The Top 10 Things Your Say When You've Been Hijacked

The TOP TEN THINGS YOU SAY WHEN YOU'VE BEEN HIJACKED (When the reptilian brain takes over and you lose it)

What if you have contempt for your spouse

Emotions and attitudes can kill a marriage. According to researcher John Gottman, these are the 4 Horses of the Apocalypse:

Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Criticism
Contempt

And of these, contempt is the most harmful. (This is often displayed by rolling the eyes.) Gottman explains what we know:

"You would think criticism would be the worst, because criticism is a global condemnation of a person's character. Yet contempt is qualitatively different from criticism. With criticism I might say to my wife, 'You never listen, you are really selfish and insensitive. Well, she's going to respond defensively to that. That's not very good for our problem solving and interaction. But if I speak from a superior plane, that's far more damaging, and contempt is any statement made from a higher level. A lot of time it's an insult: 'You are a bitch. You're scum.' It's trying to put that person on a lower plane than you are. It's hierarchical."

He adds that contempt and disgust are close -- they infer completely rejecting the person from community, ostracizing them.

Disgust is one of the basic emotions from the reptilian brain. In other words, "automatic." In one of the couples they interviewed about how they met, the woman said she had been disgusted by the man's behavior on the first date. She then went on to marry him.

At times we go on "instinct", without thinking, and it turns out bad. Sometimes we over-ride "instinct" by thinking, and it turns out bad.

Instinct, intuition, "gut-feeling" is a wonderful tool if you understand how it works, and how it works for you. It is generally a disaster to ignore it, have it confused with fantasy, etc.

To learn more about your intuition, take my Intuition Course, or The EQ Course (tm). These courses are on the Internet, interactive, with feedback, and may be combined with coaching.

Emotional Intelligence competencies can be learned, and intuition is one of them.

Gu Gu Attacks Again. Mammals Defend Their Territories. It's not exactly brain science.

Gu Gu, a 240 lb. panda at the Beijing Zoo recently attacked a visitor who jumped in to his pen.

Q: What do Gu Gu, An An and Yang Yang have in common - with each other, with us, and with all mammals?

A: A reptilian brain and a limbic brain. The limbic brain makes them "cuddly", at least to their own. Like all mammals, they take care of their young, etc. Their reptilian brain, which we also have (the first to evolve), makes them have an instinctive drive to defend their territory. Just like we do. (35% of Texans now own a firearm.) But Gu Gu, An An, and Yang Yang lack the crowning glory of the human being, the neocortex, which might tell them what is a serious breach of territory.

Today (I assume), according to msn.com, Gu Gu, a 240 lb. panda at the Beijing Zoo attacked a visitor who jumped in to his (her? we do not know) pen. Gu Gu has attacked two others who have done this. In this case, zookeepers had to use tools to pry open the panda's jaws.

This article on msn.com has at its side a "special feature" video, Pandas at Play, calling them cute and cuddly.

December 8, a giant panda named An An in a Hong Kong zoo attacked its keeper.

In November 2008, a college student who "just wanted a hug" was bitten by Yang Yang in a southern China (Beijing zoo, not sure). The student later said the panda was 'so cute and cuddly he never expected to be bitten'.

Pandas are mammals, like humans. When someone violates our space, threatens our territory, we react. It's instinctive to defend your territory. Two others have jumped in to Gu Gu's pen - one a teenager, another, a "drunk" - and Gu Gu attacked, or defended his territory - depending on your perspective.

IT'S NOT SMART, IT'S NOT EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, TO JUMP SOMEONE ELSE'S TERRITORY. In human beings this can be extended to mental and emotional space, as well as physical. It's no joke. It made it into the beginning of the Constitution, after all.

We hope the man, unnamed, recovers, and that zookeepers will do the smart thing - restructure the situation so that people can't just jump in. Right now there is only a 5' retainer.

To learn more about emotional intelligence, take The EQ Course(tm). Email for information - sdunn@susandunn.cc .

A Look At Politically Incorrect Truths About Human Nature

IT CLAWS ... BUT IT ALSO PURRS, NURTURES ITS YOUNG, AND LIVES IN A PACK

Perhaps you've read or heard about the article, "Ten Politically Incorrect Truths about Human Nature" (Psychology Today, Alan S. Miller, PhD., and Satoshi Kanazawa, Ph.D.)

Some of the things listed are not surprising - that men are physically attracted to blond Barbie-types, humans are naturally polygamous, most suicide bombers are Muslim, men become less competitive with age, and politicians do things like Clinton did.

Others many of us will not have heard of -- offsets of the Trivers-Willard theory -- wealthy couples with higher status have more sons. People with at least one son are less likely to divorce. And beautiful people are more likely to have daughters - 56% v. 48%. (One has to wonder if that is statistically significant. Seems to me to be hovering awful close to chance.)

Interesting too is the proposition that if a woman's being harassed in the workplace, she's being treated equally, at last. (Oh thank heavens, at last I can be abused like a man?)

But wait. Isn't this the ten politically incorrect truths about our ANIMAL nature? And haven't we spent most of our time on earth trying to rise above our animal natures? Trying to get beyond the talon principle, nature red in tooth and claw, climb up out of the slime and stand on two legs?

These are instincts from the reptilian brain, which was programmed eons ago and which we still share with - um - reptiles. They are polygamous, yes. Their instincts are uncomplicated: "Can I eat it, will it eat me, can I copulate with it?"

One politically incorrect behavior not mentioned because it's so REALLY politically incorrect, is that we, as individuals, would like to kill someone in order to get what we want. These may be truths about our animal nature, but many people manage to get to a higher level. Some men find a courageous, loving brunette who may even be middle-aged and marry her and remain faithful. Some men avoid becoming a suicide bomber even if in a country which encourages this. They refuse, or they emigrate to a country more favorable to the good life. Not all politicians behave like Clinton did, or Spitzer, even if they could "get away with it." There are CEOs who treat the men who work for them with respect.

Don't bite the hand that feeds you, after all, is using your thinking brain. Some individuals continue being creative and productive well past the age when Gates and McCartney quit, because the drive is not at the animal level, it's coming from higher up. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SAPIENS IN HOMO SAPIENS?

We have a limbic brain (why we do not eat our children when we're hungry, like reptiles do), and a neocortex - which allows us not just to think, but to think about thinking. Therefore, we can note that we have an animal instinct operating (big deal) and choose not to act on it (that would be stupid). It isn't a command, these "instincts". Unless you aren't linked to your limbic brain and neocortex, that is. If our "human" nature is anything, it is the "homo sapiens" - we're the ones who can think. That means we have choices.

This list of "human nature" is implicitly hooked in to the selfish gene theory, which is, after all, selfish. This is the "it's all about me" side of human nature, amped up. But no less than Pope John Paul II has apologized for acts of "human nature" that were wrong, such as the missionary abuses against indigenous peoples of the South Pacific, and the persecution of Galileo Galilei, a case of workplace harassment if you will.

Killing people may be part of our animal nature, but caring for and about other people is part of our human nature. I thought we left Freud's drive theory (sex and aggression) behind us in the last century. There is just as strong a drive to bond, nurture and protect, which of course would be included in the Politically Correct Truths list, but it goes beyond that. Human nature isn't just about you and procreating your genes at the expense of others. Some of the things Miller and Kanazawa mention may be part of our nature. They may be politically incorrect. But in some cases acting on them is just plain wrong. And that's why you got a limbic brain and neocortex to go along with that reptilian brain. So you'd know this and feel this!

Want to learn more? Take THE EQ COURSE. You will find it fascinating and enlightening. Email me for more information, sdunn@susandunn.cc, and for coaching. It's the best investment in your future you can make. See more at www.susandunn.cc .

Eliot Spitzer and decision making

From today's mailbag -

Eliot Spitzer Thought Flow Chart:

http://www.unlikelywords.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/spitzer.gif

Actually not a bad flow chart about decision making, especially when it concerns impulses from the reptilian brain.

For personal coaching, and the EQ Course (about emotions and how the brain works and how to make good decisions email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Spitzer and the Triune Brain

ALPHA MALES BEHAVING BADLY is the name of the article by Clarence Day and it begins, "Here's the $4,000 question in the Eliot Spitzer case: Why did he do it?"

The analysis of Spitzer continues. According to "Alpha males behaving badly," by Clarence Page:

"... one of the legions of family therapists who have been called into action by journalists and talk shows in a post- Spitzer surge, told me that the answer boils down simply to this: “It’s in the limbic system.” Eh? That’s the pleasure center in the brain, she said, it handles “motor skills and primitive impulses.” Oh. In other words, the intelligent, angelic part of the brain that tells you, “No, no, this is wrong, you’ll never get away with it,” is completely overwhelmed by the devilish part that says, “C’mon! You can do it! You’re superman. You’re the expert on catching people who do this. You also know how to avoid getting caught!”

(Read the full article here.)

This is how I would explain this sort of thing. The sex impulse is actually in the reptilian) primitive brain - survival instinct. It is basic, an instinct. It is a "meaning-less" reaction. Yes, the limbic brain is about pleasure but it's where parenting, for instance, resides, and emotional bonding. Spitzer's behavior had nothing to do with emotional bonding. In fact, it would more likely endanger his bond with his wife and children. The neocortex is command central, where we go to think things through. It can be considered the crowning achievement of humans, homo sapiens ("sapiens" means thinking); that is, if it used. But again, it must function well in conjunction with the other 2 brains.

Conflicts can often be described by the operations of the 3 brains, the primitive brain being the strongest, of course, because it has to do with survival. I often use the example of a man experiencing lust (primitive), then going 'up' to the limbic, where he cares about his relationships, feels emotions rather than "instincts" and then 'up' further to the neocortex, where he THINKS, and realizes the action could endanger his marriage, career, etc. and, in Spitzer's case, his health and those of others as well. In other words, that it would be a stupid thing to do.

Empathy could also be placed in the limbic brain. Page says the part that would tell him “No, no, this is wrong, you’ll never get away with it,” -- I would add, and it also tells you, "And this would hurt my wife and family, hurt their feelings. The real $4,000 question here is, sadly, how will he ever regain the trust and respect of his wife and daughters.

Like Shakepeare's Othello, and Verdi's Otello, this man's entire life has been impacted - career and personal life. What is is about a man who "has the world at his feet" that makes him bring himself down, pare himself down to the human scale?

See my video on Otello"



So why do intelligent people do such stupid things? That's a large part of why the field of emotional intelligence developed. We see it often, and Spitzer is a prime example. Obviously the man's got a high IQ. But where is his EQ (emotional intelligence quotient)?

There is reptilian "pleasure"*, and also limbic (the extreme, enduring pleasure we get with our children and friends; our emotional connection to others), and also neocortex (for some of us, thinking philosophical thoughts, or analyzing someone's behavior :-) or solving a problem, are as pleasurable as it gets. And the neocortex is what separates us from the animals. We share the limbic brain with mammals.

It is a shame when we see our "alpha males" fail. It's a shame when we see anyone falter, but the "alpha male" does it in public. It is in the public eyes. Children can't help but hear or see about it. It seems such a waste, and, like the death of a parent reminds us of our immortality, their flaws, poor judgment and irresponsibility remind us of our own.

There is also the concept of noblesse oblige ... that we expect more from our leaders and high-up officials. It is one thing when your neighbor down the street does something like this. Quite another when it's a president, to take the Clinton example a la Day's article.

Why would Clinton do what he did, in the presidential position he was in? Why did Spitzer?

We are always interested in the WHY, because that's how we learn. If you'd like to learn more about the WHYs of life, I invite you to take THE EQ COURSE. With or without accompanying personal coaching, it is an enlightening experience. It's about the interface among the brains, how our brain and emotions work, and how to make your life work better -- and ultimately our health. We all have, and must deal with three "brains." The better we manage this juggling act, the better our chances for enduring success and happiness.

*Pleasure? A district attorney, accused of exposing himself to a 16 year old girl, told the judge: "I was under a lot of stress. It was tension release."

Niun mi tema (from Verdi's Otello) - no one need fear me any more

Spitzer from the Emotional Intelligence Standpoint

Spitzer - the dark side of EQ - A CAUTIONARY TALE
A man known for his ethics takes a predictable tumble - or is tumbled. There's lots in this we just don't want to acknowledge or think about.

If you live in the same world I do, there is a noticeable silence re: what has happened with Spitzer. Who wants to talk ... there is danger all around.

This is reptilian or primitive brain territory - the strongest pull in our lives there is. It governs survival, which includes sex and aggression. Surely powerful people went after this powerful person who went after powerful people. And surely he would trip up in the primitive brain area ...

It's loaded with stuff we just don't like to think about. Aggression. Retribution. Violence (which is at its worse, actually, when it is not physical.) This reminds me of the tragedy of Otello (see my thing on youtube about this) - that's the Italian spelling, for Verdi's opera. Iago decided to do Otello in, and at the end of the play/opera, what do we have? A man with no professional nor personal life left. Attributable to his own hand, no one else's.

As Jung would say, it's best to get to know your "shadow" side because the reptilian brain LURKS in all of us. If you don't familiarize yourself with it, it does more than LURK
Take my EQ course and learn more about this. This is probably the highest-LEVEL EQ course out there. Many call it "the missing piece."
Or call for EQ coaching.
email: sdunn@susandunn.cc and 817-741-7223.

Reptilian Brain

Reptilian Brain

From today's mailbag:

Hi Susan.I have read a lot of your articles & I am a fan. I am attempting to publish my book, Tales From the Cafe: Featuring the Brain Stem. In it, I quote you extensively... I have a short excerpt posted on http://www.myspace.com/bmustermanwhich includes your quotes. You have been an invaluable resource in my learning about the reptilian brain...............Brooke S. Musterman

Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc

Psychology Today: Ten Politically Incorrect Truths About Human Nature

Psychology Today: Ten Politically Incorrect Truths About Human Nature

Ten Politically Incorrect Truths about Human Nature appeared in Psychology Today, the work of Alan S. Miller Ph.D. and Satoshi Kanazawa Ph.D.

ISN'T THIS TRUTHS ABOUT OUR ANIMAL NATURE??

The findings are things like men are attracted to blond Barbie-types; humans are naturally polygamous; women benefit from polygyny, while men benefit from monogamy; most suicide bombers are Muslim; having sons reduces the likelihood of divorce; beautiful people have more daughters; Bill Gates and Paul McCartney have something in common with criminals (waning competitiveness); what Clinton did was “natural”, and men who harass women at work aren’t discriminating, they’re treating them like men--at last. Trivers-Willard theory included. Read full article here.

Some of these things are not just politically incorrect, they are things that many humans endeavor to avoid. They are wrong. And what they are 'wrong' to is our limbic brain and neocortex. We avoid them because we have emotional intelligence.

---Not all men leave their middle aged wives.
---Some people become their most creative and "competitive" in later years, in all fields: Goethe, Nancy Fenn, the Kentucky Colonel.
---When conditions in a country include things that favor suicide-bombing, the vast majority still say "no thanks" and/or emigrate to a country where conditions are more favorable to a good life.
---And some CEOs and alpha males don't get Neanderthal with men OR women in the workplace.

ISN'T THIS ABOUT OUR ANIMAL NATURE, our reptilian brains?

And hasn't most of our time on earth been about getting above the pure animal nature?
Civilized people have always tried to behave, well, not like animals.

Even the Pope comes around and apologizes for what is not just "politically incorrect," but plain out wrong. For missionary abuses aginst indigenous people of the South Pacific, for the persecution of Galileo Galilei (yes there was harassment in his workplace).

After all, it's is also a "truth" about our so-called "human nature" to kill what bothers you. It is the way that some of these alpha males have chosen to compete -- by wiping out whole countries. Just that the killing isn't mentioned, because that's really not politically correct.

We have 3 brains, and it's what makes us human. We are especially noted, as humans, for our neocortex -- the one that allows us to think about thinking. So while these things may be compelling from the reptilian brain, they need not be acted upon. In many cases it is best NOT to act on them. Just because it's in the range of possible behaviors available to you doesn't mean you have to do it, or should do it. Come on now.

It's fine to 'note' that you lust for gorgeous men who walk by. It's more emotionally intelligent, and more "human" (as opposed to opearing like an instinctively-functioning animal) to say 'so what?' and go back home to your husband whom you love and have made a committment to. For the Good Life.

Not all men want to marry a blond Barbie. They find a fine, loving brunette who might even be middle-aged, whom they know will make a good wife. It isn't all about the passing on of the genes. It's isn't all about the reptilian brain which was programmed eons ago.

It's time to crawl up out of the swamp, as it were. It isn't all about what your genes think would make your genes survive. i.e., IT ISN"T ALL ABOUT YOU.

Of course it's good to know that some people function mindlessly at this level so you can be prepared. EQ -- if something's likely to be used against you, it's good to know about it!

The Top 10 Things We Say When We've Been Hijacked

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE helps you live smarter, not harder

HIJACKED is sometimes also called FLOODING. It's when the strong compelling instincts of the reptilian brain take over and usually we do things we regret. It's when you're "blind with rage," or "go ballistic." The reptilian brain is concerned with survival and deals in aggression, territorial defense, and mating.

When you can't manage this, and can't get with the rest of your brain (limbic - bonding, and neocortex- thinking and "control central") , you do things like take someone's lunch from the break room because you're "starving," have an affair, say something to a loved one that you deeply regret, or have a harmful fight with your neighbor because his bushes are 2" over on your property, i.e., territory.

Here are The Top 10 Things We Say After We've Been Hijacked and act unwisely.

Emotoinal Intelligence: Flaming

HOW OBNOXIOUS IS THAT??

MoneyLaw, the art of winning an unfair academic game, has a great post about emotional intelligence:

"Today's New York Times posits a scientific explanation for the difference in behavior of those who are civil in face-to-face encounters but brutally venomous in email or instant messaging exchanges. In Flame First, Think Later, New Clues to E-Mail Misbehavior, Daniel Goleman (of Social Intelligence and Emotional Intelligence fame) explains that, in the absence of visual social cues, our brains no longer have that 'uh-oh' control that keeps us from inadvertently offending the person with whom we're electronically communicating. As Goleman puts it:

The emerging field of social neuroscience, the study of what goes on in the brains and bodies of two interacting people, offers clues into the neural mechanics behind flaming.

The blogger goes on to say that in face-to-face interatction, we get a continual barrage of emotional signs and cues which are missing, of course, in emails.

"Much of this social guidance occurs in circuitry centered on the orbitofrontal cortex, a center for empathy," says the blogger. "This cortex uses that social scan to help make sure that what we do next will keep the interaction on track."

The blog is about flaming and nasty emails.

Intentionality is an EQ competency that plays a part. Perhaps they are intentionally being insulting and inflammatory. If not, they are "clueless" -- and that's one way to describe email writing. The missing of social cues.

I could go on and write for another hour here, for instance, and I will never have a "clue" as to whether you, my reader, are bored or not.

Flaming - unless it's understood that's what's supposed to go on - is bad manners. The rules of etiquette exist, basically, to keep us form killing one another; particularly the strong impinging on the weak.

People have a lot more nerve behind the anonymity of an email and also operate without the clues of normal social interchange. It's not a good mix in the hands of someone who is also not intentional -- another EQ competency. Knowing what you intend to have happen (feelings and well as behavior). Flaming is like bad grammar. It reveals a lot about who you are.