The HIGH EQ Way to Choose the Right Man for You
Take a look inside him. Ask yourself these questions.

1. What's his EQ? Did you know you can measure it? Since your relationship depends upon your interpersonal skills, it would be smart if you both took the EQ-Map© and then worked with an EQ coach on areas needed. EQ can be learned. Go here - http://tinyurl.com/z94t .

2.Does he have deficits in the limbic brain? This is about eye contact, oxytocin, bonding, parenting, affection, using the word 'we'. If all you're getting is reptilian (sex ) and neocortex (intellectual), why give up good closet space when a Rampant Rabbit and Wikipedia would do?

3.How's the left- right brain balance? Talking to someone who's all left-brain is like getting facts from a machine. Talking to someone who's all right-brain ' they may not be organized enough to show up for the talk!

4.How 'male' brained is he? According to Simon Baron-Cohen ( http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0738208442/susandunnmome-2 0 ), the extreme male brain is good at systematizing, and low on empathy. It takes the average male 7 times longer to process emotional information than for a woman to. What if it takes him 70 times longer? What if he can't get there at all?

5. How does he manage his anger? You need to experience this. Don't make a decision until you've had your first big fight. Make sure you both trust yourselves and the relationship enough to be able to disagree openly and come to a resolution.

6.Will he be there for you? As Oriah Mountain Dream says, will he 'stand in the middle of the fire with [you] and not shrink back?' It's a sign of maturity and character to be able to stand and deliver when you feel like running.

7.Can he be faithful? This isn't a philosophical issue. If it happens to you, it can hit you in the gut.

Male infidelity may be intellectually defensible, but emotionally it destroys the covenant of the relationship the way the radioactive contamination from a nuclear bomb destroys vegetation. It won't be coming back in your lifetime, and without it, there is no relationship.

8.Does he know enough is enough? One should never use more force than is necessary. Can he think before he speaks and then deliver just the right amount. And no more. It shows empathy, self-confidence, and self-control. This means resisting all urges to deliver the big one-two he knows would really really hurt you in a verbal argument.

9.Do you laugh together? If there's anything you can count on to get you through the long haul, it's a sense of humor. Wit gets bonus points with me. It can be used in public, and can save your marriage on a 6-hour car trip with a carsick kid and a broken air-conditioner. Silliness -- now that's the sign of true lovers.

10.Does he say nice things to you about you and the relationship? The formula is 3 positive things for each negative thing. Does he do this? Is he willing to learn?

About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks on relationships, emotional intelligence, career, transitions, retirement.

Susan is the author of 'Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women," available here: http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html , the best ebook library on the Internet.

For FREE EQ ezine, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc and put 'ezine' for subject line.

Thanksgiving Day Etiquette

THANKSGIVING ETIQUETTE - how to be the best Thanksgiving Day Guest

Don't forget to be thankful all the time for all you have.

The days of dining by plucking fruit from trees and roasting small animals over the fire, eating with fingers, and perhaps fighting with others over the scraps are long gone. Or are they?

More and more we swing our car through the drive-in, grab our food from the window, and proceed to eat with our fingers, so perhaps you need a brush-up on the basics of formal - shall we say "civilized" dining - before the great Thanksgiving feast.

Rules of civilized dining evolved because, according to Margaret Visser ("Rituals of Dinner"), "animals are slaughtered and consumed, the guest-host relationship is ... a complicated interweaving of the imposition of obligation and the suspension of hostility, and the ordinary table knife is related to actual weapons of war."

Utensils were to be handled delicately, so as not to alarm. For instance, the knife was not to be held in the fist, like a weapon, nor pointed threateningly at anyone, and conversation was to be gentle, not provocative.

Now for a review of the basics on how to be the consummate Thanksgiving guest.

1. Respect time.

Arrive on time with a smile on your face and plan to have a good time. Leave on time. If it hasn't been stated, you will have to use your EQ--your intuition. Watch the host (generis) for subtle cues - the more formal the occasion, the more subtle the cues, i.e., changing position in his chair, sighing, and talking about "what a big day we have tomorrow." As you say you must leave, expect protesting, and expect to leave anyway. It's a "formality."

As our visits in the homes of others become more rare, the #1 complaint of hostesses seems to be that the guests won't go home. One woman told me her guests arrived at noon and had to be jettisoned, finally, at 10 p.m. That's not a get-together, that's an ordel.

2. Wear your uniform. Do your job.

Yes, as the guest you have responsibilities. Dress appropriately and festively, and prepare to make it a happy occasion. Note "make." It doesn't just happen; those in attendance must make it happen. Eat, drink and behave in moderation.

3. When summoned, obey the summons.

As a long-time PR person, you can't imagine how we appreciate the "leader type" who, when we say, "It's time to take you seats," heads for the dining room and beckons her friends to come along; and when the hostess says, "Shall we retire to the living room for coffee," does the same.

4. Observe protocol.

Age before rank. "Special" people would be the great-grandmother, then if you've invited your boss, or there's a guest of honor. The most special person "sitteth on the right hand" of the host and hostess, who are seated at opposite ends of the table. If there are not place cards, it's appropriate to ask, "Where would you like us to sit?"

5. Once seated, stay awake!

Look to your hostess to lead. At this meal even the most unsuspecting people will say a grace, for instance. The hostess will indicate when to start passing things, and when she starts to eat, you may eat. Facilitate the meal for others - start passing the shared items, the salt and pepper (both), the butter, the cranberry sauce, and the gravy.

6. The passing of things.

If your plates are served, then when someone asks for the salt, pick up both the salt and pepper and place them down beside the person next to you. They are not passed hand-to-hand, and only the requesting party may use them. Inefficient? Manners are not about efficiency.

7. Make conversation.

It's an active thing! At a smaller seating, there may be one general conversation; in a larger group, talk with the people across from you and on either side of you. If you're conversation-challenged, work with your coach and come up with a list of conversation-starters, i.e., Did you see that great special on PBS last night? What are your plans for Christmas this year? How was the traffic at the airport? What football team are you rooting for? Start training your children young. Help them come up with a list of things to talk about. They'll love it and feel included.

Your hostess will appreciate if you keep the conversation going, spend some time with the shy people or the octogenarian, and help with awkward silences. At formal dinners, businesses lunches and other dining occasions traditionally when the food is served, everyone starts eating and there's a silence. Someone needs to "break the ice." Plan for this and be prepared with a confident and cheery, "It sure gets quiet when the food comes," or "Marcella, where did you find fresh arugula this time of year?"

8. What about all those utensils and glasses?

The general rule is work from the outside in. Go here to review: http://www.cuisinenet.com/digest/custom/etiquette/manners_intro.shtml

9. Beginnings and endings.

The napkin. When you're seated, place your napkin in your lap. When you're finished, place your utensils on your plate; don't push it away. Place your napkin loosely to the side of your plate.

10. Odds 'n' Ends

Sit upward in your chair; don't lean back. Don't rest your elbows on the table. It's permissible to lean forward slightly and rest part of your upper arm on the table. If you take medication, do it discretely and neither mention it nor notice it in others. Something in your mouth you don't want? The way in is the way out. Spit the olive pit into your palm and place it on your plate. Deposit the turkey bone back on the fork and place in on your plate.

What can you eat with your fingers? Artichokes, plain asparagus, bacon, bread, cookies, corn on the cob, chips, French Fries, hors' d'oeuvres, sandwiches, small fruits, berries, and cubed cheese. When in doubt, wait and see what your hostess does.

And ... while it's important children learn etiquette, it's also important they enjoy themselves. The gravy will come out of the shirt when you wash it - or plan clothes where it doesn't matter so much.

How to get in touch with your Intuition

The most important decisions in life must be made with intuition. There will never be enough data, and they aren't linear.

I'm thinking of the first time I shopped for a house by myself. I made a list - don't we all? There were things on it like (1) best school district and (2) close to a convenience store (since I was a single Mom) and (3) Off 210 and (4) 3 bedrooms.

Well, the trouble is that I found 3 houses that fit all my specs. I stood there with the realtor, baffled, and she said, "Well I think you should get the one on Bluffridge. You got alpha waves in your eyes when you walked in."

Simply a way of saying that in THAT house I FELT the best. She got me in touch with my intuition, and it'smy favorite house of all the houses I've lived in.

HOW DO YOU GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INTUITION

There are lots of different ways people get messages from their intuition.

1. Through a body ailment, pain or illness. Intuition is symbolic. If someone's being a pain in the neck, you may get a pain in your neck just to get you to pay attention.

2. Humming a tune, out loud or in your head, with or without lyrics. You later realize the lyrics to the song had particular meaning to the situation.

3. Visual images. Many scientists have discovered answers by receiving visual images.

4. In dreams. We also get hypnagogic images and answers right before and after sleep, in twilight time.

5. Quotations or poems popping into your head that have meaning to the situation.

6. Precognition--premonitions about things that might happen in the future.

7. Deja-vu experiences. Time and space get mixed up but the message is there.

8. Bodily sensations.

9. Breaking things, hurting yourself or having accidents.

10. Talking with someone who is perceptive and knows you well - like your coach. Significant others, etc. but coaches have those qualities as well as the ability to be objective.

Once you're attuned to all the ways your intuition can talk to you, you'll be better able to access this valuable emotional intelligence competency.

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(c)Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc. Offering coaching, Internet courses, teleclasses and ebooks around Emotional Intelligence. I train and certify EQ coaches. Email for info on this affordable, fast, flexible, no-residency program. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc. For FREE ezine, email me and put \"ezine\" for subject line.

But how can I USE emotional intelligence?

But How Can I USE Emotional Intelligence?
I'm sure you're hearing the term Emotional Intelligence. It's being talked about a lot these days. For most people there's an immediate 'click'. We recognize it as the missing piece!

It's like that cartoon of the girl saying, 'Oh, I knew I forgot something. My career!' Well, in this case, we become aware that someone, somewhere along the line forgot to tell us how to be smart about our emotions. At least in words we could understand!

But then again are you or are you not 'smart' about your emotions? You see we don't even know how to assess how we are with our emotions. It simply hasn't been talked about it ways that makes sense and would allow us to use the information we receive.

If someone says, 'You're too reactive,' what does that mean? In relation to what or to whom? And aren't they usually talking more about themselves? Usually they mean 'You're more reactive than I am' or 'You're more reactive than I'd like you to be.' They may be the kind of person who could have a firecracker go off next to them and not 'react,' but what does that mean in relation to their ability to function and relate? Not much!

And then the next day you'll have a pounding headache, or have been up all night with the baby, and fail to respond immediately to a comment someone makes and they'll say, 'Why don't you respond? You just sit there.'

One standard would certainly be how well things are going for you at work and at home, because our EQ is more important to our happiness, success and health than our IQ.

POSITIVE FEEDBACK LOOP

The people I've worked with in Emotional Intelligence take to it immediately. There are immediate applications to their life they try, and the results are positive, so there's an excellent and immediate feedback loop that keeps you motivated and improving.

One of the best things about it is that you learn the tools, and then the applications are all around you. No matter what situation you're in, or what circumstance, increasing your Emotional Intelligence skills will help. You'll become more aware of what's going on around you ' the things you couldn't quit 'grasp' before. You'll also become far more knowledgeable about what's going on with other people, and isn't that always the most difficult thing to figure out?

COMPETENCY EXAMPLE

Here's is an example. One of the Emotional Intelligence competencies is emotional expression. It's important to understand that 90% or more of any person's emotional expression takes place nonverbally. That means ' ta da ' you need to increase your skills in being able to notice and INTERPRET nonverbal behavior. This means the expression on the person's face, how they sit, how they walk, their tone of voice, their silences, and other important 'cues' as to how they're feeling.

Why is this important? They may be telling you how they think, but how they feel is what's going to influence what action they take, whether they buy the product, whether they hire you, or whether they marry you.

AT-WORK APPLICATION

If you are charged with motivating others, you must be able to communicate well, and you must be able to read their nonverbal communication. Motivation is a feelings thing, not a thinking thing. If you can connect with what's important to the person you're dealing with, or connect everyone to an idea or mission they can feel strongly about, you will have your motivation.

At the same time, you need to be able to read the level of the 'buy in' from the other person. They may say they're going to do the project, call the person, raise the annual fund 100%, buy your product, or give you a promotion 'some day,' but, since 90% of most communication is nonverbal 'wouldn't it be better if you have studied Emotional Intelligence?

AT-HOME APPLICATION

Our work is important to us, but our home is where we live. If your relationships at home aren't going well, nothing at work will matter. And the sad thing is, most of the time if you aren't get along at one place, you aren't at the other. Why? Because we don't leave 'ourselves' behind when we leave for work in the morning.

This is not to say the applications are the same ' because an intimate relationship is different from a work relationship, but only in some areas. Increasing your intimacy and parenting skills is part of emotional intelligence. Couples who communicate better have better marriages, and one of the best things you can give your children is knowledge of Emotional Intelligence and good modeling of emotionally intelligent behavior.

MULTICULTURAL APPLICATION

Walk in any office today, or any family gathering, and you are going to have people from different cultures, yes? This means you can no longer predict how people are going to behave. In one culture, you show up on the hour. In another culture, you show up 15 minutes late. In still another, it's an hour late. These cultural differences affect our daily lives more all the time, and strong Emotional Intelligence skills are required in order to manage them.

BEING IN THE KNOW

As more people learn about Emotional Intelligence, it's going to be important that you stay in the loop. Get in early. It's the emotionally intelligent thing to do!

HOW TO LEARN EQ?

One of the most important things to understand about Emotional Intelligence is that, unlike some other life skills, it can't be learned ONLY be reading. There are Internet courses you can take, and books and ebooks you can read, but you need to work with someone such as a certified Emotional Intelligence coach who can guide the learning process.

It's difficult to change something you can't see clearly ' and we don't see ourselves as others see us!

Yes, time usually brings improvements in the area of Emotional Intelligence, but you can greatly accelerate the learning curve, with great benefits to your life.

HOW TO BEGIN?

Taking an EQ assessment is a logical starting point - http:/ inyurl.com/z94t . Don't be surprised to see that you're better at some competencies than others. The ones you are lower in can be raised, because EQ can be learned!

About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . I offer coaching, distance learning, and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your continued personal and professional development. Transition, career and relationship coaching. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine.

What Prevents Alzheimers

vitamin E, curry,Author: Susan Dunn, MA, Personal & Professional Development Coach . 817-734-1471
Offices in Chevy Chase, MD and Manassas, VA

The answer is still โ€œwe don’t know,โ€ but we’re getting closer.

Alzheimer’s is not normal in the course of aging, and it’s more than โ€œa decline in memory.โ€ People suffering from Alzheimer’s, through progressive destruction of brain cells, lose the ability to think, reason, learn and communicate, and also undergo personality changes. For the ten warning signs of Alzheimer’s go here: http://www.alz.org/AboutAD/10Signs.htm . Alzheimer’s is eventually fatal because the person cannot move or swallow.

Although around 12 million people worldwide have Alzheimer’s, and 4-4.5 million in the US, research in this field is still new and not enough is known about either prevention or cure. Much of the research โ€œsuggestsโ€ but is not conclusive.

RISK FACTORS

The biggest risk factor is aging, with about 50% of people over 85 years of age having Alzlheimer’s in the US. According to some sources, there’s evidence it has the same risk factors as for heart disease: high blood pressure, high cholesterol and elevated homocysteine, a protein building block.

In an article called โ€œHomocysteine is a Strong Risk factor for Alzheimer’s Disease,โ€ (New England Journal of Medicine, 2002 Feb 14; 346:476-483), researchers concluded that โ€œan increased homocysteine level is a strong, independent risk factor for the development of dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.โ€

VITAMIN E

According to research done by Martha Clare Morris, ScD, Associate Professor of Internal Medicine and the Rush Institute for Healthy Aging, Chicago, Illinois, lots of vitamin E through food intake, not supplements is helpful. ( www.medscape.com) while another study (http://www.docguide.com/news/content.nsf/news/8525697700573E1885256C00004A766D ) suggests that both food intake and supplements of vitamin E is helpful.

Foods high in vitamin E are wheat germ, almonds, vegetable oils, margarine, and seeds (especially sunflower seeds).

1 T. of wheat germ provides 34.6 mg. of vitamin E, ยฝ cup of chocolate covered almonds, 14.3 mg., 1 T. corn oil, 11-14 mg., 1 T. soybean oil, 8.8-14 mg.

According to the Almond Board of California, just one ounce of almonds provides more than 35% of the daily value of vitamin E.

FAT

According to studies reported in www.medscape.com, high intake of saturated fat doubles the risk of Alzheimer’s disease, and moderate intake of trans fat increases the risk by 2-3 times. Lower risk is associated with high intake of both polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. However there have been inconsistent findings, with another study finding no influence from high ingestion of polyunsaturated fats.

FISH AND n-3 FATTY ACIDS

There is some evidence that dietary intake of fish and n-3 fatty acids can protect against Alzheimer’s but again, no causal association has been established.

Assuming that vitamin E and n-3 fatty acids and unhydrogenated, unsaturated fats help, your best bet would be to eat plenty of oil-based salad dressings, nuts, seeds, fish, mayonnaise, and eggs.

CURRY

If you love curry like I do, this information will be welcome. One of the lowest rates of Alzheimer’s appears in Indian villages, with only 1% of people 65 and older having the condition.

A recent study suggests that the reason might be a diet high in curcumin, a compound found in turmeric which is used in curry, which has long been used as an herbal treatment in that country. Researchers investigating this link will also be looking at rosemary and ginger, also high in the Indian diet, because their structure is similar to curcumin. [Source: โ€œThe Curry Spice Curcumin Reduces Oxidative Damage and Amyloid Pathology in an Alzheimer Transgenic Mouse,โ€ Lim, Chuet al.]

TESTOSTERONE

Another link in the chain may be testosterone levels. Dr. Sozos Ch. Papasozomenos and Dr. Alikunju Shanavas, from the University of Texas-Houston Medical School conclude from their studies that โ€œtestosterone given alone to aging men and given combined with 17-beta-estradiol to postmenopausal women would probably prove beneficial in preventing and/or treating Alzheimer’s disease.โ€ [Reported in the proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.] However, the case for hormones for postmenopausal women is far from settled and not at all clear.

LITHIUM

Another possibility is lithium. This long-standing treatment for bipolar disorder has worked as a preventative with mice, and may be useful for humans, though the side-effects are high, and it doesn’t help people who already have Alzheimer’s. [Source: Nature, 2003]

WEIGHT, WOMEN & ALZHEIMER’S

Researchers have also found a strong relationship in women between being overweight at age 70 and developing Alzheimer’s 10-18 years later, although being overweight doesn’t appear to effect men and Alzheimer’s. (http://www.stopgettingsick.com/Conditions/condition_template.cfm/6880/24/1 )

USE IT OR LOSE IT

Studies also suggest that keeping mentally active can ward off Alzheimer’s [New England Journal of Medicine]. Oddly physical activity had no positive preventive effect except in the case of dancing. Researchers speculated that could be because music engages the mind. ( http://www.stopgettingsick.com/Conditions/condition_template.cfm/6817/24/1 )

These are just a few of the latest โ€œsuggestions.โ€ So little is known for sure, and we hope research continues. In the meantime, we do hear the same things over and over โ€” good diet, exercise, and staying mentally active.

Resource: The Alzheimer’s Association, http://www.alz.org

For medical advice, consult your personal healthcare professional.

ยฉSusan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . I offer coaching, distance learning courses, and ebooks around emotional intelligence. Free ezine, Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc. Daily tips, send blank email to EQ4U-subscribe@yahoogroups.com . I train and certify EQ coaches. Start tomorrow, no residence requirement, global student body. Email for prospectus.

EQ and the Generation Gaps

My sister gave me a crossword puzzle for Xmas and so I got into them again. What a surprise. Now the clues have double meanings. Now it can mean 2,3 words. I remember when I took a graduate Linguistics course, hearing about Noam Chomsky, and the concept of a dictionary and how it is always evolving. So, you gotta stay current. But -- say I -- as with that childhood rhyme about friendship (Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold.) - it's good to become versant in many different kinds of ways -- language, culture, manners. In today's diverse world, it's a necessity.

Since I just moved from Texas to the D. C. area, I am experiencing culture shock. Not that I haven't lived other places, but I was 20+ years in Texas, most of it in San Antonio which has its own little culture. In addition, I do some contract work in Prince William County, which has a different demographic, and also "country," as in Haymarket, Va.

It's been fun learning. I've moved a lot in my lifetime and learned all about it as a kid. Watch. Listen. Figure out what's going on and then figure out how much you want to bend. I also lived in the north as a kid and summer-ed in Texas. Got it wrong, and got made fun of in each place. i.e., in Texas you HAD to way "Yes M'am" and "Yes Sir" -- or you would -- gasp -- get a paddling from the principal. In the north when I said it, they thought I was sucking up to the teacher. I only did it once. I learned early about - or you cultural relativism.

Some examples

A man who had been a pilot in the Air Force and therefore been all around the world, but has lived in Dover, DE for decades, told me that he liked the way I made eye contact. He said that was one thing he liked "about Texas women" which he had noticed when in training at Lackland, and also up in Waco. He said, "The women here look all around," and demonstrated to me. Will I change that? I guess I'll tame it down. That would be smart.

Getting ready to make a purchase at Sheetz in Harymarket, I walked up to the empty country. A man walked up to me and said, "I can tell you aren't from around here. Around here, you form one line." Will I change that? Unfortunately that applies only to the convenience stores in Haymarket. But in Haymarket, I'll do it.

The Koreans here mix the food in big bowls on the floor of the kitchen, sometimes sitting down. Will I do that? Nope! They expect you to take your shoes off when you enter. Yeah, that's okay, except that I researched that long ago, and sure, it works about mud on your shoes, but thye natural oils on your feet also stain and wear carpeting. That's why I got tile in the last house I had!

Honking on the highway is frequent and aggressive in Texas, Not so here. Do I miss it? Not a bit. In fact it's amazing how much stress-from-driving it removes to not hear honking. Good idea. Smart people.

DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS? Heck, don't mess with Maryland. Sign at a convenience store- don't litter. Fine is $1500 and suspension of driver's license. No wonder it's so clean around here. Will I adhere. Doh. I won't be littering in Maryland.

Men in the country area open the doors for women. Non-Anglo males in Falls Church and Chevy Chase open the doors for women. YOu catch my drift?

All my time in Manassas, Va., I've seen one man in a full suit with the tie and polished leather "Daddy shoes" and the whole bit.

The C&W station here plays the Star Spangled Banner at noon.

Sign in the ATM at the bank in Chevy Chase offers you choices of English, Spanish, Arabic or French.

I spent half my life looking for a free, free tennis court. In Manasses and Dale City, I have never seen anyone ON a tennis court. They are all, always, available.

I am preparing myself for the fact that all the public swimming pools are shut down at Labor Day, and I won't be swimming in my pool or my friends' pools. Wait a minute, I don't have a pool, and neither does anyone else.

In this case, the eternal 3 options apply -- change the situation, leave, or change your attitude,

My mom always used to tell me, when I would come to her puzzled by something that had -- yet again -- happened at school, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do."

Share your thoughts on this!

Psychiatrist Tests, Slays Suspect: A Cautionary Tale

When the 2 wrong people get together - from "Actually It Is Your Parents Fault," a book by Munching and Katz

Suicide via Psychiatrist .. or taking justice into your own hands

Sounds like something out of one of those 58 spin-offs of LAW & ORDER, I know, but it's true: a court-appointed psychiatrist, Manuel Poggi, spent 4 days giving a suspected murderer named Diaz a battery of tests, and then took his own belt and strangled Diaz, who didn't resist. "I had to do it for the good of society," Poggi told a news conference held in the police precinct where he'd committed the crime. "The hour had come to apply justice," he said. Poggie told reporters he'd been driven by frustration into killing Diaz, suspected in 8 grizzly murders, whom he described as "a monster of superior intelligence."

Ironically, there were police officers right outside the room where Poggi and Diaz were talking, put there by the head of the police homicide division, for Poggi's protection. The fact that Diaz didn't call out or try to make some noise that would alert the guards convinced at least one police official that Diaz had actually induced Poggi to murder him. In other words, the officvial believed that Diaz had committed suicide-by-psychiatrist.

_________________________________
Take a look/feel at how "inducable" you are. And how you may be inducing others to do things. This is the SELF-AWARENESS we talk about in emotional intelligence. In fact it is the CORNERSTONE of emotional intelligence.
For coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc

How to Comfort Someone Whose Child Has Died

Chettie blowing a kiss. Chester died April 1, 1999, at the age of 21. It could have been yesterday.

HOW TO COMFORT SOMEONE WHOSE CHILD HAS DIED
by Susan Dunn
Look for my book on the death of a child due to come out next year.

When a friend suffers the loss of a child, we don't know how to comfort them. Our first thought is usually, "I don't know what to say." When a child is lost, we all suffer, and it's particularly hard for other parents to deal with.

"Friends would cross the street to avoid me," one client told me.

What to say and how to help the grieving parents is a challenge.

I had first-hand experience with this when my son died several years ago. Let me share some thoughts from that perspective.

There are some things that aren't helpful:

•Asking the person what you can do to help, or any question, is beyond their capacity. People devastated by grief can't make the simplest decision, and they still have to make burial arrangements, etc. They are only capable of going through the motions. Nothing more. One foot in front of the other.

•Saying most of the things they say in movies --he's in a better place, it was God's will, your memories will comfort you, time will heal. They make no sense at the time. The person is trying to figure out something incomprehensible and doesn't have space to fit in other ideas.

•Assuming the grief-stricken person needs to express their emotions. It's all the person can do to contain the emotions. It's self-protection to shut down, and it's necessary.

•Trying ... trying anything. The grieving person feels the emotional pull when they're already on their last nerve and have nothing to give ... 'this person is trying to make me feel better, make me cry, make me explain something. I'm supposed to do something and I can't.' It's a fragile state.

•Thinking the grieving person needs to do something. To the grieving person, it feels like pressure, it makes absolutely no sense, and often it isn't 'needed' anyway. "You must eat something," elicits "Why?" You can't imagine how you're bouncing pebbles off a distant planet. Words, I'm sorry to say, really aren't of much use.

•References to other deaths. It's just a time not to do that, like sending a book about coping with the death of a child. The person needs not to be a part of a group -- widows who've lost husbands, mothers who've lost sons ... It needs to stand alone.

What, then, can you do?

Burying your own child has been called "a perversion of nature," and is that difficult to get your mind around. What parent has ever considered having to do this? Most of us care more about our children than life itself, and we cannot afford to entertain that thought, so there is no preparation. It's something we sincerely hope will happen to someone else, not us, if it must happen.

We expect our parents to die in our lifetime; it's difficult, but we've been expecting it.

Here are some of the things that helped me through. I can't say they comforted me, as for a time there was no way to comfort me, and I guess that's a point to be made. You don't even want to be comforted. What you want is your child back.

Understand I'm speaking from my personal experience. It's a terrible insult to imagine what someone else is feeling at this time, or what might help.

•My younger sister came to the Memorial Service and just made small talk. When she left, to go back home, she shook her head and said, "Oh Susan." She left a tape by Ian Tyson on my bedside table ... rock with me Jesus help me bear this heavy load, don't let her slip, don't let her slide ... all cowboys cross the Great Divide.

•After the dinner after the Service, folks came back to my house. My niece sat beside me and stroked my hair while she talked with everyone, so I didn't have to.

•A colleague at work met me coming out of the elevator my first day back to work. He looked up, then looked down with tears in his eyes and said, "I don't know what to say," and walked away with his shoulders bent. He had a child the same age as mine. It was thoughtful of him not to stick around and have me feel the need to comfort him.

•My friend who said, "Give me a list of people to call. I'll tell them for you."

•My boss said, when I returned to work, "The only reason I'm letting you be here is that it's maybe slightly better than being home." He gave me little things to do, to occupy my mind, but nothing requiring judgment.

•My twin sister called me every 6 weeks and said she was flying out for a visit. (Didn't ask, said.) She would show up at the house and just putter ... cook, clean, garden ... She didn't disturb me.

•When she answered the phone, I heard her say, "She can't talk now. She's seeking the mercy of sleep."

•My friend, who'd lost her 8 month old son ... when I asked her "How do I live with this?" she said, "I don't know. Yours is different. Mine was [just a baby] but yours was [21] and the longer you have them the worse it is." What a magnanimous statement.

•My friend who wrote, "From now on, for me, every tree will be missing a leaf."

•My son's friend who told me, when she heard about it, "That's really [expletive]."

•Between visits, my sister sent me homemade chocolate chip cookies, something very symbolic between the two of us. Mother ... home ... happier times. They arrived in shoe boxes, wrapped in plain brown paper. It's a time to be basic.

•The people who talked about how wonderful my son was, only at a distance ... by email, or letters.

•The friend who gave me a gift certificate for 10 massages.

•People who would, and still do, speak his name.

•Friends who remember the anniversary of his death. For most of us, it will never recede in time. It could be yesterday. It could even be today.

In the acute state of grief, the person can't think, and there's no emotional space. What isn't occupied by grief, is occupied by anger, which the person is trying not to vent against an innocent person. Just be around them, lovingly. Words aren't absorbed. There's authenticity in saying "I don't know what to say," when you don't.

Avoid trying to pull their emotions out, or to put yours on them. (Some people do express them.) Don't make any cognitive or emotional demands. If you can, remove cognitive tasks, i.e., tell them you're picking them up for dinner at Chili's, Tuesday at 6, and to wear jeans.

A gentle touch means a lot. Accept how they're being at the time. Understand that for them to respond is asking them to produce energy they don't have. Even the most gracious of us are hard-put to be gracious at such a time.

Avoid any references to "time." Time may heal this, time may not. You don't know, and the person isn't sure at all.

Chances are good "with time" your efforts will be appreciated and remembered, even if they didn't appear to hit the mark at the time. I'm not sure there is "a mark" to hit. Do the best you can, from your heart. Sincere, heartfelt intentions speak much louder than actual words.

(c) 2010 Susan Dunn, All rights reserved.

Toby Keith - A Little Too Much Amygdala

We've had opera on here,R&B, now a little more C&W.

Here is Toby Keith's "A Little Too Late." A story of the amgdala hidden in here. Some "intermittent explosive disorder"?

At the end, he does a "j.k." but -- and not to belabor what is 'just a song,' too much of this in a relationship will wear the other person out.



How do you learn to manager your anger? To live with an over-active amygdala? If females had written the shrink-terminology, THIS would be "hysteria" and "drama." Yes, guys do it too. And anger has beenc called "the all-purpose male emotion."

Take THE EQ COURSE and find out more. Email met at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Ol' Man River andThings

OL' MAN RIVER
We sweat and straing...body all achin' and racked with pain ...

This painting is not of workers on the Mississipi. It is of workers on the Volga, but one of my favorite paintings and it gets the point across.

I play the piano most nights in the lobby of a building here in D.C. Chevy Chase, to be exact. I have many books, one of which is called, THE BEST SONGS EVER. I love to play from it,and the people love to hear all their old favorites. For instance, I played Mona Lisa tonight and a woman clapped and said it was one of her favorites. I've been surprised and delighted to find out who wrote the lyrics and music to the old favorites ...more on that later.

Tonight I came across OL' MAN RIVER (Kern and Hammerstein). I hadn't heard it in years. I don't always read the lyrics as I play, but in this case I did,and I was so touched. Maybe because it's Friday night -- end of a work week -- and I heard a lot of stories this week of pain, suffering, and questioning.

What I hear a lot in my business is "Why." Why me? Why did it have to happen? Why doesn't God stop them? That sort of thing. It may be attached to God, or Allah, or Buddha ... but it is often there when times get tough.

Frank sings it for us -- "He don't say nothin' ... but he must know something." The expressions on Frank's face are incredible. Nothing shows emotion like blue eyes and he was, after all ... Watching this made me wonder what Frank Sinatra might have been through that we know nothing about. He don't say nothin', but he must know something -- Frank -- to put that much emotion into this song. Watch himstarting at 1.25. And at the end.

Here's Ole Blue Eyes ...



EMAIL ME FOR COACHING - sdunn@susandunn.cc . Long-distance or at my office - Chevy Chase, Md. and Manassas, Va.

I love this video because I'm a coach - Toby Keith's HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW.

Combine this -- "How Do You Like Me Now" with the Forbes video (http://video.forbes.com/fvn/personalbest/toby-keith-lessons-in-success) where Toby Keith talks about his rise to fame.

TOBY KEITH MADE $52 million IN '08 ACCORDING TO FORBES.



POINTERS

He attributes his success to hard work
He mentions a teacher who identified his talent (that's what we coaches do!)
The importance of finding out what you do well -- and each of us does something well

If you're struggling with rejection, can't seem to find work that you're good at/enjoy, are stuck, just got dumped in an email by the man of your dreams who led you on, feel like everyone's ship is coming in except yours, ..let me coach you.

LET ME COACH YOU SO YOU CAN SAY 'HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?'

How to Handle a PR Disaster with EQ

Emotional Intelligence involves, and/or IS, a lot of PR (public relations0>

From an article in ENTREPRENEUR about how to handle getting 'slammed' when you are a small business. Ronn Torossian reminds us that you can move faster as a small business -- or an individual -- and this is an asset -- if you know what you are doing.

TIPS:
1. Can't bury your head in a business crisis
2. Come up with a message about what went wrong and how to address it
3. DON'T WAIT TO APOLOGIZE
4. Communicate that message to everyone who's been affected, in person, one-by-one if possible
5. Do NOT pass things on through a lawyer or spokesperson. Delegating this usually means more disaster
6. Work on your delivery -- what you say in public can be more inportant that what you are actually saying. [HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS??]
7. Compare Tiger Woods' apoplogy with Clinton's.
8. Do everything you can to make yourself and your audience more comfortable9. "Speak compassionately and honestly, and don't pretend to be on a higher level than your sudience. It's the best way to put people at ease."
9. Be resigned to some fallout.

What you are doing here is damage control, and this is a serious emotional intelligence to master.

Got caught staring at another woman when you didn't think your fiance was looking?
Forget to pick up your neighbor's kids at school?
Late with a report at work?

There are so many occasions where we need finesse. Let me coach you on these skills. It's always good to have a Plan B, but it is BETTER to KNOW that you MUST HAVE a Plan B. Nobody's perfect.

P.S. Notice how BP has handled the BP oil spill. One radio ad that I think is particularly effective is the guy WITH THE APPROPRIATE ACCENT who says he's from the Gulf, cares about it, is in charge, and will do what needs doing.

Study other! Get coaching! It pays off.

What kind of manager/boss gets the most out of his/her employees?

I COACH EXECUTIVES, ATTORNEYS AND PHYSICIANS.
Latest offering - EQ for the Disruptive Physician


Studies revealthe same traits over and over, and yet it is so hard for people to grasp.

Here it is again, so listen up!

When people are asked what traits and qualities they admire in their mentors and leaders, the typical responses are that they are caring, engaging, authentic, positive thinkers, creative, patient, empathetic, charismatic and thoughtful.

These are also competencies, traits or qualities that can be learned. For instance, if you are a parent, you are fully aware that you learned PATIENCE when you became a parent. Can "charisma" be taught? Yes. These are all emotional intelligence competencies, and I have worked with many people in these areas. You can only make it so far in a career field, or in relationships, if you do not have these qualities.

Let me help you with the EQ course, coaching,mentoring, or a seminar in the D. C. area. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for more information. I have coached people all over the world in these important emotional intelligence competencies.

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE TRAITS IS AN EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE COMPETENCY THAT CAN BE LEARNED.

Is a Disruptive Doctor making your Work Environment Hell?

I hate to say it, but ...




No, the person I was talking to today did! She's a counselor, and when I told her "5 minutes of anger suppresses your immune system for up to 8 hours", she said she'd never heard that.

That's the "thing" I use to convince the people who get off on being angry, and are such a source of stress to other people. They're ruining their own health too, of course, but they aren't aware of that.

My EQ program is full of empirical (researched) data that is impossible to refute, and will convince the most cynical person. Um, I have worked with disruptive doctors, annoying lawyers, meddlesome daughters-in-law ... teachers who think they know it all. These people who can't manage their anger and really don't want to, can make life hell for the rest of us.

I also offer the highly-acclaimed DIFFICULT PEOPLE course. It might be just the thing for you.

Email me for more information. sdunn@susandunn.cc
I work internationally by phone and email, and my core courses are on the Internet. I also have offices in Manassas, VA and Chevy Chase MD for your convenience.

Losing Your Composure

Here it is again, in some advice about dating men. This is about the emotional intelligence competency of self-awareness.

Yes, it's bad enough to lose your composure, but it's really bad to lose your composure and have no idea why. This particularly comes up in pressure situations such as job interviews, relationships discussions, and dating.

If you find yourself losing your composure
too often, letting your emotions take over and
regretting it too often after the fact... and
you're starting to recognize that not all of
what you're doing and choosing to do with a man
is totally CONSCIOUS... then it's time you took
the time and the steps to take care of what's
going on INSIDE YOU first.

If you'd like to increase your COMPOSURE, you need to increase the emotional intelligence competency of self-awareness. Let me coach you. Call me at 817-734-1471 or email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and let's get started now. I am a certified EQ (emotional intelligence) coach.

Tight Job Market - all the more need for emotional intelligence

Emotional Intelligence is in the news more all the time. Those of us who were early adopters know why. With the economy in the shape it's in, there is more stress for everyone AND there is more competition for the jobs that are available. As we've said all along, if two people have equal intelligence, skills, and experience, which one is going to get hired?

The answer: The one YOU would want to work with.

Which means the one with the higher emotional intelligence.

Let me help you improve yours. Here are some of the complaints that HR people have when they interview candidates:

** They act like a robot.
** She got hysterical just in an interview session.
** She got so nervous when I asked her questions, I wondered how she would make it through the interview.
** Even with simple questions, he got defensive. I couldn't imagine asking our employees to work with him.
** He was abrasive. I would not ask one of our managers to have him in their department.
** Looked good on paper. In person she was just plain out annoying.

Email me for coaching at sdunn@susandunn.cc and let's get started. This tight market means you need help with stress AND with interview techniques. Let's say personality, and emotional intelligence.

About Expectations and the Family Vacation

Are you getting ready to take the kids on a vacation? If so, check out my article "About Expectations and the Family Vacation."

I offer coaching on most issues (career, personal, relationship, transition, emotional intelligence) and also train and certify you to be a coach. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for more information.

Prefrontal and anterior cingulate cortices which play key roles in vigilance and scepticism

HEALERS ... PARENTS ... DOCTORS ... TEACHERS

Parts of the prefrontal and anterior cingulate cortices, which play key roles in vigilance and scepticism when judging the truth and importance of what people say, were deactivated when the subjects listened to a supposed healer. Activity diminished to a lesser extent when the speaker was supposedly a normal Christian [sic] (Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience)

Schjødt says that this explains why certain individuals can gain influence over others, and concludes that their ability to do so depends heavily on preconceived notions of their authority and trustworthiness.

It's not clear whether the results extend beyond religious leaders, but Schjødt speculates that brain regions may be deactivated in a similar way in response to doctors, parents and politicians.

St. Patrick's Day in Chicago - YES!

Scawy Blizzard

THE STEPS I JUST SHOVELED.

There's a blizzard here in D. C. right now. I just moved here for this (hah!) and every time we head out to shovel, I think of all the times I've read in the paper, or seen news stories, about people having heart attacks while shoveling snow.

The worry is enough to give you a heart attack.

Here are some excerpts from an interesting article called DEATH BY DRIVEWAY? To read the full article, go here: http://www.slate.com/id/2244173?nav=wp .

Journalists are writing stories about shoveling-induced heart attacks.
"Shoveling Snow Can Cause Heart Problems" (WHIZ News);
"shoveling snow can be incredibly dangerous for someone with a cardiac condition" (Staunton News Leader);
"heart attacks among shovelers are a major concern" (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette).

Is there a real connection between shoveling and cardiac trouble? they ask. And the answer is:

Studies published in the Lancet and the American Journal of Cardiology, among other outlets, show that the incidence of heart failure goes up in the week after a blizzard.

But ... and there's always a but, they add:

It's possible that snow-shoveling is no more dangerous than any other physically draining activity—that the same individuals who die while clearing their driveways could just as well succumb to a vigorous jog. The post-blizzard spike could be attributed to the fact that sedentary people with potential heart problems have no choice but to engage in heart-pounding work with a shovel, whereas other aerobic activities (at other times of year) can be put off or skipped altogether.