Saturday, September 03, 2005




Actual ad from a room-mate search website. (Could someone make this up?) I don't think there will be much competition.
$300 - Two bedroom share
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Reply to: deleted
> Date: 2005-04-04, 1:20AM PDT
> Hello, I am seeking out a roommate. I've had several the past
> three months that did not work out so well and am hoping to find
> "the perfect housemate." I think it can be done!
> 1) I am a plastic surgeon, single straight male, and am wealthy
> but rather lonely. I could keep this house to myself, and have
> for about a year, but I've realized that life is much better when
> it's shared with people who are conscious (as opposed to my
> clients and my nursing staff!). (This is not to say that my
> nursing staff is unconscious -- obviously they are not! It's just
> very difficult to become friends with a staff that is somewhat
> dubious of my methods. I'm no rogue, but I do have
> Eastern-influenced techniques that some find odd and/or
> disconcerting -- but I do have a 99% success rate! In any case,
> it doesn't make much sense to mix business and pleasure.)
> 2) I do have a dog, Basil Ironweed (yes that is his name, people
> seem to be confused that I have given him a full name like a
> person and some kind of laugh, but I assure you I take my dog
> very seriously and treat him with respect, and I ask that you do
> the same). It would actually be ideal if you have a female dog of
> pure pedigree (I'd need to see the papers though, for breeding
> purposes) and I'd prefer her to be a medium-sized dog (I will
> consider most breeds except absolutely no Austrailian Kelpies and
> no American Water Spaniels, please! The coloring of the mating
> dogs' possible kin would be horrendous if this were the case!
> Also, Basil is a Border Collie in case you were wondering!) If
> you do not have a dog, that is also fine. All other pets will be
> considered except: no cats unless they are of the outdoor
> variety, no arthropods, and all avians must be salmonella-free,
> clipped toenails, and tagged.
> 3) My house has only a one-car garage. It used to be a two-car
> one, but I decided to convert half of it into a micro-personal
> gym as I am rather health conscious. (I do have a gym membership,
> but my gym is not 24-hour, and sometimes at night I really need
> to get on the bowflex to burn off some of my energy since I have
> a lot of it! Also, after meals it's inconvenient for me to run
> off to the gym, and that is why I need one at my disposal. The
> gym membership is because they have a pool there, and swimming is
> really good for the joints. Just in case you were wondering.)
> That said, you'll have to use street parking, but I assure you
> that my neighborhood is quiet and safe, and there is usually a
> spot right out in front of my house! (The only time the spot is
> taken is when the lunch truck comes for the construction workers
> that are on the corner of my street. It only sits there for about
> 20 minutes between 1 and 2 pm during the week, depending on how
> chatty the boys are that day.)
> Anyways, I have a few rules that need to be followed, but other
> than that, we should get along fine!
> a) I request that you listen to all music via headphones. I have
> mild tinnitus and the sounds from most Hi-Fi equipment sans
> headphones really irriates me. I am open to discussing music, but
> sadly we cannot directly share it as my ears can't handle rapidly
> changing frequencies. (If you'd like to share lyrics, I'd be more
> than delighted to oblige!)
> b) If you are going to cook, please do not use the following
> spices: curries, paprika, anything Cajun, and dill. The smells of
> these things turns my stomach. (If you have any scents that you'd
> like to avoid, by all means let me know and I'll do you the same
> honor.)
> c) You must brush your teeth at least twice a day. If there is
> anything I cannot stand it's filthy teeth. (Believe me, I've had
> a couple roommates who just could not handle this simple
> routine -- your gingiva may not mind, but I certainly DO.)
> d) If you are going to watch TV, please let me know in advance
> which programs you'd like to watch. I do have TiVo, by the by,
> and I have certain shows that I simply must watch when they
> originally air. I cannot be too flexible with this because I
> cannot stand to wait to see my programs. You have to understand
> that I simply have to watch them when they originally air or I
> will get a little batty. Most of my programs are on public
> broadcasting and do not tend to run during prime-time spots.
> e) I do not appreciate unannounced house-guests. I need to know
> at least two days in advance that company is coming -- I need to
> know the duration of the stay, and the nature of the visit. But,
> I am open to any and all visitors, I just need to know the
> specifics involved.
> f) I have reduced rent drastically because I realize that some of
> my requests might seem slightly stringent. I will pay the bulk of
> the rent in exchange for your understanding, your committment to
> the house, and your humoring of my quirks.
> g) You must be ok with my upholstery hobby. On every
> third-Tuesday of the month I request that you vacate the house
> between the hours of 4 pm - 11:45 pm while I upholster various
> pieces of antique furniture. I am a perfectionist and require
> complete silence in the house. I've tried this with housemates
> who've promised to stay in their rooms, but this proved
> impossible as bathroom habits demand a regular schedule that
> interrupts my artisan work. That said, I will give you a small
> stipend on these days if it will assist you in finding something
> to do with that block of time.
> h) No newspapers or magazines. The ink gets everywhere and the
> gloss irritates my eyes. Sorry! You are free to read them on the
> front porch, but they must be stored outside of the house
> (perhaps in your car?)
> i) This is not to sound discriminating, but, if you speak either
> French, Urdu, or Afrikaans, I kindly request that you not speak
> them in my vicinity as the cadences used in these languages are
> grating to the ears and nerves, for me.
> j) I have fresh produce delivered from an undisclosed location to
> my home every Wednesday afternoon. Please do not purchase fruits
> or vegetables and bring them home. You can request any that you
> desire and I will add them to my order queue. (I am fastidious
> about potential-GM produce and pesticide usage -- I will not
> tolerate either!) Also, if you insist on preparing red meat
> dishes in the home, do cook the meat thoroughly. IT MUST SIZZLE.
> k) No cellphone tones in my home! Please use silent mode only!
> l) You are not to use paints in the home. The noxious odors will
> aggravate my allergies!
> That's the summary of my requests! I do actually have a handbook
> which I will provide for your perusal during our interview (yes,
> there will be an interview for final-stage candidates) that
> outlines all of my more particular requests.
> If you are interested, please email me the following information:
> 1) Name
> 2) Occupation
> 3) Age
> 4) Allergies
> 5) Favorite author
> Cheers!
> Charleville Blvd. at S. Doheny Dr. google map yahoo map
> a.. yes -- dogs are OK - wooof
> b.. this is in or around Beverly Hills
> c..

1 comment:

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