Anger, Forgiveness, Emotional Intelligence and Your Health

FORGIVE NOT 7 TIMES, BUT 77 TIMES, by Susan Dunn, Life Coach, Emotional Intelligence Coach, EQ Coach

Yes, it was a difficult weekend. I had houseguests, and one of them has truly been wronged. Not once, but many times. Not by strangers, but by his own family. Not long ago, but long ago and recently.

It made me angry just to hear the stories, though he told them only as they related to the conversation at hand (“So what happened to your father’s farm?” sort of thing), and there was no rancor on his part. Incredulously, he appears to have made his peace with some real injustices. But then that’s one of the reasons we all love him so much.

My friend is very forgiving, and there’s a reason why: he’s had a lot of practice. Forgiveness is like another EQ competency, Resilience. The good news is you can learn it. The bad news is there will always be opportunity. And you can reverse those two!

So, yes, my friend is very forgiving. I imagine he has forgiven 77 times. If you’re familiar with the Biblical passage: “Then Peter came and said to him, ‘Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times.’”

This forgiving friend of mine is of-an-age, and also a physician. “How could you forgive him for that?” I asked him, about a particularly unjust occurrence. “Because I want to live and preserve my health,” he said. Physicians know about emotions and health.

THE TWO WOLVES

There’s a story currently circulating the Internet about a Native American grandfather “whose eyes have seen too much,” talking with his grandson. The boy was talking about an injustice that had happened that day that left him enraged.
The grandfather admitted that he, too, had felt such rage. “I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart,” he told the child. “One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one.”
The grandfather said, “I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those who have taken so much with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die.”
When he finished talking, the grandson asked him, “Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?”

“The one I feed,” replied the grandfather.

[Go here http://www.turtle-tracks.org/issue50/i50_3.html to read the whole story]

PACO…GIOVANNI…TON…SERGEI…ED, JR…JOHANN…PIERRE … THEIR NAMES ARE LEGION
Ernest Hemingway wrote a story about forgiveness. It’s the story of a Spanish father and his teenage son who are at odds, and eventually the strained relationship breaks. When Paco, the rebellious son, runs away from home, his father begins a long, grief-stricken search to find him and bring him back.

As a last resort, the exhausted father placed an ad in a Madrid newspaper, hoping his son would see the ad and respond to it. The ad read:

Dear Paco,
Please meet me in front of the newspaper office at noon. All is forgiven.
Love,
Father

As Hemingway tells the story, the next day at noon, in front of the newspaper office, there are 800 Pacos, all seeking forgiveness from their fathers.

HOW YOU PRESERVE YOUR HEALTH

We have all been wronged. I have been. You have been. Your father has been. The queen of England has been. No one escapes. Some of us have been egregiously wronged and live with rage … for a week, a year, a lifetime. Our anger interferes with our ability to forgive.

And why, perhaps you are asking, should you forgive? There has been incest … infidelity … theft … betrayal … Certainly you’re justified in your rancor after what’s been done to you.

Frederick Buechner, theologian, writes:

“Of the seven deadly sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back – in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you.”

We suffer when we’re angry. It causes physiological reactions that damage our health, and drive others away, leaving us to fester in our own isolated hell. We also suffer because we feel guilty about being angry. And we may feel strangled because we can’t act on it. It’s a complicated emotion.

It is, however, neither good nor bad in and of itself. Emotions just “are.” They guide us. They tell us what to do.

Anger tells us there is danger and we need to deal with it directly. The problem develops when we have not learned Emotional Intelligence and don’t know how to handle this anger. It can live forever in its raw state if not dealt with, undermining our health.

But what if … What if the person who did this is dead? Or estranged, like Paco from his father? … Or virulently poised to do more harm? Or an apology won’t really do, as in “I’m sorry I was drunk for the first 15 years of your life”? Or “I’m sorry I had your father shot by a firing squad in front of your eyes?” What if they absolutely do not deserve our forgiveness? What do we do then?

Being adamantly and relentlessly self-forgiving is an EQ competency. At times it’s even harder to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive others, and we stand in need as well.

While we are all Paco, we are all, also, his father. We create our own world, and as we refuse to forgive others, we refuse to allow others to forgive us. What goes around comes around.

Being forgiving – forgiving yourself and others – is highly recommended.
The person you’re harboring the hatred for isn’t likely to be affected by it, but you are which makes you twice the victim, and more the fool. You are demanding from them something they can’t or won’t give, and you therefore remain tied to them forever. They don’t deserve you to forgive them, but you deserve to forgive them.

HELL

I’m reminded of Dante’s “Inferno.” In the fifth ring of hell live “the Wrathful.” Says the commentary, “they spend their time here either tearing at each other in anger or …” Yes, that’s being in hell.

But even more fitting is the ninth and final circle of Hell, Cocytus, which is ice cold (those farthest from God’s love).

There we find those who betrayed those to whom they should forever have been faithful, those treacherous to kin, and the image is this — two people are frozen in the same hole so that one can gnaw at the nape of the other’s neck. An apt metaphor for how we can gnaw at ourselves with resentment and anger.

To paraphrase Paul Pearsall, Ph.D., psychoneuroimmunologist, ‘Go ahead and rant and rave, rage, beat your chest, fight! But to the victor goes the bypass.’

For your own mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health, you must learn how to let it go. Work with a coach to develop your Emotional Intelligence. Anger directly affects our immunological system, which is our health, and it is an ongoing part of life for all of us. It’s the price we pay for being human.

About the Author
©Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach and Consultant, http://www.susandunn.cc. Coaching, business programs, Internet courses, teleclasses, and ebooks around Emotional Intelligence for your wellness, success and happiness. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine. Put “ezine” for subject line. Susan is the author of The EQ Foundation Course, http://www.susandunn.cc/courses.htm

Prayer and emotions

Notice how this prayer links the emotion of anger with sorrow and other emotions. Also the physical - my BONES are dismayed.

Supplication (Samuel II 24, Psalms 6)

And David said to God: I am very sad. Let us fall in the hands of God, as His mercies are many, but let me not fall in the hands of man.

Compassionate and gracious One, I have sinned before You. O Lord, full of mercy, have mercy upon me and accept my supplication.

O Lord, do not rebuke me in Your anger, nor chasten me in Your wrath.

Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am pining away; heal me, O Lord, for my bones are dismayed.

And my soul is greatly dismayed; But You, O Lord—how long?

Return, O Lord, rescue my soul; Save me because of Your lovingkindness.

For there is no mention of You in death; In Sheol who will give You thanks?

I am weary with my sighing; every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears.

My eye has wasted away with anger; it has become old because of all my adversaries.

Depart from me, all you who do iniquity, For the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping.

The Lord has heard my supplication, The Lord receives my prayer.

All my enemies will be ashamed and greatly dismayed; they shall turn back, they will suddenly be ashamed.

[prayer if from the Holy City Prayer Society in Jerusalem]

Forgiveness - Emotional Intelligence

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE COMPETENCY: To be adamantly and relentlessly self-forgiving.
From this, you can forgive others.

What is forgiveness? From "A Moment to Remember"



Remember that you forgive for yourself. Otherwise you become the skeleton at the feast.

New Year's Resolution: Stop Annoying Other People

MORE ON NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

New Book about Emotional Intelligence and Coaching ... "What Got You Here Won't Get You There," by Marshall Goldsmith and Mark Reiter, soon to be released, and excerpted on businessweek.com. It's about leadership, but it's also about emotional intelligence and coaching.

One of Goldsmith's tips has to do with New Year's resolutions. Most of us make them. I don't, actually, because I'm a coach, and it's an ongoing thing with me that I model to clients. My "new year" doesn't start Jan. 1. It starts whenever I want it to; many times during a given year, in fact. New Year's day is as artificial as fake snow; it isn't even an astronomical event. So create your own any time you want to change.

Goldsmith believes in striving to be better human beings, we rarely resolve to do better in our interpersonal relationships.

Coaching clients are generally highly evolved and motivated, so I find most of my clients understand that the change has to be them, not the outer world. Goldsmith believes one thing crucial to good leadership is changing one or two interpersonal habits that annoy other people. Personal habits of your own, that is.

Fits with my definition of leadership which for someone as philosophical as I am, is eminently pragmatic: "A LEADER IS SOMEONE OTHER PEOPLE WANT TO FOLLOW." Want to follow. It's a feeling word. If you're brilliant, dedicated, highly-trained, highly credentialed, and know something I want to learn, but every time I get around you, you demean me ... I'll go "follow" someone else, thank you kindly.

In his book, Goldsmith outlines 20 habits that rub people the wrong way and tells how to break them.

Here are two:

ANNOYING HABIT NO. 1: CLINGING TO THE PAST

That's why I'm a coach. People have always loved to tell me their problems. After many years of this, in the workplace, I had an "ah hah" moment one day. Someone had come to me yet again to explain another person's behavior, and I blurted out, "I can tell you why, I can tell you all about their issues (I have an advanced degree in clinical psychology, plus am keen about figuring other people out), but you're still going to have to deal with them.

I can tell you why Fred 'bites people's heads off', he gives off clues about his childhood and the nature of his parents and of his brain and nervous system like a honeycomb oozes honey, but YOU are still going to have to deal with him trying to bite your head off. In fact it is a mistake for you to "understand" it if it means just sitting there and tolerating it. (Take my "How to Handle Difficult People" course and learn more about this.)

The same goes for your own "bad habits."

Emotional Intelligence is keen on this as well. I don't care why you're angry and throwing a tantrum. Just don't throw it at me. It may be a reason, but it should not be an excuse. Goldsmith's example is listening to someone nadder on about their father and mother and finally tossing a quarter at the man (a coaching client, I presume) and saying, "Call someone who cares."

One of the examples I give is about the young woman who popped into my office one day and said, "I'm going to be a real bear today. I'm PMSing."

"Not to me, you're not," I said.

PMS is no excuse for bad behavior any more than your past is an excuse for bad behavior.

Emotional intelligence shows you what else to do with your anger, joy, fear, etc. It's a choice, you know.

The point, says Goldsmith, according to this book review, is if you want to change the future, understanding won't get you there.

Not an original thought, of course. It's Einstein rephrased: You can't solve the problem on the same plane where it was created. (Albert Einstein)

ANNOYING HABIT NO. 2: REFUSING TO EXPRESS REGRET

Goldsmith frames it as losing face, essentially. Many people are highly invested in never being wrong it's true, and here we have a reframing of "would you rather be right than in relationship".

"It feels humiliating to seek forgiveness," Goldsmith says, "because we think it suggests subservience. We believe that apologizing forces us to cede power when, in reality, it's a great control tactic."

Goldsmith feels that "apologizing turns adversaries into allies, even servants. It is one of the most powerful and resonant gestures in the human arsenal--almost as powerful as a declaration of love."

In emotional intelligence, we look further than that. Being adamantly and relentlessly self-forgiving is a component of emotional intelligence. It frees you and it can keep you alive, I mean physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. We forgive not from altruism, but for our own health ... so we don't continue feasting on the skeleton, as the theologian put. Anger and resentment are delicious, but the skeleton at the feast is you.

Goldsmith reframes forgiving, apologizing, as forcing everyone to let go of the past.

Would that it were so. But to do this, YOU must be willing to accept the apology and move forward. The apology doesn't do it (can someone apologize for an affair? for running over your dog in the driveway?) ; YOU do.

It's hard to swallow your bile, and Goldsmith gives a great example: a young woman in a Fortune 100 company who was smart and had been brought in to bring about change. Everyone loved her except one of her peers, who viewed her as "arrogant" and "felt she didn't respect the company's history and traditions."

Goldsmith suggested that she apologize to this man, and scripted the apology for her to say, including that she had been disrespectful of the company's history and traditions.

Goldsmith believes there's magic in this process.

I picture this particular one as a scenario between a young adult and their middle-aged parent. From time-to-time I have a client who INSISTS that they cannot move on in their life until their parent APOLOGIES to them for not being there/favoring their sibling/leaving their mother/not sending them to college/'making them' be a lawyer instead of a pianist/never remembering their birthday/making them eat spinach.

What bothers me about this scenario is that the parent could equally demand an apology for keeping them all night/having ADHD/getting pregnant outside of wedlock/flunking out of the college they'd already paid $40,000 for/marrying someone from another religion or culture and messing up family get-togethers/inconveniencing their life with ashthma ... Except that in this society, we expect parents to parent, that is to "serve."

I had a client once who believed she was fat, at the age of 40, because of something her father did. But you see, her father is not there now shoveling mashed potatoes into her face. That's victimology. I'm going to write a book about this apology from the parent.

Goldsmith says apologies are a catalyst ... "how individuals change, teams improve, and companies become world-beaters. "

If you want to become even more successful in 2007, start by letting go of the past and learning to say: "I'm sorry."

Aren't those great? I bet there are more great habits to bust in that book. I'll be waiting for it come out.

Read the book excerpt on businessweek.com, HERE.

A New Year is a New Beginning

IT'S A NEW YEAR, MAKE IT A NEW BEGINNING





Margaret Loris, The Sunhealer, has some great tips for us to begin the New Year free from past misunderstandings and grievances. Here is her article:


Here’s a powerful technique to begin the New Year free from past misunderstandings and grievances you have. Let’s begin by taking responsibility for our lives and commit to live in power by releasing victimhood and blame.

When we hold someone bondage to the past, we keep ourselves captive also. We remember the pain and fear it repeating again. So we close down, build defenses, and wall off our hearts and emotions. Remember, some people are repeat offenders and never change.

At least we give them the space and opportunity to grow. If you have someone like this in your life, you can choose to disassociate from them. They have free choice too. Forgiving means stopping your permission for their behavior to be repeated and that what was done was unacceptable.

Forgiveness is needed for behaviors that were abusive and need to be ended. So when we forgive, we unchain the past and the unforgiven from our minds and our hearts. We stop giving permission for them to torment our minds and our thoughts. Both you and the other person are free to grow into unlimited possibilities and evolve. This opens the door for miracles to occur. You can give them the opportunity to recognize their core star essence and let that light shine brightly.

Simultaneously, you also recharge and renew yours. This may be inappropriate for the random act of violence from a stranger, or for someone who was abused as a child or while in some other position of true helplessness. Further healing may be required.

Step 1: To begin, imagine your offender in front of you. Next, we are going to ask them, in deep sincerity, to forgive us. Yes, we will take the reigns and ask for forgiveness first, even if we are totally innocent. If you find this difficult, simply go up to their Soul level and ask Soul to Soul. For example, perhaps I am angry with my mother for forcing me to eat spinach when I hated it. I would say, “Mother, will you forgive me?” If that person doesn’t or can’t answer you, their Soul will respond “YES!” because their Soul wants freedom and forgiveness too. It’s that easy.

Step 2: Declare your forgiveness to them first. “I, (Margaret) forgive (my mother) for (making me eat spinach). I release and forgive her for her highest good.”

Step 3: Next, imagine going up to that person and giving them a heart to heart hug. If your pain, anger and resentment prevents this heart connection, again communicate your Soul with their Soul. There is no grievance on the upper planes.

Step 4: Really begin to sense that person’s soul essence. Stay there as long as it takes to feel a love connection. Remember, I am with you if you feel uncomfortable. It will be all right. Just give it a chance. You’ll begin to feel hardness melt. Begin to feel their heart beat against your chest. Sink deeper in --- Realize this person’s God Presence is the same God Presence that lives in you. Feel the pain, bitterness and anger releasing. Relax, take a deep breath, and go deeper yet. Rest.

Step 5: Pay attention to your emotions and what your partner says and feels towards you. Rest and find comfort in knowing that you are healing two people very deeply and on many levels.

Step 6: Visualize the person you are forgiving being blessed by your forgiveness and, as a result, being freed from continuing the behavior that hurt you.

Step 7: Feel yourself growing lighter and more joyous. Know you are free to move on and create your life in happiness and love.

Here is a beginning list of people to forgive to get started:

• Mother
• Father
• Siblings
• Doctors and Nurses
• Bosses, Employees and Colleagues
• Teachers and Peers
• Clergy
• Old boyfriends/girlfriends, Lovers, Ex-wives and husbands
• Children
• Friends

You get the idea. Now set yourself free!
____________________
Which brings up the one person you left out -- YOU. Being relentlessly and adamantly self-forgiving is an emotional intelligence component and an important one. Until you can forive yourself, you cannot forgive anyone else. Remember that you forgive for YOUR benefit, not theirs.

For coaching, call 817-734-1471.
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