the island of emotion, sesame street

Sesame Street, The Island of Emotion

What you Do About Being Frustrated

It isn't about being frustrated, it's what you DO when you're frustrated.
All about emotional intelligence.

A baby's crying is limbic - basic - it's designed to make us do something about it. Very, very compelling. Like other "drives" that we have.

Do you know how to handle them? If not take The EQ Course and coaching and start learning now.

Babies Discriminate ... What Do Parents Do?

It is not a surprise to those of us who study emotional intelligence that children learn from how we are, how we feel and what we do rather than what we say.

"Practice what you preach" is an important concept to everyone, and especially with children, who don't miss a cue.

This is from the article "See Baby Discriminate: Kids as young as 6 months judge others based on skin color. What's a parent to do?"

At this point, something interesting happened. Five families in the last group abruptly quit the study. Two directly told Vittrup, "We don't want to have these conversations with our child. We don't want to point out skin color."

Vittrup was taken aback—these families volunteered knowing full well it was a study of children's racial attitudes. Yet once they were aware that the study required talking openly about race, they started dropping out.

It was no surprise that in a liberal city like Austin, every parent was a welcoming multiculturalist, embracing diversity. But according to Vittrup's entry surveys, hardly any of these white parents had ever talked to their children directly about race. They might have asserted vague principles—like "Everybody's equal" or "God made all of us" or "Under the skin, we're all the same"—but they'd almost never called attention to racial differences.

They wanted their children to grow up colorblind ...

Those "discussions" with children are very important, probably primarily because they help US, the parents, to get into integrity about how we think, feel and act.

Monitoring Your College-Aged Kid on Facebook

Don't you just love the Onion? How a Mom can keep track of her grown college-aged son in college ... on facebook.

Leonard Cohen Tennessee Waltz

There is no poet like Leonard Cohen:


Lyrics | Tennessee Waltz lyrics

How to Avoid the Landmines of Thanksgiving

How to Avoid the Landmines of Thanksgiving ... including Thanksgiving Etiquette

The holidays are coming. It means festivities and joy, but it can also mean stress, anger, resentment, family dynamics you're sick of, extra work at the office, grinding travel, amped-up kids, weather problems, and, because of all this stress on your immune system, illness. What can help? Emotional intelligence and etiquette. Etiquette exists to grease the wheels of social interaction, and make the other person feel good. Here are some common dilemmas, what to say, what not to say, and why.

1. The invitation. While you may be waiting for the best offer, your hostess wants to know that she's the best offer. At the same time, you don't want to be left home alone. Sound familiar? BEST RESPONSE: "Yes we'd love to come," (yes please) or "I'm sorry we already have plans," (no thanks) or, (if shopping, have excuse ready) "We'd love to, but I can't say 'yes.' We're waiting to see if Fred's folks are coming. [sigh] You know how that is."

AVOID: "Um ... um ... I don't know. Can I let you know later?"

STRATEGY: If you are shopping for the best deal, have prepared ahead of time a plausible reason (Fred's folks) to delay a response.

2. The hostess replies to the above.

BEST RESPONSE: To 'yes' - "Glad you can come" and give details. To 'n' - "I'm so sorry. Maybe another time." To the 'waiting' - you take the lead here. If you want them to come, say "Well let me know. It's an open invitation. And if Fred's folks come, they're welcome too." If you think they're looking for a better deal and are annoyed, UNinvite them, but do it this way: "Oh, okay then. Maybe another time."

AVOID: Confrontation, as in, "What's the matter? Are you looking for a better deal?" Or losing i: "That's the last time we ever ask you over."

3. The monster-in-law. (weird uncle, abrasive sister, etc.) who picks a fight. Let's say she says, "Oh, [ha ha] I see you still can't be bothered to iron a blouse."

BEST RESPONSE: Ignore it, smile, change the subject. "It's so good to see you. How was the drive?" or "Please pass the mashed potatoes."

AVOID: Taking the bait. Do not get angry and allow yourself to get sucked in to discussing whether a blouse should be ironed, whose business it is what your wear, her mental health, your opinion of her personality, or why she feels she has to bring this up every time. (Bile and pumpkin pie don't go well together!)

4. The game. If watching the game is vitally important to you or your spouse, and you've been invited to someone's house, deal with it -- but subtly.

YOU: "Oh we'd love to come, but Tom has just GOT to see the game at 5 pm." Then your hostess can say that's not a problem, or "Oh, I'm sorry. I understand. I guess we'll have to get together another time."

AVOID: "We won't come unless Tom can watch the game." It's not your event to plan. Also you don't want to overtly suggest that the game means more than an invitation to their house (even though it does).

5. How to keep the guests from staying all day and all night.

THE INVITATION: "We'll be eating before the game, so why don't you come about X. Then it won't have to be a later evening, you know ... the kids ... it's a work night for Al ..."

AVOID: I want everyone out of my house by 7 pm.

6. How to get them to go home once they're there.

BEST TACTIC: When it's time for them to go home, give strong nonverbal signals. Appear to be restless or bored (start fidgeting or look around). Yawn. Get up from your chair and start emptying ash trays. Yawn. Start massaging your tired back. Let the conversation lag. Ask one of the guests, "Do you have to go to work tomorrow?" and glance at your watch.

AVOID: Go home! Leave!!! I worked all day, I'm exhausted, and I have to clean all this up and then go to work in the morning.

7. The parting. When you, the guest with the high EQ, sense it's time to go home, stand up, announce that you must lave, and start heading toward your coat/the door. Your hostess will then say, "Oh, please don't go," or "Must you leave so soon?"

BEST RESPONSE: Insisting you stay is a formality. Ignore it, and take your leave, Because of No. 6, and also because it's always best to leave them wanting more.

AVOID: Taking that literally - that's naive.

ALSO AVOID: Getting into a whole new conversation at the door. Talk as they escort you to your car, or whatever, then thank them again and go home.

8. The gift - should you or shouldn't you? No one's going to refuse a gift, or think ill of you for bringing one, come on! But is it required? No. But it's always welcome.

UNLESS: You bring a food or another item that "one-ups" the hostess or appears to be correcting a fault.

SUCH AS? Such as bringing a fancy gourmet pumpkin pie or (surely dear readers, none of you would do this) a lovely bathroom hand towel when she has never had anything in the guest bath besides paper guest towels).

SO WHAT'S SAFE? A bottle of wine or liqueur, a box of chocolates, or fresh flowers.

9. The cell phone.

BEST ETIQUETTE: Turn your cell phone off or leave it home. Unless you are on-call (I mean like a doctor or therapist). If you are in the position of possibly having to deal with an emergency (say your aged mother is flying to Beirut that day), say that you have this pending, and "I hope everything will be alright, but I might have to take a call." Then set it on vibrate. If it goes off, get up and go off in private to talk.

AVOID: Talking on your cell phone! Pay attention to the real people who are there. This isn't a "virtual" event.

POSSIBLE EXCEPTIONS: Very casual, all-family gatherings where those who couldn't be present call to join in.

10. The conversation. As a guest, it's your job to participate and be pleasant, keep the conversation going, and help everyone have a good time. Make them grateful that you came. You'll get an A+ if you: Smile, and if you have a list of safe and positive topics, the discussion of which makes people feel GOOD (weather, kids, Christmas plans, movies, the new shopping mall, books, travel).

You'll get an F if you: Bring up controversial, tasteless and/or upsetting topics, the discussion of which makes others feel BAD or

UNCOMFORTABLE (your surgery, your mother's ulcerative colitis, Fred's drinking, how hard it was to get there, your divorce, religion, war, politics, your love life, abortion, how depressing and stressful the holidays [your life][Aunt Mary][your work] are, how your sister can't control her kids or your father can't control his tongue, or anything about WEIGHT!. (You get the picture.)

About the Author
©Susan Dunn, MA, Dating Coach, www.susandunn.cc, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc . Susan can help you find the partner of your dreams. Individual coaching, ebooks and Internet classes. Susan also certifies coaches worldwide, in a top-rated, fast, effective, comprehensive no-residency program. Email her for fr*e ezine.

Halloween at the Office

If you're in Florida, in the path of a hurricane, your fears are legitimate and realistic.

Our fears can also be irrational. We recognize this when we see it in others - the child who thinks all dogs bite, or the adult who's afraid to ride in an elevator. When we have a fear like that, we know intellectually it's irrational, but we don't feel that way about it emotionally.

I'm reminded of this as Halloween comes around. My field is Emotional Intelligence (EQ), including EQ at work. I have always written before the December holidays about the emotional issues managers and CEOs must prepare for. They center around religion, which we feel strongly about, one way or another, and how to make everyone happy is a continuing challenge with our growing diversity.

Those feelings are strong, but they can't compare to the fear that generates at Halloween, which is now the second most celebrated holiday in the US.

I'm not a native Texan, and I'll never forget my first Halloween here. The town I moved to is 60% Hispanic, and there's this thing they do where they dress skeletons like a bride and groom. I found this creepy! There's a lot that goes on around Halloween that's creepy, and "creepy" is in the eyes - and minds - of the beholders.

Halloween triggers two things we don't like around an office -- (1) It's "childish," and (2) It's creepy. And each person has their own level of "creepy tolerance."

We can put up a Christmas tree in an office and get little flack, but try putting out a skull and crossbones.

Now I'm going to relate this to the hurricane that is circling around Yucatan as I write, and heading for Florida at the rate of about 5 miles an hour.

For years I refused to take a cruise because someone always invited me in September, "hurricane season." However, I've learned since then that, technically, hurricane season is half the year.

In September of 2003, I was asked to speak on a cruise, and off I went ... into the eye of Hurricane Isabelle.

We didn't know this when we embarked, we only learned about it as rumor and passengers began to get worried. Being quasi-staff, I heard the crew side of it. They weren't concerned about safety as much as extra work. They had to batten down the hatches, calm people, and cancel excursions as they diverted the ship.

Now that's a multi-million dollar ship to consider, so trust me, you're safe. You actually can't be safer than on a cruise ship. Well, I mean you're safe in Boise, Idaho, but as far as where the hurricane might be actually heading. The ship can easily, easily outrun the hurricane. If you're sitting in Key West, or Cozumel, not so. You can't move. Think about it rationally - what does it take to outrun something moving at 5 miles an hour?

In fact my friend tells me that when he was in the navy in Vietnam, they'd duck in and out of a hurricane in order to wash the ship. Five miles an hour, as you know, is very slow.

What happened is we went to Belize instead of Grand Cayman, and encountered some bumpy water and it was windy, but no one was allowed outside, and it basically just made a great story to tell. My fear of cruising during hurricane season was irrational, and when confronted by reality, dispelled. Therefore, when I hear "cruise and hurricane" my emotional reaction is not one of fear. If I were in Key West right now, I would be scared, and my heart goes out to those in the possible path.

There's no feeling that isn't accompanied by a thought, you see. When I hear "hurricane and cruise," my thoughts don't scare me. And looking at two skeleton dolls dressed like a bride and groom isn't going to hurt you, it's the thoughts you're having.

Now how would you feel about going on a cruise when there's a hurricane brewing? Typically my logical explanation and first-hand experience will have had little effect on you. Facts and words, you see, make little difference against fears. You can't reason OUT of someone, something that wasn't reasoned IN to them.

So, back to Halloween, which is fast becoming the second most celebrated holiday in the US: Get your policies in place. Maybe you have a light-hearted crew and run something like a grocery store, where you even encourage employees to dress in costume. Even then you may have to go over the rules of "common decency" (no "dominatrix" costumes!), moderate exposure, and safety.

Or maybe you're like the bank I just visited. Somehow the mortgage dept. had connected skeletons with mortgages, and mounted a promotion with skeletons of all sorts and sizes all over the bank lobby.

How you define "evil" and "satanic," I'm not sure, and you may have to deal with it on an individual basis, even correcting as they show up for the day. Basic guidelines might include:

1. Decent coverage

2. Nothing demonic, or what someone else might consider "evil"

3. Wear something safe - no masks that restrict vision, or clothing that constricts or can catch in machinery or cause you or someone else to trip

4. Get some examples from a site online of what you consider appropriate, and make a list of costumes that are "out." Then ask them to "okay" their costume ideas with you ahead of time.

5. Decorations? Individual cubbies are one thing, and there can be some latitude, but still must remain tasteful. Common areas are another thing. If you're smart, you'll assign someone you trust to "decorate," do it yourself, hire someone, or don't do it.

6. If one person complains about what another person has put up (or on), deal with it the way you deal with other such complaints. With your EQ! (See my EQ Foundation Course)

7. Put the loophole in there. Maintain the right to send anyone who dressed inappropriately "at your sole discretion."

If you work in a more conservative environment, and the only ones I can think of these days would be upscale boutiques, art galleries, certain law firms, and maybe downtown investment firms (because at my bank and at my doctor's office they now wear jeans on Saturdays, and costumes on Halloween), you'll likely centralize decorating, and stick with a fall theme.

As to addressing other's unfounded fears in general, remember that an unrealistic fear is based on a belief, and it's the belief that needs addressing. If a person is afraid to go to the holiday office party (or make a sales presentation), what are they thinking? And what gave them that idea?

As you can see, a general Emotional Intelligence program for the office can cover a vast range of problem areas. Emotional Intelligence is the interface between intellect and emotion and we help individuals and offices change their emotional lifestyles.

Would it serve you and your group, and your communal health, to rethink how you feel about things, exploring what's "realistic" and what fears are unfounded? Things like stress, diversity, cooperation, teamwork, leadership and integrity? These issues are escalating with mounting multiculturalism. One cultures "fun" is another culture's "crazy" or even "scary." Think about it. No, wait, feel about it. And let that be your guide.

Hope you get more treats than tricks!

About the Author
Susan Dunn offers coaching, internet courses, business programs, and ebooks for your personal and professional development. She trains and certifies coaches, and is the author of The Difficult People Internet course, interactive. Visit her on the web at www.susandunn.cc, and mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc . Email for fr** ezine.

Thanksgiving Etiquette

Thanksgiving: Will they be glad you came?

Thanksgiving Day is coming. Will you be the guest? If so, why not brush up on your etiquette?

When you're invited give an immediate reply. Your hostess wants to know you want to be at her house, not that you're waiting for the best offer. If you decline, the polite response is "I'm sorry, we've already got plans."

If you accept, ask if you can bring something. Your hostess' response will give you a clue to the degree of formality to expect. If she says, "No, no, just bring yourself," you can expect something more formal. If she suggests a side dish, more likely casual or buffet. If the hostess doesn't volunteer, inquire about the dress code.

If you're going to have house guests at the time say, "Well, we'd love to but Alex' folks will be here." If your hostess simply cannot accommodate two more people, she can say, "Oh, I'm so sorry," and then that's that. These social amenities are designed to keep us out of trouble. Reasons can hurt feelings. Phrase it so no reason need be given. In other words, don't say, "May I bring them along?" Etiquette is about making the other person feel good. The hostess should tell you when to come, i.e., "around noon," or "2 o'clock." She may give you an idea of how long you're expected to stay by saying something like, "Come at 2 and we'll eat at 3 so you can get back home to watch the game at 5."

When you arrive, it's nice to bring a gift. Do not bring food (unless requested) and that might appear to compete with the hostess. Flowers, wine or a guest soap are safe.

From the minute you arrive, you're "on." It's the responsibility of each person to contribute to making it a festive occasion. This means come armed with a smile, a jovial attitude, and a list of conversation starters. Safe ones are the weather, plans for Christmas, where they work and what they do, movies, books, hobbies, children and recent travel.

Avoid topics that would upset people -- things that are innately controversial, such as political issues, and also a litany of your stresses or aches and pains, or even the hard time you had getting there for the afternoon because you're so busy, or the car wouldn't start or the dog got out, or your recent surgery. Leave your troubles at the door, and smile. It's a time to relax and enjoy and get away from the strife. Keep your conversation light and pleasant. In other words, focus on the things we're all grateful for.

If someone's experienced a recent loss you can allude to the fact and say "This must be a difficult time for you." Let them choose whether they want to pursue the topic or not. They may prefer to keep their mind off their loss. Avoid, on your own part, complaining, war stories, off-color jokes, anything you feel intensely about, nattering on about something that might bore others, getting drunk and inappropriate, and anger. It's a day of thanksgiving - gratitude - after all.

After you've greeted and visited a bit, ask the hostess if there's anything you can do to help. If not, continue mingling, being sure to spend some time with each guest.

If there are kids, take your turn entertaining them. When it's time to be seated, ask the hostess "Where would you like us to sit?" unless she indicates. At table, be considerate of others. If it's a big table and things are being passed, be sure the salt and pepper get passed around (they go together; they're twins). Start the side dishes several times, especially the gravy. Usually when people begin eating there's a lull in the conversation. That's a good time to say how great the stuffing is or to ask what's in the salad dressing. Special alert: at nearly every table, someone is going to be asked to say the blessing. Might it be you? I'd be prepared, if I were you. At most tables there will be one conversation.

If children are present, be sure and include them. If a really large group, talk to the people on either side of you, and across from you. Follow the hostess' lead. When everyone's through eating, look to the hostess for cues. If she starts clearing the table, join in. If she doesn't, leave everything as is.

After the meal, it's time to be thinking about going home. Watch the hostess for cues. Let's say you leave the table and are invited in to the living room to sit. If the game's on, you're expected to stay till the end. If it's not, and dessert is served, or coffee and after-dinner liqueurs and/or coffee, enjoy. If the hostess gets up and starts clearing the table and putting things away, offer to help. When that's accomplished, it's time to go home.

If no one gets up and conversation continues, watch the host and hostess for yawns, stretching, or if they let the conversation lapse. These are "get up and go" signals. I can't tell you how many calls I get from people who hosted the dinner and couldn't get anyone to go home. Remember, it's a "work night" for many people. Also your host and hostess have worked hard, and are tired.

When you figure it's time to go home, say, "Well we need to be going home now." Expect the host or hostess to protest, but it's only a formality. Say a nice good-bye with "thank yous" and "you're on your way.

It's nice to send a written thank you note in the next day or two. People really appreciate it these days because it's so rare. Remember don't overstay your welcome. It's better to leave them laughing.

Last thing to mention - if the game is a big deal for you, you'll have to deal with that. I was at one Thanksgiving feast where the television was not turned on, and there were some very unhappy gentlemen there, including the one I was with. So at least consider the possibility and if it's important to you, find out. Here's the polite way to do it: "We'd love to come, but it's really really important to George to watch the game at X:00 p.m." Your hostess can then tell you the game is included, or say how sorry she is that you can't come.

In sum, when you're going as a guest, plan to have a good time and to make a positive contribution. Then you'll be the consummate Thanksgiving guest. A relaxed, pleasant and helpful attitude can make up for any faux pas you might make, so relax and plan to enjoy yourself.

About the Author
©Susan Dunn, MA, Professional Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks. Dating, emotional intelligence and career. Call when you need to, let me help you. Coach certification program, training worldwide, no residency. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for fr*e ezine.

Mr. Mafioso does Emotional Intelligence

Mr. Mafioso does Emotional Intelligence.

I love Mr. Mafioso on AskMen.

"Look, college boy," he writes, "there are certain lessons that all the books in the world couldn't teach you."

Strikes a chord with me. I came out of college quite the college girl. It was a college in rural Minnesota, very academic, very intellectual. How academic? How intellectual? More students pass the MedCAT from this school than any in the nation, or did at last count. It produces doctors and lawyers, but not necessarily rich ones; more typically labor lawyers and GALs and inner-city clinic doctors, or med and law-school professors.

I think it attracts more than its share of NFs - Idealists (only 8-10% of the population). Whatever job the Idealist has, it's a means to an end: saving the world. This is the college boy Mr. M. is talking about, and the college girl who has to learn to put on her Big Girl Panties, because one can never save the world, but one can lose one's job.

When I left that ivory tower and landed my first job, they saw me coming. Determined to be honest, brave and true (and believing that others were), I got all the extra work, my "job description" expanding to match the infinite boundaries of my naivete; I got the worst equipment; I interviewed students in a closet; and of course I was ostracized just for good measure. Eating lunch alone, I read a copy of "How to Survive in the Real World." J.K.

What I did was get street smart. You know how someone in the office is doing better than they ought to considering their education, and you can't figure out why. Then you notice - she's got street smarts ... she always lands on her feet, she knows the score, she reads between the lines, she gets out when the getting's good, she can smell a rat, she knows a good thing when she sees it?

It's Emotional Intelligence; what Mr. Mafioso talks about in "Street Lessons."

He begins with the litany that all idealistic intellectuals can't accept: "The world isn't fair. It isn't nice. Nobody cares if you get stiffed, if your feelings get bruised or how hungry you are." We're all in the same boat, he alerts us, and it's a rough ride. "Everybody's trying to get a piece of the action, trying to survive. And the street is equally cruel to everyone."

I had to experience this many times before I was willing to let go of how I thought the world should be, or wished it were. Eventually I quit telling my co-workers that I really didn't know what I was doing, etc. after getting shot enough times with a gun I had loaded and handed to someone.

Mr. Mafioso then tells us the thing we least want to hear - that it's out-of-control: You can be on top one day, wondering what the big deal is, then get bagged. "By any of a number of things: family, work, health, divorce, tainted spinach--"

His rules?

1. Keep your guard up. This gels with EQ's "trust radius?" A component of Emotional Intelligence is "trust until proven otherwise." It's not seeing the "otherwise" that gets us in trouble.

2. Stay out of arguments. Wait, he says, until they've worn each other out, and you can see who the winner's going to be. As I put it in my How to Handle Difficult People course, only "fools rush in where angels fear to tread." That quote was from a book I'd read in college. Once I got it aligned with reality, I was fine. Before that, typically I rushed in because I thought I could not BE a fool; I had a college degree. LOL.

3. Meet only when necessary. Mr. Mafioso thinks only girls enjoy meeting just to talk; that Real Men meet only to make a decision. Everyone knows that ... except your boss, right? The one with the M. B. A. from Harvard.

4. Know people. But, he adds, that doesn't mean they need to know YOU. Having friends means connections, opportunities, and information, all good things; but don't disclose anything superfluous.

5. Don't be too proud to retreat. The next sentence is one that hangs up the Idealists, and is often difficult to dispel. Sometimes it's the single goal of my coaching, to get them to quit fighting on principle. If you can't win, he says, give up, back down, go into witness protection (ha ha); having a strategy beats bravery. I think he means "bravado." And "discretion is the better part of valor." Sometimes a college education IS an advantage.

Mr. Mafioso ends that it's back on the bricks for him, "learning everything the hard way and hoping my kid doesn't have to do the same. There's no cure for this thing called life, so it's best to learn certain things early on. Nothing can truly prepare you for it, but if you keep your head on a swivel, you'll suffer fewer 'unfair' surprises."

KEY POINTS here about the kid. When teaching your child emotional intelligence:

1. You're teaching it whether you want to or not, so get conscious and teach GOOD Emotional Intelligence, not BAD Emotional Intelligence. 2. You are never through learning Emotional Intelligence. Get coaching. 3. Let them learn their lessons, don't rescue them unless the house is on fire. 4. Better yet, set up the lessons so they can learn them while they're still under your protection. 5. Connect the dots for them about what you're teaching.

Don't forget to do this; it's the part most parents leave out. Like most of us ask our kids, "How would you feel if Bobby did that to you?" and "How do you think Bobby feels now that you spit on him?" But we fail to tell them we are teaching Empathy - understanding that you have feelings and so does everyone else. Labeling helps to de-mystify the things that mystify us most in life - emotional things.

Tell them you are going to teach them stewardship, give them 3 months allowance at one time, tell them it has to last, and then be there when they spend it all at once and have nothing left. Connect the dots for them, giving it language. It's easier to learn this when you have a net.

Now, back to my NF client that I'm coaching in Emotional Intelligence.

"I can't do that," she says, "it's against my principles." She is preparing to self-sabotage...again.

"Look, college girl," I tell her. "Just put on your Big Girl Panties," aka stress tolerance, creativity, flexibility, resilience, interpersonal skills and the other components of Emotional Intelligence.

It keeps your head on a swivel.



About the Author
©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc . Individual coaching, business programs, employer-referred coaching, anger management, emotional intelligence, relationships, career. Internet courses, and ebooks. Training and certification program. Fast, affordable, on-site and long-distance.

Dangers of Txting and Driving

The UK doesn't pull any punches on this PSA about cell phone usage in cars. And I apologize that this is under "Funny Videos."


Don't Text and Drive - Watch more Funny Videos

Canada doesn't mess around with its Domestic Abuse PSAs

Canada doesn't mess around with its Domestic Abuse PSAs


Canadian Domestic Abuse PSA - Watch more Funny Videos

The holidays are coming and its time, perhaps, for my Difficult People course. It's on the Internet, interactive, fast, effective and affordable. Email me for information. Internet special - $29.99. Paypal me or personal check. sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Babyboomers fastest-growing demo on facebook

What's the fastest-growing demo on facebook? Babyboomers (55 and over). DC, then Chicago, were biggest cities.

From the article:

Researcher iStrategyLabs just released new numbers on Facebook user demographics, and one figure stands out: the number of members who are 55 and older grew 25% in the last month alone. The segment more than tripled the overall rate of growth for U.S. users on the site in the month ending August 4, which was 8%.

What to do after you fight

The people we love the most are often the people with whom we have the worst fights. Here's a sweet song about making up and moving on ...

Come a little closer baby ... on a bed of sweet surrender where we can work it out...
Dierks Bentley's "Come a Little Closer".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zP5M2ZRinU8

It's about getting the egos out of it and making up. "I feel like stripping it down." This song is all about the different emotional levels, communication, getting in that loving place and staying there.

If you don't think you're beautiful enough

A couple of years ago I had a super model in my coach certification program. She wanted to become a coach so she could tell young girls about this. It was wonderful to get this woman certified as a coach so she could extend her reach and fulfill her mission. Now she works with teenagers and young women.

Finding your Soulmate

I am often asked about soulmates.

This is a question that is often asked psychics and astrologers too, as we all quest for love. To a coach, a person might ask for a "soul mate" or "someone who is perfect for me."

I think Skye's discussion about soul-mates is good. She recommends this instead of looking for a Soul-mate:

Change your definition of soulmate. Call to yourself someone who is open and real. Call to yourself someone who is genuine and capable of love on a real everyday level in a real everyday world where people get up and go to work and pay bills. Call to yourself someone who knows how to show and express their love without manipulation and head games. Call forth a forever kind of love. Call forth a best friend that you can sit with in your rocking chair on the front porch when you are too old to make love anymore. Call someone who loves you enough to kick you in the butt when you are screwing up. Call forth someone who will shout from the rooftop when you are deserving of praise too. Call forth someone who is a loyal and faithful lover willing to learn and grow with you behind closed doors. Leave the rest to fate. Don’t define them.

"Call to yourself," is good. It's about the Law of Attraction.

But let's talk for a minute about making lists when you are dating or looking for "the right woman/man."

Many coaches want their clients to make a list of what they want in a mate, who they're looking for. I recommend it too, but probably not in the way you might think.

I think having a list works well for values, lifestyle, intelligence and some basics (like good grooming, which I think we all would want, wouldn't we?). Also things like wanting kids or not wanting kids -- issues around which there isn't a compromise -- it's a "yes" or a "no." But the trouble comes when you get too specific, especially about PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

For instance here's a list I got from Amy:

I want a man who's:
Medium height
30 years old
Brown hair
Brown eyes
Curly hair
Muscular build, like a weight lifter or professional athlete
Medium complexion

Well, I think this leaves a lot to be desired. What if "Amy" met a man who was blond that had all the important things that Skye talks about above? What if she met a man who was 31 or 32?

Physical characteristics may cause initial attraction, but, as we coaches say, "That's not love, that's something else."

And as far as physical characteristics go, here's an interesting point. According to studies, the one that applies the most -- get ready for this -- is the person's third finger.

Go figure.

The Queen, the Crown, and Etiquette in the Workplace

BBC apologizes to Queen Elizabeth II

Read my article about this event called "Queen Elizabeth. Her Crown and Etiquette in the Workplace." (Pardon the typographical errors that were not in the original article.)

Gut-feeling: Don't leave home without it

HEAD OF HERCULES (CC Flickr User giopuo.)

Intuition or Gut-feeling (an EQ competency) - don't leave on your quest without it. (Take the EQ course, or EQ coaching to learn more).

Do you know the Myth of Jason and the Golden Fleece?

When Jason outfitted the Argo (his ship) to go off on his heroic journey for the Golden Fleece, he hand-picked the brightest and the best. This included "the best seer, Mposos, (before whose amazing skill Agamemnon's seer, Calchas, will later admit defeat and die or be killed after laughing at Hercules."

Does that surprise you? Of course he had fighters too, and those with physical skills. But Agamemnon had "his" seer as well. Every leader did (and still needs to). Myths are symbolic, of course, and that's why they convey so much wisdom. A seer is someone who can predict the future, and as you know, the data always runs out, so we need our intuition or gut feeling, if you will, to chart our course. Think of a successful stock broker. Well, first of all, my stock broker got me out and into a safe haven just before this latest decline. How did he know?? It wasn't just by looking at the data, or all the stock brokers would have gotten all their clients out in time (and then the economic scene would be even worse, but let that pass for now). Where does the gut-feeling come in? Whatever field you're in, you study the data, and then at some point - with all important decisions - you have to take what might elsewhere be called "a leap of faith."

We all have intuition - it's a basic survival skill. It's how you know to get away from things that are harmful. Intuition, or gut-feeling, can be developed, but for most of us, it's a matter of learning how to integrate intuition with rational thinking; learning how your intuition speaks to you ("I had that sinking feeling," "I felt sick after the interview," "I knew to get away from him because he made the hair on the back of my neck stand up."

Intuition is called gut-feeling, BTW, because of the vagus nerve. Read more about this in the Intuition ebook, Intuition course, or EQ Course.

Back to Jason and the Golden Fleece. Jason hand-picked men with all the skills required. In addition to the best seer available, he also included a tamer of rocks and beasts, a psychopomp and giant-killer, a horse and boxing-expert pair known as the Dioscuri, and so forth.

From the article:

*Timothy Gantz treats the Argonaut Mopsus as the one whose prowess leads to Calchas' death ... Calchas knew he would die when he met a superior in the art of prophecy. Mopsus was this seer. The questions posed (as in Apollodorus VI) were either the number of figs on a fig tree or the numbers of piglets that would be in a sow's litter...

Ever wonder why there is ALWAYS a RIDDLE when a hero sets out on their journey? They are talking about intuition, or gut-feeling. It is always a "trick question." Think about it.

More on this later.

Meantime, increase your intuition and gut-feeling with The EQ Course, and EQ coaching. Don't leave home without it!

To learn more about the my Magic of Myths Cour. It's on the Internet. $29.99. Email sdunn@susandunn.cc for information and to register.

What Physical Attribute of Your Date Effects You the Most?

Q: What physical feature about someone we're dating effects us the most? (It's not what you think it is.)

From today's email bag:

Dear Dating Coach:

We were having a great time, and then I remember he reached over for the dessert we were sharing, and there was something about his hands. Not dirty, and no bitten nails, etc., I just knew I 'registered' something. I thought they were pretty and delicate, but at the same time, I don't like "pretty" or "delicate" hands on a man. What am I to make of this?

++++++++
This is interesting because I am reading Diamond's THE THIRD CHIMPANZEE where he spends a good bit of time talking about how we choose our mates.

Note that choosing a marital partner is much more of a choice than choosing a one--night-stand. In fact the chapter this is in is called How We Pick our Mates and Sex Partners. It is very important to know what you are doing -- Are you choosing a mate, or a sex partner is the first thing I ask clients!!!

First let me say that you, personally, in your choice of partner, are allowed to prefer what you prefer. In other words, there's a woman out there that would fall instantly in love with this man BECAUSE OF those same hands that turn you off.

That's the wonder of love!

That having been said, in his book, Diamond cites scientific research where he uses words such as coefficients and significant. To unpack these terms, coefficients means the different things that influence something, and "significant" is a scientific terms meaning that the numbers show a difference. Yes, it arbitrary, but not as arbitrary as saying, "I (your personal opinion) think people choose mates according to the color of their eyes." "Correlation" means they relate, but be cautious about cause and effect. i.e., People eat more ice cream on hot days. The heat is more likely to cause the eating of ice cream than the ice cream to cause the day to be hot ... but with more complicated issue, people don't always see the line of causation properly! (I know you've experienced this misconception.)

FROM THE BOOK:

Coefficients for physical traits are on the average ... not so high as for personality traits ... or religion ... but still significantly higher than zero. For a few physical traits the correlation is even higher than 0.2 [which is the average overall for physical traits] -- e.g., an astonishing 0.61 for length of middle finger. At least unconsciously, people care more about their spouse's middle-finger length than about his or her hair color and intelligence!
I can't say I was conscious about this, but I sure am now. (Which is what Emotional Intelligence is about -- self-awareness.)

Something DEFINITELY REGISTERED when she stopped and took a look at his hands. And it was something negative.

A: the length of their middle finger

What are we going to do about anger?

What are we going to do about anger?

Only love can break a heart. What can mend it?

THE PRODIGAL SON BY REMBRANDT. I was lucky enough to see this painting in the Hermitage.
Rembrandt had four children, only one of whom survived.**

Only love can break a heart. Only love can mend it again.
Time can bring you down. Time can bend your knees.
Many people use the term "going mad" in reference to the loss of a child. Eric Clapton wrote "Tears in Heaven" "to keep from going mad," he said.
David Grossman called it "hell in slow motion."

Grieving the loss of a loved one is hard work. It is painful, so painful that you can be tempted to shut down and not do what feels like compounding the situation. To face the full brunt of the loss of the death of a child, or loss of a spouse or parent takes tremendous courage, even spirit. Yet we know from emotional intelligence that if you stuff down one emotion, you stuff down ALL emotions. If you want to ever feel joy again, then you must grieve -- go through the experience, not around it. I told myself during my hardest grieving period that I was carving out a valley to later be filled with joy - the depth of the joy one day to be equal to the depth of the loss. I believe that with love, faith and hard work, the part of you that is still alive comes back one day ... and you want to be available for that.

Whether you've lost a spouse, a child, a sibling, a parent, or a dear friend ... the developmental task is to be willing to love again in the face of such a terrible loss. As Betty Ann Rutledge, a program director for grieving families writes:

But how do we heal those gaping holes in our hearts? How do we learn to live with our grief? One of the gifts of our community at Bereaved Families is our model of mutual support. I hear time and again from newly bereaved (and not so newly bereaved) people the comfort and relief that is felt when one has an opportunity to connect with someone who has experienced a similar loss. “Finally, someone who understands.” “It’s so good to talk with someone who really “gets it”. “I thought I was the only one who felt this way.” “If they can survive, maybe I can too.”

We know, from emotional intelligence, that ISOLATION is harder on health than smoking, obesity, and high blood pressure combined. And by isolation, we mean being isolated emotionally -- from other people and oneself. One of the hardest things about grief is being alone. In fact, the loss of a child often breaks up a marriage.

Call me if you would like to talk about your grief and your loved one. Together, we will say their name. See resources for the Loss of a Child.

More thoughts ...

Gene Pitney, "Only Love Can Break a Heart. Only Love ... Can Mend it Again"



Eric Clapton's four year old son Connor fell 53 floors to his death from a Manhattan high rise in 1991. His death inspired Clapton to write the hit song "Tears in Heaven." This song has special meaning to me and my son Chester.

From Eric Clapton:

When I try to take myself back to that time, to recall the terrible numbness that I lived in, I recoil in fear. I never want to go through anything like that again. Originally, these songs were never meant for publication or public consumption; they were just what I did to stop from going mad...

When it came out, it was the biggest-selling album of my entire career....But if you want to know what it actually cost me, go to Ripley, and visit the grave of my son.

Many people have used poetry and art to work through their grief when they lose a child. Rembrandt, Shakespeare and Clapton are some examples.

Read about Rembrandt's painting by Twelker, psychology professor emeritus. Twelker, Paul A. (2003). Rembrandt and Psychology: Reflections on The Return of the Prodigal Son. Internet resource available at http://www.tiu.edu/college/psychology/rembrandt:

Psychology asks meaningful questions, especially if we have the spiritual ears to hear. Spiritual truth and psychological meanings can be complementary. We need not be afraid of the discipline of psychology if we allow the Spirit of God to quicken our souls and our minds to His truth. The point that I am making is that the master artist reveals a depth of understanding of this parable that is both spiritual and psychological. You can understand the concepts of love, relationship, guilt, motivation, pride, jealousy, repentance and forgiveness through the study of psychology. And you can even deepen your understanding through personal experience. And then, at some point in time, prompted by the Spirit of God, your soul is stirred to its very depths and you awaken to new meanings of life...of redemption...of mercy...of refreshment. It is then that you realize that the discipline of psychology is but humankind’s noble attempt to understand truth--and that is a very God-honoring ambition.

William Shakespeare lost his son, Hamnet, when the boy was 11 years old. He wrote it out perhaps in "Hamlet," probably for sure in "King John."

This is from "King John"

CONSTANCE

I will instruct my sorrows to be proud;
For grief is proud and makes his owner stoop.
To me and to the state of my great grief
Let kings assemble; for my grief's so great
That no supporter but the huge firm earth
Can hold it up: here I and sorrows sit;
Here is my throne, bid kings come bow to it.

Seats herself on the ground

[In a later scene]

CONSTANCE
No, I defy all counsel, all redress,
But that which ends all counsel, true redress,
Death, death; O amiable lovely death!

CARDINAL PANDULPH
Lady, you utter madness, and not sorrow.

CONSTANCE
I am not mad: this hair I tear is mine;
My name is Constance; I was Geffrey's wife;
Young Arthur is my son, and he is lost:
I am not mad: I would to heaven I were!
For then, 'tis like I should forget myself:
O, if I could, what grief should I forget!
Preach some philosophy to make me mad,
And thou shalt be canonized, cardinal;
For being not mad but sensible of grief,
My reasonable part produces reason
How I may be deliver'd of these woes,
And teaches me to kill or hang myself:
If I were mad, I should forget my son,
Or madly think a babe of clouts were he:
I am not mad; too well, too well I feel
The different plague of each calamity....

And, father cardinal, I have heard you say
That we shall see and know our friends in heaven:
If that be true, I shall see my boy again;
For since the birth of Cain, the first male child,
To him that did but yesterday suspire,
There was not such a gracious creature born.
But now will canker-sorrow eat my bud
And chase the native beauty from his cheek
And he will look as hollow as a ghost,
As dim and meagre as an ague's fit,
And so he'll die; and, rising so again,
When I shall meet him in the court of heaven
I shall not know him: therefore never, never
Must I behold my pretty Arthur more.

CARDINAL PANDULPH
You hold too heinous a respect of grief.

CONSTANCE
He talks to me that never had a son.

KING PHILIP
You are as fond of grief as of your child.

CONSTANCE
Grief fills the room up of my absent child,
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
Remembers me of all his gracious parts,
Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form:
Then have I reason to be fond of grief?
Fare you well: had you such a loss as I,
I could give better comfort than you do...
O Lord! my boy, my Arthur, my fair son!
My life, my joy, my food, my all the world!
My widow-comfort, and my sorrows' cure!

FROM A FRIEND OF WALT WHITMAN'S

In the middle of the room, in its white coffin, lay the dead child, the nephew of the poet. Near it, in a great chair, sat Walt Whitman, surrounded by little ones, and holding a beautiful little girl on his lap. She looked wonderingly at the spectacle of death, and then inquiringly into the old man's face.

'You don't know what it is, do you, my dear?' said he, and added, 'We don't, either.' (Mary Mapes Dodge, friend of Wal Whitman's)

Robert Lowell, on the death of his son: "Identification in Belfast"

..."When they first showed me the boy, I thought oh good,
it's not him because he is a blonde--
I imagine his hair was singed dark by the bomb.
He had nothing on him to identify him
except this box of joke trick matches;
he liked to have them on him, even at mass.
The police were unhurried and wonderful,
they let me go on trying to strike a match...
I just wouldn't stop-- you cling to anything--
I couldn't believe I couldn't light one match--
only joke-matches...Then I knew he was Richard."

David Grossman lost his youngest son Uri during the Israeli offensive in Lebanon. Grossman is a novelist. Grossman described it as "hell in slow motion, all the time."

It's a painful life, now. It's like hell in slow motion, all the time. I don't try to escape grief. I face grief in an intense way in my writing, but not only in my writing. If I have to suffer, I want to understand my situation thoroughly. It's not an easy place to be, but so be it. If I'm doomed to it, I want-- it's a human predicament, and I want to experience it....

Anything that is calm and safe seems to me like an illusion.