me up at school."

Actually we work on this into adulthood. At one point my mother said, "I knew you were hurting, but there was nothing I could do." One day, in respect to my own grown child, I grew into an understanding of that as well. I had felt abandoned by my mother, and knew my son was going to feel abandoned by me. However, she did care, she listened, and she knew, in her wisdom, that anything more she might do would be moving in and taking over my life, which neither one of us would ever forgive. Now it was going the other way.

My mom and I, we had our good times and our bad. My feelings about her will always be ambivalent, and strongly so. That's how most of us feel about our moms. But I feel about her very deeply, beyond words.

That's why there's so little written about it. It's too important.

So go ahead and celebrate Mother's Day with all your various feelings, just like the rest of us, acknowledging what is rarely written – that it’s probably the most emotional ‘occasion’ on the year’s calendar. My son will be coming over at noon to take me out for lunch. I'm really glad he's coming. I just hope he chooses a decent restaurant, not one of those …

JUST KIDDING!!

For coaching, or coach training and certification, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Testosterone, Emotions and the Stock Market

Very interesting article in THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, Science Journali CALLED "Testosterone May Fuel Stock-Market Success or Make Traders Tipsy."

Quoting from the article, som EQ-type tidbits:

• ...scientists exploored how the natural chemistry of fear, confidence and exhiliration can influence financial choices in ways that defy logic ...
• "We want to know how the endocrine system and the brain work together to produce financial behavior."
• from MIT financial economist Andrew Lo - "We need to understand that physiological aspects of brain behavior really impact financial decisions."
• To all surface appearances, "the experienced traders were quiet and poker-faced, in control," said Dr. Coates, a former Wall Street trader. "In fact, underneath their cool exteriors, their endocrine systems [emotions] were on fire. It is almost as if they had learned not only to control these hormones but also to harness them."

This is almost a definition of emotional intelligence -- i.e., learning to control/manage your emotions but, more importantly, to HARNESS them.

Want to learn how? Take THE EQ COURSE. Special retro prices until the emotional economy calms down. :-) email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for more information, or visit www.susandunn.cc/EQcourse.htm and then email for special price.

We learn better when we learn together.

EQ EQ EQ

Check this out - written by a UK gent and his Netherlands partner.

http://zenhabits.net/2008/03/twelve-keys-of-emotional-intelligence/

From the article:

In business networking emotional intelligence is an important element also. The sensitive handling of questions and conversational leads is a great way to establish trust and help find areas of common ground, whilst not being seen as pushy or interfering. A good way to develop emotional intelligence is to practise the pregnant pause. This is not as stupid as it seems. A deliberate pause stops you from jumping in too soon and it also helps with listening skills because it forces you to think about what has been said and actually answer it in a measured way. All in all emotional intelligence is a powerful asset to nurture.

PS -- The BEST way to develop your EQ is with coaching and THE EQ COURSE! And ... because of what Brian mentions (above), introverts can make some of the best "networkers."

Dating Coach

Remember, I'll be talking about the movie FRIENDS WITH MONEY on http://www.innerlightradio.com/ this Tuesday at 12 noon CST. Tune in and join the discussion. We learn best when we learn together.

And ... speaking of marriages and assumptions ...

From a dating site, this guy is a psychiatrist (divorced).

Q: What have you learned from your past relationships.

A: You have to devote time and energy to the relationship. Many
times the relationship or the family should be treated as if it was a
"job." It actually is the most important one. Despite common delieve
[sic], it is not a place to express or satisfy childhood needs.

Whoa! I'm not sure I agree fully with that statement. Email me and tell me what YOU think about this - sdunn@susandunn.cc .

What a Stroke is Like

In this video, neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor talks about different functions of the brain and also shows a real brain and how the division are between the right and left hemispheres. She had the misfortune of suffering a stroke on the left side, and talks about what it was like.



email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for coaching, Internet courses, and the popular EQ Alive! program.