by Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach
Being an emotional intelligence coach, and having recently published an article on being new to the job (from the emotional intelligence standpoint), several people have asked me to comment on the above-referenced incident. One of the points I had made in the article was the wisdom of laying low when you’re the New Kid on the Block, and not expressing strong opinions until you’ve got the lay of the land.
Having not seen the videos, I went to the source to find out what words were actually said. It’s emotionally intelligence to side-step “hearsay.” We have innumerable research studies proving that people don’t see what happens (the gorilla in our midst experimenta) or hear what is said, and”invent” or “embellish” especially when their emotions are being worked over.
According to the transcript, here is what Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-Oh) said: “He (Bubp) also asked me to send Congressman Murtha a message, that cowards cut and run, Marines never do…”
It is a giant leap from this to “Jean Schmidt calls John Murtha a coward.” I prefer the Cincinnati Enquirer's title, "Schmidt Causes Ruckus." Incidentally, Bobp, denies having had the conversation with her, which was enough for me to pronounce it “politics,” lose interest, wash my hands of the whole affair. The issues, of course, are very important, and I encourage the emotionally intelligence citizen to research them, make an informed decision, and exercise your right to be heard by your congresspeople.
That having been said, there are other interesting emotional intelligence points here, emotional intelligence being the interface between thinking and feelings that allows for said informed opinions and wise actions.
What Schmidt did was imply (some felt) that Murtha was a coward. I say “some felt” because implications rely on thoughts and feelings the listener supplies, fueled by emotion. This is something politicians rely on, the press, your boss, your spouse, and assorted others who may wish to steamroll you into something Emotions can over-ride thinking, as every teenager knows who’s badgering his or her parent,, and a person not thinking is a person at the mercy of the other.
Murtha was not there when it happened, and had to go on hearsay as well. How would you react if it had been you? Would you take the bait?
Someone with high EQ wouldn’t, someone who’s been around the block a few times, like Murtha. He did not “over-react.” When asked how he felt about it (by Russert), here is what he replied: “…I try not to put this in a personal basis, and I would hope the people would take this suggestion as a responsible recommendation, and then read the resolution that I put forward, redeploy the troops on the periphery as quickly as within the safety of the troops. You know, this is a new member, and
sometimes they give her something to say that –they get out of hand. I try not to take this stuff personal.”
He’s evasive, using political-speak, i.e., what on earth does “within the safety of the troops” mean?? “IN a personal basis”?? Sometimes “they” give her something to say … who are “they?” Nor, for instance, in those quoted passages, does he name names.” He implies he doesn’t take offense, and then sends us back to read what he actually proposed. The message: read what he said, read what she said. Emotional intelligence is about reality-testing.
He further does not "sink to her level," and reply in kind. Why would he snatch defeat from the jaws of victory?
The EQ points here?
If you care about what really happened, go to the source and read it. Then analyze it rationally and make your own decision. Don’t rely on hearsay.
Incendiary headlines sell. Consider this bias in what you read. That's reality-testing, an emotional intelligence competency. EQ is about common sense – take it with a grain of salt, consider the source, the nature of the beast, etc.
Was she set up to do it? Entirely possible. The reactions may have been staged as well, opportunistic, though impromptu.
The apology? From my experience, those who apologize for a specific, avoiding the global, get re-elected We shall see.
In politics, of course, you generally take the bait. Most of the time in real life, it isn’t advised. There’s an excellent book I recommend by a real pro, “The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense,” by Suzette Haden Elgin. She takes you point-by-point through the overt and covert attacks, passive-aggressive maneuvers, and innuendoes from nasty folks we have to deal with all the time, giving responses you can make that will keep you out of trouble. Because, you see, once you “take the bait,” the reason it’s called “bait” is because you are hooked into a position where you can only harm yourself.
Let’s say your new boss comes up to you, a senior worker, and says, “I just talked to Joe Blow in accounting and he said people over 50 can’t remember anything." The assumption, implied, is that you, a senior worker, do not remember anything.
Gonna take the bait?
Not you! You’ve got EQ.
If you say, “Well that doesn’t apply to ME, I remember everything,” you are on very, very thin ground, because no one (including Joe Blow, the young man in accounting) does not remember EVERYTHING. Further, you have condemned yourself, whereas technically neither Joe Blow nor the manager had. Not smart! Low EQ!
Likewise you’re dead-meat if you take the sucker-punch and reply, “Oh, like young people do,” or losing your temper and counter-attacking, replying, "Joe Blow's an idiot," and embellishing it with mention of some group to which he happens to belong.
A possible response? “What an interesting theory. I wonder where he read that.” You thereby imply (fair is fair … remember, your attacker has laid the ground rules here) he read it, that it doesn’t apply to you, etc. Tit for tat. Then get back to your work! A deeper gouge would be “That’s an interesting theory, but in the latest Business Psychology Review, Dr. Edward T. W. Prinpollett refutes this theory on the grounds of the XYZ Principle.” Make it up. Who’s going to take that on, which is again, playing the game by the rules established.
When you give someone the power to “make” you angry, you lose on three fronts. (1) You give up your personal power, an emotional intelligence competency. (2) The physiological reaction of anger prevents you from thinking clearly when you need it most. (3) and your health … a minute of anger suppresses your immune system for up to an hour. Is it worth your health? Generally not. Righteous indignation included.
As Epictetus said many years ago: “Any person capable of angering you becomes your
master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him."
It should also be added that this is an explanation of why the civil, jury trial often brings in a different verdict than the criminal trial.
One reason we study EQ is so we don’t fall prey to all the people who use emotions to manipulate us.
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