Sunday, July 30, 2006
Take the DIFFICULT PEOPLE Course.
It makes your life easier!
Testimony: "I took an organizational psychology course for my MBA. This course helped me a lot more." -- DR
THE TOP 10 REASONS WHY SMART PEOPLE LEARN A SECOND LANGUAGE
As someone said, words keep us from floating free in space. Vocabulary is actually important to emotional intelligence. Otherwise you only "go to the dark place" and cannot name the feelings, in their nuances. It's highly recommended that you learn a second language because you don't know your own language until you've learned another one. You are like the fish who doesn't know the water.
Consider some of these examples in terms of the limitations the words and grammar of a language put on the person's thinking or alternatively permit their thinking, i.e., how can you consider someone "condescending" if there is no word for it in your language. There is no word because either everyone is condescending, or no one is?
There are no words for "condescending," "self control" or "hangover."
Like all Romance languages, there is a formal "you," which English does not have. Originally to be used for nobles and upper class, this has been bandied about politically. One of Mussolini's reforms was to banish the use of the formal "you."
If a person starts a sentence with a personal pronoun (I, you, we), especially with "I", they are considered very rude, ignorant, trying to attract attention, or all of these things.
You can put the words in a sentence in any order.
There are four words for what in English is "love."
There is one word for "borrow" and "lend."
There is no word for "integrity."
There are also no words for computer, broker, consultant, sponsor, dealer, cheeseburger or corn flakes. (English words are borrowed.)
There are 15 words for "snow."
There is no way to say “He broke the glass” or “I broke the glass.” The glass just broke. The car just crashed. The milk just got spilt.
There are two verbs for "to be." One is for temporary (He is happy) and one is for permanent (He is tall).
No quotation marks are used!
The verb is usually at the end of the sentence.
There is no word for "soulmate."
The word for "I" is not capitalized, but the words for "you" are.
7. MANDARIN CHINESE
There is no change in word order between a question and a statement. (Obviously intonation is very important in this language.)
The nouns are not plural, i.e., He has three sister.
The verb comes first in the sentence.
It is read from right to left.
One should aim at “rhythmical balance and coordination”, with the split between subject and predicate occurring midway in a sentence.
The adjective follows the noun.
A term of endearment is "my little cabbage."
There is no word for "entrepreneur."
There is no present progressive form. No distinction is made between "she eats" and "she is eating."
Pronouns, subjects and objects are omitted. Wakarimasen means I don’t understand, he doesn’t understand, you don’t understand. Kaimasita means (I) bought (it).
Susan Dunn, MA, Founding Member of Coachville, Life & EQ Coach, who can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Offering individual and business coaching in EQ, Internet courses, The EQ Foundation Course, and ebooks.
SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR JOB? Susan trains and certifies coaches in a fast, affordable, effective, no-residency program. Email for information and for free ezine.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
A BRAIN IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE
Of the 100 factors that make for success on the job, 67 are emotional intelligence skills. You can have an IQ of 150 and be dysfunctional because you can't handle your emotions or those of others. Take the EQ Course now. The future you save could be your own.
From the mailbag:
"It's starting again at work. Every time there's a lull and nobody has anything to do, they start gossiping and backbiting.
But this time because of the difficult people course I was prepared. I got busy. I used that computer-mode language you talk about.
What is it just human nature? What makes people be this way?
Anyway I think it's working. Thanks."
MOBBING & BULLYING take place for two reasons. First of all the nature of the bully. That's just the way they are - bad childhood, something missing in their personality, brain damage, sheer meanness. Victims ask questions and try to "understand" which is not the thing to do.
In fact the person they choose to pick on is so predictable and advertising their availability so strongly, the two are on a collision course.
I talked with many victims of mobbing and bullying and there's one phrase they all use. To find out more, order my Mobbing and Bullying eBook. We recommend the DIFFICULT PEOPLE course too, for real-life situations and how-to tips that really work.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
EQ - neuroscience, the triune brain.
We share the limbic brain with mammals, like these elephants, which means caring. We nuture our young, we learn (reptiles are born 'knowing' all they'll ever know, in the form of instinct), and we play. What is play? Doing something for no purpose. (When you let go of the rag you're pulling with the dog, and let him have it, he is disappointed. It wasn't purposeful -- he didn't want the rag, he wanted the PLAY.
Elephants have friends too - video powered by Metacafe
Monday, July 24, 2006
IT'S THE MISSING PIECE
We're delighted to have a guest article today from Kathy Gates, Professional Life Coach and EQ coach who trained in our program.
She has some great words for us today:
"Happiness Is Diversity,"
by Kathy Gates, Professional Life Coach
Low carb is not the right diet for everyone. Bungee-jumping is not the sport for everyone. Condo living is not a comfortableliving arrangement for everyone. And there is no set blueprintfor your life either.
You have needs, wants, dreams, and a history that make your lifedifferent than anyone else’s. Life is about diversity. Formal Victorian style is not at all the right approach to a home for me with large dogs and foster kittens; but my streamlined casual style works well.
My friend on the other hand would never be happy in a home with all tile floors, it’s just not sophisticated enough for her. “I need carpet and fancy drapes, and live plants”, she laughs.
And I would look silly in super-low-cut jeans; but then my 20 year old niece would not welcome the tailored suits I often wear, either.
My message is simple -- Happiness lies in that sacred placewhere you create the diversity that makes your life yours. Happiness lies where self acceptance and self improvement meet. Not just your decorating style, or your choice of jeans --but your ideals, your passions, what makes you smile. In order for happiness to live with you, your life must reflect what makes sense to you. What you love, what you care about,what you treasure, what you find interesting and important.
When I first moved to Arizona over 15 years ago now, I had been working with my husband running jobsites for a large construction company. I wanted to do something else when we made the move, but he asked me to stay, and I agreed. It was, after all, what we had been doing all along. Who was I to rock the boat?
I stayed for 2 years, and I did a decent job; but I also was very stressed, and added to his stress, because I was unhappy with my choice. I went to work barely on time, I took every second of my lunch hour, left as early as I could get away with. My heart wasn’t in it.
After the 2 years, I was able to go back to school and start my Coaching Business. Originally, I put in 50 hours a week, never got tired, bored, wanted to quit. Years later, I still don’t get tired. Ok, that’s not true, but I don’t get sick-and-tired, if you know what I mean.
I wouldn’t make it as a rock star. I could never be a chef, or a surgeon. But Life Coaching I love. I found happiness in the variety of life that fits me. You can too! But even with the beauty of diversity, there are of course some basics. Just like in decorating, or fashion style, living a great life involves knowing some basic skills and putting in some foundation pieces. A great paint job won’t help a wall that's cracked and peeling!
Start with the basics, and then from there, it becomes a creative effort that reflects your own personality, your own interests, your own message to the world.
1. Screen out things that aren’t important to you.
2. Put your effort in the right places.
3. Clearly define your priorities.
4. Build reserves into your life.
5. Identify and eliminate energy zappers.
6. Manage your self-talk.
7. Eliminate overwhelm through daily action.
Every day that you work hard on being optimistic and strengthening things that are meaningful and important to you, there is less room for unhappiness or self pity. Happiness is being YOU, the very best “you” that you can be.
Kathy Gates is a Certified Emotional Intelligence Coach in Scottsdale Arizona who specializes in focus and motivation. She will coach you via email or telephone, your choice. Take a look at Real Life Coach, then contact her at email@example.com,or call 480.998.5843
Friday, July 21, 2006
A video somebody put together with IDF pictures, and a song in Hebrew called Hope by Subliminal. The chorus translated is "Let's continue, our whole lives are ahead of us.It'not too late, tomorrow is a new day. The dream will die if we lose hope, so stretch forth a hand for love"
FROM THE WAR ZONE
My friend Shlomo, who is a doctor in a hospital in Jerusalem writes:
We are out of the fire range, thus we are safe.
Trying to pull on the routine daily life.......despite everything.
- - Shlomo
Others are not so lucky ...
See Nancy Fenn's photo essay about the affect of war on the lives of Austrian children, herself and loved ones. All children are precious and all lives are precious, even those that get off to a poor start because of war. For all children there is hope.
1944 geboren und sie kommen schon mal im Schwung . . .
CROWN PRINCESS ROLLED 15 DEGREES, RIGHTED AFTER 30 SECONDS
IS IT SAFE TO CRUISE?
I have a cruise booked for September (hurricane season) and hope to work in another one in December, so I can come back refreshed and relaxed for the holiday season. Having presented enrichment lectures on cruises, I have been on quite a few and have always felt safe, including cruising during Hurricane Isabel. Therefore it pained me to hear the recent distressing news about the people who were injured when the Crown Princess listed starboard for 30 seconds. I’m concerned about the people who were hurt. It must have been a frightening experience.
I’m also concerned about the reactions I’m hearing from other people. I talked to a woman today who says she will never set foot on a cruise ship again. It doesn’t make sense to me to consider cruising unsafe because of one event, troubling as it is. Who’s “right” and who’s “wrong”? Well this comes up, doesn’t it, in emotional discussions. Being an EQ coach, I tried to view some different perspectives. It's emotionally intelligent to analyze and think through an emotional reaction.
First of all, there are the biases of the speaker. The woman I was talking with is prone to seasickness. I think she’s looking for an excuse not to have to get on a boat again (her husband pushed it), and why should see? The stabilizers on a cruise ship are incredible. I feel absolutely nothing but loveliness, but I see people with the patches (which appear to work quite well), and hear them at table saying Aunt Martha spent the first 12 hours in her stateroom throwing up. This is like me and skiing. I don’t like speed, I don’t like height, I don’t like being cold, and my knees are barely ski-worthy. Why, you might ask, would I go skiing? Well, I wanted to try it once. I did, but I don’t share my experience of it because it’s highly skewed. I caught myself rationalizing if after the fact -- “It’s dangerous,” I said. “People break their necks. There are avalanches.” This from someone (me) who rides motorcycles in Cozumel? One can get hurt skiing, as one can just about anywhere, including on a cruise ship. But with caution, and some luck, it just isn’t that likely.
It’s got to be better than riding in a car almost any day, almost anywhere.
I turned down two free cruises (from a relative) because I was afraid of hurricanes at sea. Then I got invited to speak on a cruise and was so excited I forgot, and off I went, just in time for Hurricane Isabel. The worst that happened was a day without sunshine, some rocking of the boat, no going out on deck, and Belize instead of Grand Cayman (a sorry trade, to me). On the other hand, I’m on a cruise with good food, a good friend and a good book. Why complain? I like to think my enrichment lecture was a nice diversion for others.
It ‘s stationary land masses that suffer from hurricanes. They move at about 5 miles an hour. A cruise ship can go much faster than that, has all the latest equipment, and simply outruns it, or changes course, as we did.
So I was lucky enough to face that fear and get over it and it’s a good thing because official “hurricane season” is about 6 months of the year (June – November).
HOW SAFE IS IT?
I checked on the Internet and came up with some isolated events of people going overboard, or dying from smoke inhalation. There is some morbid fascination re: people who die of natural causes on a ship (happened on one cruise I was on) but that’s hardly attributable to the cruise ship. In fact I would say at least they got to die happy.
What can you expect personally? First of all, how safe do you want to be? I maintain that if you get dead drunk and wander around anywhere at 3 a.m., you’re looking for trouble. Likewise if you blatantly disregard precautions. Someone was injured on our Russian River cruise because he did what we had been specifically cautioned not to do. He got himself beat up by some gypsies in a subway tunnel because he left the tour group, which we had been cautioned against doing and we had been warned about the gypsies.
The cruise lines say their first concern is the passengers’ safety, and this is sometimes in spite of the passenger. For instance, decks are slippery – you’re on the ocean. If you’re drunk, how much more likely are you to slip and fall? You tell me.
How serious are they about it? So much so, it’s a nuisance, from the minute you’re on board (after you’ve passed security). Instead of getting to go play, you have to go through muster – go get your lifejacket, follow the escape route, stand and be counted.
And then there’s the security. You can’t just wander on and off the board. You have to queu up, show identification, punch in and out. Disembarkation can take hours because the Coast Guard is checking each passenger and sometimes their possessions, one-by-one. Once we were delayed leaving because the Coast Guard had divers scouring the bottom of the ship looking for drugs. There are often dogs around the port baggage areas.
Sitting at dinner one night, a woman at our table announced she would be “jumping ship” when we got to the Mexican port du jour as she was meeting a friend and they were heading north by train. None of us thought anything of it since we hadn’t considered doing it. The next day we had our day on shore and that night the woman didn’t show up for dinner, as advertised. During dinner we set sail. I was hardly back to my room before there was a knock on my door – people in security uniforms wanting to know what I knew. She hadn’t checked back in to the ship and they started a search immediately.
It’s like a lock-down – 24-hour security with highly trained security personnel You can’t just wander off and non-passengers aren’t allowed on. I know. A friend met our ship in Key West, and they would not allow him onboard. Period.
A couple of years ago I cruised shortly after the media covered a flu (?) outbreak on a cruise ship – just like could happen at your office, or your child’s school. There were some people sick on our ship, and I started coming down with something. I find this to be expected when I’m in a “city” of several thousand people living together for 10 days. I went to the ship doctor, got an antibiotic, and enjoyed being sick in a place where I could go to my room, be waited on hand and foot, and have no further obligations or responsibilities, which allowed me to get well quicker than usual.
You can deposit money and valuables with the purser and there’s a safe in your room. If you’re gambling, drinking and irresposible, I would think you would be an easy mark, but still less than you would be on dry land. As our Cayman guide said, “We don’t have a lot of crime. This is an island. Where ya gonna go?”
According to FBI statistics, cruise ships are safer than virtually anywhere in the US in terms of crimes of any type. (Cruiseline Coalition) US passengers are protected by US laws in international waters and crimes are investigated.
According to the International Council of Cruise Lines, the 15 major cruise lines received 206 complaints from passengers – reporting 178 sexual assaults, 4 robberies, and 24 missing persons -- during a three-year period (2003 – 2005). That pertains to 31 MILLION PASSENDERS, 1/3rd again in staff.
A young man jumped off a ship in 2001 after losing $9,000 in the ship's casino and was later picked up by a small gambling ship. The remedy for that would be Gamblers Anonymous for the gentleman, not you or I avoiding cruising.
According to a database compiled by cruise critic Ross Klein, 52 people have “gone overboard” from cruise ships, 40 of them fatally, in the past decade.
Notice it doesn’t say “falling” overboard. The decks are huge and there are barriers. To get off the ship and into the water would take effort and intention, unless you were thrown (dragged, pulled). I hope the day isn’t coming when there are walls on the sides of ships so we can’t see the ocean, or security personnel stationed at intervals. What would happen to the romantic evening and the star gazing engaged in by sensible people? It is disturbing and tragic that people commit suicide, or get murdered this way, and some incidents have never been resolved, but people do these things elsewhere, more often and it can’t be screened for; no weapons were involved.
This is a realistic concern, and ship fires are investigated by a Safety Board. I remember the one on the Universe Explorer in 1997 because my son had just gotten off the ship in Seattle. It then went to Alaska, where a fire in the main laundry caused the death of 5 crewmembers due to smoke inhalation, God rest their souls in peace. Among fires the Board investigated, it found that the ships were not equipped with automatic smoke alarms that would sound locally in crew and passenger areas. This has been rectified.
There was another incident reported when a fire erupted “on a balcony of a private room” aboard a cruise ship. One person died after suffering a heart attack (related to the incident?) and 13 passengers suffered smoke inhalation. If it happened on a private balcony, it must have been … you tell me.
The average cruise ship now has 4,000 smoke detectors; 500 fire extinguishers; 6 miles of fire fighting hose; 5,000 sprinkler heads, 400 fire stations or hydrants and sufficient lifeboats and rafts for more than the number of individuals onboard, as well as 170 trained fire-fighting personnel.
There are also emergency and medical crews “only a few hundred feet from any possible incident … [with an] average response time in an emergency … [of] a matter of minutes.” I witnessed this happen when a woman overturned her husband who was in a wheel chair, an unfortunate incident that might be reported as a “cruise ship accident”, but certainly can’t be blamed on the cruise ship or even to motion. We were still in the harbor.
The Coast Guard inspects each ship yearly, including “hull structure, watertight integrity, structural requirements to minimize fire hazards, equipment requirements for lifesaving, firefighting, and vessel control, and requirements pertaining to the safe navigation of the ship. All cruise ships must also meet standards of the International Maritime Organization and the International Convention for Safety of Life at Sea.
According to the Cruise Line Coalition ( http://www.cruisedirectonline.com/cruiseshipsafety.htm ), “sanitation standards on cruise ships far exceed those of any land-based facility”. Sanitation is regulated by the industry and also the U.S. Public Health Service's Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). The CDC conducts unannounced inspections of “fresh and drinking water, spa and pool systems, food storage, preparation and service areas, general hygiene, and waste management equipment and facilities,” and ratings are given by the CDC's Vessel Sanitation Program.
Personally, while cruising, I’ve witnessed some accidents. All involved men, liquor and willful defying of rules; or unsupervised teenagers, also drunk. We were all delighted when a teenager was caught dealing drugs aboard one ship, and the Captain deposited him and his family on the next Island presumably letting them find their own way back home. A woman had a heart attack at dinner and died. A woman overdosed on prescription medication when we were in port, and was rushed to a hospital. A woman broke her ankle after renting a motor scooter in Mexico. The scooter had defective brakes which must be why the ship specifically warns you not to do this.
A rational analysis – admittedly my opinion – barring malfunctions like the steering mechanism, which are admittedly rare (or they wouldn’t be so newsworthy), a cruise ship is a safe place to be. Unless you’re drunk and irresponsible, which would certainly contribute to the sexual assaults as well. They aren’t likely to occur in public.
A similar event (ship rolling) evidently ocurred in February, this time the ship turning to shore because a passenger had had a heart attack.
Lastly, again, our condolences to those involved in this incident, with thoughts and prayers for their recovery.
Susan is the author of "How to Get to Present on a Cruise" and other ebooks on emotional intelligence, and How to Deal with Difficult People, an interactive online course that's changing lives.
TESTIMONIAL: "This last lesson was the best yet. It's really helping me." Andrea in the UK
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Wednesday, July 19, 2006
WHAT THEY DO WHEN THEY AREN'T SWINGING IN THE TREES
Unbelievable. Chimp plays Ms. Pac Man. *
Notice how his teacher teaches him emotions there at the end - - showing him when and how to celebrate. Like your mother did (if she was a good one), she sticks her face in his and makes the right expressions and noises, shows him what to do with his arms, and keeps him totally engaged by eye contact. She is teaching him what humans do and what noises they make when they’re celebrating (just like your mom did).
If by chance you had a depressed mother, she would have taught you the sights and sounds of depression, and there may be some happiness links missing in the limbic brain. Depressed mothers do not look in their baby’s eyes or engage very often. When they do, there’s little limbic connection. The baby is raised more in emotional isolation, though may be well fed and cared for otherwise. There is mounting evidence this is one thing that proposes a person to addictions later in life. (Roughly speaking, happiness makes dopamine, and there are drugs that make dopamine.) If you get yourself around someone happy, watch Laurel & Hardy or something, it is possible you can add some of those links, as the brain remains malleable as to neuron formations throughout the lifespan - - IF it is given input.
*msn.com said today that meth is our biggest drug problem and it delivers a big load of dopamine …
Neurologists say now that “the brain = input.” Understand like any other new-brain-learning, this won’t be the comfort zone. That’s OK. Learning something totally new, for which there is no existing infrastructure is one of the best things you can do for yourself at midlife.
When he’s playing, he has the same look in his eyes I see on people’s faces, don’t you? (We love our computers!) Wish they’d shown his face when he lost or won. We know about their incredible dexterity. Much better than ours, isn’t it?
* OR CUT AND PASTE:
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
WHEN YOUR HEART ACHES
When I was a child, my Dad read me the story of "Heidi," by Johanna Spyri. I doubt there were many illustrations in the book, but the pictures in my own mind were vivid. Heidi was my age, I was sure, and lived with Grandfather in the Alps. There were goats. Then she had to go live in the city. She "pined" for Grandfather and grew sick and finally a doctor said it was because she missed Grandfather and the mountains, and she needed to back.
The best cover illustration of "Heidi" is this one. It captures what Heidi was pining for.
We can miss and pine for people, places, things or ideas/beliefs.
PINING FOR HOMELAND
Rachmaninoff's music reflects his deep longing to return to his
homeland, Russia. Stravinsky also pined for his homeland and former circumstances, being so poor at one point, he agreed to compose music for Barnum and Bailey for the circus.
PINING FOR IDEAS
We can miss mountains and also mountains to climb. Ray Garrett, Jr.
reached the top of his law career, then went to serve as Chairman of the SEC, where he turned around the stock market it its biggest decline since the Depression, deregulating commissions in 1970. That having been accomplished, he resigned, went back to his hometown, and died about a year later.
"Pining" is an old word that isn't used much any more. It's too bad because we have lost the word that best defines that feeling when we lose something of great value, something which we suffer without. It comes from Old English “pinian” which is from the Latin “poena”, punishment. It means to lose vigor, health or flesh (as through grief); to languish; to yearn intensely and persistently especially for something unattainable.
“Languish” is another old word. It means drooping or flagging from or as if from exhaustion; weak; heavy; lacking vigor or force.
Languid from an aching heart is not "as if", it is "because of." Grief brings a host of chemical and hormonal changes, that bring an exhaustion as real as the results of a 2 mile run, only without the good feelings. The slumped shoulders, the sunken eyes, the sighs all attest to the fact that the loss of something emotionally important is a physiological event for us humans.
PINING FOR PEOPLE
Doctors finally had to come up with a name to describe an ER scenario -
- an individual would come in with all the signs (and symptoms) of a heart attack, but some of the chemistry was different, they had no signs of prior heart disease, they recovered well usually with no harm done, and, it turned out, had just suffered the loss of someone they loved, or a shock of that sort.
Sometimes with a long-married couple, when one dies, the other follows shortly thereafter.
PINING FOR THINGS
We can feel a pang of grief over the loss of something like a car - if it is stolen for instance, but that's replaceable. We will feel it more strongly when it's something like our photographs. We also pine when we lose our wealth, because there are a lot of changes around that. The more you define yourself by what you have, the more you will suffer when you lose things.
One reason we take it so hard, and pine, is because a loss has a domino effect. When your husband has an affair and you divorce, you lose him, but many other things as well. Perhaps your house, some friends, maybe even your job and community if you must move.
PINING FOR "FOREVER AFTER"
When we are betrayed by our spouse, we lose something else very precious - our beliefs. What we thought the world and people are like, and our ideas of what might happen to us. We may come fact-to-face for the first time that bad things happen to good people (like us), that people don't keep their word or mean what they say, and that you can't count on what you thought you could. Betrayal is hard to deal with because it hits us in our core beliefs.
Being able to bounce back from loss, defeat, rejection and betrayal requires dealing with some of these issues. It may come down to, "Can I live in a world where - - where a wife cheats on her husband, where a trusted employee steals from you, where your beloved daughter marries against your will and, you fear, is going to trash her life… We realize there are some very important things we cannot control.
Resilience, an emotional intelligence competency, is about bouncing back - sooner or later - with enthusiasm and hope. It means learning the lesson, but not OVER-learning it. We do have losses, rejections and defeats; but not always and hopefully not too often. We do lose people we love; the pain we feel afterward is the price we pay for the love we enjoyed.
Resilience means bolstering yourself against the negative emotions so you can enjoy the positive ones. When we stuff down one emotion, we stuff them all down. You can stay safe, of course, not investing in anyone or anything, but what kind of life is that?
Part of Resilience is turning your face back to the sun and owning all the things you have to be grateful for. There are other skills, and it can be learned. Develop your emotional intelligence because it's like building muscle, muscle that you will need if you intend to have a long, full life.
Intentionality, BTW, is another emotional intelligence competency.
To learn more take THE EQ COURSE, just $99.00. For coaching, mailto:email@example.com or call 210-496-0678.
g8 SUMMIT BODY LANGUAGE
Where 90% of what you're saying, ain't coming out of your mouth.
Check out the bbc's special on nonverbal communication at the Summit
Commentary by NV expert Dr. Peter Bull of York Univ.
Yes, Blair does seem worried about things back home ... OOPS! Big mistake there to assume we know what someone is worried about.
As a student in my Difficult People class just wrote - - "I have often been misjudged about what I was thinking or feeling because someone assumed because I was "mad" that I was mad at them.
Blair looks preoccupied. But how do we know what he is preoccupied about? That's quite a leap to say what it might be.
It would be hard to refute that Chancellor Merkel is fond of Bush, or positive toward him. I don't agree with the read on Bush in that photo though. I don't agree that his facial expression looks "masterful." What do you think. Share your thoughts.
Being able to read nonverbal communication is part of EQ and one of the mistakes people make along the way is to leap quickly to conclusions as to the origin of the emotion they see or sense.
It takes practice to learn to read nonverbal communication at the conscious (useful) level. It's for sure you are picking it up, but if you're not mindful about it, it can actually work against you. You might just pick up someone's fear (it's contagious you know), or be uneasy and not know why, perceive it as nervousness about yourself, and it would throw off your performance.
It pays to know what's going on. If you aren't aware and mindful about NV cues, you can't use the information, you may misread it, and you can't manage its effect on you.
The first step is to become aware of other people's NV communication. Once you learn to read nonverbal communication, then you need to think about the source of what you're perceiving. It's typical to sense someone else is mad and assume it's about you ... or things back home ... or about your project. Real NV experts check it out. It could be indigestion making them look that way.
YOU: "Hmm, I'm sensing you aren't crazy about this project..."
THEM: "On the contrary, I'm quite enthusiastic about it, but I have a pebble in my shoe."
Learn more about EQ by taking the
EQ COURSE. You have nothing to lose but being lost, out of it, confused, and clueless.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
QUESTION: DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE FUTURE VICTIM OF MOBBING & BULLYING?
One thing that makes it more likely is if he turns out to be exceptional at something.
Many victims of mobbing and bullying stand out in some way that threatens others. They are often the best workers, conscientious, and dedicated to their work. Just the kind of employee you don't want to lose, if you're a manager or business owner. And just the sort of person -- if you're the victim -- least likely to understand why.
ANSWER: YES, BECAUSE HE GREW UP TO BE THE ONLY SENIOR RANKING MALE FIGURE SKATER CAPABLE OF EXECUTING THE BIELLMANN SPIN.
Here is a photo of him doing the Biellmann Spin.
Yes, it's the trademark of Evgeni Plushenko, World Champion Russian skater.
When Evgeni Plushenko saw a girl performing the spin, he was determined to learn how to do it. It is the most difficult feat for a male skater, but Evgeni is exceptionally limber.
Other skaters would pick on him when he was practising it, and make him cry, his coach, Alexei Mishin said. They would "bop him on the forehead with their fingers and tell him to stop. The other skaters were jealous of him"
Everyone should have a coach like Mishin, because that's what coaches are for.
Now take a look at the results -- this video is very popular with the ladies, and you can see that Evgeni is still giving them flowers. He doesn't do the Biellmann Spin, but you won't care!
EVGENI PLUSHENKO, Russian World Champion Skater
# 2006 Olympic Champion
# Three time World Champion
# Five time European Champion
# Olympic Games Silver Medalist 2002!
# Seven time Russian National Champion!
# Since 1996 he won 52 Gold Medals!
# Since 1998 he received 75 times the perfect mark 6.0!
# He made figure skating history with a 4-3-3 jump combination!!
For help with mobbing or bullying, email Susan at firstname.lastname@example.org . Services provided for individuals being mobbed or witnessing it, employers who want to establish an EQ-workplace, attract the best and keep them, and lessen risk, and coaches who want to be trained in this area.
Mobbing is the schoolyard bully grown up, physically, but still mentally and emotionally a child. There are certain traits that make it more likely a person will be the victim, including, as mentioned above, being a conscientious worker.
It is devastating to self-esteem, extremely stressful, and difficult to deal with once it gets started. Find out more in my ebook, MOBBING & BULLYING: What It Is, What You Can Do About It.
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We teach applications so that you will know how to coach business, professional, personal, relationships, or to apply coaching excellence to a specialty of your own choice.
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Friday, July 14, 2006
YOU LOSE YOUR TEMPER, YOU LOSE.
"Zidane's career ends in disgrace," says the British announcer.
Zidane says "the guilty party is the one who provokes."
Interesting idea ... believed in some cultures, not in others. This idea of "he had it coming"? Reminds me of CELL BLOCK TANGO from Chicago.
In Italy, it isn't sexual harassment if it was spontaneous. In some countries, a man can kill his adulterous wife (la provocateur) ... after all, she had it coming. In some countries, only if the incident occurs in the man's own house.
WHAT WAS SAID? - An interesting point of honor that neither man will say. It's also rather disconcerting (as to "witnesses") that the lipreaders disagree completely.
What was said (according to Italian lipreader): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2Qxixh6_mA
Other lip-readers have said Materazzi called Zidane a terrorist or insulted his mother or sister.
Materazzi denies these claims too, says it was just the usual type of insult.
“For me, the mother is sacred, you know that,” Materazzi told the newspaper.
THE PRESIDENT OF FRANCE SPEAKS
"His gesture was not acceptable," Chirac said in a speech on France's national holiday, Bastille Day. "That is obvious. He said so with great courage." (I don't understand that last sentence, do you?)
Zidane apologized to children on French television Wednesday (this is good EQ modeling for the children), but said he did not regret the incident because Materazzi had insulted his mother and sister (I don't think that's a very good model).
"I didn't say anything to him about racism, religion or politics," Materazzi said. "I didn't talk about his mother, either. I lost my mother when I was 15 and even now I still get emotional talking about her."
Zidane, who retired after his 108th appearance for France, stressed that he felt no regret about his outburst "because that would mean (Materazzi) was right to say all that." "My act is not forgivable," Zidane said. "But they must also punish the true guilty party, and the guilty party is the one who provokes."
Tension release: http://www.corriere.it/Media/Foto/2006/07_Luglio/10/zidane.swf
The headbutt: http://www.youtube.com/v/bLTFuOx9CN8
Interview Kaka & Materazzi, Coke or Pepsi? Cute: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chEAfWv_pHo&search=materazzi
Who says men aren't emotional? And the comments under the videos are equally emotional.
One thing for sure, IF YOU LOSE YOUR COOL, YOU LOSE. You get a red card in life, too.
There's a video going around of the incident as the Germans saw it (neutral), as the French saw it (Materazzi walks into a lamppost), as the US saw it (terrorist attack from underground hideaway on field), and as seen in Hong Kong (martial arts).
Which is to say, the interpretation is in the eyes of the beholder.
As an experiment, I sent the video to three (3) men.
#1 - Giacomo, US, of Italian origin, over 50, politics unknown. I could not predict his reaction.
#2 - Nick, US, 34 y.o. businessman, Bush fan, fan of war, high EQ. I felt he would not attack me, and would somehow defend the US war.
#3 - Gerald, US, 62 y.o. Vietnam vet, staunch patriot, defender of war, fan of Bush, rigid personality. I predicted he would get mad about the "insult" to the US, and mad at me for sending it to him, and that he would assume I was anti-war to have sent the video, and would faily to mention soccer at all.
#1 - Giacomo's reaction? Hidden. Italy is on the line here and he wasn't going there. It may have been Italian furbo, (trickery), but there is also the Italian garbo and garbo is what I got. Relentlessl, gracious politeness. He "thanked me most kindly" for "brightening [his] day with a video" and wished me and my family well. Outcome - I revealed something, he did not; he made me feel good, I 'made' him feel nothing. Put this man at the negotiating table and put a big gold star on his lapel. Great skill to have in your EQ repertoire. If he felt provoked, he did not react overtly, not agreeing w/ Zidane that a perceived provocation demands a specific reaction.
#2 - Nick. Managed to defend the US without attacking me or anyone else. Went to what we call in the DIFFICULT PEOPLE COURSE "the computer mode." Clever and intellectual email back full of "If one takes something so seriously ... the custom appears to be ... I can see how someone might ..." An unassailable position. Gold stars here, too.
#3 - Gerald, ah the vulnerability of a rigid person ... to be so predictable. Over-reactive, highly emotional response. The sort of thing stereotypically we would expect from ... a woman.
SENSE OF HUMOR
Most people see the video as funny, humorous. I thought it was very clever.
We talk in THE DIFFICULT PEOPLE COURSE about people who have no sense of humor. To have a sense of humor re: this video, for instance, you must take distance, lose your nationality, lose your need to be "right", and your notion that YOU possess the truth and saw what really happened (and the others did not). It's META, after all, and no one gets off the hook, though the US comes off the worst. It's a philosophical statement that there is witness bias, and everyone has it, and everyone knows what everyone else's bias is. And so you laugh.
Unless you take the bait.
If you assume you know how I feel about the incident, or about world politics, you are assuming, because I haven't said. It isn't important. This is about EQ and this is a perfect example.
Zidane lost his cool. He let himself get angered over Materazzi's comment. (Kudos to the ref who called it like he saw it, having to set aside the fact that this was Zidane's last game.) When we lose ourself to anger, we can do something harmful to ourself or others. Men are just as emotional as women, they just handle it differently. (See Anger Kills, says Dr. Williams, and he asks the men in his support group for men who have had their first heart attack, when they get angry, to rate what has happened and ask themselves, "Is this incident worth another heart attack?"
Watching the video reminds me of an incident ... a high school football star here in Texas who head-butted someone in a game, shattered the bones in his neck, and instantly became a paraplegic. For the rest of his life he will require surgery, therapy, medication, and around-the-clock attendants as he cannot perform even basic bodily functions. And the loss ... He wasn't angry, he was just playing football and in the "heat of the game" forgot the rules: a headbutt is potentially dangerous to either party.
Zidane was angry and forgot the rules "in the heat of the game". One rule: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me." The other rule: when you get angry, you can't think and you use poor judgment.
Gerald, above, is fighting mad over an idea (patriotism, religiosity), a high-level emotion, driven by thoughts and beliefs.
No one can insult you unless you agree to it. Insult your mother? Why is that so very provocative? Limbic, I guess. Males protecting females and family.
Complicated subject. Great examples of emotional intelligence and lack thereof.
Take the DIFFICULT PEOPLE COURSE and learn how to deal with the Materazzi's on your playing field.
P. S. Take care of your goat. Don't let someone get it.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Latest study confirms 7-8 hours/ night is the magic number.
There’s new evidence that too little sleep leads to weight gain.
Watch the play of the hormones ... From article called “Lack of Sleep Can Pack on the Pounds,” by Alan Mozes, HealthDay
Researchers are finding incontrovertible evidence that too little sleep leads to obesity.
Too little sleep, levels of the hormone leptin DECREASE. This hormone makes us feel satiated (not hungry).
At the same time, levels of the hormone ghrelin, which sparks hunger, INCREASE -- prompting cravings for candy, cookies and cake.
Too little sleep, and the hormonal and metabolic profiles begin to resemble people who are pre-diabetic, while bringing about autonomic changes that can be related to the development of cardiovascular disease.
How are we sleeping?
· 70+% of adults over the age of 18 get less than eight hours of sleep a night on weekdays –
· 40% get less than seven hours.
· Adults between the ages of 18 and 54 sleep just 6.7 hours a night during the week, and seven hours a night on weekends.
· Adults aged 55 to 84 -- 13 percent sleep less than six hours a night during the week, while 11 percent have a similar sleep pattern on weekends.
"Between seven and eight hours seems to be a fairly magical number for sleep duration," said Dr. Phyllis Zee. "People who report, on average, getting between seven and eight hours of sleep are the ones who appear to have the lowest risk" of weight gain.
To read the whole article, go HERE.
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It has just been announced that the remains of the castrato, Farinelli have been exhumed so scientists can study what made the voices of the castrati (besides castration, that is).
Born Carlo Broschi in 1705, but known as Farinelli, he is the man who cured the King of Spain of his depression by singing to him.
Farinell’s stage career lasted from 1720 to 1737. At the height of the popularity of the castrati, he was one of the most famous.
The best castrati were as rich and famous as a rock star today. You can read more about him on the Club Vivo Per Lei/I Live for Music website.
The castrati (that’s the plural) were boys who were castrated before puberty to preserve the purity and sweetness of the little boy voice. If you’ve listened to Boys’ Choirs you know there is nothing quite like that sound. Watch this video, a scene from The Great Caruso, with Mario Lanza, where Caruso is singing with a boys’ choir. Alas, it is the dubbed voice of a soprano, but a beautiful scene still, and the most beautiful song ever written.
Of course you can’t tell what little boy will grow up to have a singing voice, particularly one good enough for the Sistine Chapel choir, so mistakes were made. Parents were tempted to do it, however, as life was hard, and such a career could provide money.
With voices frozen in time, they went on to develop a huge lung capacity, giving the voice a special quality. They were often quite large and sometimes fat. An unfortunate analogy is to the ox (a castrated bull), which is generally bigger and stronger than a bull, with more endurance.
Farinellli was no mistake. He was beautiful in appearance and his voice was truly exceptional by reports made at the time. He reputedly had a range of more than 3 ½ octaves, could sing 250 notes in a single breath, and sustain a note for more than a minute. Here, in the movie, Farinelli, you see him do this, wearing the famous mask. (Or go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8t_WySo414 )
The castrati were so skilled, their music cannot be sung today. In this clip you see the soprano Vivica Genaux singing the aria Farinell’s brother, Riccardo Broschi wrote for him. Do take a look at it and observe the machinations she must do with her mouth and face to perform this music. (Yes, it’s out-of-synch.) (Or go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcFLh9t4RJY )
WHAT MAKES SUCH A VOICE?
What are they likely to discover?
Well, it’s true that anatomy is destiny. We have no tiny opera singers of note (you should pardon the expression), and a barrel chest in both genders seems to prevail.
The personal physician of Enrico Caruso (1873 – 1921), perhaps the greatest tenor who ever lived, noted some important things about Caruso’s anatomy. The Great Caruso, as he was known, virtually made the brand new phonograph industry by agreeing to be recorded. He came from an impoverished background in Napoli, Italy, that allowed for little development of his singing skill beyond church choirs; however, little was needed.
His London throat specialist, Dr. William Lloyd, noted that Caruso’s vocal tube (distance from front teeth to vocal chords) was ½” longer than any tenor’s he’d seen; his vocal chords were at least 1/8th” longer (every little bit makes a difference); he had the usual tremendous lung capacity of the great opera singers, able to sustain a note for more than 40 seconds; and as to deep breathing, he could expand his chest and push a piano a couple of inches along a carpet with his chest.
The voice? When Caruso showed up to audition for Puccini himself, for a role in La Boheme, the astonished Puccini blurted out, “Who sent you to me? God himself?”
You will probably agree. Original recordings of Caruso are available here. Enjoy!(Click here: http://www.archive.org/details/Caruso_part1 )
It is natural to want to know more about these heavenly voices, which please us, and may even heal us. When Farinelli was 32, the wife of King Philip V of Spain called him to the court where it is said that he sang the same 4 songs to the King each night, and cured (or helped cure, or ameliorated) the King’s depression (or schizophrenia, or “ailmen”). “Music hath charms to soothe the savage breast,” wrote Congreve. (It is King Philip V who got the Pope to ban bullfighting in Spain, no small feat since the Catholic Church at the time had the biggest and best bull-breeding farms.)
What did Farinell’s voice sound like? We do not know. Dr. Nicholas Clapton, who is an expert on the castrati and has an outstanding voice himself (this one is my favorites of his), wrote us at Club Vivo in personal communication: [Farinelli’s voice in the movie] was “achieved by the electronic synthesis of the voice of a colleague of [Clapton’s], Derek Lee Ragin, and a female soprano.” Clapton has played Farinelli several times in various stage performances and you can hear his beautiful voice in clips on his website: http://www.nicholasclapton.com.
THE PLEASURE OF MUSIC
There are many theories why music heals. One is that the vibrations of the human voice can be perceived by parts of the body corresponding to pressure points used in acupuncture. We also know that music goes directly to the deep pleasure centers of the brain (along with sex and eating), and as such is deeply satisfying. "Music produces a kind of pleasure which human nature cannot do without.,” said Confucius. It evidently even supports the immune system, which is our health. Read more about the healing properties of music on Club Vivo Per Lei.
The castrati choirs were eventually banned by the Catholic Church though they were part of the Vatican’s Sistine Chapel until as late as 1903. Of course music at that time was closely aligned with the church, and when Farinelli finally retired, he turned to the spiritual life, helping families in need, organizing concerts to benefit orphans, and giving away all his belongings to relatives and servants who had cared for him before his death.
The last surviving castrato was Alessandro Moreschi, who sang in the Sistine Chapel, and left some recordings from around 1903. You can hear one here. Critics disagree upon the quality of his voice; however, the recordings are poor, and it must be kept in mind that in his youth, there were no longer any teachers capable of teaching the castrati. (Never underestimate the effect of these wonderful unsung teachers. See out section on TEACHERS on Club Vivo; and re: Farinell's teacher, Porpora.)
You can order a Farinelli poster here: : http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109771/posters .
Castrated around the age of 8, in a barbaric practice designed to fill the choir loft at the Vatican, he was left with a beautiful and innocent voice, frozen in time. Years of training with Porpora, probably the best music teacher of all time, it became something quite exceptional.
“Touch the heart,” he tells his brother in the movie. “Find the true essential feeling. I want your music to rouse the fragment of the infinite that sleeps in their stomachs.”
One reason we turn to music is to express the true essential feelings for which there are no words. I had such feelings when I read of the exhumation.
Ah well, he is not there. He has long been off singing to the angels, I’m sure, or even to god himself, having done his work here on earth; the same god who sent Caruso to Puccini, and all the beautiful singers and gifted composers to us here on earth, to be there for us when we need them.
“There is no feeling, except the extremes of fear, and grief, that does not find relief in music.” -- George Eliot
Susan Dunn, Coach, mailto:email@example.com . Founder of Club Vivo Per Lei / I Live for Music, dedicated to Dr. John Alifano. We invite you to join. It’s fr**.
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Tuesday, July 11, 2006
A big win for the Italians, and they deserved it.
Part of their ploy was what the Italians call furbo. It means being foxy, savvy, smart, wily. It's a compliment.
It's common in sports and well known that if you can "get" the opponent you can beat them. One way to do this is to grunt on the tennis serve - I watched this destroy a teen-aged opponent. You can also lob to the baseline and let the other person make the mistake...chat with the batter ... lots of ways.
In this article from bbc, How rife is taunting in football? By Richard Hookham we see how it Marco Materazzi's furbo (deliberate incitement) worked on Zinedine Zidane, who succumbed to what the Brits call "sledging."
"In Italy, winding up an opponent is part and parcel of the game and a basic way of trying to get one up on your opposite number," says Mark Hateley , former AC Milan striker. He says it's considered a "fundamental and legitimate way of gaining an advantage."
Same deal in the workplace, folks ... at the negotiating table, in a meeting ... on a date ...
The defense particularly [tries to] get a reaction from you," says Hately. "It's always been like that and it always will be."
He says another example might be throwing balls around and having one "accidentally" hit an opponent. It's par for the course on the "football" field -- worldwide -- because it works.
- If someone has a temperament problem you use it against them
Hately reiterated it's part of the game, and Italy deserved the win.
TAKE HOME POINTS:
How do you fare against the "wind-up merchants"? Are you known to be "overreactve" and people use it against you? This is considered part of the game, part of winning, whatever "game" you're in.
And ladies, this is second-nature to men. It comes up a lot dating. You will be tested. (Why, I don't know, except it's a guy thing.) If he can get your goat, he won't respect you and will move on, but not before calling you short, having cut off your legs (i.e., "You're too emotional") and not before sleeping with you, of course.
Take the "It's a Jungle Out There" course and learn how to handle difficult people. Be on the offense, or on the defense, but not just an "innocent" bystander who never knew what happened. We going over tactics point-by-point. Knowledge is power. You have to learn how to deal with Difficult People, including the WIND-UP MERCHANTS. Click HERE to register and start right away. [Testimonial: "I took a business psychology course in grad school and it didn't help at all. If I'd had you for a teacher, Susan, I'd have done a lot better."]
Get the Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women and get it figured out. We also offer dating coaching.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
INJURIES IN THE RUNNING OF THE BULLS IN PAMPLONA
Each year the annual Running of the Bulls in Pamplona (Spain), an event popularized worldwide by Ernest Heminway, attracts more visitors. They come form all over the world to run with the bulls down the streets of the town of Pamplona, from their pens to the bullfight arena holding pens.
The run is a matter of minutes, but some of the most dangerous minutes there are.
The bos Ibericus, the Spanish bulls bred for centuries for the bullfight are chosen for these characteristics, which made them deadly adversaries: agility, intelligence, courage, razor-sharp horns, and this quality which distinguishes them from other breeds -- they will charge anything that moves.
Participiants in the run are often injured, and recently a college engineering students was gored to death. He had lost 90% of the his blood before the crack Spanish medics could get him in the ambulance, and the best bull-gore surgeons in the world could do nothing for him in the hospital.
There are certain rules that can keep one safer, one of which is, if you're knocked down, don't get up. Stay still. Naive participants are at a severe disadvantage.
Here is a video of the run: http://www.247show.com/watch-videosonline.cfm/cid/29/sid/254
Read my white paper, "The Fight of YOur Life" about Zen, the running of the bulls, and EQ -- yes, it's an interesting combination, isn't it. For serious thinkers and transformationalists only. Click HERE to order. Just 11.99.
DO YOU KNOW HOW TO BLEND IN AT WORK AND STILL STAY FOXY AND SAFE?
EQ IS YOUR SWORD AND YOUR SHIELD. It is as helpful to know how to avoid being manipulated and unduly influenced, as it is to be able to do it when you choose to.
To learn more about this, take the IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE course - interactive on the Internet. Real how-to instructions. (email me and I'll send PayPal link or scroll down)
Guest Article today from my good friend, Bob Jerus:
THE TOP 10 KEYS TO RESIST INFLUENCE & MANIPULATION
People complain about buying things they didn't want or doing things against their better judgment. The keys lie in limiting the persuasion and influence power of others.
1. Have your own opinions and views
Influence expands to fill a vacuum. Without clearly defined ideas of your own, the opinions of others carry more weight.
2. Consider carefully how credible your source is.
Superficial characteristics (a good image, friendly smile...) make agreement easy. Consider the power you give away and manage it cautiously.
3. Share personal connection sparingly.
Feelings are more potent than logic. By sharing information, you grant others power. Indifference and vagueness conceal your hot buttons.
4. Listen with all your senses; seek confirmation.
See if all the information you have is consistent. Check and recheck. Allow time. Confirm opinions with objective, disinterested sources.
5. Don't allow yourself to be pressured and/or overwhelmed.
Abdicating decisions often leaves them to the persuader. Pressure and hard sell tactics can be limited by refusing undue pressure. Know the tactics of influence and recognize when they're being used.
6. Take time to think.
Decisions made in haste are repented in leisure. Don't be taken in by false claims of urgency and scarcity.
7. Don't be put on the spot.
A powerful tactic is to engage the pressure of the moment and other people. Greater pressure, feelings of discomfort and awkwardness are most associated with undue influence and manipulation.
8. Understand the tools and techniques of power, influence and persuasion.
By relating to sales and the superficial tactics of persuaders, the proposition can be separated from the process.
9. Question 'proof.'
Verify claims. Realistically assess sources and claims. Consider accuracy and relevance.
10. Be realistic.
Consider the 'friendship' of a sales person with some skepticism. Wonder about inside information. Evaluate and judge both products and people.
(c)Robert G. Jerus, MBA; APC; MA; Certificate in Human Development & Learning Technologies; SPHR, Author, trainer, speaker, consultant, counselor, & coach, who can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org, or visited on the web. Robert G. Jerus wants you to know: as a student of human potential, I facilitate learners achieving their objectives through multidisciplinary, multi-sensory experiential tools.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Those Tortured Souls ...
We all know one or two, maybe someone quite close -- a partner? a grown child? yourself?
Some people seem to live large, feeling more, or at least feeling more deeply. Their lives are more full, though not necessarily in ways you might choose. These are the people who arrive on the scene when someone is in crisis -- they get fixed up for a blind date, and the guy is about to declare bankruptcy or has just lost his wife to cancer. They take on a new job and the boss is battling depression. Their own lives usually have some incredible tragedy. They do not live on the surface of things.
Suffering opens us up to others' suffering, of course.
One of the Laws of Emotions is that if you refuse to deal with one emotion, you tamp them all down. If you refuse to suffer and grieve, for yourself, or for and with those around you, you will miss the upside -- the ability to experience deep joy.
And at times the two will be fused, difficult to tease apart. If you have had only a 'golden life' (has anyone?), you cannot know the full range of feelings in the human experience. Knowing this, of course, is not for everyone.
I'm reminded of Nancy Fenn (TheIntrovertzCoach) comment that the inFP (Myers Briggs) has to learn "serve or suffer."
I have watched 2 people over the past year with this sort of Plutonic aspect to their lives turn a corner, leaving behind "selfish" concerns and getting back to what it seems they were meant to do -- serve others.
One was a doctor who hasn't had good marriages. It seems he expects too much in an individual relationship, and gives better to "all," like his patients -- a collective thing, not individuals. Starting with Vietnam, he has dealt with death and suffering on a daily basis. You might say it's his experience, his comfort zone and his area of expertise. He is not overly familiar with elation and joy. Is that "the way it's supposed to be"? It depends. Do we need doctors like that? Definitely.
Another is a naturally giving woman whose life circumstances became very narrow for a time. She withdrew from community with others, and became withholding, critical and judgmental. She seemed to demand of everyone something they would then be resistent to give, usually demanding some sort of personality change in them in exchange for her condescension. Recently for some reason I don't know, she began to give again, and she herself is expanding again. In her case, the giving is in accepting others, not being critical; in lowering the drawbridge so others can come across. It appears to be her lot in life to be the giver not the taker, in the grand scheme of things.
There is no general prescription of course. One person's selfishness is another person's vested self-interest. One person's suffering is another person's masochism. One person's acceptance is another person's lack of discrimination. One person's lonely single life is another person's basecamp for a daily life of service to the general good. One person's connectedness is another person's superficiality.
Franz Werfel was a Czech-born Jew and an author, who escaped from the Nazis; someone who had much experience in living and in suffering. His themes were religious faith, heroism, and human brotherhood.
Werfel’s best-known works include The Forty Days of Musa Dagh (1933), a classic historical novel that portrays Armenian resistance to the Turks, and The Song of Bernadette (1941). In re: the latter, when he escaped the Nazis, he found regude in the town of Lourdes and promised to "sing the song" of Saint Bernadette if he ever reached his haven -- the U. S.
These lines are from his Theologumena:
“God speaks only to the oldest souls, the ones most experienced in living and suffering. ‘You shall belong to no-one and to nothing, to no party, to no majority, to no minority, to no society except in that it serves me at my altar. You shall not belong to your parents, nor to your wife and children, nor to your brothers and sisters, nor to them who speak your language, nor to those who speak any other — and least of all to thine own self. You shall belong only to me in this world.”
If these lines are for you, you will know.
Take THE EQ COURSE(c) and learn more. On the internet, interactive.
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Friday, July 07, 2006
SUDOKU – have you played it yet?
Sudoku is sweeping the world.
Everyone loves to play Sudoku.
La tua risorsa per puzzle di Sudoku gratuity. A sua fonte para puzzles Sudoku gratuitos. Deine Quelle für kostenlose Sudoku Puzzles. Votre fournisseur de grilles Sudoku gratuites. FIND SUDOKU PUZZLES FREE HERE.
Have you played Sudoku yet? It’s a logic based puzzle like a crossword puzzle only with numbers. "Sudoku" means "the digits must remain single" in Japanese.
The game wasn't invented by the Japanese, it started in Indianapolis, but it was the Japanese Puzzle publisher Nikoli that made it so popular. It was around before 1900.
The game is a simple graph of squares, nine squares by nine Squares which is divided into 9 3x3 squares or regions. You place single digits, 1-9, in the squares, but each region, each diagonal row, each horizontal row, and each vertical row of squares must contain one of each of the nine digits only one time. Actually it's like that circle the word game we all played as kids.
When you begin the Sudoku it will have some numbers already entered that are called "givens" or "clues."
It's hard to describe, so take a look at it here and start playing. You can even put one on your website, ezine or blog.
You can play it online here: http://www.sudoku-puzzles.net
Does it take EQ to play Sudoku? Well, patience, that's for sure. But I know it builds resilience. It's learning of a new type for most of us, and that's always good for the brain and cognitive reserve. The older you are, the more you should be playing it! Give it a try.
Everyone seems to love to play Sudoku.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Peggy Noonan, such a deep thinker, compassionate human, and great writer put it to us -- that Kenneth Lay died of a broken heart. The gist of her article was that we are all human, we make mistakes, we all need a second chance (a 5th, a 100th), and that that is no longer possible in today's world.
There is no place to run, no place to hide.
Someone said to me what a travesty it was that he never served time, "and all those people lost their money." Goodness. Is death not a high enough price to pay?
Of course being in the field of emotional intelligence (EQ), what I first thought of when I read about Lay was stress cardiomyopathy -- a syndrome commonly called "Broken Heart Syndrome," which occurs after a shock, loss, or tragedy. Individuals show up in the ER with all the symptoms of a heart attack, though there is no former heart pathology. They recover without effect.
Lay, evidently, had heart disease before, according to the autopsy. And his stress was long-term, chronic.
Our emotions do effect our health. There is, in reality, no mind-body split. 5 minutes of anger can suppress the immune system for up to 6 hours, and our immune system is our health.
Depression causes heart disease. Type D personality (anxious and depressed) is the most prone to heart disease.
Heart disease. The condition of the decade. The human condition?
For reasons hopefully not as extreme or anti-social as Lay's, we often have to reinvent ourselves during our lifetimes. While we can't run, and can't hide, we can lose major sources of our identity -- a spouse or a child dies, we lose our career, or retire. We feel "lost."
Study EQ with me and learn more. Your health is at stake -- physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.
“Resilience . . . and how often we find solace through the arts, or are driven to the arts for solace, or seek solace in the arts, or all of these, it doesn’t matter. It is both our sword and our shield, doing for the composer what it does for the audience. Music expresses what we cannot put into words, or hope we never have to put into words. Tristan und Isolde is not about the love of Tristan for Isolde. It is not about the love of a man and a woman. It is about the yearning for love you cannot have (leibestod = death/love). Mendelssohn said music was better than words, not because it was vague, but because it was more precise.” -- Susan Dunn, Resilience: the eBook
Listen to Rodrigo's music music here: http://www.joaquin-rodrigo.com/concurso/eng/index_eng.htmlClick HERE to join Club Vivo Per Lei / I Live for Music and explore! Click HERE to visit Club Vivo.
At the age of 4
This is the anniversary of the death of Joaquin Rodrigo, a Spanish composer who died in 1999 at the age of 97.
He is considered one of the finest Spanish composers of this century.
He lost his eyesight as a child from a diphtheria epidemic. Later in life, without bitterness, Rodrigo would say that this personal tragedy probably nudged him towards a career in music.
He studied in Paris with Paul Dukas, and when there, met the Spanish composer Manuel de Falla, who encouraged him in his career. It was during the Spanish Civil War in the late 1930s that he composed his best known work, "Concierto de Aranjuez," for guitar and orchestra. It was named after the palace garden of Aranjuez, a famous site in Renaissance Spain. In 1991, he was nobilized by King Juan Carlos I and given the title 'Marquis de los jardines de Aranjuez'. He was later buried in this garden.
Rodrigo said: “In this life you can never be first in anything. I only inspire to be an improved Joaquin Rodrigo.”
Read below to find out about our top-rated EQ Coach/Trainer Certification Program. Unique, comprehensive, affordable, and arranged to meet your needs and schedule. Sessions held nights and weekends, totally long-distance, individualized to meet your goals.
Read more HERE.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach, offers the #1 rated EQ Coach or Trainer certification program available today, completely long-distance. We don't believe it's emotionally intelligent to spend your money traveling or paying for lodging when you can train in the comfort of your own home or office, at a time and place convenient to you. We know you're busy, so we have flexible hours -- day, night, weekends included.
We are unique in offering 100% individualized instruction. We know your needs and goals are unique, just as your experience, degrees, certifications and experience are unique. We offer complete training for personal and business coaching in EQ, preparation for presentations and seminars, full-service marketing, website design and launch assistance, business cards, article writing, ebook generation, PR instruction, and multiple multiple revenue streams.
You will receive instruction in administering the EQ-Map (r) and the EQ Alive! coaching and development plan for clients, available for licensing to jumpstart your own practice. We have all the tools you need to generate clients and sales, including ebooks and Internet courses you can license or customize, or affiliate to. By fall of 2006, we will offer CDs.
This program has been in place longer than most, and has a proven history. We have already trained and certified coaches, therapists, clergy, consultants, consultancies, physicians, trainers, HR personnel and teachers all over the US, Malaysia, India, Singapore, Beijing, the Phillipines, Trinidad, Australia, the UK, New Zealand, Scotland, Wales, and more. We are currently allied with a consultancy in India, preparing to have a presence in India and Malaysian where EQ is in high demand (as it is all over the world.)
We have certified coaches who work in corporations, educational institutions, and the church; who work with individuals in EQ, Wellness, Relationships, Leadership, Business, Career, Whole-Brain Thinking, Balanced Living, Transformation, Entrepreneurship, Resilience, Stress Management and more.
We design YOUR program for YOU. We offer a unified and consolidated theory of Emotional Intelligence that will work with any challenge any client every presents. We are unique in that we offer research-backed data, which makes this program easier to sell to corporations, business and individuals. Our material is empirically-backed.
Susan is a Proficient Coach with a background of 20 years in counseling, marketing and public relations. In addition she holds a master's degree in clinical psychology from the prestigious Trinity University, #1 in the Southwest. No program leader has this backgound in the human sciences and emotional intelligence, plus expertise in Internet marketing to assist you in what you really want -- a viable practice, local, national or international.
Susan's website is ranked in the top million, an exceptional feat, and she will instruct you how to get yours there. We offer a truly turnkey operation for you: certification, webdesign, SEOs, keywords, blogs, reciprocal links and all the resources to drive people to your website.
We offer a package you can't beat: Exceptional program, high-level and empirically backed, individual instruction and full marketing support at an affordable price, fast, simple and effective.
We invite you to look around and see if anyone can beat this.
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Coach testimony: "I found the EQ Alive! program to be transformational." -- Sue Johnson, Coach and Trainer
Monday, July 03, 2006
LOOKING FOR A LITTLE FREEDOM?
IF YOU DO NOT ASK, THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS NO
John wanted a particular week off this summer to attend a family reunion. It was particularly important to him for two reasons: for the first time, every single member of the family would be there, and it would be on Maui. He checked the office schedule and found that another member of his team had already booked the same time away. Disappointedly he told his family he could not attend. The answer he accepted was 'No'.
The truth was that the co-worker who booked that time off had chosen her week off at random. A simple request from John would have been all that was required for her to change her dates. What was going on here?
Our expectations in any relationship are based on history, on how things have worked in the past. Interestingly, we will even take someone else's history as evidence. Does this make sense? Sometimes, yes, and sometimes, no.
There are very few true 'laws'. People do not do the same things in the same ways with the same people in every case. Yet, often , we behave as though this is true. If it happened once, it will always happen! If it happened to someone, it will happen to me.
Sure, it makes sense to stay away from sharks. They usually attack and you look like food. As there is likely no good reason to approach a shark, there is no problem. What, though, if that shark had your daughter's arm in its mouth? You would likely take some action to get what you want.
The same is true at the office. When something is important to you and contributes to your well-being, it requires action. History may have told you that asking may be difficult, timing may be tricky and receiving may be unlikely, but, if you do not ask, the answer will always be 'No!".
It's true that we are most comfortable asking those folks we know least and those we know best for something we want. It's simply easiest! Folks unknown to you come with no expectation of outcome. Rejection from them is easier to handle. Folks you know well will either give you what you want or, at least, soften their refusal by taking care of the relationship. It's those in-between folks that are daunting.
When you ask someone for help, you are telling them that you believe they have the skills or experience to give you that help. Don't you feel good when someone asks for your help? Of course, we're not talking about those few folks who are always asking for it, those who are too lazy, too busy or too demanding.
You can enhance a relationship by asking for help. You open the relationship to become more reciprocal. That's a choice only you can determine is appropriate. If you do not want to be asked for something, best not ask yourself! But, if you do not ask, the answer is always "No!".
Some ways of approaching an issue are more productive than others. It's unlikely you'll get what you want by beginning with "I'm sure you'll say 'No', but..." You may have tried that one when you were a teen-ager. It didn't work well, did it?
First, be prepared. Be ready to ask clearly for what you want. Know why you want it. Be prepared with benefits to the listener for giving you what you are requesting. If possible, give them a plan that will work for them...and for you. When you do the work, you're more likely to get what you want.
Then, pick your moment carefully, then check. "I would like to discuss something with you. Is this a good time?" or "When would you have a few minutes free to discuss something?" If you are asking a supervisor or manager, they will likely want to know what the topic is. This is fair, however, how you answer is important. It can make all the difference between getting the meeting or not.
Phrase your issue broadly and positively . "I'd like to discuss the vacation schedule." rather than, "I need to talk to you about getting the dates I want for vacation." Give the overall topic, not your specific request. If pressed for specifics, again be positive, clear and brief.
JUST DO IT
Once in the meeting, first, thank them for their time. Give the benefits to the listener for giving you what you want, then ask. Ask clearly for exactly what you want. Do not apologize for your request. You have the right to ask as they have the right to refuse. Whatever the outcome, the relationship will shift slightly no matter who you ask for what! Be prepared.
You have probably heard the English proverb: 'Most things are lost for want of as king.' There is no need to lose anything for that reason. Simply ask. You may be surprised how easy this becomes with practice. Remember, though, if you do not ask, the answer is always 'No'. So ask!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Dr. Rhoberta Shaler is a 'people skills' expert--a [sic]international speaker, author, executive coach and founder of the Optimize! Institute in Escondido, CA. www.OptimizeInstitute.com Dr. Shaler works with organizations that know their people are their top resource and with leaders who know that building relationships is a top priority. She is the author of What You Pay Attention to Expands and Wrestling Rhinos: Conquering Conflict in the Wilds of Work as well as more than a dozen books and audio programs. Her books are currently in nine languages and her articles are published in more than 17,000 publications. Visit www.OptimizeInstitute.com Take the remarkably insightful core values profile and learn more about what motivates and inspires you and your colleagues at http://optimizeinstitute.com/shop/pvi1.htm. Use it to strengthen workplace teams.