Anger, Forgiveness, Emotional Intelligence and Your Health

FORGIVE NOT 7 TIMES, BUT 77 TIMES, by Susan Dunn, Life Coach, Emotional Intelligence Coach, EQ Coach

Yes, it was a difficult weekend. I had houseguests, and one of them has truly been wronged. Not once, but many times. Not by strangers, but by his own family. Not long ago, but long ago and recently.

It made me angry just to hear the stories, though he told them only as they related to the conversation at hand (“So what happened to your father’s farm?” sort of thing), and there was no rancor on his part. Incredulously, he appears to have made his peace with some real injustices. But then that’s one of the reasons we all love him so much.

My friend is very forgiving, and there’s a reason why: he’s had a lot of practice. Forgiveness is like another EQ competency, Resilience. The good news is you can learn it. The bad news is there will always be opportunity. And you can reverse those two!

So, yes, my friend is very forgiving. I imagine he has forgiven 77 times. If you’re familiar with the Biblical passage: “Then Peter came and said to him, ‘Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times.’”

This forgiving friend of mine is of-an-age, and also a physician. “How could you forgive him for that?” I asked him, about a particularly unjust occurrence. “Because I want to live and preserve my health,” he said. Physicians know about emotions and health.

THE TWO WOLVES

There’s a story currently circulating the Internet about a Native American grandfather “whose eyes have seen too much,” talking with his grandson. The boy was talking about an injustice that had happened that day that left him enraged.
The grandfather admitted that he, too, had felt such rage. “I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart,” he told the child. “One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one.”
The grandfather said, “I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those who have taken so much with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die.”
When he finished talking, the grandson asked him, “Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?”

“The one I feed,” replied the grandfather.

[Go here http://www.turtle-tracks.org/issue50/i50_3.html to read the whole story]

PACO…GIOVANNI…TON…SERGEI…ED, JR…JOHANN…PIERRE … THEIR NAMES ARE LEGION
Ernest Hemingway wrote a story about forgiveness. It’s the story of a Spanish father and his teenage son who are at odds, and eventually the strained relationship breaks. When Paco, the rebellious son, runs away from home, his father begins a long, grief-stricken search to find him and bring him back.

As a last resort, the exhausted father placed an ad in a Madrid newspaper, hoping his son would see the ad and respond to it. The ad read:

Dear Paco,
Please meet me in front of the newspaper office at noon. All is forgiven.
Love,
Father

As Hemingway tells the story, the next day at noon, in front of the newspaper office, there are 800 Pacos, all seeking forgiveness from their fathers.

HOW YOU PRESERVE YOUR HEALTH

We have all been wronged. I have been. You have been. Your father has been. The queen of England has been. No one escapes. Some of us have been egregiously wronged and live with rage … for a week, a year, a lifetime. Our anger interferes with our ability to forgive.

And why, perhaps you are asking, should you forgive? There has been incest … infidelity … theft … betrayal … Certainly you’re justified in your rancor after what’s been done to you.

Frederick Buechner, theologian, writes:

“Of the seven deadly sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back – in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you.”

We suffer when we’re angry. It causes physiological reactions that damage our health, and drive others away, leaving us to fester in our own isolated hell. We also suffer because we feel guilty about being angry. And we may feel strangled because we can’t act on it. It’s a complicated emotion.

It is, however, neither good nor bad in and of itself. Emotions just “are.” They guide us. They tell us what to do.

Anger tells us there is danger and we need to deal with it directly. The problem develops when we have not learned Emotional Intelligence and don’t know how to handle this anger. It can live forever in its raw state if not dealt with, undermining our health.

But what if … What if the person who did this is dead? Or estranged, like Paco from his father? … Or virulently poised to do more harm? Or an apology won’t really do, as in “I’m sorry I was drunk for the first 15 years of your life”? Or “I’m sorry I had your father shot by a firing squad in front of your eyes?” What if they absolutely do not deserve our forgiveness? What do we do then?

Being adamantly and relentlessly self-forgiving is an EQ competency. At times it’s even harder to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive others, and we stand in need as well.

While we are all Paco, we are all, also, his father. We create our own world, and as we refuse to forgive others, we refuse to allow others to forgive us. What goes around comes around.

Being forgiving – forgiving yourself and others – is highly recommended.
The person you’re harboring the hatred for isn’t likely to be affected by it, but you are which makes you twice the victim, and more the fool. You are demanding from them something they can’t or won’t give, and you therefore remain tied to them forever. They don’t deserve you to forgive them, but you deserve to forgive them.

HELL

I’m reminded of Dante’s “Inferno.” In the fifth ring of hell live “the Wrathful.” Says the commentary, “they spend their time here either tearing at each other in anger or …” Yes, that’s being in hell.

But even more fitting is the ninth and final circle of Hell, Cocytus, which is ice cold (those farthest from God’s love).

There we find those who betrayed those to whom they should forever have been faithful, those treacherous to kin, and the image is this — two people are frozen in the same hole so that one can gnaw at the nape of the other’s neck. An apt metaphor for how we can gnaw at ourselves with resentment and anger.

To paraphrase Paul Pearsall, Ph.D., psychoneuroimmunologist, ‘Go ahead and rant and rave, rage, beat your chest, fight! But to the victor goes the bypass.’

For your own mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health, you must learn how to let it go. Work with a coach to develop your Emotional Intelligence. Anger directly affects our immunological system, which is our health, and it is an ongoing part of life for all of us. It’s the price we pay for being human.

About the Author
©Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach and Consultant, http://www.susandunn.cc. Coaching, business programs, Internet courses, teleclasses, and ebooks around Emotional Intelligence for your wellness, success and happiness. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine. Put “ezine” for subject line. Susan is the author of The EQ Foundation Course, http://www.susandunn.cc/courses.htm

Emotional Intelligence

Great speaker on emotional intelligence
Keynote motivational speaker, Rachel Green, on emotional intelligence & self-confidence




Susan Dunn, Emotional Intelligence, can help you improve your emotional intelligence. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for programs, coaching, and resources.

Old Farmer Aphorisms

Love these old farmer aphorisms and hope you do too. They have a lot of emotional intelligence to them
:
“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled.”

“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles.”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.”

“Don 't judge folks by their relatives.

“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”

“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.”

“Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.”

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

“The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”

“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”

“Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”

“Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.”

University of Haifa studies shows how valuable employees with high emotonal intelligence are to their employees - and predicts even moreso in the future

What took so long -- highly touted news release from Haifa, Israel, that emotional intelligence is highly valued in employees.

I got into this field 10 years ago because I knew I was on the upside of the curve for the greatest discovery in a long time. You see, emotional intelligence can be taught, it can be learned. I've coached people all over the world in emotional intelligence, and have trained and certified coaches to do the same, all over the world.

CALL ME NOW FOR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE COACHING - 817-734-1471

Excerpts from the article. Read the full article HERE.

Emotional intelligence refers to a person's ability to "read," understand and deal with emotions -- his or her own and those of others.

Study indicates employees with a high level of emotional intelligence were more satisfied with their jobs and were more committed to their organizations.

They also had fewer undesirable work attitudes -- such as burnout, intention to leave and negligent behavior.

"This study has shown that employees with a higher level of emotional intelligence are assets to their organization"

"I believe it will not be long before emotional intelligence is incorporated in employee screening and training processes and in employee assessment and promotion decisions."

Susan Dunn, Emotional Intelligence Coach since 2000
sdunn@susandunn.cc

Why Coaching is Essential to Learning to be an Effective Leader

Want to increase your abilities as a leader? Let me coach you in emotional intelligence, as I have for many professionals.

From an article entitled WHY DOES LEADERSHIP TRAINING FAIL TO PRODUCE RESULTS?, there are many references to emotional intelligence and the importance of coaching.

As a business leader, you have probably been well trained in logic and analysis. But a key leadership skill is the application of ‘emotional intelligence’ – the ability to know when things are ‘true’ or when they are ‘off’, when people are truly inspired, or just paying lip service. As a leader you need emotional intelligence to manage your own and others’ emotions, and you need skills appropriate to this task. Trying to do it by analysis and logic is about as effective as trying to drive a car by studying from a manual how the engine works.

People, especially in the business world, tend to avoid emotion – expressing it, dealing with it, looking at where it came from and its role in a situation. The rationale for not dealing with emotion, the very essence of leadership, is that all ‘this emotion stuff’ is ‘not professional’! Not so: it’s only ‘unprofessional’ to suppress emotion or express it inappropriately. When all ‘this emotion stuff’ is not explored and resolved in leadership groups, it always produces long-term tensions and political battles. These cause acute stress in individuals and cripple organisational effectiveness and efficiency. At the same time, they also destroy satisfaction, joy, fun, friendship, health, trust and a good night’s sleep!

It's a good article. Read it. And then sign up for emotional intelligence (EQ) coaching, leadership coaching, career coaching, and coaching for success. It does not cost 1000 lbs or $1000. You will be surprised at how affordable it is, and also how effective it is. Give it a try. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

How to Have a Peaceful, Meaningful Christmas

My article, "Post Holiday Blues" is featured in an ebook you may want to read. It's called HOLIDAY BLUES GUIDE, by Barbara Kilikevicius, written "for all who seek solace during the Christmas season."

Post Holiday Blues
By, Susan Dunn, MA

“You gotta pay the price,” one of my clients is always telling me. She’s referring to what is a law of physics, and also the way things work – what goes up must come down.

The higher your Christmas, the more exciting, chaotic and tumultuous, the more likely you’ll be tumbling down just as far. Why? According to sychoneuroimmunologist (big word meaning the effect of brain and emotions on health, i.e., immunology), Paul Pearsall, Ph.D., our smart bodies want to establish equilibrium. Picture a graph on a midline. The midline is calm, routine. We can get very happy
and go up; or very unhappy and go down. Therefore, if our emotions go way up, there will come a time when our inner wisdom brings us down low, so we settle back into that middle space.

Does this mean if you have a terrible grief or depression, you can expect to be that happy at some time in the future? I’ve seen it happen. It’s a tenet of Emotional Intelligence that if you don’t fully experience one emotion, you stuff down ALL emotions. In other words, if you face grief and go through it, not around it, you will carve out a space to be filled with happiness. If you don’t, you shut down, and
become numb, in which case you don’t feel the bad, but you also don’t feel the good, and greatly limit your experience of life.

So, if you’re having a “down” period now what do you do? First of all, accept it. You can last it out. To speed it on its way:

1. Get active. Exercise an extra hour. It creates physical energy, it clears the mind, and flushes out toxic emotions. Do it especially if you don’t feel like it.

2. If you’re an introvert you may prefer meditation, yoga or Tai Chi.

3. Clean your house from top to bottom, doing the physical work yourself. Do it like a ritual, that is, with meaning. This is to get rid of the yuch, and make room for the sunshine. This is a tradition in many cultures at the New Year for a reason – because of what we’re all going through right now! Throw stuff out, sweep toward the doors, vacuum then take the bag out and dump it in the garbage, wash the furniture with something like Murphy’s soap.

4. Accept quiet times and go with the flow. Curl up by the fire and read good books. Coddle yourself with extra long baths with special lotions. Get your nails done. Get massages. Fix yourself a warm breakfast. It’s kind of a hibernating time anyway.

5. Jump-start your thinking brain. Start a new course. If you’re an extrovert, go to community ed classes. If you’re an introvert, enjoy yourself on the Internet with distance learning courses and take teleclasses.

6. Start a new intellectual project at work and at home. Start a new physical project at home - build a greenhouse, paint the spare bedroom.

7. Start anything new – new health club, new piano lessons, coaching, fencing lessons, new hairstyle, new friendship, new career.

8. If you live in an area where this is high allergy-time (such as Texas), make adjustments to your diet, because it’s cumulative - pollen PLUS diet PLUS dust and mold inside your house. Clean your air ducts.

9. Laugh. One simple exercise is to put a pencil in your teeth crosswise. This makes the muscles of your face into a smile, and this helps our bodies. It gives us the same great relief a good laugh does.

10. Don’t fight it. There is no need to appear “Miss Congeniality” when you aren’t feeling that way. It’s okay to be in a quiet place. Also, because this is the peak of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), get more sunshine. Exercise outside. Take a Caribbean cruise. When the sun crosses the bed in the spare bedroom, go lie down and soak up the rays.

Change is the only thing that stays constant, so know that your mood will eventually find its place. If you are seriously depressed, check with your personal health care professional.

Susan Dunn, M.A. (http://www.susandunn.cc/), individual coaching, coach
certification program, ebooks and seminars for mindful living and success.

Please contact me for coaching during this time! It's one of my specialties. sdunn@susandunn.cc . Coaching by email, phone and in person. Payment accepted by personal check, credit card, or PayPal.

Barbara writes in the introduction:
, emotional

My original intent was to add a small subchapter in my book A Mindful Christmas ~ How to Create a Meaningful, Peaceful Holiday. After hearing from many experts I decided to put together this free guide for anyone that needs some relief now. If you suffer from the holiday blues or know someone that does then this guide is for you. Please feel free to print this out or send anyone our way via the website http://www.amindfulchristmas.com to
download a free copy of this ebook themselves.

May it be a peaceful and meaningful season for you and yours. Let me help you if I can.

Susan

FOR CHRISTMAS MUSIC SELECTIONS THAT SOOTHE, AND USING THE POWER OF MUSIC TO MAKE YOUR HOLIDAYS PEACEFUL AND MEANINGFUL, VISIT CLUB VIVO PER LEI - I live for music.

Job Traning: Smile and Greet People

SMILE AND GREET THE CUSTOMER

I can't think of any store I go into these days where the staff or "customer service representatives" have not been trained to smile and greet the customer immediately and pleasantly - or else "get written up."

It is politically correct to smile these days. Nearly everyone does, in public.

Just one thought from the venerable Maya Angelou:

If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don't be
surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning 'Good morning' at
total strangers."

- Maya Angelou

It is part of your personal power, emotional intelligence, to be able to manage your emotions and use them for win-win outcomes. For emotional intelligence coaching, or to become a certified emotional intelligence coach, email me for information at sdunn@susandunn.cc or visit my website, www.susandunn.cc .