How to Build a Student for the 21st Century ... Emotional Intelligence

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IN THE NEWS...

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE U. S. EDUCATION SYSTEM? It doesn't teach Emotional Intelligence says Times cover story (12.10.06) summarized on CNN HERE.

Developing good people skills, EQ, or emotional intelligence, is as important as IQ for success in today's workplace. "Most innovations today involve large teams of people," says former Lockheed Martin CEO Norman Augustine. "We have to emphasize communication skills, the ability to work in teams and with people from different cultures."

The article is not about "the national conversation on education [that] has focused on reading scores, math tests and closing the 'achievement gap' between social classes [for the past give years]. . . [It] is a story about the big public conversation the nation is not having about education, the one that will ultimately determine not merely whether some fraction of our children get 'left behin' but also whether an entire generation of kids will fail to make the grade in the global economy because they can't think their way through abstract problems, work in teams, distinguish good information from bad or speak a language other than English."

To read the complete article, go HERE.

READ AND HEED: THE SON OF SCROOGE, the review in The Observer calls this new book about Andrew Mellon.

"David Cannadine's account of this 'hollow man', a 'dried-up dollar bill that the wind might whisk away', is, paradoxically, mesmerising," says the review.

The book tells how he lived with his ageing parents into his forties, eating mush for dinner, and then catapulted into a predicatbly disastrous marriage to a beautiful 19 year old.

"Frustrated by flesh-and-blood relationship," it continues, "[Mellon] also began to collect the paintings that would fill his bequest to the nation: the National Gallery. . . [His] favourties were the 18th century portraits of women he described as his 'English beauties.' 'I am surrounded by nice people here,' he told a visitor to his portrait-lined Washington apartment."

"...with its brilliantly-drawn catalogue of moral flaws, missed opportunities, snarled relationships and ruined lives ... it is an American tragedy.

Read the complete book review here. Order the book

Dear Santa, please get my parents to calm down.

Dear Santa,

Please get my parents to calm down and quit fighting. They're yelling at me for no reason. I thought it was supposed to be a happy time. Please help.
Love, [Your Child?]

ARE YOU GETTING STRUNG OUT?

I serve as Step-Parenting Expert for a major website, and the emails for advice are pouring in. The phone is also ringing off the hook on the coaching side, as Christmas nears. It's a time a lot of people have begun to dread.

If you're overwhelmed, give me a call. Give yourself a break -- a coaching break. Special for the season - $50 per call.

It's really hard on the kids when their parents are getting spaced out, frantic, impatient, short-tempered, and so forth. You owe it to yourself, your family and your co-workers to get yourself "under management." It's a shame to be having such an awful time when it's supposed to be a happy time. This really confuses kids! The Christmas breaks will be here soon, and they'll be out of school, so get proactive. Give me a call.

I have lots of tips, and lots of experience. I also have blocked off lots of time. So give me a call. (817) 741-7223. You can email before to make sure and set a time just for you. sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Why not learn some ways to get this Christmas thing more manageable and enjoyable? That's what emotional intelligence is all about and it can be learned. Good news! There's help.

Check out my article, HOW TO LEARN WHAT YOU NEED TO LEARN IN ORDER TO SUCCEED, on the Reading Skills Blog.

Christmas at Arlington

CHRISTMAS AT ARLINGTON
ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY





Christmas at Arlington

The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

Christmas at Arlington ... Christmas at Arlington ... Christmas at Arlington

It''s making the round by email, so I don't know whom to attribute this to, but it was sent to me by Dr. John Alifano, a veteran of Vietnam.

THE PRAYER

Rest easy, sleep well my brothers
Know the line has held,
Your job is done.

Rest easy, sleep well.
Others have taken up where you fell,
the line has held.
Peace, peace, and farewell.

According to the email I received, the wreaths 5,000 of them, are donated each year by the Worcester Wreath Co. of Harrington, Maine. The owner, Merrill Worcester, not only provides the wreaths, but covers the trucking expense as well. He's done this since 1992.

Most years, a group of Maine school children combine an educational trip to D. C. with this event to help out.

Making this even more remarkable is the fact that Harrington is in one the poorest parts of the state.

Please share this with everyone on your address list. You hear too much about the bad things people do. Everyone should hear about this!

I agree!

P.S. This is a true question -- aren't there some sisters buried there as well?

Americans Should Show More Emotional Intelligence in Iraq?

Is this the clueless listening to the clueless?

"As we Americans plan our strategy for Iraq, let's show more emotional intelligence." This is the subtitle of Op-Ed Columnist Nicholas D. Kristof (New York Times) article "Cut and Walk" published December 5, 2006. It is available HERE if you are a subscriber, which I am not.

The blogs are hastening to address this comment and article.

On NewsBusters: Exposing and Combating Liberal Media Bias, Mark Finkelstein says Kristof's column reads like "something that might have been written by warm 'n fuzzy Stuart Smalley, the SNL character Al Franken hilariously immortalized before deciding he had serious things to say. "

I agree with one of the commentators to Finkelstein's blog - I'm not going to pay to read the article, which is pay-per-view. But I want to comment on the comments, in the defense of Emotional Intelligence. It should not in any way be linked to Stuart Smalley. Though it's a common misconception, to segue into that, no matter what Kristof said, is misleading.

It is a common misconception, by those who have not studied the field of Emotional Intelligence that it's about "touchy feely."

What's touchy-feely about a manager losing his temper, slugging an employee and bringing on a lawsuit?

What's Stuart Smalley about a CEO being so depressed about his divorce that he's out drinking all night and carousing, and unable to pay attention to the bottom-line?

Is there something "weak" about a person who is so out of touch with their gut feeling that they continually make precisely the wrong move in every sensitive situation?

Is there something to laugh about when a nuclear engineer whose IQ is 170 is so out-of-touch with the real world, she fails to notice a hiss and change in temperature that would have warned her to get everyone out before the place blew up? (I coached a consultant in the UK who works with people who work in dangerous fields to get them in touch with their EQ - the only thing that can keep them safe. )

And there's nothing group-hug about getting someone under control who can't control the feeling of lust and thereby jeopardizes your corporation with his continual sexual harassment, about which he is "clueless."

Again, I don't know how Kristof applied Emotional Intelligence in re: Iraq, but I don't like to see the field of Emotional Intelligence cast in this sort of disparaging light.

Note that I did not read Kristof's article and so I do not critique it. If you haven't studied Emotional Intelligence, should you be critiqueing it? There's a distinction between criticizing the field of Emotional Intelligence, and criticizing how Kristop uses the term and what he writes in his article.

And knowing that difference if part of what Emotional Intelligence is all about.

Here 's a place where you can read about it: www.susandunn.cc .
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Read my article on BuildYourOwnBusiness - "How Managers Use Emotional Intelligence Like Map Coordinates".

Art used by permission, www.claudiafernety.com .

Christmas: The Gift of Simplicity with Emotional Intelligence

The Best Christmas Gift You Can Give: Simplicity

SIMPLIFY FOR THE HOLIDAY - THE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE WAY

On her blog for Virtual Assistants from Prescott, Arizona, she writes:

The holidays are here and for many, chaos has ensued. Before you know it, your personal to do list has spilled over into your work list, you give up your fitness routine to make another online shopping foray or social engagement, you lose focus and whoa! You’re out of control!

It’s not too late to regain control, though. All you have to do is rethink what you’re doing for a moment. Breathe. Then, revert to simplicity.

Part organizational approach and part life philosophy, simplification is a tactic you can use in any aspect of your work or personal life when you’re teetering toward a meltdown.
Susan Dunn has a great article posted on OnlineOrganizing.com called “The Best Christmas Gift You Can Give: Simplicity.”

Whether you are a person who observes Christmas or not, you surely face some overload challenges at certain times of the year. Susan dissects such drains as a “cluttered social calendar, “rescuing mentality,” “disposable gifts,” and people who have become, unfortunately, your “tolerations.”

Start your simplicity plan today, with help from Susan!

Check out the article. I hope you'll find it helpful.
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Susan Dunn is an independent Arbonne consultant.

Christmas with Emotional Intelligence

It used to be the 3 of you against the world...................what happened?

You love them. Now learn how to get along with them for the holidays.

Take the How to Handle Difficult People course. Internet,unltd email. $79.99. Could be the best money you ever spent.

IT'S A TEST, WINTER IS.

Imagine way back when in the time of myth, when there was no written history, people didn't live to count the passing of many seasons, and there wasn't much sense of "history" or "time." The Greeks invented the myth of Apollo drawing the sun across the sky each day so they could manage their fears that the each night the sun would disappear and never come back. They were dependent on the sun for everything and they went through this every day.

They invented the myth of Persephone to deal with the seasons. When winter came, and the days grew dark and cold, and all the vegetation died, on which their lives depended, there weren't that many people around who'd lived through enough seasons to be able to guarantee the winter wouldn't last goever. Persephone went down to Hades each fall, symbolizing this, and then would return to the land in the spring - and the world would rejoice with sun, warmth and new growth -- for food.

In this season as we gather to wait
in the darkness of winter nights
for Light to come,
may our hearts be filled with joy and promise.

We gather together at this time of the year, the Winter Solstice, and there is a holiday at this time of year for most cultures. Why? So we could gather with our kinfolk and relatives at Christmas and warm our toes at their fire.

If it's gotten a bit cold and dark for you, take the How to Handle Difficult People course and bring back the glow.

Learn how to stop the MADness. Harmful patterns in families run deep last a long time, and can be intensely annoying - unless someone quits doing what they've been doing. Then the whole system has to change.

Why not let it be you? GET YOURSELF MERRIED THIS YEAR.

Click here to register and pay for this interactive Internet course. ___________________________________________________________
GET YOURSELF MARRIED THIS YEAR

Relationship Coaching with Susan Dunn
Attract the man of your dreams . Get him back. Get him to marry you instead of ...
Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc to schedule your coaching or call (817) 741-7223.
Susan is the "Attract the Man of Your Dreams" Expert for Expert.com, and also the Step-Parenting Expert. We've got you covered! Merry Christmas!

Arbonne Holiday Party

Hey, rest those weary feet of yours, and do your holiday shopping the easy way.

Today is the day! If you live in the San Diego area, come to the ARBONNE HOLIDAY GIFT SHOW.

WHEN: Friday, December 1, from 4-9 p.m.

WHERE: April's house in La Mesa

WHO: Your hostesses are Nancy Fenn and April Mills

WHAT: Refreshments, good company, and good cheer plus lots of great gift ideas for your boss, secretary, stepmother, nieces and nephews, your nail and spa friends, co-workers, boyfriend, husband, and more!

PAMPER-MINT!

There will be wrapped packages to choose from

as well as individual items for you to test and discover. The Pampermint foot pampering set is a great idea for just about anyone. Especially if they're on their feet all day! Place your order and relax.

For directions, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc

Hey! Babies have tootsies too!

Do you have a baby on your shopping list? Well, chances are they already have enough clothes and toys, so how about Arbonne's Baby Products. Safe and pure. Their mom will really appreciate the care you show. Baby's health is very important and what you put on your skin is absorbed into the blood stream. Help get that little one off to a good start.

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How to Write

What ABOUT the heart? What ABOUT emotion?

From the helium.com blog ... in response to how to write, we get a good deal of Emotional Intelligence tips.

Writes Sam:

I've been reading a biography of Audrey Hepburn. And one thing she said struck me as very true. She said that in portraying Anne Frank on stage, "I act the same way now as I did forty years ago...with feeling instead of technique. All my life I've been in situations where I've had no technique, but if you FEEL enough you can get away with murder."

There are so many books that teach story telling technique, but what about heart, what about emotion? Where do you find it?

Well you find it by looking inside. Knowing people is knowing emotions. The cornerstone of Emotional Intelligence is self-awareness. Without it, there can be no Emotional Intelligence.

Sam answers his own question:

One answer is contained in my second paragraph ... I firmly believe that screenwriters should try to learn as much about people (and themselves) as possible. Through biographies (not the the cheesy, tabloid kind) you can learn about the motivations of people who lived exceptional lives. You can learn about the experiences and forces that shaped them and their decisions.

Yes, definitely not the cheesy, tabloid kind. Great literature. Read the hard stuff.

Start with Shakespeare. Try "Othello" and then see Verdi's opera, "Otello." It is the study of a man who cannot control his anger and jealousy. He is therefore easy prey. He trusts whom he shouldn't, and he doesn't trust whom he should. He flips out and doesn't check things out rationally, with his neocortex.

His enemy Iago wants him dead, and all he has to do is wind Othello up, push the button and watch him self-destruct. It's so easy. Otello is so predictable. It is so tragic. The ultimate in self-sabotage. Want to find the heart, the emotion? Listen to Mario Lanza sing Otello's final aria, Niun Mi Tema ... which he sings to his wife, whom he has just killed (it ends with un bacio, un bacio ancora ... un altra bacio ... (a kiss, another kiss, a last kiss), just before he plunges a knife into his own heart. (Verdi at his best!) If you cannot access this video, go here: http://www.youtube.com/v/M4sfXc5a5Y4 .

Freud said what he knew about human nature, he got from Shakespeare. So it might be a good start, and also a place where you never finish!
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Did you read the report that showed that the average office telephone has more germs on it than the average office bathroom toilet seat? (ug)

It's Important to Use Emotional Intelligence with Your Doctor

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Now ... you know the story about not getting your waitress annoyed at you until AFTER you've received your food? What do you think happens if you get your doctor annoyed at you before your treatment is completed??

Dr. Aniruddha Malpani, MD practices in Bombay, Maharashtra, India and has this to say on his informational blog for patients about using emotional intelligence with your physician. A lot of the tenets of Emotional Intelligence are being compared to meditation, because they accomplish some of the same beneficits -- including -- the Middle Path. Emotional Intelligence is all about "not too much, not too little, but just right."

Here from the doctor's blog:

I am a firm believer in the importance of information therapy and I believe that patients should become experts in the treatment of their own illness. Health is too important to be left up to a doctor, and an active partnership is key to ensuring you get good medical care. However, as with everything else, too much of a good thing can be bad !

Some patients become obsessive-compulsive - and often end up harming themselves. They often become too aggressive or demanding, as a result of which they damage their relationship with their doctor.

Unhappy doctors are unlikely to provide a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on - which means that even if they get high quality medical care which is technically adequate, they often get little emotional support.

It's not a good idea to ruffle your doctor's feathers - and a high EQ ( emotional quotient) is as important as a high IQ ( intelligence quotient) when you are a patient. As the Buddha said, The Middle Path is often the best !

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Concerned about anger management - yours? your spouse's? your colleagues'? your employees? Whether it's personal concern, wanting to develop personally, court-ordered, or employer-recommended, take our "Anger Management through Emotional Intelligence" course.

With the vast array of questionable product out there, at last the long-awaited "Anger Management Through Emotional Intelligence," based on Susan Dunn's unique program. It is empirically-based (research, data, facts) AND based on her years of clinical experience dealing with actual people in real life situations. Culled from theories, but based on what WORKS. For more information, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Susan Dunn, MA, Clinical Psychology, The EQ Coach

Who Are You Grateful To This Thanksgiving?

URL: http://www.susandunn.cc/
Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc

WHO ARE YOU GRATEFUL TO?
Acknowledging the Team

This article is for you if you’re a behind-the-scenes kind of person: the administrative assistant who gets the presentation ready for the guys in marketing but doesn’t get to go to the meeting; the PR pro who writes all the CEO’s speeches and answers all the complain letters; the at-home mother who makes sure the concert pianist practices; the deputy chief whose job description is doing all the things the chief doesn’t like to do or can’t do; or the paralegal who prepares all the pleadings, knows all the codes, and does all the licking and stamping.

This article is also for you if benefit from the work of one of those people.

Temistocle Solear, Antonio Ghislanzoni, Henri Meilhac, Jules Barbier, Michael Carre, Giuseppe Giacosa, Luigi Illica, Renato Semoni, and Nicola Haym all know what this is like.
Who on earth are these people?

Well, even if you’re not an opera fan, I bet you’ve heard of the composers Verdi, Bizet, Mozart, Strauss, Gounod, Handel, Donizetti and Puccini. And I’m sure you’ve heard of some of their operas: Aida, Carmen, Cosi fan Tutte, Madama Butterfly, Faust and Don Giovanni, for instance.

Did you know that these composers wrote the music for their operas, but not the lyrics? Solear, Ghislanzoni and the other individuals in the list are what’s called “librettists.” It is they who wrote the words (the libretto) the opera singers sing, without which you would be listening to a symphony, not an opera. And we never hear their names! In most cases, the words were written first, and then the composers whose names we know so well, wrote the music.

Like Gilbert and Sullivan, they worked together in pairs. The inimitable Richard Wagner was the only one to compose all his own operas entirely by himself, creating both music and lyrics, which may account for why they are so powerful, so Wagnerian. This is quite a feat because composing music and writing words require different parts of the brain.

Sometimes the composer and librettist met in person, while other times they worked via correspondence. Strauss worked exclusively with one librettist, after writing his own lyrics for his first opera and finding out he wasn’t good at it, but most other composers switched around, finding the right librettist for the job, or one who was available. It’s not unlike the way many of us work these days, long-distance and by contract.

What an incredible collaboration an opera is. It takes costume and set designers as well, because an opera is as much visual as it is auditory, and it is what makes Grand Opera, grand. In the Santa Fe opera’s production of “Turnadot,” when the moon appeared, she iwas personified and costumed in a magnificence that seemed to dominate the stage for half an hour. Another opera I hope to see one day is Verdi’s “Aida,” I mean Verdi and Ghislanzoni’s “Aida,” on stage at the Bath of Caracalla in Rome. The Triumphal March of Rhadames features live elephants and horses on stage. Now that’s entertainment!

What we don’t see at an opera is the orchestra, a crucial element. They’re listed in the program, of course, and given their bows at the curtain call, but we only hear them, seated below in the orchestra pit.

Many elements go together to produce the opera as see that bears the name of one man only.
Take “Turnadot” for instance. It was librettist Semoni who gave Puccini the suggestion for the opera in the first place, telling him about Turandotte, a play written by Gozzi, based on a fable from the Arabian Nights.

Puccini had been searching for two years for a suitable plot for an opera, and at the age of 61, began “Turandot,” instructing his librettists, Adami and Semoni, to “pour great pathos into the drama.” Puccini, of course, is know for the most beautiful melodies in opera. He was also know for being extremely demanding, requiring endless rewrites from his librettists.

From his point of view, however, the librettists were difficult. We can read his letters begging them to do their work. Semoni was in charge of Act III, and Puccini’s letters beg, “The third! The third! The third!”

At one point, he confessed to a friend “Music disgusts me,” as he evidently had periods of self-doubt and composer’s block. Toscanini paid him a visit and gave him the encouragement to keep going. Every team has their Toscanini; or should.

Puccini was justified in urging completion of the opera as he died before the completion of the third act. The collaboration continued, as Toscanini found a composer named Franco Alfano, whose name is rarely mentioned, to complete it. The world premier took place on April 25th, 1926, the work of one guiding genius and many hands, hearts, and minds.

It isn’t that teamwork and collaboration is new, it’s that it’s newly being recognized. Most of us realize we couldn’t accomplish anything alone, while those behind the scenes who work long and willing hours, long for some recognition. “Appreciation,” after all, top the list when employees talk about what they want at their job. It’s number one so consistently, it’s a wonder it isn’t heeded more.

Richard Montuori, town manager of Bellica, Massachusetts, knows and appreciates his team. I love [my] job, he said in a newspaper interview. “Every day is different and presents new challenges. Finances are a daily and yearly challenge, but no one person ever accomplishes anything alone. We have excellent department heads and town boards that help keep the town moving in the right direction.”

Isn’t it nice to hear someone publicly acclaim the team that makes them shine? I hope your boss or manager does this for you, and that if you’re the boss or manager, you appreciate and acknowledge and sing the unsung heroes in your midst.

But how do you praise everyone? There are always so many.

Here’s a leadership trick I learned from a pro. At the culmination of a fundraising banquet engineered by many, and funded by many more, the director of the benefited-agency rose and thanked everyone who helped make it possible. Then he added, looking around the room, “and I’d especially like to thank someone – you know who you are – who made this happen.”
I thought it was me! So did many other people, I’m sure, and that was what the director had in mind, he told me later when I asked him whom he had in mind, because his glance around the room was professionally ambivalent.

It works. And it’s always, always true.

Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc/. Providing coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional success. I train and certify EQ coaches internationally. Email for info on this fast, affordable, comprehensive, no-residency program. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free EQ ezine.

ORDER YOUR DEFENSE BUILDER NOW. Get your immune system built up for the holidays. Shop safely online with me at MyArbonne. To your health!

Swimming with Dolphins Increases Emotional Intelligence

SWIMMING WITH DOLPHINS RAISES EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE?

According to a recent press release from Kealakekua, Hawaii, swimming with dolphins improves emotional intelligence by developing an individual’s capacity for ‘biophilia’ - the ability to love life and connect with nature. Increases in emotional intelligence - the ability to become aware of, to manage, to integrate emotions, and capacities such as biophilia - lead to improved communications and interactions with others in social settings. Swimming with dolphins therefore helps individuals develop capacities for resolving interpersonal conflicts, says Dr. Michael Salla, an international expert in conflict resolution who has taught at prestigious universities in the United States and Australia. He has set up a swim-with-the-dolphin program for married couples. Read the rest of the article HERE.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I've also trained coaches who use horses to teach emotional intelligence. But you don't have to go to Hawaii to increase your EQ. You can take the EQ Course and with coaching. Call me at 817-741-7223 for more information, or mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Spot-coaching also available (one-time sessions). Good preparation for the holidays.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM LATELY? It's getting cold out there! We recommend Arbonne's DefenseBuilder. Technologically-advanced formula, scientifically proven to nutritionally enhance your immune system. Give it a try. Shop with me safely online at MyArbonne.

Things Not to Do Your First Week at a New Job

11 THINGS NOT TO DO YOUR FIRST WEEK IN THE NEW JOB

Check out my article which is posted on this great job blogsite: http://jobs002.blogspot.com/2006/11/11-things-not-to-do-first-week-on-your.html .

The hardest thing to do is break into groups that are already formed. If you haven't been to a kindergarten classroom lately, go take a look at you'll see this principle in action. A group of kids is playing together and New Child tries to "break in" or get included. There's a real art to it. Some kids have it and some don't. This is Emotional Intelligence at work, and of course you can learn HOW to do it. If someone will just tell you! It's very overt in the kindergarten classroom and it happens often and rapidly, so it's easy to observe. Breaking into a high school clique is harder to observe and more subtle. It's also far more brutal. And then there's the new job and/or new neighborhood or town. It just doesn't get any easier. While learning Emotional Intelligence and the ploys that tend to work doesn't always guarantee success, there are thing you can do that will essentially guarantee you will fail. Read this article for tips on what not to do the first few weeks on a new job.
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The frost is on the pumpkin! Are you taking a supplement to build up your immune system for the winter. Arbonne has a great one called DefenseBuilder Why don't you take a look at it? You can shop safely online with me at MyArbonne.

For EQ coaching, call 817-741-7223.

The UK - Singing Nursery Rhymes is not Emotional Intelligence

PARENTS FACE PROSECUTION IN BRITAIN FOR NOT SINGING NURSERY RHYMES ... A new program from Mrs. Hughes who gives details of Mr. Blair's "national parenting academy" and adds that it is necessary for children to develop "emotional intelligence and flexiblity, and to have good problem-solving and interpersonal skills too."

This is from the Optimist Patriot, a blog. "Scary stuff out of Britain," begins the blogger. He quotes from a site I could not access called The Corner.

This autumn is likely to see an extension of parenting orders that can force parents to attend parenting classes so that they can be used on the say so of local councils against parents.

For the first time, parenting orders are likely to be directed against parents whose children have committed no criminal offence.

The threat of action against parents who fail to sing nursery rhymes was unveiled by Mrs Hughes as she gave the first details of Mr Blair’s ‘national parenting academy’, a body that will train teachers, psychologists and social workers to intervene in the lives of families and become the ‘parenting workforce’.

Mrs Hughes said that it was necessary for children to develop ‘emotional intelligence and flexibility, and to have good problem-solving and interpersonal skills too.’

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Oh my! Let's don't confuse "singing nursery rhymes" with emotional intelligence. This, I fear, is typical media hyperbole. What a shame they did not quote the two sentences just above this one. Mrs. Beverley Hughes, Children's Minister, is further quoted in the Daily News as adding: 'These attitudes start with good family experiences, in the home, with strong, loving, aspirational parents. So supporting parents and providing good early years education can pay dividends here.'

Mrs Hughes said: 'It is now clear that what parents actually do has a huge impact on children's well-being and capacity to succeed, both at the time and in future.

'Some parents already know that reading and singing nursery rhymes with their young children will get them off to a flying start - often because this is how they themselves were brought up.

'For other parents without this inheritance these simple techniques are a mystery and are likely to remain so - unless we act and draw them to their attention.'

(from The Daily Mail reporting the incident, entitled "The Nursery Rhyme Police")

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Offending parents can now be sent to court-ordered parenting classes.

The brouhaha is about whether these things can be "ordered," and thus the willful emphasis on "singing nursery rhymes." This is, of course an EMOTIONAL ISSUE. One blog responder, for instance, wrote that stories about trolls under bridges, old women shoved in to ovens, and grandmothers eaten by wolves was ..." He wasn't thinking straight, as you can see, because these, of course, are NOT NURSERY RHYMES, they are FAIRY TALES. And that's exactly what high-running emotions do -- cloud our thinking.

Whatever the arguments here, there's nothing wrong with EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE. Clearly it is needed.

Hooray for Mr. Blair and Mrs. Hughes for supporting it. Are their methods the way to do it? Well, if we would each take care of our own shop, learn emotional intelligence, pass it on to the kids ...

Order my ebook "How to Develop Your Child's EQ" for practical tips. Nobody's ordering you to do it, here in the US of A, it's just an emotionally intelligent thing to do.

Regardless of politics, there's not a person in the world in their right mind who could argue there's something wrong with children developing ‘emotional intelligence and flexibility, and to have good problem-solving and interpersonal skills too.’

Is there?

How IS your EQ? Take THE EQ MAP and find out. Then get coaching to address any deficits.

P.S. According to the bbc which doesn't mention "emotional intelligence," but does mention the nursery rhymes, "The Department for Education and Skills stressed there would be no element of compulsion in the help and advice offered to parents and dismissed newspaper claims that some would be forced to attend nursery rhyme classes."

But in the bbc article this was added, which no doubt caused the controversy: "Speaking to the annual conference of the National Family and Parenting Institute, Mrs Hughes said research suggested class was still a more important factor than intellect in how children achieve."

Schools are Paying More Attention to Emotional Intelligence

E is for Emotional

I is for Intelligence

SCHOOLS ARE PAYING MORE ATTENTION TO EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

This is an excerpt from an article in the Hartford Courant. To read the whole article, go HERE.

"Beyond The Three R's More Schools Taking Note Of Emotional Intelligence"
November 12, 2006

BY KATHLEEN MEGAN, Courant Staff Writer

Kathy Neuhaus is reading a story to her third-graders at the University of Hartford Magnet School and tells them to tear off a piece of a paper heart every time something hurtful is said to the main character. In South Windsor, at the Philip R. Smith Elementary School, a small, dark-haired first-grade boy complains that he is being left out of a club. He and another boy are referred to a "peace circle" painted on the hardtop, where the principal coaches them as they talk about it.

In Hartford elementary schools, if a child is clearly having a difficult time - acting out or having some other social or emotional trouble - the child can ask for a "chill pass" to report to a special office where he or she can talk about feelings and discuss strategies to handle them.

Not too long ago, feelings were not a topic that was much discussed in the school ...

To help develop your child's emotional intelligence, order my ebook, "How To Develop Your Child's Emotional Intelligence."

Study Shows Employers Wants People with Emotional Intelligence

EMPLOYERS WANT PEOPLE WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
What's yours? Take THE EQ COURSE.

"Fortune 500 companies want to hire mothers these days, outlines Katherine Ellison in her book, “The Mommy Brain” because they know that mother’s have “emotional intelligence” that will help them succeed at the “people” skills needed in their jobs. Ellison suggests four subsets of skills that mothers can claim, which put them at a distinct advantage in the marketplace: multi-tasking under pressure, dependability, leadership and caregiving." For the rest of the article, go HERE.

Increasingly we will see employers actively seeking people with measured high emotional intelligence. Get the edge. Start improving yours now with our proven method. See THE EQ COURSE, or call for coaching: 817-741-7223 for individual coaching along with The EQ Course - the most effective way to improve your EQ.

Emotional Intelligence: Mihaly Csikzentmihalyi

FROM THE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE ALERT BULLETIN - What's new for your brain today??

We direct you to Swami Jai Sivananda's great blog. Read the whole article HERE.
The Swami says "Adapt, Adjust, Accommodate"

Remember ... the brain is input.

We need our emotional intelligence more than ever these days. I recently observed a job interview where many of the questions involved "fun." I wasn't sure what they were getting at. Fun to me is being challenged in a comfortable zone in a relaxed atmosphere where there's always something to do. Turns out this is what Csikszentmihalyi had in mind, and what the better managers are trying to do these days to stop the hemorrhage of departing employees. Average length of a job these days: 18-24 months. [To learn how to handle the 'new' job interview these days, order my ebook called "How to Ace the 'New' Job Interview." It isn't the same old interview, and you need to prepare and know what to expect. Believe me, the 'new' questions can leave you mystified. If you've found yourself wonder What on earth are they after here? order this ebook now. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc .]

And now, an excerpt from the Swami's blog. Listen to how much this relates to Emotional Intelligence. Remember that Emotoinal Intelligence makes your life work better, and makes you feel better, and ... the bottom line is always HEALTH.

There is a wise old saying that advises: `Play, that you may be serious.’ We can toy around with that to add, `Play, that you may be seriously healthy.’The internationally renowned psychiatrist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, who developed the famous `flow’ theory, on the fluid manner in which true genius achieved great heights, would agree.

He discovered some kids treated everything as play, even activity which adults would dismiss as hard work. Other kids would find everything tough, labeling every activity, including games, as `work’.

Following these kids into their adolescence he found, not surprisingly, that those who treated everything as play were socially more content and far more happier than those kids who continued to treat every activity as drudgery. Today over 2,50,000 surveys worldwide have been done to study the `flow’, confirming everything that Csikszentmihalyi intuited. Some of these surveys, focusing on the health benefits of `the flow’, threw up intriguing impact of play on our bodies.

Play reshaped the neurological map:

• It organized emotional circuits, a function otherwise performed by rapid eye movement (REM) during dream sleep.
• It impacted neuro-transmitters, our internal communication, facilitating the creation of those which energized and pacified the nervous system.
• It acted as a pill to the ills of panic, so we could grow. Panic, like all negative feelings, can stunt emotional intelligence, which is today an important criteria to judge a person’s true merit.

Other innovators have taken up the baton from Csikszentmihalyi. The New Games movement, originated by the international play expert Bernie DeKoven, argues the case for fun. The big bonus, says DeKoven, is health.

Muscle relaxation. When we have fun, particularly a bellyful of it, muscles progressively contract and relax. When we are laughing the abdominal muscles are alternately contracted and relaxed.

Play provides ample scope for `internal jogging’, by calling into play powerful muscles which are not directly under our control, like the heart muscles and the diaphragm (involved with respiration). Play can be likened to a sort of gentle aerobic exercise.

It lowers blood pressure. High blood pressure is, as everyone knows, a silent killer.

What may be defined as play? Csikszentmihalyi, who studied over 90 of the world’s most creative people (including scientist Jonas Salk), defined this as any activity where there was the perfect balance between challenge and ability.

If there is any tilt towards either of this, the result can be catastrophic.

If challenge is greater, than we are strung out and stressed. When the ability is greater, we begin to yawn and turn comatose.

This is why companies are increasingly trying to staunch the high attrition rate in jobs(particularly in BPOs) with the new-fangled `fun’ managers who ensure the employees walk the tight-rope between challenge and ability and retain the playful flow. That is why watching TV cannot be categorized as play, since it involves neither challenge nor ability.
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If you're an introvert you'll especially enjoy this definition of flow. You may have been in a stimulating discussion with someone who had you on the edge, enjoying yourself tremendously, and then hear the person say, "Well, that's enough. Let's get together some time and have some fun." When you were having quite a bit of fun right then and there! For more on introverts, check out Nancy Fenn's BLOG. She's the national expert on introverts. Visit her Introverts site. You'll be so glad you did. She's the Introverts' Coach.
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What are you doing for your immune system? Our emotions effect our immune system, and our immune system is our health. Order Arbonne's DefenseBuilder and stay ahead of the game. It's the emotionally intelligent thing to do.
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Click HERE to take The EQ Course(r). Get prepared for the holidays.

How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams

WHAT STEPS DO YOU TAKE TO ATTRACT THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS?
by Susan Dunn, MA, Relationship Coach

As Find Your Dream Man Expert for a major website, I get lots of questions, but I don’t think anyone’s ever asked me before what precise steps to take. I thought it was a great question, and here’s my answer:

1. Sign up with a Relationship Coach.

When you're really ready to get serious, make the commitment to work with a Relationship Coach. A good one can tell you, from listening to many other women in the same position, what works and what doesn't. They will also shape this general knowledge to fit you as a unique individual. This is worth every cent. As a Relationship Coach, that is what we do. Never was it more true, "Never give advice in a crowd."

That having been said, I'll give some general advice—to the crowd.

2. Make the list.

You know what I'm talking about. Particularly pay attention to "must have" and "can't stand." I have clients make 3 columns - what they want, what they don't want, and in the middle, "rule out." For instance if you demand that your dream man have "no kids." Well, this could really be something to take a look at. Some men have that situation well-managed and others don't. It is essential to review this list with your Relationship Coach, who can direct you concerning what is too rigid, what is too idealistic, what is superficial and will not get you what you want, etc.

3. Envision what you want - see it, feel it, smell it, give it life.

Imagine that he is already with you. Picture him putting groceries in your refrigerator, walking your dog, kissing you goodbye in the morning.

4. Scrupulously clean up your Self-Talk.

Likely you'll be thinking about this a lot, so it’s important that you think about it right and clean up your "self-talk." Remove all negatives in the thoughts that run through your mind (or that you actually verbalize), i.e., you do not dream of a man who isn't a drug addict or alcoholic, you dream of a man who is mentally and emotionally healthy. Dream of a man who has a good job and career history, don't think "I don't want another man who can't hold a job." Your subconscious does not hear the "not" or any other negative word or term. If you say, "I want a man who's substance-dependent free," even then it hears "substance-dependent." Work on this.

5. Take action. Do something. This gives you back your Personal Power (an EQ competency).

Granted an old flame from college may call you, but just the act of getting out to meet men will speed the process. Work with your Relationship Coach for ideas on where the kind of man you want might be found. Bars and dance halls aren't the best bet for "dream man" material. The women I have worked with in my Relationship Coaching practice have found their dream man in these places: SCUBA diving class; Sunday school; volunteering; introduced by his sister; at a singles' party at a friend's house where everyone single was invited to bring a single friend who was available; introduced by their children; bowling league; through eharmony or other Internet dating sites (I cover internet dating in my eBook, "Dating Survival Manual for Women."


I should add here that the woman who used to cut my hair met her husband at a bar one night. She brought him home, he stayed the night and never left. It does happen. It is statistically improbable. And I don’t know about you, but all those statistics always land right on my head. I’m not much on trying to beat the odds. No other woman I’ve talked to who has slept with a man on the first night has kept him. I don’t know a long-married couple that met in a bar. Was she just lucky she could break the rules like that and win?


Come to think of it, they’ve only been married 2 years. I ought to check and see how it’s going. After all, Dream Men are forever.

6. Work on you.


Dream Guys are looking for Dream Girls. Are you one? Or do you need a little polishing up?

7. Be happy.


It’s contagious and its attractive.


Are you miserable because you’re single? If you’re miserable single, guess what? You’re going to be miserable married. If you aren’t happy because you don’t have something, having that something isn’t going to make you happy. You can project your need in such a way that it will drive a man away, because he will think there’s no way he could ever fill up that empty hole. Assume a virtue if you have it not, and act your way into happiness. Actually happiness isn’t a permanent state; but some people make misery a permanent state. It has a nasty way of becoming habitual.

So those are a few of the steps.

But the single best thing you can do is make a commitment to get Relationship Coaching. Put your money where your mouth is, so to speak. Pay someone who has had a lot of experience and can shorten your learning curve and save you a lot of grief. After all, if you knew how to attract your Dream Man you would already have him, right?

You probably spend more money going to movies and eating out, and where has that gotten you???


For relationship coaching, call me at 817.741.7223 or
mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Markus Wolf Dies in Berlin: A Man who Knew Emotional Intelligence

"Making use of human weaknesses in intelligence work is a logical matter. It keeps coming up, and of course you try to look at all the aspects that interest you in a human being." -- Markus (Marcus) Wolf

Markus Johannes "Mischa" Wolf who epitomized East German spying during the Cold war, died today in his home in Berlin.

He was head of the General Reconaissance Administration, the foreign intelligence division, of East Germany's Ministry for State Security (Stasi). According to Wikipedia, he was the Stasi's number two for 34 years, most of the Cold War. He ran a network of 4,000 spies and claimed responsiblity for the downfall of Chancellor Brandt.

We have here the sword and the shield of Emotional Intelligence. In the EQ Refresher course lesson this week, we're taking a look at Othello ... another case where someone's knowledge of human nature and human weakness was used to bring someone down. Othello refused to give the promotion to Iago, and the enraged Iago knew exactly how to do Othello in. He did so in a cold, logical calculating way, without ever laying a hand on him. (There isn't much about "human nature" Shakespeare didn't know.)

According to the BBC, Wolf was the model for John LeCarre's character "Karla". In his memoirs, Memoirs of a Spymaster, he claims to have "perfected the use of sex in spying." He was described as tall and incredibly handsome. See his photo here.

Use Emotional Intellience proactively, or to protect yourself. Take the EQ Course. Get EQ coaching - mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc .

How to Ace the 'New" Job Interview

WHO'S INTERVIEWING YOU TODAY? IS IT LARRY, CURLY OR MOE??

IT TAKES more than intelligence, credentials and experience to get the job these days. It takes EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE (EQ) TO ACE THE 'NEW' INTERVIEW. (and we're here to help)

Talked to anyone lately who's had a job interview? Maybe it was you. The average employee in the US today changes jobs every 18-24 months, so there's a lot of job interviewing going on, yet you go for your interview, like my client Anne did, and the interview is "suspicious" that you've been "job hopping" -- like you wanted to, couldn't hold a job, or it was unusual.

Anne's had a lot of jobs, yes. First she got laid off. Then she got downsized. Safe at last, she thought, and then her manager died after a year, there was a consolidation and she was out on the streets again. Six months into her next job, her husband's company folded and they had to move with he got a job in another state.

Does this sound familiar? It's happening a lot and it isn't your fault!!

Most clients tell me the questions are getting "strange" and they're hearing "hidden agenda."

That's why I've written "Acing the 'New' Interview," with insider information.

No, it's not the same old interview. There are a lot of questions aimed at emotional intelligence, flight risk, litigiousness, and mental stability.

Interviewers are being glibly "trained" to interview for mental stability and "people skills," and "ability to get along" in a 4-hour seminar, and so they sit down with their list, which they barely understand, and proceed to ask a bunch of canned questions in language that is frankly peculiar.

You may face a cute 30 year old with pink hair who can't even pronounce the words she's reading from a list and whose jargon is so thick and heavy, it's like a foreign language.

In this ebook, which is gleaned from client interviews, and interviews with actual hirers (including one who was drunk, at a cocktail party, and very uninhibited about sharing his "killer" questions and the rationale behind them), we:

• Demystify the process
• Explain precisely what it is they fear
• What they're looking for - what they hope you DO, and what they hope you DON'T do
• How they get around the questions that are illegal to ask, because they're going to ask them (and what you should do)
• Under what circumstances you should refuse to answer, and how
• How to handle it if you've had to file bankruptcy
• What their notion of a "healthy person" is and how to appear that way, in other words how top recognize the questions, what's behind them, and how to answer them, precisely.
• Examples of some of the worst questions we've heard
• How to stay in the safe zone when need be, and how to know when to go there
• How to answer impossible questions like "team player but works well alone"
• How to specifically answer landmines like, "describe a colleague you didn't get along with and what you did about it" (yikes!)
• What to wear to an interview when the company is 24/7 "casual"
• What to do when you get one of those "Are you still beating your wife?" questions
• How to figure out when you land in a new culture - many of us move to a new state, halfway across the country, or even a new country, and have to rush right off to an interview
• Dealing with multi-cultural -- how do you deal with theirs, how do you deal with yours
• How to say it without saying it
• What to do with the innuendos
• How not to take the bait and it will be thrown to you, you can count on that -- in other words, what used to be called "trick questions," but that's a mild term compared to what's going on today
• How to 'save' an interviewer who is clearly in over her or his head
• The things you must never say
• The thing you must always say
• 3 people there? 6? Who do you play to?
• How to tell them they aren't making any sense without offending them
• What an employee lawyer would want you to know
• And more!

No holds barred! We want you to get the job. Step-by-step intructions on how to survive and thrive. We want to lead you through what has become a maze of jargon, traps, and confusing questions thrown at you by disorganized and incompetent interviewers.

Order HERE. It's $49.99 and packed with information. It' hot off the press with all the latest.

When you read this book you'll laugh, you'll cry, but we want you to ace the interview and get the job.

Do it now. Chances are you'll need it before 2 years is up.

Emotional Intelligence Coaching

IS HE GOING TO BE AT YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER?

NOW is the time to get coaching.

Whether that look is aimed at you, or someone you love, or you just have to be an innocent bystander ... it could ruin the pumpkin pie.

DON'T WAIT. Email me now - sdunn@susandunn.cc .

If you have a knot in your stomach just accepting the invitation, or if it isn't an "invitation," but a "demand," with a big guilt trip laying in wait ... take action now.

Coaching deals with just such problems and issues, helping healthy people stay healthy and chalk up successes.

RESOURCES:

• Coaching (one-time consultations are fine and often all that's needed)
• Proactive learning -- take THE EQ COURSE. You'll be ahead of the game for the rest of your life.
• Get serious. The EQ Course plus coaching, for a 3-month committment. 10% from now until Christmas. Why? Because you need it.
• The DIFFICULT PEOPLE COURSE. Tailor made for those family get-togethers, because there is nothing more "difficult" than someone in your own family. The feelings are intense ... the habits are ingrained ... others play the game along with the perpetrator ... they even set him/her up!
• Learn how to manage the 3 choices you always have. Which one is appropriate. How to use it and when.

Let's face it. It's hard to be grateful when you're greeted with a smirk and, "There you are, ha ha, dressed like a teenager again, ha ha. On, no, really, I love it. You look darling. [sote voce] for a heroine in a Faulkner novel, ha ha. What? Of course I don't mean it..."

I coach couples ... husbands and wives, lovers, mothers and daughters, and occasionally a beleagured son, like the young man in the photo above.

Work some coaching into your holiday schedule and budget. Look at it as the best investment you can make for the New Year.

You don't want to be faced with the same situation next holiday season do you?

It's important for YOU, and also because there are children watching, and we learn our EQ (or not) from our parents and other significant adults. (See my ebook, How to Develop Your Child's EQ: Specific Tips and other resource ebooks.

Soon you'll be saying, like my other clients, "This is the missing piece."

Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc. Call 817-741-7223.

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Shop with me safely online at http://susandunn.myarbonne.com . There are some great seasonal specials and they make super gifts for someone you really care about.

Emotional Intelligence in the Workplace

THINK EQ doesn't belong in the workplace? Think again! (In fact the military was an early-adopter of emotional intelligence training.)
Take the EQ Course and learn more.

Check out this video of the USS Montana



BTW, one of the tags is EGO.

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The Importance of Sending Flowers

WE LOVE EQ BECAUSE IT'S ALL ABOUT COMMON SENSE...EXCEPT THAT IT'S ANYTHING BUT COMMON.

It demystifies things we sense are true, bu might feel funny "believing." Most people call it "the missing piece."

For instance, when we love someone, we send them flowers. Even little boys know to pick flowers for their mommies. When we receive flowers we feel very, very special. If you work in an office you know what it's like when a woman receives flowers.

For instance, take a look at the results of these studies conducted by the Society of American Florists (SAF) in conjunction with researchers from various universities in the U.S

* SAF's Emotional Impact of Flowers Study:

This study scientifically proved that flowers make people happy immediately upon receiving them. Furthermore, that happiness lasts for a long time, and these happy people make more connections with other people, thus spreading their happiness.

* SAF's Flowers & Seniors Study:

Senior citizens who receive flowers experience less depression than those who don't. They
also score higher on memory tests and make the effort to seek out conversations with other people.

* SAF's Impact of Flowers & Plants on Workplace Productivity Study:

When flowers and plants are present in the workplace, people are better able to perform their job duties. They're more productive and come up with more creative solutions to problems.
Obviously, when you're able to perform well on the job, you'll experience less workplace stress.
__________________________________________________
Take THE EQ COURSE and see all the things you have inklings about. This program works.

The Dating Coach

HEY PUNKIN'
Tired of getting beat up out there.

Finding your mate is the most important decision in life, and we can help you.

We specialize in DATING COACHING.

We have helped hundreds of people. We've designed a program that works.

There are certain rules you must follow, and certain things you must not do. If you're looking to marry the love of your life, don't wait another moment. Call us for coaching and get it right this time.

Fighting the right partner for you and getting them to marry you IS NOT AN ACCIDENT. We can show you how, coaching you every step of the way.

Let us help you find your own sweet punkin'.

Call 817-741-7223 or mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc.

The Importance of Apologizing & How To Do It

THE IMPORTANCE OF APOLOGIZING
And -- more importantly -- HOW to do it

Do you know the two little words that can go a long way to saving your marriage and keeping it healthy and happy for years to come? Those words are: "I'm sorry."

I can't tell you how many couples I have seen that have a problem with apologizing. People often get so caught up in their own way of seeing things that they can't even muster an apology for simple offenses like leaving the cap off the toothpaste or forgetting to take out the garbage.

Unfortunately it seems that apologizing only becomes that much more difficult as problems get more sophisticated. A forgotten birthday or anniversary, hurtful words said in the heat of an argument, or a late night out with friends when you promised to be home for your family are all events that deserve a full and authentic apology. However, a lot of people react with defensiveness and anger instead of apologizing for situations like these.

I think that part of the reason people have such a hard time apologizing is because they equate the words "I'm sorry" with "I'm a rotten person" or"You're better than I am." But that isn't what the words "I'm sorry" mean at all. When you say "I'm sorry," what you are doing is taking responsibility for something you did that hurt your spouse. You're showing that you realize what you did was hurtful, and communicating to your spouse that you care about him or her enough to amend your actions so as not to cause the same problem again. You are not submitting to the idea that you are "less than. . .".

People make mistakes. We all do. Sometimes the need for an apology is the result of a mistake. Sometimes we even make mistakes that hurt the people around us. Other behaviors that need an apology might be the result of poor judgment. This is a situation where you intentionally (not by mistake) did something wrong because you made a bad choice. Examples includeextra-marital affections, staying out too late with your friends, coming home drunk, and driving yourself, your spouse, or your children when you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Often, these poor judgment calls like these hurt the people around us. When you do something that needs an apology, it doesn't necessarily mean you are a wretched person. Doing something wrong doesn't make you a wrong person. It only means you took some action that you have to make amends for.You did something wrong, and now you need to deal with it.

In addition to this it could mean that there are areas of your personality or character that you need to work on. Egregious mistakes (like having an affair) or mistakes that you make over an over again (like consistently forgetting important events) mean you need to take some additional steps to rectify the parts of your character that created the possibility for these mistakes in the first place. Even in these cases, it doesn't mean you are an "evil" person. Rather, it means there are some areas you will likely need to make real changes in if you are going to live the kind of life you most want to live, and create a wonderful relationship with your spouse. Whatever the case, when you hurt your spouse, the very first thing you need to do is admit that you did something wrong and apologize for it.

Different situations require different kinds of apologies. Obviously, having an affair deserves a different kind of apology than leaving the cap off the toothpaste. As such, I can't cover in this article all of the details of how to apologize for every offense. Nonetheless, I would like to offer you a few suggestions on how to apologize for relatively minor offenses so you can start using apologies in your marriage today to show your spouse you care and stay out of some unnecessary arguments. For a fuller treatment of what kind of apology is needed when you have had an affair (or engaged in other extremely hurtful behavior) I refer you to my book Surviving an Affair. In the meantime, here are tips that will help you start apologizing for some mistakes that most couples face.

Tip #1: Admit What You Did Was Wrong

When you do something wrong in your marriage and you know it, it's better to admit it, apologize, and move on. If you deny you did something wrong, act like you were justified in your actions, or otherwise defer responsibility forwhat you did, you are only setting yourself up for more trouble in the long run. Just make a simple admission of the being wrong. Don't defer responsibility, and don't defend your actions. Openly and maturely admit what you did was wrong. For example, let's say Joe forgot that his wife, Sally, said she was going to have dinner ready for him when he got home from work. As a result he decided to go out for a drink with some colleagues from work instead of going home for dinner. In this kind of situation Joe would want to avoid saying something like:You know, you didn't tell me you were going to cook me dinner. And even if you did, how can you expect me to remember anything you tell me when I'm on my way out the door? What's so special about dinner, anyway? It's just food. You're being too picky. Just leave me alone about it, already. It would be much more meaningful if he said something like: You're right. You asked me to be home for dinner and I totally forgot. I'm really sorry about that. I should have called home before I chose to go out for a drink anyway. That way you could have reminded me that we had dinner plans. I'm sorry I ruined your plans, and I'm sorry I hurt you .And, if Joe truly does not remember Sally telling him in the morning, he would just omit the first sentence. As you can see, the first response is filled with defensive justification It minimizes the importance of what Joe did and minimizes Sally's feelings.

Another variation would be for Joe to somehow make it Sally's fault that he forgot their dinner plans. On the other hand, the second response is a full admission that Jo edid something wrong. In it he admits what he did was wrong, he says he's sorry, and he expresses regret for hurting his spouse's feelings. When you admit that you have done something wrong, you are communicating important information to your spouse. You are telling your spouse that you care enough about his or her feelings to accept that what you did was hurtful, and you are telling him or her that you intend to be more conscious about these kinds of actions in the future.

In short, you show that you care about your spouse's feelings. That's an important component of a good marriage.

Tip #2: Drop the Defensiveness

Apologies are as good as dead if they are stated in a defensive manner. When you adopt a defensive tone of voice, use physical mannerisms that are defensive, or if the words you use are meant to defend your case rather than admit your mistake, you aren't making a real apology. In fact, using the words "I'm sorry" with a defensive tone of voice is worse than not apologizing at all. It turns the entire apology into an invitation for resentment and hurt feelings.

Consider the following example: What do you want from me? You want an apology? Fine, I'm sorry! Is that good enough for you? What kind of response would you expect from this kind of apology? It's pretty obvious that all it would do is create more hostility and frustration for everyone involved. A better apology would sound something more like this: I'm sorry for what I did. It was wrong, and I know that I hurt you. I never want to hurt you, and I truly feel bad for what I did. I know howI got myself into that situation and I will do my best to keep that from happening again. As you can see, eliminating the defensive tone goes a long way toward making the apology more sincere. It reduces the possibility for additional hurt feelings, and opens a gateway for you to move past this issue toward a happier future.

In most situations, an authentic and complete apology will also diffuse the other person's anger.

Tip #3: Don't Be Demeaning

When you are apologizing to your spouse you should avoid demeaning his or her feelings. It may be that you won't completely understand why your spouse is hurt; however, it isn't for you to decide whether or not your spouse's emotional response to your words or actions are justified. You don't get to determine whether or not your spouse "deserves" to be as hurt as he or she is. The hurt feelings exist. You helped create them. Now you have to deal with them.

Let's look at an example. Imagine for a moment that Carl and Allison are working on repairing some problems in their marriage. Part of the problem they are facing is that Carl has a hard time communicating his feelings to Allison. He's been doing a lot of work on his communication skills, but Allison still doesn't feel she understands Carl very well. At one point Allison says, "Carl, you just can't communicate at all! I mean, I don't understand what you're talking about here." Carl's feelings are really hurt by this statement. He's been working hard to learn how to communicate better, and this statement from Allison totally blows him out of the water. As a result he says, "Wow Allison. That really hurts. I mean, I've been working on these communication skills, and when you tell me that, it makes me feel like I'm just making no progress at all."

Given this scenario, let's imagine two different "apologies" from Allison and determine which one is going to be more meaningful. First let's look at a demeaning apology. Let's imagine that Allisonsays something like:Good grief! You're completely overreacting. I mean, I can't believe you'd get upset over something like that. I'm sorry. I should never have said anything I guess. You don't know anything about feelings!

Now, I don't consider this an apology. Though the words"I'm sorry" are contained in the statement, the feeling is demeaning. It fails to take into account Carl's feelings. And perhaps worst of all, it's likely to simply shut down Carl's attempts at communication. On the other hand, Allison could say something like: Gee Carl, I'm really sorry my words hurt you. I don't completely understand why my words hurt you, but I believe you when you tell me they did. Please tell me more so I understand what I did so I won't do it again. This apology is completely different. It communicates Allison's inability to understand exactly why Carl is hurt, but it still takes his feelings into account. It isn't demeaning. On the contrary, it opens up the possibility for further communication about the issue at hand. Apologizing when you've done something wrong is one of the keys to a long-term marriage. Just saying the words "I'm sorry" when you've done something to hurt your spouse is a step in the right direction, but it's usually not enough.

The tips in this article should help you take the apology a step further, and help you on your road to a relationship that is better than ever. Let me know how it goes with you. I'd love to hear about your marriage. Post a comment to this blog by clicking this link: http://savingyourrelationship.com/blog/the-importance-of-apologizing
As always I wish you all the best on your road to a wonderful marriage. Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.

Manage Your Immune System for Better Health with EQ

IMMUNE SYSTEM MANAGEMENT

Your immune system is your health, and it is greatly influenced by the state of your emotional intelligence.

Watch this video from HealthWatch on stress management.

Then sign up for The EQ Course(tm) and get started today on a healthier lifestyle.

Take the Jack-O-Lantern Face Quiz

discover your jack-o-lantern face @ quiz me200,000+ people have taken the quiz so farand about half have gotten Insanemwa-ha-ha

The Top 101 Most Influential People Who Never Lived

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS?

In The 101 Most Influential People Who Never Lived: How Characters of Fiction, Myth, Legends, Television, and Movies Have Shaped Our Society, Changed Our Behavior, and Set the Course of History , by Dan Karlan (55, computer program/tech writer), Allan Lazar (75 y.o. retired physician), and Jeremy Salter, the authors take their stand.

Would you agree with, for instance, Siegfried at #7, or GI Joe at #51?

Garnered from various other websites, I have discivered:

8-Sherlock Holmes
18-Mickey Mouse
26-Cinderella
55-The Ugly Duckling
57-Atticus Finch
58-Saint Valentine
67-Kermit the Drog
and
85-Luke Skywalker

And the top 5? An interesting selection. What do you think?

5-Hamlet
4-Santa Claus
3-King Arthur
2-Big Brother
1-The Marlboro Man - whom they call "the most famous killer of the last 200 years"

P.S. Santa Claus does exist. :-)

Click HERE to purchase book. Go here (http://www.101influential.com/) to comment.

The book intrigued me as an EQ coach. These characters never existed, yet influence us greatly. What does that remind you of??

For coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc, or call 817.741.7223.

Go HERE to take The EQ Course.

Halloween Safety Tips

HALLOWEEN SAFETY TIPS
Parents, Use Your EQ!


Halloween is an exciting night for children and a busy time for their parents. With such excitement, it’s easy for children to forget basic safety rules.

When emotions are running high, it’s a good time to remember to “use your head.” Plan ahead and plan to have a safe Halloween. Raise safety awareness with your family before the festivities begin. We do the right thing, but we don’t always explain it to children. As you place a saucer under each tea light, or “stop, look and listen” at street corners and in parking lots, tell your child why. They don’t always connect the dots unless you point it out.

Here are some Halloween Safety Tips to keep in mind:

1. Stay sober and alert.

It’s amazing how many family Halloween celebrations involve adults drinking. It’s impossible to monitor children’s safety or your own when you’ve had too much to drink, so don’t.

2. Avoid cuts and burns when decorating.

Carving the pumpkin, placing luminaria in the driveway, and hanging spooky skeletons all present opportunities for injury. If you’re decorating with candles, observe fires safety. Have a good fire extinguisher handy and make sure everyone knows where it is.

3. Observe ladder safety regulations.

According to the NASD, accidents involving ladders cause an estimated 300 death a year in the US, and 130,000 injuries requiring medical attention. Go here to read about how to use a ladder properly.

4. Make sure “treats” aren’t “tricks.”

Many people these days choose to go to fairs or private parties instead of trick or treating for safety reasons. If your child is going trick or treating, go with them. Make it a rule that nothing is to be eaten until it’s first been inspected by you.

5. Caution your child about strangers and dogs.

Keep your children with you and remind them to avoid people and dogs they don’t know. Many people are taking their dog companions out in costume these days, and even the most gentle of family pets can do something unexpected with all the excitement.

6. Accidental falls is the number one cause of injuries on Halloween night (National Safety Council).

Choose your child’s costume with this in mind. Hem up the hemlines. If you choose a mask, choose one that doesn’t obstruct sight. Stay sober and observe safety rules when decorating.

7. Four times more children are killed in pedestrian/automobile accidents on Halloween night than on any other night of the year.

The CDC suggests these factors make it a high risk: short stature, inability to react quickly enough to avoid a car or evaluate a potential traffic threat, lack of impulse control, and all the exciting distractions.

8. The holiday syndrome.

The excitement, more candy, more parties, less sleep, less nutritious food, and getting off schedule all mean less attentiveness and also possibly illness. Keep routines as normal as you can. All of the above, plus Granny in town for a visit with sodium nitrate in her purse and you have the recipe for tragedy. Heads up!

9. Choose safe and sensible costumes.

Choose fire retardant costumes that allow children free movement and good visibility. Be careful about accessories. Even toy knives and swords can cause harm. Give each child a flashlight.

10. Set a good example.

Show that you care about safety and make it a top priority.
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Susan has a new phone number, 817.741.7223. Call her for a FREE introductory coaching session. Visit her online ebook library for inspiratoin: www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html.

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Is your job no longer a treat? The trick is to get coaching from Susan. The happiness you save may be your own. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc to schedule a time to talk.

DO IT NOW, while it's on your mind.