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Where we're appearing this week! Nancy Fenn, TheIntrovertzCoach

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Can Money Buy Happiness?

CAN MONEY BUY HAPPINESS?

In studying resilience and the sweet uses of adversity, and listening to coaching clients, I discover the same things over and over again. After a given point in time, the person acknowledges that a lot of good things have come from their adversities.

Mind you it isnt a guarantee that youll reach this resolution, but many people do end up being not only what they call better people, but also happier by their self-report and by my observations.

There's an interesting study done by Ronnie Janoff-Bulman, PhD, a psychologist at the University of Massachusetts. He compares the well-being of lottery winners versus people who had become suddenly paralyzed.

The results of the study were that after the initial high was over for the lottery winners, they were no happier than the accident victims.

Read the rest of the article HERE.

______________________Low energy?

DEPRESSION ALERT

We are approaching "the most depressing day of the year." January 20th. It's the culmination of a number of things, including grey skies, bad weather, no vacation in site, budget problems, holiday aftermath ...

Be prepared. Take THE EQ COURSE. Call 817-734-1471 for coaching.

_________________

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Kidd Files for Divorce Claiming Cruelty - Anger Management is NOT ENOUGH

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE LACKING IN A SPOUSE - everyone's worse nightmare. Jason Kidd and Joumana.

When you read about the problems of Joumana and Jason Kidd, doesn't it give you the same feeling as "Fatal Attraction". It's the thing we fear the most, a spouse who is out-of-control.

In the papers filed in state Superior Court in Bergen County, Jason Kidd accuses Joumana Kidd of "physically and mentally abusing him, threatening to make false domestic violence complaints against him to police, and of interfering with his relationship with his children."

"The defendant's extreme and unwarranted jealousy and rage has left the plaintiff concerned about her emotional stability," the papers say. Read the rest of the article HERE.

It's sickening. Imagine what it's like for their children. Jason was ordered to take anger management after Joumana reported him once for abuse (and if you read what's written, it's possible she was setting hi up).

Anger management is not enough. It isn't just about anger, it's about emotional intelligence.

My "Anger Management through Emotional Intelligence" is a real landmark in a sea of "product" with debatable value that's also hard to assess. Are the same people offering "anger management" that offer "notary training" in California, and "defensive driving" all over the US - because it's court-ordered and easy money? And because judges are judges and are quick to say, as one did recently, "I'm a judge. I don't know physics." SOmehow this "anger management" got started. Does the teacher have credentials in psychology and coaching, and years of experience with actual people?

Anger is not, frankly, what it's about, as you can see. My program was constructed from years of work with people in the trenches. It is clinically based, and I have a degree in clinical psychology.

It's common for a person who feels (without being mindful of it) out-of-control, to marry someone who appears to be quite IN control. (Opposites attract). Someone like Jason Kidd, for instance, who says it's not going to affect his game, that's his job. Because there's no response from the "in control" one, the "out of control" one amps it up. The other one shuts down further. The game is on, and it's a very ugly one. And there is no winner, as we see here. It is a tragedy.

Violence and abuse occur because of a lack of emotional intelligence. The anger can be "hot" or it can be "cold"; it can be from depression, fear, and for heaven's sake, people also go bonkers when excited. If 90% of the people who win the lottery are bankrupt 5 years later, even beyond the winnings' interest, what does that tell you?

Our hearts are saddened when we read something like the Kidds' problems. And for all the superstars whose troubled relationships make the headlines, there are hundreds of thousands of "just folks" in the same sitaution, and emotionally unintelligent nightmare. The divorce rate is over 50%. It is higher for 2nd marriages and higher STILL for third marriages. "Hope springs eternal," but without emotional intelligence intervention, it is sterile hope, as the statistics confirm.

EQ makes or breaks your life. I'm thinking of a former client of mine, who was 49 at the time his second wife, 24 years old, pulled up to the parking lot at his work, screamed, threw things at him, and kicked him in front of his colleagues and employees. He owns the company and employs over 200 people, makes well into 7 figures, has a Ph.D. in engineering, has top security clearance from the US of A, and has made some of the - frankly - stupidest decisions in his private life that you can imagine. His first wife used to physically abuse him. He was 6'4" tall and weighed 250 lbs. and she was 5'1" tall and weighed 105 lbs.

EQ. It makes or breaks your life and, sadly, the lives of many children are involved, as with the Kidds' children. My heart goes out to all concerned. If the judge is going to grant joint custody, which was requested, I would like to see him order both of them to take not "anger management," but an emotional intelligence course.

Vendetta! Sangue! say Verdi's arias. And "vengeance is a dish best served cold" says Shakespeare. It goes on and on, and is really terrifying, and "anger" is the least of it.

Do we say I'M SORRY too much?

I'll apologize when ...

BBC ARTICLE ON SAYING YOU'RE SORRY HEADLINING EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Making the rounds, an article on BBC called SORRY TO SAY.

It's getting blogged a lot, so thought I would join in.

It's talking about the custom of saying "I'm sorry" in the UK, which the article thinks is over-used.

Unfortunately they quote one Mark Tyrrell, who they describe as "a psychotherapist at Uncommon Knowledge, a group that promotes personal development and emotional intelligence" but the paragraph runs together, in Brit fashion, so reads like this ... "For Mark Tyrrell, a psychotherapist at Uncommon Knowledge, a group that promotes personal development and emotional intelligence, a lingering culture of deference is to blame.

No, emotional intelligence is not "a lingering culture of deference". That's not an appositive! But if the whole sentence isn't quoted, that's what you read and that's unfortunate.

Tyrrell believes, to quote the article: "Saying sorry so much is a deep-rooted British characteristic. The class system is largely to blame, as 'sorry' comes out of politeness, which is there for social cohesion. ..The new middle classes had to apologise for no longer being working class, but also for not really being upper class either. The vast majority of Brits belong to the middle classes so saying sorry has become endemic."

Tyrrell believes we also play games with the s-word, sometimes using it to our advantage.

Sure we do. Kids learn it real quick. I was with a little guy the other day who bopped his sister right in front of me and then turned, saw me, and said, "I'm sorry I'm sorry" as if that made it all OK. Clever little guy!

Sadly ther are grown CEOs, for instance, who think they can berate and castigate someone in public, then say "I'm sorry" and have it all go away. It doesn't work that way. It doesn't work that way with an affair either. Or telling someone you think they're fat or ugly. Some things "I'm sorry" doesn't quite cover.

Now I'm an EQ coach and also coach etiquette and I'm all for those social-greasers: thank you, pardon me, excuse me, I'm sorry, and you're welcome.

One of my pet peeves, however, is watching a parent force a child to give a meaningless, "I'm sorry." Until a child has developed empathy, they have no "I'm sorry" in them, except for the punishment they may be about to receive, and so it is a distortion of their feelings to force them to say, "I'm sorry." They also cut to the chase and learn -- if their parents aren't too EQ-smart -- that they can apologize, then do it again, and it's the apology that counts, not the act. Oops!

Most kids hate to do it and I don't blame them. A parent would be better off ... well, read my ebook, "How to Teach Your Child EQ".

Also, it happens to be one of the emotional intelligence components to be "relentlessly and adamantaly self-forgiving." This isn't the same as being SORRY, that's kind of dwelling on it and on the down side, yes, acting victimy, whiny, etc.

Main thing here - if you develop your EQ you will have far far fewer occasions where the phrase "I'm sorry" must be used (or misused). Myself, I use it almost exclusively when someone tells me of a personal tragedy or misfortune. It is a simple and elegant thing to say, and it is how I feel. When someone tells me, "I lost all my money in the stock market," or "my wife died of cancer," I don't try and make it good, or a lesson, or a character-building thing, or something they should have know better than ... I simply stop and say, "I'm so sorry to hear that" or "I'm sorry that happened to you."

But most of the things where we say "I'm sorry" in the other sense are when we fail to manage our own emotions. We must apologize, and we DO feel sorry, when we yell at someone, insult them, criticize them harshly, and generally act like an idiot ourselves.

The more you develop your EQ, the less you will be acting like an idiot!

Anger is one of the biggest culprits. It is a good way of knowing what you want, and not a good way for getting it. If you manage your anger - take the message that you really want something you aren't getting, or didn't get - then you can control your behavior and shape it in a way that maximized your chance of getting what you want.

Since I'm also a dating coach I see this all the time. The relationship heats up, the man disappears and goes into the cave, and the woman hunts him down and them chews him out. Why? Because she wants him so much and wants him to come back. It drives him further away, and she then will hunt him down to APOLOGIZE.

This step could be skipped! In oh so many ways. Men with high EQ don't get so scared they have to disappear when emotions heat up. And women with high EQ can at least understand if and when they do, when they need that masculine "space," and cut them some slack. But if the confrontation occurs, the man might then be able to realize his part in it ...

I love dating-coaching. It's so great to get couples together and I have a VERY HIGH SUCCESS RATE. I am also Attract Your Dream Mate for a major website. I hear that particular scenario a lot, and it's so great to lead people to what they want!

Well, back to the article. According to the bbc here's where apologies in the UK go:

WHO DO WE SAY SORRY TO?
37% of our use is aimed at partners
19% to strangers
14% to our children
14% to work colleagues
8% to friends
5% to parents
3% to siblings
1% to the boss

Speaking of which, my next ebook is going to be able adult children who are hellbent on getting their senior parents to "apologize" for something they did or didn't do, and feel they cannot get on with their lives until this "apology" is forthcoming.

It's a great source of pain between generations, and there's a better way. Stay tuned!

And why do they say "I'm sorry" so infrequently to their bosses? That's an interesting question.

One last thing about "I'm sorry." I agree with John Wayne. Don't hurt someone unless you mean to. Being "unmindful", "unconscious," and "unaware" is the real culprit. Emotional intelligence starts with SELF-AWARENESS and leads to Intentionality. Want to learn more?

Ask for my Emotional Intelligence Quick-Study - a book of exercise for busy professionals to learn EQ. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc to order it.

Should I Write a Thank You Note?

SHOULD YOU WRITE A THANK YOU NOTE?
See the full article HERE. ALso includes sample 'thank you' notes.

From the happynewsnetwork blog:

Good morning! Just a quick note about this one: the reason I think this is a happy news story is that it is about bloody time somebody began to talk about the much-needed comeback of manners...the way that people act these days is disgusting! We, as a society, need to remember our manners, act more politely, and set a better example for the young ones around us. We bitch and complain about today's youth having no class/manners, but can we blame them? They learn from us - and we aren't always stellar examples!Okay - soap box put away, rant over....

I will continue.....

Thank you notes make a comeback -- as e-thanks By Belinda GoldsmithThank you notes, once feared a dying form of correspondence, are making a comeback via e-mail and text messaging but etiquette experts are still struggling to endorse anything but a handwritten note.

Peter Post, a director of the Emily Post Institute that offers etiquette and manners advice, said increasing numbers of people had stopped writing thank you notes and were telephoning instead to thank for a holiday gift or party.

But the proliferation of e-mails and text messaging on cell phones has prompted people to start writing again to thank people, with new technology creating a new form of etiquette."

E-mail has become an alternative way to send a thank you and you can see how text messaging could be considered another avenue," said Post, author of three etiquette books."Is it appropriate? If you are not going to thank them otherwise then it is better than nothing but I still don't think it is good as sending a note."

Some communication experts say teenagers and young adults who rarely took the time to pen a thank-you note to disappointed grandparents for their holiday gifts are now taking the time to say thank-you by e-mail and text message."

As more people get cell phones, we are seeing a rise in the number of thanks sent by text," said Delly Tamer, chief executive of online wireless retailer LetsTalk.com, which researches phone use."The younger generation who may not write a note do feel comfortable saying thanks by text or e-mail."

NO NOTE, NO PRESENT
Some traditionalists, however, still frown upon the use of new technology to thank someone for a holiday gift, with not all older friends or relatives having e-mail or cell phones."

A younger person would never think twice about this or think there is a better way but to text message a thank you really is completely unacceptable," said Gloria Starr, who runs etiquette seminars for U.S. company Global Success Strategies."

One good back-up strategy would be a quick e-mail with a hand-written note to follow."Starr said she feared hand-written thank you notes were disappearing, citing the example of a 17-year-old niece to whom she send a laptop last year as she started college. Having received no thanks or acknowledgment she telephoned her niece to check she had received the present and found she had. Starr proceeded to tell her niece how inconsiderate it was not to thank her and she would not send any more gifts. Days later a two page thank you letter arrived.

"She just had not thought of writing," said Starr.

Life coach and writer Susan Dunn said the expectations of a thank you letter tended to be age related." One of my 60-year-old readers said that if she does not receive a written thank you note, she does not give the person a gift again," said Dunn. "However I received the same comment from a 40-year-old. What age is the break-point? It appears to be around 35."

Advice columnist Melissa Kirsch, whose book "The Girl's Guide to Everything" is being released in February, said people were wrong if they thought paper and pen were obsolete with writing a thank you note on practice that was timeless."E-mail is disposable," she writes. "Handwritten notes take time and effort, and they literally send a message -- they say the recipient is valuable, cherished, appreciated."
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Here's something else I do. My son and daughter-in-law gave me a really beautiful sweater for Christmas. In addition to penning a thank you note, the next time I saw them (invited to their house for dinner), I wore the sweater.

If you're around the person who gave you the gift, let them see you using it and enjoying it. Have the book out on the coffee table, use the blender to make their drink when they come it, when they see you and say how relaxed you look, tell them it was because of the cruise or the massage gift card they gave you.

It makes everyone feel good. (You'll also get more gifts, silly!)

Call 817.734.1471 for coaching.

Robert Solomon - True to Our Feelings: What Our Emotions are Really Telling Us

IN MEMORIAM: ROBERT SOLOMON
Solomon was the author of more than 40 books, a gifted teacher and an expert in existentialism and emotions. He was born in 1942. He was Quincy Lee Centennial Professor of Business and Philosophy and a Distinguished Teaching Professor at UT Austin. He had a bachelor's degree in molecular biology and a master's and doctoral degree in philosophy and psychology.
"Six billion people in the world and counting ... nevertheless what you do counts."

Clip of Solomon in the animated film, "Waking Life" talking about existentialism. "Sartre once interviewed said he never really felt a day of despair in his life. But one thing that comes out from reading these guys is not a sense of anguish about life so much as a real kind of exuberance of feeling on top of it. It's like your life is yours to create..." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82EV4KBIsNk



Among Solomon's books: From Rationalism to Existentialism: The Existentialists and Their Nineteenth-Century Backgrounds (1972) arguably the best introductory text on existentialism in English, and The Passions (1976), considered a classic on the emotions.

From an ode to him on the Oxford University press blog. For the full article go HERE.

From the preface to Solomon’s most recent book, True to Our Feelings: What Our Emotions Are Really Telling Us:

I have always been fascinated by emotions; watching and dealing with them in other people, coping with and often joy-riding with my own. To be perfectly honest, I've also been terrified of them. As a child, I had a vile (though rarely violent) temper. As a young man, I fell in love often, and hard. As I matured, I learned to actually love, though perhaps more slowly and awkwardly than I would like to admit. And all along, I found myself brooding on, speculating about, luxuriating in, and terrified by my own emotional dispositions, responses, and preferences. I was already (although I did not know it at the time) a philosopher.

When I actually came into philosophy (from biology and medical school, where I had developed an interest in psychoanalysis), I brought with me that very personal fascination with the nature of the emotions ...

What were my emotions, my passions, or-more vaguely-my "feelings"? Did they, as it sometimes seemed, just happen to me-"sweep me away"-or even possess me, "take over my personality"? Or were they, as they also seemed to be, what was most me, most mine, what best (or worst) defined me? Were my emotions good and good for me, or were they bad and bad for me (as my less emotional friends would continually caution me)? What did it mean-that sixties' expression-to be "in touch with one's feelings"? What was it to be an "authentic" person? ...

Over the next thirty years, I explored those questions by way of philosophy, psychology, anthropology, and biology... I had long been indignant that emotions were so neglected in philosophy, the self-appointed discipline of "rationality." ...

...Now the philosophy of emotions, and the idea that reason and emotions are in cahoots rather than antagonists, is a major research area in psychology and the fast-advancing neurosciences.

Check out the other clips from "Waking Life: on youtube.com. Interesting.

R.I.P.

South African Advertising Guru Speaks about Emotional Intelligence

ADVERTISING GURU NUROCK SPEAKS ABOUT EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Emotional Intelligence is having a global impact. Don't be left out. Contract for coaching NOW. 817.741.7223. Come learn with the best. We've been doing this for years ... everyone else is just catching up.

According to an article in businessowner.co.za (that's South Africa), Anne Nurock, CEO of one of South Africa’s top advertising agencies, Grey Worldwide, recently gave a talk at the Innovation Hub, Master class for the Business Owner in Pretoria. She shared her experiences as both a woman in business, and as a leader and manager of people.

According to the article, when first approached with the opportunity to lead the agency, she asked whether she could be the deputy instead. How like a woman!

She says that the doubt that she experienced in her ability is what very often holds most women back.

“Women tend to be self-deprecating, not believing they deserve success,” she says. Nurock says she now uses every opportunity to encourage women to be assertive, without losing their femininity. “It doesn’t mean that if you like to wear pretty colours and frills that you are any less of a business person in the boardroom. Embrace what makes you a woman, don’t try to compete with men. Not that I am knocking men down, but women bring their own special abilities to doing business. Don’t lose that,” she said. (Take a look at her photo HERE and see that she is intentional - she practices what she preaches.)

Nurock took the advertising agency from the solid, reliable, predictable staid reputation it had built up where it was losing money to the vibrant, profitable business it is today.

The article ends with: Nurock believes that emotional intelligence (EQ) is as important as IQ. “A leader is only as good as the people around her,” she said.

Amen! Now don't be left out. This EQ is circling the globe faster than you can say "better world". If you want to get ahead, feel good, and have your life work better - get into emotional intelligence.

Read the complete article HERE.

Banished Words in 2007

HOW PRECISE IS YOUR LANGUAGE?

No need to be a pundit, but if you want to increase your EQ, you must be able to use language. Real words.

As in The Book of Clichés ... Feeling lonely or afraid? Lost, heartbroken, overworked, or at wit's end? This site will show you how to reduce any profound emotional experience to a hollow cliché. Established in 1996, the Book of Clichés "lists phrases to say in times of trouble in a number of categories." When appropriate, and with people who care, you need to be able to express yourself; which means, of course, your feelings.

And now ...

The Lake Superior State University 2007 List of Banished Words (Go there to add your comments to the 2007 list and nominate your own selections.)

GITMO -- The US military's shorthand for a base in Cuba drives a wedge wider than a split infinitive.

"When did the notorious Guantanamo Bay Naval Base change to 'Gitmo,' a word that conjures up an image of a fluffy and sweet character from a Japanese anime show?" -- Marcus W., St. Louis, Missouri.

COMBINED CELEBRITY NAMES -- Celebrity duos of yore -- BogCall (Bogart and Bacall), Lardy (Laurel and Hardy), and CheeChong (Cheech and Chong) -- just got lucky.
"It's bad enough that celebrities have to be the top news stories. Now we've given them obnoxious names such as 'Bragelina,' 'TomKat' and 'Bennifer.'" -- M. Foster, Port Huron, Michigan.

"It's so annoying, idiotic and so lame and pathetic that it's 'lamethetic.'" -- Ed of Centreville, Virginia.

AWESOME -- Given a one-year moratorium in 1984, when the Unicorn Hunters banished it "during which it is to be rehabilitated until it means 'fear mingled with admiration or reverence; a feeling produced by something majestic." Many write to tell us there's no hope and it's time for "the full banishment."

"The kind of tennis shoes you wear, no matter how cute, don't fit the majestic design of the word." -- Leila Hill, Damascus, Maryland.

"That a mop, a deodorant or a dating service can be called 'awesome' demonstrates the limited vocabularies of the country's copywriters." -- Tom Brinkmoeller, Orlando, Florida.

"Overused and meaningless.' My mother was hit by a car.' Awesome. 'I just got my college degree.' Awesome." -- Robert Bron, Pattaya, Chonburi, Thailand.

GONE/WENT MISSING -- "It makes 'missing' sound like a place you can visit, such as the Poconos. Is the person missing, or not? She went there but maybe she came back. 'Is missing' or 'was missing' would serve us better." -- Robin Dennis, Flower Mound, Texas.

PWN or PWNED -- Thr styff of lemgendz: Gamer defeats gamer, types in "I pwn you" rather than I OWN you.

"This word is just an overly used Internet typo. It has been overused to the point that people who play online games are using it in everyday speech." -- Tory Rowley, Corunna, Michigan.

NOW PLAYING IN THEATERS -- Heard in movie advertisements. Where can we see that, again?

"How often do movies premiere in laundromats or other places besides theaters? I know that when I want to see a movie I think about going to a shoe store." -- Andrea May, Shreveport, Louisiana.

WE'RE PREGNANT -- Grounded for nine months.

"Were men feeling left out of the whole morning sickness/huge belly/labor experience? You may both be expecting, but only one of you is pregnant." -- Sharla Hulsey, Sac City, Iowa.

"I'm sure any woman who has given birth will tell you that 'WE' did not deliver the baby." -- Marlena Linne, Greenfield, Indiana.

UNDOCUMENTED ALIEN -- "If they haven't followed the law to get here, they are by definition 'illegal.' It's like saying a drug dealer is an 'undocumented pharmacist.'" -- John Varga, Westfield, New Jersey.

ARMED ROBBERY/DRUG DEAL GONE BAD -- From the news reports. What degree of "bad" don't we understand? Larry Lillehammer of Bonney Lake, Washington, asks, "After it stopped going well and good?"

TRUTHINESS – "This word, popularized by The Colbert Report and exalted by the American Dialectic Society's Word of the Year in 2005 has been used up. What used to ring true is getting all the truth wrung out of it." -- Joe Grimm, Detroit, Michigan.

ASK YOUR DOCTOR -- The chewable vitamin morphine of marketing.

"Ask your doctor if 'fill in the blank' is right for you! Heck, just take one and see if it makes you 'fill in the blank' or get deathly ill." -- R.C. Amundson, Oakville, Washington.

"I don't think my doctor would appreciate my calling him after seeing a TV ad." -- Peter B. Liveright, Lutherville, Maryland.

The doctors among us may have something to say about this one!

CHIPOTLE – Smoked dry over medium heat.

"Prior to 2005 . . . a roasted jalapeno. Now we have a 'chipotle' burrito with 'chipotle' marinated meat, 'chipotle' peppers, sprinkled with a 'chipotle' seasoning and smothered in a 'chipotle' sauce. Time to give this word a rest." – Rob Zeiger, Bristol, Pennsylvania.

i-ANYTHING -- 'e-Anything' made the list in 2000. Geoff Steinhart of Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan, says tech companies everywhere have picked this apple to the core. "Turn on…tune in…and drop out."

"Banish any word that starts with it. i am just tired of it. it's getting old. -- Brad Butler, Adrian, Michigan.

SEARCH -- Quasi-anachronism. Placed on one-year moratorium.

"Might as well banish it. The word has been replaced by 'google.'" -- Michael Raczko, Swanton, Ohio.

HEALTHY FOOD -- Point of view is everything.

Someone told Joy Wiltzius of Fort Collins, Colorado, that the tuna steak she had for lunch "sounded healthy." Her reply: "If my lunch were healthy, it would still be swimming somewhere. Grilled and nestled in salad greens, it's 'healthful.'"

BOASTS -- See classified advertisements for houses, says Morris Conklin of Lisboa, Portugal, as in "master bedroom boasts his-and-her fireplaces -- never 'bathroom apologizes for cracked linoleum,' or 'kitchen laments pathetic placement of electrical outlets.'"

LSSU accepts nominations for the banished-words list throughout the year. To submit your nomination for the 2008 list, go to http://www.lssu.edu/banished/submit_word.php.

New Year's Resolution: Stop Annoying Other People

MORE ON NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

New Book about Emotional Intelligence and Coaching ... "What Got You Here Won't Get You There," by Marshall Goldsmith and Mark Reiter, soon to be released, and excerpted on businessweek.com. It's about leadership, but it's also about emotional intelligence and coaching.

One of Goldsmith's tips has to do with New Year's resolutions. Most of us make them. I don't, actually, because I'm a coach, and it's an ongoing thing with me that I model to clients. My "new year" doesn't start Jan. 1. It starts whenever I want it to; many times during a given year, in fact. New Year's day is as artificial as fake snow; it isn't even an astronomical event. So create your own any time you want to change.

Goldsmith believes in striving to be better human beings, we rarely resolve to do better in our interpersonal relationships.

Coaching clients are generally highly evolved and motivated, so I find most of my clients understand that the change has to be them, not the outer world. Goldsmith believes one thing crucial to good leadership is changing one or two interpersonal habits that annoy other people. Personal habits of your own, that is.

Fits with my definition of leadership which for someone as philosophical as I am, is eminently pragmatic: "A LEADER IS SOMEONE OTHER PEOPLE WANT TO FOLLOW." Want to follow. It's a feeling word. If you're brilliant, dedicated, highly-trained, highly credentialed, and know something I want to learn, but every time I get around you, you demean me ... I'll go "follow" someone else, thank you kindly.

In his book, Goldsmith outlines 20 habits that rub people the wrong way and tells how to break them.

Here are two:

ANNOYING HABIT NO. 1: CLINGING TO THE PAST

That's why I'm a coach. People have always loved to tell me their problems. After many years of this, in the workplace, I had an "ah hah" moment one day. Someone had come to me yet again to explain another person's behavior, and I blurted out, "I can tell you why, I can tell you all about their issues (I have an advanced degree in clinical psychology, plus am keen about figuring other people out), but you're still going to have to deal with them.

I can tell you why Fred 'bites people's heads off', he gives off clues about his childhood and the nature of his parents and of his brain and nervous system like a honeycomb oozes honey, but YOU are still going to have to deal with him trying to bite your head off. In fact it is a mistake for you to "understand" it if it means just sitting there and tolerating it. (Take my "How to Handle Difficult People" course and learn more about this.)

The same goes for your own "bad habits."

Emotional Intelligence is keen on this as well. I don't care why you're angry and throwing a tantrum. Just don't throw it at me. It may be a reason, but it should not be an excuse. Goldsmith's example is listening to someone nadder on about their father and mother and finally tossing a quarter at the man (a coaching client, I presume) and saying, "Call someone who cares."

One of the examples I give is about the young woman who popped into my office one day and said, "I'm going to be a real bear today. I'm PMSing."

"Not to me, you're not," I said.

PMS is no excuse for bad behavior any more than your past is an excuse for bad behavior.

Emotional intelligence shows you what else to do with your anger, joy, fear, etc. It's a choice, you know.

The point, says Goldsmith, according to this book review, is if you want to change the future, understanding won't get you there.

Not an original thought, of course. It's Einstein rephrased: You can't solve the problem on the same plane where it was created. (Albert Einstein)

ANNOYING HABIT NO. 2: REFUSING TO EXPRESS REGRET

Goldsmith frames it as losing face, essentially. Many people are highly invested in never being wrong it's true, and here we have a reframing of "would you rather be right than in relationship".

"It feels humiliating to seek forgiveness," Goldsmith says, "because we think it suggests subservience. We believe that apologizing forces us to cede power when, in reality, it's a great control tactic."

Goldsmith feels that "apologizing turns adversaries into allies, even servants. It is one of the most powerful and resonant gestures in the human arsenal--almost as powerful as a declaration of love."

In emotional intelligence, we look further than that. Being adamantly and relentlessly self-forgiving is a component of emotional intelligence. It frees you and it can keep you alive, I mean physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. We forgive not from altruism, but for our own health ... so we don't continue feasting on the skeleton, as the theologian put. Anger and resentment are delicious, but the skeleton at the feast is you.

Goldsmith reframes forgiving, apologizing, as forcing everyone to let go of the past.

Would that it were so. But to do this, YOU must be willing to accept the apology and move forward. The apology doesn't do it (can someone apologize for an affair? for running over your dog in the driveway?) ; YOU do.

It's hard to swallow your bile, and Goldsmith gives a great example: a young woman in a Fortune 100 company who was smart and had been brought in to bring about change. Everyone loved her except one of her peers, who viewed her as "arrogant" and "felt she didn't respect the company's history and traditions."

Goldsmith suggested that she apologize to this man, and scripted the apology for her to say, including that she had been disrespectful of the company's history and traditions.

Goldsmith believes there's magic in this process.

I picture this particular one as a scenario between a young adult and their middle-aged parent. From time-to-time I have a client who INSISTS that they cannot move on in their life until their parent APOLOGIES to them for not being there/favoring their sibling/leaving their mother/not sending them to college/'making them' be a lawyer instead of a pianist/never remembering their birthday/making them eat spinach.

What bothers me about this scenario is that the parent could equally demand an apology for keeping them all night/having ADHD/getting pregnant outside of wedlock/flunking out of the college they'd already paid $40,000 for/marrying someone from another religion or culture and messing up family get-togethers/inconveniencing their life with ashthma ... Except that in this society, we expect parents to parent, that is to "serve."

I had a client once who believed she was fat, at the age of 40, because of something her father did. But you see, her father is not there now shoveling mashed potatoes into her face. That's victimology. I'm going to write a book about this apology from the parent.

Goldsmith says apologies are a catalyst ... "how individuals change, teams improve, and companies become world-beaters. "

If you want to become even more successful in 2007, start by letting go of the past and learning to say: "I'm sorry."

Aren't those great? I bet there are more great habits to bust in that book. I'll be waiting for it come out.

Read the book excerpt on businessweek.com, HERE.

Emotional Intelligence - it's not just a buzz word

THIS 'N' THAT

Now you can ask the EQ Coach a Question. Go HERE. Tell your friends.

Coach certification program. Get in now before the rates go up.

Did you know I had a photo shoot over Christmas with First Women magazine? All about health and looking and feeling good. Let me coach you to get there.

Most New Year's resolutions have been broken by the end of January, and that's depressing. Let me show you a better way. Call 817-741-7223, or mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc .

La Scala bumps "Candide" from their schedule. Read more about it on Club Vivo.

DR took the How to Handle Difficult People course and said how nice it was not to get drawn into the same old yada yada at the holiday get-together. Take it NOW while you still remember what it was like. Click HERE.

Have you taken the EQ Map? The best assessment out there. Go Check it out.

What's the most depressing day of the year? January 20th. Are you ready?

Can't figure him out? Will be come back? What do you do next?

We recommend:

• Essential Difference: Truth about Male & Female Brain.
• A reading from Semiramis. She unites couples. mailto:semiramis.appiamo@hotmail.com .
  email reading, $50. Phone reading, $100.
• Relationship coaching. Susan is "How to Attract Your Dream Man" for expert.com.

A New Year is a New Beginning

IT'S A NEW YEAR, MAKE IT A NEW BEGINNING





Margaret Loris, The Sunhealer, has some great tips for us to begin the New Year free from past misunderstandings and grievances. Here is her article:


Here’s a powerful technique to begin the New Year free from past misunderstandings and grievances you have. Let’s begin by taking responsibility for our lives and commit to live in power by releasing victimhood and blame.

When we hold someone bondage to the past, we keep ourselves captive also. We remember the pain and fear it repeating again. So we close down, build defenses, and wall off our hearts and emotions. Remember, some people are repeat offenders and never change.

At least we give them the space and opportunity to grow. If you have someone like this in your life, you can choose to disassociate from them. They have free choice too. Forgiving means stopping your permission for their behavior to be repeated and that what was done was unacceptable.

Forgiveness is needed for behaviors that were abusive and need to be ended. So when we forgive, we unchain the past and the unforgiven from our minds and our hearts. We stop giving permission for them to torment our minds and our thoughts. Both you and the other person are free to grow into unlimited possibilities and evolve. This opens the door for miracles to occur. You can give them the opportunity to recognize their core star essence and let that light shine brightly.

Simultaneously, you also recharge and renew yours. This may be inappropriate for the random act of violence from a stranger, or for someone who was abused as a child or while in some other position of true helplessness. Further healing may be required.

Step 1: To begin, imagine your offender in front of you. Next, we are going to ask them, in deep sincerity, to forgive us. Yes, we will take the reigns and ask for forgiveness first, even if we are totally innocent. If you find this difficult, simply go up to their Soul level and ask Soul to Soul. For example, perhaps I am angry with my mother for forcing me to eat spinach when I hated it. I would say, “Mother, will you forgive me?” If that person doesn’t or can’t answer you, their Soul will respond “YES!” because their Soul wants freedom and forgiveness too. It’s that easy.

Step 2: Declare your forgiveness to them first. “I, (Margaret) forgive (my mother) for (making me eat spinach). I release and forgive her for her highest good.”

Step 3: Next, imagine going up to that person and giving them a heart to heart hug. If your pain, anger and resentment prevents this heart connection, again communicate your Soul with their Soul. There is no grievance on the upper planes.

Step 4: Really begin to sense that person’s soul essence. Stay there as long as it takes to feel a love connection. Remember, I am with you if you feel uncomfortable. It will be all right. Just give it a chance. You’ll begin to feel hardness melt. Begin to feel their heart beat against your chest. Sink deeper in --- Realize this person’s God Presence is the same God Presence that lives in you. Feel the pain, bitterness and anger releasing. Relax, take a deep breath, and go deeper yet. Rest.

Step 5: Pay attention to your emotions and what your partner says and feels towards you. Rest and find comfort in knowing that you are healing two people very deeply and on many levels.

Step 6: Visualize the person you are forgiving being blessed by your forgiveness and, as a result, being freed from continuing the behavior that hurt you.

Step 7: Feel yourself growing lighter and more joyous. Know you are free to move on and create your life in happiness and love.

Here is a beginning list of people to forgive to get started:

• Mother
• Father
• Siblings
• Doctors and Nurses
• Bosses, Employees and Colleagues
• Teachers and Peers
• Clergy
• Old boyfriends/girlfriends, Lovers, Ex-wives and husbands
• Children
• Friends

You get the idea. Now set yourself free!
____________________
Which brings up the one person you left out -- YOU. Being relentlessly and adamantly self-forgiving is an emotional intelligence component and an important one. Until you can forive yourself, you cannot forgive anyone else. Remember that you forgive for YOUR benefit, not theirs.

For coaching, call 817-734-1471.
EQ, relationships, career, leadership, healing, transitions, transformations.

Volga Boatmen - Is that your job?

VOLGA BOATMEN

"Burlaks on the Volga River", this magnificent painting of Czarist Russian, is now in the public doman. Click HERE to see the painting enlarged.


You may also be familiar with the Russian folk song, "The Volga Boatmen."

The lyrics to the refrain are:
Mighty stream so deep and wide
Volga Volga you’re our pride
Heave ho, heave ho



You can hear "The Volga Boatman" here from an old Nelson Eddy movie:



Now take another look at the painting, please. This is an exercise I use in my Emotional Intelligence course, incidentally, and in seminars. In it we see a team at work, doing manual labor. You can probably identify some of the people in the painting. Who is the young golden boy? The one at the rear who seems about to collapse? The leader in the front, old, but apparently doing fine? Which one is you?

Now, on a blog entitled "Volga Boatman," a member of the clergy writes:

"Thinking about liturgical music, the Volga boatmen came to mind. Somewhere in the dim recesses of my mind is an image of men on a towpath, dragging a boat through a canal, accompanied by 'Yo, heave, ho.' And there are times when I feel like one of the guys on the rope line. Dragging the congregation through a Mass, dragging a choir through a new hymn or setting. But those are nothing compared to the way it's going to feel when we try to move forward from what many refer to as 'the four-hymn Mass' to 'ritual music.'

"Anyone who works in the church music world knows that after almost every Mass, someone comes up and tells you that she loves the music because it’s strong/tender/enlivening/
comforting/'real Catholic music'/up-to-date, etc.

That individual is followed by someone who hates it. It’s too loud/soft/fast/slow/traditional/
modern/hard-to-sing,etc.

[I used to be the Outreach Director for a church and greeted people as they came in the sanctuary. I would hear, "It's too hot in here/just right in here for once/freezing cold in here." Everyone should have this experience in order to understand what "leadership" is all about.]

However, that's not my point here. I have a few questions for you, actually.

1. Do you find it odd the clergyman didn't see himself as the man on the boat in the orange shirt? 2. Would there be anything 'wrong' if the leader were on the boat, not hauling?
3. What about if he were pitching in? He appears to see himself perhaps as the man in the front right. Dragging them forward.
4. If you were the man in the orange shirt directing this whole thing, would you feel guilty?
5. Did you even see the man on the boat in the orange shirt?

It's about the big picture:

• Not letting your emotions get in the way of your perceptions,
• About what you 'read into' a painting. We all do this. That's why there are paintings, and why we love them. (The great arts [culture] BTW, are an important component of emotional intelligence).
• The experiences you have had, and the emotions around them that you bring to apainting become your reality.
• Your beliefs and attitudes about labor, i.e., all work is slave labor and you are condemned to do it ... or think-work is lazy, manual labor is "honest labor"
• How much you identify with the people in a painting and why
• How much you know about Czarist Russian and if you can distance yourself to get intellectual; or, conversely, if you automatically intellectualize your emotions
• Your attitudes toward paintings - worthless nonsence, "not for me," "what's the purpose - why are you 'making' me look at a painting?"

Some people identify with the Volga boatmen, and immediately start talking about "slave labor." Others identify with the suffering in general (especially if they are familiar with this time period in Russia's history) and they usually fail to see the men on the boat, or to remember them. Some who are leaders see themselves as the man in the orange shirt, while others who are leaders see themselves as the man front left. Others might start fantasizing about never having to work. There are many reactions you can have.

One suggestion for the New Year, if you see yourself on your current job as one of the Volga boatmen - slave labor, and heave ho, heave ho - it may be time for a new job?

Call me for coaching: 817.734.1471.

La Scala Cancels Bernstein's Candide ... with emotional intelligence

OPERA PRODUCTION CANCELED BY LA SCALA.

"Silvio nudo? (Referring to Silvio Berlusconi of course)," begins the La Stampa article. "Non si farà La Scala cancella il «Candide» dello scandalo."

A Canadian web-paper leads with: La Scala cancels show depicting Bush, Blair, Putin, Berlusconi dancing in underwear. (Could be bathing suits, actually. See photo here.)

According to the news, La Scala (whose website would not have changed in 200 years, had there been websites back then - it's grand), arguably the most famous opera house in the world, has cancelled a production of Bernstein's "Candide", scheduled for the summer, that includes a scene with actors dancing in underwear while wearing masks of world leaders including President Bush, British Prime Minister Tony Blair, former Italian premier, Silvio Berlusconi, Russian President, Vladimir Putin, and the very French President, Jacques Chirac.

Score 10 EQ points if you read "that includes" and did not INVENT "because it includes".

In fact, the production is currently playing just fine at the Theatre du Chatelet in Paris, where it was viewed by La Scala artistic director Stephane Lissner. La Scala has issued the statement that the production "was not in line with La Scala's artistic program." It did not elaborate.

10 EQ points awarded to La Scala. 10 to the media cited for not elaborating. And 10 to you if you do not elaborate in your own head.

In re: the bathing suit (or underwear) scene, La Scala spokesman Carlo Maria Cella said Friday the scene "was only part of the problem, and a small part."

Cella went on to say that Carsen's production had greatly modified Bernstein's original work.
"It is not a value judgment. Carsen is a wonderful director who's made beautiful shows," said Cella, speaking from his Milan office. "It is an issue of compatibility with La Scala's program."

10 more EQ points to La Scala.

Why? Because Carsen has done other things, it isn't Bernstein's fault ... and then, too, there's Voltaire. And the general class of La Scala just dictates decorum...restraint. It Italy it's called rispetto. There are some big names involved (Bernstein, Voltaire, Carsen) and they model respect (though in Italian the term means more than the US "respect" ... it's cultural, more "decorum" as well) ... such as is NOT shown to Putin, Bush, Berlusconi et al in the opera.

Bernstein's "Candide" is of course from Voltaire's satire against eternal optimism.

We asked John Alifano, Honorary Chairman of Club Vivo Per Lei to comment. He replied: "I love anything Bernstein wrote." You see the same rispetto there, as well. The same emotional intelligence here: a fine discernment about what's going on. We are talking about one particular production by a man (not all of his work); it involves the work of a man who had no part in the changes; and that piece of work, in turn, is based on the work of one of the great literary figures in history.

EQ would dictate that media hype be avoided, and one need not say more than the essentials. In other words, on the front end, don't elaborate, and on the receiving end, don't take the bait.

Dr. Alifano adds: "...[W]hen I bought my Baldwin 7ft grand it was tuned by a man named George Krippenstappel. Took him 4 hours sitting there in my family room. I thought he'd never finish, so perfect was his ear to the tones and voicing generated by my newly-purchased (from the Boston Symphony Orch.) pride and joy.

"FINALLY he got up and said..'Sorry it took so long, Dr Alifano...but that's the way Lenny would have liked it.' I said, 'Who's Lenny?' He looked me straight in my eyes and said, 'I tune the pianos all over the world for Leonard Bernstein...that'll be $500 please.' I gladly paid it."

To win EQ points, read with discernment. Think with your head. Keep your emotions (or theirs) (or the chance to get some attention) out if it, when it is appropriate to do so.

On the other hand, if you go to the opera at La Scala, THAT is an EMOTIONAL experience. That's what "bravo" is all about.

Call 817-741-7223 for information about emotional intelligence coaching, training, certification, business programs, or just to talk!

PHOTO: GNU Free Documentation License, wikipedia.com. It is believed that the interior is fair use doctrine according to US copyright law, as illustrative and educational purposes.

The End of Advertising

THE END OF ADVERTISING ... IT'S COMMON SENSE

Common sense is one of the words subsumed under Emotional Intelligence. Like "maturity," it isn't easy to define, and it also carries judgmental qualities. So Emotional Intelligence talks about the components of emotional intelligence. What are some of the components of emotional intelligence that would allow a person to have good ole common sense? One is "intuition," or "gut feeling." Another is "good reality-testing."

So ... advertising IS dead. Haven't you noticed? Ah hah.

I caught an article the other day called "Embed Marketing in Products," by Mickey Alam Khan. He reports on the keynote address given at Forrester's Consumer Forum 2006 at the Palmer House Hilton in Chicago, by creative shop Crispin Porter + Bogusky CEO, which he said "raised the bar for ad agencies."

Mr. Hicks, who created great ads for Burger King, Volkswagen and Miller Brewing announced that, “We think the future of advertising is great products that have marketing embedded in them.”

How many ads do you see, for instance, for Starbucks?

I've never seen one at all. But didn't I just buy those cute cup Christmas tree ornaments and give them to all my friends who are Starbucks' frequenters?

They define the layers as: Advertising at the periphery, then layers of packaging and customer relationship management zeroing in on the target in the center: the product.

Perhaps you recall the viral campaign for Burger King called Subservient Chicken. At its peak, says Khan, the site was visited by 500,000 individuals who spent an average of 9 mins. on the site ordering the man-chicken to do their something. According to Kahn, "the campaign has received 18 million unique visitors and 450 million hits. Sessions today average 5 minutes. It all fit with the Burger King theme of 'Have it your way.' And it cost only between $40,000 and $50,000." (In case you are not aware, that is piddling for advertising money.

Does 'advertising' this way sound risky to you? "It never seems like a risk," said Mr. Hicks. "It seems like an obvious thing to do."

The agency also put all those funny quotes on the Burger King cups.

Well, participation and word-of-mouth are what it's all about these days. We love our polls, don't we?

You might be interested to know, in case you filter your blog, as I do, that comments on the Subservient Chicken site were filtered. "Every single comment," said Crispin Porter.

Another bit of common sense there. Open your blog and website wide and you get spammers, trashers, obscenity and advertisements from other people.

It's all about Emotional Intelligence. Read the full article here ..._
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To increase your emotional intelligence, take The EQ Course. It's on the Internet, it's participatory and it's a product that has marketing embedded in it. Almost the first thing learners report to me is that their friends and relatives have "noticed a difference in them." Each student becomes a walking advertisement for emotional intelligence.

WE DO MARKETING (not advertising). Call 817-741-7223 for immediate attention to your Internet and traditional marketing needs.

How to Teach Your Child Emotional Intelligence

HOW TO TEACH YOUR CHILD
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

You gave your child lots of toys for Christmas, how about a really meaningful and lifetime gift for the New year?

In order to teach your child good emotional intelligence, you have to have it yourself. Order my ebook, "How to Teach Your Child Emotional Intelligence".

Then take sdunn@susandunn.cc .

The EQ Course will raise your emotional intelligence globally and may be a preferred option for you. If in doubt, call me and I will make the appropriate recommendation.

Gerald Ford: The Emotionally Intelligent President

THE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE OF GERALD FORD
Ford had "guts" in the way that counts ... an emotionally stable and mature man, he was willing to put the common good before his personal good, and acted with courage and authenticity.

If you want to improve your OWN emotional intelligence, call me at 817-734-1471 or email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . Give yourself a real gift for the New year: Emotional Intelligence.

The reports continue ... from cbs, "The Underappreciated President": "Ford was a genial, likeable man, not entirely guileless but still an antidote to Richard Nixon, whom he replaced as president. Ford saw the best in people and assumed that even his political adversaries — he insisted he had no enemies — usually had good intentions. Nixon saw his opponents as sinister. Nixon was paranoid. Ford wasn't. His appealing personality —his openness, his unperturbed reaction to critics, his cheerfulness and warmth — was a necessary factor in suturing the wounds left by the bitter political battles over Watergate and Vietnam. But imposing his personality on the nation wasn't sufficient for the task.

"That's where Ford's guts came in. The fallout from the pardon, which Ford issued a month into his presidency, was predictable. His approval rating was instantly cut in half — from the 70s to the 30s. His election to a full term in 1976 became problematic at best, impossible at worst. And, as expected, he lost to Jimmy Carter narrowly in the 1976 race. Ford knew the political downside of the pardon. But he went ahead anyway, and it had an extraordinarily benign effect in two ways. The pardon spared the nation the trauma of bringing a former president to trial, a polarizing drama that would have lasted for years. And it allowed Ford to govern without the distraction of a Nixon prosecution. Absent the pardon, Ford would have been a crippled caretaker in the White House...

"[Ford] was a moderate who got along famously with Democrats, especially the crusty conservatives from the South and West. He felt strongly, as others did in that era, that politics should stop at the water's edge. In other words, he believed the foreign policy pursued by presidents, whether Republican or Democrat, should have bipartisan support. But bipartisanship in foreign affairs had died in Vietnam. ..."

"Ford was more or less a small government conservative. His favorite saying in speeches was: 'A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have.'

"It was two decades before Ford's success as president began to be appreciated. When presidential scholar Fred Greenstein of Princeton developed a half-dozen non-partisan, non-ideological measures for judging modern presidents, he found that Ford scored surprisingly well. Greenstein labeled Ford "underappreciated." Ford's greatest strength, Greenstein wrote in his book "The Presidential Difference," was his "emotional intelligence." This is the quality of emotional soundness that allows a president to avoid distractions, not be intimidated by his high office and its obligations, and to take criticism and even policy defeats with equanimity. Greenstein wrote: "Ford's own remark about himself upon assuming the vice presidency in December 1973 was that he was 'a Ford, not a Lincoln.' In the second half of the 1970s, it was more to the point for the nation that he was not an emotionally roiled Lyndon Johnson or Richard Nixon." Read the full article HERE.

____________________________________

REMEMBER .... emotional intelligence is not a mystery. It can be learned.

If your Christmas get-togethers were difficult this year, take the How to Handle Difficult People course. DR who successfully completed it just before the annual Christmas get-together, wrote:

"What a pleasure to have someone push your buttons and not experience the emotional tug that used to make me react.... I felt the urge to be kind instead of annoyed by their odd behaviors. Thanks for leading me through this path. Our holiday dinner was, well, enjoyable. Thanks."

This could be YOU, next year, if you start now. Do it NOW while it's fresh in your memory and mind. Click HERE to register for the How to Handle Difficult People course. It could be the best $79.99 you ever spent.

The Emotional Intelligence of President Ford

THE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE OF PRESIDENT FORD

From the The Underbelly Blog, a journal of soft information, we found the following re: President Ford, RIP. The blog quotes from Fred I. Greenstein's, The Presidential Difference¨Leadership Styles from FDR to George W. Bush 122-4 (2d ed. 2004):

Emotional Intelligence. It is not necessary to depict Ford as a closet intellectual to appreciate the personal strengths he brought to the presidency. He was patently emotionally stable, and his self-esteem was not wrapped up in the fate of his policies.

“You never got negative emotional vibrations from the man,” Alan Greenspan recollected, “except when he was mad for reasons that were absolutely objective.” …

Public Communication. He was a plodding speaker, whose rhetorical limitations made him less able than a Roosevelt, Kennedy, or Reagan to put a good face on political misfortune. Ford also resembled Truman in being verbally accident prone…

Organizational Capacity. Ford’s organizational legacy includes his painfully won demonstration that it is no longer feasible to operate an effective presidency without an able and experienced White House chief of staff. There is in general much to be learned form the intelligently structured staff procedures of Ford’s White House. Of particular interest is his Economic Policy Board, which employed the principles of multiple advocacy that served well in Eisenhower’s foreign policy advisory arrangements. A policy mechanism like the EPB would have been useful to a number of Ford’s successors, particularly Carter.

Political Skill. Ford’s political skills were those of an experienced legislative pragmatist. …

Vision. It might be assumed that the eminently practical Gerald Ford possessed little in the way of political vision. But in fact he had clear, internally consistent policy convictions, particularly in the domestic sphere. ….

Cognitive Style. Ford brought an open mind and thoughtful intelligence to his responsibilities. Alan Greenspan, who chaired Ford’s Council of Economic Advisers CEA) … [observed] that Ford found it enjoyable to discuss economics with him, even when there was no pending decision that made doing so necessary. …

Photo in the public domaind, wikipedia

#1 New Year's Resolution

I BET I KNOW WHAT YOUR TOP 2 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS ARE

"Resolution". It's another word for Intentionality, an emotional intelligence component.

Some facts about New Year's Resolutions:

• For most people, the #1 resolution is losing weight, getting fit, getting back in shape, exercising more, eating right ... some form of wellness.
• Next is something you want to "give up", some bad habit. Quit smoking. Quit self-sabotaging. Stop yelling at my kids. Stop fighting with my partner.
• 90% of people will have broken their resolution by the end of January.
• Most people admit to having the same top 3 every year.
• We want to make it a better year for ourselves, but we are making the list at the down time of year.

Coaching can help you make a keep your New Year's resolutions.

The month coming up is a hard one for most people, cultiminating in "the most depressing day of the year," January 20th (so proclaimed by a scientist using a formula). This is because of the weather, SAD (seasonal affective disorder, all the emotions triggered around Christmas , the after-Christmas letdown, the weather, bills, not getting what you wanted for Christmas, the weather (gray skies!), fights over Christmas time with relatives ... and so forth.

Want to see the same thing on your list next year, like it was last year, and the year before? Of course you dont, so why not try coaching.

Why do we make these "resolutions" at what is usually the low-point of the year? Well, any time is good to make a resolution to make your life work better, as long as you give yourself a real chance at making the goal. Coaching can help. I help people make their resolutions all year long.

Make it your resolution to find out about your resolutions, and give yourself a chance at keeping them this year.

If you'd like help with your resolutions, call me for coaching: 817-741-7223. Or email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

EQ works!

Improve Your Emotional Intelligence

MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY HOLIDAYS

FROM SUSAN DUNN, MA

THE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE COACH

www.susandunn.cc

First Corinthians 13: Christmas Version
Author Unknown

If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows,
strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls,
but do not show love to my family,
I'm just another decorator.

If I slave away in the kitchen,
baking dozens of Christmas cookies,
preparing gourmet meals

and arranging a beautifully adorned table at mealtime,
but do not show love to my familyI'm just another cook.

If I can work at a soup kitchen,
carol in the nursing home,
and give all that I have to charity,
but do not show love to my family,
it profits me nothing.

If I trim the spruce with shimmering angels
and crocheted snowflakes,
attend a myriad of holiday parties
and sing in the choir's cantata,
but do not focus on Christ,
I have missed the point.

Love stops the cooking to hug the child.
Love sets aside the decorating to kiss the spouse.
Love is kind, though harried and tired.
Love does not envy another's home
that has coordinated Christmas china and table linens.
Love does not yell at the kids to get out of the way,
but is thankful that they are there to be in the way.
Love does not give only to those who are able to give in return,
but rejoices in giving to those who cannot.

Love bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things andendures all things.
Love never fails.

Video games will break,
pearl necklaces will be lost, golf clubs will rust.
but giving the gift of love will endure forever.

White Shoe Lawyer and Emotional Intelligence

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE & THE LAW and the White Shoe Lawyer

Not considered too highly in "the law" or by most lawyers, emotions are nevertheless present in a law firm, and in the courtroom, as they are everywhere else. Emotional Intelligence is particularly needed in working juries. As has been said, "all it takes to hang a jury is two beautiful women or two alcoholics."

Juries also are known not to like "arrogant" attorneys.

Well, today we find on the blog "Law and More: Deconstructing What Happens in Law," an article entitled, "White Shoe in Era of Everyman." We learn that Time has named US, "everyman" the Man of the Year, and that a "white shoe" lawyer originally referred to the "socially ambitious and socially smug" gentlemen (no women in law back then, folks) who were the uppercrust at the Ivy League colleges in the 40s and early 50s.

According to Fred Shapiro, librarian at Yale Law School,

"The term 'white shoe' appears to have originated at Ivy League colleges. The Harvard Crimson, May 9, 1949, refers to a film shown by the Harvard Film Society as doing 'a roaring white-shoe trade' at the box office. . . . An article in Esquire, Sept. 1953, explained that at Yale students were pigeonholed as White Shoe, Brown Shoe, or Black Shoe: 'White Shoe applies primarily to the socially ambitious and socially smug types.' Traditionally white shoes had been prominent in upper-class casual fashion.

In another time, one might say the white shoes were the upper class, or the elite.

This to me is a better explanation, written by a blog commentator: "Ah, 'white shoe' -- we always heard back in the early '80s that the term came from the fact that white bucks were the traditional summer shoes worn by arch-WASP lawyers with their seersucker suits in the days before air-conditioning in New York, Boston and Philadephia firms."

RAY GARRETT JR.

Let me add Chicago to that, and personal anecdote. My father went off to work in the Loop every day in those white shoes and a seersucker suit (and a HAT) even apres A/C. He went to Yale, then Harvard Law school in the late 40s, was a senior partner in a major Chicago law firm, and eventually became Chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) - Ray Garrett, Jr. (See Ray Garrett Jr. Corporate and Securities Law Institute, Northwestern School of Law.)

In fact in this photo, which I think was on the cover of Forbes magazine, he has on that seesucker suit, and the white bucks always accompanied it. Until Labor Day.

Blogger, Jane Genova, admits to a bias (she fought her way "in" and then scrambled back out), but she feels that white shoe law firms are missing the boat in recruiting in only Ivy League schools. "Can a hustler with high social/emotional intelligence from a third-tier law school bring in more business, win more cases, get superior results for clients?" she asks. And "of course," she answers herself.

Whoa there. Always? Of course NOT. Only? No. Sometimes? Sure, why not, all thing's being equal? And here's why.

Pertinent to emotional intelligence: It's been said that IQ is what gets you through school, but EQ is what gets you through life. The true "rainmaker" is a maverick, charismatic breed that can't really be pigeonholed. Often brilliant in the law, of course (note that "school" comes before "life"), but there has to be something else, because not all brilliant graduates from Harvard or Stanford are rainmakers. Emotional intelligence subsumes such things as "charisma" and "leadership." My dad had both, and rainmaker he was; his smile lit up a room, his laugh made him the best audience a person could have, and whenever he walked through the law firm the summer I worked there, he was surrounded by a coterie of young associates satelliting around him, wanting to be ... well, led.

Yes, despite the obfuscation of some business consultants and coaches, I maintain that the sine qua non of the leader is that people want to follow him or her. And "want to" is about feeling, not thinking.

I coach leadership, I study it, I had a great role model. Yes, I tried to figure out why Dad had what he had, got what he got and where he got, and it breaks down to many of the emotional intelligence components I teach. However, he was also an exceptional lawyer. But remember, it's not about getting people to follow you, it's about getting them to WANT to follow you.

Now, back to our blogger.

JURIES DON'T LIKE POMPOUS and POMPOUS IS NOT EQ

"When I interviewed the jury in the Rhode Island lead paint trial," writes Ms. Genova, they used words like 'pompous' to describe certain legal players in the trial who screamed white shoe branding. The jurors praised Everyman attorney John Tarantino, defense attorney for ARCO and a local boy. It was Tarantino and only Tarantino who got his client acquitted by that jury. The other three defendants were convicted. This should make all law firms consider, just consider, that maybe all the attributes of the white shoe have become liabilities not the crown jewels of the brand. "

Well, only if the white shoe lawyer happens to be pompous as well, or if that quality is built into your definition of "white shoe lawyer."

OK, she's made her point, and I'll make mine: white shoe, brown shoe, black, or everyman, emotional intelligence can make the crucial difference in one's success in life and at work.

Why debate whether a white shoe or third-tier hustler can win clients and cases for law firms when obviously both are capable of it ... IF they have emotional intelligence.

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