Dysfunctional Family Christmas

The articles are starting to appear in print and on the Internet about how to cope with the holiday family get-togethers and the word "dysfunctional" will be bandied about.

This article is about another way of looking at things I hope will be helpful. "Dysfunction" refers to something that doesn't function the way it should; something that doesn't do what it's supposed to. "Dys" means "bad" or "difficult."

Now, unless you're a flaming extravert with a staff of 10 to help you, it may well be "difficult." Whether it will be "bad" is another matter.

Thank heavens for Positive Psychology! Barring extremes, why not assume your holiday is functioning normally, that is, like everyone else's - it isn't perfect, but it's functioning just fine.

How so? The reason we talk about "peace on earth, goodwill to men" at Christmas is because it's an ideal. We pray for it because it exists so rarely, in brief moments only, or maybe a state of the heart. It's the song the angels sing.

Let's put a new spin on this by looking at the function of a family. The function of a family is to nurture, but it's also about learning to relate and deal with emotions. It's about imperfect you learning how to co-exist with imperfect others in an imperfect world, and it's the proving ground for getting out into the real world. It's where we learn many life lessons.

Some of them are what to do when we don't get what we want, how to fight and make up, how to share and how to get our share, how to comfort or soothe someone else or ourselves, what to do when other people are angry or when we are, and how to keep loving someone when we really don't like what they're doing. In other words how to deal with the ins and outs of interpersonal relating with resilience.

And what better place to experience this than at the family get-together? It will all be there. It always is.

The only totally calm, uneventful Christmas I participated in, where there were no tiffs and sputters and frustrations, everyone was numbed from a recent tragedy and simply going through the motions. We could've been in bed asleep, except we were sitting up, walking around, and talking. No one had the energy for either joy or anger. Perspective did not allow us to be upset that year that the gravy was lumpy.

Emotions are energy. They're part of life. The only thing worse than the ones we don't like, would be having none at all.

But even that was a functional celebration. Grief-stricken, we were together for support, and we were doing what we could about Christmas, which seemed an ugly charade, and some of them will. It worked. It won't be featured on the front cover of "Saturday Evening Post," painted by Norman Rockwell, but it will remain painted in our hearts.

Positive psychology refuses to focus on what's wrong; it looks at what's right, strong, and going well. If your family is together and your sister and brother are fighting again, well didn't they always? Isn't that what siblings do? Surely they have the sense to temper it a little in light of the occasion, but if they don't, ignore it, send them outside with the dogs, use your sense of humor and EQ, and get on with your own celebration.

If you start your Christmas get-together saying, "It's Christmas, couldn't we all just get along for an hour or two? And Mother, will you please stop crying?" think about what you're requiring. Is your household one in which it's implicit that certain emotions are not welcome (anger, disappointment, fear, sorrow)?

Of course no one in their right mind would begin by saying, "Okay, everybody fight! Get ready, get set, Go!" But toy with that notion for a moment. What do you think would happen if you did? By welcoming it, you take away its power. Even if you said this to two preschoolers, they'd probably giggle.

It's traditional in my family that the kids are always sick at Christmas. We live in South Texas; it's allergy time. However, it has traveled with us as well! This is the one thing we can count on. It's also traditional that some of us are tired and overwrought, and the more highstrung ones will be decompensating. Some of the kids are this way too.

I remember one Christmas when I was a kid when my folks just suddenly brought the whole thing to a halt and put us all to bed for a nap. That's sensible!

There are other "traditions" I won't go into, but let's just say people don't leave their regular personalities at home when they venture out at Christmas time.

It may be the tradition in your household that Granny will complain about the commercialism of Christmas (she always does), Uncle Fred and Aunt Mary won't be talking to one another (they never do), and Candee will be dressed inappropriately (just to embarrass her parents). Is the further tradition that you worry about these things or in some way try to prevent them happening? That might be one tradition you'd like to change this year. You might as well try and stop the tide, and you'll only make yourself miserable about being miserable.

You could also rid your mind of the "nevers" and "always." People do surprise us. It has been said "you can't go home again" because things change. It won't be there when you get there. Maybe this year Granny will have made her peace with commercialism. Ya never know.

Am I talking about extreme circumstances and crises? They can happen too. In our minds Christmas Day is something special, but in the grand scheme of things, it's a day when things that happen on any day can happen. I know several people who, sadly, had a relative die on Christmas Day, one even right at the dinner table.

The only thing you can control - better to say "manage" - is your response to things that happen. You can't control what happens.

If things are really bad, you know it, and you need to do something about it, and I hope you will. Get therapy, prescribe therapy, don't show up, go with your loving partner on a cruise, or don't invite the cousin who needs to be in rehab and tell him why and pray for him.

But if it's like it is for most of us, somewhat unpredictable and nutty enough to be real, I hope you have a great, albeit imperfect Christmas, and keep your expectations flexible and low and your emotional intelligence high.

I'm thinking of the first Christmas after my son died. "Have a Christmas," one of my sensitive friends told me. I did. You can too.

Decorating for the Holidays When Short on Time and Money

Lucky you if you live in the north (of the US). Lucky all of us that nature is plentiful in providing free supplies for decorating our homes for Thanksgiving no matter where we live.

Even in South Texas at this time of year I can wander outside and clip off some branches from my yellow-berried pyracantha (I planted some with yellow berries as well as red just for this occasion), and grab a handful of at least brown leaves.

If you live in the north and can garner pine cones, seed pods, pine branches and fallen leaves in all their glorious colors, use these as the basis for your color scheme.

I'm also lucky to have a garden full of chrysanthemums in bloom ready to be put around in vases in the house. Since they're perennials (down here), I can always count on having them come back this time of year.

Check your yard and garden for blooms in keeping with your color scheme (and next year, consider planting accordingly).

You also have an array of decorating materials available in the produce department of your grocery. All those squashes lend themselves beautifully to the fall color scheme. It's nature's way. Go for it!

Arrange some greenery branches across the mantle and place fruits and vegetables around and there you have it. We're celebrating the harvest, after all.

Now here's the trick. We have two major celebrations coming up: Thanksgiving and then Christmas. Here at my house I need to make a quick transition and I'm short on time, like everyone else. I'm having guests for Thanksgiving, but then my grandchildren will be coming here the Friday after. I'm giving a Christmas Cookie Baking Party for Kids on Friday, and will need to switch rapidly from Thanksgiving to Christmas, so I've planned my decorating accordingly.

I'll be using only greens, yellows, golds and whites for Thanksgiving. Then, for instance, I can remove the white, green and yellow gourds and squashes from the greenery on the mantle, add some white lights and gold stars, gold jingle bells, and gold ornaments and I'm set to go.

The white, yellow and gold candles and tealights for Thanksgiving can remain. See how easy it can be!

Cheap tip for a real glow? Buy a fair-sized mirror, place it on your dining room table, buffet or mantel and cover it with tea lights. Beautiful!

You could achieve this same easy transition keeping green and brown for basic background and using accents of burgundy and rust. This is a more subtle look for Christmas than the bright primary red, but it works just as well.

Also make some trips to your local Goodwill and Thrift Stores and visit some garage sales. People give away the most amazing holiday decorations that can be yours for pennies. I've found everything - hand towels, wreaths, pillows, stuffed animals, wall pictures, water globes and statuettes. Since they're used only for a short time, you hate to spend too much on them.

And here's a neat tip. My Goodwill store has a selection of lamp shades and I have the lamps, don't you? You can change out your lampshades to fit your decorating scheme. Did you ever think of that? It only takes a minute. Just make sure before you go that you know which kind of lampshades you have, and match them.

Oh and don't forget to check out the picture frames at the resale shop. You could move a favorite photo to a holiday frame and place that up on the mantel as well.

In fact if you don't already have some great holiday photos, take some this year. I have a great photo of my grand-daughter sitting with a pumpkin I move to a central location at Thanksgiving, and then a collage of my own children at former Christmases I bring out in December. I bought an ugly print at a garage sale that had a beautiful forest green frame, threw away the print and substituted with the collage. It's such a dear reminder.

And while you're decorating, don't forget yourself! Most thrift stores set up displays of holiday apparel you'll want to take advantage of for you and the kids.

Some planning ahead can help you save time and money and still allow for a festively decorated home for the holidays.

Making Christmas Dinner More Festive

"But Susan," you say, "Why would I be worried about making Christmas dinner more 'festive'? It's a family tradition my kids are sick on Christmas, my in-laws are staying with us for a week, I have to work Christmas Eve, and I've promised the maid the week off, ha ha. What I'm worried about is getting it to the table at all."

Oh, for many reasons, I reply. Because of the memories, because it's soothing and fun, if you work it right (read on), because it looks so nice and is so appreciated it can make up for other things you could let slip. There are many reasons.

So hang on, here we go. All these tips are sort of like "sleight of hand." They're things you can do while you have to be in the kitchen anyway type of things. They're relaxing even. Trust me!

And the "oohs" and "aahs" will be oh-so-energizing. They're affordable, too. This Christmas-tree shaped butter (see above) cost a couple of bucks at the grocery and who's going to notice what's sitting next to it?

Here are some ways to dress up the traditional Christmas table.

PIE CRUST

Make your usual pie crust, 2-crust version. OK, who am I kidding. Buy the frozen ones. Thaw them and dump them out of their original tins, combine several (they're too skimpy I think), roll them out, begin all over again.

Line the pie tin, put in the filling, then roll out the second crust and cut shapes using cookie cutters, or cut out shapes free-form with a sharp knife. First one doesn't work? Pie dough is very forgiving. Roll it up and start again. Your "second chances" are infinite. You could also use something from a child's coloring book for a pattern.

If you don't have cookie cutters, cut out 3 rounds for holly berries using a bottle cap, and cut out some spiky holly leaves with a knife.

If you have the time and the inclination, when the pie is baked and cooled, then use frosting to decorate your crust. Of course this is frosting from a can or tube you bought. On another planet, in another lifetime, you'll make the frosting. Buy the plastic tips and plastic pastry bag so you can just throw them away.

Repeat after me -- if it's pretty, it, like the well-chosen dress, can hide a multitude of sins. Get some candies 'n' stuff, like licorice for Santa's belt. I'd come home from working the Christmas Eve church service, you know a bit weary, and my sons would come in the kitchen to watch and "help out." It was cozy. Memories.

Any kind of liquor goes well with any kind of fruit pie, so splash a little um in the pumpkin pie, or a little cognac in the cherry.

Or do the usual-only-very-different. Make a frozen pumpkin chiffon pie. The virtue of that is -- you guessed it --it can be done so far ahead of time. Then at serving time, crumble candy canes and sprinkle them on top. Don't know who helps you at your house, but I had sons, and they loved to put the canes in waxed paper and then whack it with the rolling pin. Festive Family Fun at the Dunn household. Me 'n' the boys.

I hope by now you're beginning to see that we are playing and enjoying ourselves as much as anything.

CANDY CANES

Candy canes go so well with chocolate. You can make a chocolate dessert, like that instant pudding concoction with dream whip that kids like so much. Email me if you don't have that recipe. Then sprinkle candy canes atop.

SWEET POTATOES

Mash canned yams and place in Pyrex. Then whip up meringue nice and stiff, with lots of sugar. Beating things is therapeutic as well, and the kids are fascinated by the process. ("Is it ready yet?")

Circle the bowl with the meringue, and then make dollops on top with peaks. Then you can (1) sprinkle it with colored sprinkles, or (2) in the center put 3 maraschino cherries and some pineapple leaves, like holly. Or put marshmallows around the rim and decoration in the middle. In your next reincarnation you will make Martha's
homemade marshmallows and put them on top.

BOULE DE NIEGE

Simple, cheap, elegant-looking, quick, do-ahead treat. Yay!

Use seasonal ice cream -- peppermint, coconut, eggnog, pistachio. Let the ice cream soften and scoop it into a round Pyrex® that you've greased lightly with Pam®. Put it in the freezer until well frozen again. (Don't you love the things you can do in stages? Maybe at this point you'll need to run the dog to the vet because it ate 2' of tinsel, like I did one Christmas, oh yes.)

Later ... take it out, soak the dish briefly in larger bowl of warm water till you see the ice cream melting on the edges, turn it over on a pretty serving platter, and out it comes in a ome. Tear strips of waxed paper and place them all around the plate, under the ice cream. Now whip cream till stiff, put it in pastry bag, use a tip such as Wilton 2D and pipe, pipe, pipe, little shaped blobs, each one next to the other till the mound is completely covered. Gently remove the waxed paper, wipe the serving platter with a wet rag, and place the ball back in the freezer till frozen. Once it's frozen, cover it with a bowl or wrap until ready to serve. "Boule de niege" is French for "snowball"!

If you want to use Redi-whip, you must do it right before serving because it doesn't last. How do I know? Well, it was a very sad "learning experience" involving a Christmas luncheon for my bridge group and I'll leave it at that.

Want it even easier? There's an ice cream baking kit available here: http://www.thecompleatgourmet.com/merchandise.htm .

BEEF WELLINGTON

Make a mixture of Dijon mustard red, green and white peppercorns (available here: http://www.famousfoods.com/71996.html ). Coat the beef with this before you encrust it. Put cut-out shapes on the crust as well.

MASHED POTATOES

Mash them and put them in a serving bowl. Then sprinkle just enough cayenne and parsley flakes for color. Wait a minute, I forgot we've let the maid have the week off. Use mashed potato mix, plump it into those festive individual ramekins (Williams-Sonoma has some pretty bright red ones) and bingo! Oh wait, place a star-shaped pat of butter atop each one.

SIMPLE CAKE

Bake your cake in a springform pan with a Christmas base - Christmas tree and holly patterns are available here:
http://www.happycookers.com/wc.dll/products/divulge/1-16451.html

PARFAITS

Super easy, cheap, eye-candy, and doaheadable.

X-rated Version: Fill fluted glasses with any ice cream. Drizzle green crème de menthe and chocolate over it. Add maraschino cherry - red or green. If you use red cherry, add green mint leaf.

GP-rated Version:Drizzle with hot fudge sauce and sprinkle crumbled candy cane on top.

TRIFLE

Trifle is the original LOW MAINTENANCE dessert. There are as many recipes as there are people making it. We love it because it's like that old "dump cake" recipe, remember? It just doesn't matter that much. Soak that cake in amaretto or schnapps, add what you like, layer it ... it's got cheap ingredients, it's retro-new, and the presentation! It's so NOT FRAGILE. Put it in a huge brandy snifter type container. Or put it in a Christmas tureen and smooth a layer of whipped cream on the top (use warm wet flat spatula). This makes it look like a lid and people will keep trying to pick it up and there will be finger prints all over it (and lots of laughs).

VEGIES

Put chopped red peppers in among the peas, Brussels sprouts or broccoli; stuff tomatoes with hamburger, cheese, green peppers, parsley. Cut stars out of processed cheese slices and place atop casserole.

MORE GOOD NEWS

If you did even 3 of these things, it would be "gilding the lily." Choose one or two. That's all!

I'm sure you can tell my philosophy has always been 'if I'm going to have to do it, I'm doing to make a party out of it.'

Enjoy!

Christmas present for my wife - ask the EQ Coach

Dear EQ Coach:

I don't know what to get my wife for Christmas. I love her, but I hate to shop. I want to ask my secretary to pick something out for her. Do you think this is wise? I have plenty of money, no time, and I hate to shop.

Signed: Ready to Delegate in Delaware

Dear Ready to Detonate Relationship in Delaware:

You have plenty of money, no time, and a death wish. No secretary, no friend, nobody can choose a gift for your girlfriend that won't reek of "didn't care." Have you forgotten for a moment that women are intuitive? She will know.

How will she know? Take the EQ Foundation Course© and find out about intuition. Any man considering letting someone else choose the gift for the woman he loves needs EQ help right now.

Do it yourself. Call a coach for some ideas. Order it online to be gift-wrapped and delivered. Send your secretary out to pick it u or use a courier service. But never let someone else choose that special gift. She will know.

Signed: The EQ Coach

P.S. Yes, she WILL know.

Still not convinced?

Dear EQ Coach:

I'm appalled. My husband just gave me my Christmas gift early. We've been married 3 years. It was an expensive Lladro. Of a horse. I don't like horses. I've never ridden a horse. I've never talked about one. I don't have any horse thing in my house. I think they smell and are dangerous and my hobby is needlepoint. Furthermore, I don't ^collect^.

On the other hand, his secretary owns and breeds horses. She has horse statues all over her desk.

I'm sick. What should I do?

Signed: Horses my A**

Dear Horses:

Well, I don't recommend gelding ...

Signed: The EQ Coach

All I Want for Christmas is My Son Back

The holidays are upon us … and how they churn up our emotions. The expectations … the memories … the empty chairs …
Somewhere there's the Norman Rockwell family celebrating, but it was never at my house. Was it at yours?

A client and I have in common the loss of beautiful young men on the cusp of adulthood -- my youngest son, who died at 21, 3 years ago; her younger brother, who died at 17, much longer ago than that, and yet it was only yesterday. I share with her my poem saying it is the hardest time to lose a child … "and the world never knew him at all," it ends -- and she says she knows what I mean.

My mother used to tell me when I was young and tragedy occurred to others, never to speak of "luck" or "dessert," but to say, "There but for the grace of God, go I," and my first Thanksgiving after my son's death, I hoped the church-goers would pray for someone who had lacked the grace of God.

My client says she is going to have everyone share their gratitude this year and she knows it will be emotional. "There are too many empty chairs," she says. She lost her older brother as well, and her father.

She says my grief is still "raw," and she's right, but hers is too, around Christmas. We agree that all emotions will be welcome at the holiday table. We're working on emotional intelligence together. I'm The EQ Coach.

I tell her that my family is still in the early recovery stages - there are conversations my older son and I haven't had yet about the death of his younger brother. She says she knows what I mean. We talk about the importance of ‘saying their name' - the names of the ones who are dead. I tell her that my grand-daughter speaks Chester's name all the time She asks me at the dinner table if Chettie liked yogurt when he was 5. She catches me on the patio at night and tells me that Chettie Chettie Bang Bang is dancing with the stars.

"I want you to die when you are very, very old, Nana," she says to me.

"Yes," I say, with tears in my eyes. "That's the way it's supposed to be."

"Your grand-daughter knows," says my client. We share a silent moment of Empathy.

Some years ago I worked for a church. I ‘worked' the Christmas Eve service. Other services were filled with loudness, but the Christmas Eve service is silent. My job was to meet and greet, to ‘be a presence,' but the holy silence at the Christmas Eve service was so palpable, so pregnant with meaning, mostly I just stood there. No one was looking for ‘a presence.' Every person seemed to have a person sitting on either side of them in memory only. Especially the old women.

Some of them would hug me with tears in their eyes and say a name … "Paul," a dead husband … or "Missy", a lost child … Ghosts from Christmasses past.

Those of us who worked the church service held one another together. Meanwhile the children ran around screaming, high on sugar and excitement, dressed in their party clothes, the sound of their laughter and their bright and noisy dress shoes echoing down the halls.

Do you have memories of Christmas like I do?

Kids throwing up, the first one in the new home, the canceled flights, the gift that pleased or didn't, the first Christmas as "the mother-in-law," the last one with a loved one, the first one with the new baby, someone drunk, someone newly married, someone away from home for the first time, the first Christmas after my divorce, the time the table caught fire, the time everyone got along, the time everyone fought, the snow, the heat wave, the beautiful red satin skirt, the peace, the chaos, the curdled crème Anglais, my dad peeling a tangerine, the kiss under the mistletoe, the Hallelujah chorus …

I remember the time our kids were with their fathers, hers for the first time, and I found my friend crying in the church restroom and took her out for dinner, saying, "Come on. I'll show you how to do this."

The time I listened to a psychologist friend of mine talk of his exhaustion from "all the people who need to be heard this time of year".

The worst Christmas Eve? There wasn't one. They were all good in their own way. The best Christmas Eve? All of them, and this one coming up! One in particular though, a lesson in ‘you never know.' The best adult Christmas Eve - my second and last date with a man named Chris, but it turned out we had exactly the same idea of how Christmas Eve should be and we accomplished it together. Sometimes the butterfly of happiness comes and lights on your shoulder if you don't go after it.

Perhaps your memories are as mixed and full as mine. I have good and bad memories, and none of them like the Norman Rockwell Christmas.

The holidays are particularly difficult for those of us with alcohol problems in the family. The memories - or the reality -- of someone drunk or passed out, the fighting, the fear, the anger, the unpredictability and the denial.

The holidays are particularly hard for those of us far from home.

And the holidays are particularly hard for single people, who must go and "sit at the end of the couch" at other people's houses.

And the holidays are particularly hard for young folks with babies. The kids are always sick, there's too much to do, too little time, maybe too little money.

But the holidays are no less hard for those of us with no family, too little to do, too much time, too much money.

The EQ Coach reminds herself that
·It's our expectations that cause us misery; keep them realistic. Better yet, don't have any.
·If you don't go looking, it could be your year for the Christmas butterfly.
·That exhaustion and stress aren't good this time of year. Take care of yourself!
·All emotions are welcome; our grief is the price we pay for the exquisite joy in the same proportion - that's the deal, that's the way it is. If we won't allow grief, we can't have joy.
·That some people aren't able to be present at Christmas - some are dead, some are locked in the past, and some are off in the future, and that's okay.
·That Optimism is a good option - how we attribute bad things that happen. If the turkey burns - not a small thing if you're the daughter-in-law fixing the meal for the first time -- that it means the thermostat didn't work, not that you can't cook.
·That Flexbility is wise - people get sick, plans change, gifts don't arrive, but the celebration can still occur - there are many ways to skin a cat.
·That Resilience is earned not given, and it's earned by processing hard times and learning from them. GROWING through them, not just GOING through them.
·That nothing's perfect and you'll only exhaust yourself and make yourself and everyone else miserable if that's your goal.
·That we have Personal Power and choices - it's your holiday to spend as you wish. Christmas has a knob - turn it on, turn it up, turn it down, turn it off.
·And that if it's good, it will change, and if it's bad, it will change.

Ask yourself and those around you, "How do you feel about Christmas?" There are lots of people who need to be heard this time of year.

My client tells me she's going to start a new tradition this year. She'll invite everyone over for a Christmas brunch. I tell her I think this is a great idea, and I make a note to send her some of my cardamom bread. It mails well and has the virtue of containing no candied fruit!

I have new traditions, too. I have a little cap for my dog that says "Chimney Watch: Santa Patrol" on it. I'll have it on her when the kids walk in the door, and there will be jingle bells on the door knob and a motion-sensored wreath on the door with eyeballs from K-Mart that says "Ho Ho Ho".

I have an ineffable desire to enjoy myself and my life. I hope you do too!

Chettie would approve.

Expectations and the Family Vacation

This article is about vacations in general. Modify to suit the holidays. It applies even moreso.


It's that time of year again: Time for the family vacation. It's a good time to rethink some things like perfectionism, expectations, and the meaning of the word "vacation."

First of all, we call it a "vacation," but if you're the parent, it isn't going to be one. Maybe I was slow, but it took me quite a while to figure out that I, the parent (and a single-parent at that), was going to work even harder on a vacation than at home, and that it wouldn't be a relaxing time for me. After all, I was taking the boys to new places where they would be full of new ideas, and it always required more supervision than at home. As soon as we hit the beach, outrageous demands began. One ran one way, the other another. Being in a new place, they weren't sure what the rules were, and they had to be re-established. Being around new things, they weren't always as cautious as they should be, and I had to be vigilant. They got sick, got fishing hooks in their thumbs, stepped on man-o-wars, the rental car got a flat, the resort room's air conditioning broke and we had to pack up and change rooms, and more than once someone was throwing up all night long. While we always had a wonderful time, and I always returned happy (and of course the kids did), I often returned more tired than when I'd left!

I began to name these "The Kids' Vacations," just so I kept my expectations in line with reality, and to plan vacation-vacations for myself - getaways where I could relax in ways I needed to. The Kids' Vacations were for having fun as a family! And kids don't need a "vacation." They're always high energy and on-the-go, yes?

Here are some things to keep in mind as you plan and take the family vacation that can keep you from unrealistic expectations which will erode your experience:

1.Kids are likely to become more boisterous on a vacation, because of all the new fun things. New experiences and new situations will present things they haven't encountered before, so you have to be on guard about their safety on a constant basis. Try and GO rested; don't plan on COMING HOME rested.

2.Think of it as a fun adventure for the family where you get to know one another better and spend time together under new circumstances. Then whatever happens will fall in line.

3.There are more options all the time where childcare is also available. Many resorts and cruise lines offer programs for children and teens that provide great activities, supervision, and a chance for them to make new friends, while giving you some adult time to yourself. Consider this option.

4.Consider bringing along a mother's helper, or older niece or nephew, or willing grandmother to help with the children.

5.Because it's all new, anticipate some irregularities, and relax into the situation. It's typical when we get stressed to tighten up and become rigid and this only makes things worse. Use your emotional intelligence to be flexible and creative. If your child has never been fishing before, or never been to a bit-city museum, you can't anticipate all the things they can go wrong, so don't be surprised if they do. It's part of new learning experiences. If they've never participated in formal night on a cruise, their table manners may not be quite in line. Anticipate what you can. Deal with what happens.

6.If you intend to have a great time together, don't let anything get in your way. There's no reason why a visit to the ER should "ruin your vacation," any more than a few tantrums, some embarrassing table manners, a flat tire, or missed plan connections should. Your experience of your vacation is in your own hands.

7.Plan ahead for the predictable - high spirits, moments of boredom, and fights with siblings. You've dealt with these at home, and they will accompany you on your trip. Think of ways to deal with these under new circumstances - in the car, plane, resort, tourist sights, and be prepared with the materials you need. A kit with magic markers, some ear phones, a journal or a good book to read can make the difference.

8.Anticipate testing of the limits. It will only throw you if it comes as a surprise. Children do this in any new situation, and a vacation is full of them. Apply the same measures you do at home - make it clear where the boundaries are, be consistent, pleasant, and anticipate the best.

9.Understand that children will rev up for a vacation, not calm down. Some adults do this as well, of course. Some of us plan vacations where we can relax and rest; others plan mountain-climbing adventures, and barefoot sailing. Some of us plan both! Be mindful about what comes with the territory.

10.Allow times for children to work off their energy. Plan breaks during long car trips. Take them for a run on the beach before you go to the art museum. After the formal dinner with Aunt Betty, turn them loose in the courtyard to run around a bit.

11.Discuss expectations beforehand. Explain what you can, and what sort of behavior you expect in different circumstances. You can't cover everything, but you can cover a lot. One thing that's very important with smaller children is "coming when called." You can also buy those harnesses for errant toddlers, for their own safety and your peace of mind.

12.Be sure and provide safety equipment - car seats, restraints, life jackets and such. Bring along syrup of ipecac, epinephrine, and other things your physician may recommend for emergencies. Carry a first-aid kit with bandages, Neosporin and tweezers. The same sort of equipment you have at home. Because a vacation provides new situations, accidents can be more likely to occur.

Last but not least, process after each vacation. What did you plan well, what did you plan poorly? What worked and what didn't? What would you do again, and what would it be best to avoid? What would you do differently? Get the whole family involved in the discussion, so everyone becomes mindful.

And don't forget the most important thing: find out what everyone enjoyed the most. Be sure and go over the good times with the family, and make plans for more in the future.

10 Ways to Use Music During the Holiday Season

This might be a time of year where you're looking for, oh, some different ways to soothe, level, motivate, energize yourself and otherwise get on top of your cascading emotions. The EQ Foundation Course© emphasizes the great arts as an adjunct to Emotional Intelligence, though the not-so-great arts are helpful too. May we suggest?

1. Need to get solidly centered
Like, as the metaphysicians say, when you vision yourself growing a tail and having it grow like an anchor down to the center of the earth kind of centered?

Try anything with a big solid bass, up loud, but make sure the lyrics don't interfere. The right-brain will dominate and you'll hear the music first, but your left-brain will still be getting the lyrics. Thus, avoid "Oh Elizabeth" which has the beat, but the lyrics are sad.

OUR SUGGESTION: "I Loved ‘Em Everyone," by T. G. Sheppard

2. Need to deal with something heavy, such as last year your father died on Christmas Eve and here comes the first anniversary

OUR SUGGESTION: Only classical music will work for this and that's why we call it classical. For such a deep need, to maintain your grip when something's rocked the foundation of your world, we recommend, Beethoven's "Eroica".

"Eroica" means "heroic" and that you will need to be.

Beethoven lived through the worst thing that can happen to a person. It's there, in his music. For you.

3. To get lightly level

OUR SUGGESTION: Nothing will probably ever compare to Pachelbel's "Canon". After that we give 5 stars to George Winston, particularly "December." Good masseuses play these tapes. There are no ups and downs and that may be just what you're aiming at. :)

Also "What Child is This"

4. To rip the heart out of Christmas, like when you want to just sit down in front of the tree and cry at the beauty and the splendor of it all and get it over with (and get the toxins out) and then eat a pint of Haagen Daz and go to sleep

OUR SUGGESTION: Pavarotti's Christmas video, Panis Angelicus duet with the little boy, especially if you had a little boy who now has whiskers on his cheeks. Or Placido Domingo with the Vienna Boys Choir. Then you can pull out your heart and put it on the table beside you, right there beside the dish of peppermints, and the cinnamon-scented candle, and you'll know you had Christmas.

5. Want something Christmassy but light

OUR SUGGESTION: Harp music is good for this, like for baking cookies to. It doesn't pull the emotions. It's close to the lyre, the instrument the Greek god Orpheus played to soothe the savage beasts, and to win a favor from Hades, the god to whom there is no altar (death), the god with whom there is no bargaining.

Completely upbeat, light and fun is "A Reggae Christmas," by Various Artists, and yes, my friend, "sensei" does rhyme with "pear tree." Listen to it on the way in to work. That's girl's laughter will carry you through your day - The Ras Family, "We Wish You a Merry Christmas," and June Lodge's "Joy to the World" will put joy in YOUR world.

6. Need to get some physical work done, sick of Christmas, got the kids around

GP RECOMMENDATION: (1) "Great Balls of Fire," Jerry Lee Lewis. How could you possibly be "mindful" with that going on? It's great fun. It will clear the air. (2) "Don't Worry Be Happy," by Marley.

7. The out-laws are coming, I mean the IN-laws, and you, exhausted, crabby and high on sugar as you are, must clean the house and you aren't exactly in the MOOD for a Christmas Carol, if you know what I mean

OUR SUGGESTION: If you haven't cleaned house with your two preschoolers marching along behind you to a John Philip Sousa march, you haven't lived. Give the little one a paper hat and get out his toy drum. Ok, quit laughing and taking pictures and get back to work, you!

OUR PG SUGGESTION: Got older kids you need to get working with you? Call it "the main event," and put on the Jock Jams, "Let's Get Ready to Rumble."

OUR X RATED SUGGESTION: You and your partner put "Cotton Eyed Joe" on -- I mean the Texas version - and invent your own lyrics appropos to the, um, challenges of the moment. (This is popular at office holiday parties with adjusted lyrics as well!) And DO the Cotton Eye Joe as you push that vacuum around. Here's how.

OUR X-17 RATED SUGGESTION: The Pogues, "A New York Fairytale." The boys in the NYPD were singing Galway Bay ... (a little venting).

8. Need to be inspired and also to get in touch with the spiritual side of Christmas

OUR SUGGESTION: Handel's "Messiah, Hallelujah Chorus," of course. Just the chorus, unless you're an aficianado and can afford to tire yourself out.

Remember, if you will, that when you hear "The Hallelujah Chorus," you are to stand up.

Do this. Right there at home in your living room. It will do something for you.

Great Christmas Carols like "Hark the Herald Angels Sing," and "Go Tell It on the Mountain"

9. Now, or any time you're beginning to feel just slightly resentful of all your "blessings"

OUR SUGGESTION: "Lord, What Did I Ever Do," by the Oak Ridge Boys is great for attitude adjustment.

10. For the peace that passeth all understanding

OUR SUGGESTION: Stille Naq, Noite de Paz, Noche de Paz, Sainte Nuit, Cicha Noc, Glade Jul, Stille Nacht, Po La`i E, or, as many of us know it, Silent Night, the lullaby that's been translated into every language on earth, composed by the greatest unsung duo in musical history, Mohr (lyrics) and Gruber (melody).

We also recommend "Ave Maria."

Let them still your heart and bring you peace.

When the Holiday Office Party is a Seated Dinner

Q: What's harder than knowing how to shine at the Christmas office party?
A: Knowing how to shine when it's a seated dinner.

The open-format Christmas office party is a piece of cake compared to a seated lunch or dinner. At a buffet-type function you can move around, which means you can disappear when you want to. You don't want to get caught hiding out in the ladies' room all night, but since you're free to move around, you can leave any person or group when you want, and even leave the room.

However, at the seated affair you are trapped. If it strikes fear in your heart, you aren't alone. Even for a pro, this isn't easy. Here are some tips:

IT ISN'T A PARTY

Never forget this. It may superficially appear different (new place, new people), but remember everything you say can and will be used against you.

You'll be seeing these people Monday morning. If you think it's hard to face a one-night stand after creeping out of her house in the middle of the night, wait till you have to face your boss Monday morning after getting sloppy drunk Saturday night and spilling your guts about some personal problem you can't handle. I mean how will (s)he expect you to be a competent Marketing Director when you were crying because your cat had died? I know the two things have nothing to do with one another, but your boss doesn't.

Think of the word "mortifying." No one needs to know about your hysterectomy, how well Viagra works for you, that your young wife left you, that you think the new manager stinks, or anything else about your personal life.

You simply are not free to say anything you want to.

FOLLOW THE LEADER

Once seated, you must watch the leader to know what to do. It can be the boss, or his or her spouse, whichever one is dominant. Watch what they're doing. Emily Post may say not to eat asparagus with your fingers, but if your boss' wife is, you really need to think about it. In most cases, I'd go ahead and do it along with her. If you don't, you're making a statement. It's that important what your boss and his or her partner do. Don't start to eat until they do. If they don't order dessert, you don't. Monkey see, monkey do.

CONVERSATION

General conversation while you're being seated will devolve into one conversation dominated by the boss at least for a while, often for the entire meal. Your job is to pay attention. If the boss, sometimes aided and abetted by a crony or colleague, starts in on a monologue, be an attentive audience. Look horrified if something bad happened, laugh if he tells a joke, maintain eye contact, be respectful. It can amount to a performance. It's almost always dominated by males.

FOOLS RUSH IN

There may be lulls in this monologue from the boss. Don't attempt to fill them if you're an amateur. Nowhere does the expression "fools rush in where angels fear to tread" apply more fully.

You don't know this side of your boss. You don't know her sense of humor, what annoys her, what her prejudices are, her religion, or any number of important things that you can step right into if you feel compelled to fill air time. Even the most innocent comment can get you in trouble because it's a very magnified situation - one person talking at a
time to the whole table. What you say will echo and reverberate, all the way to your next performance appraisal.

ETIQUETTE

Timing matters. No choice here. Arrive 15 minutes early and don't leave before everyone leaves.

Don't be the first to complain about anything. No matter how it appears to you, the company (boss) is putting on the affair, and criticisms will be taken personally. Don't send the meat back; don't complain about how hard the chairs are. You're a guest; be appreciative. Save face.

If the boss does complain about something, agree, but be milder about it. Never upstage. If he thinks the salmon is "atrocious," don't say, "I thought it was heavenly," or talk
about a time when you got instantly ill with food poisoning over salmon one time. If he's got a big personality, he'll probably announce the salmon won't do and tell the waiter to take back everyone's. If it's more minor than that, say something like, "Yes, I think you're right, but isn't the risotto delicious?"

Conversation is the focus. Comments should never be made about what someone else is eating or isn't ("What's wrong Marcia? Don't you like the XX?") or doing. If someone knocks over their water glass, help them out surreptitiously, but keep the conversation going as if nothing had happened.

CROSS TALK

If the boss starts a conversation with the person on her side, you may do the same, but be prepared to cease if the boss takes the stage again.

Many people find this practice obnoxious, but the boss is "the presence," and it's their job to hold court. It's work and it's expected. Save any personal issues you may have about this for another time.

FISH BOWL

All of us know intuitively that the person who isn't nice to the waiter isn't a nice person at all. You are being watched.

BLEND

Match behaviors. Sedate, or rowdy, attempt to get with the spirit of the thing. Whatever personal idiosyncrasies you may have about food or spirits, keep it to yourself. No one wants to know that you're on a diet, lactose intolerant, in recovery, allergic to chocolate, or a vegan. Order or eat from what's available, without comment.

METALLIC?

What to wear? Office festive, which means a muted Christmas pin, scarf or tie, but don't be shouting "Christmas." Stay within the normal range for attire at your office adding only a 'nod' to the holidays. If you don't know the difference between "professional dress up" and "party attire," you're going to flunk. This is not a time for skins, latex, cleavage, a lot of hairy chest exposed, a jingle bell bracelet, or anything remotely approaching a "costume."

You may feel like Mrs. Santa or the Christmas Elf that night, but Monday morning you're going to be HR Director or Senior Accountant, and how can they respect you when they were staring at your exposed breasts across the table?

DON'T ENJOY YOURSELF

Sorry, it's one of the most stressful things you can go through. You are trapped for an hour or more of scrutiny, you have to think every moment, and you must've relax.

If you're new to this, observe others to know what to do, imitate the person you think is most savvy, and resist all urges to stand out in any way. There's nothing wrong with sitting there, smiling, and saying a little when spoken to. Observe with the intent of learning. Notice what goes over well and what doesn't, and make mental notes for the next time.

©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Offering coaching, Internet courses and ebooks for your personal and professional development. Visit the best ebook library on the Internet - www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html . Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free EQ ezine.
Article Source: www.homehighlight.org

Marriage ... Myths ...

ROMANCE AND HAPPY MARRIAGE MYTHS

This is such a nice little article. What goes around comes around!
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The institution of marriage is surrounded by a number of myths,stories and advice freely offered by people on a daily basis.

Unfortunately, many people listen to and believe these pieces of so-called wisdom to the point where it doesn't help their marriage and it only hinders its growth.

Many of the myths regarding relationships are incredibly damaging and it is unfortunate that they are such common beliefs. Once you understand why certain bits of advice or information can be regarded as myths, you can break through what could be blocking the growth of your marriage.

In fact, you may actually learn to appreciate your spouse and your role in your marriage even more.

Sensationalist television, magazines and talk radio have been key players when it comes to fueling any belief that there is a battle between the sexes happening.

While there are definitively some physical and psychological differences, they are not enough to earn the term 'battle' as a description.

When you allow yourself to consider any kind of battle between the sexes, you risk grouping all men or all women into a certain category and that leads to Stereotyping.

Once you recognize that your partner is a unique individual with a number of positive attributes, you can shed the thought that there should be any type of conflict between the two of you.

Any thought of battle or conflict only leads to lack of communication, misunderstandings and discourages growth in any relationship.

Nice guys finish last is one of the worst possible sayings floating around today.

Whoever thought of that and actually uttered those words must have been feeling truly low and full of self-pity because there simply cannot be any other explanation. Nice guys never finish last.

They may have a longer and harder road sometimes, but it isn't often that you see the bullies and jerks finishing first. If they aren't, who is? It's the nice guys, but they are so nice and gracious you don't hear them bragging about it.

It is also important to note that the word 'nice' doesn't mean 'weak' or ' effeminate' in any way. Nice means socially or conventionally correct; refined or virtuous and not at all negative in any way.

Nice is not another word for push over or spineless. Nice is as close to a 'perfect' man as you can come and they always end up first in line.

Romance is all you need in order to save your relationship is a wonderfully optimistic thought, but not quite accurate.

If simple romance were enough to save a marriage, it would be running wonderfully rampant throughout the world today. Unfortunately, it takes more than simple romance.

If you truly feel love for your spouse and you are expressing it through romance, then it will save your marriage. If you are trying to use romance to buy some time or to placate your spouse, then you are only buying time or placating your spouse.

Your time as a married couple is most likely limited and should be attended to immediately by a professional.

About The Author: How to Easily Transform a Miserable, Lifeless Marriage Relationship into One Filled With Love, Happiness, and Excitement - Just Visit:
marriage-problems.
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What can you do to enhance your marriage and your life? Look better and feel better with emotional intelligence and ARBONNE products. They have pure, natural ingredients. Nutraceuticals, cosmetics, anti-aging skincare, sunscreen, baby products (NO mineral oil), weight loss (NO ephedra)and more. Learn more about EQ here.

October is Emotional Intelligence Awareness Month

Emotional Intelligence is my field and so this has been a special month for Susan Dunn, Emotional Intelligence Coach. Eq is often what makes or breaks your career and relationships, and your general sense of well-being about life. What's most important to know is that EQ is not set at any given point in life. It can always be learned and improved.

So I invite you to get started now during Emotional Intelligence Awareness Month. Call me for coaching at 817-734-1471. I have offices in Manassas, VA and Chevy Chse, MD. In addition to individual coaching (in-person or by telecommunication), I offer intensive seminars in the DC area and Dallas, TX area. You can email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for more information.

I also train and certify Emotional Intelligence Coaches, and if there's now a month for its awareness, you know how important emotional intelligence has become.

Art, Poetry, Music, Emotional Intelligence and The Good Life

Refuse to Live Your Life Without Art, Poetry and Music
Q: Why should an Internet course in Emotional Intelligence include art, poetry and music? A: Because EQ involves understanding and being able to express your emotions, and art, poetry and music are the most suitable vehicles for this.

Art expresses emotions without words, and poetry, is, as someone said, "feelings through a crack pipe." While I haven't experienced anything through a crack pipe, I get the analogy, which is what poems, with their metaphors and analogies, are all about. It could also be said that good poetry 'disturbs.'

Music also goes where words can't. "Music is," said Ludwig van Beethoven, the dominant figure between the Classical and Romantic eras, who composed his Ninth Symphony when totally deaf, 'the mediator between the spiritual and the sensual life.'

"Music should strike fire from the heart of man, and bring tears from the eyes of woman,' he said. To me, it has done both. I have turned to Beethoven's 'Eroica' for inspiration in hard times, and put on a John Philip Sousa march when I didn't want to do housework.

Yet it was Beethoven who also said, 'A great poet is the most precious jewel of a nation.'

Poetry is unusual in that it's "measured"; it has a rhythm and a form. This somehow both contains the intense emotion, and also expresses it. It's one of those paradoxical things.

We often turn to poetry at major transitions in our life ' when we fall in love, or out of love, or lose our love. Poetry seems the best vehicle, with it's eloquence, it's containment, it's ability to distill. The way the death of your child or the face of your beloved make you feel is beyond words, and so, in a paradoxical way, is poetry.

When my son died some years ago, at the age of 21,I started writing poetry, as I have at every turning point in my life. The words of Alfred Lord Tennyson reverberated in my mind:

But for the unquiet heart and brain A use in measured language lies; The sad mechanic exercise, Like dull narcoties numbing pain.

Tennyson's poem, 'In Memoriam,' ends with the famous lines: 'T is better to have loved and lost, Than never to have loved at all,' which is what every parent struggling with the loss of a child must eventually reconcile.

Art, music and poetry are some of the ways we feel, learn about feeling, and express feelings. Indulge!

About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA Clinical Psychology, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc, author of The EQ Foundation Course© on the Internet. EQ coaching to enhance all areas of your life - relatinoships, career, resiliency, leadership, positive psychology, optimism, balance. The Samuel Chester Dunn II EQ Memorial Foundation brings art, poetry and music to children who otherwise would not experience them. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free EQ ezines.

Author: Susan Dunn, MA Clinical Psychology

The Dress Code: Handled with Emotional Intelligence

The Dress Code - more important now than ever, with the economy in the tank and jobs hard to come by -- and to keep. You can't afford to blow this one.

It strikes terror in the heart of some of us, while others ignore it completely. Some of us are relieved there is one; others of us resent it. The Dress Code: Does it affect your career, affect whether you're hired or not, affect how you're treated on the job? Definitely.

How do you 'manage' this particular area of your life? It requires emotional intelligence ' some awareness, creativity, flexibility and intuition, and a whole lot of common sense.

For instance, in former years I applied for a job at a major international law firm. At the interview, we were handed one sheet of instructions. The second item they chose to put on this piece of paper was, 'Since you have chosen to work in a conservative work environment...'

It went on to outline their strict dress code. Two of us were hired. The other one later complained to me about the dress code there. I maintain - she knew when she signed up, she agreed to it, she had no leg to stand on. If you like to work out certain, um, conflicts in your life via the dress code, that's your choice. Otherwise, here are some tips.

THE POLICY

Believe what you read. Part of EQ is reality-testing. If you're a free spirit who likes to express herself through wardrobe and accessories, don't work for a conservative law firm. Being provocative is not emotionally intelligent.

THE REALITY

There's the P&P manual, and then there's what really goes on. They don't always coincide. Once you're hired and working, EQ would suggest that you observe those around you and fit in. 'When in Rome, do as the Romans do.'

THE BASICS

·Start with neat and clean. No rumples, stains, frayed edges, hanging hemlines. Your clothes should look and smell clean and tidy. ·Make sure your clothes fit. ·Go easy on trends. A zebra-striped accent is okay. A total zebra look 'save it for a social occasion. ·Watch 'heaviness'. Don't load yourself down with big jewelry or weighty fabrics. ·Watch what you do around your face. You should 'set your face off,' not outshine it. ·Aim for a smooth look ' no underwear lines, for instance. ·Get the classics. The Little Black Dress really can get you everywhere ' wear the right 'tone' of jewelry depending on your skin tone ' pearls, gold, silver, it makes all the difference. Experiment. Black slacks and a white blouse (ivory, if you look sick in white, like I do) can take you anywhere. ·De-clutter. Less is more. ·Look at yourself in the mirror and see what you see. If you're applying for work at a business or corporation, err on the side of conservatism. If you work in an artistic field, you will, of course, have latitude. You likewise have some latitude if you're really good in a highly competitive filed. Though I might not go so far as my young friend and computer genius with the 4.0, who told me, 'I could show up for an interview with a bone in my nose and they'd hired me.'

CASUAL DAY

Often a nightmare for managers. Have you seen that memo circulating the Internet that starts out 'Starting May 1 we will have Casual Day on Fridays', proceeds through 'dashikis, turbans, bikinis, and gold lame jumpsuits are not...' and ends with 'Casual Day has been canceled.'

Some companies use phrases like 'client dress code' and 'meeting dress code' to help the good-taste-challenged. If they don't, use your common sense, quintessential EQ. If there's a big meeting, or clients coming to the office, dress accordingly.

WHAT'S IN & WHAT'S OUT

The other day a friend of mine (we live in TX) was heading for the D. C. area and asked for my advice re: wardrobe. I told her no florals, no bright colors...' She interrupted with 'How do YOU know?' Well, because I get around. I look around. I care.

My family moved every 2-3 years when I was growing up and in the summers I went to my grandmother's in a rural Texas town. I got tired of being made fun, so I learned to learn quick. 'Being made fun of' in the adult world can mean missing promotions, or being fired.

SO HOW TO FIND OUT MORE? ·People-watch. When you see someone well put-together, who looks really good, analyze why. Color? Fabric? Accessories or lack of them? ·People-ask. I can't think of anything more flattering than to be asked how I manage to look so good. Ask and you can learn theory. One thing you'll likely pick up, a la EQ, is that the person delights in dressing as they do. They're having fun. They're creative. Then remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.' ·Read magazines. Find some middle-of-the road magazine, something down-to-earth. Try 'Marie Claire.' It's a bit pricey but you can apply what you learn in a resale shop. FOR INSTANCE: They have 'The Best Jeans to Flatter Your Shape.' 'Great-fitting jeans are the ultimate wardrobe essential'and the hardest to find,' they say. I agree. The editors' pick for all figures happens to be $138, but I'd pay that just to see if they actually flattered me: http://magazines.ivillage.com/marieclaire . ·Watch tv shows with fashion in mind. Anchor people are good, too. ·Use the Internet. ·Watch who compliments you. One time I had on something I will not describe to you, and a teenaged boy with purple spikey hair and 5 earrings brushed past me in the store and said, 'Like, dude, cool outfit.' It went in the trash. What was I thinking? ·Work with a coach.

Like everything else, dressing appropriately and attractively can be learned, and it can make a difference in your life. The greatest accessory you can have is self-assurance. If you do your homework, you'll know you look right, and then you'll feel right. Personal Power!


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About the author: ©Susan Dunn, M.A., Clinical Psychology, The EQ Coach. Executive and individual coaching, EQ-culture programs for organizations, Internet courses on emotional intelligence. http://www.susandunn.cc , and mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine, 'EQ in the Workplace.' Please put 'EQ' for subject line. Increase your EQ and everyone benefits.

Old Farmer Aphorisms

Love these old farmer aphorisms and hope you do too. They have a lot of emotional intelligence to them
:
“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled.”

“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles.”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.”

“Don 't judge folks by their relatives.

“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”

“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.”

“Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.”

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

“The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”

“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”

“Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”

“Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.”

Need to interview people over 50 who are dating

We are preparing to write the most extensively researched book on Dating After 50 yet. This is a very complicated issue - dating after 50 - and we intend to interview 100s more people about what works and what doesn't, what they mean when they say "blah blah", how to tell who just wants sex v. who wants marriage v. some sort of relationship but no committment. We all wish people would wear labels!

We've already intereviewed 100s of men and women, but we will continue gathering data until time off publication. This is not a fabricated book about what we think, or wish, or imagine it's like. We are gathering HARD DATA so you can finally get some information about what really workss -- and what doesn't.

We will show you exactly how to interpret it when a man says, "LTR not necessary" or "my wife used to beat me," or "Let's start as friends and see what develops."

Email me NOW is you are willing to be interviewed, anonymously or otherwise - sdunn@susandunn.cc .

University of Haifa studies shows how valuable employees with high emotonal intelligence are to their employees - and predicts even moreso in the future

What took so long -- highly touted news release from Haifa, Israel, that emotional intelligence is highly valued in employees.

I got into this field 10 years ago because I knew I was on the upside of the curve for the greatest discovery in a long time. You see, emotional intelligence can be taught, it can be learned. I've coached people all over the world in emotional intelligence, and have trained and certified coaches to do the same, all over the world.

CALL ME NOW FOR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE COACHING - 817-734-1471

Excerpts from the article. Read the full article HERE.

Emotional intelligence refers to a person's ability to "read," understand and deal with emotions -- his or her own and those of others.

Study indicates employees with a high level of emotional intelligence were more satisfied with their jobs and were more committed to their organizations.

They also had fewer undesirable work attitudes -- such as burnout, intention to leave and negligent behavior.

"This study has shown that employees with a higher level of emotional intelligence are assets to their organization"

"I believe it will not be long before emotional intelligence is incorporated in employee screening and training processes and in employee assessment and promotion decisions."

Susan Dunn, Emotional Intelligence Coach since 2000
sdunn@susandunn.cc

What to do if your boss asks you to do something illegal or unethical

Soon to be published in the National Notary Association

WHAT TO DO IF YOUR BOSS ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING ILLEGAL OR UNETHICAL

And nowhere is it more important to have the self-awareness that is cornerstone of emotional intelligence. KInow your values. Know who you are.

You're the new secretary and your boss asks you to become a Notary Public. He then walks back into his office and you can hear him on the phone talking about a contract he wants out of, and the fact that he's going to falsify a date and signature -- "No problem, my secretary will do it."

It happened to me, has it happened to you? Here are some steps you can take.

1.Think beforehand about what you would do if this happened so you can think rationally when and if it should occur.

Emotions will come into play when and if it does that may confuse the issue for you. Intimidation, fear of losing your job, confusion about just what is ethical and what isn't, fear of authority, anger if you refuse to do it, trying to rationalize to justify your boss as a good person, wishing to avoid conflict.

2.Understand that just following orders won't necessarily protect you from criminal charges.

3.Don't comply.

Say "I won't do this."

4.Make documentation in writing about the chain of events for self-protection.

5.Consider reporting it to your HR department.

6.Consider reporting it to your legal department.

7.Use the ethical hotline.

Some forward-thinking organizations have an ethical hotline. The person in charge of this department has an old-fashioned telephone with no answering machine or caller ID. Ethical concern phone calls are accepted anonymously and handled in appropriate ways. Employess are encouraged to report unethical incidents. (At one time, USAA in San Antonio had this. I do not know if they still do.)

8.Use Intentionality.

Intentionality is one of the highest-level emotional intelligence competencies, because it requires that you accept responsiblity for both your actions and your motives. At this level you aren't allowed to say "I didn't mean to..." It requires that you manage difficult emotions and continue to think clearly. Be clear about your own stand. Do you do unethical or illegal things? This is a "yes" or "no" question.

By the same token, not knowing the law is not a justifiable defense.

9.Consider contacting a governmental agency like the Department of Labor or the SEC.

10.Consider hiring a lawyer.

11.Talk over what happened with someone knowledgeable - a coach, friend, or spouse. Get some perspective.

12.Get your resume ready just in case.

It's emotionally intelligent to plan ahead and protect yourself.

© copyright, Susan Dunn, 2002

10 Ways for Uniting Workers in the New Diverse Workplace

Never has it been more important in your organization to have a common language, and never has it been more elusive.

Today's office typically contains individuals from many different cultures, not just within the US, but from all over the world. People with different customs, beliefs, ways of thinking and different first-languages come together to work together, and the result can be confusion and misunderstanding.

'We need a common language,' a manager from a state education agency told me the other day on the phone. She was inquiring about an Emotional Intelligence program, correctly thinking it might be the 'new common language' for their agency. The old one, she said, something about 'Steps' had worn itself out. It is not easy understanding people from different cultures. It's not easy understand even on person! In the case of different cultures, we bring with us assumptions, stereotypes and generalizations which can get in the way of commonality.

Most of the time the technical vocabulary is understood, but other parts of communication are missed. Up to 90% of any communication is nonverbal, and gestures, postures, and expressions vary widely from one culture to another, as does intonation and phrasing.

It's easy to misunderstand another cultures expression of respect or warmth. When you meet someone new, the other person may be expecting a slight nod of the head, a quick handshake, a bow or a hug with a kiss on both cheeks. How are you to know?

I was working with a manager the other day who had a problem within the ranks. One of the employees was harassing some women, not all of them, or so the women were reporting, and it wasn't clear what was going on. When the manager called the employee in and got to the root of the problem, it turned out he assumed that women in marketing would not 'mind,' while the women in the other fields would. Where he got that idea wasn't clear, but people have their ideas.

We could substitute '

·Men don't mind ·Asian Americans don't mind ·Short people don't mind ·Presbyterians don't mind ·People who haven't finished college don't mind ·Southerners don't mind ·Rich people don't mind ·Irish people don't mind ·Hearing-impaired people don't mind

Generalities like this simply don't work.

In 'Beyond Race and Gender,' author R. Roosevelt Thomas defines managing diversity as 'a comprehensive managerial process for developing an environment that works for all employees.'

And 'all' employees are individuals, so there you have it.

There remains the need for a common language, and given the extreme diversity these days, Emotional Intelligence is an excellent tool. I have trained coaches from all over the world in EQ, and the concepts are understood by all. In fact there's interest in EQ all over the world.

Emotional Intelligence competencies include flexibility, intuition (good for reading nonverbal communication), resilience, interpersonal skills, communication and empathy. They are based on understanding one's own emotions and those of others, and managing your own and those of others for the best outcome. People from all cultures have the same emotions and want to be treated with respect. Emotional Intelligence can bring the common language and culture that is missing.

About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . I coach individuals in emotional intelligence, and offer EQ programs and cultures for businesses. Internet courses and ebooks available ( http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html ) for a total program of personal and professional development. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine.

New Year's Resolutions

Thinking about thinking about your New Year's resolutions? It's always in the back of our minds as we wend our way through the holiday merriment and another year comes to a close. If you're thinking, '@^&#*, the same thing will be No. 1 as was No. 1 last year!' why not try something different?rriment. Another year coming to an end.

New Year ' new start, but did you know that most people have already failed with their list by January 15th. If you don't want this to happen to you (again), consider getting the 'thing' that can make those resolutions works: a coach. It can be the prime ingredient for your success.

Coaching developed to meet a need that wasn't being met. We've all wished at one time or another we had a coach, like the pro athletes do; someone to help us be all we could be. Someone to shine some light on those corners, and remove the obstacles we seem to keep throwing in our paths without knowing why.

Coaches can help you get mindful!

Coaching is not for getting 'fixed.' It isn't to be confused with therapy. Some people enjoy the benefits of both therapy and coaching, which demonstrates the two are not the same thing. Coaching supplies something therapy cannot, and vice versa. In coaching, we focus on strengths, positive psychology, emotional intelligence, and forward movement. It's rapid and effective.

'Oh,' you may be thinking, 'So it's like having a friend.' No! Coaching is work and takes a trained professional. Done properly it takes more time, energy, focus and expertise than even the most well-meaning friend is likely to have. Friends ·Have their own agenda and issues ·Aren't objective ·Aren't trained or experienced ·Have a unidimensional relationship with you ' you know before you go what they're going to tell you to do. There are no surprises. ·Will give you answers

A coach, on the other hand is: ·Trained and experienced ·Objective ·Focused on you, not themselves ·Will come up with some real surprises for you if they're any good at what they do! After all, if what you've been doing were working, you wouldn't be where you are right now, right? ·Will give you questions

The New Year is a perfect time to start coaching. A coach can help you make a realistic list of resolutions and then coach you to complete each item on your list. Wouldn't you like to be feeling different at this time next year. Perhaps you caould even say, 'For the first time in my life XXX is not on my list of resolutions!'

How to find your coach? Look on a search engine, of go to one of these referral sites: Premier Coach Referral Service, http://www.webstrategies.cc/coachreferralservice.htm , Coach Federation, http://www.coachfederation.org , or CoachVille.com , http://www.coachville.com . Then call a couple of coaches for sample sessions. You have nothing to lose but that No. 1 thing on your list of resolutions.


HAPPY HUNTING AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA, cEQc, The EQ Coach', http://www.susandunn.cc . Author of 'How to Live Your Life with Emotional Intelligence,' ( http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html ) and The EQ Foundation Course©, 12 modules on the Internet, http://www.webstrategies.cc/EQcourse.htm . BRINGING THE POWER OF EQ TO YOU through coaching and DL. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE eZine.
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Amici Opera Band and EQ

for The Opera Band
Rating: 10

As an Emotional Intelligence coach, I’m well aware of the abilities of music – the right kind of music – to transport us, soothe and delight us, and even to bolster our immune system. We convert the right kind of music (as Pythagorus knew) into brain waves, and if it’s alpha you’re after, or even deeper, this is the CD for you. It’s no wonder the Greeks made the god of music the god of healing as well.

While the reviewer says we don’t need another version of “Nessun Dorma,” I beg to differ. We needed this one, and I’ve heard a few. The voices are magnificent, and the orchestration is just the way I would’ve done it, and I hope Puccini would have as well.

As someone who ‘discovered’ “Unchained Melody” long before, long before … this version transcends them all. One of the most beautiful melodies ever written, and especially impacting if you understand the circumstances behind its creation, the Opera Band does it justice. It only needed to be called “Senza Catene” and put to Italian, which, as George V felt, is the language for speaking to women. Spanish to talk to God, French to talk to the soldiers, and German to talk to one’s horse –

“Whisper of Angels” — it’s the quintessential falling-in-love song. The lyrics — “I was yours before the first morn broke…” … “I’ll be the shadows at twilight …”

My favorite, if I must name one, “Prayer in the Night.” Mssr. Nick Garret, our talented bass, has a way of anchoring the pain you’ll never forget, as he does in “Senza Catene.” If you’re a bass-lover, like I am, listen up. They never get the good arias … until now.

Buy the album and enjoy. It’s probably good for your health!

10 ways to use music with EQ during the holiday season

This might be a time of year where you're looking for, oh, some different ways to soothe, level, motivate, energize yourself and otherwise get on top of your cascading emotions. The EQ Foundation Course© ( http://www.webstrategies.cc/EQcourse.htm ) emphasizes the great arts as an adjunct to Emotional Intelligence, though the not-so-great are helpful too. May we suggest?

1. Need to get solidly centered

Like, as the metaphysicians say, when you vision yourself growing a tail and having it grow like an anchor down to the center of the earth kind of centered?

Try anything with a big solid bass, up loud, but make sure the lyrics don't interfere. The right-brain will dominate and you'll hear the music first, but your left-brain will still be getting the lyrics. Thus, avoid "Oh Elizabeth" which has the beat, but the lyrics are sad.

OUR SUGGESTION: 'I Loved 'Em Everyone,' by T. G. Sheppard


10 Ways to Use Music with EQ During the Holiday Season

2. Need to deal with something heavy, such as last year your father died on Christmas Eve and here comes the first anniversary

OUR SUGGESTION: Only classical music will work for this and that's why we call it classical. For such a deep need, to maintain your grip when something's rocked the foundation of your world, we recommend, Beethoven's 'Eroica'.

"Eroica" means "heroic" and that you will need to be.

Beethoven lived through the worst thing that can happen to a person. It's there, in his music. For you.

3. To get lightly level

OUR SUGGESTION: Nothing will probably ever compare to Pachelbel's "Canon". After that we give 5 stars to George Winston, particularly 'December.' Good masseuses play these tapes. There are no ups and downs and that may be just what you're aiming at. :)

Also "What Child is This"

4. To rip the heart out of Christmas, like when you want to just sit down in front of the tree and cry at the beauty and the splendor of it all and get it over with and then eat a pint of Haagen Daz and go to sleep

OUR SUGGESTION: Pavarotti's Christmas video, Panis Angelicus duet with the little boy, especially if you had a little boy who now has whiskers on his cheeks. Or Placido Domingo with the Vienna Boys Choir. Then you can pull out your heart and put it on the table beside you, right there beside the dish of peppermints, and the cinnamon-scented candle, and you'll know you had Christmas.

5. Want something Christmassy but light

OUR SUGGESTION: Harp music is good for this, like for baking cookies to. It doesn't pull the emotions. It's close to the lyre, the instrument the Greek god Orpheus played to soothe the savage beasts, and to win a favor from Hades, the god to whom there is no altar (death), the god with whom there is no bargaining.

Completely upbeat, light and fun is "A Reggae Christmas," ( http:/ inyurl.com/y6sp ) by Various Artists, and yes, my friend, "sensei" does rhyme with "pear tree." Listen to it on the way in to work. That's girl's laughter will carry you through your day - The Ras Family, "We Wish You a Merry Christmas," and June Lodge's "Joy to the World" will put joy in YOUR world.

6. Need to get some physical work done, sick of Christmas, got the kids around

GP RECOMMENDATION: (1) "Great Balls of Fire," Jerry Lee Lewis. How could you possibly be 'mindful' with that going on? It's great fun. It will clear the air. (2) "Don't Worry Be Happy," by Marley.

7. The out-laws are coming, I mean the IN-laws, and you, exhausted, crabby and high on sugar as you are, must clean the house and you aren't exactly in the MOOD for a Christmas Carol, if you know what I mean

OUR G SUGGESTION: If you haven't cleaned house with your two preschoolers marching along behind you to a John Philip Sousa march, you haven't lived. Give the little one a paper hat and get out his toy drum. Ok, quit laughing and taking pictures and get back to work, you!

OUR PG SUGGESTION: Got older kids you need to get working with you? Call it "the main event," and put on the Jock Jams, "Let's Get Ready to Rumble," http:/ inyurl.com/y6tw .

OUR X RATED SUGGESTION: You and your partner put "Cotton Eyed Joe" on -- I mean the Texas version ' and invent your own lyrics appropos to the, um, challenges of the moment. (This is popular at office holiday parties with adjusted lyrics as well!) And DO the Cotton Eye Joe as you push that vacuum around. Here's how: http://www.partydirectory.com/guide/cotton.htm .

OUR X-17 RATED SUGGESTION: The Pogues, "A New York Fairytale." The boys in the NYPD were singing Galway Bay ... (a little venting).

8. Need to be inspired and also to get in touch with the spiritual side of Christmas

OUR SUGGESTION: Handel's 'Messiah, Hallelujah Chorus,' of course. Just the chorus, unless you're an aficianado and can afford to tire yourself out.

Remember, if you will, that when you hear "The Hallelujah Chorus," you are to stand up.

Do this. Right there at home in your living room. It will do something for you.

Great Christmas Carols like "Hark the Herald Angels Sing," and "Go Tell It on the Mountain"

9. Now, or any time you're beginning to feel just slightly resentful of all your 'blessings'

OUR SUGGESTION: 'Lord, What Did I Ever Do,' by the Oak Ridge Boys is great for attitude adjustment.

10. For the peace that passeth all understanding

OUR SUGGESTION: Stille Naq, Noite de Paz, Noche de Paz, Sainte Nuit, Cicha Noc, Glade Jul, Stille Nacht, Po La`i E, or, as many of us know it, Silent Night, the lullaby that's been translated into every language on earth, composed by the greatest unsung duo in musical history, Mohr (lyrics) and Gruber (melody).

We also recommend "Ave Maria."

Let them still your heart and bring you peace.

About the author: (c)Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach, www.webstrategies.cc. May we help you write and launch your eBook? Writing, editing, pdf formatting, print-on-demand, ISBN, website, sales letter, press releases, book reviews, everything you need to have it up and running in 6-8 weeks. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE eZine. Put "checklist" for subject line.