Do we say I'M SORRY too much?

I'll apologize when ...

BBC ARTICLE ON SAYING YOU'RE SORRY HEADLINING EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Making the rounds, an article on BBC called SORRY TO SAY.

It's getting blogged a lot, so thought I would join in.

It's talking about the custom of saying "I'm sorry" in the UK, which the article thinks is over-used.

Unfortunately they quote one Mark Tyrrell, who they describe as "a psychotherapist at Uncommon Knowledge, a group that promotes personal development and emotional intelligence" but the paragraph runs together, in Brit fashion, so reads like this ... "For Mark Tyrrell, a psychotherapist at Uncommon Knowledge, a group that promotes personal development and emotional intelligence, a lingering culture of deference is to blame.

No, emotional intelligence is not "a lingering culture of deference". That's not an appositive! But if the whole sentence isn't quoted, that's what you read and that's unfortunate.

Tyrrell believes, to quote the article: "Saying sorry so much is a deep-rooted British characteristic. The class system is largely to blame, as 'sorry' comes out of politeness, which is there for social cohesion. ..The new middle classes had to apologise for no longer being working class, but also for not really being upper class either. The vast majority of Brits belong to the middle classes so saying sorry has become endemic."

Tyrrell believes we also play games with the s-word, sometimes using it to our advantage.

Sure we do. Kids learn it real quick. I was with a little guy the other day who bopped his sister right in front of me and then turned, saw me, and said, "I'm sorry I'm sorry" as if that made it all OK. Clever little guy!

Sadly ther are grown CEOs, for instance, who think they can berate and castigate someone in public, then say "I'm sorry" and have it all go away. It doesn't work that way. It doesn't work that way with an affair either. Or telling someone you think they're fat or ugly. Some things "I'm sorry" doesn't quite cover.

Now I'm an EQ coach and also coach etiquette and I'm all for those social-greasers: thank you, pardon me, excuse me, I'm sorry, and you're welcome.

One of my pet peeves, however, is watching a parent force a child to give a meaningless, "I'm sorry." Until a child has developed empathy, they have no "I'm sorry" in them, except for the punishment they may be about to receive, and so it is a distortion of their feelings to force them to say, "I'm sorry." They also cut to the chase and learn -- if their parents aren't too EQ-smart -- that they can apologize, then do it again, and it's the apology that counts, not the act. Oops!

Most kids hate to do it and I don't blame them. A parent would be better off ... well, read my ebook, "How to Teach Your Child EQ".

Also, it happens to be one of the emotional intelligence components to be "relentlessly and adamantaly self-forgiving." This isn't the same as being SORRY, that's kind of dwelling on it and on the down side, yes, acting victimy, whiny, etc.

Main thing here - if you develop your EQ you will have far far fewer occasions where the phrase "I'm sorry" must be used (or misused). Myself, I use it almost exclusively when someone tells me of a personal tragedy or misfortune. It is a simple and elegant thing to say, and it is how I feel. When someone tells me, "I lost all my money in the stock market," or "my wife died of cancer," I don't try and make it good, or a lesson, or a character-building thing, or something they should have know better than ... I simply stop and say, "I'm so sorry to hear that" or "I'm sorry that happened to you."

But most of the things where we say "I'm sorry" in the other sense are when we fail to manage our own emotions. We must apologize, and we DO feel sorry, when we yell at someone, insult them, criticize them harshly, and generally act like an idiot ourselves.

The more you develop your EQ, the less you will be acting like an idiot!

Anger is one of the biggest culprits. It is a good way of knowing what you want, and not a good way for getting it. If you manage your anger - take the message that you really want something you aren't getting, or didn't get - then you can control your behavior and shape it in a way that maximized your chance of getting what you want.

Since I'm also a dating coach I see this all the time. The relationship heats up, the man disappears and goes into the cave, and the woman hunts him down and them chews him out. Why? Because she wants him so much and wants him to come back. It drives him further away, and she then will hunt him down to APOLOGIZE.

This step could be skipped! In oh so many ways. Men with high EQ don't get so scared they have to disappear when emotions heat up. And women with high EQ can at least understand if and when they do, when they need that masculine "space," and cut them some slack. But if the confrontation occurs, the man might then be able to realize his part in it ...

I love dating-coaching. It's so great to get couples together and I have a VERY HIGH SUCCESS RATE. I am also Attract Your Dream Mate for a major website. I hear that particular scenario a lot, and it's so great to lead people to what they want!

Well, back to the article. According to the bbc here's where apologies in the UK go:

WHO DO WE SAY SORRY TO?
37% of our use is aimed at partners
19% to strangers
14% to our children
14% to work colleagues
8% to friends
5% to parents
3% to siblings
1% to the boss

Speaking of which, my next ebook is going to be able adult children who are hellbent on getting their senior parents to "apologize" for something they did or didn't do, and feel they cannot get on with their lives until this "apology" is forthcoming.

It's a great source of pain between generations, and there's a better way. Stay tuned!

And why do they say "I'm sorry" so infrequently to their bosses? That's an interesting question.

One last thing about "I'm sorry." I agree with John Wayne. Don't hurt someone unless you mean to. Being "unmindful", "unconscious," and "unaware" is the real culprit. Emotional intelligence starts with SELF-AWARENESS and leads to Intentionality. Want to learn more?

Ask for my Emotional Intelligence Quick-Study - a book of exercise for busy professionals to learn EQ. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc to order it.