Friday, January 26, 2007

First Day on the New Job: Emotional Intelligence

Gone to Chicago for the week on business. Blog will resume when I return.

Can't wait to see my home town again. Hope there are snow flurries. Plan to see Fledermaus at the Lyric, eat a Loyds, stay at the Palmer House (OK, HILTON). I'm excited and in a special kind of way, because this is going home to me. Today's blog recommendation talks about this sort of thing - or rather the great discomfort we feel when we are going somewhere totally new - including a new job.

Check it out: "Your First Day on the Job"

Most of us have had two or more "first days on the new job" and know that it can be hell. Why then, asks our blogger, don't others try and make it more amenable?


It can set the tone for the the rest of the engagement so to speak.

He answers his own question, with a bit of the self-awareness we get from emotional intelligence: "I can only think that it must be the result of the general lack of emotional intelligence that one sees in the average IT workplace, combined with the poor standard of management that seems a ubiquitous feature of corporate environments ..."

Self-awareness -- because we moved a lot when I was a kid (for good reasons, at least for my parents), I've always had a soft spot for the "new kid on the block." When I worked in an office, I was usually the one to look after the new person - unofficially of course. I made sure they knew where the bathroom and coffee were, and supplies; offered to help when I saw them looking lost; asked them for lunch early on.

During my years in offices I had good and bad experiences in this respect. I know that when I was introduced properly to the others, my early weeks in the new place were a delight, and it bore fruit in the long-term.

We - human beings - are naturally xenophobic. We do not like strangers. Underneath, we fear them. It's natural. And I'm afraid it's exacerbated by the things we hear in the media. Nevertheless, it's EQ, and it's civilized behavior, and etiquette, to do what you can to make the new person feel AT HOME.

Just say "yes." Hazing and hell week belong on the college campus, for youngsters (whose neocortexes are not fully yet developed - or their EQ).

It's the decent thing to do, and it's emotionally intelligent!

Friday, January 19, 2007

Emotional Intelligence ... when there isn't much around you


Well, it's that time of year again. Many people are feeling very low right now. Low energy, low spirits. In the northern hemisphere, gray skies, SAD, seasonal affective disorder, the winter blues, the after-Christmas blues ... and Valentine's Day looming on the horizon. (Incidentally, I've written a lot about Valentine's - it's really more apt to elicit hostility, and it's a very 'emotional' time for everyone.

For the more resilient, it's just a time to hibernate. Introverts do better at this. Read a good book, listen to music, sleep, nap, rest, get massages, go to the spa. It's not the greatest time for "people."

For the extraverts, it's harder. They need people to bring them up, and finding people who are 'up' right now isn't that easy.

So what do you do? As always, goes with it, don't fight it. Then it will flow on through. Be how you are. It will change. That you can count on!

Practice the components of emotional intelligence. One of them is empathy - and that means reading the global temperature as well. If everyone who's called you on the phone has been crabby, guess what? (It isn't you!)

If no one you've encountered has anything more than a plastic smile right now, quit looking outside, and go inside. Do something you enjoy.

If you've been pecking around the office looking for someone to perk you up, and haven't found any, just get busy doing something you enjoy. You are more likely right now to run into negative and depressed people. Surround yourself with things you enjoy. Kids are great too. They are always ready to play.

If you are one of the ones with sunshine to share, by all means do! At last avoid getting into those downwardly spirallyin conversations where we start sharing all the negatives. Think of something positive to say -- and say it!

Be kinder than you need to be.

Remember too, the benefits of gratitude. Like the woman below, there's always something to be grateful for. Find it...and share it.

Call for a coaching pep-talk. That's one of the roles I fill for clients.



There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror,and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today?"

So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.

"H-M-M," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today?"

So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.

"Well," she said, "today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail."

So she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.

"YEA!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Attitude is everything.

Be kinder than necessary,
for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Live simply,

Love generously,

Care deeply,

Speak kindly.......

Thanks to Julie for this one ... who is fighting some battles of her own.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Marketing with Emotional Intelligence


Seth Godin is a great marketer and I think he uses a lot of emotional intelligence in his approach. I've read his book and I liked what I read.

On his blog he writes about The Glass House in Denver and its marketing. It's called "the $140 million permission project."

He writes about what Chris did to market The Glass House. Now if you went to their website, you see something different right away. It begins with a beautiful quote: "It was as though he had cut up the sky, melted down a flower garden, tossed in some jewels and made it into glass." (hugh mc kean)

You see how it appeals to our emotions right away.

The next screen has a quote about giving up driving, that life is sweeter at 5 mph.

According to Godin's blog Chris marketed the project in an unusual way.

He put up signs at the construction site directing people to a website where they showed a slide show of the benefits. Like a person sitting in a pool looking happy and relaxes, not just an architectural drawing of a pool.

They signed people up to get on a list to learn more "benefits." They eventually got 5,000 people signed up, and it had been by our favorite form of marketing -- word of mouth!

Then this is unusual and a neat idea. They invited people over for a drink, so to speak. They had about 45 cocktail parties for those people, a small group at a time, like 15, at a restaurant in the neighborhood. They didn't bring any materials, they just visited with them, talked, answered questions, and talked about things they were interested in.

It's interesting to read about this emotionally intelligent approach. Read about it on the blog here.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Emotional Intelligence

Appearing today on the Let's Celebrate National Women's History Month By Women's-Interests by: Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach This year's theme is "Women Pioneering the Future". According to the National Women's History Project, this includes both pioneering women from US history, who led and won struggles for equality and civil ... Read the full article

Monday, January 15, 2007

Sweet Revenge and Emotional Intelligence

It's on the Socially Responsible Business Forum today - WANTED: EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT LEADERSHIP
Posted by John Schneider
He refers to "Sweet Revenge," this week's BusinessWeek cover story.
Those of us who lived in San Antonio TX are perhaps more aware of this than others (because of the story surrounding the disappearance of Heidi). I don't know the outcome or that her abductor has ever been convicted. There is also the story of "Othello." There is nothing new under the sun.
According to the blog:
‘Sweet Revenge’ provides an interesting look at how endemic revenge is in the
marketplace. It also highlights the steps that corporate managers will take to
avenge a perceived wrong.

While the article points out the positive
aspects of revenge on executive behavior (come-backs, business start-ups,
whistle blowing), the article neglects to mention the collateral damage that
usually accompanies these moves.

When it comes to socially responsible
business management, emotional intelligence not only leads to better business
decisions, but better workplaces as well. As noted in the soon to be released
book Firms of Endearment, companies with a high number of emotionally
intelligent employees are not only more ethical, but show a stronger bottom line
compared to other companies
. While revenge may be sweet, it is often
counterproductive to the values embodied by socially responsible business and
causes more harm than good.
Did that need to be said?
We recommend for your career that you get our "Emotional Intelligence in the Workplace" certificate on your resume. for more information.
It can only advance your career. One of the trends is that employers will be hiring for emotional intelligence. Interviewers are starting to be trained to look for it, and until this is perfected, you're at the mercy of the uninformed. You need to know how to show what they're looking for when they don't know how to ask for it.
This certificatation program will also inform you what to look for in the workplace, co-workers and management you're considering. And we recommend the EQ program for management. A high EQ workplace does better in all respects.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Emotional Intelligence on the Blogs


Nurturing talent By subbaiyer We need to assess not only intellectual skills, but also softer skills such as emotional intelligence, values, creativity, the ability to work in teams, to think out of the box, entrepreneurial abilities, and also, importantly, ...Serendipitous moments -

The Marshmallow ExperimentBy Shining Starz(Shining Starz) The details of the entire experiment can be found in Daniel Goleman's book entitled "Emotional Intelligence". What happened was that during the experiment, Walter Mischel and his researchers gathered a group of four-year olds in a room. ...Shining Starz -

Your EQ is 147 What Emotional IQ do you have? ...By Kirsten N. Namskau(Kirsten N. Namskau) 71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely. 91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed ... What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?Kirsten Namskau's blogg -

It pays to be niceBy sean371 The best and the brightest organizations understand the significance of Emotional Intelligence. Companies that do not recognize doing business with a good attitude as an important part of thier business strategy will fail, especially if ...Attwood's Blog -

Leadership Case Study in Common SenseBy Evaluation of consequences, emotional intelligence, experience, and intuition. And most of all, good old-fashioned common sense. I’ve hired excellent people – perhaps I should listen to their ideas? I’ve espoused a policy that sounds ...The Recovering Leader -

Emotional Intelligence


Writing this from Dallas, Texas one of the ragweed hotspots of the nation, I'm particularly aware of "allergies" and the havoc they can cause. Here are some tips for handling allergies:

1. Ragweed pollen is probably the largest single seasonal allergen in North America.

It is estimated that a square mile of ragweed plants would release 16 tons of pollen in one season. Even skin contact with ragweed can cause dermatitis.

2. If you know before airborne allergies get worse in your town, you can prepare.

At this site you can sign up to be alerted in the morning of conditions likely to exceed a trigger point, the point where most allergy sufferers will start to experience symptoms.

3. More than 50 million Americans suffer from Allergies.

4. An allergy is...

... "a heightened sensitivity to a foreign substance (called an allergen) which causes the body's defense system (the immune system) to overreact when defending itself. Normally, the immune system would only react if a harmful substance, such as a bacteria, attacks the body. For people with allergies, their own immune system is working too hard, and it reacts even when relatively harmless substances such as pollen are present. The severity of an allergic reaction can vary from mild discomfort to life threatening situations." [Source:]

5. Probably 25% of your website visitors suffer from allergies.

Here - - you can get the html to put a pollen alert box on your website - either a zip code entry box or for any town in the U.S.

6. The most extreme allergic reaction is called "anaphylactic shock."

Immediately after contact the individual will suffer difficulty breathing, itchiness, welling of the lips and throat, and drop in blood pressure, and finally collapse. If you've ever suffered anaphylactic shock, you should carry injectable adrenaline from your doctor and keep some at home as well. Have the 911 number handy, and seek medical attention immediately.

7. Subsequent contact with a particular allergen can be much worse than the first time, for instance if you've been stung by a bee.

That's why people sometimes say, "And then all of a sudden ..." Ive heard people mention this about combining beer and shell fish one day, and ending up in the ER.

8. Coming into contact with products containing normally innocent foodstuffs such as peanuts can actually kill susceptible people. One way to determine what you're allergic to is to see your personal physician and get an allergy test.

9. Allergic conditions include: (1) Hay fever and allergic asthma.

Pollen from grasses, ragweed and trees, mold wne dust can all cause respiratory and nasal problems. (2) Eczema. A special form of skin reaction. Cement dust is particularly likely to cause this. (3) Urticaria (itchy hives). Most of us get this from nettles. You can also get this from strawberries, seafood, cheese; it depends.

10. Once the allergy is established, you must remove the cause or avoid it. Here are some tips:

a. Wear hypoallergenic gloves;
b. Use a filter in the vacuum cleaner to remove dust mite droppings and an air filter on your A/C which you clean often. Also clean the ducts;
c. Remove heavy drapes and bedspreads from the bedroom and replace with blinds and tile or wood flooring with

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Is Blink about Intuition?

BigNosedUglyGuy (BNUG) (I don't know who he is) blogs about Gladwell, Enron, Blink, and rapid cognition ... which may or may not be "intuition." BNUG is confused about just what intuition is. He refers to Thomas Gladwell's article, "Open Secrets: Enron, Intelligence and the Perils of too much Information in the New Yorker.
Gladwell wrote Blink: The Power of Thinking without Thinking, which has been particularly popular with analytical, rational types; people who must make something difficult. Sort of the Protestan ethic of thinking -- if you don't have to sweat over a spreadsheet for 3 hours, you don't have the answer type of thing. High IQ and suspicious of "emotion" for some reason.
Well, intuition has gotten "bad press" for a long time' for decades it was married to the word "female." Women are better at it because their brains conduct emotion better, and there's quicker and better communication between both hemispheres of the neocortex. (See Essential Difference; Truth about Male & Female Brain) Men's are better at other things ... besides if you're unhappy with the state of your emotional intelligence (which includes intuition) find out where (take the EQ Map) and then come learn more. EQ, unlike IQ, can be improved upon.
Gladwell talks about "rapid cognition", the kind of thinking that happens in the blink of an eye. It is fast, immediate, and spot-on. Therefore heavy-thinkers who rely excessively on reason and logic are annoyed by it, as well as mystified. (And Gladwell gives some fascinating examples!) It happens to be essential for making good decisions, of the most important type (like whom to trust, and whom to marry and 'when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em' and whether that Van Gogh is a fake or not) . It's why we find 150-IQ geniuses whose private lives are in shambles. But "blink" puts it up in the eyes and smacks of 'neocortex" (cognition, doh) while it's really in the gut ... read about the vagus nerve. After all, our heads can lie to us, our gut cannot. Why else do you get a headache every time you have to deal with that ignoramus down in the IT department?
Our blogger says "When you meet someone for the first time, or walk into a house you are thinking of buying, or read the first few sentences of a book, your mind takes about two seconds to jump to a series of conclusions."
Actually what happens is you get a feeling that cirumvents the deceptive neocortex completely, which is why it's so spot-on!

It's a gut feeling and we use sensory words to describe it - it stinks, something was fishy, she's like a warm bath, I walked in there and it felt like 'home,' my hair stood on end, he made me sick to my stomach, she gave me butterflies in my stomach ... that kind of thing. It's when a man says, "I knew the minute I met her that I would marry her."
What's rational about that?
BNUG says "You could also say that it’s a book about intuition, except that I don’t like that word. In fact it never appears in 'Blink.' (Oh thank heavens?) (and isn't that like saying you don't like the word "gravity"?)
Well, we need all the information we can get about how the brain works, and how to make the most important decisions. I, like BNUG, am fascinated with the subject too, because I teach it.
Everyone has intuition; it can always be developed. It is essential to our safety. It is also not dependent on "cognition" or the neocortex. Like the dog sensing the earthquake coming, those sensient people who know their "gut feelings" are the most likely to sense something's wrong in a nuclear plant (a funny sound, a change in temperature .. yes, it is about change). They also know how to pick a winner - at the racetrack or in the stock market. If rational study and analysis were the answer, we'd all be rich in the stock market which is, after all, the most emotional thing on earth. (Though men don't like to admit it.)
If you cannot get in touch with (note the wording) gut feelings, you'll be standing there reading the chart that says everything's okay when the nuclear reactor blows. Horses in a burning stable have more "sense" than that!
There are different definitions of intuition. (See my ebook on "Intuition") Different levels. One is the sensory level. Think of how a dog stays live - they share the limbic brain with us humans, but they have no neocortex and they cannot think. There are no "rapid cognitions." If your dog doesn't "like" someone, it is (1) not rational and (2) something you'd best pay attention to. Yes? Same with kids. The neocortex, the thinking brain, isn't fully developed for years ... and kids have to go on the instincts they were born with. The ones that keep us alive.
A definition the more intellectual types prefer is that is comes from experience. Yes, I've had people ask me on coaching calls, "How did you know that?" like I was pulling rabbits out of a hat? "How did you know I was the first-born?" or "How did you know my mother was mentally unstable/alcoholic/on drugs?" or "How do you know my husband is critical?"
From years of experience. Things kick in for me. I've heard how the pieces go together, over and over, and while each person is unique, certain patterns present themselves repeatedly, and certain causes tend to bring on certain effects. After a while you can read backward from the effect, which is a sort of intuition. My job is to untangle mis-wired connections and reprogram them, so I know a lot about it. And I coach over the phone. I don't even need to see the person. Years and years of experience with people, clinical data, in the trenches sort of thing. (No I can't read someone's mind ... in fact you're in big trouble if you think you can, but I can sense things.)
That's why I wouldn't go to a surgeon, or coach, or stock broker who wasn't over the age of 40. Book learning can't get to the core of things. On the most important things, the data always runs out. You have to have emotional intelligence to take you over those leaps. When the coin's in the air spinning, you can't take out a probability chart. It would say 50-50, yes?
How do you know when to trust your intuition? How do you know if those snap judgments are right? Well, your intuition will tell you ... and if that isn't a Catch-22. (Work with an EQ coach and learn about it ... it can be learned.)
BNUG writes, "I'm tryng to understand those two seconds. What is going on inside our heads when we engage in rapid cognition? When are snap judgments good and when are they not?" And THATt is the crucial thing to know. "Alpha males" get into a lot of trouble because they make snap intellectual judgments about people. That works with data; it does not work with people. You must judge people ultimately, in the ways that matter, from a "gut feeling." Alpha males - and most CEOs and professionals are that - are notorious for (1) not believing anyone who doesn't have a Ph.D. in the field, and thereby missing the clear common sense the secretary knows, and everyone else knows...except for the CEO; and (2) allowing a person one mistake, and that's it. They can never recover, redeem, grow or learn. What a waste of people.
Those sorts of "snap judgments" are really harmful.
The "snap judgements" that work? She blew it on her first assignment, but I "know" her (this is intuition). And then you roll it out (smart people learn how to rationalize intuition for those who don't "believe" in it) - I trust her (she comes to work on time, she doesn't lie when she makes a mistake, she bakes us cookies). She is eager to learn (she's always reading something, she enters conversations outside her 'area' and wants to learn). She can learn (I've never seen her make the same mistake twice).
There are all sorts of signals "below the surface" to the purely neocortex-type that give a plethora of information you really need to know, to tune in to, to make things work. You have to be able to 'read between the lines,' to 'see the handwriting on the wall,' to 'call a spade a spade.'
Our blogger asks, "What kinds of things can we do to make our powers of rapid cognition better?” Answer: EQ coaching. It can be learned. It can be taught.
"How do you know when you have good intuition?" BNUG queries. There's really no such thing as "bad" intuition ... because that isn't intuition at all, it's something else. Fantasy, wishful thinking, etc.

Can Happiness Be Learned?

Declared by a scientist in the UK

Does this have to apply to you? With emotional intelligence you can create your own happiness. Can happiness be learned? It's not a light question.

The answer is a resounding yes - I see it happen all the time when I coach emotional intelligence.

It's even moving into the college classroom (at last!)

From an article in the New York Times:

[The write attended a class called the Science of Well-Being] "...essentially a class in how to make yourself happier — at George Mason University in Fairfax, Va. George Mason is a challenge for positive psychologists because it is one of the 15 unhappiest campuses in America, at least per The Princeton Review. Many students are married and already working and commute to school. It’s a place where you go to move your career forward, not to find yourself."

The class is taught by a professor whose area of research is “curiosity and well-being.” According to the article, the course covers such emotional intelligence components as optimism, gratitude, mindfulness, hope, and spirituality. It also emphasizes the difference between meaningful and authentic happiness, and "the hedonistic treadmill."

Typical of the suspicion many have regarding anything "emotional," the syllabus makes it clear that "every topic ... [will be approached] as scientists” and, like in my emotional intelligence certification program, the assigned readings are academic, but the "classroom" exercises are not.

Optimism is the facilitator of all the emotional intelligence components. It can increase your lifespan up to 10 years (as big a 'significance' as smoking or not-smoking) and if you've got your EQ going, you'll add ... and 10 years you'll want to live because you are happy.

Read the article here.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Get Emotional Intelligence Certification on Your Resume for Career Success

email me for information on my program and receive an Emotional Intelligence certificate.
You'll be way ahead of the game in all the ways that count. This is something that will really open doors to you.

Article appearing on the talks about "trends to embrace and watch out for" in terms of career intelligence. The author, Barbara Moses, lauds coaching, and pegs some big trends.

"Ironically, while organizations talk about the need for broad knowledge, emotional intelligence and the ability to solve complex human problems, they ignore people who don't have specialized degrees. But these general degrees have taught them critical thinking skills -- the very skills that organizations are in search of."

Much of what she talks about could be lumped under "multicultural" - she mentions the generations trying to blend, but it's cosmopoliltan and global on top of that. Having a business lunch in the Renaissance Tower in downtown Dallas today, I heard as many accents as I hear in the dining room of the Royal Caribbean cruise ship where I've often been a speaker.

The cruise ships hire for diversity. It would appear that everyone has it now, whether intentional or not and how are you going to get along and get the project moving??

Clips from the article. EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE training helps with every single one of these and is the underlying theme.

  • management training
  • the important of 'softer' skills such as emotional intelligence
  • Coaching -- caveat emptor. Everyone wants a coach but check out the coach's credentials. I agree (and feel free to check out mine.) IVery important to check credentials in an unregulated field such as coaching. I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and a liberal arts background combined with many years experience in the work world.
  • succession planning
  • young people without specialized degrees are having difficulty finding work, and many older workers are still experiencing age discrimination
  • Intergenerational tensions (this is a BIG one and you can only fathom solutions if you have high EQ
  • older workers bemoan the lack of work ethic among younger workers
  • Young workers want "old" workers out of their way and call the "workaholics"
  • In Canada, non-mandatory retirement means "many older workers will choose to stay on in the workplace for both financial and psychological reasons -- leading to continuing frustration among younger workers eyeing those plum opportunities up the ladder."
  • Diversity broadens its meaning. No longer women, visible minorities, those with disabilities and gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered people, but ... diversity of age, life situations, personality and motivation. In other words, diversity reflects all differences.
  • direction of diversity is changing. Emphasis is on inclusiveness.
  • forget balance - you can have it all, but not all at once
  • Leadership development - and this is NOT "management." Both are needed.
  • younger workers catapulted into management positions with little basic training. (Great opportunity for coaching)
  • work that has meaning
  • people are defining success in highly personal terms.
  • promotion for the wrong reason (demoralizing)
  • authenticity reigns. People want to be able to express who they are in their work, and not have to adopt a corporate persona. This means that if they feel they have to compromise their values or repress their personality, they will look for another employer that represents a better fit.
  • The employee brand/experience
    Organizations are turning their attention to building their employee brand, recognizing that they can't build a successful external brand for clients if it's not consistent with how internal staff experiences the company.
  • The brand represents the personality of the organization whether that be flexibility, family friendliness, or challenging opportunities.
  • midlife renewal (a big area in which I coach - I say "60 is the new 40" and I love coaching midlifers in transition - work and dating)
Read the article HERE.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Ask an EQ Coach a Question for Free

Where we're appearing this week! Nancy Fenn, TheIntrovertzCoach

Can Money Buy Happiness?


In studying resilience and the sweet uses of adversity, and listening to coaching clients, I discover the same things over and over again. After a given point in time, the person acknowledges that a lot of good things have come from their adversities.

Mind you it isnt a guarantee that youll reach this resolution, but many people do end up being not only what they call better people, but also happier by their self-report and by my observations.

There's an interesting study done by Ronnie Janoff-Bulman, PhD, a psychologist at the University of Massachusetts. He compares the well-being of lottery winners versus people who had become suddenly paralyzed.

The results of the study were that after the initial high was over for the lottery winners, they were no happier than the accident victims.

Read the rest of the article HERE.

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Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Kidd Files for Divorce Claiming Cruelty - Anger Management is NOT ENOUGH

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE LACKING IN A SPOUSE - everyone's worse nightmare. Jason Kidd and Joumana.

When you read about the problems of Joumana and Jason Kidd, doesn't it give you the same feeling as "Fatal Attraction". It's the thing we fear the most, a spouse who is out-of-control.

In the papers filed in state Superior Court in Bergen County, Jason Kidd accuses Joumana Kidd of "physically and mentally abusing him, threatening to make false domestic violence complaints against him to police, and of interfering with his relationship with his children."

"The defendant's extreme and unwarranted jealousy and rage has left the plaintiff concerned about her emotional stability," the papers say. Read the rest of the article HERE.

It's sickening. Imagine what it's like for their children. Jason was ordered to take anger management after Joumana reported him once for abuse (and if you read what's written, it's possible she was setting hi up).

Anger management is not enough. It isn't just about anger, it's about emotional intelligence.

My "Anger Management through Emotional Intelligence" is a real landmark in a sea of "product" with debatable value that's also hard to assess. Are the same people offering "anger management" that offer "notary training" in California, and "defensive driving" all over the US - because it's court-ordered and easy money? And because judges are judges and are quick to say, as one did recently, "I'm a judge. I don't know physics." SOmehow this "anger management" got started. Does the teacher have credentials in psychology and coaching, and years of experience with actual people?

Anger is not, frankly, what it's about, as you can see. My program was constructed from years of work with people in the trenches. It is clinically based, and I have a degree in clinical psychology.

It's common for a person who feels (without being mindful of it) out-of-control, to marry someone who appears to be quite IN control. (Opposites attract). Someone like Jason Kidd, for instance, who says it's not going to affect his game, that's his job. Because there's no response from the "in control" one, the "out of control" one amps it up. The other one shuts down further. The game is on, and it's a very ugly one. And there is no winner, as we see here. It is a tragedy.

Violence and abuse occur because of a lack of emotional intelligence. The anger can be "hot" or it can be "cold"; it can be from depression, fear, and for heaven's sake, people also go bonkers when excited. If 90% of the people who win the lottery are bankrupt 5 years later, even beyond the winnings' interest, what does that tell you?

Our hearts are saddened when we read something like the Kidds' problems. And for all the superstars whose troubled relationships make the headlines, there are hundreds of thousands of "just folks" in the same sitaution, and emotionally unintelligent nightmare. The divorce rate is over 50%. It is higher for 2nd marriages and higher STILL for third marriages. "Hope springs eternal," but without emotional intelligence intervention, it is sterile hope, as the statistics confirm.

EQ makes or breaks your life. I'm thinking of a former client of mine, who was 49 at the time his second wife, 24 years old, pulled up to the parking lot at his work, screamed, threw things at him, and kicked him in front of his colleagues and employees. He owns the company and employs over 200 people, makes well into 7 figures, has a Ph.D. in engineering, has top security clearance from the US of A, and has made some of the - frankly - stupidest decisions in his private life that you can imagine. His first wife used to physically abuse him. He was 6'4" tall and weighed 250 lbs. and she was 5'1" tall and weighed 105 lbs.

EQ. It makes or breaks your life and, sadly, the lives of many children are involved, as with the Kidds' children. My heart goes out to all concerned. If the judge is going to grant joint custody, which was requested, I would like to see him order both of them to take not "anger management," but an emotional intelligence course.

Vendetta! Sangue! say Verdi's arias. And "vengeance is a dish best served cold" says Shakespeare. It goes on and on, and is really terrifying, and "anger" is the least of it.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Do we say I'M SORRY too much?

I'll apologize when ...


Making the rounds, an article on BBC called SORRY TO SAY.

It's getting blogged a lot, so thought I would join in.

It's talking about the custom of saying "I'm sorry" in the UK, which the article thinks is over-used.

Unfortunately they quote one Mark Tyrrell, who they describe as "a psychotherapist at Uncommon Knowledge, a group that promotes personal development and emotional intelligence" but the paragraph runs together, in Brit fashion, so reads like this ... "For Mark Tyrrell, a psychotherapist at Uncommon Knowledge, a group that promotes personal development and emotional intelligence, a lingering culture of deference is to blame.

No, emotional intelligence is not "a lingering culture of deference". That's not an appositive! But if the whole sentence isn't quoted, that's what you read and that's unfortunate.

Tyrrell believes, to quote the article: "Saying sorry so much is a deep-rooted British characteristic. The class system is largely to blame, as 'sorry' comes out of politeness, which is there for social cohesion. ..The new middle classes had to apologise for no longer being working class, but also for not really being upper class either. The vast majority of Brits belong to the middle classes so saying sorry has become endemic."

Tyrrell believes we also play games with the s-word, sometimes using it to our advantage.

Sure we do. Kids learn it real quick. I was with a little guy the other day who bopped his sister right in front of me and then turned, saw me, and said, "I'm sorry I'm sorry" as if that made it all OK. Clever little guy!

Sadly ther are grown CEOs, for instance, who think they can berate and castigate someone in public, then say "I'm sorry" and have it all go away. It doesn't work that way. It doesn't work that way with an affair either. Or telling someone you think they're fat or ugly. Some things "I'm sorry" doesn't quite cover.

Now I'm an EQ coach and also coach etiquette and I'm all for those social-greasers: thank you, pardon me, excuse me, I'm sorry, and you're welcome.

One of my pet peeves, however, is watching a parent force a child to give a meaningless, "I'm sorry." Until a child has developed empathy, they have no "I'm sorry" in them, except for the punishment they may be about to receive, and so it is a distortion of their feelings to force them to say, "I'm sorry." They also cut to the chase and learn -- if their parents aren't too EQ-smart -- that they can apologize, then do it again, and it's the apology that counts, not the act. Oops!

Most kids hate to do it and I don't blame them. A parent would be better off ... well, read my ebook, "How to Teach Your Child EQ".

Also, it happens to be one of the emotional intelligence components to be "relentlessly and adamantaly self-forgiving." This isn't the same as being SORRY, that's kind of dwelling on it and on the down side, yes, acting victimy, whiny, etc.

Main thing here - if you develop your EQ you will have far far fewer occasions where the phrase "I'm sorry" must be used (or misused). Myself, I use it almost exclusively when someone tells me of a personal tragedy or misfortune. It is a simple and elegant thing to say, and it is how I feel. When someone tells me, "I lost all my money in the stock market," or "my wife died of cancer," I don't try and make it good, or a lesson, or a character-building thing, or something they should have know better than ... I simply stop and say, "I'm so sorry to hear that" or "I'm sorry that happened to you."

But most of the things where we say "I'm sorry" in the other sense are when we fail to manage our own emotions. We must apologize, and we DO feel sorry, when we yell at someone, insult them, criticize them harshly, and generally act like an idiot ourselves.

The more you develop your EQ, the less you will be acting like an idiot!

Anger is one of the biggest culprits. It is a good way of knowing what you want, and not a good way for getting it. If you manage your anger - take the message that you really want something you aren't getting, or didn't get - then you can control your behavior and shape it in a way that maximized your chance of getting what you want.

Since I'm also a dating coach I see this all the time. The relationship heats up, the man disappears and goes into the cave, and the woman hunts him down and them chews him out. Why? Because she wants him so much and wants him to come back. It drives him further away, and she then will hunt him down to APOLOGIZE.

This step could be skipped! In oh so many ways. Men with high EQ don't get so scared they have to disappear when emotions heat up. And women with high EQ can at least understand if and when they do, when they need that masculine "space," and cut them some slack. But if the confrontation occurs, the man might then be able to realize his part in it ...

I love dating-coaching. It's so great to get couples together and I have a VERY HIGH SUCCESS RATE. I am also Attract Your Dream Mate for a major website. I hear that particular scenario a lot, and it's so great to lead people to what they want!

Well, back to the article. According to the bbc here's where apologies in the UK go:

37% of our use is aimed at partners
19% to strangers
14% to our children
14% to work colleagues
8% to friends
5% to parents
3% to siblings
1% to the boss

Speaking of which, my next ebook is going to be able adult children who are hellbent on getting their senior parents to "apologize" for something they did or didn't do, and feel they cannot get on with their lives until this "apology" is forthcoming.

It's a great source of pain between generations, and there's a better way. Stay tuned!

And why do they say "I'm sorry" so infrequently to their bosses? That's an interesting question.

One last thing about "I'm sorry." I agree with John Wayne. Don't hurt someone unless you mean to. Being "unmindful", "unconscious," and "unaware" is the real culprit. Emotional intelligence starts with SELF-AWARENESS and leads to Intentionality. Want to learn more?

Ask for my Emotional Intelligence Quick-Study - a book of exercise for busy professionals to learn EQ. to order it.

Should I Write a Thank You Note?

See the full article HERE. ALso includes sample 'thank you' notes.

From the happynewsnetwork blog:

Good morning! Just a quick note about this one: the reason I think this is a happy news story is that it is about bloody time somebody began to talk about the much-needed comeback of manners...the way that people act these days is disgusting! We, as a society, need to remember our manners, act more politely, and set a better example for the young ones around us. We bitch and complain about today's youth having no class/manners, but can we blame them? They learn from us - and we aren't always stellar examples!Okay - soap box put away, rant over....

I will continue.....

Thank you notes make a comeback -- as e-thanks By Belinda GoldsmithThank you notes, once feared a dying form of correspondence, are making a comeback via e-mail and text messaging but etiquette experts are still struggling to endorse anything but a handwritten note.

Peter Post, a director of the Emily Post Institute that offers etiquette and manners advice, said increasing numbers of people had stopped writing thank you notes and were telephoning instead to thank for a holiday gift or party.

But the proliferation of e-mails and text messaging on cell phones has prompted people to start writing again to thank people, with new technology creating a new form of etiquette."

E-mail has become an alternative way to send a thank you and you can see how text messaging could be considered another avenue," said Post, author of three etiquette books."Is it appropriate? If you are not going to thank them otherwise then it is better than nothing but I still don't think it is good as sending a note."

Some communication experts say teenagers and young adults who rarely took the time to pen a thank-you note to disappointed grandparents for their holiday gifts are now taking the time to say thank-you by e-mail and text message."

As more people get cell phones, we are seeing a rise in the number of thanks sent by text," said Delly Tamer, chief executive of online wireless retailer, which researches phone use."The younger generation who may not write a note do feel comfortable saying thanks by text or e-mail."

Some traditionalists, however, still frown upon the use of new technology to thank someone for a holiday gift, with not all older friends or relatives having e-mail or cell phones."

A younger person would never think twice about this or think there is a better way but to text message a thank you really is completely unacceptable," said Gloria Starr, who runs etiquette seminars for U.S. company Global Success Strategies."

One good back-up strategy would be a quick e-mail with a hand-written note to follow."Starr said she feared hand-written thank you notes were disappearing, citing the example of a 17-year-old niece to whom she send a laptop last year as she started college. Having received no thanks or acknowledgment she telephoned her niece to check she had received the present and found she had. Starr proceeded to tell her niece how inconsiderate it was not to thank her and she would not send any more gifts. Days later a two page thank you letter arrived.

"She just had not thought of writing," said Starr.

Life coach and writer Susan Dunn said the expectations of a thank you letter tended to be age related." One of my 60-year-old readers said that if she does not receive a written thank you note, she does not give the person a gift again," said Dunn. "However I received the same comment from a 40-year-old. What age is the break-point? It appears to be around 35."

Advice columnist Melissa Kirsch, whose book "The Girl's Guide to Everything" is being released in February, said people were wrong if they thought paper and pen were obsolete with writing a thank you note on practice that was timeless."E-mail is disposable," she writes. "Handwritten notes take time and effort, and they literally send a message -- they say the recipient is valuable, cherished, appreciated."
Here's something else I do. My son and daughter-in-law gave me a really beautiful sweater for Christmas. In addition to penning a thank you note, the next time I saw them (invited to their house for dinner), I wore the sweater.

If you're around the person who gave you the gift, let them see you using it and enjoying it. Have the book out on the coffee table, use the blender to make their drink when they come it, when they see you and say how relaxed you look, tell them it was because of the cruise or the massage gift card they gave you.

It makes everyone feel good. (You'll also get more gifts, silly!)

Call 817.734.1471 for coaching.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Robert Solomon - True to Our Feelings: What Our Emotions are Really Telling Us

Solomon was the author of more than 40 books, a gifted teacher and an expert in existentialism and emotions. He was born in 1942. He was Quincy Lee Centennial Professor of Business and Philosophy and a Distinguished Teaching Professor at UT Austin. He had a bachelor's degree in molecular biology and a master's and doctoral degree in philosophy and psychology.
"Six billion people in the world and counting ... nevertheless what you do counts."

Clip of Solomon in the animated film, "Waking Life" talking about existentialism. "Sartre once interviewed said he never really felt a day of despair in his life. But one thing that comes out from reading these guys is not a sense of anguish about life so much as a real kind of exuberance of feeling on top of it. It's like your life is yours to create..."

Among Solomon's books: From Rationalism to Existentialism: The Existentialists and Their Nineteenth-Century Backgrounds (1972) arguably the best introductory text on existentialism in English, and The Passions (1976), considered a classic on the emotions.

From an ode to him on the Oxford University press blog. For the full article go HERE.

From the preface to Solomon’s most recent book, True to Our Feelings: What Our Emotions Are Really Telling Us:

I have always been fascinated by emotions; watching and dealing with them in other people, coping with and often joy-riding with my own. To be perfectly honest, I've also been terrified of them. As a child, I had a vile (though rarely violent) temper. As a young man, I fell in love often, and hard. As I matured, I learned to actually love, though perhaps more slowly and awkwardly than I would like to admit. And all along, I found myself brooding on, speculating about, luxuriating in, and terrified by my own emotional dispositions, responses, and preferences. I was already (although I did not know it at the time) a philosopher.

When I actually came into philosophy (from biology and medical school, where I had developed an interest in psychoanalysis), I brought with me that very personal fascination with the nature of the emotions ...

What were my emotions, my passions, or-more vaguely-my "feelings"? Did they, as it sometimes seemed, just happen to me-"sweep me away"-or even possess me, "take over my personality"? Or were they, as they also seemed to be, what was most me, most mine, what best (or worst) defined me? Were my emotions good and good for me, or were they bad and bad for me (as my less emotional friends would continually caution me)? What did it mean-that sixties' expression-to be "in touch with one's feelings"? What was it to be an "authentic" person? ...

Over the next thirty years, I explored those questions by way of philosophy, psychology, anthropology, and biology... I had long been indignant that emotions were so neglected in philosophy, the self-appointed discipline of "rationality." ...

...Now the philosophy of emotions, and the idea that reason and emotions are in cahoots rather than antagonists, is a major research area in psychology and the fast-advancing neurosciences.

Check out the other clips from "Waking Life: on Interesting.


Saturday, January 06, 2007

South African Advertising Guru Speaks about Emotional Intelligence


Emotional Intelligence is having a global impact. Don't be left out. Contract for coaching NOW. 817.741.7223. Come learn with the best. We've been doing this for years ... everyone else is just catching up.

According to an article in (that's South Africa), Anne Nurock, CEO of one of South Africa’s top advertising agencies, Grey Worldwide, recently gave a talk at the Innovation Hub, Master class for the Business Owner in Pretoria. She shared her experiences as both a woman in business, and as a leader and manager of people.

According to the article, when first approached with the opportunity to lead the agency, she asked whether she could be the deputy instead. How like a woman!

She says that the doubt that she experienced in her ability is what very often holds most women back.

“Women tend to be self-deprecating, not believing they deserve success,” she says. Nurock says she now uses every opportunity to encourage women to be assertive, without losing their femininity. “It doesn’t mean that if you like to wear pretty colours and frills that you are any less of a business person in the boardroom. Embrace what makes you a woman, don’t try to compete with men. Not that I am knocking men down, but women bring their own special abilities to doing business. Don’t lose that,” she said. (Take a look at her photo HERE and see that she is intentional - she practices what she preaches.)

Nurock took the advertising agency from the solid, reliable, predictable staid reputation it had built up where it was losing money to the vibrant, profitable business it is today.

The article ends with: Nurock believes that emotional intelligence (EQ) is as important as IQ. “A leader is only as good as the people around her,” she said.

Amen! Now don't be left out. This EQ is circling the globe faster than you can say "better world". If you want to get ahead, feel good, and have your life work better - get into emotional intelligence.

Read the complete article HERE.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Banished Words in 2007

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No need to be a pundit, but if you want to increase your EQ, you must be able to use language. Real words.

As in The Book of Clichés ... Feeling lonely or afraid? Lost, heartbroken, overworked, or at wit's end? This site will show you how to reduce any profound emotional experience to a hollow cliché. Established in 1996, the Book of Clichés "lists phrases to say in times of trouble in a number of categories." When appropriate, and with people who care, you need to be able to express yourself; which means, of course, your feelings.
And now ...
The Lake Superior State University 2007 List of Banished Words (Go there to add your comments to the 2007 list and nominate your own selections.)

GITMO -- The US military's shorthand for a base in Cuba drives a wedge wider than a split infinitive.

"When did the notorious Guantanamo Bay Naval Base change to 'Gitmo,' a word that conjures up an image of a fluffy and sweet character from a Japanese anime show?" -- Marcus W., St. Louis, Missouri.

COMBINED CELEBRITY NAMES -- Celebrity duos of yore -- BogCall (Bogart and Bacall), Lardy (Laurel and Hardy), and CheeChong (Cheech and Chong) -- just got lucky.
"It's bad enough that celebrities have to be the top news stories. Now we've given them obnoxious names such as 'Bragelina,' 'TomKat' and 'Bennifer.'" -- M. Foster, Port Huron, Michigan.

"It's so annoying, idiotic and so lame and pathetic that it's 'lamethetic.'" -- Ed of Centreville, Virginia.

AWESOME -- Given a one-year moratorium in 1984, when the Unicorn Hunters banished it "during which it is to be rehabilitated until it means 'fear mingled with admiration or reverence; a feeling produced by something majestic." Many write to tell us there's no hope and it's time for "the full banishment."

"The kind of tennis shoes you wear, no matter how cute, don't fit the majestic design of the word." -- Leila Hill, Damascus, Maryland.

"That a mop, a deodorant or a dating service can be called 'awesome' demonstrates the limited vocabularies of the country's copywriters." -- Tom Brinkmoeller, Orlando, Florida.

"Overused and meaningless.' My mother was hit by a car.' Awesome. 'I just got my college degree.' Awesome." -- Robert Bron, Pattaya, Chonburi, Thailand.

GONE/WENT MISSING -- "It makes 'missing' sound like a place you can visit, such as the Poconos. Is the person missing, or not? She went there but maybe she came back. 'Is missing' or 'was missing' would serve us better." -- Robin Dennis, Flower Mound, Texas.

PWN or PWNED -- Thr styff of lemgendz: Gamer defeats gamer, types in "I pwn you" rather than I OWN you.

"This word is just an overly used Internet typo. It has been overused to the point that people who play online games are using it in everyday speech." -- Tory Rowley, Corunna, Michigan.

NOW PLAYING IN THEATERS -- Heard in movie advertisements. Where can we see that, again?

"How often do movies premiere in laundromats or other places besides theaters? I know that when I want to see a movie I think about going to a shoe store." -- Andrea May, Shreveport, Louisiana.

WE'RE PREGNANT -- Grounded for nine months.

"Were men feeling left out of the whole morning sickness/huge belly/labor experience? You may both be expecting, but only one of you is pregnant." -- Sharla Hulsey, Sac City, Iowa.

"I'm sure any woman who has given birth will tell you that 'WE' did not deliver the baby." -- Marlena Linne, Greenfield, Indiana.

UNDOCUMENTED ALIEN -- "If they haven't followed the law to get here, they are by definition 'illegal.' It's like saying a drug dealer is an 'undocumented pharmacist.'" -- John Varga, Westfield, New Jersey.

ARMED ROBBERY/DRUG DEAL GONE BAD -- From the news reports. What degree of "bad" don't we understand? Larry Lillehammer of Bonney Lake, Washington, asks, "After it stopped going well and good?"

TRUTHINESS – "This word, popularized by The Colbert Report and exalted by the American Dialectic Society's Word of the Year in 2005 has been used up. What used to ring true is getting all the truth wrung out of it." -- Joe Grimm, Detroit, Michigan.

ASK YOUR DOCTOR -- The chewable vitamin morphine of marketing.

"Ask your doctor if 'fill in the blank' is right for you! Heck, just take one and see if it makes you 'fill in the blank' or get deathly ill." -- R.C. Amundson, Oakville, Washington.

"I don't think my doctor would appreciate my calling him after seeing a TV ad." -- Peter B. Liveright, Lutherville, Maryland.

The doctors among us may have something to say about this one!

CHIPOTLE – Smoked dry over medium heat.

"Prior to 2005 . . . a roasted jalapeno. Now we have a 'chipotle' burrito with 'chipotle' marinated meat, 'chipotle' peppers, sprinkled with a 'chipotle' seasoning and smothered in a 'chipotle' sauce. Time to give this word a rest." – Rob Zeiger, Bristol, Pennsylvania.

i-ANYTHING -- 'e-Anything' made the list in 2000. Geoff Steinhart of Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan, says tech companies everywhere have picked this apple to the core. "Turn on…tune in…and drop out."

"Banish any word that starts with it. i am just tired of it. it's getting old. -- Brad Butler, Adrian, Michigan.

SEARCH -- Quasi-anachronism. Placed on one-year moratorium.

"Might as well banish it. The word has been replaced by 'google.'" -- Michael Raczko, Swanton, Ohio.

HEALTHY FOOD -- Point of view is everything.

Someone told Joy Wiltzius of Fort Collins, Colorado, that the tuna steak she had for lunch "sounded healthy." Her reply: "If my lunch were healthy, it would still be swimming somewhere. Grilled and nestled in salad greens, it's 'healthful.'"

BOASTS -- See classified advertisements for houses, says Morris Conklin of Lisboa, Portugal, as in "master bedroom boasts his-and-her fireplaces -- never 'bathroom apologizes for cracked linoleum,' or 'kitchen laments pathetic placement of electrical outlets.'"

LSSU accepts nominations for the banished-words list throughout the year. To submit your nomination for the 2008 list, go to

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

New Year's Resolution: Stop Annoying Other People


New Book about Emotional Intelligence and Coaching ... "What Got You Here Won't Get You There," by Marshall Goldsmith and Mark Reiter, soon to be released, and excerpted on It's about leadership, but it's also about emotional intelligence and coaching.
One of Goldsmith's tips has to do with New Year's resolutions. Most of us make them. I don't, actually, because I'm a coach, and it's an ongoing thing with me that I model to clients. My "new year" doesn't start Jan. 1. It starts whenever I want it to; many times during a given year, in fact. New Year's day is as artificial as fake snow; it isn't even an astronomical event. So create your own any time you want to change.
Goldsmith believes in striving to be better human beings, we rarely resolve to do better in our interpersonal relationships.
Coaching clients are generally highly evolved and motivated, so I find most of my clients understand that the change has to be them, not the outer world. Goldsmith believes one thing crucial to good leadership is changing one or two interpersonal habits that annoy other people. Personal habits of your own, that is.
Fits with my definition of leadership which for someone as philosophical as I am, is eminently pragmatic: "A LEADER IS SOMEONE OTHER PEOPLE WANT TO FOLLOW." Want to follow. It's a feeling word. If you're brilliant, dedicated, highly-trained, highly credentialed, and know something I want to learn, but every time I get around you, you demean me ... I'll go "follow" someone else, thank you kindly.
In his book, Goldsmith outlines 20 habits that rub people the wrong way and tells how to break them.
Here are two:

That's why I'm a coach. People have always loved to tell me their problems. After many years of this, in the workplace, I had an "ah hah" moment one day. Someone had come to me yet again to explain another person's behavior, and I blurted out, "I can tell you why, I can tell you all about their issues (I have an advanced degree in clinical psychology, plus am keen about figuring other people out), but you're still going to have to deal with them.

I can tell you why Fred 'bites people's heads off', he gives off clues about his childhood and the nature of his parents and of his brain and nervous system like a honeycomb oozes honey, but YOU are still going to have to deal with him trying to bite your head off. In fact it is a mistake for you to "understand" it if it means just sitting there and tolerating it. (Take my "How to Handle Difficult People" course and learn more about this.)
The same goes for your own "bad habits."
Emotional Intelligence is keen on this as well. I don't care why you're angry and throwing a tantrum. Just don't throw it at me. It may be a reason, but it should not be an excuse. Goldsmith's example is listening to someone nadder on about their father and mother and finally tossing a quarter at the man (a coaching client, I presume) and saying, "Call someone who cares."
One of the examples I give is about the young woman who popped into my office one day and said, "I'm going to be a real bear today. I'm PMSing."
"Not to me, you're not," I said.
PMS is no excuse for bad behavior any more than your past is an excuse for bad behavior.
Emotional intelligence shows you what else to do with your anger, joy, fear, etc. It's a choice, you know.
The point, says Goldsmith, according to this book review, is if you want to change the future, understanding won't get you there.
Not an original thought, of course. It's Einstein rephrased: You can't solve the problem on the same plane where it was created. (Albert Einstein)

Goldsmith frames it as losing face, essentially. Many people are highly invested in never being wrong it's true, and here we have a reframing of "would you rather be right than in relationship".
"It feels humiliating to seek forgiveness," Goldsmith says, "because we think it suggests subservience. We believe that apologizing forces us to cede power when, in reality, it's a great control tactic."
Goldsmith feels that "apologizing turns adversaries into allies, even servants. It is one of the most powerful and resonant gestures in the human arsenal--almost as powerful as a declaration of love."
In emotional intelligence, we look further than that. Being adamantly and relentlessly self-forgiving is a component of emotional intelligence. It frees you and it can keep you alive, I mean physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. We forgive not from altruism, but for our own health ... so we don't continue feasting on the skeleton, as the theologian put. Anger and resentment are delicious, but the skeleton at the feast is you.
Goldsmith reframes forgiving, apologizing, as forcing everyone to let go of the past.
Would that it were so. But to do this, YOU must be willing to accept the apology and move forward. The apology doesn't do it (can someone apologize for an affair? for running over your dog in the driveway?) ; YOU do.
It's hard to swallow your bile, and Goldsmith gives a great example: a young woman in a Fortune 100 company who was smart and had been brought in to bring about change. Everyone loved her except one of her peers, who viewed her as "arrogant" and "felt she didn't respect the company's history and traditions."
Goldsmith suggested that she apologize to this man, and scripted the apology for her to say, including that she had been disrespectful of the company's history and traditions.
Goldsmith believes there's magic in this process.
I picture this particular one as a scenario between a young adult and their middle-aged parent. From time-to-time I have a client who INSISTS that they cannot move on in their life until their parent APOLOGIES to them for not being there/favoring their sibling/leaving their mother/not sending them to college/'making them' be a lawyer instead of a pianist/never remembering their birthday/making them eat spinach.
What bothers me about this scenario is that the parent could equally demand an apology for keeping them all night/having ADHD/getting pregnant outside of wedlock/flunking out of the college they'd already paid $40,000 for/marrying someone from another religion or culture and messing up family get-togethers/inconveniencing their life with ashthma ... Except that in this society, we expect parents to parent, that is to "serve."
I had a client once who believed she was fat, at the age of 40, because of something her father did. But you see, her father is not there now shoveling mashed potatoes into her face. That's victimology. I'm going to write a book about this apology from the parent.
Goldsmith says apologies are a catalyst ... "how individuals change, teams improve, and companies become world-beaters. "
If you want to become even more successful in 2007, start by letting go of the past and learning to say: "I'm sorry."
Aren't those great? I bet there are more great habits to bust in that book. I'll be waiting for it come out.
Read the book excerpt on, HERE.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Emotional Intelligence - it's not just a buzz word


Now you can ask the EQ Coach a Question. Go HERE. Tell your friends.
Coach certification program. Get in now before the rates go up.
Did you know I had a photo shoot over Christmas with First Women magazine? All about health and looking and feeling good. Let me coach you to get there.
Most New Year's resolutions have been broken by the end of January, and that's depressing. Let me show you a better way. Call 817-741-7223, or .
La Scala bumps "Candide" from their schedule. Read more about it on Club Vivo.

DR took the How to Handle Difficult People course and said how nice it was not to get drawn into the same old yada yada at the holiday get-together. Take it NOW while you still remember what it was like. Click HERE.

Have you taken the EQ Map? The best assessment out there. Go Check it out.
What's the most depressing day of the year? January 20th. Are you ready?
Can't figure him out? Will be come back? What do you do next?
We recommend:

A New Year is a New Beginning


Margaret Loris, The Sunhealer, has some great tips for us to begin the New Year free from past misunderstandings and grievances. Here is her article:

Here’s a powerful technique to begin the New Year free from past misunderstandings and grievances you have. Let’s begin by taking responsibility for our lives and commit to live in power by releasing victimhood and blame.

When we hold someone bondage to the past, we keep ourselves captive also. We remember the pain and fear it repeating again. So we close down, build defenses, and wall off our hearts and emotions. Remember, some people are repeat offenders and never change.

At least we give them the space and opportunity to grow. If you have someone like this in your life, you can choose to disassociate from them. They have free choice too. Forgiving means stopping your permission for their behavior to be repeated and that what was done was unacceptable.

Forgiveness is needed for behaviors that were abusive and need to be ended. So when we forgive, we unchain the past and the unforgiven from our minds and our hearts. We stop giving permission for them to torment our minds and our thoughts. Both you and the other person are free to grow into unlimited possibilities and evolve. This opens the door for miracles to occur. You can give them the opportunity to recognize their core star essence and let that light shine brightly.

Simultaneously, you also recharge and renew yours. This may be inappropriate for the random act of violence from a stranger, or for someone who was abused as a child or while in some other position of true helplessness. Further healing may be required.

Step 1: To begin, imagine your offender in front of you. Next, we are going to ask them, in deep sincerity, to forgive us. Yes, we will take the reigns and ask for forgiveness first, even if we are totally innocent. If you find this difficult, simply go up to their Soul level and ask Soul to Soul. For example, perhaps I am angry with my mother for forcing me to eat spinach when I hated it. I would say, “Mother, will you forgive me?” If that person doesn’t or can’t answer you, their Soul will respond “YES!” because their Soul wants freedom and forgiveness too. It’s that easy.

Step 2: Declare your forgiveness to them first. “I, (Margaret) forgive (my mother) for (making me eat spinach). I release and forgive her for her highest good.”

Step 3: Next, imagine going up to that person and giving them a heart to heart hug. If your pain, anger and resentment prevents this heart connection, again communicate your Soul with their Soul. There is no grievance on the upper planes.

Step 4: Really begin to sense that person’s soul essence. Stay there as long as it takes to feel a love connection. Remember, I am with you if you feel uncomfortable. It will be all right. Just give it a chance. You’ll begin to feel hardness melt. Begin to feel their heart beat against your chest. Sink deeper in --- Realize this person’s God Presence is the same God Presence that lives in you. Feel the pain, bitterness and anger releasing. Relax, take a deep breath, and go deeper yet. Rest.

Step 5: Pay attention to your emotions and what your partner says and feels towards you. Rest and find comfort in knowing that you are healing two people very deeply and on many levels.

Step 6: Visualize the person you are forgiving being blessed by your forgiveness and, as a result, being freed from continuing the behavior that hurt you.

Step 7: Feel yourself growing lighter and more joyous. Know you are free to move on and create your life in happiness and love.

Here is a beginning list of people to forgive to get started:

  • Mother
  • Father
  • Siblings
  • Doctors and Nurses
  • Bosses, Employees and Colleagues
  • Teachers and Peers
  • Clergy
  • Old boyfriends/girlfriends, Lovers, Ex-wives and husbands
  • Children
  • Friends

You get the idea. Now set yourself free!
Which brings up the one person you left out -- YOU. Being relentlessly and adamantly self-forgiving is an emotional intelligence component and an important one. Until you can forive yourself, you cannot forgive anyone else. Remember that you forgive for YOUR benefit, not theirs.

For coaching, call 817-734-1471.
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Volga Boatmen - Is that your job?


"Burlaks on the Volga River", this magnificent painting of Czarist Russian, is now in the public doman. Click HERE to see the painting enlarged.

You may also be familiar with the Russian folk song, "The Volga Boatmen."

The lyrics to the refrain are:
Mighty stream so deep and wide
Volga Volga you’re our pride
Heave ho, heave ho

You can hear "The Volga Boatman" here from an old Nelson Eddy movie:

Now take another look at the painting, please. This is an exercise I use in my Emotional Intelligence course, incidentally, and in seminars. In it we see a team at work, doing manual labor. You can probably identify some of the people in the painting. Who is the young golden boy? The one at the rear who seems about to collapse? The leader in the front, old, but apparently doing fine? Which one is you?

Now, on a blog entitled "Volga Boatman," a member of the clergy writes:

"Thinking about liturgical music, the Volga boatmen came to mind. Somewhere in the dim recesses of my mind is an image of men on a towpath, dragging a boat through a canal, accompanied by 'Yo, heave, ho.' And there are times when I feel like one of the guys on the rope line. Dragging the congregation through a Mass, dragging a choir through a new hymn or setting. But those are nothing compared to the way it's going to feel when we try to move forward from what many refer to as 'the four-hymn Mass' to 'ritual music.'

"Anyone who works in the church music world knows that after almost every Mass, someone comes up and tells you that she loves the music because it’s strong/tender/enlivening/
comforting/'real Catholic music'/up-to-date, etc.

That individual is followed by someone who hates it. It’s too loud/soft/fast/slow/traditional/

[I used to be the Outreach Director for a church and greeted people as they came in the sanctuary. I would hear, "It's too hot in here/just right in here for once/freezing cold in here." Everyone should have this experience in order to understand what "leadership" is all about.]

However, that's not my point here. I have a few questions for you, actually.

1. Do you find it odd the clergyman didn't see himself as the man on the boat in the orange shirt? 2. Would there be anything 'wrong' if the leader were on the boat, not hauling?
3. What about if he were pitching in? He appears to see himself perhaps as the man in the front right. Dragging them forward.
4. If you were the man in the orange shirt directing this whole thing, would you feel guilty?
5. Did you even see the man on the boat in the orange shirt?

It's about the big picture:
  • Not letting your emotions get in the way of your perceptions,
  • About what you 'read into' a painting. We all do this. That's why there are paintings, and why we love them. (The great arts [culture] BTW, are an important component of emotional intelligence).
  • The experiences you have had, and the emotions around them that you bring to apainting become your reality.
  • Your beliefs and attitudes about labor, i.e., all work is slave labor and you are condemned to do it ... or think-work is lazy, manual labor is "honest labor"
  • How much you identify with the people in a painting and why
  • How much you know about Czarist Russian and if you can distance yourself to get intellectual; or, conversely, if you automatically intellectualize your emotions
  • Your attitudes toward paintings - worthless nonsence, "not for me," "what's the purpose - why are you 'making' me look at a painting?"

Some people identify with the Volga boatmen, and immediately start talking about "slave labor." Others identify with the suffering in general (especially if they are familiar with this time period in Russia's history) and they usually fail to see the men on the boat, or to remember them. Some who are leaders see themselves as the man in the orange shirt, while others who are leaders see themselves as the man front left. Others might start fantasizing about never having to work. There are many reactions you can have.

One suggestion for the New Year, if you see yourself on your current job as one of the Volga boatmen - slave labor, and heave ho, heave ho - it may be time for a new job?

Call me for coaching: 817.734.1471.