Why We Lust and Why We Love

"I never knew until we were married."

CHOOSING YOUR MARRIAGE PARTNER
from Susan Dunn, Dating and Relationship Coach

Probably the most important decision you will ever make in your life is the person that you marry, and from all reports, making a good choice in this area appears to be getting even more complicated. Our 50% divorce rate speaks to this. And, more dour, is the fact that this rate is raised due to the VERY high rate of failed second marriages, i.e., those who can't choose right the first time (or create a lasting relationship) fail to do so the second time.

I just finished reading a book that claims your strongest attraction (let's call it lust) is for someone who reminds you of a relationship you had with a parent. They contend this does not always make for someone you can comfortably live with.

The other choice, according to the authors, one of whom is a psychologist, is to choose someone for which the attraction is not so strong.

These are two options, yes, but I take issue with one of the premises.

NATURE KNOWS A GOOD NICHE
If you've ever been around dog breeders, you will know the phrase, "Nature knows a good niche." This is an explanation for why some female dogs will not allow male dogs to breed with them. The gist of the saying is that the female knows that male dog isn't going to make good puppies for her.

Studies show that many of our mating patterns and courtship patterns are hard-wired. They do not relate so much to nurture (your parents, or reason, or words, as they do to hard-wired evolutionary things. I think our strongest attractions ("lust") are for those where, well, nature is knowing a good niche, i.e., perhaps this might be nature's way of telling you who you might make good kids with. Whether or not you buy that theory, the question remains -- Is this a reason to marry someone?

No, it is not.

There has to be a certain amount of physical attraction, obviously, but you have to think hard about who you can live with -- daily. And with whom you can raise those kids.

WE FOUGHT OVER THE KIDS
Lately in doing dating coaching, I've heard more men say that they divorced (or were divorced) "because we fought over the child-raising."

It's a good idea to check out the other person's values, and observe how they live their lives and treat other people before you take that big step. Time is one crucial ingredient, and then seeing the other person in a variety of life situations.

One male client of mine married a woman of another faith, let's call it XX. He said, "The funny thing is, I didn't even know she was XX until we had kids. Then suddenly all our friends had to be XX, everything had to be done the way XX's do things."

Can you tell this sort of thing before? Well, it helps to get some consultation. Call me for coaching - relationship, dating, emotional intelligence, transitions, decision-making.

Choosing a life partner, spouse, or mate is serious business. When you're dating and trying to choose a spouse, let me guide you. Call me at 817-734-1471 or email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and let's start the new year off right.

What Physical Attribute of Your Date Effects You the Most?

Q: What physical feature about someone we're dating effects us the most? (It's not what you think it is.)

From today's email bag:

Dear Dating Coach:

We were having a great time, and then I remember he reached over for the dessert we were sharing, and there was something about his hands. Not dirty, and no bitten nails, etc., I just knew I 'registered' something. I thought they were pretty and delicate, but at the same time, I don't like "pretty" or "delicate" hands on a man. What am I to make of this?

++++++++
This is interesting because I am reading Diamond's THE THIRD CHIMPANZEE where he spends a good bit of time talking about how we choose our mates.

Note that choosing a marital partner is much more of a choice than choosing a one--night-stand. In fact the chapter this is in is called How We Pick our Mates and Sex Partners. It is very important to know what you are doing -- Are you choosing a mate, or a sex partner is the first thing I ask clients!!!

First let me say that you, personally, in your choice of partner, are allowed to prefer what you prefer. In other words, there's a woman out there that would fall instantly in love with this man BECAUSE OF those same hands that turn you off.

That's the wonder of love!

That having been said, in his book, Diamond cites scientific research where he uses words such as coefficients and significant. To unpack these terms, coefficients means the different things that influence something, and "significant" is a scientific terms meaning that the numbers show a difference. Yes, it arbitrary, but not as arbitrary as saying, "I (your personal opinion) think people choose mates according to the color of their eyes." "Correlation" means they relate, but be cautious about cause and effect. i.e., People eat more ice cream on hot days. The heat is more likely to cause the eating of ice cream than the ice cream to cause the day to be hot ... but with more complicated issue, people don't always see the line of causation properly! (I know you've experienced this misconception.)

FROM THE BOOK:

Coefficients for physical traits are on the average ... not so high as for personality traits ... or religion ... but still significantly higher than zero. For a few physical traits the correlation is even higher than 0.2 [which is the average overall for physical traits] -- e.g., an astonishing 0.61 for length of middle finger. At least unconsciously, people care more about their spouse's middle-finger length than about his or her hair color and intelligence!
I can't say I was conscious about this, but I sure am now. (Which is what Emotional Intelligence is about -- self-awareness.)

Something DEFINITELY REGISTERED when she stopped and took a look at his hands. And it was something negative.

A: the length of their middle finger