Friday, October 19, 2007

Don't ask WHY, ask HOW, WHEN, WHO and WHERE in coaching

People who go to therapists are often asking "why." That's unfortunate, because it is rarely the right question to want answered, and not even the smartest question to ask. For one thing, it is stuck squarely in the past -- and will keep you stuck there. You can spend years trying to answer "why" questions in therapy, and then still not know WHAT to DO!

Coaching on the other hand deals with questions like HOW (can I get a better job), WHO will help me with this problem), WHEN is the best time to pop the question, WHERE should I move, WHAT can give me a successful retirement ...

I have incredible smart clients, and rarely am I asked WHY. Everyone kind of knows it's a waste of time if you want to go forward in your life. Coaching is about going forward, meeting goals, getting where you want to go ...

Today's guest article is
Stuck In Life? Stop Asking This Question
by Bonnie McFarland

"Why?" seems like a good question, doesn't it? I certainly used to think so. I've asked "Why?" often in my life so I must have thought it was a good question. Or maybe I never had thought about it or noticed what happened when I asked that particular question. Over time, I've gone from the questions of a toddler (Why isthe sky blue?) to the questions of a child (Why did my dog die?) to the questions of an adult ("Why did that man break up with me?).

"Why?" used to be one of my favorite questions. Not any more. A few years ago someone offered me a very different perspective on "Why?" I started paying attention to what happened when Iasked myself or others this simple question. I noticed that"Why?" was very seldom a useful question. In fact, I discovered it was often a question that worked against me. Now I do my best to not ask myself or others "Why?"

Why Not Ask Why? In your internal conversations, are you asking yourself "Why?" on a regular basis? Why do I want that? Why am I feeling depressed? Why can't I be satisfied with the job I have? Why can't I figure out what I want in life? Why did I say that? Though you may not realize it, (I certainly didn't!) there's ajudgment implied in the question. "Why?" is really more like"What's the matter with me?" or "Why can't I be different than I am?" When you ask yourself "Why?" you experience (subtly or not so subtly) one or more of the following: * You're in your head: analyzing, trying to figure out the answer. Even if you don't know (and much of the time we truly don't know the "real reason" we're thinking, saying, doing, or wanting something) you'll do your best to come up with ananswer. Even if you have to make it up!

* You hear the implied judgment and so you start down that road. You criticize or blame yourself. You rationalize. Youjustify. You feel defensive, bad, wrong, or wronged.

* Your energy is drained. Rarely, rarely, rarely do you get an answer to "Why?" that helps you move forward. More likely, asking "Why?" will get you stuck and off track. It takes your focus away from where you're going and how to get there, leaving you circling around in your mind. Asking "Why?" stops you. It gets in the way of creating more of what you truly want.

For the rest of the article go HERE.

Author: Bonnie Farland works with women at midlife who are bored, stuck, or restless and wondering what to do withthe rest of their lives. Visit for her free e-book and ezine if you want to create more pleasure, passion, and purpose in your life.

Coaching can get you unstuck! For a free mini-coaching session, email me to set an appointment - .

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