The Politeness Pundit

THE POLITENESS PUNDIT
by Susan Dunn, Coach

Is that you? If so, huzzah, you’ve found a fellow champion (and I, you)!

Do you walk around shaking your head these days, wondering why it all has to be so nasty? Do you listen to someone cop an attitude to someone else (beyond the age of, say, 18, where copping an attitude is expected) and have that ‘nails on a blackboard’ feeling? Do you watch someone go after someone else at work in a perfectly awful way, seemingly just for the sport of it, and shudder? Do you wonder where the politeness has gone? And why?

If so, you may wonder, as I do, what their childhood was like that they failed to rise above the stuff of childhood. Now, I’ll admit I had the perfect childhood for exploring my own nastiness and the limitations of the rewards of same. I had a twin sister (as well as other siblings). Twins spend an inordinate amount of time together. It’s the ultimate test: get along or die.

We fought like cats and dogs. Mother would banish us to separate rooms and we’d cry to get back together again (so she said). What’s a mother to do? Eventually she gave up, smart woman that she was, and let us sort it out.

What was I to do? My twin took my necklace, slopped her things all over my side of the room, took MY Snicker’s bar, occasionally lost her temper and said nasty things to me, and sometimes (when Mother wasn’t looking, which was most of the time) even slapped me around a bit. And she was always there! That’s the thing: it doesn’t go away.

On the other hand, I never had to start school alone. I could take her Snicker’s bar, as well as borrow her necklace. I never had to wake up alone in the night. And we could gang up on someone who was nasty to one of us.

I can’t say I “struggled" with this; it was just a fact of life, and in some muddled child-y sort of way, I figured out the good outweighed the bad, and that I’d just have to figure out something.

It was helped by an act of fate: my father’s latest promotion landed us in a new high school of 4,000, not knowing anyone but each other. I think we both decided it might be smart to get along with one another.

While we weren’t that crazy about one another at that point, we were all we had. And there’s a sense in which that’s true of all of us, no?

There in that office where you work is this little group of people you’re stuck with all day long, like it or not. So why not get along? Would it be so difficult? No, it would not, and it brings nice results. If you’re the egocentric type – it helps your health. If you’re another type – you’ve learned by now, I’m sure, that sugar works better than vinegar, or however that saying goes.

I’m struck with the irrelevant things people blame their nastiness on – I can’t stand my manager, they don’t know how to do things around here, she gets on my nerves, they don’t appreciate me … and then the I have a headache, backache, teenager at home, PMS. Who doesn’t? That’s an excuse, not a reason.

It isn’t all about you. And check out your premises. Who said you have to like someone to get along with them? Who says you have to be feeling good to behave in a civilized manner?

It’s the same with marriage – barring true pathology on the party of the first part, or the second, you’re going to encounter the same set of bowling pins at the end of every bowling alley. Things are not, nor will they ever be, arranged for your sole satisfaction.

Because we live and work together, we have etiquette (or used to): the rules of how to behave in public. It may be experiencing a comeback. Some of us would be relieved to see more of it.

OFFICE SCENARIOS

·Pollyanna walks through the usual stress-filled office with a big smile on her face and Scrooge says, “Why are you smiling? Are you on drugs or something?"
POLITENESS POINT: If you’re so unhappy you must stamp out all signs of it in others, get therapy.

·Mario turns a corner and runs into someone who snarls at him.
POLITNESS POINT: Since when did we stop walking (as we drive) on the right side (not the ‘correct’ side, the right-as-opposed-to-left side) of the hallway? The rules are what make orderly life possible. You see how many squabbles could be prevented if we did something like this?

·People walk in without greeting one another, which not only makes it impossible for the phone receptionist to know who’s there, but puts a surly tone to it all. POLITENESS POINT: Didn’t your mother instruct you to say “Good morning. Did you sleep well?" when you came to the breakfast table? COROLLARY: Whether you meant it or not. That’s sort of the point.

·Flick hands Flack a phone message, who takes it, grunts, turns oh his heel and walks off.
POLITENESS POINT: What happened to “Thank you" and “You’re welcome."

·Curly, Larry and Moe head out to lunch, not inviting the 4th member of the department to join them, for whatever reason, and saying nothing.
POLITENESS POINT: “We’re going to have lunch to talk about our part of the project. I know you’ve had enough of it, so you don’t have to come."

·Playing the game of “let’s get the new person."
POLITENESS POINT: Frat hazing is for frat boys. Grow up.

·Someone comes from another culture/dresses weird/is known to be a stamp collector/takes punctuation a little too seriously so let’s mob up on them and make their life miserable.
POLITENESS POINT: Very astute, Sherlock, that they’re different, but if you need to make someone else feel small in order to make yourself feel big, get therapy.

·Mary’s bored so she starts a rumor about Harry.
POLITENESS POINT: Isn’t there some work you’re supposed to be doing?

·You’re the boss, it’s your shop, you fought and scrambled to get there, so now you’ve earned the right to act like a petulant two-year-old.
POLITENESS POINT: Life is long. What goes around comes around.
COROLLARY: Do you have any idea what you look like when you’re acting that way?

·When you were climbing up the ladder Attila the Hun was nasty to you, so now it’s your turn.
POLITENESS POINT: Instead of “turn about is fair play," how about getting your knuckles off the ground and treating people the way you wish you’d been treated and weren’t? In addition to giving you a delicious sense of righteousness, it could also save your health, not to mention that of those around you.

·You can’t control yourself because you’re under too much stress/have more to do than everyone else/produce the most/are special.
POLITENESS POINT: Give me a break.

· You don’t like something about someone so you’re rude.
POLITENESS POINT: If you aren’t past the point of logic and reason, did you ever consider they probably don’t like something about you as well, so that’s not a reason!

WHAT IS POLITENESS?

Etiquette and good manners sort of level the playing field in your head. It means how you act regardless of whom you’re with. Therefore it shows more about you than about the other, i.e., Dave Barry’s quote that someone who’s nice to you, but not nice to the water, is not a nice person.

And BTW, the point of being nice isn’t to be popular; it’s about smoothing out daily interactions. Etiquette eliminates a lot of the friction that drives us all nuts. We can all be little beasties. That’s why dinner manner developed … there we all are with sharp instruments in our hands.

SOME ETIQUETTE TIPS:

1.If you haven’t figured out yet that you have a choice how you feel, act and think, and that they affect your health, do some reading, get some coaching, get enlightened.

2.Your Emotional Intelligence, your ability to manage yourself and your relationships (of all kinds), affects your success, happiness, and health.

3.Learn where the silverware goes. One reason people are nasty is because they feel inferior, and there are books you can read and courses you can take that will get you to a level where you’re comfortable. Here, I can tell you in one sentence something that will help: “Work the silverware from the outside in." (There’s more, but not a whole lot more.)

4.Say “please," “thank you," “you’re welcome," and “I apologize." (I apologize is great, BTW, because that you can always do, while you may not really “be sorry" in the strictest sense of the term. (Hey, I’m a pundit!)

5.Ask permission. You may intend to take a cell phone call during the lunch one way or another, but politeness dictates you ask (“I’m expecting an important call I must take. Do you mind?"). The beauty is politeness will dictate they respond, “Why no, I don’t mind at all." See how it works?

6.Read Emily Post (in its 16th edition). Would it help persuade you to know it’s listed on www.navyadvancement.com ?

7.Pay attention to the small things. Walk on the righte side, let others in front of you in line when you can afford to (it’s good self-discipline), smile, use people’s names, pass the salt and pepper, offer to get something or do something for someone else once in a while.

8.Don’t put people who use good manners in the penalty box. There’s a creeping sentiment these days that someone who says please and thank you is a lightweight.

9.Keep some boundaries. It used to be not everyone wanted to hear about your sex life, religious preference, forms of medication you use, or political persuasion. Nowadays there are 50 additional things not imagined 25 years ago that we don’t want to hear about. Save it.

THE PAY OFF

Reduced friction. Less stress.

Studies show repeatedly that money is not the top reason why people stay at jobs. They want an environment of respectfulness, and to feel meaning and purpose in what they do. Etiquette accomplishes both. If you’re in a respectful situation, you respect the situation. Get it?

When the Holiday Office Party is a Seated Dinner

Q: What's harder than knowing how to shine at the Christmas office party?
A: Knowing how to shine when it's a seated dinner.

The open-format Christmas office party is a piece of cake compared to a seated lunch or dinner. At a buffet-type function you can move around, which means you can disappear when you want to. You don't want to get caught hiding out in the ladies' room all night, but since you're free to move around, you can leave any person or group when you want, and even leave the room.

However, at the seated affair you are trapped. If it strikes fear in your heart, you aren't alone. Even for a pro, this isn't easy. Here are some tips:

IT ISN'T A PARTY

Never forget this. It may superficially appear different (new place, new people), but remember everything you say can and will be used against you.

You'll be seeing these people Monday morning. If you think it's hard to face a one-night stand after creeping out of her house in the middle of the night, wait till you have to face your boss Monday morning after getting sloppy drunk Saturday night and spilling your guts about some personal problem you can't handle. I mean how will (s)he expect you to be a competent Marketing Director when you were crying because your cat had died? I know the two things have nothing to do with one another, but your boss doesn't.

Think of the word "mortifying." No one needs to know about your hysterectomy, how well Viagra works for you, that your young wife left you, that you think the new manager stinks, or anything else about your personal life.

You simply are not free to say anything you want to.

FOLLOW THE LEADER

Once seated, you must watch the leader to know what to do. It can be the boss, or his or her spouse, whichever one is dominant. Watch what they're doing. Emily Post may say not to eat asparagus with your fingers, but if your boss' wife is, you really need to think about it. In most cases, I'd go ahead and do it along with her. If you don't, you're making a statement. It's that important what your boss and his or her partner do. Don't start to eat until they do. If they don't order dessert, you don't. Monkey see, monkey do.

CONVERSATION

General conversation while you're being seated will devolve into one conversation dominated by the boss at least for a while, often for the entire meal. Your job is to pay attention. If the boss, sometimes aided and abetted by a crony or colleague, starts in on a monologue, be an attentive audience. Look horrified if something bad happened, laugh if he tells a joke, maintain eye contact, be respectful. It can amount to a performance. It's almost always dominated by males.

FOOLS RUSH IN

There may be lulls in this monologue from the boss. Don't attempt to fill them if you're an amateur. Nowhere does the expression "fools rush in where angels fear to tread" apply more fully.

You don't know this side of your boss. You don't know her sense of humor, what annoys her, what her prejudices are, her religion, or any number of important things that you can step right into if you feel compelled to fill air time. Even the most innocent comment can get you in trouble because it's a very magnified situation - one person talking at a
time to the whole table. What you say will echo and reverberate, all the way to your next performance appraisal.

ETIQUETTE

Timing matters. No choice here. Arrive 15 minutes early and don't leave before everyone leaves.

Don't be the first to complain about anything. No matter how it appears to you, the company (boss) is putting on the affair, and criticisms will be taken personally. Don't send the meat back; don't complain about how hard the chairs are. You're a guest; be appreciative. Save face.

If the boss does complain about something, agree, but be milder about it. Never upstage. If he thinks the salmon is "atrocious," don't say, "I thought it was heavenly," or talk
about a time when you got instantly ill with food poisoning over salmon one time. If he's got a big personality, he'll probably announce the salmon won't do and tell the waiter to take back everyone's. If it's more minor than that, say something like, "Yes, I think you're right, but isn't the risotto delicious?"

Conversation is the focus. Comments should never be made about what someone else is eating or isn't ("What's wrong Marcia? Don't you like the XX?") or doing. If someone knocks over their water glass, help them out surreptitiously, but keep the conversation going as if nothing had happened.

CROSS TALK

If the boss starts a conversation with the person on her side, you may do the same, but be prepared to cease if the boss takes the stage again.

Many people find this practice obnoxious, but the boss is "the presence," and it's their job to hold court. It's work and it's expected. Save any personal issues you may have about this for another time.

FISH BOWL

All of us know intuitively that the person who isn't nice to the waiter isn't a nice person at all. You are being watched.

BLEND

Match behaviors. Sedate, or rowdy, attempt to get with the spirit of the thing. Whatever personal idiosyncrasies you may have about food or spirits, keep it to yourself. No one wants to know that you're on a diet, lactose intolerant, in recovery, allergic to chocolate, or a vegan. Order or eat from what's available, without comment.

METALLIC?

What to wear? Office festive, which means a muted Christmas pin, scarf or tie, but don't be shouting "Christmas." Stay within the normal range for attire at your office adding only a 'nod' to the holidays. If you don't know the difference between "professional dress up" and "party attire," you're going to flunk. This is not a time for skins, latex, cleavage, a lot of hairy chest exposed, a jingle bell bracelet, or anything remotely approaching a "costume."

You may feel like Mrs. Santa or the Christmas Elf that night, but Monday morning you're going to be HR Director or Senior Accountant, and how can they respect you when they were staring at your exposed breasts across the table?

DON'T ENJOY YOURSELF

Sorry, it's one of the most stressful things you can go through. You are trapped for an hour or more of scrutiny, you have to think every moment, and you must've relax.

If you're new to this, observe others to know what to do, imitate the person you think is most savvy, and resist all urges to stand out in any way. There's nothing wrong with sitting there, smiling, and saying a little when spoken to. Observe with the intent of learning. Notice what goes over well and what doesn't, and make mental notes for the next time.

©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Offering coaching, Internet courses and ebooks for your personal and professional development. Visit the best ebook library on the Internet - www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html . Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free EQ ezine.
Article Source: www.homehighlight.org

Etiquette for an Economic Crisis

How to Tell Friends and Family You Can't Afford it - a timely video.

Trying times - what's going on right now - means brushing up on your etiquette.

One good tip from the video - When you talk about the job you lost, be sure you're rid of all the anger.

For the listener, I would add - keep in mind, at the top of your mind that more and more people may be short on funds these days. Think before you issue an invitation. Bear in mind that they may not be able to afford what you can, or what they previously could. In other words be sensitive to their situation.

TIPS

Don't suggest the priciest restaurant in town. And make it gracious. "Lets meet for dinner. How about the XXX Buffet? I'm ready to RELAX ... how about you? In other words, offer a "reason." It doesn't have to be that believable. Just offer it.

Offer to treat the other person. Why not? I heard my sister tell someone she was treating, because they didn't have any money, 'Your money's no good here.'

For a charitable donation? I'm sorry I can't do it right now, but thanks for asking.

If you're the lucky one in the family (or social set) who "has" when someone else "has not" be generous. Why not?

In our family we had a wedding in the fall in another state. One family member doesn't have enough money to travel. Her invitation included a check to cover airfare with just a note "We expect you to come."

Made it nice, palatable, classy.

About the Personalities of Joe Biden and Barack Obama, and about Etiquette

THE QUALITY OF MERCY IS NOT STRAINED is the frequent quote of a gentleman lawyer friend of mine, a man with real social grace, emotional intelligence, and etiquette. It has to do with the exercise of power and the example one sets. Mr. Valdez, you see, is named partner in a law firm.

The article, by Maureen Dowd, is called Oval Newlywed Game. It uses old terminology - the superego and the id:

It can’t be easy, for someone with a highly defined superego to be bound to the wacky Biden id, for one so disciplined to be tied to one so undisciplined, for a man so coolly unsentimental to be paired with someone so exuberantly sentimental.

I love Dowd. οἱ πολλοί ... id ... Jane Austen ... all in one article. And hoi polloi is spelled correctly, not surprisingly.

The article points the different personalities of these men, which is to say, their brains are different. Is this about right-brain, left-brain and whole-brain? Personality, they say, resides in the reptilian brain - our early-learned and ever-enduring (unless one wants to change) ways of perceiving the world, reacting to it, and relating to it. We can ameliorate these ancient patterns, with the higher brains - the limbic and the neo-cortex (right-brain and left-brain, with corpus callosum joining). I might say that Obama has more of an observing ego. And who has the higher emotional intelligence here? The better etiquette?

But the POINT of Dowd's article is all about emotional intelligence and etiquette. For Obama will have to deal with these aspects of Biden's personality, and how he does this will say more about him (superego notwithstanding) than about Biden. Obama has been noted to respond, in interviews, with what Dowd calls "snarky comments" (like "not surprisingly"). Writes Dowd:

It was the “not surprisingly” that was surprisingly snarky.

So snarky, that it's being parodied on SNL, which is brutal about that sort of thing. What more can I say?

The remedy, the etiquette, how a gentleman behaves? What we all know about situations like these. Dowd closes with:

Still, the president should brush up on his Jane Austen. When Emma
Woodhouse belittles Miss Bates, an older and poorer friend, at a picnic, Mr.
Knightly pulls her aside to remonstrate. “How could you be so insolent in your
wit?” he chides, reminding her that it is unfeeling to humble someone less
fortunate in front of others who will be guided by the way she behaves.

That’s how it works ... not surprisingly.

Jane Austen? I'm afraid many readers won't have read Jane Austen, the author of "Emma." This is from the time of 'comedies of manners.' From wikipedia:

Also, it turns out, [Emma] ... is rather spoiled; and, she overvalues her personal judgment and skills...and, she is naive —clueless, even— about the effects of her social machinations on others. Prior to starting the novel, Austen wrote, "I am going to take a heroine whom no-one but myself will much like."

Unlike me, as well, I hope. And you?

Remember ... others are watching. Especially when you're the Leader. They will be "guided by the way [you] behave."

Executive coach, Susan Dunn, M.A., Dallas

Susan Dunn Executive Coach in Time article

There's a hug, and then there's a hug

Susan Dunn, M.A., Executive Coach, is quoted in Time Magazine, Are Hugs the New Handshakes?,
By Laura Fitzpatrick

And let's not forget the increasing popularity of workplace hugs, which can be especially confusing, notes Susan Dunn, an executive coach in Dallas. "I have to say, 'O.K., there's a hug, and then there's a hug,'" she notes, the kind that can get HR involved.

For executive coaching, contact me at sdunn@susandunn.cc.
Coaching in etiquette also available.

Permanent link:
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1879201,00.html?iid=perma_share

It is assumed that our presidents will know how to dance

Time to Say Goodbye

Time photographers talk about their years photographing George W. Bush, including visit to hospital with wounded soldiers. An intense experience, the photographer asked Bush why (or how) he did it.

He replied: "I have to. I sent them there."

Time for perspective. Take a look at past inaugural balls. Did you know?

Jimmy Carter attempted to strip the galas of their glitz and glamour. He asked that they be called "parties" and insisted that guests be charged no more than $25 each.

I wonder ...

I wonder if any of the presidents or their wives had to take quick dancing lessons in preparation for this event. It's assumed the president knows how to dance.

Are you giving your children ballroom dancing lessons?? Are you giving them Etiquette Lessons.

One of my specialities is Etiquette, since it's a major part of emotional intelligence. Email me for coaching.

Top 10 Things Classy People Do

Napoleon, who said, "Respect the people you deliver."

From today's email bag:

I have just finished reading your piece on "The Top 10 Things Classy People Do That Show You They Have Class", and can say nothing but thank you for the finesse and definite class you must have for being aware of these lovely details.

I would like though to know if you agree with me that a Classy Person carries the burden of other's misconduct and misbehavior consequences paricularly that He/She is "Sensitive" and keen on not "Airing His/Her Dirty Linen In Public".

Happy New Year 2009.

Sincerely, Nadim T.

Answer: If I interpret this question correctly, for sure a classy person "covers up" for others, or, as you put it, carries the burden of other's misconduct and misbehavior. It's similar to the Asian concept of "saving face." For instance, if your boss steps in a trash can and falls over, you distract people, don't mention it, or blame it on the trash can, i.e., "I KNEW that trash can was going to cause trouble."

The essence of etiquette is making the other person comfortable. Sometimes in spite of what they are doing.

Good leaders for instance, like good football coaches, take the blame for failures on themselves, and give the credit for the successes to "the team."

It was Napoleon Bonaparte who said: "Respect the people you deliver."

See my Top 10 EQ Leadership Tips from Napoleon Bonaparte".

Vocabulary, the Hidden Asset of Emotional Intelligence

CAN WE TALK??

In his research, Johnson O'Connor, a pioneer in the field of educational testing, claimed that an extensive vocabulary is the single most important indicator of lifetime success, whether it be financial, professional, or personal.

One of the most important things I work with with clients is their vocabulary. How they express themselves. One of the EQ competencies actually is Emotional Expression, but it goes beyond that. Being able to articulate a thought or a feeling is the key to good communication, and one of the most important things you will be judged by.

Whether you swear, use elitist vocabulary, cannot get out of your professional jargon, stumble over words, or lack the ability to understand and use metaphor and stories, argue and provoke instead of negotiating and discussing, or are boring ... effects your ability to get along with others, at work and at home.

Part of this I teach as etiquette. For instance how do you "get rid of" someone when you simply must get off the phone? How do you deal with an abrasive boss? How do you answer those tough questions in the interview? How do you placate an angry customer? How do you soothe a child?

How do you discuss a problem with your spouse without getting either hysterical or stone-walling?

In fact, my EQ COURSE(tm) includes poetry, the distillation of the best that language has to offer, including metaphor and simile. Great literature also gives you analogies (with other similarly educated people - which is where you want to be.) I know lawyers who read Shakespeare so they can write more compelling briefs.

If you would like to improve your ability to express yourself, the impression you make on others, and your success at negotiation and influence, email me for coaching, or call 817-741-7223. You will learn in the natural way - context, conversation, and feedback.

It' s one of the best investments you can make in your future happiness!

The Etiquette of Tipping

Having just been interviewed by a newspaper about the "etiquette of tipping," I'd like to put my 20% here on the blog ... I mean my 2 cents worth.

Please keep in mind that this is a funny question. There are the "rules" of tipping, and then there is the "etiquette."

The rules are easy -- 20%.

$1-3 to the valet. $1 per coat in the clockroom. $.50-$1 in the restroom.

The ETIQUETTE is something else. I mean couldn't you have som fun and put $5 in the restroom lady's jar?

My grandfather was a great guy. He was a banker, but he really liked to help people. He was comfortable, not wealthy. He used to leave $5 to tips back when that was a LOT of money. Just because it made him feel good.

Etiquette is about good manners, thinking about the other people, and taking in the whole situation.

First the rules because they're easier.

The 15-20% rules includes expensive wines, and the bartender (pay before you eat). If you can afford a $300 bottle of wine, what on earth are you complaining about?

At bar, $1 for beer or wine; $2 for mixed drink.

Tip jar - 5-10%. Be more generous is you feel like it. You know its split, and you know these are minimum wage people.

Fine Dining? Same deal. If you can afford a $300 meal, you can afford a $60 tip.

If you got great attention, tip the sommelier 10% and also the maitre'd.

Now for the etiquette. This means thinking, not just memorizing rules. This is what emotionally intelligent people. Anyone I know, for instance, who ever did waiting, or has a child who does, will tip more than 20%. Why wouldn't you?

It feels good to be generous.

Lousy service? Be sure you evaluate it with your EQ cap on, If you have ever done the job, you would know that there are many factors beyond the control of your wait person - like the chef messing up the order, some other waitperson taking their order, a bad night in the kitchen. - and whose fault is it if they've run out of prime rib already?? Or simply it's their first week on the job. These jobs are harder than they look.

A waiter who cops an attitude is another story. If your waitperson is surly, nasty, disdainful, obviously have a bad-mood day, see the manager. The tip is kind of irrelevant. If he got your food there, leave 10%; it's a statement of its own sort. And then don't go back there, unless your discussion with the manager leads you to believe it's a rare occurrence. Yes, you can leave nothing. You can also leave one nickel, like an unpleasant acquaintance of mine does. But then you have to live with yourself. This is what etiquette is all about.

The most ridiculour thing I hear is about time spend at the table. NO!! NO!! Who on earth came up with that one? In the finest restaurants, the ones I enjoy the most, the wait staff doesn't run up, put their foot on an empty chair and join your conversation (dear lord). They are INOBTRUSIVE, like the best of British servants. Looking after you, silently appearing, anticipating needs. Their actual time with you may be 15 minutes, if you're actually clocking it (why aren't you enjoying your meal and companionship is my question??)

Etiquette is about manners and between people. If the waitperson really knocked your socks off, make yourself feel good and leave them 40%. Send$25 in to the chef. What is money for but to have fun with, and what is more fun than largesse -- generosity. I love a date who is generous.

Does it bother you that a tip is added for larger groups? If you ever waited a large table, you'd know why. It's a lot more work. It's stated up front. If you don't like it, leave. It's as simple as that.

A LITTLE PRIMER

The waiter depends on tips to make it. They have to deal with the kitchen, the chef, the maitre'd, learn the specials, the wines, cover spills, cranky guests, people who can't pronounce the foreign words (in Texas, concierge (con-see-air'-jah, from the French) is pronounced con-see-air'. Tournedos - the accent is on the first syllable (tour'-nuh-doze). It is not a Tour-na-do. etc. They have to know when to interrupt. And my favorites are the ones who quietly arrive to fill my water glass, know just when to bring the bill and who to give it to, and do not bounce up and say, "I'll Fanetta, I'll be your waitperson today." My meal and my companion are the focus of my evening. Good waitstaff is background material, and I award them for that.

I'm a generous tipper unless there's some reason not to be. It's etiquette.

Odds and Ends

• Men are worse tippers than women. I guess because they're worrying about the difference between 15% and 20% or how much it amounts to by hour.
• Sometimes the credit card companies demand adding a tip and checking out if the credit card money is there. Be smart - understand that's not the restaurant doing it.


• Some restaurants dictate a tip. This is like a contract. Read the fine print and agree to it or not. As long as they are up front about it.


• Yes, check your credit card bill immediately before it passes through the bank. That's just smart. It can take a week for the real bill to show up rather than the pre-authorized amount.


• Waiters are trapped by software, just like convenience workers. Give them a break.


• Don't argue with others at table about the tip, the bill or anything else. This is bad manners.


• If you're on a date you'll make a great impression if you're a generous tipper. Remember the words of - who was it? - a person who is not nice to the waiter is not a nice person.


• You are not paying them only for time spent, but for what they know ... like the wine list, and how to placate the grouch at your table, and how to move the order through the kitchen, where to find the butter when someone forgot to put it out. Ever been in a kitchen a meal time? I used to work for the head chef at a 5-star resort. You would not believe what can go wrong.


• Remember, it's the credit card company that does the pre-authorization thing.


• If you are getting "terrible service," call the manager over. Likely they will comp your meal, which leaves you with the question of the tip. But this isn't exactly brain science. Why not leave them something? Is it so much to ask? The waiters going to catch hell from the manager, isn't that enough?


• It is typical to tip the lesser amount (15%) at breakfast or dinner. Why? Just because.


• If it's a special occasion and the restaurant has raised their prices, make your tip the same. It's designed to be a special occasion.
• Should you be charged a gratuity at a buffet when you bring your group? Are you a rube? CALL AHEAD OF TIME AND FIND OUT THESE THINGS. If you disagree, don't go there. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Of interest - some servers have to what's called "tip out" as many as 5 other people - bar (even if they served no alcoholic beverages), good runner, host, busser, service manager - do you even know who these people are?

Lastly, there's eating out and there's eating out. On some occasion you wish to impress. A first date with your dream girl, your mother on mother's day, and anything to do with boss and colleagues come to mind. EQ-smart people call ahead and check on things.

The Etiquette and the Ethicality of the Blackberry

Check out this interesting article about BlackBerrys in the courtroom and at depositions.

From the article by Jerold S. Solovy and Robert L. Byman from The National Law Journal

Now, part of the problem is not ethics but manners. We don't belong to country clubs, but we understand that most of them ban BlackBerrys and cell phones. (That isn't the reason we don't belong -- we just don't play the game.) But why? Cell phones we easily understand -- an untimely ring or conversation could actually distract a golfer. But silent thumbing?

Well, these devices are banned because it is bad form, it is rude, to attend to business when one ought to be enjoying one's time in a sand trap. And if it is rude on a golf course, how about in a courtroom? How many judges will permit you to whip out your BlackBerry during live testimony at a trial? Most judges ban BlackBerrys not out of concern for ethical considerations, but because their use is an affront to the decorum of the court.

People are often amazed, when I'm with them that I let my cell phone ring or turn it off. To me it's just etiquette - to pay attention to the person you are with. Which is, after all, the greatest gift you can give someone.

Etiquette is essentially about making the other person comfortable. I am equally impressed when I' m on a date and the man's cell rings, and he turns it off, while continuing to maintain eye contact with me.

Really makes me feel special.

I'm also equally impressed when the person I'm driving with doesn't use ones. Studies have shown how dangerous it is ... calling, or answering, or talking.

Consider your use of cell and BlackBerry.

For full article, go HERE.

Be Friendly at Work - not Friends?

Great article on RevolutionHealth about Knowing Your Boundaries at Work.

Excerpts ...

Understanding co-workers' skills can be powerful — knowing their scuttlebutt can be problematic.

"Your ability to carry a conversation is crucial in building
relationships with fellow employees, but boundaries must exist," says Susan Morem, a Minneapolis-based business consultant...The border separating professional and personal relationships isn't easy to patrol, especially at smaller, informal offices ... [b]ut conversational boundaries help to determine the reputation of an employee and staff. Simply put, boundaries preserve integrity."

Beware of feeling informal ... "There's generally no clear rule
about where to draw the line, so a good rule of thumb is to avoid issues that might make someone uncomfortable."

"Refrain from gossip," Morem advises. "Remember: Those who talk to you about others will also talk about you to others."

Morem says most gossip and other inappropriate conversations occur in places that feel informal, such as elevators, hallways and bathrooms. But co-workers should never get the false sense of security that they're off duty in these locations.

"It's better to pretend your personal microphone is always on. Don't
say something if you don't want it heard or repeated."

While it's natural for employees to show interest in one another's
lives, someone has to be courageous enough to cut off a co-worker when warranted.

Just as informal places can get co-workers into trouble, so can seemingly informal methods of communication. {Like email)

Forge office friendships with care "Make sure you know and completely trust this kind of co-worker friend."

Expect boundary differences

Because those differences are widespread and co-workers' boundaries are subjective, office humor is risky.

If a co-worker says something that offends or upsets you, try to respond instead of react. "Reaction is immediate and emotional. When we react to something, we are more likely to say or do things we might later regret," Morem says. "A response is planned and controlled, and it leads to fewer communication issues."

THIS IS ALL ABOUT EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE. See yourself headed for troubles? Constantly having the same problems? Get a crash course from me on the landmines. One-time and long-term coaching consultation.

Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Take The Difficult People Course - it helps! Email for information.

Go HERE to read the full article.

How Good is Your Marriage?

How are your people skills? Your social skills? Your relationship skills? Your emotional intelligence?

Today's emailbag is about increasing those life skills that can enhance your life.

THE 70% RATE IN MARRIAGE

Author Pat Morley notes:

“In writing about what makes a successful marriage, family systems thinker Edwin Friedman said, 'In reality, no human marriage gets a rating of more than 70%.' In other words, even the most successful marriage will only be symptom-free about 70% of the time. Patsy, my wife, and I both think we have a great marriage. We talked this 70% thing over, and it makes sense to us. Use this to encourage yourself. You don’t have to be symptom-free 100% of the time. 70% is about right, and that’s pretty good in a fallen world.”

If you haven't got 70% in your range, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and I'll make arrangements to help you increase your emotional intelligence and relationship skills.

DATING

Q: hi, i wanted to ask about how to attract this guy that i like in college. i don't know him and he is one year older than me (am 21)i don't get to see him alot , but i heared lots of nice things about him . i don't know if i am imagining but i think he noticed me . please tell me how to attract him without looking so desperate .

A: Well, I don't know the situation at your particular college, but let me give you some examples, and you can put on your thinking cap and connect the dots. Its not a bad skill to learn, BTW. There are times in life when we want to get some exposure to someone, so they can get to know us a little and see if it's a 'take'. The general theory is -- find out where they go, and be there.

Here are some examples of how this works.

One of my clients is a fundraiser. He needs to get around donors (people who have money) and sometimes he can't get through their secretary to make an appointment, or emails aren't answered, or lunch invitations are declined. So in one case, he found out the guy had opera tickets and managed to get a pair of tickets right next to the guy. From that vantage point, he was able to have a nice conversation with the guy (at intermission and afterwards), and let him get to know him, and the relationship went on from there.

How he found out where the man's seats were, etc. took some investigation. But it's possible.

This goes on all the time in the business world, of course. That's why people join country clubs, golf clubs, recreational clubs, etc. People meet clients that way, get jobs that way, etc. Another client of mine needs a job. Besides the obvious things (monster.com, agencies), she is making time to hang out at the pool, where she can ask around and maybe meet some hirers.

Another woman who wanted to date a man she had heard had just become available, knew he attended galas for charities, and so she showed up at one. She "ran into him" beforehand, and managed to sit at his table. It worked and he asked her out.

Another client wanted to meet a guy at her college. She started eating at different dining halls, keeping her eyes open to see where and when he ate. When she found out, she dressed for success, showed up, and just got in line behind him and struck up a conversation. He asked her out.

If there's a group involved, it's easy (why we join groups). One woman found out in Sunday School that the man of her dreams was going to the weekly dance class. She joined up. That's a no-brainer.

Lastly, again I don't know about your college, but be prepared for the lucky chance of just running in to him. Women go up to men all the time in the grocery store, for heaven's sake. Surely you might run in to him on campus. Be looking! Notice a couple of things about this.

1. You may have to do some investigating. Don't be obnoxious about it. None of these people were. You can also ask around, just in the way of conversation. "Hey, Bill is cute. Do you know what classes he's taking?"
2. You have to have the social skills to maneuver the meet and the initial conversation. If you need to brush up on your social skills, I recommend coaching. THAT is a life skill you MUST have. How to strike up a pleasant conversation with ANYBODY, and present yourself in a good light, is something every man and woman needs to know. It's an art and it can be learned (email me for coaching, sdunn@susandunn.cc ). Shyness will get you nowhere, but being obnoxious will also get you nowhere.
3. The follow up. This is to make something possible. It lets the person know your name and get to know you a little bit. From that point on, it is up to them. Of course you do not pursue, badger, or even that awful word "stalk". You see the difference? It's an introduction (if the two of you haven't met), or a little reminder (if you've had a conversation or two). Beyond that, it's up to him. It's not classy to make a nuisance of yourself.

If you need to do some work on your social skills, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and I will make arranges to help you raise your EQ.

What Kind of Corporation Has a Blog

An authentic one, that's who. Southwest Airlines' Blog - NUTS ABOUT SOUTHWEST

“Blogging works for us because, as a Company, we know we have nothing to hide,” said Southwest’s President Colleen Barrett. “Our Employees absolutely ooze authenticity, and our bloggers have been able to bring that same SPIRIT to the blog.”

AUTHENTICITY is one of the emotional intelligence (EQ) competencies. It works for individuals and it works for corporation. Last year, according to their website, Southwest "boldy went where no other airline and few Fortune 500 companies had gone before -- into the blogosphere."

On the blog you can take a peek inside the culture and operations of the company. There are nearl 30 employee bloggers (both frontline and behind the scenes), and 'customers' can participate. In January 2007, there were more than 70,000 total visitors, nearly 30,000 unique. On NUTS ABOUT SOUTHWEST, you can share "the Warrior Spirit," "the Servant's Heart," and "FUN-LUVing Attitude."

BTW if you love Southwest like I do, and fought to set Love Field free, you can thank Congress for the Wright Amendment Reform Act here: http://www.setlovefree.com/. If you live in Texas like I do, and have a sister in San Diego, you know what this is all about.

P.S. Etiquette also works. Southwest, who lobbied so hard re: Love Field, not provides the link for us to thank Congress.

Well, thanks, Southwest for setting an example of authenticity and etiquette.

Etiquette - with the Queen of England and Others

It happens every day in the workplace. Those "sticky dilemmas."

I sure went through enough when I was in marketing ... like the CEO who wanted to do his own TV spot, and he was not only unattrative, he came off in front of the camera as deceptive. (How did I know? When you're a marketing CEO, it's your job to know that sort of thing.)

Now, if you were photographing the Queen of England, would you tell her to take off her crown?

In a line too good to have been scripted, the Queen replies, "What do you think this is?"

Quite a multicultural SNAFU here. Annie Leibovitz, hired to photograph the Queen, asks her to remove it (ever how nicely), telling her it would be more "casual." Well, yes, that it would.

COMMENTS:

• Yes, there is "simply going too far"? It's an EQ thing
• Come on now, do you honetly think the Queen of England would "storm out"? Don't you think she would have the offender removed?
• It's a TIARA, not a crown?
• You cannot trust the media, you cannot trust photography any more. It appears she's storming out. That footage was from when she arrived.
  
  Watch a video here:
  -->BBC apologizes to Queen Elizabeth II Or go here:
  javascript:navigateToTab('external','http://www.blinkx.com/burl?v=xETsMg94s9hIQaehBFVgqHJijK15OJCr')
• July 12: After implying that the queen stormed out of a photo-shoot with Annie Leibovitz, the BBC refutes the claim and issues an apology. NBC's Martin Savidge reports.

In the workplace, would you:

1. Watch your lawyer practice his jury summary, when you've been asked to watch and give feedback, and then tell him that he needed to make better eye contact?
2. Edit the CEO's article, correcting the grammar? The content? His opinion that "no vice president could be trusted with ..."
3. Advise your colleague that their dress was inappropriate for the office.
4. Tell your secretary she smelled bad.
5. Give negative feedback about anything to a 'superior officer', even if requested.
6. Inform your boss that the reason people wouldn't meet with him was because they said he was always picking his nose.

Tricky questions? The last one is a true example of when a coach was called in to find out why people were avoiding a certain executive.

Nothing's harder than the office politics. Need some help? Take the BUDGET EQ COURSE. There's also the Difficult People course.

I'm a coach. My job is to make your job easier!

817-734-1471, sdnun@susandunn.cc .

SEEN ON A TSHIRT: I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS
BUT I'M KIND OF A BIG DEAL AROUND HERE

P.S. and so is my crown, as a symbol the UK.

Manners, Etiquette and Emotional Intelligence

Wither manners?

"In every society, the role models are the ones who set the standards of behaviour for the rest of the people, irrespective of who they are. As adults we are responsible and accountable for our behaviour at home and in society. Our children learn from us.." writes Datin in her article, "Winning Ways."

She talks about the leadership of a former boss, and about emotional intelligence in particular ...

"No swear words or foul language ever escaped his lips. His demeanour alone showed his displeasure and we would be jumping hoops to rectify the errors and regain his trust. No one ever repeated a mistake. His greatest asset was his ability to get the support of his people. Nothing was shoved down their throat. Everything was done with transparency and his sense of fair play often put others to shame. I learnt the value of good manners from him.

All men know that good manners like the values we have and practise, must be demonstrated in the family so that it becomes part of a child’s character. We also know that instilling good manners cannot be learnt using software as a computer learning activity. People in power or in responsible positions need to use their emotional intelligence in a positive way and understand that good manners are basically an emotional thing. You must want to feel the need to exercise good behaviour.

For more information, take my EQ program, and check out my ebook, "How to Teach Your Child EQ."

Queen's visit calls for etiquette and EQ

WP: Queen's visit prompts protocol fears - washingtonpost.com Highlights - MSNBC.com

ETIQUETTE is a part of emotional intelligence, and so is the extension of it -- protocol. We all just got a big dose watching and enjoying the visit of Queen Elizabeth to the U. S. -- to see how her colony was doing!

In order to help with it all -- what to wear, what to say, and when, and how -- Buckingham Palace flew in about 15 advisors, including the queen's personal assistant and Buckingham Palace's deputy master of the household, for consultations. We were eager to please and they were eager to help us out with it.

I loved the photo of the British ambassador's wife curtseying -- she sure knew what to do. Probably made her feel right at home! (We love that feeling -- ahhh, someone else who wears jeans/says "howdy"/uses "sir" and "m'am"/eats with their fork upside down -- etc.

BTW, this is very much like coaching. Nothing "wrong" with any of us, it's just new, and we'd like to please and know what we're doing. That's what consultants and coaches are for, and one big area is etiquette.

It was the air of excitement that got me. For instance, a real red carpet for her exit from the airplane. For many of us, especially the younger generation, "rolling out the red carpet" came alive for the first tie. (Oh, so that's what that means. They really DO that!)

I also enjoyed the photos of the Queen with the Governor of the Commonwealth of Virgina, who was just about literally dancing, and wore an expression like the cat that swallowed the canary. What a coup! In several photos his feet are barely touching the ground, as he twists and cavorts and gives us the thumbs up -- TWO thumbs up.

Nonverbal is also a part of emotional intelligence and look at the difference. The Queen of England would never engage in such shenanigans. She maintains her posture, her notorious hats and lovely outfits and maybe the royal wave, which we all wait to see. Reserved, refined, well in her case, regal. Americans? Even the governor cavorts and gives a big nonverbal display of pleasure.

You must know emotional intelligence (which includes etiquette) to get where you want to go. Hopefully, you caught the fever during the Queen's visit, because it's great fun. Why on earth would we go to all this trouble to please the Queen? It's in our blood!

We love new things, too, and this is very old and yet very new again. We may even see a resurgence of hats and gloves! If you've noticed, even considering the circumstances of our "greater exposure" to the Middle East, the fashions and colors are slowly creeping in to the American fashion scene.

We just love new things -- or things that are new to us.

If you're curious, and open, that is to say not rigid, or overly invested in your own postures, you 'll develop the art of incorporating new, positive things into your life -- from your wardrobe to your mannerisms, to your speech.

I was reminded of this when visiting my friendly gynecologist the other day. He happens to be French, and as he burst into the room, he gave me a big Asian bow, with hands together in fron. (What on earth?) I immediately felt honored. That's what the gesture is all about, and it works. Amazing, isn't it. He had just been to Japan and was just full of all the new things he'd seen and learned. "They won't confront," he said. "How do you know when they're mad?"

Well actually wouldn't that be a RELIEF? After all, as we say in EQ-land, anger is a good way of knowing what you want, but not of getting it. When you go as far as to "show" you're angry, or it's so strong that you can't NOT show it, you're already so pumped up, you're likely not to think straight. You've lost it.

Which way is better?

That's not the question to ask. Just observe and note. Then be willing to adapt. Be willing to learn. You'll be more comfortable. For instance the client I coached who was going to D. C. (from San Antonio) to meet her new boyfriend's family and social set. She showed me what she was planning to wear -- the bright floral patterns of south Texas, with lots of gold glittery bangles and beads. (Are you laughing? Not if you haven't been to D. C.) She didn't listen to my advice. When she returned, she said "I felt like such a rube ... so uncomfortable and out of place. I just couldn't believe what you were saying..."

Believe! Things can be very different and, as she advised in "My Cousin Vinny," it's a good idea to be able to BLEND. When required. EQ is all about choice. First you have to know there is one, and that you have it. It's one thing to stand out in a good way because you have chosen to, and quite another to stand out "like a sore thumb" because you didn't now any better.

We went through all this protocal because we were overjoyed to have the Queen here, and wanted to make her feel -- well, "at home." This is the essence of etiquette and good manners.

In today's multicultural workplace, and rapidly shrinking world, the more you KNOW the better off you are going to be. If you learn the ways of just one other culture, you are able to grasp the concept of how different things can be? In half the world, it seems, it's a great insult to show someone the sole of your shoe. Once you 've heard that, you'll start to consider what else you might do that might offend someone else. And you'll be forced to think, as well, about what in your own country, or part of the country, offends others. We teach these things to our kids; culture is LEARNED. One child learns to bow another to shake hands. One kids learns to stand in line and take their turn, another learns to get in there and push. What would you like to learn more about?

For coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Etiquette

Emotional Intelligence covers it all -- nonverbal, multicultural, etiquette.

Here's how it's done in Prague!

Emotional Intelligence to be taught in schools in UK

Respect! Good manners to be taught in schools - Independent Online Edition > UK Politics

"Lack of civility" has prompted this school to revise their curriculum and include EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE. It isn't being learned at home, they claim:

The programme will be integrated into the curriculum, and will teach pupils about fair play and dealing with adversity.

The new moves to instil good manners in young people is the latest attempt to deal with what many politicians and commentators bemoan as a blight on British society, making streets, schools and communities unsafe and unpleasant. The worry is that children no longer have the authority figures to look up to and that the state has to an extent take on the responsibilities that belong to parents.

From September secondary school children will learn basic values and "golden rules" such as: "We are gentle, we are kind, we work hard, we look after property, we listen to people, we are honest, we do not hurt anybody."

WE ARE GENTLE

WE ARE KIND

WE WORK HARD

WE LOOK AFTER PROPERTY

WE LISTEN TO PEOPLE

WE ARE HONEST

WE DO NOT HURT ANYBODY

The program will include learning how to deal with anger and disappointment.

To learn more, order my ebook "How to Teach Your Child EQ".

Thank You Note

It's so nice to be quoted, especially when it's about kindness and saying "thank you."

On Beck's cafe:

"Do it [write thank you notes} for gifts, acts of kindness or friendship, or just because. Often times we don’t do it as we aren’t sure how. And usually the ideas on how to do it are tailored only for thank you notes for gifts. But substitute “gift” for act of kindness or friendship and any concepts on how to write a thank you note applies. Susan Dunn, MA, A Professional Life Coach has this advice (remember substitute the word “gift” for some other act of kindness and her advice applies universally too), “When you write the note, mention the gift or gifts specifically. Mention some way that you will use it, or what it meant to you, how much you love the color red, or how you’ve been wanting to read that book”. (source and examples: “How to Write a Thank You Note and Why“, Susan Dunn, MA, Professional Life Coach, Emotional intelligence & Etiquette"

Etiquette comes naturally with emotional intelligence. We all like to be appreciated and thanked.

Why?

Just because!