Marriage ... Myths ...

ROMANCE AND HAPPY MARRIAGE MYTHS

This is such a nice little article. What goes around comes around!
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The institution of marriage is surrounded by a number of myths,stories and advice freely offered by people on a daily basis.

Unfortunately, many people listen to and believe these pieces of so-called wisdom to the point where it doesn't help their marriage and it only hinders its growth.

Many of the myths regarding relationships are incredibly damaging and it is unfortunate that they are such common beliefs. Once you understand why certain bits of advice or information can be regarded as myths, you can break through what could be blocking the growth of your marriage.

In fact, you may actually learn to appreciate your spouse and your role in your marriage even more.

Sensationalist television, magazines and talk radio have been key players when it comes to fueling any belief that there is a battle between the sexes happening.

While there are definitively some physical and psychological differences, they are not enough to earn the term 'battle' as a description.

When you allow yourself to consider any kind of battle between the sexes, you risk grouping all men or all women into a certain category and that leads to Stereotyping.

Once you recognize that your partner is a unique individual with a number of positive attributes, you can shed the thought that there should be any type of conflict between the two of you.

Any thought of battle or conflict only leads to lack of communication, misunderstandings and discourages growth in any relationship.

Nice guys finish last is one of the worst possible sayings floating around today.

Whoever thought of that and actually uttered those words must have been feeling truly low and full of self-pity because there simply cannot be any other explanation. Nice guys never finish last.

They may have a longer and harder road sometimes, but it isn't often that you see the bullies and jerks finishing first. If they aren't, who is? It's the nice guys, but they are so nice and gracious you don't hear them bragging about it.

It is also important to note that the word 'nice' doesn't mean 'weak' or ' effeminate' in any way. Nice means socially or conventionally correct; refined or virtuous and not at all negative in any way.

Nice is not another word for push over or spineless. Nice is as close to a 'perfect' man as you can come and they always end up first in line.

Romance is all you need in order to save your relationship is a wonderfully optimistic thought, but not quite accurate.

If simple romance were enough to save a marriage, it would be running wonderfully rampant throughout the world today. Unfortunately, it takes more than simple romance.

If you truly feel love for your spouse and you are expressing it through romance, then it will save your marriage. If you are trying to use romance to buy some time or to placate your spouse, then you are only buying time or placating your spouse.

Your time as a married couple is most likely limited and should be attended to immediately by a professional.

About The Author: How to Easily Transform a Miserable, Lifeless Marriage Relationship into One Filled With Love, Happiness, and Excitement - Just Visit:
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October is Emotional Intelligence Awareness Month

Emotional Intelligence is my field and so this has been a special month for Susan Dunn, Emotional Intelligence Coach. Eq is often what makes or breaks your career and relationships, and your general sense of well-being about life. What's most important to know is that EQ is not set at any given point in life. It can always be learned and improved.

So I invite you to get started now during Emotional Intelligence Awareness Month. Call me for coaching at 817-734-1471. I have offices in Manassas, VA and Chevy Chse, MD. In addition to individual coaching (in-person or by telecommunication), I offer intensive seminars in the DC area and Dallas, TX area. You can email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for more information.

I also train and certify Emotional Intelligence Coaches, and if there's now a month for its awareness, you know how important emotional intelligence has become.

Art, Poetry, Music, Emotional Intelligence and The Good Life

Refuse to Live Your Life Without Art, Poetry and Music
Q: Why should an Internet course in Emotional Intelligence include art, poetry and music? A: Because EQ involves understanding and being able to express your emotions, and art, poetry and music are the most suitable vehicles for this.

Art expresses emotions without words, and poetry, is, as someone said, "feelings through a crack pipe." While I haven't experienced anything through a crack pipe, I get the analogy, which is what poems, with their metaphors and analogies, are all about. It could also be said that good poetry 'disturbs.'

Music also goes where words can't. "Music is," said Ludwig van Beethoven, the dominant figure between the Classical and Romantic eras, who composed his Ninth Symphony when totally deaf, 'the mediator between the spiritual and the sensual life.'

"Music should strike fire from the heart of man, and bring tears from the eyes of woman,' he said. To me, it has done both. I have turned to Beethoven's 'Eroica' for inspiration in hard times, and put on a John Philip Sousa march when I didn't want to do housework.

Yet it was Beethoven who also said, 'A great poet is the most precious jewel of a nation.'

Poetry is unusual in that it's "measured"; it has a rhythm and a form. This somehow both contains the intense emotion, and also expresses it. It's one of those paradoxical things.

We often turn to poetry at major transitions in our life ' when we fall in love, or out of love, or lose our love. Poetry seems the best vehicle, with it's eloquence, it's containment, it's ability to distill. The way the death of your child or the face of your beloved make you feel is beyond words, and so, in a paradoxical way, is poetry.

When my son died some years ago, at the age of 21,I started writing poetry, as I have at every turning point in my life. The words of Alfred Lord Tennyson reverberated in my mind:

But for the unquiet heart and brain A use in measured language lies; The sad mechanic exercise, Like dull narcoties numbing pain.

Tennyson's poem, 'In Memoriam,' ends with the famous lines: 'T is better to have loved and lost, Than never to have loved at all,' which is what every parent struggling with the loss of a child must eventually reconcile.

Art, music and poetry are some of the ways we feel, learn about feeling, and express feelings. Indulge!

About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA Clinical Psychology, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc, author of The EQ Foundation Course© on the Internet. EQ coaching to enhance all areas of your life - relatinoships, career, resiliency, leadership, positive psychology, optimism, balance. The Samuel Chester Dunn II EQ Memorial Foundation brings art, poetry and music to children who otherwise would not experience them. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free EQ ezines.

Author: Susan Dunn, MA Clinical Psychology

The Dress Code: Handled with Emotional Intelligence

The Dress Code - more important now than ever, with the economy in the tank and jobs hard to come by -- and to keep. You can't afford to blow this one.

It strikes terror in the heart of some of us, while others ignore it completely. Some of us are relieved there is one; others of us resent it. The Dress Code: Does it affect your career, affect whether you're hired or not, affect how you're treated on the job? Definitely.

How do you 'manage' this particular area of your life? It requires emotional intelligence ' some awareness, creativity, flexibility and intuition, and a whole lot of common sense.

For instance, in former years I applied for a job at a major international law firm. At the interview, we were handed one sheet of instructions. The second item they chose to put on this piece of paper was, 'Since you have chosen to work in a conservative work environment...'

It went on to outline their strict dress code. Two of us were hired. The other one later complained to me about the dress code there. I maintain - she knew when she signed up, she agreed to it, she had no leg to stand on. If you like to work out certain, um, conflicts in your life via the dress code, that's your choice. Otherwise, here are some tips.

THE POLICY

Believe what you read. Part of EQ is reality-testing. If you're a free spirit who likes to express herself through wardrobe and accessories, don't work for a conservative law firm. Being provocative is not emotionally intelligent.

THE REALITY

There's the P&P manual, and then there's what really goes on. They don't always coincide. Once you're hired and working, EQ would suggest that you observe those around you and fit in. 'When in Rome, do as the Romans do.'

THE BASICS

·Start with neat and clean. No rumples, stains, frayed edges, hanging hemlines. Your clothes should look and smell clean and tidy. ·Make sure your clothes fit. ·Go easy on trends. A zebra-striped accent is okay. A total zebra look 'save it for a social occasion. ·Watch 'heaviness'. Don't load yourself down with big jewelry or weighty fabrics. ·Watch what you do around your face. You should 'set your face off,' not outshine it. ·Aim for a smooth look ' no underwear lines, for instance. ·Get the classics. The Little Black Dress really can get you everywhere ' wear the right 'tone' of jewelry depending on your skin tone ' pearls, gold, silver, it makes all the difference. Experiment. Black slacks and a white blouse (ivory, if you look sick in white, like I do) can take you anywhere. ·De-clutter. Less is more. ·Look at yourself in the mirror and see what you see. If you're applying for work at a business or corporation, err on the side of conservatism. If you work in an artistic field, you will, of course, have latitude. You likewise have some latitude if you're really good in a highly competitive filed. Though I might not go so far as my young friend and computer genius with the 4.0, who told me, 'I could show up for an interview with a bone in my nose and they'd hired me.'

CASUAL DAY

Often a nightmare for managers. Have you seen that memo circulating the Internet that starts out 'Starting May 1 we will have Casual Day on Fridays', proceeds through 'dashikis, turbans, bikinis, and gold lame jumpsuits are not...' and ends with 'Casual Day has been canceled.'

Some companies use phrases like 'client dress code' and 'meeting dress code' to help the good-taste-challenged. If they don't, use your common sense, quintessential EQ. If there's a big meeting, or clients coming to the office, dress accordingly.

WHAT'S IN & WHAT'S OUT

The other day a friend of mine (we live in TX) was heading for the D. C. area and asked for my advice re: wardrobe. I told her no florals, no bright colors...' She interrupted with 'How do YOU know?' Well, because I get around. I look around. I care.

My family moved every 2-3 years when I was growing up and in the summers I went to my grandmother's in a rural Texas town. I got tired of being made fun, so I learned to learn quick. 'Being made fun of' in the adult world can mean missing promotions, or being fired.

SO HOW TO FIND OUT MORE? ·People-watch. When you see someone well put-together, who looks really good, analyze why. Color? Fabric? Accessories or lack of them? ·People-ask. I can't think of anything more flattering than to be asked how I manage to look so good. Ask and you can learn theory. One thing you'll likely pick up, a la EQ, is that the person delights in dressing as they do. They're having fun. They're creative. Then remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.' ·Read magazines. Find some middle-of-the road magazine, something down-to-earth. Try 'Marie Claire.' It's a bit pricey but you can apply what you learn in a resale shop. FOR INSTANCE: They have 'The Best Jeans to Flatter Your Shape.' 'Great-fitting jeans are the ultimate wardrobe essential'and the hardest to find,' they say. I agree. The editors' pick for all figures happens to be $138, but I'd pay that just to see if they actually flattered me: http://magazines.ivillage.com/marieclaire . ·Watch tv shows with fashion in mind. Anchor people are good, too. ·Use the Internet. ·Watch who compliments you. One time I had on something I will not describe to you, and a teenaged boy with purple spikey hair and 5 earrings brushed past me in the store and said, 'Like, dude, cool outfit.' It went in the trash. What was I thinking? ·Work with a coach.

Like everything else, dressing appropriately and attractively can be learned, and it can make a difference in your life. The greatest accessory you can have is self-assurance. If you do your homework, you'll know you look right, and then you'll feel right. Personal Power!


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About the author: ©Susan Dunn, M.A., Clinical Psychology, The EQ Coach. Executive and individual coaching, EQ-culture programs for organizations, Internet courses on emotional intelligence. http://www.susandunn.cc , and mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine, 'EQ in the Workplace.' Please put 'EQ' for subject line. Increase your EQ and everyone benefits.

Old Farmer Aphorisms

Love these old farmer aphorisms and hope you do too. They have a lot of emotional intelligence to them
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“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled.”

“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles.”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.”

“Don 't judge folks by their relatives.

“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”

“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.”

“Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.”

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

“The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”

“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”

“Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”

“Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.”

Need to interview people over 50 who are dating

We are preparing to write the most extensively researched book on Dating After 50 yet. This is a very complicated issue - dating after 50 - and we intend to interview 100s more people about what works and what doesn't, what they mean when they say "blah blah", how to tell who just wants sex v. who wants marriage v. some sort of relationship but no committment. We all wish people would wear labels!

We've already intereviewed 100s of men and women, but we will continue gathering data until time off publication. This is not a fabricated book about what we think, or wish, or imagine it's like. We are gathering HARD DATA so you can finally get some information about what really workss -- and what doesn't.

We will show you exactly how to interpret it when a man says, "LTR not necessary" or "my wife used to beat me," or "Let's start as friends and see what develops."

Email me NOW is you are willing to be interviewed, anonymously or otherwise - sdunn@susandunn.cc .

University of Haifa studies shows how valuable employees with high emotonal intelligence are to their employees - and predicts even moreso in the future

What took so long -- highly touted news release from Haifa, Israel, that emotional intelligence is highly valued in employees.

I got into this field 10 years ago because I knew I was on the upside of the curve for the greatest discovery in a long time. You see, emotional intelligence can be taught, it can be learned. I've coached people all over the world in emotional intelligence, and have trained and certified coaches to do the same, all over the world.

CALL ME NOW FOR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE COACHING - 817-734-1471

Excerpts from the article. Read the full article HERE.

Emotional intelligence refers to a person's ability to "read," understand and deal with emotions -- his or her own and those of others.

Study indicates employees with a high level of emotional intelligence were more satisfied with their jobs and were more committed to their organizations.

They also had fewer undesirable work attitudes -- such as burnout, intention to leave and negligent behavior.

"This study has shown that employees with a higher level of emotional intelligence are assets to their organization"

"I believe it will not be long before emotional intelligence is incorporated in employee screening and training processes and in employee assessment and promotion decisions."

Susan Dunn, Emotional Intelligence Coach since 2000
sdunn@susandunn.cc

What to do if your boss asks you to do something illegal or unethical

Soon to be published in the National Notary Association

WHAT TO DO IF YOUR BOSS ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING ILLEGAL OR UNETHICAL

And nowhere is it more important to have the self-awareness that is cornerstone of emotional intelligence. KInow your values. Know who you are.

You're the new secretary and your boss asks you to become a Notary Public. He then walks back into his office and you can hear him on the phone talking about a contract he wants out of, and the fact that he's going to falsify a date and signature -- "No problem, my secretary will do it."

It happened to me, has it happened to you? Here are some steps you can take.

1.Think beforehand about what you would do if this happened so you can think rationally when and if it should occur.

Emotions will come into play when and if it does that may confuse the issue for you. Intimidation, fear of losing your job, confusion about just what is ethical and what isn't, fear of authority, anger if you refuse to do it, trying to rationalize to justify your boss as a good person, wishing to avoid conflict.

2.Understand that just following orders won't necessarily protect you from criminal charges.

3.Don't comply.

Say "I won't do this."

4.Make documentation in writing about the chain of events for self-protection.

5.Consider reporting it to your HR department.

6.Consider reporting it to your legal department.

7.Use the ethical hotline.

Some forward-thinking organizations have an ethical hotline. The person in charge of this department has an old-fashioned telephone with no answering machine or caller ID. Ethical concern phone calls are accepted anonymously and handled in appropriate ways. Employess are encouraged to report unethical incidents. (At one time, USAA in San Antonio had this. I do not know if they still do.)

8.Use Intentionality.

Intentionality is one of the highest-level emotional intelligence competencies, because it requires that you accept responsiblity for both your actions and your motives. At this level you aren't allowed to say "I didn't mean to..." It requires that you manage difficult emotions and continue to think clearly. Be clear about your own stand. Do you do unethical or illegal things? This is a "yes" or "no" question.

By the same token, not knowing the law is not a justifiable defense.

9.Consider contacting a governmental agency like the Department of Labor or the SEC.

10.Consider hiring a lawyer.

11.Talk over what happened with someone knowledgeable - a coach, friend, or spouse. Get some perspective.

12.Get your resume ready just in case.

It's emotionally intelligent to plan ahead and protect yourself.

© copyright, Susan Dunn, 2002

10 Ways for Uniting Workers in the New Diverse Workplace

Never has it been more important in your organization to have a common language, and never has it been more elusive.

Today's office typically contains individuals from many different cultures, not just within the US, but from all over the world. People with different customs, beliefs, ways of thinking and different first-languages come together to work together, and the result can be confusion and misunderstanding.

'We need a common language,' a manager from a state education agency told me the other day on the phone. She was inquiring about an Emotional Intelligence program, correctly thinking it might be the 'new common language' for their agency. The old one, she said, something about 'Steps' had worn itself out. It is not easy understanding people from different cultures. It's not easy understand even on person! In the case of different cultures, we bring with us assumptions, stereotypes and generalizations which can get in the way of commonality.

Most of the time the technical vocabulary is understood, but other parts of communication are missed. Up to 90% of any communication is nonverbal, and gestures, postures, and expressions vary widely from one culture to another, as does intonation and phrasing.

It's easy to misunderstand another cultures expression of respect or warmth. When you meet someone new, the other person may be expecting a slight nod of the head, a quick handshake, a bow or a hug with a kiss on both cheeks. How are you to know?

I was working with a manager the other day who had a problem within the ranks. One of the employees was harassing some women, not all of them, or so the women were reporting, and it wasn't clear what was going on. When the manager called the employee in and got to the root of the problem, it turned out he assumed that women in marketing would not 'mind,' while the women in the other fields would. Where he got that idea wasn't clear, but people have their ideas.

We could substitute '

·Men don't mind ·Asian Americans don't mind ·Short people don't mind ·Presbyterians don't mind ·People who haven't finished college don't mind ·Southerners don't mind ·Rich people don't mind ·Irish people don't mind ·Hearing-impaired people don't mind

Generalities like this simply don't work.

In 'Beyond Race and Gender,' author R. Roosevelt Thomas defines managing diversity as 'a comprehensive managerial process for developing an environment that works for all employees.'

And 'all' employees are individuals, so there you have it.

There remains the need for a common language, and given the extreme diversity these days, Emotional Intelligence is an excellent tool. I have trained coaches from all over the world in EQ, and the concepts are understood by all. In fact there's interest in EQ all over the world.

Emotional Intelligence competencies include flexibility, intuition (good for reading nonverbal communication), resilience, interpersonal skills, communication and empathy. They are based on understanding one's own emotions and those of others, and managing your own and those of others for the best outcome. People from all cultures have the same emotions and want to be treated with respect. Emotional Intelligence can bring the common language and culture that is missing.

About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . I coach individuals in emotional intelligence, and offer EQ programs and cultures for businesses. Internet courses and ebooks available ( http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html ) for a total program of personal and professional development. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine.

New Year's Resolutions

Thinking about thinking about your New Year's resolutions? It's always in the back of our minds as we wend our way through the holiday merriment and another year comes to a close. If you're thinking, '@^&#*, the same thing will be No. 1 as was No. 1 last year!' why not try something different?rriment. Another year coming to an end.

New Year ' new start, but did you know that most people have already failed with their list by January 15th. If you don't want this to happen to you (again), consider getting the 'thing' that can make those resolutions works: a coach. It can be the prime ingredient for your success.

Coaching developed to meet a need that wasn't being met. We've all wished at one time or another we had a coach, like the pro athletes do; someone to help us be all we could be. Someone to shine some light on those corners, and remove the obstacles we seem to keep throwing in our paths without knowing why.

Coaches can help you get mindful!

Coaching is not for getting 'fixed.' It isn't to be confused with therapy. Some people enjoy the benefits of both therapy and coaching, which demonstrates the two are not the same thing. Coaching supplies something therapy cannot, and vice versa. In coaching, we focus on strengths, positive psychology, emotional intelligence, and forward movement. It's rapid and effective.

'Oh,' you may be thinking, 'So it's like having a friend.' No! Coaching is work and takes a trained professional. Done properly it takes more time, energy, focus and expertise than even the most well-meaning friend is likely to have. Friends ·Have their own agenda and issues ·Aren't objective ·Aren't trained or experienced ·Have a unidimensional relationship with you ' you know before you go what they're going to tell you to do. There are no surprises. ·Will give you answers

A coach, on the other hand is: ·Trained and experienced ·Objective ·Focused on you, not themselves ·Will come up with some real surprises for you if they're any good at what they do! After all, if what you've been doing were working, you wouldn't be where you are right now, right? ·Will give you questions

The New Year is a perfect time to start coaching. A coach can help you make a realistic list of resolutions and then coach you to complete each item on your list. Wouldn't you like to be feeling different at this time next year. Perhaps you caould even say, 'For the first time in my life XXX is not on my list of resolutions!'

How to find your coach? Look on a search engine, of go to one of these referral sites: Premier Coach Referral Service, http://www.webstrategies.cc/coachreferralservice.htm , Coach Federation, http://www.coachfederation.org , or CoachVille.com , http://www.coachville.com . Then call a couple of coaches for sample sessions. You have nothing to lose but that No. 1 thing on your list of resolutions.


HAPPY HUNTING AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA, cEQc, The EQ Coach', http://www.susandunn.cc . Author of 'How to Live Your Life with Emotional Intelligence,' ( http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html ) and The EQ Foundation Course©, 12 modules on the Internet, http://www.webstrategies.cc/EQcourse.htm . BRINGING THE POWER OF EQ TO YOU through coaching and DL. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE eZine.
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Amici Opera Band and EQ

for The Opera Band
Rating: 10

As an Emotional Intelligence coach, I’m well aware of the abilities of music – the right kind of music – to transport us, soothe and delight us, and even to bolster our immune system. We convert the right kind of music (as Pythagorus knew) into brain waves, and if it’s alpha you’re after, or even deeper, this is the CD for you. It’s no wonder the Greeks made the god of music the god of healing as well.

While the reviewer says we don’t need another version of “Nessun Dorma,” I beg to differ. We needed this one, and I’ve heard a few. The voices are magnificent, and the orchestration is just the way I would’ve done it, and I hope Puccini would have as well.

As someone who ‘discovered’ “Unchained Melody” long before, long before … this version transcends them all. One of the most beautiful melodies ever written, and especially impacting if you understand the circumstances behind its creation, the Opera Band does it justice. It only needed to be called “Senza Catene” and put to Italian, which, as George V felt, is the language for speaking to women. Spanish to talk to God, French to talk to the soldiers, and German to talk to one’s horse –

“Whisper of Angels” — it’s the quintessential falling-in-love song. The lyrics — “I was yours before the first morn broke…” … “I’ll be the shadows at twilight …”

My favorite, if I must name one, “Prayer in the Night.” Mssr. Nick Garret, our talented bass, has a way of anchoring the pain you’ll never forget, as he does in “Senza Catene.” If you’re a bass-lover, like I am, listen up. They never get the good arias … until now.

Buy the album and enjoy. It’s probably good for your health!

10 ways to use music with EQ during the holiday season

This might be a time of year where you're looking for, oh, some different ways to soothe, level, motivate, energize yourself and otherwise get on top of your cascading emotions. The EQ Foundation Course© ( http://www.webstrategies.cc/EQcourse.htm ) emphasizes the great arts as an adjunct to Emotional Intelligence, though the not-so-great are helpful too. May we suggest?

1. Need to get solidly centered

Like, as the metaphysicians say, when you vision yourself growing a tail and having it grow like an anchor down to the center of the earth kind of centered?

Try anything with a big solid bass, up loud, but make sure the lyrics don't interfere. The right-brain will dominate and you'll hear the music first, but your left-brain will still be getting the lyrics. Thus, avoid "Oh Elizabeth" which has the beat, but the lyrics are sad.

OUR SUGGESTION: 'I Loved 'Em Everyone,' by T. G. Sheppard


10 Ways to Use Music with EQ During the Holiday Season

2. Need to deal with something heavy, such as last year your father died on Christmas Eve and here comes the first anniversary

OUR SUGGESTION: Only classical music will work for this and that's why we call it classical. For such a deep need, to maintain your grip when something's rocked the foundation of your world, we recommend, Beethoven's 'Eroica'.

"Eroica" means "heroic" and that you will need to be.

Beethoven lived through the worst thing that can happen to a person. It's there, in his music. For you.

3. To get lightly level

OUR SUGGESTION: Nothing will probably ever compare to Pachelbel's "Canon". After that we give 5 stars to George Winston, particularly 'December.' Good masseuses play these tapes. There are no ups and downs and that may be just what you're aiming at. :)

Also "What Child is This"

4. To rip the heart out of Christmas, like when you want to just sit down in front of the tree and cry at the beauty and the splendor of it all and get it over with and then eat a pint of Haagen Daz and go to sleep

OUR SUGGESTION: Pavarotti's Christmas video, Panis Angelicus duet with the little boy, especially if you had a little boy who now has whiskers on his cheeks. Or Placido Domingo with the Vienna Boys Choir. Then you can pull out your heart and put it on the table beside you, right there beside the dish of peppermints, and the cinnamon-scented candle, and you'll know you had Christmas.

5. Want something Christmassy but light

OUR SUGGESTION: Harp music is good for this, like for baking cookies to. It doesn't pull the emotions. It's close to the lyre, the instrument the Greek god Orpheus played to soothe the savage beasts, and to win a favor from Hades, the god to whom there is no altar (death), the god with whom there is no bargaining.

Completely upbeat, light and fun is "A Reggae Christmas," ( http:/ inyurl.com/y6sp ) by Various Artists, and yes, my friend, "sensei" does rhyme with "pear tree." Listen to it on the way in to work. That's girl's laughter will carry you through your day - The Ras Family, "We Wish You a Merry Christmas," and June Lodge's "Joy to the World" will put joy in YOUR world.

6. Need to get some physical work done, sick of Christmas, got the kids around

GP RECOMMENDATION: (1) "Great Balls of Fire," Jerry Lee Lewis. How could you possibly be 'mindful' with that going on? It's great fun. It will clear the air. (2) "Don't Worry Be Happy," by Marley.

7. The out-laws are coming, I mean the IN-laws, and you, exhausted, crabby and high on sugar as you are, must clean the house and you aren't exactly in the MOOD for a Christmas Carol, if you know what I mean

OUR G SUGGESTION: If you haven't cleaned house with your two preschoolers marching along behind you to a John Philip Sousa march, you haven't lived. Give the little one a paper hat and get out his toy drum. Ok, quit laughing and taking pictures and get back to work, you!

OUR PG SUGGESTION: Got older kids you need to get working with you? Call it "the main event," and put on the Jock Jams, "Let's Get Ready to Rumble," http:/ inyurl.com/y6tw .

OUR X RATED SUGGESTION: You and your partner put "Cotton Eyed Joe" on -- I mean the Texas version ' and invent your own lyrics appropos to the, um, challenges of the moment. (This is popular at office holiday parties with adjusted lyrics as well!) And DO the Cotton Eye Joe as you push that vacuum around. Here's how: http://www.partydirectory.com/guide/cotton.htm .

OUR X-17 RATED SUGGESTION: The Pogues, "A New York Fairytale." The boys in the NYPD were singing Galway Bay ... (a little venting).

8. Need to be inspired and also to get in touch with the spiritual side of Christmas

OUR SUGGESTION: Handel's 'Messiah, Hallelujah Chorus,' of course. Just the chorus, unless you're an aficianado and can afford to tire yourself out.

Remember, if you will, that when you hear "The Hallelujah Chorus," you are to stand up.

Do this. Right there at home in your living room. It will do something for you.

Great Christmas Carols like "Hark the Herald Angels Sing," and "Go Tell It on the Mountain"

9. Now, or any time you're beginning to feel just slightly resentful of all your 'blessings'

OUR SUGGESTION: 'Lord, What Did I Ever Do,' by the Oak Ridge Boys is great for attitude adjustment.

10. For the peace that passeth all understanding

OUR SUGGESTION: Stille Naq, Noite de Paz, Noche de Paz, Sainte Nuit, Cicha Noc, Glade Jul, Stille Nacht, Po La`i E, or, as many of us know it, Silent Night, the lullaby that's been translated into every language on earth, composed by the greatest unsung duo in musical history, Mohr (lyrics) and Gruber (melody).

We also recommend "Ave Maria."

Let them still your heart and bring you peace.

About the author: (c)Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach, www.webstrategies.cc. May we help you write and launch your eBook? Writing, editing, pdf formatting, print-on-demand, ISBN, website, sales letter, press releases, book reviews, everything you need to have it up and running in 6-8 weeks. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE eZine. Put "checklist" for subject line.

The HIGH EQ Way to Choose the Right Man for You
Take a look inside him. Ask yourself these questions.

1. What's his EQ? Did you know you can measure it? Since your relationship depends upon your interpersonal skills, it would be smart if you both took the EQ-Map© and then worked with an EQ coach on areas needed. EQ can be learned. Go here - http://tinyurl.com/z94t .

2.Does he have deficits in the limbic brain? This is about eye contact, oxytocin, bonding, parenting, affection, using the word 'we'. If all you're getting is reptilian (sex ) and neocortex (intellectual), why give up good closet space when a Rampant Rabbit and Wikipedia would do?

3.How's the left- right brain balance? Talking to someone who's all left-brain is like getting facts from a machine. Talking to someone who's all right-brain ' they may not be organized enough to show up for the talk!

4.How 'male' brained is he? According to Simon Baron-Cohen ( http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0738208442/susandunnmome-2 0 ), the extreme male brain is good at systematizing, and low on empathy. It takes the average male 7 times longer to process emotional information than for a woman to. What if it takes him 70 times longer? What if he can't get there at all?

5. How does he manage his anger? You need to experience this. Don't make a decision until you've had your first big fight. Make sure you both trust yourselves and the relationship enough to be able to disagree openly and come to a resolution.

6.Will he be there for you? As Oriah Mountain Dream says, will he 'stand in the middle of the fire with [you] and not shrink back?' It's a sign of maturity and character to be able to stand and deliver when you feel like running.

7.Can he be faithful? This isn't a philosophical issue. If it happens to you, it can hit you in the gut.

Male infidelity may be intellectually defensible, but emotionally it destroys the covenant of the relationship the way the radioactive contamination from a nuclear bomb destroys vegetation. It won't be coming back in your lifetime, and without it, there is no relationship.

8.Does he know enough is enough? One should never use more force than is necessary. Can he think before he speaks and then deliver just the right amount. And no more. It shows empathy, self-confidence, and self-control. This means resisting all urges to deliver the big one-two he knows would really really hurt you in a verbal argument.

9.Do you laugh together? If there's anything you can count on to get you through the long haul, it's a sense of humor. Wit gets bonus points with me. It can be used in public, and can save your marriage on a 6-hour car trip with a carsick kid and a broken air-conditioner. Silliness -- now that's the sign of true lovers.

10.Does he say nice things to you about you and the relationship? The formula is 3 positive things for each negative thing. Does he do this? Is he willing to learn?

About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks on relationships, emotional intelligence, career, transitions, retirement.

Susan is the author of 'Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women," available here: http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html , the best ebook library on the Internet.

For FREE EQ ezine, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc and put 'ezine' for subject line.

Thanksgiving Day Etiquette

THANKSGIVING ETIQUETTE - how to be the best Thanksgiving Day Guest

Don't forget to be thankful all the time for all you have.

The days of dining by plucking fruit from trees and roasting small animals over the fire, eating with fingers, and perhaps fighting with others over the scraps are long gone. Or are they?

More and more we swing our car through the drive-in, grab our food from the window, and proceed to eat with our fingers, so perhaps you need a brush-up on the basics of formal - shall we say "civilized" dining - before the great Thanksgiving feast.

Rules of civilized dining evolved because, according to Margaret Visser ("Rituals of Dinner"), "animals are slaughtered and consumed, the guest-host relationship is ... a complicated interweaving of the imposition of obligation and the suspension of hostility, and the ordinary table knife is related to actual weapons of war."

Utensils were to be handled delicately, so as not to alarm. For instance, the knife was not to be held in the fist, like a weapon, nor pointed threateningly at anyone, and conversation was to be gentle, not provocative.

Now for a review of the basics on how to be the consummate Thanksgiving guest.

1. Respect time.

Arrive on time with a smile on your face and plan to have a good time. Leave on time. If it hasn't been stated, you will have to use your EQ--your intuition. Watch the host (generis) for subtle cues - the more formal the occasion, the more subtle the cues, i.e., changing position in his chair, sighing, and talking about "what a big day we have tomorrow." As you say you must leave, expect protesting, and expect to leave anyway. It's a "formality."

As our visits in the homes of others become more rare, the #1 complaint of hostesses seems to be that the guests won't go home. One woman told me her guests arrived at noon and had to be jettisoned, finally, at 10 p.m. That's not a get-together, that's an ordel.

2. Wear your uniform. Do your job.

Yes, as the guest you have responsibilities. Dress appropriately and festively, and prepare to make it a happy occasion. Note "make." It doesn't just happen; those in attendance must make it happen. Eat, drink and behave in moderation.

3. When summoned, obey the summons.

As a long-time PR person, you can't imagine how we appreciate the "leader type" who, when we say, "It's time to take you seats," heads for the dining room and beckons her friends to come along; and when the hostess says, "Shall we retire to the living room for coffee," does the same.

4. Observe protocol.

Age before rank. "Special" people would be the great-grandmother, then if you've invited your boss, or there's a guest of honor. The most special person "sitteth on the right hand" of the host and hostess, who are seated at opposite ends of the table. If there are not place cards, it's appropriate to ask, "Where would you like us to sit?"

5. Once seated, stay awake!

Look to your hostess to lead. At this meal even the most unsuspecting people will say a grace, for instance. The hostess will indicate when to start passing things, and when she starts to eat, you may eat. Facilitate the meal for others - start passing the shared items, the salt and pepper (both), the butter, the cranberry sauce, and the gravy.

6. The passing of things.

If your plates are served, then when someone asks for the salt, pick up both the salt and pepper and place them down beside the person next to you. They are not passed hand-to-hand, and only the requesting party may use them. Inefficient? Manners are not about efficiency.

7. Make conversation.

It's an active thing! At a smaller seating, there may be one general conversation; in a larger group, talk with the people across from you and on either side of you. If you're conversation-challenged, work with your coach and come up with a list of conversation-starters, i.e., Did you see that great special on PBS last night? What are your plans for Christmas this year? How was the traffic at the airport? What football team are you rooting for? Start training your children young. Help them come up with a list of things to talk about. They'll love it and feel included.

Your hostess will appreciate if you keep the conversation going, spend some time with the shy people or the octogenarian, and help with awkward silences. At formal dinners, businesses lunches and other dining occasions traditionally when the food is served, everyone starts eating and there's a silence. Someone needs to "break the ice." Plan for this and be prepared with a confident and cheery, "It sure gets quiet when the food comes," or "Marcella, where did you find fresh arugula this time of year?"

8. What about all those utensils and glasses?

The general rule is work from the outside in. Go here to review: http://www.cuisinenet.com/digest/custom/etiquette/manners_intro.shtml

9. Beginnings and endings.

The napkin. When you're seated, place your napkin in your lap. When you're finished, place your utensils on your plate; don't push it away. Place your napkin loosely to the side of your plate.

10. Odds 'n' Ends

Sit upward in your chair; don't lean back. Don't rest your elbows on the table. It's permissible to lean forward slightly and rest part of your upper arm on the table. If you take medication, do it discretely and neither mention it nor notice it in others. Something in your mouth you don't want? The way in is the way out. Spit the olive pit into your palm and place it on your plate. Deposit the turkey bone back on the fork and place in on your plate.

What can you eat with your fingers? Artichokes, plain asparagus, bacon, bread, cookies, corn on the cob, chips, French Fries, hors' d'oeuvres, sandwiches, small fruits, berries, and cubed cheese. When in doubt, wait and see what your hostess does.

And ... while it's important children learn etiquette, it's also important they enjoy themselves. The gravy will come out of the shirt when you wash it - or plan clothes where it doesn't matter so much.

How to get in touch with your Intuition

The most important decisions in life must be made with intuition. There will never be enough data, and they aren't linear.

I'm thinking of the first time I shopped for a house by myself. I made a list - don't we all? There were things on it like (1) best school district and (2) close to a convenience store (since I was a single Mom) and (3) Off 210 and (4) 3 bedrooms.

Well, the trouble is that I found 3 houses that fit all my specs. I stood there with the realtor, baffled, and she said, "Well I think you should get the one on Bluffridge. You got alpha waves in your eyes when you walked in."

Simply a way of saying that in THAT house I FELT the best. She got me in touch with my intuition, and it'smy favorite house of all the houses I've lived in.

HOW DO YOU GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INTUITION

There are lots of different ways people get messages from their intuition.

1. Through a body ailment, pain or illness. Intuition is symbolic. If someone's being a pain in the neck, you may get a pain in your neck just to get you to pay attention.

2. Humming a tune, out loud or in your head, with or without lyrics. You later realize the lyrics to the song had particular meaning to the situation.

3. Visual images. Many scientists have discovered answers by receiving visual images.

4. In dreams. We also get hypnagogic images and answers right before and after sleep, in twilight time.

5. Quotations or poems popping into your head that have meaning to the situation.

6. Precognition--premonitions about things that might happen in the future.

7. Deja-vu experiences. Time and space get mixed up but the message is there.

8. Bodily sensations.

9. Breaking things, hurting yourself or having accidents.

10. Talking with someone who is perceptive and knows you well - like your coach. Significant others, etc. but coaches have those qualities as well as the ability to be objective.

Once you're attuned to all the ways your intuition can talk to you, you'll be better able to access this valuable emotional intelligence competency.

-----------------------------------------

(c)Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc. Offering coaching, Internet courses, teleclasses and ebooks around Emotional Intelligence. I train and certify EQ coaches. Email for info on this affordable, fast, flexible, no-residency program. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc. For FREE ezine, email me and put \"ezine\" for subject line.

But how can I USE emotional intelligence?

But How Can I USE Emotional Intelligence?
I'm sure you're hearing the term Emotional Intelligence. It's being talked about a lot these days. For most people there's an immediate 'click'. We recognize it as the missing piece!

It's like that cartoon of the girl saying, 'Oh, I knew I forgot something. My career!' Well, in this case, we become aware that someone, somewhere along the line forgot to tell us how to be smart about our emotions. At least in words we could understand!

But then again are you or are you not 'smart' about your emotions? You see we don't even know how to assess how we are with our emotions. It simply hasn't been talked about it ways that makes sense and would allow us to use the information we receive.

If someone says, 'You're too reactive,' what does that mean? In relation to what or to whom? And aren't they usually talking more about themselves? Usually they mean 'You're more reactive than I am' or 'You're more reactive than I'd like you to be.' They may be the kind of person who could have a firecracker go off next to them and not 'react,' but what does that mean in relation to their ability to function and relate? Not much!

And then the next day you'll have a pounding headache, or have been up all night with the baby, and fail to respond immediately to a comment someone makes and they'll say, 'Why don't you respond? You just sit there.'

One standard would certainly be how well things are going for you at work and at home, because our EQ is more important to our happiness, success and health than our IQ.

POSITIVE FEEDBACK LOOP

The people I've worked with in Emotional Intelligence take to it immediately. There are immediate applications to their life they try, and the results are positive, so there's an excellent and immediate feedback loop that keeps you motivated and improving.

One of the best things about it is that you learn the tools, and then the applications are all around you. No matter what situation you're in, or what circumstance, increasing your Emotional Intelligence skills will help. You'll become more aware of what's going on around you ' the things you couldn't quit 'grasp' before. You'll also become far more knowledgeable about what's going on with other people, and isn't that always the most difficult thing to figure out?

COMPETENCY EXAMPLE

Here's is an example. One of the Emotional Intelligence competencies is emotional expression. It's important to understand that 90% or more of any person's emotional expression takes place nonverbally. That means ' ta da ' you need to increase your skills in being able to notice and INTERPRET nonverbal behavior. This means the expression on the person's face, how they sit, how they walk, their tone of voice, their silences, and other important 'cues' as to how they're feeling.

Why is this important? They may be telling you how they think, but how they feel is what's going to influence what action they take, whether they buy the product, whether they hire you, or whether they marry you.

AT-WORK APPLICATION

If you are charged with motivating others, you must be able to communicate well, and you must be able to read their nonverbal communication. Motivation is a feelings thing, not a thinking thing. If you can connect with what's important to the person you're dealing with, or connect everyone to an idea or mission they can feel strongly about, you will have your motivation.

At the same time, you need to be able to read the level of the 'buy in' from the other person. They may say they're going to do the project, call the person, raise the annual fund 100%, buy your product, or give you a promotion 'some day,' but, since 90% of most communication is nonverbal 'wouldn't it be better if you have studied Emotional Intelligence?

AT-HOME APPLICATION

Our work is important to us, but our home is where we live. If your relationships at home aren't going well, nothing at work will matter. And the sad thing is, most of the time if you aren't get along at one place, you aren't at the other. Why? Because we don't leave 'ourselves' behind when we leave for work in the morning.

This is not to say the applications are the same ' because an intimate relationship is different from a work relationship, but only in some areas. Increasing your intimacy and parenting skills is part of emotional intelligence. Couples who communicate better have better marriages, and one of the best things you can give your children is knowledge of Emotional Intelligence and good modeling of emotionally intelligent behavior.

MULTICULTURAL APPLICATION

Walk in any office today, or any family gathering, and you are going to have people from different cultures, yes? This means you can no longer predict how people are going to behave. In one culture, you show up on the hour. In another culture, you show up 15 minutes late. In still another, it's an hour late. These cultural differences affect our daily lives more all the time, and strong Emotional Intelligence skills are required in order to manage them.

BEING IN THE KNOW

As more people learn about Emotional Intelligence, it's going to be important that you stay in the loop. Get in early. It's the emotionally intelligent thing to do!

HOW TO LEARN EQ?

One of the most important things to understand about Emotional Intelligence is that, unlike some other life skills, it can't be learned ONLY be reading. There are Internet courses you can take, and books and ebooks you can read, but you need to work with someone such as a certified Emotional Intelligence coach who can guide the learning process.

It's difficult to change something you can't see clearly ' and we don't see ourselves as others see us!

Yes, time usually brings improvements in the area of Emotional Intelligence, but you can greatly accelerate the learning curve, with great benefits to your life.

HOW TO BEGIN?

Taking an EQ assessment is a logical starting point - http:/ inyurl.com/z94t . Don't be surprised to see that you're better at some competencies than others. The ones you are lower in can be raised, because EQ can be learned!

About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . I offer coaching, distance learning, and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your continued personal and professional development. Transition, career and relationship coaching. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine.

What Prevents Alzheimers

vitamin E, curry,Author: Susan Dunn, MA, Personal & Professional Development Coach . 817-734-1471
Offices in Chevy Chase, MD and Manassas, VA

The answer is still โ€œwe don’t know,โ€ but we’re getting closer.

Alzheimer’s is not normal in the course of aging, and it’s more than โ€œa decline in memory.โ€ People suffering from Alzheimer’s, through progressive destruction of brain cells, lose the ability to think, reason, learn and communicate, and also undergo personality changes. For the ten warning signs of Alzheimer’s go here: http://www.alz.org/AboutAD/10Signs.htm . Alzheimer’s is eventually fatal because the person cannot move or swallow.

Although around 12 million people worldwide have Alzheimer’s, and 4-4.5 million in the US, research in this field is still new and not enough is known about either prevention or cure. Much of the research โ€œsuggestsโ€ but is not conclusive.

RISK FACTORS

The biggest risk factor is aging, with about 50% of people over 85 years of age having Alzlheimer’s in the US. According to some sources, there’s evidence it has the same risk factors as for heart disease: high blood pressure, high cholesterol and elevated homocysteine, a protein building block.

In an article called โ€œHomocysteine is a Strong Risk factor for Alzheimer’s Disease,โ€ (New England Journal of Medicine, 2002 Feb 14; 346:476-483), researchers concluded that โ€œan increased homocysteine level is a strong, independent risk factor for the development of dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.โ€

VITAMIN E

According to research done by Martha Clare Morris, ScD, Associate Professor of Internal Medicine and the Rush Institute for Healthy Aging, Chicago, Illinois, lots of vitamin E through food intake, not supplements is helpful. ( www.medscape.com) while another study (http://www.docguide.com/news/content.nsf/news/8525697700573E1885256C00004A766D ) suggests that both food intake and supplements of vitamin E is helpful.

Foods high in vitamin E are wheat germ, almonds, vegetable oils, margarine, and seeds (especially sunflower seeds).

1 T. of wheat germ provides 34.6 mg. of vitamin E, ยฝ cup of chocolate covered almonds, 14.3 mg., 1 T. corn oil, 11-14 mg., 1 T. soybean oil, 8.8-14 mg.

According to the Almond Board of California, just one ounce of almonds provides more than 35% of the daily value of vitamin E.

FAT

According to studies reported in www.medscape.com, high intake of saturated fat doubles the risk of Alzheimer’s disease, and moderate intake of trans fat increases the risk by 2-3 times. Lower risk is associated with high intake of both polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. However there have been inconsistent findings, with another study finding no influence from high ingestion of polyunsaturated fats.

FISH AND n-3 FATTY ACIDS

There is some evidence that dietary intake of fish and n-3 fatty acids can protect against Alzheimer’s but again, no causal association has been established.

Assuming that vitamin E and n-3 fatty acids and unhydrogenated, unsaturated fats help, your best bet would be to eat plenty of oil-based salad dressings, nuts, seeds, fish, mayonnaise, and eggs.

CURRY

If you love curry like I do, this information will be welcome. One of the lowest rates of Alzheimer’s appears in Indian villages, with only 1% of people 65 and older having the condition.

A recent study suggests that the reason might be a diet high in curcumin, a compound found in turmeric which is used in curry, which has long been used as an herbal treatment in that country. Researchers investigating this link will also be looking at rosemary and ginger, also high in the Indian diet, because their structure is similar to curcumin. [Source: โ€œThe Curry Spice Curcumin Reduces Oxidative Damage and Amyloid Pathology in an Alzheimer Transgenic Mouse,โ€ Lim, Chuet al.]

TESTOSTERONE

Another link in the chain may be testosterone levels. Dr. Sozos Ch. Papasozomenos and Dr. Alikunju Shanavas, from the University of Texas-Houston Medical School conclude from their studies that โ€œtestosterone given alone to aging men and given combined with 17-beta-estradiol to postmenopausal women would probably prove beneficial in preventing and/or treating Alzheimer’s disease.โ€ [Reported in the proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.] However, the case for hormones for postmenopausal women is far from settled and not at all clear.

LITHIUM

Another possibility is lithium. This long-standing treatment for bipolar disorder has worked as a preventative with mice, and may be useful for humans, though the side-effects are high, and it doesn’t help people who already have Alzheimer’s. [Source: Nature, 2003]

WEIGHT, WOMEN & ALZHEIMER’S

Researchers have also found a strong relationship in women between being overweight at age 70 and developing Alzheimer’s 10-18 years later, although being overweight doesn’t appear to effect men and Alzheimer’s. (http://www.stopgettingsick.com/Conditions/condition_template.cfm/6880/24/1 )

USE IT OR LOSE IT

Studies also suggest that keeping mentally active can ward off Alzheimer’s [New England Journal of Medicine]. Oddly physical activity had no positive preventive effect except in the case of dancing. Researchers speculated that could be because music engages the mind. ( http://www.stopgettingsick.com/Conditions/condition_template.cfm/6817/24/1 )

These are just a few of the latest โ€œsuggestions.โ€ So little is known for sure, and we hope research continues. In the meantime, we do hear the same things over and over โ€” good diet, exercise, and staying mentally active.

Resource: The Alzheimer’s Association, http://www.alz.org

For medical advice, consult your personal healthcare professional.

ยฉSusan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . I offer coaching, distance learning courses, and ebooks around emotional intelligence. Free ezine, Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc. Daily tips, send blank email to EQ4U-subscribe@yahoogroups.com . I train and certify EQ coaches. Start tomorrow, no residence requirement, global student body. Email for prospectus.

EQ and the Generation Gaps

My sister gave me a crossword puzzle for Xmas and so I got into them again. What a surprise. Now the clues have double meanings. Now it can mean 2,3 words. I remember when I took a graduate Linguistics course, hearing about Noam Chomsky, and the concept of a dictionary and how it is always evolving. So, you gotta stay current. But -- say I -- as with that childhood rhyme about friendship (Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold.) - it's good to become versant in many different kinds of ways -- language, culture, manners. In today's diverse world, it's a necessity.

Since I just moved from Texas to the D. C. area, I am experiencing culture shock. Not that I haven't lived other places, but I was 20+ years in Texas, most of it in San Antonio which has its own little culture. In addition, I do some contract work in Prince William County, which has a different demographic, and also "country," as in Haymarket, Va.

It's been fun learning. I've moved a lot in my lifetime and learned all about it as a kid. Watch. Listen. Figure out what's going on and then figure out how much you want to bend. I also lived in the north as a kid and summer-ed in Texas. Got it wrong, and got made fun of in each place. i.e., in Texas you HAD to way "Yes M'am" and "Yes Sir" -- or you would -- gasp -- get a paddling from the principal. In the north when I said it, they thought I was sucking up to the teacher. I only did it once. I learned early about - or you cultural relativism.

Some examples

A man who had been a pilot in the Air Force and therefore been all around the world, but has lived in Dover, DE for decades, told me that he liked the way I made eye contact. He said that was one thing he liked "about Texas women" which he had noticed when in training at Lackland, and also up in Waco. He said, "The women here look all around," and demonstrated to me. Will I change that? I guess I'll tame it down. That would be smart.

Getting ready to make a purchase at Sheetz in Harymarket, I walked up to the empty country. A man walked up to me and said, "I can tell you aren't from around here. Around here, you form one line." Will I change that? Unfortunately that applies only to the convenience stores in Haymarket. But in Haymarket, I'll do it.

The Koreans here mix the food in big bowls on the floor of the kitchen, sometimes sitting down. Will I do that? Nope! They expect you to take your shoes off when you enter. Yeah, that's okay, except that I researched that long ago, and sure, it works about mud on your shoes, but thye natural oils on your feet also stain and wear carpeting. That's why I got tile in the last house I had!

Honking on the highway is frequent and aggressive in Texas, Not so here. Do I miss it? Not a bit. In fact it's amazing how much stress-from-driving it removes to not hear honking. Good idea. Smart people.

DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS? Heck, don't mess with Maryland. Sign at a convenience store- don't litter. Fine is $1500 and suspension of driver's license. No wonder it's so clean around here. Will I adhere. Doh. I won't be littering in Maryland.

Men in the country area open the doors for women. Non-Anglo males in Falls Church and Chevy Chase open the doors for women. YOu catch my drift?

All my time in Manassas, Va., I've seen one man in a full suit with the tie and polished leather "Daddy shoes" and the whole bit.

The C&W station here plays the Star Spangled Banner at noon.

Sign in the ATM at the bank in Chevy Chase offers you choices of English, Spanish, Arabic or French.

I spent half my life looking for a free, free tennis court. In Manasses and Dale City, I have never seen anyone ON a tennis court. They are all, always, available.

I am preparing myself for the fact that all the public swimming pools are shut down at Labor Day, and I won't be swimming in my pool or my friends' pools. Wait a minute, I don't have a pool, and neither does anyone else.

In this case, the eternal 3 options apply -- change the situation, leave, or change your attitude,

My mom always used to tell me, when I would come to her puzzled by something that had -- yet again -- happened at school, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do."

Share your thoughts on this!

Psychiatrist Tests, Slays Suspect: A Cautionary Tale

When the 2 wrong people get together - from "Actually It Is Your Parents Fault," a book by Munching and Katz

Suicide via Psychiatrist .. or taking justice into your own hands

Sounds like something out of one of those 58 spin-offs of LAW & ORDER, I know, but it's true: a court-appointed psychiatrist, Manuel Poggi, spent 4 days giving a suspected murderer named Diaz a battery of tests, and then took his own belt and strangled Diaz, who didn't resist. "I had to do it for the good of society," Poggi told a news conference held in the police precinct where he'd committed the crime. "The hour had come to apply justice," he said. Poggie told reporters he'd been driven by frustration into killing Diaz, suspected in 8 grizzly murders, whom he described as "a monster of superior intelligence."

Ironically, there were police officers right outside the room where Poggi and Diaz were talking, put there by the head of the police homicide division, for Poggi's protection. The fact that Diaz didn't call out or try to make some noise that would alert the guards convinced at least one police official that Diaz had actually induced Poggi to murder him. In other words, the officvial believed that Diaz had committed suicide-by-psychiatrist.

_________________________________
Take a look/feel at how "inducable" you are. And how you may be inducing others to do things. This is the SELF-AWARENESS we talk about in emotional intelligence. In fact it is the CORNERSTONE of emotional intelligence.
For coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc

How to Comfort Someone Whose Child Has Died

Chettie blowing a kiss. Chester died April 1, 1999, at the age of 21. It could have been yesterday.

HOW TO COMFORT SOMEONE WHOSE CHILD HAS DIED
by Susan Dunn
Look for my book on the death of a child due to come out next year.

When a friend suffers the loss of a child, we don't know how to comfort them. Our first thought is usually, "I don't know what to say." When a child is lost, we all suffer, and it's particularly hard for other parents to deal with.

"Friends would cross the street to avoid me," one client told me.

What to say and how to help the grieving parents is a challenge.

I had first-hand experience with this when my son died several years ago. Let me share some thoughts from that perspective.

There are some things that aren't helpful:

•Asking the person what you can do to help, or any question, is beyond their capacity. People devastated by grief can't make the simplest decision, and they still have to make burial arrangements, etc. They are only capable of going through the motions. Nothing more. One foot in front of the other.

•Saying most of the things they say in movies --he's in a better place, it was God's will, your memories will comfort you, time will heal. They make no sense at the time. The person is trying to figure out something incomprehensible and doesn't have space to fit in other ideas.

•Assuming the grief-stricken person needs to express their emotions. It's all the person can do to contain the emotions. It's self-protection to shut down, and it's necessary.

•Trying ... trying anything. The grieving person feels the emotional pull when they're already on their last nerve and have nothing to give ... 'this person is trying to make me feel better, make me cry, make me explain something. I'm supposed to do something and I can't.' It's a fragile state.

•Thinking the grieving person needs to do something. To the grieving person, it feels like pressure, it makes absolutely no sense, and often it isn't 'needed' anyway. "You must eat something," elicits "Why?" You can't imagine how you're bouncing pebbles off a distant planet. Words, I'm sorry to say, really aren't of much use.

•References to other deaths. It's just a time not to do that, like sending a book about coping with the death of a child. The person needs not to be a part of a group -- widows who've lost husbands, mothers who've lost sons ... It needs to stand alone.

What, then, can you do?

Burying your own child has been called "a perversion of nature," and is that difficult to get your mind around. What parent has ever considered having to do this? Most of us care more about our children than life itself, and we cannot afford to entertain that thought, so there is no preparation. It's something we sincerely hope will happen to someone else, not us, if it must happen.

We expect our parents to die in our lifetime; it's difficult, but we've been expecting it.

Here are some of the things that helped me through. I can't say they comforted me, as for a time there was no way to comfort me, and I guess that's a point to be made. You don't even want to be comforted. What you want is your child back.

Understand I'm speaking from my personal experience. It's a terrible insult to imagine what someone else is feeling at this time, or what might help.

•My younger sister came to the Memorial Service and just made small talk. When she left, to go back home, she shook her head and said, "Oh Susan." She left a tape by Ian Tyson on my bedside table ... rock with me Jesus help me bear this heavy load, don't let her slip, don't let her slide ... all cowboys cross the Great Divide.

•After the dinner after the Service, folks came back to my house. My niece sat beside me and stroked my hair while she talked with everyone, so I didn't have to.

•A colleague at work met me coming out of the elevator my first day back to work. He looked up, then looked down with tears in his eyes and said, "I don't know what to say," and walked away with his shoulders bent. He had a child the same age as mine. It was thoughtful of him not to stick around and have me feel the need to comfort him.

•My friend who said, "Give me a list of people to call. I'll tell them for you."

•My boss said, when I returned to work, "The only reason I'm letting you be here is that it's maybe slightly better than being home." He gave me little things to do, to occupy my mind, but nothing requiring judgment.

•My twin sister called me every 6 weeks and said she was flying out for a visit. (Didn't ask, said.) She would show up at the house and just putter ... cook, clean, garden ... She didn't disturb me.

•When she answered the phone, I heard her say, "She can't talk now. She's seeking the mercy of sleep."

•My friend, who'd lost her 8 month old son ... when I asked her "How do I live with this?" she said, "I don't know. Yours is different. Mine was [just a baby] but yours was [21] and the longer you have them the worse it is." What a magnanimous statement.

•My friend who wrote, "From now on, for me, every tree will be missing a leaf."

•My son's friend who told me, when she heard about it, "That's really [expletive]."

•Between visits, my sister sent me homemade chocolate chip cookies, something very symbolic between the two of us. Mother ... home ... happier times. They arrived in shoe boxes, wrapped in plain brown paper. It's a time to be basic.

•The people who talked about how wonderful my son was, only at a distance ... by email, or letters.

•The friend who gave me a gift certificate for 10 massages.

•People who would, and still do, speak his name.

•Friends who remember the anniversary of his death. For most of us, it will never recede in time. It could be yesterday. It could even be today.

In the acute state of grief, the person can't think, and there's no emotional space. What isn't occupied by grief, is occupied by anger, which the person is trying not to vent against an innocent person. Just be around them, lovingly. Words aren't absorbed. There's authenticity in saying "I don't know what to say," when you don't.

Avoid trying to pull their emotions out, or to put yours on them. (Some people do express them.) Don't make any cognitive or emotional demands. If you can, remove cognitive tasks, i.e., tell them you're picking them up for dinner at Chili's, Tuesday at 6, and to wear jeans.

A gentle touch means a lot. Accept how they're being at the time. Understand that for them to respond is asking them to produce energy they don't have. Even the most gracious of us are hard-put to be gracious at such a time.

Avoid any references to "time." Time may heal this, time may not. You don't know, and the person isn't sure at all.

Chances are good "with time" your efforts will be appreciated and remembered, even if they didn't appear to hit the mark at the time. I'm not sure there is "a mark" to hit. Do the best you can, from your heart. Sincere, heartfelt intentions speak much louder than actual words.

(c) 2010 Susan Dunn, All rights reserved.