How to Ace the Office Christmas party

OH NO! THE HOLIDAY OFFICE PARTY IS A SITDOWN DINNER!
Q: What's harder than knowing how to shine at the Christmas office party?
A: Knowing how to shine when it's a seated dinner.

The open-format Christmas office party is a piece of cake compared to a seated lunch or dinner. At a buffet-type function you can move around, which means you can disappear when you want to. You don't want to get caught hiding out in the ladies' room all night, but since you're free to move around, you can leave any person or group when you want, and even leave the room.

However, at the seated affair you are trapped. If it strikes fear in your heart, you aren't alone. Even for a pro, this isn't easy. Here are some tips:

IT ISN'T A PARTY

Never forget this. It may superficially appear different (new place, new people), but remember everything you say can and will be used against you.

You'll be seeing these people Monday morning. If you think it's hard to face a one-night stand after creeping out of her house in the middle of the night, wait till you have to face your boss Monday morning after getting sloppy drunk Saturday night and spilling your guts about some personal problem you can't handle. I mean how will (s)he expect you to be a competent Marketing Director when you were crying because your cat had died? I know the two things have nothing to do with one another, but your boss doesn't.

Think of the word "mortifying." No one needs to know about your hysterectomy, how well Viagra works for you, that your young wife left you, that you think the new manager stinks, or anything else about your personal life.

You simply are not free to say anything you want to.

FOLLOW THE LEADER

Once seated, you must watch the leader to know what to do. It can be the boss, or his or her spouse, whichever one is dominant. Watch what they're doing. Emily Post may say not to eat asparagus with your fingers, but if your boss' wife is, you really need to think about it. In most cases, I'd go ahead and do it along with her. If you don't, you're making a statement. It's that important what your boss and his or her partner do. Don't start to eat until they do. If they don't order dessert, you don't. Monkey see, monkey do.

CONVERSATION

General conversation while you're being seated will devolve into one conversation dominated by the boss at least for a while, often for the entire meal. Your job is to pay attention. If the boss, sometimes aided and abetted by a crony or colleague, starts in on a monologue, be an attentive audience. Look horrified if something bad happened, laugh if he tells a joke, maintain eye contact, be respectful. It can amount to a performance. It's almost always dominated by males.

FOOLS RUSH IN
There may be lulls in this monologue from the boss. Don't attempt to fill them if you're an amateur. Nowhere does the expression "fools rush in where angels fear to tread" apply more fully.

You don't know this side of your boss. You don't know her sense of humor, what annoys her, what her prejudices are, her religion, or any number of important things that you can step right into if you feel compelled to fill air time. Even the most innocent comment can get you in trouble because it's a very magnified situation - one person talking at a
time to the whole table. What you say will echo and reverberate, all the way to your next performance appraisal.

ETIQUETTE

Timing matters. No choice here. Arrive 15 minutes early and don't leave before everyone leaves.

Don't be the first to complain about anything. No matter how it appears to you, the company (boss) is putting on the affair, and criticisms will be taken personally. Don't send the meat back; don't complain about how hard the chairs are. You're a guest; be appreciative. Save face.

If the boss does complain about something, agree, but be milder about it. Never upstage. If he thinks the salmon is "atrocious," don't say, "I thought it was heavenly," or talk about a time when you got instantly ill with food poisoning over salmon one time. If he's got a big personality, he'll probably announce the salmon won't do and tell the waiter to take back everyone's. If it's more minor than that, say something like, "Yes, I think you're right, but isn't the risotto delicious?"

Conversation is the focus. Comments should never be made about what someone else is eating or isn't ("What's wrong Marcia? Don't you like the XX?") or doing. If someone knocks over their water glass, help them out surreptitiously, but keep the conversation going as if nothing had happened.

CROSS TALK

If the boss starts a conversation with the person on her side, you may do the same, but be prepared to cease if the boss takes the stage again.

Many people find this practice obnoxious, but the boss is "the presence," and it's their job to hold court. It's work and it's expected. Save any personal issues you may have about this for another time.

FISH BOWL

All of us know intuitively that the person who isn't nice to the waiter isn't a nice person at all. You are being watched.

BLEND

Match behaviors. Sedate, or rowdy, attempt to get with the spirit of the thing. Whatever personal idiosyncrasies you may have about food or spirits, keep it to yourself. No one wants to know that you're on a diet, lactose intolerant, in recovery, allergic to chocolate, or a vegan. Order or eat from what's available, without comment.

METALLIC? BLONG BLING?
What to wear? Office festive, which means a muted Christmas pin, scarf or tie, but don't be shouting "Christmas." Stay within the normal range for attire at your office adding only a 'nod' to the holidays. If you don't know the difference between "professional dress up" and "party attire," you're going to flunk. This is not a time for skins, latex, cleavage, a lot of hairy chest exposed, a jingle bell bracelet, or anything remotely approaching a "costume."

You may feel like Mrs. Santa or the Christmas Elf that night, but Monday morning you're going to be HR Director or Senior Accountant, and how can they respect you when they were staring at your exposed breasts across the table?

DON'T ENJOY YOURSELF
Sorry, it's one of the most stressful things you can go through. You are trapped for an hour or more of scrutiny, you have to think every moment, and you mustn't relax.

If you're new to this, observe others to know what to do, imitate the person you think is most savvy, and resist all urges to stand out in any way. There's nothing wrong with sitting there, smiling, and saying a little when spoken to. Observe with the intent of learning. Notice what goes over well and what doesn't, and make mental notes for the next time.

P.S. HOOK UP AFTERWARDS?

You gotta be kidding. You WORK with these people. The Holiday Office Party is 2nd only to New Year's Eve for doing something you'll seriously regret Monday morning around the water cooler.

Don't go there.

FOR INDIVIDUALIZED COACHING ON LIFE SKILLS, TRANSITION, EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, CAREER, PROFESSION, RETIREMENT, ETC. call me Susan Dunn at 1-817-734-1471. Reduced rates for the holidays for The EQ Course (tm) - just in time for your New Year's Resolutions. $99. email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and mention this offer.

Good Advice for Holiday Stress

Who do you want to be this holiday season? HOW do you want to be? Emotional Intelligence -- that's the key. Free coaching mini-sessions during the month of December. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc to schedule your time.

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Rx for Health , Dr. Susan E. AllenEagle-Tribune—

Several years ago, my husband and I and our college-age children gathered for Thanksgiving dinner around a big table in the home of out-of-state relatives. The details aren't vital, but what is important is that when the four of us left to drive home, we apparently couldn't wait to get in the car and let out a collective and negative "Ahhhhh!"

While the food was great, and we all had more than enough, the mood during the day had been very different from what we would have hoped for on this day of gratitude and thanks. We slipped into disappointment, negativity, even judgment.

We criticized one cousin for talking about himself the whole time, expressed anger at distasteful comments, and generally agreed that this was not a pleasant time for us.

I will always remember that Thanksgiving, and in the years since then, I have not been proud of my own reactions to it. In fact, some of those cousins, aunts and uncles present may well have been just as critical of our ways. This is not unusual among families. It doesn't take a professional to realize the heightened emotional energy that many of us feel at various family gatherings, including weddings, summer vacations, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Hanukkah. There is arguably nothing more predictable in the field of mental health than the stresses and emotional upheaval that arise every November and December.

As we get older, there are even more new challenges during the holidays. Aging parents. Parents or siblings who have died. New "significant others" in the lives of sons and daughters. Children who have grown and moved away and are not able to be at home for the holidays. Perhaps the pain of divorce or the energy of a newly blended family.

We are challenged over and over again to face difficult relationships along with the easier ones. We are challenged to engage with people who bring out the less likable parts of ourselves as well as those who bring out the best in us. We are challenged to seek reconciliation and acceptance, as well as to feel gratitude.

So, who do you want to be in your family this holiday season? Here are four steps to consider as you anticipate your holiday gatherings:

* Try to have realistic expectations. Marsha Linehan, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington, encourages "making friends with reality." Have realistic expectations of what can change and what cannot. This might include learning to live with hurt or pain, and even allowing it to be the catalyst for a transformation of some kind. Approaching a family event this way will likely lead to less disappointment and some nice surprises.

* Use your emotional intelligence. Notice your feelings and manage them in healthy ways. Our emotions give us good information about ourselves, but it's best not to act on all of them. Notice other people's emotions, too. Can you understand why they might feel the way they do? Can you experience both detachment and empathy in your relationships?

* Be values-based. What are your most important values? How are you acting on them or honoring them in your interactions and behaviors? As we get older, we are called to greater depth, integrity and honesty. When you look within, what is really important? Is your demeanor aligned with your core values?

* Lighten up. Is there a chance you can walk away from this year's family gathering and say, "Wow! That was so much fun!"? Think about what would need to happen for you to have those feelings. What steps can you take to make this a possibility? Imagine the even greater possibilities if you share these thoughts with others. Embrace the goal of making this holiday season even just a bit more enjoyable than you had anticipated.

Dr. Susan E. Allen is a life coach and licensed psychologist in Newburyport who specializes in the second half of life. To learn more, visit http://www.secondhalfcoaching.com/.