Susan Dunn's Favorite Communication Operating Principles

Favorite Communication Operating Principles
by Susan Dunn

Virginia Sapir, a psychologist and pioneer in family counseling, wrote: "Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships he makes with others and what happens to him in the world about him."

With this in mind, I present some my favorite Communication Operating Principals.

1. "In order to understand what another person is saying you must assume it is true and try to imagine what it could be true of."
~ George Miller ~

2. "The first law of communication is: Assume you have been misunderstood."
~ Source Unknown ~

3. "Men can take up to 7 hours longer [than women] to process complex emotive data. [They] will not know what they feel at the moment of feeling and will take longer to figure it out. [They] may not be able to put their feelings in words - if they choose a verbal strategy at all."
~Michael Gurian, author of "What Could He Be Thinking" ~

4. "Verbal confrontation is as natural to men as walking or breathing, and as unconscious."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin, author of "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" ~

5. "There is a libraryful of research to indicate that logic is almost useless as a way of convincing people of anything."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

6. "Never use Hedges ('I know you'd never let me, but . '). They are exactly equivalent to wearing a big sign that say 'Please kick me - I would love to be a victim.'"
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

7. "If a man truly wants to communicate with his wife, he must enter her world of emotions."
~ Gary Smalley ~

8. "For parlor use, the vague generality is a life saver."
~ George Ade ~

9. "The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said."
~ Peter Drucker ~

10. "Sympathetic people often don't communicate well. They * back reflected images which hide their own depths."
~ George Eliot ~

11. "If you can always be taken by surprise because you have no idea what verbal aggression is or how to spot it, you are an ideal target."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

12. "The genius of communication is the ability to be both totally honest and totally kind at the same time."
~ John Powell ~

Whether we're communicating at work, socially, or in an intimate relationship, and whether we're communicating thoughts or feelings, it's a strategy, a choice we make in an effort to accomplish something. And, it's good to remember - if you're there, you're communicating SOMETHING, whether you mean to or not.

Interpersonal skills are part of emotional intelligence and can be learned. Become aware of your communication style and work to improve it.

Susan Dunn's Favorite Communication Operating Principles

Favorite Communication Operating Principles
by Susan Dunn

Virginia Sapir, a psychologist and pioneer in family counseling, wrote: "Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships he makes with others and what happens to him in the world about him."

With this in mind, I present some my favorite Communication Operating Principals.

1. "In order to understand what another person is saying you must assume it is true and try to imagine what it could be true of."
~ George Miller ~

2. "The first law of communication is: Assume you have been misunderstood."
~ Source Unknown ~

3. "Men can take up to 7 hours longer [than women] to process complex emotive data. [They] will not know what they feel at the moment of feeling and will take longer to figure it out. [They] may not be able to put their feelings in words - if they choose a verbal strategy at all."
~Michael Gurian, author of "What Could He Be Thinking" ~

4. "Verbal confrontation is as natural to men as walking or breathing, and as unconscious."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin, author of "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" ~

5. "There is a libraryful of research to indicate that logic is almost useless as a way of convincing people of anything."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

6. "Never use Hedges ('I know you'd never let me, but . '). They are exactly equivalent to wearing a big sign that say 'Please kick me - I would love to be a victim.'"
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

7. "If a man truly wants to communicate with his wife, he must enter her world of emotions."
~ Gary Smalley ~

8. "For parlor use, the vague generality is a life saver."
~ George Ade ~

9. "The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said."
~ Peter Drucker ~

10. "Sympathetic people often don't communicate well. They * back reflected images which hide their own depths."
~ George Eliot ~

11. "If you can always be taken by surprise because you have no idea what verbal aggression is or how to spot it, you are an ideal target."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

12. "The genius of communication is the ability to be both totally honest and totally kind at the same time."
~ John Powell ~

Whether we're communicating at work, socially, or in an intimate relationship, and whether we're communicating thoughts or feelings, it's a strategy, a choice we make in an effort to accomplish something. And, it's good to remember - if you're there, you're communicating SOMETHING, whether you mean to or not.

Interpersonal skills are part of emotional intelligence and can be learned. Become aware of your communication style and work to improve it.

To Jargon or Not: Do You Know When You Are?

The use of jargon ... emotional intelligence rides on SELF-AWARENESS. So the first point on this topic is -- do you know what jargon is, and when you are using it? From there, we go to: Do you know WHEN and WHY to use it.

This article I quote from thinks the topic is particularly relevant to written English. I think it is just as much so with spoken English. Words are words. "Jargon," to me, means the special words used within a certain field that include those in the field, and exclude those not in the field. When I was in marketing, I learned to say "two-sided, one up" when talking to the printer. The client would have no idea what I meant. In psychology, I learned to say "passive-aggressive personality." Those in the field know the parameters; the danger of that one is that people outside the field think they know what it means, and generally do not. But the same could be said for all jargon.

Another example of "jargon" is grammatical. In some fields, it is common to "verbalize" nouns. In others, it is not. In some fields, one must be grammatically correct. In others, it is gauche to care about how you write.

We proceed, with the addition that - the purpose of words is supposed to be to communicate. If what you say is not understood by the others, you have not communicated.

Here's a classic. Years ago the only thing PMS meant was the color charts people in marketing used when designing brochures, logos, etc. Since more people are color-blind than would like to admit, and since - well I just had lunch and that lime green shirt, sir, is NOT "teal." (and so it goes)

Well the acronym PMS has been pre-empted.

Some notes from "Are You on the Inside Or the Outside of Jargon?" by Jeanie Marshall, a colleague in personal development coaching:

Jargon is a powerful time saver, if you are inside the circle of people who know its meaning.

If you are outside that circle, though, the use of jargon can confuse, annoy, or exclude you.

The extent this is problematic to you will depend on how much you want to be in the inner circle.

Entering any new subculture requires getting acquainted with the vernacular.

Understanding acronyms, jargon, shortcuts, inside humor, and incomplete sentences are all part of getting acclimated to a subculture or inner circle.

It's a great article. Check it out and share your thoughts.

Marshall ends with an Einstein quote: "If you can't explain something simply, you don't know enough about it." It was given to us in clinical psychology graduate school (ah, the jargon) as: "If you can't explain it to your grandmother, you don't know what you're talking about."

No offense to grandmothers, I am one. But I think it gets the point across more clearly. The point is, when you are talking to someone clearly outside your "field," it behooves you to be able to switch your language accordingly. They'll like you a whole lot more, and people relax when they like and trust someone, and then they can hear and learn.

If you are not aware of how you speak, and how it is different from how others speak, or other ways of speaking, you will be lost. And that's what emotional intelligence is all about. Communication is just one of the many facets that will improve, when you learn the meta-field of emotional intelligence.

Capisce?

I invite you to join me for coaching. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Business Communication doesn't have to be Jargon

Creating Passionate Users: When only the glib win, we all lose

Please, please go visit this blogsite. The graphics are so good, all you have to do is look at them and you've got the message.

NO JARGON

If you've worked with me, taken one of my Internet courses, or read one of my ebooks, you know that I hate "jargon" and don't use it. The courses and ebooks are all post-grad level, but they are in plain English.

When I was in grad school and getting a little heady about how smart I was about to be, I wrote a paper full of obfuscations and the professor told me he agreed with Einstein -- if you can't explain it to your grandmother*, you don't know what you're talking about. He said never to be afraid to say it in clearly, with short words.

In fact that's a really good idea in tense situations, like where you're the expert, boss or authority figure. Consider a doctor delivering bad news, for instance. There's a great email going around about friendship, where one of the items is "And when you're upset, I'll speak to you in short words."

(That's an anachronism, of course, grandmother. How about - if you can't explain it to a 10 year old ... )

Now if you were standing in the office instead of at the ironing board, and someone started talking at you that way, wouldn't you RUN?

These graphics are reproduced under the creative commons agreements.

http://headrush.typepad.com/

Isn't that marvelous?

This blogster is a real genius, the kind with IQ AND EQ.

To improve your communication, take THE EQ COURSE. It reinforces some of the other points made on this blog -- that PowerPoint doesn't teach, people teach ... that throwing money at a problem doesn't solve it ... that the more you micromanage, the more you make dysfunctional idiots out of your employees, that two heads aren't always better than one ... and don't start your presentation, book, talk "at the beginning".

It's just a great site. Take some time and browse it.

My life's work is helping people get along better, get more done, have more success in relationships and at work, and enjoy their life more. This takes high emotional intelligence, understanding how you operate and also how the other person does.