Saturday, September 29, 2007
Lets face it, there is extra stress during the holidays. While the pumpkins are starting to appear on doorsteps, and fall wreaths on doors, you may be getting a feeling in the pit of your stomach.
One of the stressors for some people is the family gatherings. After all, we don't get to choose our families! There may be an uncle that always jerks your chain, or a sister you have trouble getting along with, or maybe your mother is just determined to get everyone to get together and is saying "can't you just get along."
Whatever it is, it's smart to prepare yourself. The EQ Course can help, and also I have a special course called Dealing with Difficult People. To find out more about this course, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org . It is on the Internet, but it is interactive. You can ask me specific questions by email and dialogue with me about your individual situation.
Here are some of the things people have said you took the course.
"This course got me through it all. Thank you, thank you." -- P.T., Louisiana
"Finally I get it. It wasnt easy for me to see what was going in and like you say ithas been like that for a long time. When I do what it says to do then I'm OK." -- S.D., California
"Thanks for opening my eyes. Now I know how to avoid those touchy areas, and how to keep things from escalating. Very helpful, specific advice and things to say. I will recommend this course to others."
Email me for more information, email@example.com .
To register for the course on PayPal, go HERE.
Found an interesting blog called Presentation Zen. Many tips on presentations, and he stresses the importance of emotional intelligence.
The author of the blog is writing a book called Presentation Zen and he has also run marathons. I thought this was good to keep in mind. If you're working on a big project, remember the last stretch is the toughest part.
I have run four full marathons in my life, and I have found that producing a book feels pretty similar in at least one regard: no matter how much progress you make, the finish line seems a million miles away. You know you'll get there on schedule, but the closer you get the more you realize that there is still so far to go. Right now I am at about the 20 mile mark in the book writing/designing marathon process. If you have ever run a marathon you know that this last bit—"only a 10K"—is the toughest part.
Friday, September 28, 2007
The year is 1941, and FDR is president. It is August 9. Germany has been attacking England and has just turned its attention to Russia. In the meantime, Japan is agitating in the Pacific. The US is deeply divided about "war." Roosevelt is determined to send aid to both England and Russia, while avoiding having the US go to war. Churchill and Roosevelt have agreed to meet in person, for the first time, in the middle of the Atlantic to talk about things. From the book, "No Ordinary Time" by Doris Kearns Goodwin:
Harry Hopkins understood how important it was for the future of both Britain and the U.S. that these two men get along. Knowing both personalities, he could see that they had much in common. But he also feared that the two big egos would clash. In fact, from the moment the two men met, it was clear that they were destined to be not only allies in a common cause, but special friends. Now look at how the meeting was set up.
"On Saturday morning, August 9, the Prince of Wales (Churchill's ship), with her flags flying and her band playing the Sousa march "Stars and Stripes Forever," came within sigh of the Augusta (Roosevelt's ship). "Around us were numerous units big and small from the US navy," Churchill's aide-de-camp recalled. "How hungrily Winston Churchill looked over their firepower. How we needed it!" With the naked eye, the figure of Franklin Delano Roosevelt could be discerned standing on the upper deck, supported by his son Elliott. (remember, he was paralyzed from the waist down from polio). As Churchill boarded the Augusta, the crowd stirred and the navy band struck up "God Save the King." Roosevelt remained still for several instants. Then a smile began to run over his face like a rippling wave and his whole expression turned into one of radiant warmth. " (And so on). (I can't help saying that I LOVE that they greeted one another with each other's MUSIC.)
Then -- after they have discussed things a bit, the particular topic being what to do about Japan, Goodwin writes: "For both Roosevelt and Churchill, the emotional peak of the conference came on Sunday morning, as Roosevelt boarded the Prince of Wales for a religious service, complete with the singing of a dozen common hymns. Holding hymnbooks in their hands, the two leaders joined in song, with hundreds of British and American sailors crowded together side by side, sharing the same books. 'The same language, the same hymns and more or less the same ideals,' Churchill mused that evening. 'I have an idea that something really big may be happening -- something really big.'"
Image from clipart.com.
"If nothing else had happened while we were here," Roosevelt later said, the joint service that sunlit morning "would have cemented us." For one brief moment, human togetherness gained ascendancy. "Every word seemed to stir the heart," Churchill attested, "and none who took part in it will forget the spectacle presented --- It was a great hour to live."
GOD SAVE THE KING (QUEEN)
To learn more about emotional intelligence, that THE EQ COURSE. Email firstname.lastname@example.org for information about coaching, and/or to become a certified coach.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
10 Barriers to Clear Perception and Smart Choices (which EQ can remedy)
"Everything is self-evident," said Rene Descartes, mathematician and philosopher.
Everything is self-evident if you have high emotional intelligence and are good at reality-testing. If you're clouded with emotions, stuck in the past, inflexible, inauthentic, or inept at verbal and nonverbal communication, alas, everything is not self-evident.
When you develop your emotional intelligence, and the ability to understand and manage your emotions and those of others, you see things clearly. You can avoid the following pitfalls to accurate perception and smart choices:
1. How you WISH things were.
2. How you think things SHOULD be.
3. Believing that how things have always been in the past is the way they are now, and ever will be.
4. Assumptions about situations in-the-moment which seem at the surface level to be similar to experiences and people in the past. Assumptions always need to be checked out.
5. Your persona or inauthentic, unintegrated self, which shifts according to mood, emotion, person and situation leaving you without compass or anchor.
6. Your ability to delude yourself because of lack of self-knowledge.
7. Self-sabotaging because of lack of self-knowledge, self-management and low EQ.
8. Fear, anger, jealousy and other strong emotions which distort thinking.
9. Hearing what you WANT to hear or NEED to hear instead of what's actually being said. Failing to take into account the other person's nonverbal behavior.
10. Distortion from relying on other people's perceptions of reality and/or "catching" their emotions.
IN SUM: We are our emotions. They influence our perception of reality. The more you understand yourself and your own emotions, the better you can understand their effect upon your perceptions of reality and manage them so you can make smart choices.
Emotional Intelligence, being able to process your emotions, means understanding which of your three brains is operating (reptilian, limbic or neocortex), and which brain[s] you need to be in. Emotions guide us and give us information, but sometimes we need to get to the neocortex to make the decision. For instance, you may be angry and feel like hitting someone, but your "thinking brain" will tell you this isn't a wise course of action. By the same token, you may love someone (limbic) while your neocortex keeps giving you reasons not to.
The most important decisions generally need to be made with both the heart and the mind. Here are some examples.
If you strongly desire to like the person you're dealing with, or if you have a need to like them, you may miss what's actually going on. This is what's happened when you hear someone repeat an anecdote, saying, "He did [something mean] BUT HE'S REALLY A NICE PERSON." It's clear to you the person mentioned is NOT "a nice person," because nice people don't do things like that, and you wonder how the person telling you the anecdote can be so mislead.
Another good example is one I read on a Russian bride website. It was giving advice to the male suitors re: such important factors as wanting or not wanting to have children. They cautioned that because the need of the Russian woman to come to the US might be so strong, she would delude the man, because she had truly deluded herself. She would say what the man wanted to hear even if she didn't mean it.
How do you guard yourself against such disillusionment? High EQ, time, reflection, feedback, intuition, and understanding people and their emotions.
HEARING WHAT YOU NEED OR WANT TO HEAR
This can happen when the outcome is very important to you. If it's with a loved one, you may fear rejection or loss and therefore your emotions interfere with what you're hearing. Someone who's been rejected a lot, for instance, will read things into what they're hearing, finding rejection in places where it doesn't exist.
Because of their emotional state, they may jump to conclusions that aren't warranted, or over-react. For instance, if their partner tells them "I don't like it when you talk that way to my mother (which is a behavior which can be changed)," they may hear, "I don't love you" (which is a condemnation of you as a person). This sort of distortion is why it's good to repeat back what you think you've heard in heated discussions where the outcome is important. If you say, "Let me make sure I understood what you said. You said you're angry because I..." this gives the other person the opportunity to clarify what they said or meant, and to correct your misperceptions. This is vital to good communication.
It's common with couples for each person to correct the other saying, "But that's not what you meant" or "That's not what you said." There's never a place for this. By checking it out with the person you give them a chance to self-correct, to correct you, and to establish clear communication about important things.
If you aren't clear about what brain is working, i.e., reptilian, limbic or neocortex, you can do yourself in. One reason coaching is helpful is because it can help you clarify what you're really after, and what fears and obstacles you're throwing in your own path. If you want something but never seem to be able to attain it, it could be that you fear success, or fear failure, or aren't clear about what you want. An example would be wanting to marry someone because you love them (limbic) but talking yourself out of it (neocortex) because your best friend doesn't like him. Your best friend may or may not be perceiving correctly, and is certainly entitled to their opinion, but they aren't the person who will be marrying this man, you are. Therefore you need to get centered in your own feelings and perceptions.
DISTORTION FROM "CATCHING" EMOTIONS
Emotions are contagious. We vary in our ability to protect ourselves from "catching" them, and in our ability to stay centered in our own emotions.
An example of this happened to me the other day. I told a friend I was planning to drive from San Antonio to Houston to pick up my sister at the Houston airport for us to continue on to a vacation in Alabama. Her flight would arrive at Houston International and we both had cell phones. I planned to pick her up out front. It seemed simple enough to me, but the person I related this to said it was "very difficult" and not to try it.
I checked it out with a third person who travels through the Houston airport all the time to find out what on earth the first friend was getting at. The third person said "Just be sure and bring at least $4 worth of quarters for the tollway, and aside from that, there should be no problem."
It turned out I had no trouble whatsoever. When I checked back in with the first person, he was incredulous. If I had listened to his perception of reality, I wouldn't have done something that was actual quite easy to do. I'm sure you can think of many examples in your own life.
This is another situation coaching is good for. People tend to bring their own fears into advice-giving, and think about what they would do and how they would feel instead of being able to see if from your point of view. Whatever your goal, whatever you have in mind, there is someone out there who would be afraid of it.
Whether you want to be an entrepreneur, or marry someone from another culture, move to a Caribbean Island, or write a novel, or bungee jump, there is someone to whom this is a frightening thing who will do their best to discourage you because of their own feelings about it.
Developing your Emotional Intelligence has many benefits. Give it a try! Most people get immediate results and realize immediate improvements in their lives.
Take The EQ Course to learn more, and sign up coaching. Email me at email@example.com .
Find out why emotional intelligence is so popular. (It's not just a passing fad.)
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
With the holidays coming up, it's a good time to set your intentions. Intentionality is one of the highest emotional intelligence competencies. If means saying what you mean and doing what you say.
Whereas many people leave it at that, I like to add that this applies to your attitude as well. Do you intend to end up frazzled during the holidays, going over budget, screaming at the kids, fighting with your mother-in-law, havein meltdowns and so forth?
I'll be having lots of tips. But right now, consider that one of the best ways to alleviate stress in your life is to learn how to delegate. This is very hard for people with low emotional intelligence. I liked this article a lot, and hope you find it helpful. It's about "your own business," but (and this is part of EQ), it is applicable to many other situations.
(Take the EQ Course to learn more about Intentionality.)
Break the Death Grip of Delegation Dysfunction and Enjoy the Dream of Owning Your Own Business
Delegation dysfunction plagues most small businesses.
Here's how it works: You give something to someone else to do. They put it on the bottom of their pile. You check onit and discover that it's not done. You press them on it, and it finally gets done (with rolled eyes and cold stares). But it's not done right and you end up doing it yourself. That is the definition of dysfunction! "Getting things done through others is a fundamental leadership skill. Indeed, if you can't do it, you're not leading," declares Larry Bossidy and Ram Charan in Execution: The Discipline of Getting Things Done.
FOUR ESSENTIALS FOR GETTING THINGS DONE THROUGH OTHERS
In spite of this dysfunction, delegation actually does work. More importantly delegation MUST work or we're doomedto doing everything ourselves. Here's what it takes to get things done through others:
1. Clearly identify the jobs that need doing
Effective delegation starts with knowing what needs to bedone. As obvious as that statement sounds, it is where mostbusinesses fail. Strong dynamic leaders have an idea ofwhat they want done, but never communicate it clearly,leaving others trying to read their mind.Not surprisingly, most employees are not good a readingother people's minds. As a result, expectations areunfulfilled and everyone is unhappy. All because no onetook the time to clearly define what needed to be done. Like the old Fram® commercials where a grizzled mechanic says, "You can pay me now or you can pay me later," upfront time spent clarifying expectations saves hours of wasted effort.
2. For each of those jobs specifically state WHO is going to do WHAT by WHEN and HOW (or NOT HOW)?
Here is the blocking and tackling of delegation: Choose the right person to give a project to (WHO), that is the person for whom a task is the best fit for their talent and ability. Specifically outline the parameters of the project (WHAT) and set reasonable deadlines for its completion (WHEN). Also set intermediate milestones toward the completion of those deadlines and check on those milestones faithfully, adjusting them if needed (also WHEN). Finally determine the best practices that should be implemented to complete the project (HOW) and the methodologies that should be avoided entirely (NOT HOW). Again, a little time spent at the beginning of a project-this should take LESS than an hour-reaps big rewards. Write everything down and distribute it to everyone on the project.
3. Provide the time and training for your people to excel at these jobs.
What passes for delegation in most businesses is really dumping. Or what I call "drive-by delegating" where leaders shoot people with a list of things to do and speed away to the next victim. Effective business leaders view delegation as a process NOT an event. It is a process that takes time. Be patient with people and let them adjust to the learning curve of acquiring a new skill. It is also a process that takes training, giving people the tools they need to excel at what they do. The problem is that we wait until the last minute-until we ourselves are utterly overloaded-before we ask for other people's help. We then don't have the time to adequately train our people. But time and training is critical for getting things done through others. Look into the future, even for a few months, and identify the jobs you might ask other people to do. Then get them started on learning those jobs. In others words, stop dumping on your people in the name of delegation. Start developing them into the fully capable employees that they can be.
4. Follow-up each assignment politely, but religiously on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis.
Finally, you must follow-though on everything that you delegate. No exceptions. Inspect what you expect. Don't wait until the end of a project to inspect either. Check in at first daily just for a quick update. As you gain confidence that a project is well underway, have weekly times where you touch base. NEVER, however, let more than a month slip by without meaningful inspection of anything others are doing for you. Accountability accelerates performance. Simple, polite, honest accountability creates a culture of execution within your company. "Follow-through is the cornerstone of execution, and every leader who's good at executing follows though religiously," Execution: The Discipline of GettingThings Done again advises.
ENJOY THE REAL DREAM OF OWNING YOUR OWN BUSINESS
When you break the death grip of delegation dysfunction,you will enjoy being a business owner again. You will have gathered a team of people around you who are just as serious about the success of your small business as you are. Together you conquer the world! That's the dream you had when you started your business.
About the Author:Bill Zipp is a seasoned small business specialist. Bill has spent thousands of hours working with hundreds of business leaders across the country, and his proven program, TheBusiness Fitness™ System, provides a step-by-step plan for building a strong, self-sustaining small business. For aFREE Special Report, The 3 Biggest Killers of SmallBusinesses Today (And What YOU Can Do About Them!) visithttp://www.LeadershipLink.net .
Monday, September 24, 2007
In his article, "A Private Talk on Honesty," Harry Palmer, of Avatar(r), talks about honesty.
For someone to reply honestly to these questions in everyday life would be rare, wouldn't you say? We walk in the office and say, "How are you?" and the other person replies, "Fine," even though they were robbed the night before, or are going through a difficult divorce.
From the article:
Honesty is a very delicate subject to talk about. In most circles, no one would ever be so tactless as to even bring it up. Pirates, criminals, swindlers and con artists proclaim their honesty most loudly. No wonder it has become a subject that tends to besmirch the speaker at its mere mention.
So I am aware that I am walking on the thin ice of the holier-than-thou, but this is an important subject. Without self-honesty, a person will substitute rationalized thinking for his or her genuine feelings. With such, the question, “What do you feel?” will evoke intellectual speculation (What should I feel?) rather than an actual experience of what is present.
Read the full article here: A Private Talk On Honesty
Emotional expression is one of the EQ competencies. You can see how you measure on it, by taking THE EQ MAP. Then if you'd like to work on your emotional intelligence, give me a call and let's get started.
We'll start with "How are you feeling?" No, really. How are you feeling?
Call 817-734-1471. Email firstname.lastname@example.org .
Sunday, September 23, 2007
In today's mailbag, supposedly written by Michael Gartner, editor of newspapers large and small and president of MBC News. In 1997, he won the Pulitzer Prize for editorial writing.
In conjunction with this, I received this link
http://www.poodwaddle.com/realage.swf for calculating your "real" age and your life expectancy. When you get to the one that rates your marriage, watch what happens if you move to "very happy." If you'd like coaching on relationships email me at email@example.com . There is nothing more helpful than to increase your emotional intelligence skills. As you'll see on poodwaddle.
Here is the article, entitled NO LEFT TURNS.
>> My father never drove a car. Well, that's not quite right. I should
>> say I never saw him drive a car.
>> He quit driving in 1927, when he was 25 years old, and the last car
>> he drove was a 1926 Whippet.
>> "In those days," he told me when he was in his 90s, "to drive a car
>> you had to do things with your hands, and do things with your feet,
>> and look every which way, and I decided you could walk through life
>> and enjoy it or drive through life and miss it."
>> At which point my mother, a sometimes salty Irishwoman, chimed in:
>> "Oh, bull----!" she said. "He hit a horse."
>> "Well," my father said, "there was that, too."
>> So my brother and I grew up in a household without a car. The
>> neighbors all had cars -- the Kollingses next door had a green
>> 1941 Dodge, the VanLaninghams across the street a gray 1936 Plymouth,
>> the Hopsons two doors down a black 1941 Ford -- but we had none.
>> My father, a newspaperman in Des Moines, would take the streetcar to
>> work and, often as not, walk the 3 miles home. If he took the
>> streetcar home, my mother and brother and I would walk the three
>> blocks to the streetcar stop, meet him and walk home together.
>> My brother, David, was born in 1935, and I was born in 1938, and
>> sometimes, at dinner, we'd ask how come all the neighbors had cars
>> but we had none. "No one in the family drives," my mother would
>> explain, and that was that.
>> But, sometimes, my father would say, "But as soon as one of you boys
>> turns 16, we'll get one." It was as if he wasn't sure which one of us
>> would turn 16 first.
>> But, sure enough , my brother turned 16 before I did, so in 1951 my
>> parents bought a used 1950 Chevrolet from a friend who ran the parts
>> department at a Chevy dealership downtown.
>> It was a four-door, white model, stick shift, fender skirts, loaded
>> with everything, and, since my parents didn't drive, it more or less
>> became my brother's car.
>> Having a car but not being able to drive didn't bother my father, but
>> it didn't make sense to my mother.
>> So in 1952, when she was 43 years old, she asked a friend to teach
>> her to drive. She learned in a nearby cemetery, the place where I
>> learned to drive the following year and where, a generation later, I
>> took my two sons to practice driving. The cemetery probably was my
>> father's idea. "Who can your mother hurt in the cemetery?" I remember
>> him saying more than once.
>> For the next 45 years or so, until she was 90, my mother was the
>> driver in the family. Neither she nor my father had any sense of
>> direction, but he loaded up on maps -- though they seldom left the
>> city limits -- and appointed himself navigator. It seemed to work.
>> Still, they both continued to walk a lot. My mother was a devout
>> Catholic, and my father an equally devout agnostic, an arrangement
>> that didn't seem to bother either of them through their 75 years of
>> (Yes, 75 years, and they were deeply in love the entire
>> He retired when he was 70, and nearly every morning for the next 20
>> years or so, he would walk with her the mile to St.
>> Augustin's Church. She would walk down and sit in the front pew, and
>> he would wait in the back until he saw which of the parish's two
>> priests was on duty that morning. If it was the pastor, my father
>> then would go out and take a 2-mile walk, meeting my mother at the
>> end of the service and walking her home.
>> If it was the assistant pastor, he'd take just a 1-mile walk and then
>> head back to the church. He called the priests "Father Fast" and
>> "Father Slow."
>> After he retired, my father almost always accompanied my mother
>> whenever she drove anywhere, even if he had no reason to go along. If
>> she were going to the beauty parlor, he'd sit in the car and read, or
>> go take a stroll or, if it was summer, have her keep the engine
>> running so he could listen to the Cubs game on the radio. In the
>> evening, then, when I'd stop by, he'd explain: "The Cubs lost again.
>> The millionaire on second base made a bad throw to the millionaire on
>> first base, so the multimillionaire on third base scored."
>> If she were going to the grocery store, he would go along to carry
>> the bags out -- and to make sure she loaded up on ice cream. As I
>> said, he was always the navigator, and once, when he was 95 and she
>> was 88 and still driving, he said to me, "Do you want to know the
>> secret of a long life?"
>> "I guess so," I said, knowing it probably would be something bizarre.
>> "No left turns," he said.
>> "What?" I asked.
>> "No left turns," he repeated. "Several years ago, your mother and I
>> read an article that said most accidents that old people are in
>> happen when they turn left in front of oncoming traffic.
>> As you get older, your eyesight worsens, and you can lose your depth
>> perception, it said. So your mother and I decided never again to make
>> a left turn."
>> "What?" I said again.
>> "No left turns," he said. "Think about it. Three rights are the same
>> as a left, and that's a lot safer. So we always make three rights."
>> "You're kidding!" I said, and I turned to my mother for support "No,"
>> she said, "your father is right. We make three rights. It works." But
>> then she added: "Except when your father loses count."
>> I was driving at the time, and I almost drove off the road as I
>> started laughing.
>> "Loses count?" I asked.
>> "Yes," my father admitted, "that sometimes happens. But it's not a
>> problem. You just make seven rights, and you're okay again."
>> I couldn't resist. "Do you ever go for 11?" I asked.
>> "No," he said " If we miss it at seven, we just come home and call it
>> a bad day. Besides, nothing in life is so important it can't be put
>> off another day or another week."
>> My mother was never in an accident, but one evening she handed me her
>> car keys and said she had decided to quit driving. That was in 1999,
>> when she was 90.
>> She lived four more years, until 2003. My father died the next year,
>> at 102.
>> They both died in the bungalow they had moved into in
>> 1937 and bought a few years later for $3,000. (Sixty years later, my
>> brother and I paid $8,000 to have a shower put in the tiny bathroom
>> -- the house had never had one. My father would have died then and
>> there if he knew the shower cost nearly three times what he paid for
>> the house.)
>> He continued to walk daily -- he had me get him a treadmill when he
>> was 101 because he was afraid he'd fall on the icy sidewalks but
>> wanted to keep exercising -- and he was of sound mind and sound body
>> until the moment he died.
>> One September afternoon in 2004, he and my son went with me when I
>> had to give a talk in a neighboring town, and it was clear to all
>> three of us that he was wearing out, though we had the usual
>> wide-ranging conversation about politics and newspapers and things in
>> the news.
>> A few weeks earlier, he had told my son, "You know, Mike, the first
>> hundred years are a lot easier than the second hundred."
>> At one point in our drive that Saturday, he said, "You know, I'm
>> probably not going to live much longer."
>> "You're probably right," I said.
>> "Why would you say that?" He countered, somewhat irritated.
>> "Because you're 102 years old," I said.
>> "Yes," he said, "you're right." He stayed in bed all the next day.
>> That night, I suggested to my son and daughter that we sit up with
>> him through the night.
>> He appreciated it, he said, though at one point, apparently seeing us
>> look gloomy, he said:
>> "I would like to make an announcement. No one in this room is dead
>> An hour or so later, he spoke his last words:
>> "I want you to know," he said, clearly and lucidly, "that I am in no
>> pain. I am very comfortable. And I have had as happy a life as anyone
>> on this earth could ever have."
>> A short time later, he died.
>> I miss him a lot, and I think about him a lot. I've wondered now and
>> then how it was that my family and I were so lucky that he lived so
>> I can't figure out if it was because he walked through life, Or
>> because he quit taking left turns. "
>> Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who
>> treat you right. Forget about those who don't. Believe everything
>> happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes
>> your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised
>> it would most likely be worth it."
Friday, September 21, 2007
What a great article this one is -- entitled NETWORKING A SOFT SCIENCE? ONLY TO COLLEGE PROFESSORS.
The author, Dr. Ivan Misner, talks about meeting with the President of a Southern California University along with his Dean for the School of Business, to discuss what the school could be doing better to teach students.
Dr. Misner's answer? "[S]tart teaching courses on networking, social capital and/or emotional intelligence.”
From the article:
I told him that “social capital (which is the study of resources developed through personal and professional relationships) and emotional intelligence (sometimes called EQ for emotional quotient) are key factors to the successful interaction of people with one another.”
I suggested that often people may get hired because of their “IQ” but they will get promoted because of their “EQ.” All of these subjects have a strong influence on someone’s success and there is a wealth of research being developed in each of those areas.
The President looked to his Dean for the School of Business and asked him what he thought. The Dean looked me squarely in the eyes and said, “my professors would never teach that material here!” I asked him “why” and he said, “it’s all soft science.”
Soft science! Teaching people how to interact with people in an effective way is “soft science!” I should not have been surprised. I’ve run into this many times before with college professors in the past. I was just amazed that this progressive university would take such a position.
Great stuff here.
Want to increase YOUR emotional intelligence? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org for information on my long-distance training program. Ideal for coaches, mentors, managers, human resources, therapists, doctors, lawyers ... anyone who wants to increase their "social capital." And who doesn't?
In today's mailbag, about leadership:
"It appears we have appointed our worst generals to command forces, and our most gifted and brilliant to edit newspapers. In fact, I discovered by reading newspapers that these editor/geniuses plainly saw all my strategic defects from the start, yet failed to inform me until it was too late. Accordingly, I am readily willing to yield my command to these obviously superior intellects, and I will, in turn, do my best for the Cause by writing editorials - after the fact."
-- Robert E. Lee
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
How are your people skills? Your social skills? Your relationship skills? Your emotional intelligence?
Today's emailbag is about increasing those life skills that can enhance your life.
THE 70% RATE IN MARRIAGE
Author Pat Morley notes:
“In writing about what makes a successful marriage, family systems thinker Edwin Friedman said, 'In reality, no human marriage gets a rating of more than 70%.' In other words, even the most successful marriage will only be symptom-free about 70% of the time. Patsy, my wife, and I both think we have a great marriage. We talked this 70% thing over, and it makes sense to us. Use this to encourage yourself. You don’t have to be symptom-free 100% of the time. 70% is about right, and that’s pretty good in a fallen world.”
If you haven't got 70% in your range, email me at email@example.com and I'll make arrangements to help you increase your emotional intelligence and relationship skills.
Q: hi, i wanted to ask about how to attract this guy that i like in college. i don't know him and he is one year older than me (am 21)i don't get to see him alot , but i heared lots of nice things about him . i don't know if i am imagining but i think he noticed me . please tell me how to attract him without looking so desperate .
A: Well, I don't know the situation at your particular college, but let me give you some examples, and you can put on your thinking cap and connect the dots. Its not a bad skill to learn, BTW. There are times in life when we want to get some exposure to someone, so they can get to know us a little and see if it's a 'take'. The general theory is -- find out where they go, and be there.
Here are some examples of how this works.
One of my clients is a fundraiser. He needs to get around donors (people who have money) and sometimes he can't get through their secretary to make an appointment, or emails aren't answered, or lunch invitations are declined. So in one case, he found out the guy had opera tickets and managed to get a pair of tickets right next to the guy. From that vantage point, he was able to have a nice conversation with the guy (at intermission and afterwards), and let him get to know him, and the relationship went on from there.
How he found out where the man's seats were, etc. took some investigation. But it's possible.
This goes on all the time in the business world, of course. That's why people join country clubs, golf clubs, recreational clubs, etc. People meet clients that way, get jobs that way, etc. Another client of mine needs a job. Besides the obvious things (monster.com, agencies), she is making time to hang out at the pool, where she can ask around and maybe meet some hirers.
Another woman who wanted to date a man she had heard had just become available, knew he attended galas for charities, and so she showed up at one. She "ran into him" beforehand, and managed to sit at his table. It worked and he asked her out.
Another client wanted to meet a guy at her college. She started eating at different dining halls, keeping her eyes open to see where and when he ate. When she found out, she dressed for success, showed up, and just got in line behind him and struck up a conversation. He asked her out.
If there's a group involved, it's easy (why we join groups). One woman found out in Sunday School that the man of her dreams was going to the weekly dance class. She joined up. That's a no-brainer.
Lastly, again I don't know about your college, but be prepared for the lucky chance of just running in to him. Women go up to men all the time in the grocery store, for heaven's sake. Surely you might run in to him on campus. Be looking! Notice a couple of things about this.
- You may have to do some investigating. Don't be obnoxious about it. None of these people were. You can also ask around, just in the way of conversation. "Hey, Bill is cute. Do you know what classes he's taking?"
- You have to have the social skills to maneuver the meet and the initial conversation. If you need to brush up on your social skills, I recommend coaching. THAT is a life skill you MUST have. How to strike up a pleasant conversation with ANYBODY, and present yourself in a good light, is something every man and woman needs to know. It's an art and it can be learned (email me for coaching, firstname.lastname@example.org ). Shyness will get you nowhere, but being obnoxious will also get you nowhere.
- The follow up. This is to make something possible. It lets the person know your name and get to know you a little bit. From that point on, it is up to them. Of course you do not pursue, badger, or even that awful word "stalk". You see the difference? It's an introduction (if the two of you haven't met), or a little reminder (if you've had a conversation or two). Beyond that, it's up to him. It's not classy to make a nuisance of yourself.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
In today's mailbag about emotional intelligence - a robot named Zeno who has blinking eyes that can track people and a face that "captivates" a range of expressions.
The most fun is reading how they try and describe ... what only humans have, and robots do not.
David Hanson and a small group of engineers have been working on this creation for over 5 years. They believe there is a market for lifelike robotic companions, or social robots. I can't imagine why ...
From the article:
Unlike clearly artificial robotic toys, Hanson says he envisions Zeno as an interactive learning companion, a synthetic pal who can engage in conversation and convey human emotion through a face made of a skin-like, patented material Hanson calls frubber.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
I’m famous by my self criticism. My ego died when my second daughter was born. I love to practice early in the morning in order to reveal my musical sub-conciousness. Emotional intelligence conducts my artistry; I am not able to remember anything if I’m not deeply emotionally involved in the subject.
I can’t stand so-called contemporary pseudo-poetics that facilitate pianists to play and create without breaking a sweat. True art should heavily engage not only the artist but also the consumer.
Pianist Dejan Sinadinović
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Great new article on emotional intelligence on Newsweek called "Building a Better Team."
The topic at hand is called "collaborative intelligence," sort of the idea that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.
It's Marshall Goldsmith, author of What Got You Here Won't Get You There, (see Einstein quote - "No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it") talking about his e-mail correspondence with Stephen Joyce, author of best seller Teaching an Anthill to Fetch: Developing Collaborative Intelligence @ Work - (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0978031202/susandunnmome-20).
Joyce refers to firemen fighting fires, platoons of soldiers in combat, sports teams ... sort of esprit de corps, teamwork, the effect when people are working effectively together, sharing information and all else needing sharing ... "united we stand, divided we fall."
Specifically he is talking about NOT getting bogged down in the nemesis of all -- "politics."
Especially interesting to me now as I am reading Peter the Great by Massie, who, when talking about the wars (specifically the war between Sweden and Russia), mentions how the Russians kept losing because initially their inexperienced soldiers acted like a mob (panicing and so forth) instead of with the rich discipline of the well-trained Swedes. And also, at the point I am now reading, that the Swedish demise was due to the failure of the commander to brief his sub-commanders before the battle -- because of jealousy and spite. The one commander couldn't stand the other, and just plain out didn't like to talk to him. So he didn't. And Massie faults King Charles XII for not knowing this about the two men's personalities.
Collaborative Intelligence -- Is this stuff new? Well, a better question to ask, given the business world's (and it's writer's) propensity for "reframing," especially with new acronymns, is does it work?
I think it is possible to raise the collective EQ by raising the EQs of its individual members, or possibly even A member. I have seen it happen. We are all too sadly aware that "one bad apple can spoil the bunch." After all, one of the comments I often get from those who take my DIFFICULT PEOPLE course is, "Now I see when I become the 'difficult person.'"
A few things from the article I especially liked:
Here are some of the most important characteristics of a team with high CQ:
• Is able to share the stress and strain evenly throughout the team.
• Achieves its objectives more through people and less through politics.
• Has a strong network of connection and support between its members. This accelerates learning, enabling the team's reactions to be rapid and responsive to challenges.
• Looks after its own: Individuals are not left to fend for themselves, and staff retention is high because people feel a strong sense of belonging
"Collaboration" sort of implies emotional intelligence. Without it, however, I would contend that the entity (business, group, committee, organization, squad, team) will tend not to operate like an anthill (which, after all gets the job done, by instinct) but rather, like a mob. Because ants have a rudimentary 'brain' and humans have 3 brains (and emotions), and are therefore capable of so much more, for good or for ill.
King Charles XII, King of Sweden - and Emotional Intelligence
Currently I am reading Robert Massie's Peter the Great: His Life & World, a Pullitzer prize-winning best-seller first published in 1980. Nevertheless, the facts have not changed. :-)
One of the "main characters," of course is King Charles XII of Sweden, a fascinating true-life character if ever there was one. And speaking of "character," which is, in part, what emotional intelligence is about, look at how he handles obstacles and setbacks:
From the book, referring to the Battle of Narva. Sweden and Russia are at war and the year is 1700.
Once, while trying to get around a mound of wounded and dying men, [King Charles] fell with his horse into the ditch; he was extricated, but had to leave the animal, his sword and one of his boots behind. He mounted another horse, which was immediately killed under him, while he himself was hit by a spent ball which he found in his necktie after the battle. Seeing the King without a horse, a Swedish horseman leaped from his own mount and offered it to the King. Scrambling into the saddle, Charles said similingly, "I see that the enemy want me to practice riding."
What are you being asked to "practice" now? It could be anything from "patience," to "getting promotions," to "controlling your anger," to "leadership," to "self-control."
Understanding how the emotions work and how to manage yours and others' is what EQ is all about.
For individual coaching session, email email@example.com .
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Don't miss this great chance for travel prizes and $3,000 in cash.
Click here to enter: http://cheapflights.studentuniverse.com/USNSCS/
And hurry! The contest is only running until October 24!
"Employees join companies but leave their managers." - Marcus Buckingham
"Seek to understand first and then be understood." - Stephen Covey
SEEN RECENTLY ON THE INTERNET ABOUT EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE:
You may want to offer ... Understanding and Using Emotional Intelligence to all of your Managers, Supervisors and Valued Employees. Their skill in applying their "Emotional Intelligence" will affect their relationships with "your" clients, customers, suppliers, executives, managers and co-workers.
"Emotional Intelligence" is not just a buzz-word, it is an absolutely essential management tool.
Here are some of the hidden benefits: An "Emotionally Intelligent" Manager or Supervisor is observant and is sensitive to the wants and need of his/her direct reports and:
Creates more Trust, Respect & Recognition in the workplace
Motivates his/her Employees
Encourages better Teamwork
"Emotional Intelligence" is a strength that is indispensable in any manager's tool kit.
To read the whole article go HERE.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Luciano Pavarotti 1935 - 2007
This week we mourn the passing of Luciano Pavarotti.
As happens, I had just finished reading the book his manager wrote about their years together -- Herbert Breslin's "The King and I."
Coming to mind particularly at this time was the reason Breslin was hired. Someone told Pavarotti that he was such a nice guy, he needed a mean manager.
Breslin, like most publicists at that time (he was publicist first, later manager), asked for a retainer. He said no one ever paid it. How surprised he was when the checks from Pavarotti arrived every month, like clockwork.
Breslin also admits, somewhat begrudgingly, what all of us in public relations know - you can only promote what is promotable.
Surely there will not be another Pavarotti in our lifetimes.
The cartoons register the pulse of the world as we mourn the death of Pavarotti. One of them shows St. Peter welcoming Pavarotti to the Pearly Gates, phoning in, "Tell Caruso to take the night off."
Was he the greatest of all tenors? If he was to you, that is what matters.
Another shows the King of the High Cs, then mainstream, then beyond. He thrilled the crowd early on with 9 high Cs in one aria (Mes Amis), and went on from there.
Not only did Pavarotti have the voice of the century, he was eminently promotable as a person - charming, willing to meet the public that supported him, gracious about critics, generous regarding other artists. You can read some quotes about him, and from him at www.susandunn.cc/pavarottiquotes.htm .
Breslin quotes him as saying, "We are all eating off the same pig," quite often. Yes, he loved his food -- a fitting analogy -- but he also had that sense that we are all in this together. He said the critics had a right to criticize, he praised other artists, and he moved willingly in to the "mainstream." What this has meant to the world of opera, we have only begun to see.
It should be noted that no opera singer can make a good living doing operas alone, and Breslin enumerates the reasons. The lifetime of the voice, at its prime, is limited. They are not paid for weeks of rehearsal time (which, admittedly, Pavarotti didn't always bother with). There is transportation (in his case of a whole retinue, and also his favorite foods and wine - Lambrusco!). There are limited engagements. The money must come from concerts and other things.
One of the things that made Pavarotti great, besides the voice itself -- Breslin said that even after all the years, when he heard the voice, it gave him chills - was his willingness to please his audience. Well, not just please but to thrill. His performances were always sold out.
Before every opera or concert, Pavarotti would say, "I will bring them to their feet." That was his goal. Every time. (He was always very nervous before a performance.) He also said, "I know what the people want. They want Nessun Dorma," and so he sang it for us, over and over.
There is no question that he did more for bringing opera to the masses than any artist, with his late-in- life concerts with artists as varied as James Brown, Mariah Carey and Bono. Criticized for this by some, it remains that he brought the consideration of opera into many minds where it had not been before.
The tributarial videos are pouring onto www.youtube.com, and there you can also find videos of him singing all your favorites. The comments are poignant. "I was raised on his music," writes one viewer. "He is in my very soul." "The voice of god," writes another. Many mention a particular time when they got to see the maestro live, clearly great moments in their lives.
Breslin points out that while Carreras, for instance, was always planning what he would do "after," Pavarotti never was able to. Carreras has done some conducting, some teaching. Pavarotti just wanted to keep on singing.
Somewhere I'm sure he is.
For us here on earth, the silence is defeaning.
My favorite cartoon shows him mouth wide open, arms extended and it says beneath it, "Leaving a huge hole in our world." But perhaps the most eloquent ones are silent -- a single note on a sheet of music...his tux hanging on a hook forming the O in Opera...and the one that shows an empty score entitled "Finis."
I also like the one that shows him ascending on wings. He said in one interview that he dreamed of waking up 60 lbs. lighter and being able to fly.
You can view the cartoons here: http://cagle.com/news/Pavarotti.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
HONESTY: The First Step to Happiness (guest article)
The cornerstone of emotional intelligence is self-awareness, which applies to awareness of your emotions. "We are our emotions." Authenticity is one of the competencies. Being honest about your emotional state can be hard ... take The EQ Course to develop your emotional intelligence.
I apologize for the grammatical and spelling errors in the article. They are not mine!
Today's guest article:
Honesty is the first and most basic step to being happiy [sic] and healthy. It is not a surprise that it is teh [sic] first step in the 12-steps as well. The 12-steps are not just for addicts or people who believe in God. As a clinician I have developed an appreciation for how simply enacting the spiritual principles of the 12-Steps can drastically improve anxiety, depression, anger and addiction. Spirituality is more than just religion, it is a way of life. These principles are present in every religion, and are helpful even for those who are not religious. Let’s take a look...
Honesty. The first step in being happy is to be honest, not only with others, but also yourself. This means developing a strong awareness of self, what you like and need, what you truly can control, and your feelings and what they mean.
Many people who are depressed, anxious or addicted fail to realize the real reasons for their misery. They see the immediate answer---what triggered the negativity this time. What they fail to realize is that their fears and/or anger is usually all related to one or more deeper causes.
Humans have six basic fears: isolation, failure, rejection, loss of control, death and the unknown. When you get angry or anxious, ask yourself which of these fears you are experiencing, why you fear it and how rational that is.
For example, you may be nervous going in for a job interview---fear of rejection, failure, the unknown. Okay, they may not hire you (rejection from the employer), but are you also fearing rejection by someone else? Does failure to get this job mean you are letting someone else down such as a parent or spouse? Aside from the fact that you did not get the job, do you really care if the prospective employer liked you? In reality, does this change the way your loved ones feel about you? Yes, you would prefer to get the job, but if you do not is it really that much of a catastrophe?
Another part of honesty is being aware of how you contribute to your own misery. Do you fail to take responsibility for your actions and blame others, look for the easy answers or might you be intentionally making yourself miserable. Intentionally? Yes! Maybe not consciously, but there are many people who inadvertently sabotage their recovery, because being miserable is so rewarding. When you are depressed, wrought with anxiety or in your addiction, people pay attention to you, overlook/make excuses for errors and it gives you a built in excuse for failure. Many people are afraid of failure because they see failing at any task means failing as a person and/or they equate failure with rejection. Both of these are basic and powerful (though not always rational) fears.
To start to develop self-awareness, keep a journal in the morning and evening. It only takes a few minutes. Ask yourself, how do I feel emotionally (happy, sad, grumpy, lonely, resentful etc…), mentally (confused, sharp, creative, foggy…) and physically (sick, weak, lethargic, strong, energetic etc). [We suggest The EQ Checkin(tm) - Ask yourself h you are feeling emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.] Then identify why you feel that way, what you can do to change the negative things, and what you have no control over. This is your journal, you do not even need to write in full sentences, just pay attention. In the evening, repeat the exercise to see if you are feeling better, if your interventions are working or if you need to do something differently.
Some things you can do to help yourself out include asking yourself:
“Will this matter 6 months from now?”
“Does worrying/being angry or regretful about this help me in any way? How could I better use my energy to do something about the problem?"
“Is this worth the negative impact it is having on me and my family?”
“What parts of this do I have control over?”
“What does this mean about me as a person?”
“Realistically, what are the consequences of this?”
If you are tired, confused or “foggy” figure out why. Sometimes it is the easy answer---you did not get enough quality sleep. To fix this, set a wind-down routine. This will cue your body into when to go to sleep. Secondly, eliminate caffeine within 12 hours of bedtime. This includes soda, coffee and lots of chocolate. Set up your bedroom to be comfortable for you to sleep---clean, smells good, dark, quiet etc.
Often times, people are actually getting too much sleep or their sleep is fitful because of all the stress their muscles are holding. If you are getting 6 to 8 hours of sleep, try adding some physical activity—walking the dog, gardening, walking around the block during your lunch break, yoga, tai chi. . .whatever you are willing to regularly do for at least 20 minutes every day.
A third thing to evaluate is your diet. Too much sugar, caffeine or not enough water can cause confusion, tiredness, depression, irritability, difficulty regulating your body temperature and poor sleep. Make sure you are not dehydrated. If you do not like water, try lemonade, flavored water. Just try to forego the carbonation and drinks with caffeine or alcohol---both of which will make you dehydrated.
All of these things: awareness of how you feel emotionally, mentally, physically; awareness of what you have control over and what your body’s signals are trying to tell you will help you feel happier and more content. It takes practice to learn to pick your battles and accept you are not in control of everything, but once you do, you will see how much it not only improves how you feel, but also how much it improves your health and relationships.
This article is part of a 12 part series on integrating the 12-steps into a healthy life.
About the Author: Dr. Dawn Snipes received her Masters in Rehabilitation Counseling and Addictions and her PhD in Counseling and Education from the University of Florida. She is an ordained Christian minister . Currently she runs two online continuing education sites (http://www.allceus.com), continuing education for rehabilitation counselors, addictions professionals, social workers and engineers (http://www.engineeringceus.com) and has a part-time private practice.
Susan is the author of "EQ & Addiction: the 14th Step" and offers individual coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional development. Contact firstname.lastname@example.org for more information.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
che mi sone dedicato."
"I think that a life dedicated to music is a life well spent, and this is
what I have devoted my life to."
many furtivas Lagrimas on my face... Luciano is my favorite of all times. You will remain alive in our memories and hearts. Viva Luciano
Rest in peace voice of the god :(
he is singing on heaven now
The silence is deafening.
Good night sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. And he will be with the angels now.
Rest in peace.
Vortex Pharmaceuticals in Boston is looking for a contract recruiter (Contract Recruiter - Jobs in Recruiting & HR - ERE) and look at one of the qualifications:
Partner with hiring manager and the interview team to identify and establish roles in the interview and selection process, including technical, behavioral and Emotional Intelligence interviewing.
And one of the requirements for the job:
Experience and political savvy working with different levels within the organization.
To increase your own emotional intelligence, take The EQ Course. It looks good on your resume.
To get your certification in EQ coaching (training), mailto:email@example.com for more information.
Developing your EQ -- its the emotionally intelligent thing to do!
Ah, the changing of the seasons. It's time to start preparing for the holidays coming up. Cut some firewood for the fireplace. Put away the bathing suits and get out the heavy coats.
We have a sense of bringing in the harvest, settling in, maybe lining up some good books to read for the winter. Preparing to get a little cozy, maybe a little wistful ... for things we can't really name ... it's that time of year. This may be part of the collective consciousness, as our ancestors eons ago watched the sun appearing to disappear and could only hope it would return and bring the spring. We have science to tell us that it will, and recorded history. They had myths to explain the event, Persephone going back to the Underworld, and Ceres mourning.
Changes on earth heralded by changes in the sky coming up this month ...
The Autumnal Equinox is coming up later this month in the northern hemisphere, marking the beginning of fall. September 23 at 5:51 a.m. EDT. Near equal day and night.
And how can you miss the Harvest Moon, September 26. It will rise about 30 mins after sunset, instead of 50 mins after sunset, and appears luminous in the sky as the moon is closest to us (perigee) on Setptember 27, at a distance of only 223,330 miles.
Take pleasure in the beauty of nature around you every day.
"I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.
From What a Wonderful World by George David Weiss and Bob Thiele, recorded by Louis Armstrong in 1968
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
What's the #1 thing employees want? All studies say "acknowledgement and appreciation."
This article "Operation Employee Loyalty: 12 Ways Small Business Owners Can Ensure Their Best Employees Never Want to Leave" is so full of emotional intelligence.
Here are a few of Freyvogel's gems:
Every entrepreneur knows the hectic lifestyle that comes along with starting and running a company. (Heck, most of us live for the craziness!) But have you ever considered how this work schedule affects your employees?
If too many such days come and go without any acknowledgement from you, you can bet they’ll be handing out their resumes all over town. And since your employees make or break your business, you must keep your best ones around.
Small business owners may feel that they are at a disadvantage compared to CEOs of large corporations precisely because of the lack of deep pockets. Nothing is further from the truth. Because they work so closely with their employees, rather than being separated by layers of bureaucracy, it is easy for them to get to know their employees well.
Provide them with much-deserved time off.
Another option is to set up a compressed work week for your staff so that they get time off at the end of the week.
Give them bonuses at critical times. Presumably, you work closely with your employees and know a lot about their lives outside of the work. Act on this knowledge in ways that benefit them exactly when they need it most. If one of your employees has a new baby or a sick spouse or child, a bonus will help ease the financial burden during these times. She will appreciate your concern for her and her family’s well being.
Constantly recognize a job well done. Everyone likes to be told they've done a good job on something.
Read the full article here: Operation Employee Loyalty: Twelve Ways Small Business Owners Can Ensure Their Best Employees Never Want To Leave CustomerThink
Learn more about emotional intelligence with The EQ Course.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
or how to handle difficult people
and for all the present semicolons.
A. Why not? All one place.
5. Q. Slip 20. Nuri, Emir of the Ruwalla, belongs tro the 'chief family of the Rualla.' On Slip 23, "Rualla horse', and Slip 38, 'killed one Rueli'. In all later slips "Rualla'.
A. Should have also used Ruwala and Ruala.
A. She was a splendid beast.
A. Immorality I know. Immortality I cannot judge. As you please: Meleager will not sue us for libel.
A. Also Lurens and Runs: not to mention 'Shaw'. More to follow if time permits.
A. Good egg. I call this really ingenious.