Friday, July 31, 2009

Why Doctors should get Emotional Intelligence Coaching

"People just don't sue doctors they like," said leading medical malpractice lawyer Alice Burkin. She continues:
"In all the years I've been in this business, I've never had a potential client walk in and say, 'I really like this doctor, and I feel terrible about doing it, but I want to sue him.' We've had people come in saying they want to sue some specialist, and we'll say, 'We don't think that doctor was negligent. We think it's your primary care doctor who was at fault.' And the client will say, 'I don't care what she did. I love her, and I'm not suing her.'

This was quoted in "Blink," which is about intuition, gut feeling, "social skills," etc. Burkin states litigious client as saying things like -- "She never looked at me as a whole person," and the doctor didn't treat the person "like a human being."

In further research, Wendy Levinson found that never-sued surgeons had spent more than 3 mins. longer with each patient -- 18.3 v. 15 mins.

Doctors who had never been sued also did these things - all realted to high Emotional Intelligence (EQ) which can be learned:

--The never-sued doctors made "orienting comments" like telling the patient he/she would allow time for question
--Engaged in active listening
--Doctors who got sued had voices that sounded "dominant", not warm
--Their tone of voice communicated respect and a dominant tone of voice is "corrosive" and gets the doctor sued

"Blink" author Malcolm Gladwell says when you visit a doctor and sense he "isn't listening to you, that he's talking down to you, and that he isn't treating you with respect, listen to that feeling.

That feeling is your INTUITION. It's your surest guide.

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) coaching -- with practical examples and exercises -- can help you hone your intuition. It may help you keep from being sued, if you're a doctor. It can help all your relationships, and there is always room for improvement. Take an EQ assessment, get coaching. It can also be crucial to your HEALTH, since, as Candace Pert showed, our emotions live in every cell of our body. 5 minutes of anger can suppress your immune system for up to 8 hours.

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What if you have contempt for your spouse

Emotions and attitudes can kill a marriage. According to researcher John Gottman, these are the 4 Horses of the Apocalypse:


And of these, contempt is the most harmful. (This is often displayed by rolling the eyes.) Gottman explains what we know:
"You would think criticism would be the worst, because criticism is a global condemnation of a person's character. Yet contempt is qualitatively different from criticism. With criticism I might say to my wife, 'You never listen, you are really selfish and insensitive. Well, she's going to respond defensively to that. That's not very good for our problem solving and interaction. But if I speak from a superior plane, that's far more damaging, and contempt is any statement made from a higher level. A lot of time it's an insult: 'You are a bitch. You're scum.' It's trying to put that person on a lower plane than you are. It's hierarchical."

He adds that contempt and disgust are close -- they infer completely rejecting the person from community, ostracizing them.

Disgust is one of the basic emotions from the reptilian brain. In other words, "automatic." In one of the couples they interviewed about how they met, the woman said she had been disgusted by the man's behavior on the first date. She then went on to marry him.

At times we go on "instinct", without thinking, and it turns out bad. Sometimes we over-ride "instinct" by thinking, and it turns out bad.

Instinct, intuition, "gut-feeling" is a wonderful tool if you understand how it works, and how it works for you. It is generally a disaster to ignore it, have it confused with fantasy, etc.

To learn more about your intuition, take my Intuition Course, or The EQ Course (tm). These courses are on the Internet, interactive, with feedback, and may be combined with coaching.

Emotional Intelligence competencies can be learned, and intuition is one of them.

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Thursday, July 23, 2009

Leon Fleisher's Birthday - an Inspiration

Today is Leon Fleisher's birthday. He is a gifted pianist who had to do without the use of his right hand for 30 years. Miraculously he regained its use after many years.

Keep the faith -- and never say "never"!

Leon Fleisher's started out as a concert pianist and his career was thriving in 1964. Then he cut himself, and had dystonia, which led to the involuntary curling of his right hand's ring and little fingers. He was unable to use it to play the piano, even after surgery in 1983. He also endured the end of his marriage, and despair, but learned to play one-handed pieces, and enjoyed teaching and conducting.

Finally, with Botox and Rolfing, he is now able to use his right hand again.

Miracles happen every day.

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Saturday, July 18, 2009

The Meta Message: Confusing?

SIGN IN PORT-OF-CALL TOWN of SORRENTO (it enforced a confusing METAmessage - see below)

"His tone of voice, facial expression, and all the elements of conversational style gave her clues as to how he felt about her going."

Thus writes Deborah Tannen, Ph.D. She is describing the important of metamessages - the things we get BEYOND the words, the things that indicate how the person FEELS about the factual things that are going on.

This is why it is so important to study emotional intelligence. Especially in today's increasingly multicultural framework.

How do you artistically orchestrate all the people in your organization? Or extended family?

Tannen describes a metamessage:
A Greek woman explained how she and her father communicated. If she wanted to do something, like go to a dance, she had to ask her father for permission. He never said no. [You must watch for this in other cultures!!]

But she could tell from the way he said yes whether or not he meant it. Ir he said something like "Yes, of course, go," then she knew he thought it was a good idea. If he said something like "If you want, you can go," then she understood that he didn't think it was a good idea and she wouldn't go.

Why didn't he just tell her outright? you might ask. Why wasn't he "honest?" Tannen adds: Well, he did tell her, in a way that was clear to both her and him.

"Honest" is getting the point across, and we have many ways of doing this. It's important you understand the communication within the system you are living or working in. Much of it is "meta".

ABOUT THE SIGN: As a cruise passenger, you assume, of course, that the port-of-call folks are waiting for your arrival. It feeds their economy. However, people who don't travel much, read about how "the ____ hate Americans," or "the ____ hate tourists."

In point of fact, the towns that the cruises and tours visit are waiting for the passengers, waiting to sell us things! Yes, they are happy to see us. I saw this sign in Sorrento this summer and it made me very happy to see it. I hadn't seen one like that before. Even though I assume ... it's nice to see it written. They were the only store in town that had a sign like that our front, and I was so impressed, that's where I went to spend my money.

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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


Thomas Leonard - the father of coaching - his birthday is coming up, July 31.

Fun facts? I was on Thomas Leonard's R&D team, and I am also a founding member of Coachville. I miss T's presence very much, R.I.P.
One reason I absolutely adored working with Thomas Leonard was that he was quick. He "got it" right away. He could go as fast as I could and we moved at the speed of light. I like that, and my EQ (emotional intelligence) programs and coaching are designed to increase the speed of your operating system. You will be smarter AND you will be liked a lot more. Nobody likes (as T says) DUMB, NUMB, CLUELESS PEOPLE.
Attraction Principle #18. Sensitize Yourslf to Notice and Feel Everything (isn't that EQ???)
by Thomas Leonard

It's fair to say that Attraction is a fairly quiet, more subtle approach to living and success. It's sophisticated and a high-end personal operating system. And to fully benefit from Attraction, the person adopting the Attraction OS needs to become more sensitive to themselves, their environments and subtle changes in others.

Why the need to become more sensitive? Because the less sensitive, more numb or more loud you are, the less you will notice what's going on in or around you. And for Attraction to work well, you'll need to sense things earlier than the average person, in order to respond to them earlier and more precisely.

If you've not sensitized yourself, the opportunities will pass you by before you have a chance to respond to them.
Numb=delayed reaction.

All are unattractive.

1. Identify and reduce/eliminate numbing substances.

Alcohol, narcotics and sugar are proven numb-ers. While nothing is wrong with any of these items, you ARE reducing your body's natural ability to consistently feel and be present. So, even though you may 'feel' more while under the influence, the experience is always temporary and is not sustainable.

2. Identify and reduce/eliminate numbing behaviors.

Watching television, overeating, coping and love/sex addiction are good examples of numbing behaviors. You either overload your senses with too much input, or begin to 'feel' only when engaged in a specific activity. Again, nothing is wrong with any of these items, but as in #1 above, the experience is always temporary and is not sustainable.

3. Identify and reduce/eliminate numbing environments or situations.

If you're in a stressful home, work or lifestyle situation, you probably can't afford to feel all that is going on -- it might be too much for your body/heart/mind. So, the best thing to might be to get out of the situation before you open up your senses. However, the process of letting yourself become sensitized (feel) is usually enough to motivate a person to make big environmental/situation changes without having to 'decide' to. When your body has been sensitized properly, it won't PERMIT you to remain in situations which are not good for you. Your body knows even if your mind resists.

4. Identify and clean-up what motivates you.

It's hard to feel what's present around you if you're busy striving for something. The striving energy overrides the more subtle feeling energy. It's like television --it's a POWERFUL force and hard to keep one's senses when they are being so overstimulated by a manufactured source. Much of what motivates us is fairly expensive and future-oriented. Feelings live in the present. (However, EMOTIONAL REACTIONS [often confused with feelings] live in both the past and future.) It's very, very possible to be 100% motivated by the present, although this a major shift for most folks.

5. Make the choice/priority to sense and feel all of what is occurring inside and outside of you.

It's common to play the 'ignorance is bliss' game when it comes to feeling and sensing. Many of us would simply rather not know! And that's completely understandable. However, if you make the choice to WANT to feel and sense more, pretty soon you'll become intrigued and fascinated by all that you are sensing/feeling -- and you really will WANT to know, because it's so interesting. But to take this step, you'll probably need to believe that feelings are something worthwhile enough about which to become an expert in. (They ARE, but it may take a while for a person to see the tangible benefits from making this shift. There's no rush.)

6. Identify and reduce/eliminate the emotional blocks to your natural ability to feel.

Therapists can be very helpful in the process of emotional healing. Sometimes, emotional scars from childhood or adulthood kink up our ability to sense and respond to the FULL spectrum of life/feelings. There are either blockages or damage which gunk up the system. If you've got some emotional damage or baggage, it's hard to feel 'in the present' when you're tethered to the past.

7. Realize that more 'knowledge' is contained in feeling/sensing that is conveyed literally, intellectually or linearly.

If you've been looking for a practical or financially-beneficial reason to get on the sensitivity track, you've just found it. The point here is that words/language are not able to keep up with changing events in business or in evolving customer preferences. By the time the subtle change is first noticed (usually far later than it should be), and this information is passed up to those in power to do something about the product/design, and then get translated into English, sold to the buyers and then made available to the consumers, the original change may have changed again OR the gist of it was lost in the various translations.

I think if a company wanted to be REALLY smart, they'd place a gifted 'sensitized' person on the customer service hotline once a week so they could pick up on the subtle and obvious problems/requests that customers have. In the music business they have experts called 'ears' who can just tell if a band has a marketable sound or not. And coffee and tea tasters can recognize the SUBTLE differences in flavors / qualities. Their taste buds have been sensitized to the point of recognizing what 99%of the population cannot even if they were trying to.

8. Learn to feel vs just emotionally react.

I mentioned this distinction earlier in the list, but it's pretty important. Feelings are what you feel which are true for you all by themselves, right now. Emotional reactions are what you feel now that are really just echoes of something you felt in the past. A LOT of what we humans feel are really just emotional reactions. So, feelings get a bad rap sometimes. And, of course, in this top ten list we're talking about becoming sensitized which is even more than feeling. But the point is that if you're busy emotionally reacting to stuff a lot, you won't be feeling a whole lot and you'll not be sensitized.

9. Deliberately respond to inklings or bare traces to sensation instead of waiting for 'enough evidence' to respond to something. In other words, guess and trust.

Feeling is a skill that for many of us takes experimentation and practice to develop. As you find yourself sensing things earlier and deeper -- and then responding to them faster -- you're probably on this track of sensitivity. Because when you've been sensitized, you don't just feel or sense; you naturally respond to events, people, and situations. You don't have to 'decide' to respond; when you're really sensitized, you just do. Your body doesn't give you a chance to vote. The trick is to 'give in' to feelings and senses even before you can fully describe them.

10. Realize that by the time you can explain or fully describe/articulate something that most of the opportunity has already passed.

This one has been somewhat described in #9 above, but the point here in #10 is that most real opportunities occur far sooner than most people notice them. And just because you didn't notice an opportunity immediately, doesn't mean that you can't benefit from it later, but some of the fun in life and business is to be at the leading edge and on the curve instead of behind the curve. The idea is to be flexible and fast on your feet, eager to play in newly dawning arenas. When you relocate your personal ZIP CODE to this place, you'll find some really cool people who have been waiting for you to join them. And, THEY are attractive.
[Your thoughts on this Attraction Principle? What are the potential pitfalls to it, and are they worth risking for the benefits Thomas outlines? How have you noticed the principle in action in your life? Where could sensitizing yourself be useful to you today? Click here to comment.]

Copyright 1997-2009 and All rights reserved. Used with permission.

Email me for coaching. NOW. ASAP! No need to explain, articulate ... do it now before the moment has passed. Coaching requires sensitivity, and instills it. 817-734-1471 EQ coaching Emotional Intelligence (EQ) Programs for every budget.

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Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Using EQ to get people to call you back and other things

I was killing time, waiting for a client call, so messed around on the Internet. Found a good article - liked the title anyway - something about how to get people to return your voicemails. Written by Scott Ginsberg. It had the usual stuff, some good tips, and then something BLEW ME AWAY. About halfway through, Mr. Ginsberg writes: "Character trumps technique."

I think that's the thing we long to hear (I do anyway), and long to encounter. Someone with character - with intentionality, in emotional intelligence lingo. They say what they mean and mean what they say. They come through. They deliver. They skip the drama and JUST DO IT. They follow the golden rule - treating ME the way they would want to be treated in the same situation.

And that no "technique" can get beyond someone who has no character. (I coach on this constantly to people who interview and hire for their companies and corporations -- no matter how great a person's degrees are, no matter how rich his or her experience, if he or she lies, cheats, steals, is abrasive, or offends others, they are not worth hiring. Right?)

The first thing we learned in Marketing 101, back in the Dark Ages, was that "PEOPLE DO BUSINESS WITH PEOPLE THEY TRUST." Plain and simple. (And not easy, evidently.)

Perusing further, I came upon an email ezine today from one of my favorite coaches, Mark Brandenburg, talking about teaching moments as a parent. Mark is a parenting coach, among other things. Mark Brandenburg says:
We are our child’s main teacher in life. We are surrounded by sarcasm, rudeness, and aggressive behavior. And we have a choice about whether our children become part of this kind of culture, or they adhere to a kinder, gentler, more respectful one. All we need to do is to commit to what we believe in as mentors for our children, and to follow through with “right action.”

To sign up for Mark's free and highly informative e-letter, go here.
A few of the pointers from the article (available HERE)

1. Start with yourself.

He wants you to consider whose calls you would answer first. As we say, emotional intelligence starts with self-awareness. "Without self-awareness there can BE no emotional intelligence."

2. Punch people in the face with your purpose.

This would be focus, an emotional intelligence (EQ) competency; perhaps intentionality. There must be a REASON for your call, and therefore you should give a REASON for a call-back. Makes sense. Why did you call? Well, make sure you say why. Mr. Ginsberg calls this "a call to action." He wants first-time callers to be "respectful and intelligent enough to state their purpose within five seconds of leaving a message." Sounds good to me.

Mr. Ginsberg then points out the difference between a "purpose" and an "agenda." It's a good article. I recommend it.

3. Pamper their ego.

But go a step further, he says, and make them feel essential.

And on the other end, and speaking of ETIQUETTE, which is basically what we are talking about here, along with CHARACTER and EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE -- let me interject here that one of the high points in my life was the day I, as a Development Director for a non-profit (that's fund-raiser) called an engineer in the middle of a nasty, awful day, when I was up to my eyes in alligators, and he answered the phone, "How can I help you?"

From then on, I could not do enough for this man. Word!

Well, two great resources for you there, and a third one - The EQ Course and the EQ Program that I offer, to increase your EQ, your emotional intelligence. It is no mistake that Mr. Ginsberg starts off with self-awareness, and later on mentions empathy. Leave someone the message "you were right,he recommends. It "demonstrates empathy," he says.

According to EQ assessments, incidentally, the average male tests significantly lower in empathy, than the average female (although in overal EQ, on the average males and females test within a few points).

So - male or female, if you want to raise your emotional intelligence, including self-awareness and empathy, email me at or call me at 817-734-1471.

Just like Mr. Ginsberg recommends, I offer you two modes here - email, phone. Neat!

And be sure and check out the list he got from google on why people said they didn't answer calls. LOL. Here's just a couple --

“…He only wants to cause drama between us.”
“…He stood us up last time we worked together.”
“…He was known to be a incorrigible gambler.”
“…If he really liked me, then he would have called sooner.”
“…It seemed like he had nothing to say other than fishing for info.”
“…Our initial connection was lost because a first impression only lasts so long.”

WHY WAIT? Get into the EQ Program now. Most people call it "the missing piece."

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Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Why Coaching is Essential to Learning to be an Effective Leader

Want to increase your abilities as a leader? Let me coach you in emotional intelligence, as I have for many professionals.

From an article entitled WHY DOES LEADERSHIP TRAINING FAIL TO PRODUCE RESULTS?, there are many references to emotional intelligence and the importance of coaching.

As a business leader, you have probably been well trained in logic and analysis. But a key leadership skill is the application of ‘emotional intelligence’ – the ability to know when things are ‘true’ or when they are ‘off’, when people are truly inspired, or just paying lip service. As a leader you need emotional intelligence to manage your own and others’ emotions, and you need skills appropriate to this task. Trying to do it by analysis and logic is about as effective as trying to drive a car by studying from a manual how the engine works.

People, especially in the business world, tend to avoid emotion – expressing it, dealing with it, looking at where it came from and its role in a situation. The rationale for not dealing with emotion, the very essence of leadership, is that all ‘this emotion stuff’ is ‘not professional’! Not so: it’s only ‘unprofessional’ to suppress emotion or express it inappropriately. When all ‘this emotion stuff’ is not explored and resolved in leadership groups, it always produces long-term tensions and political battles. These cause acute stress in individuals and cripple organisational effectiveness and efficiency. At the same time, they also destroy satisfaction, joy, fun, friendship, health, trust and a good night’s sleep!

It's a good article. Read it. And then sign up for emotional intelligence (EQ) coaching, leadership coaching, career coaching, and coaching for success. It does not cost 1000 lbs or $1000. You will be surprised at how affordable it is, and also how effective it is. Give it a try. Email me at .

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Wednesday, July 01, 2009

I haven't exactly kept up with the sordid details of the Mark Sanford's sordid little affair. Why bother. It's any or all of these: boring, predictable, disgusting, exacerbated by his apparent need to make it/keep it public, ho hum, blah blah.

We all know that some men do this. We all know an apology will not do. We all know that yes, it DOES reflect on one's ability to run a country/run a city/run a state ... because you cannot (no, you can NOT) separate a man's private behavior from his public behavior. And if he can't control himself with both marriage and career at stake, how could we expect him to control himself if there were really something important needing attending as governor of a state.

Jenny, Mrs. Mark Sanford, who comes from Winnetka, as do I, has so far moved only slightly off dead-center of every other political wife's reaction to this boring and disgusting behavior. She is not standing solidly beside her man, as Hillary and others have done -- for power, for money, for prestige, and basically what amounts to a horrible example to the young women of the world.

Jenny, Mrs. Mark Sanford, had a high-level career before becoming Mrs. and mother, but then so did Hillary.

Jenny has actually kicked him out, and spoken at least a degree or so more what one would like to here -- i.e., she told reporters that Mark's going to have to worry about his career himself, that she has the "character" of her family to look after.

The Sanfords, after all, have four SONS.

Shame on him.

If Mark couldn't behave like a decent human being for his wife, he might have done it for his sons.

There are few things that screw up a man like a father who has committed adultery, and this man has four sons. It is very hard for a boy to reconcile when his father has (1) made their mother cry, (2) caused their mother emotional pain, (3) done something every kid knows is "wrong", (4) may well lead to divorce ... I could go on and on.

Shame on him.

How Mrs. Sanford will ultimately handle this, the world is waiting to see. The effect on the boys ... will happen later. And a mere "apology" isn't going to do it.

See photo of Jenny with the boys here:

And men, don't write me letters saying "he used poor judgment." That doesn't pass the smell test. Mark Sanford used no judgment at all. Reptilian brain. You have to be THINKING, to use JUDGMENT.

Now how do you feel about having a governor (or even a pool repair man) who cannot THINK?

And, I still maintain, worse than that -- a man who would set such an example for his young sons, AND put them under that sort of psychological pressure.

"I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it.

We wait to see what Mrs. Sanford does. My heart goes out to her, but she's an adult. My heart goes out to the boys most of all. But Jenny will be the one who has to shepherd them through this and it is going to take a long time. And I have coached grown men who are still screwed up because their fathers fooled around on their mothers.

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