Susan Dunn's Favorite Communication Operating Principles

Favorite Communication Operating Principles
by Susan Dunn

Virginia Sapir, a psychologist and pioneer in family counseling, wrote: "Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships he makes with others and what happens to him in the world about him."

With this in mind, I present some my favorite Communication Operating Principals.

1. "In order to understand what another person is saying you must assume it is true and try to imagine what it could be true of."
~ George Miller ~

2. "The first law of communication is: Assume you have been misunderstood."
~ Source Unknown ~

3. "Men can take up to 7 hours longer [than women] to process complex emotive data. [They] will not know what they feel at the moment of feeling and will take longer to figure it out. [They] may not be able to put their feelings in words - if they choose a verbal strategy at all."
~Michael Gurian, author of "What Could He Be Thinking" ~

4. "Verbal confrontation is as natural to men as walking or breathing, and as unconscious."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin, author of "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" ~

5. "There is a libraryful of research to indicate that logic is almost useless as a way of convincing people of anything."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

6. "Never use Hedges ('I know you'd never let me, but . '). They are exactly equivalent to wearing a big sign that say 'Please kick me - I would love to be a victim.'"
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

7. "If a man truly wants to communicate with his wife, he must enter her world of emotions."
~ Gary Smalley ~

8. "For parlor use, the vague generality is a life saver."
~ George Ade ~

9. "The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said."
~ Peter Drucker ~

10. "Sympathetic people often don't communicate well. They * back reflected images which hide their own depths."
~ George Eliot ~

11. "If you can always be taken by surprise because you have no idea what verbal aggression is or how to spot it, you are an ideal target."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

12. "The genius of communication is the ability to be both totally honest and totally kind at the same time."
~ John Powell ~

Whether we're communicating at work, socially, or in an intimate relationship, and whether we're communicating thoughts or feelings, it's a strategy, a choice we make in an effort to accomplish something. And, it's good to remember - if you're there, you're communicating SOMETHING, whether you mean to or not.

Interpersonal skills are part of emotional intelligence and can be learned. Become aware of your communication style and work to improve it.

What's a Social Skill?

A social skill is any skill facilitating interaction and communication with others. Social rules and relations are created, communicated, and changed in verbal and nonverbal ways. The process of learning such skills is called socialization.

aka Emotional Intelligence

From some source, I know not what:

10 Ways to Improve Your Interpersonal Skills

1. Smile.
2. Be appreciative.
3. Pay attention to others.
4. Practice active listening.
5. Bring people together.
6. Resolve conflicts.
7. Communicate clearly.
8. Use humor.
9. See it from their side.
10. Don't whine.

Sounds good to me! Want to improve your EQ? Take THE EQ COURSE.

Better yet, become a certified EQ coach and train others. My course is highly-rated, on the Internet, interactive and includes coaching sessions with me. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for more information. I have trained and certified coaches internationally.

What REALLY Makes People Change

In “Getting Emotional about Social Marketing: Why and How People Change Behaviour” they argued that “fear and facts” did not create change; ingrained habits were more likely to respond to an emotional connection with another human being or community. See the full article HERE.

This is something that constantly comes up in relationships - personal relationships, work relationships, relationships like counseling and therapy. We have all been lectured "at" too much. We immediately set up barriers when someone is trying to intimidate or scare us.

What works? An emotional connection with another human being, and that means having emotional intelligence.

Want to learn more? Take my EQ Course. It's on the Internet, interactive, and you can include coaching for exponential growth. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Thanksgiving Thoughts

Everyone's going to be hiring a coach in January, when it's time for New Year's Resolutions. I can get you trained, certified and ready to go by January 1. email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc. My training program is long distance, by phone, Internet courses and email.

THANKSGIVING THOUGHTS

Thou hast given so much to me,
Give one thing more, - a grateful heart;
Not thankful when it pleaseth me,
As if Thy blessings had spare days,
But such a heart whose pulse may be Thy praise.
~George Herbert

The Pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts. No Americans have been more impoverished than these who, nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving. ~H.U. Westermayer


If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice. ~Meister Eckhart

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Thanksgiving Day comes, by statute, once a year; to the honest man it comes as frequently as the heart of gratitude will allow. ~Edward Sandford Martin


Thanksgiving, after all, is a word of action. ~W.J. Cameron

Thanksgiving Etiquette

Thanksgiving Day Etiquette

The days of dining by plucking fruit from trees and roasting
small animals over the fire, eating with fingers, and perhaps
fighting with others over the scraps are long gone. Or are they?

More and more we swing our car through the drive-in, grab our
food from the window, and proceed to eat with our fingers, so
perhaps you need a brush-up on the basics of formal - shall we
say "civilized" dining - before the great Thanksgiving feast.

Rules of civilized dining evolved because, according to
Margaret Visser ("Rituals of Dinner"), "animals are slaughtered
and consumed, the guest-host relationship is ... a complicated
interweaving of the imposition of obligation and the suspension
of hostility, and the ordinary table knife is related to actual
weapons of war."

Utensils were to be handled delicately, so as not to alarm. For
instance, the knife was not to be held in the fist, like a
weapon, nor pointed threateningly at anyone, and conversation
was to be gentle, not provocative.

Now for a review of the basics on how to be the consummate
Thanksgiving guest.

1. Respect time.

Arrive on time with a smile on your face and plan to have a
good time. Leave on time. If it hasn't been stated, you will
have to use your EQ--your intuition. Watch the host (generis)
for subtle cues - the more formal the occasion, the more subtle
the cues, i.e., changing position in his chair, sighing, and
talking about "what a big day we have tomorrow." As you say you
must leave, expect protesting, and expect to leave anyway. It's
a "formality."

As our visits in the homes of others become more rare, the #1
complaint of hostesses seems to be that the guests won't go
home. One woman told me her guests arrived at noon and had to be
jettisoned, finally, at 10 p.m. That's not a get-together,
that's an ordeal.

2. Wear your uniform. Do your job.

Yes, as the guest you have responsibilities. Dress
appropriately and festively, and prepare to make it a happy
occasion. Note "make." It doesn't just happen; those in
attendance must make it happen. Eat, drink and behave in
moderation.

3. When summoned, obey the summons.

As a long-time PR person, you can't imagine how we appreciate
the "leader type" who, when we say, "It's time to take you
seats," heads for the dining room and beckons her friends to
come along; and when the hostess says, "Shall we retire to the
living room for coffee," does the same.

4. Observe protocol.

Age before rank. "Special" people would be the
great-grandmother, then if you've invited your boss, or there's
a guest of honor. The most special person "sitteth on the right
hand" of the host and hostess, who are seated at opposite ends
of the table. If there are not place cards, it's appropriate to
ask, "Where would you like us to sit?"

5. Once seated, stay awake!

Look to your hostess to lead. At this meal even the most
unsuspecting people will say a grace, for instance. The hostess
will indicate when to start passing things, and when she starts
to eat, you may eat. Facilitate the meal for others - start
passing the shared items, the salt and pepper (both), the
butter, the cranberry sauce, and the gravy.

6. The passing of things.

If your plates are served, then when someone asks for the salt,
pick up both the salt and pepper and place them down beside the
person next to you. They are not passed hand-to-hand, and only
the requesting party may use them. Inefficient? Manners are not
about efficiency.

7. Make conversation.

It's an active thing! At a smaller seating, there may be one
general conversation; in a larger group, talk with the people
across from you and on either side of you. If you're
conversation-challenged, work with your coach and come up with a
list of conversation-starters, i.e., Did you see that great
special on PBS last night? What are your plans for Christmas
this year? How was the traffic at the airport? What football
team are you rooting for? Start training your children young.
Help them come up with a list of things to talk about. They'll
love it and feel included.

Your hostess will appreciate if you keep the conversation
going, spend some time with the shy people or the octogenarian,
and help with awkward silences. At formal dinners, businesses
lunches and other dining occasions traditionally when the food
is served, everyone starts eating and there's a silence. Someone
needs to "break the ice." Plan for this and be prepared with a
confident and cheery, "It sure gets quiet when the food comes,"
or "Marcella, where did you find fresh arugula this time of
year?"

8. What about all those utensils and glasses?

The general rule is work from the outside in. Go here to
review:
http://www.cuisinenet.com/digest/custom/etiquette/manners_intro.shtml

9. Beginnings and endings.

The napkin. When you're seated, place your napkin in your lap.
When you're finished, place your utensils on your plate; don't
push it away. Place your napkin loosely to the side of your
plate.

10. Odds 'n' Ends

Sit upward in your chair; don't lean back. Don't rest your
elbows on the table. It's permissible to lean forward slightly
and rest part of your upper arm on the table. If you take
medication, do it discretely and neither mention it nor notice
it in others. Something in your mouth you don't want? The way in
is the way out. Spit the olive pit into your palm and place it
on your plate. Deposit the turkey bone back on the fork and
place in on your plate.

What can you eat with your fingers? Artichokes, plain
asparagus, bacon, bread, cookies, corn on the cob, chips, French
Fries, hors' d'oeuvres, sandwiches, small fruits, berries, and
cubed cheese. When in doubt, wait and see what your hostess
does.

And ... while it's important children learn etiquette, it's
also important they enjoy themselves. The gravy will come out of
the shirt when you wash it - or plan clothes where it doesn't
matter so much.

About the Author: Susan Dunn, personal life coach on all
matters, http://www.susandunn.cc sdunn@susandunn.cc. Personal
coaching, business, Internet courses and ebooks.Creator of the
Difficult People course (prepare now for holidays)-
http://tinyurl.com/2xr3yg Coach cert prorgram, global. Email for
free mini-session.

Spirituality in Healing and Medicine

The emotion associated with heart attack is hostility.

I love this video. It makes so many important points.
The doctor says that the side-effects of Prolexa are the same symptoms for which it is prescribed.
He talks about a medical school course called the healing art ... and the healing power of Love. Well, call it unconditional positive regard.
He mentions Little Miss Sunshine --- listen to what Olive says. (It is her presence.)
Focus on one and it becomes still. We see things as they truly are. (Clear the clutter)
To see the cow in the snowball, be still. "Then you can connect with the beaty."
Some of the most powerful influences on health.
Spirituality in medicine ... touch on that which is somewhat fearful.
There's your absolute; there's my absolute.

Romantic Love is a Drive

Oh the pain, oh the suffering of love
Romantic love ...

Some quotes:

Plato: "The God of Love lives in a state of need."
She wants the medical and the legal communities to understand this.
Ethologists know that animals have preferences
Animal attraction can be instant
There is love at first sight
Brain center of intense romantic love still become active after 25 years
Why one person rather than another?
There will always be magic to love

What you MUST Know if You're Taking a Cruise

What You MUST Know If You’re Taking a Cruise (and boy are the rates going down now!)
Author: Susan Dunn, Personal and Professional Development Coach

Being a coach, I speak on cruises. I took my first cruise about 8 years ago. I asked a friend who’d cruised a lot what I needed to know and she said, "Nothing. Just have fun." I disagree. Having cruised many times since then, I’d like to pass on some tips to help you enjoy your cruise more.

INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL INSURANCE

Medicare doesn’t cover expenses incurred outside the US. Many insurance plans provide little or no coverage for international or out-of-network travel medical expenses. Find out about yours before you go. Then fill in the gaps with travel insurance.

The most expensive thing can be what's called "medi-vac" - say like taking you by helicopter from Belize to the US, or flying you (and you must have a nurse attendant) first-class on a plane back to the US.

Also investigate:

1.Insurance to cover cancellations and interruptions, and cost of delayed or lost baggage

2.Financial Default Coverage for financial failure of airline, cruise line or tour operator

3.Terrorism Coverage for reimbursement if you cancel trip due to terrorist incident in departure city or itinerary city

4.Medical Evacuation Coverage, Medical Reunion and Return of Mortal Remains, all of which can be very costly.

PACKING

Pack the "little" things because the lack of them gets "big" on a trip. Ear plugs, aspirin, hang-nail clippers, bandages or Neosporin will cost you 5 times as much and also waste hours of pleasure time while you search for them.

Take along a small basic first-aid kit and comfort kit. This should include something like DEET unless you fancy Dengue fever or such. Yes, the ship has an infirmary, but it’s a long trip down there, and an expensive one. Yes, these articles will be available in most ports, but the prices are really jacked up and -- again -- it's about time.

Think of things you use over a week’s time: antihistimine, eyedrops, lotion, aloe Vera, anti-diarrhea medication, hair dryer, needle and thread.

If it’s important to you, bring it. The last cruise I was on supplied numerous toiletries, but no hair dryer.

WARDROBE

Formal night! It’s the reason some cruise. It’s the reason some won’t.

Let me set your mind at ease. If you don’t want to go to formal night, you can avoid it. Most cruises have a casual buffet option with delicious food every night, 24 hour hot dogs and pizza, and 24 hour room service.

If you want to participate in formal night, tux rental is available – http://www.cruiselineformal.com . Most ships keep some inventory onboard, but it’s best to order early. There are usually tailors on board.

What will others be wearing? The last cruise I went on, I saw very few tuxes. What do you see? Everything. Western formal, including the cowboy hat and boots, dark suits, nice slacks and coats. Cocktail dresses for women, pantsuits, prom dresses. Total white zoo suits for men.

The Captain’s Cocktail Party or Reception is another chance to dress, mix and mingle if you like. It is also completely optional. Dress is generally dark suits for men, and cocktail dresses for ladies.

It’s slippery on deck, so bring some good gripping shoes. Don’t try and break in a new pair of shoes on your vacation. Some excursions require a lot of walking, and so does getting around on the ship. You will have forgotten how one good blister on your heel can ruin your vacation.

Day wear is resort casual. No need to spend a fortune on clothes unless you want to. Some cruise lines provide bathrobes, or bring your own for poolside and dining in buffet. Rarely does one see blue jeans for some reason, but anything else goes. Some people who cruise a lot, take along things they are about to get rid of. They wear them one day, then give them away to people at the ports. Then they have an empty suitcase for all the things they buy to bring back.

If you get a sunburn, or if you want protection, bring along a light shirt with long sleeves.

Hot tubs often contain enough bromide to bleach out your bathing suit and also relax the elastic. Bring an old suit, or an inexpensive one if you plan to sit in the hot tub a lot.

LUGGAGE

Between airline, dock and ship, it’s unrealistic to assume nothing will happen to your luggage. Common sense would dictate buying the most sturdy and least expensive baggage you can find, i.e., don’t give a crystal goblet to a toddler and then be "surprised" it gets broken. You'll also have to juggle this conundrum - strict limits to baggage on airlines, just about no limit to baggage on a cruise ship.

PHOTOGRAPHS: AN UNDERUSED OPPORTUNITY

They want to sell photos! Photographers are operating nightly, with various backgrounds (including traditional), black and white as well as color. They are pleased to photograph you as many times, in as many ways, as you like. If you’re in need of a new professional head shot, bring along your suit. (For your own photos, if you should happen not to have your camera you can buy one on the ship or shore - again at a pretty price.

HEALTH

You don’t have to gain 20 lbs. unless you want to. Cruises offer tracks, workout rooms, exercise programs, dancing, lite menus, low-calorie menu options, low-fat desserts, salad bars, and plenty of active excursions ashore, including just plain vigorous walking.

You can also do the thing you do at home to effortlessly increase your activity level. Take the stairs instead of using the elevators. Get up and get your own drinks. Offer to get people seconds at the buffet. Volunteer to go back to the room for forgotten items. If you consider the size of a cruise ship -- up and down as well as lengthwise, it should occur to you how long a walk it might be from your room to the pool. Then to the room to change. Then to the dining room.

Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, distance learning courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional development. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free ezine. Susan is the author of "How to Get to Present on a Cruise," Become a certified EQ coach. Start tomorrow, no residence requirement.

Susan coaches by phone, email, and in her D. C. office which is conveniently located to all suburbs and the Metro.

The Erotic Love Letter

Bright Star - first love burns brightest? "Together they rode a wave of romantic obsession."

As someone who coaches people of all ages, and is also a Dating Coach, I would like to say that maybe the last love burns even brighter. Perhaps like a star moving on?

From a kids' astronomy site:

There are several different kinds of stars in the sky. Some are very big. A couple have been found that are 100 to 200 times bigger than the sun. At the end of their lives these large stars can stretch themselves out past the orbit of the planet Uranus.

If you are an older person in love, and feel like you are stretching out past the orbit of the planet Uranus, think of this compared to Keats writing that he felt he was "dissolving."

Keats agreed to teach Fanny Brawne poetry ... and a love affair began. The movie critics have noted that while it is "only words," the movie is "incredibly erotic."

They're having a contest for love letters. I love it because (1) you can enter a hand-written love letter OR (2) a tweet.

Enter and win! Love and win! If you're afraid to love, feel like you're holding back, have a commitment-thing, or just need dating coaching, email me - sdunn@susandunn.cc. I specialized in helping singles over 40 find their True Love. I coach by email, phone, and in my office in the D.C. area.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE: The UNempowered Parent

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE: The UNempowered Parent