Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Where Are All the Suitable Men

There's a lot of EQ wisdom in this article whether you're a woman looking for a man, for someone looking for anything you don't seem to be able to find ...

"Where are all the suitable men?"
by Michael Myerscough

Recently one of my e-zine subscribers emailed me about an experience that she and three of her friends had. It seems they went out speed dating and none of them found anyone of interest. Which resulted in the question 'Where are all the suitable men?' Well generally I try to keep that kind of information for my paying clients but given it was such a direct request I'm going to share it with you.

The suitable men have a special club that they belong to. It's a club that requires a suit and there are no women allowed. If you're looking for them you're out of luck because they've realised life is a whole lot easier without a woman looking for the perfect man. They have passwords, secret handshakes and everything else necessary to keep their club well hidden. You're never getting in. So thanks for asking ;-)

That leaves you with the rest of us!

The real answer to 'where are all the suitable men?' is simply this. That suitable man is wherever you are, he's walking in the same park you're in, he's in the same coffee shops you're drinking in, he's standing next to you in the supermarket. You may not meet him today or even tomorrow but I know for a fact he's out there.

So how can 4 women go to a speed dating event and not manage to find at least one suitable man? I even spoke to the woman that wrote to me. It turns out that 15 guys ticked her box, which means they're eager to date her. She only dated one of them who
turned out to be too young for her.

I attend dating events in a professional capacity and I know that they can attract the worst kind of men, but generally 75% of them are presentable and you can side step the rest. So worst case scenario this woman got ticked by 5 social liabilities which leaves her with ten at least reasonable men. So she picks the guy that's too young. Does that strike anyone else here as interesting?

One of the earliest things my clients do, male or female, is draw up a list detailing their 'Perfect Partner'. There is a tendency for some people, and this generally applies more to my male clients, to be totally unrealistic. So point number one is that if you're looking to get with someone who's a ten you better be at least an eight or they're not going to approach you or allow you to approach them.

The second issue, and I think this is where the initial question really comes from, is that a ten will rarely be found at a speed dating event - finding people to date isn't something they struggle with. Your job is to find the places where they do spend time. This is the tricky bit for some people but it's easily fixed. There are so many different ways of meeting people. The thing is it takes perseverance.

One of my clients started going to Toastmaster's because she wanted to meet some quality men and figured that an organization dedicated to learning how to speak up in public would be a great place to start. Initially it was hard work, the group was fairly closed but over time things started to warm up and before long she was dating the Vice President.

If you start dance classes then you need to persevere to the point where you stop looking like a dork and then people will get a lot more interested. It's a phenomenon referred to as
'social proof'. Once you start being accepted in a group your value goes up and suddenly you have chemistry.

Potentially the truth is that our suitable men really are hanging out in clubs, you've just got to get access and figure out how to get their attention. If the people you meet are below the standards you've set then you need to look in a better environment. I once worked with a guy who worked as a bouncer in a strip joint and wondered why all the women he met there seemed to be a little out of balance.

So I have two answers to the question.

One possibility is that some of the things you're specifying as essential qualities are unrealistic and either you, or your love interest, are never going to measure up. The second possibility is that you're hanging out in all the wrong places. If this is your issue it's time to stop being lazy and generate some much better ideas about where to find these 'suitable men'. A relevant quote by Edwin Lowes Cole that I like is 'You don't drown by falling into water, you drown by staying there.'


FOUND! - 1 Set of Keys to the Door of the "Suitable Men's Club"

Yes. If you want access to the club for suitable men I've found a set of keys! Find out how to get into the rooms packed full with suitable men, just waiting to date you. Claim your keys now, before every other woman gets there first!

* One of my favourite examples of looking in the wrong place is women going to aerobic classes. There are three men in an aerobics class and twenty eight women, what are the odds for a woman looking for love? Unless you've got a total fixation on the teacher and you've got something special to offer you're probably wasting your time there.

* Build up a picture of the kind of man you are looking for and then start to ask yourself where he might be found? If you really have no idea start asking your friends for ideas. There are 101 places people can hang out doing things you may have absolutely no idea about at the moment. I recently went to a fancy goldfish auction and discovered a whole new sub-culture I had no idea existed. Your world is a lot bigger than you think!

* Look at your perfect partner list and make sure it really is your list. Sometimes the things we think would make us happy haven't but we continue in the same vein hoping next time it'll be different. Some things make no sense - women excluding guy's because they can't imagine walking down the aisle with a guy an inch shorter than her ideal, guy's rejecting women because they're not blonde and built like Barbie. The unexamined list is
not worth living! (Sorry Socrates.)
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By Michael Myerscough, professional speaker and relationship success coach. Michael has lots of great tips, tools and articles on his website that you can use. Visit him at and sign up for the fr*ee relationship information.
P.S. If you're dating online, not all men are suitable. Check them out first by going to TheCloser. Discreet information, articles, resources, tips, coaching and more.
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