Monday, January 26, 2009
Top 10 Tips for Online Dating ... and the Important No. 11
When you're establishing a relationship, you want to build trust. Whatever you SAY, back it up. No one is MAKING you say "I will call you tomorrow," so if you say it, mean it and do it.
Top 10 Internet Dating Tips
1. People are dating on the Internet because we all have serious limitations - geographical and timewise.
Example: Martin in looking online. Martin is 85 and lives in Lantana, Texas. Where the heck is Lantana Texas (and I live in Texas)??
2. Watch the spelling! It matters. It stops the flow, and makes a poor impression.
Someone sent me an email they got today with the subject line "Hi Cuttie Pie!"
By the time she got around that one, her initial enthusiasm had died.
3. Men, pursue, gently. Don't give ultimatums or orders. This is courtship, not business.
Let's say you haven't heard from her in a week.
Yes: I'm still hoping to hear from you. I think we have a lot in common.
No: Okay, this is it. I hotlisted you and I emailed you twice. Either write me back or just tell me no.
NO ONE responds well to an ultimatum.
4. Men, keep a lid on your "visual" and your innuendos.
No: I've seen you peeking. Come on and email me.
No: While on the phone, looking at her profile photo, "What is it you have on? What's that a top or a sweater or what?
These things are creepy for women.
5. Keep at it. This is not a quick-fix thing.
Marty has been busy with work. She finally got to her emails and there were 2 that interested her, from about a month ago. When she went to look, it said their profiles had been removed. We know this means either (1) the profile has been removed; or (2) it is no longer accessible to YOU, you've been blocked.
Either way - not good. It usually takes months of being on the site. I've had male clients who said "this doesn't work" after just one month. Don't be so fast on the trigger.
6. It's a War of Nerves for men and women both. People need to take breaks, especially when it's someone they're really interested in. This applies more to women. If she doesn't reply right away, or breaks the momentum, wait. Don't badger. The proceed again.
Nancy had a really promising phone conversation with a man, after emailing. He ended the call saying he wanted to see her. She writes me that it's been two days and he hasn't called her. My advice: Don't worry. That's usually the way it goes. If he 's going to see you, this is how men work -- they WORK. Remember, I coach lots of male clients. They disappear to go do the work. From what I hear, he is making lists, i.e., to have a relationship with this woman I have to get the bathroom retiled, rearrange my investment portfolio and check airfares for the best price.
Yes, it's true! That's what they do.
Gentlmen, now that I've told you this is hard on the woman, consider checking-in phone calls or emails. Just to let her know you're still there and still interested.
7. Gentle pressure.
Be a breeze going through the forest, not a hurricane destroying everything in its path. This may seem like the person who could be the Love of Your Life, but
8. Remember you always can control the pace.
Anna just put a new photo on her profile. She was deluged with emails and said "This is too much. I just don't like it."
Two points here:
(1) The photo really matters. To both sexes.
(2) Don't try and eat the elephant in one bite. Responses tend to come in batches. There WILL be a change in the pace, so while it's good, just enjoy. Answer them one-by-one.
9. A gentle beginning usually brings on a long-lasting relationship.
IM is especially bad for this. You meet someone and then IM constantly, and for days. This doesn't work. You get TMI too fast. And ladies, it's generally up to YOU to control the pace.
10. Men, ask the woman about herself, but not like it's a deposition. Ask open-ended questions.
Yes: So how do you like living in San Diego? I've never been there. What's it like?
No: How long have you lived in San Diego? (next) How long have you been single? (next) Usually people who do this then ask the impossible question, like "How come you never remarried.
If you need coaching on how to have these intial conversations, call me. Set up a time by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org .
And here's the important
No. 11 It really does work. I talk to people all the time who have met people on the Internet that they established long-term relationships or marriage with. YES IT WORKS, if you work it.