Mother's Day

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

My mother - first on the left.
Her mother is on the far right.

Your mother ...
No relationship is so fraught with ambivalence.

She loved you, yes,
but she also took things away (those enticing scissors)
made you eat things you didn't like (squach!)
made you do things you didn't want to do (go to school)
babied you when you didn't want it (as a teen)
failed to baby you when you wanted it (as an adult)

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY
for those who are with their kids, and those who are not

My favorite --
if there are any heavens my mother will(all by herself)have
one. (e.e. cummings)

And some more quotes:

No one in the world can take the place of your mother. Right or wrong, from her viewpoint you are always right. She may scold you for little things, but never for the big ones. ~Harry Truman

God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb

Life is the fruit she longs to hand you,
Ripe on a plate.
And while you live,
Relentlessly she understands you.
~Phyllis McGinley

Because I feel that in the heavens above
The angels, whispering one to another,
Can find among their burning tears of love,
None so devotional as that of "Mother,"
Therefore, by that dear name I have long called you,
You who are more than mother unto me.
~Edgar Allan Poe


The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet

A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb

The Mechanics of Fear of the Unknown

From "Overcoming my Obstinance" by Joshua Freedman, 6 seconds

Good stuff

Zooming into the neurobiology, in a sense we have a tug-of-war between the striatum and the amygdala, between opportunity and risk. The striatum is part of the basal ganglia, a “bump” at the lower-back of the brain implicated in many aspects of decision-making as well as balance and navigation. Interestingly, this center seems to manage balance both in terms of physical motion and in terms of wisdom. The striatum, specifically, is tied to reward, novelty, and forward planning. When we’re looking ahead, anticipating with pleasure, and innovating the striatum is active.

However, when we’re anxious or uncertain, activity here decreases. For example, a team of neuroeconomists at Caltech ran an experiment with decision-making; as uncertainty increased, fear centers in the brain became more active while there was decreased activities in the striatum (Ming Hsu et al 2005).

Susan Dunn's Favorite Communication Operating Principles

Favorite Communication Operating Principles
by Susan Dunn

Virginia Sapir, a psychologist and pioneer in family counseling, wrote: "Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships he makes with others and what happens to him in the world about him."

With this in mind, I present some my favorite Communication Operating Principals.

1. "In order to understand what another person is saying you must assume it is true and try to imagine what it could be true of."
~ George Miller ~

2. "The first law of communication is: Assume you have been misunderstood."
~ Source Unknown ~

3. "Men can take up to 7 hours longer [than women] to process complex emotive data. [They] will not know what they feel at the moment of feeling and will take longer to figure it out. [They] may not be able to put their feelings in words - if they choose a verbal strategy at all."
~Michael Gurian, author of "What Could He Be Thinking" ~

4. "Verbal confrontation is as natural to men as walking or breathing, and as unconscious."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin, author of "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" ~

5. "There is a libraryful of research to indicate that logic is almost useless as a way of convincing people of anything."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

6. "Never use Hedges ('I know you'd never let me, but . '). They are exactly equivalent to wearing a big sign that say 'Please kick me - I would love to be a victim.'"
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

7. "If a man truly wants to communicate with his wife, he must enter her world of emotions."
~ Gary Smalley ~

8. "For parlor use, the vague generality is a life saver."
~ George Ade ~

9. "The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said."
~ Peter Drucker ~

10. "Sympathetic people often don't communicate well. They * back reflected images which hide their own depths."
~ George Eliot ~

11. "If you can always be taken by surprise because you have no idea what verbal aggression is or how to spot it, you are an ideal target."
~ Suzette Haden Elgin ~

12. "The genius of communication is the ability to be both totally honest and totally kind at the same time."
~ John Powell ~

Whether we're communicating at work, socially, or in an intimate relationship, and whether we're communicating thoughts or feelings, it's a strategy, a choice we make in an effort to accomplish something. And, it's good to remember - if you're there, you're communicating SOMETHING, whether you mean to or not.

Interpersonal skills are part of emotional intelligence and can be learned. Become aware of your communication style and work to improve it.

Emotional Intelligence

Great speaker on emotional intelligence
Keynote motivational speaker, Rachel Green, on emotional intelligence & self-confidence




Susan Dunn, Emotional Intelligence, can help you improve your emotional intelligence. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for programs, coaching, and resources.

Emotional Intelligence: Why It Matters

This could be the most important article your read this year about emotional intelligence, love, relationships, dating, and success.

What the science of human nature can teach us: newyorker.com

How to Attain Happiness in 2011

How to Attain Happiness in 2011?

First, as my father, the lawyer, would say, "Define your terms."

Happiness. How elusive it is for us. How do we define it? For many it is about "peak experiences" - getting that girl to marry you, or getting a big promotion at work.

For others it's worse - it's about having everything you want. All at once. Forever. Or else you refuse to be happy.

For most of us, it has to do with self-esteem. Happiness is ... well, UNhappiness is when you feel like a loser or a failure. It is difficult for us to avoid comparing ourselves to others, and/or comparing ourselves to former times when we were (richer, happier, better, healthier, thinner, prettier ) or to our own dashed, or not-yet-met expectations. There are also the parental edicts that we try to live up to.

Let's take a look at some of the latest research out of Duke University, which just makes sense. It is also one of the EQ competencies I teach in THE EQ FOUNDATION COURSE(tm) and in coaching. What is the key to happiness? Take a fresh look. And remember it next time you (1) lose another bluetooth; (2) get rejected by the man of your dreams and think you must have done something wrong; (3) make a poor decision; (4) snap at an innocent person out of anger; or otherwise behave like the imperfect human being that we all are.

If you want to add improving your EQ to your list of new year's resolutions, I'm here to help. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for more information. New classes starting weekly, all long-distance, affordable

and effective. Individualized instruction, with unlimited email support.

3 Steps to a Happier You is the name of a great new article by Meg Lundstrom appearing on
webmd. You can read the full article here:- http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/3-steps-happier-you?page=2.

"For greater peace of mind, learn the secrets to self-compassion" is the subtitle and it begins

"High self-esteem has long been touted by psychologists as the key to happiness and success. But these days, experts are questioning self-esteem's status as a personal cure-all - noting that it's hard to acquire, even harder to hang on to, and can lead to arrogance and narcissism."

It goes on to talk about what DOES create a "healthy, resilient psyche," (wait a minute ... is THAT the definition of 'happiness'?) and guess what it is? The old emotional intelligence competency we know as "BE ADAMANTLY AND RELENTLESSLY SELF-FORGIVING."

Step No. 1 is "realize that you're only human."
How many times we poor souls need to hear this. It never seems to sink in that we are -- like all humans -- fallible. We will make mistakes.

Keeping this in mind, and cutting yourself some slack, says the latest research from Duke University (which has done some great research in this field) - it's where the doctor works who wrote "Anger Kills") will make you feel "less anxious, depressed, and angry" which will, in turn, help you to recover faster.

If you raise your self-awareness (the cornerstone of emotional intelligence), and listen to your self-talk, you will hear how horribly you talk to yourself.

I often hear this from a client on the phone. "I'm so stupid. I just can't ever remember..."

I suspect that these are things you would never think of saying to someone else, and yet you allow YOU to say it to YOU.

One way to counteract this is to pick up a mantra such as, "That's funny, I'm usually very competent and remember where I put my keyes.'

See how much better you feel?(And how more realistic it is?)

Such harsh self-talk is evidence of what Freud would call "a harsh super-ego" and it is generally learned from how we have been talked to by our parents and other authority figures in our youth. Think about it. Now it's YOUR turn to take over.

Step 2 they call "Feel your pain." Don't push the bad feelings down, but don't dwell on them either. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK.

Psychology professor Kristin Neff, Ph.D., of the University of Texas at Austin, says, "...if you simply allow yourself to feel the emotion and let it run its course - which is often a wave that builds and tapers off - it dissipates much more quickly."

(Remember that our goal in emotional intelligence is - re: those negative feelings - to get there less often and more slowly, to stay there a shorter less intense time, and to recover more quickly and more completely - see THE EQ FOUNDATION COURSE[tm])(Who needs tips on handling the positive, pleasant emotions??)

Then there are those old things we KNOW we should do, and FORGET to do - taking deep breaths, focusing on bodily sensations, and the like.

Step No. 3 is about talking to yourself with kindness.

The article ends with: "Learning to be more loving toward yourself also brings a less obvious but equally important benefit: You'll soon find yourself extending that compassion to others and, in the process, making the world a kinder place."

Now THAT'S happiness.

Learn more about these and other tips for RESILIENCE and EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE with coaching or by taking THE EQ FOUNDATION COURSE(tm).

The New Staffing

The New Staffing by Coach Susan Dunn

If you've ever been in marketing, you know it's in your blood, and it never leaves. It's also innate to most successful business owners and managers; that constant monitoring of what's going on, with the eyes, ears, nose and throat of the consumer. I'm reminded of Conrad Hilton's wife who said she refused to travel with him. The founder of the Hilton chain, he couldn't enter a hotel without taking mental notes and giving a running commentary.

Having spent a number of years in marketing in my earlier career years, I'm the same way. I never walk into a store, hotel, or restaurant without moving into my "observing ego position" and noting my reactions as a consumer. In other words, I notice things.

Now, bad management is a no-brainer -- waiting 30 minutes for an appetizer, or being insulted or ignored by a sales clerk. But it's often the smaller, more subtle, mistakes that will cumulatively sink a business. When doing marketing for a living, I never took on an account without visiting the place and looking it over, preferably unannounced and incognito. It reveals a wealth of information you can't get from spreadsheets, intellectualized marketing plans, or conversations with "suits" located in a headquarters' office thousands of miles from the scene of the crime, as it were. It's crucial to be able to put on a "consumer" hat and find out what it feels like to walk into your organization or place of business and see how you're treated. Note: This is NOT the same as announcing that the CEO is coming for an inspection or a visit.

Many businesses are having problems these days with staffing and I saw a unique solution the other day. Establishments that run close to 24/7, and experience "peaks" and "lulls" face a particular challenge. Some have switched to offering 4- and 6-hour shifts to employees, but this had a new spin on it.

AN INTERESTING SOLUTION

I happened into my favorite cafeteria the other day after not having been there in a month or two, and it was like walking into a completely new place. I enjoy eating at this cafeteria now-and-then, for all the reasons people like a good cafeteria. I try and avoid peak times there, but I've hit them often enough to see what a challenge they have when people are lined up winding around to the door.

I usually go at an off-time, when there may be only 2 or 3 of us in line, and here's what happens. The 2 (or 3) of us grab our trays and then stand there. There's someone down by the vegetables, but obviously the salad isn't their thing. Eventually someone comes from the back (the kitchen) or the side (takeout orders) and gives us a salad. They disappear back to where they came from, and we move down to the meat, where there is again, no one. The vegetable person calls someone from the back. And so it goes.

When we get to the register at the end, there's no one there. This person may be out wiping tables, or in the kitchen filling those little plastic containers with horseradish. Later, when it's time to pay, it's the same thing. The person who should be at that register is not.

Therefore, paradoxically, it can take longer for me to complete the meal process at a lull time than at a peak time.

Last week I walked in at a lull time and couldn't believe what I saw. I loved it! Now - consider that as a consumer statement. The change was palpable and grabbed my attention and I knew, intuitively, it was a good one. Wouldn't you like that to happen in your place of business?

There were 5 fresh young faces behind the counter and they were smiling. I would say these teenagers serving the food were at the minimum legal age of hire. Those of us in line had smiles on our faces as the "kids" dished up the food, asked impossible questions, passed things the wrong way, and didn't seem overly concerned. My feeling, as a consumer who sometimes will complain to a manager, was "Now who am I going to yell at? Not these kids. How could you fuss? They don't know any better. And besides, they're pleasant"

Many consumer these days would trade a "pleasant" experience, to an "efficient" one.

Later when it was time to pay, there was another surprise. A gentleman sat solidly at the register slowly and carefully counting out the money offered him by the person in front of me, while being quite gracious. He had trouble telling a quarter from a nickel, but it all got worked out. He must have been over 70 years old. He looked sharp in his uniform shirt. My reactions, as a consumer, and concerned citizen of the US, were these, in no particular order: So many people can't live on social security or busted 401Ks these day, isn't it wonderful they hire seniors? This is going to be slow, so I might as well calm down. I don't want to put pressure on him, it would rattle him, and he'd go even slower."

A person of any age can have this sort of demeanor and aura, but one finds it more in seniors. After all, they've seen a real emergency, they know that most things work out, and they aren't about to fall for your "hurry up" vibes, because they know that "haste makes waste. So who am I going to yell at?

"Yelling at" is a figure of speech here. As a consumer, I expect certain things when I walk into an establishment hoping to spend my money there, and if it doesn't occur, I'm miffed. Sometimes I say something to the manager. Occasionally I'll write the corporate, though not just for a free gift certificate as some do, and I'm more likely to do it with praise than with criticism. Criticism is best addressed at the local level.

Most often I do what every business owner dreads. I express my dissatisfaction by never returning. They don't get a second chance. (Savvy managers love to hear customer complaints; that's how you learn what's working and what isn't, and, paradoxically, it's also how you get loyal customers. During my former years in public relations, I knew when I had a protestor on the phone, I had at least a 60-40 chance of converting them to a real fan.

THE DINING EXPERIENCE

From the minute I walked into the place, the atmosphere was different. What do you imagine was the difference in attitude and behavior in a staff consisting totally of people under 20, and people over 65? What would you think would be the pros and cons to yourself as manager or owner, and to the consumer? Here are some of the positives:

. Consumer expectations are radically changed. . Two age groups available for peak staffing and short shifts. . Two age groups grateful for work and often willing to work for less. . Two age groups not at the peak working years, so less likely to be in a state of current of pending burnout. . No one behind the counter is complaining that their feet or back hurt from standing for hours. . No one at the register is complaining that it's "confining" and "boring" to have to sit on a stool for hours. . Two age groups which really enjoy socializing and may prefer jobs with opportunities to visit and chat with co-workers and customers. . Two age groups which are generally more focused on the moment so, therefore, are less likely to be in a hurry or impatient with customers. . Two age groups the 35-50 year old consumer will relate to with nurturing instincts - they see their child or their parent behind the counter. . Two age groups not so likely to get "hired away" from you. . Two age groups that don't have small children at home.

Today's business demands require thinking outside the box, and I'll give this manager an A+ for innovation. I think he or she found a plan that will work.

About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Helping individuals and businesses improve their emotional intelligence for more success and wellness. Coaching, business programs, diversity, Internet courses and ebooks. I train and certify EQ coaches. Fast, affordable, comprehensive, no-residency program training coaches worldwide. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for more information or free ezine.

Processing the Holidays

It's mid-January, the holidays have settled in the dust, and it's a good time to process what went on.

This article by Susan Dunn is called "Dysfunctional Family Christmas"

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY CHRISTMAS?

The articles are starting to appear in print and on the Internet about how to cope with the holiday family get-togethers and the word 'dysfunctional' will be bandied about.

This article is about another way of looking at things I hope will be helpful. 'Dysfunction' refers to something that doesn't function the way it should; something that doesn't do what it's supposed to. 'Dys' means 'bad' or 'difficult.'

Now, unless you're a flaming extravert with a staff of 10 to help you, it may well be 'difficult.' Whether it will be 'bad' is another matter.

Thank heavens for Positive Psychology! Barring extremes, why not assume your holiday is functioning normally, that is, like everyone else's ' it isn't perfect, but it's functioning just fine.

How so? The reason we talk about 'peace on earth, goodwill to men' at Christmas is because it's an ideal. We pray for it because it exists so rarely, in brief moments only, or maybe a state of the heart. It's the song the angels sing.

Let's put a new spin on this by looking at the function of a family. The function of a family is to nurture, but it's also about learning to relate and deal with emotions. It's about imperfect you learning how to co-exist with imperfect others in an imperfect world, and it's the proving ground for getting out into the real world. It's where we learn many life lessons.

Some of them are what to do when we don't get what we want, how to fight and make up, how to share and how to get our share, how to comfort or soothe someone else or ourselves, what to do when other people are angry or when we are, and how to keep loving someone when we really don't like what they're doing. In other words how to deal with the ins and outs of interpersonal relating with resilience.

And what better place to experience this than at the family get-together? It will all be there. It always is.

The only totally calm, uneventful Christmas I participated in, where there were no tiffs and sputters and frustrations, everyone was numbed from a recent tragedy and simply going through the motions. We could've been in bed asleep, except we were sitting up, walking around, and talking. No one had the energy for either joy or anger. Perspective did not allow us to be upset that year that the gravy was lumpy.

Emotions are energy. They're part of life. The only thing worse than the ones we don't like, would be having none at all.

But even that was a functional celebration. Grief-stricken, we were together for support, and we were doing what we could about Christmas, which seemed an ugly charade, and some of them will. It worked. It won't be featured on the front cover of 'Saturday Evening Post,' painted by Norman Rockwell, but it will remain painted in our hearts.

Positive psychology refuses to focus on what's wrong; it looks at what's right, strong, and going well. If your family is together and your sister and brother are fighting again, well didn't they always? Isn't that what siblings do? Surely they have the sense to temper it a little in light of the occasion, but if they don't, ignore it, send them outside with the dogs, use your sense of humor and EQ, and get on with your own celebration.

If you start your Christmas get-together saying, 'It's Christmas, couldn't we all just get along for an hour or two? And Mother, will you please stop crying?' think about what you're requiring. Is your household one in which it's implicit that certain emotions are not welcome (anger, disappointment, fear, sorrow)?

Of course no one in their right mind would begin by saying, 'Okay, everybody fight! Get ready, get set, Go!' But toy with that notion for a moment. What do you think would happen if you did? By welcoming it, you take away its power. Even if you said this to two preschoolers, they'd probably giggle.

It's traditional in my family that the kids are always sick at Christmas. We live in South Texas; it's allergy time. However, it has traveled with us as well! This is the one thing we can count on. It's also traditional that some of us are tired and overwrought, and the more highstrung ones will be decompensating. Some of the kids are this way too.

I remember one Christmas when I was a kid when my folks just suddenly brought the whole thing to a halt and put us all to bed for a nap. That's sensible!

There are other 'traditions' I won't go into, but let's just say people don't leave their regular personalities at home when they venture out at Christmas time.

It may be the tradition in your household that Granny will complain about the commercialism of Christmas (she always does), Uncle Fred and Aunt Mary won't be talking to one another (they never do), and Candee will be dressed inappropriately (just to embarrass her parents). Is the further tradition that you worry about these things or in some way try to prevent them happening? That might be one tradition you'd like to change this year. You might as well try and stop the tide, and you'll only make yourself miserable about being miserable.

You could also rid your mind of the 'nevers' and 'always.' People do surprise us. It has been said 'you can't go home again' because things change. It won't be there when you get there. Maybe this year Granny will have made her peace with commercialism. Ya never know.

Am I talking about extreme circumstances and crises? They can happen too. In our minds Christmas Day is something special, but in the grand scheme of things, it's a day when things that happen on any day can happen. I know several people who, sadly, had a relative die on Christmas Day, one even right at the dinner table.

The only thing you can control ' better to say 'manage' ' is your response to things that happen. You can't control what happens.

If things are really bad, you know it, and you need to do something about it, and I hope you will. Get therapy, prescribe therapy, don't show up, go with your loving partner on a cruise, or don't invite the cousin who needs to be in rehab and tell him why and pray for him.

But if it's like it is for most of us, somewhat unpredictable and nutty enough to be real, I hope you have a great, albeit imperfect Christmas, and keep your expectations flexible and low and your emotional intelligence high.

I'm thinking of the first Christmas after my son died. 'Have a Christmas,' one of my sensitive friends told me. I did. You can too.

About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA, Personal Life Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Offering coaching, Internet courses and ebooks for your personal and professional development. Relationships, career, emotional intelligence, transitions. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free EQ ezine. Become a certified EQ coach. Email for info.

Elephant Rescue - Limbic Brain

From Susan Dunn's THE EQ COURSE(tm) which can help you increase your emotional intelligence. Email sdunn@susandunn.cc to find out how to sign up for this online course, self-paced, adult learning. Individual emotional intelligence coaching also available.

We share the limbic brain with all mammals. The limbic brain is what enables this sort of behavior.

This video called Elephants Have Friends Too, is about an elephant in distress and other elephants come to its aid. This is the limbic connection at work. We share the limbic brain with all mammals.

Elephants Have Friends Too - Funny blooper videos are here

Otello, a story of emotional intelligence gone bad

Susan Dunn the EQ Coach talks about Otello (Othello) the story of emotional intelligence gone bad



Is one of your New Year's resolutions to improve your emotional intelligence? If so, please let me help you. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc to learn about the numerous products, services, programs and tools I offer, along with personal coaching.

here is Niun Mi Tema, Verdi, from the opera Otello

Emotional Intelligence, Marriage and Your health

10 Questions to Ask When You're Considering Marrying Someone from the EQ Coach, Susan Dunn

what are we going to do about anger?

Susan Dunn, EQ Coach, talks about anger

Want to work on your anger in 2011? Email Susan at sdunn@susandunn.cc for information on courses and long-distance programs to help you improve your emotional intelligence. Take THE EQ COURSE and improve your success in the coming year.

How Emotional Intelligence Contributes to Success

Great emotional intelligence - EQ - videos

Notes from an interesting article on Emotional Intelligence and folks over 60 years of age. See the full article HERE.

Emotional Intelligence Peaks as We Enter our 60s Research Suggests is the name of the article.

Older people have a hard time keeping a lid on their feelings, especially when viewing heartbreaking or disgusting scenes in movies and reality shows, psychologists have found. But they're better than their younger counterparts at seeing the positive side of a stressful situation and empathizing with the less fortunate, according to research from the University of California, Berkeley.

Thus begins the article.

Notes

-- research was by UC Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson

-- changes as we age can give older people an advantage in the workplace and in personal relationships.

"Increasingly, it appears that the meaning of late life centers on social relationships and caring for and being cared for by others," Levenson said. "Evolution seems to have tuned our nervous systems in ways that are optimal for these kinds of interpersonal and compassionate activities as we age."

-- older people are better at reinterpreting negative scenes in positive ways using positive reappraisal, a coping mechanism that draws heavily on life experience and lessons learned.

-- younger participants were better at using "detached appraisal" to tune out and divert attention away from unplesant scenes

-- this approach draws heavily on the prefrontal brain's "executive function," a mechanism responsible for memory, planning and impulse control and that diminishes as we age

You can see this is a fascinating article. Check it out.

Why We Lust and Why We Love

"I never knew until we were married."

CHOOSING YOUR MARRIAGE PARTNER
from Susan Dunn, Dating and Relationship Coach

Probably the most important decision you will ever make in your life is the person that you marry, and from all reports, making a good choice in this area appears to be getting even more complicated. Our 50% divorce rate speaks to this. And, more dour, is the fact that this rate is raised due to the VERY high rate of failed second marriages, i.e., those who can't choose right the first time (or create a lasting relationship) fail to do so the second time.

I just finished reading a book that claims your strongest attraction (let's call it lust) is for someone who reminds you of a relationship you had with a parent. They contend this does not always make for someone you can comfortably live with.

The other choice, according to the authors, one of whom is a psychologist, is to choose someone for which the attraction is not so strong.

These are two options, yes, but I take issue with one of the premises.

NATURE KNOWS A GOOD NICHE
If you've ever been around dog breeders, you will know the phrase, "Nature knows a good niche." This is an explanation for why some female dogs will not allow male dogs to breed with them. The gist of the saying is that the female knows that male dog isn't going to make good puppies for her.

Studies show that many of our mating patterns and courtship patterns are hard-wired. They do not relate so much to nurture (your parents, or reason, or words, as they do to hard-wired evolutionary things. I think our strongest attractions ("lust") are for those where, well, nature is knowing a good niche, i.e., perhaps this might be nature's way of telling you who you might make good kids with. Whether or not you buy that theory, the question remains -- Is this a reason to marry someone?

No, it is not.

There has to be a certain amount of physical attraction, obviously, but you have to think hard about who you can live with -- daily. And with whom you can raise those kids.

WE FOUGHT OVER THE KIDS
Lately in doing dating coaching, I've heard more men say that they divorced (or were divorced) "because we fought over the child-raising."

It's a good idea to check out the other person's values, and observe how they live their lives and treat other people before you take that big step. Time is one crucial ingredient, and then seeing the other person in a variety of life situations.

One male client of mine married a woman of another faith, let's call it XX. He said, "The funny thing is, I didn't even know she was XX until we had kids. Then suddenly all our friends had to be XX, everything had to be done the way XX's do things."

Can you tell this sort of thing before? Well, it helps to get some consultation. Call me for coaching - relationship, dating, emotional intelligence, transitions, decision-making.

Choosing a life partner, spouse, or mate is serious business. When you're dating and trying to choose a spouse, let me guide you. Call me at 817-734-1471 or email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc and let's start the new year off right.

From Rose Marie:

Never Be Disappointed Again

“Your intuition is your guiding light.”

Your intuition is your quiet inner voice. It helps you make decisions, gives you direction and acts as your guide.

Intuition talks to you in different ways. Sometimes it’s a strong feeling or an inner “knowing.” Sometimes it’s a sudden flash of inspiration or a moment of clarity. No matter how intuition speaks to you, know it always wants the best for you.

Next time you’re faced with an important decision, calm your mind, let go of self-serving emotions or thoughts and let your intuition speak. At first, it may be subtle. But, with awareness and practice, you can recognize it instantly.

Trust your intuition to be your guiding light. It will never disappoint you!

Today’s Affirmation: I trust my intuition.

Traditions are What Give our Life Stability

Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach

SPRING IS COMING. EASTER IS COMING.

I think of my Mom's potato salad, dying eggs with my children, the years our bird dog spent all Easter morning 'pointing' the eggs we'd hidden Al fresco brunches with fresh strawberry crepes which later gave way to dining room formalities of lamb roast with mint jelly, and fresh asparagus, then evolving back to ham, potato salad and deviled eggs, like my Mom. The years my sons and I celebrated in the Florida Keys, now celebrating with my son's in-laws, grilling out in the back yard. Religious services, spring bonnets, orchid corsages and Easter lilies. Customs particular to South Texas ' bluebonnets and Indian paintbrushes along the highway, cascarones and Fiesta, and finally, PEEPS®!

TRADITIONS

Traditions are what give our life stability and meaning and keep us in the rhythm of life. They give us something to look forward to, something to count on, and something to change when we want to, move, or add new family members! Traditions can always be changed or re-created. In fact, many of our transitions in life involve redoing traditions. EASTER/SPRING

Some of us will celebrate Easter as a religious holiday, others as a secular celebration. It's simply in our blood to rejoice in the springtime. Easter began when the ancient Saxons celebrated the return of spring with a festival in honor of Eastre, their goddess of fertility and spring. Her symbol was the rabbit! It's the custom in most cultures to celebrate the vernal equinox with various symbols of fertility and rebirth, such as rabbits and eggs!

Easter is the first Sunday following the first full moon, which falls on or after the vernal equinox, March 21st. There it falls between March 22nd and April 25th.

CASCARONES?

Is it (a) a waterfall in Northern Mexico, (b)a rare species of Easter orchid, (c)a large South American rodent, or (d) none of the above.

The answer is d.

Cascarones are hollowed-out eggshells filled with confetti. The tradition in the Southwest and Mexico is to crack them over your friends' heads, and the person with the most confetti in their hair is the most loved!

Check out this great cascarones tutorial: http://www.epicurious.com/e_eating/e04_easter/cooking_class.html .

Each year in April, San Antonio puts on FIESTA, which sometimes coincides with Easter ' weeks of festivities. Roadside vendors, grocery stores and upscale boutique sell cascarones. I used to mail them to my son when he was in college in Seattle, and wondered what the Washingtonians would think.

It's believed Marco Polo brought them to Mexico. You can order yours here, just $5.50: http://www.latinworksco.com/cascarones.html .

EASTER LILIES

The Easter Lily originated in Japan, but today, 95% of the bulbs used for the potted Easter Lilies we give, and receive, come from 10 farms along the California/Oregon border. They're grown in various other places, including Michigan. Did you know growers can count the leaves to determine when the plants will flower? Is there anything more fragrant?

CHOCOLATE

I eagerly await the annual spring ballotin from Lady Godiva: http://www.godiva.com/welcome.asp . Is the chocolate bunny more your speed? http://www.chocolatevault.com/easterbunworks.htm has chocolate bunnies, lambs, crosses, hens, roosters, loloes, Easter cards, you name it!

PEEPS® 50 Years of Divine Madness

Some year along the way, 'Peeps®' became a part of our Easter tradition. They're aren't in the house, we don't eat them, but they're v. much a part of the experience. And this year it's the 50th anniversary of Peeps®.

The 'San Francisco Chronicle' noted that over 600 million of these little marshmallow things will be produced, riding on a wave of 'kitsch and nostalgia drawn from two influential demographic pools.'

True in my household! I, the Baby Boomer, include them in baskets because that's what my parents did; my son, the Generation Xer, joins his peers in investigating all that a Peep® is, and all a Peep® can be.

Among the many mouth-watering recipes for Peeps® is Blue Peep® Pie which calls for blue gelatin, Caracao, and 15 blue Peeps®. 'Snip apart each family of Peeps®,' it says. 'Arrange in concentric circles atop pie filling. Use fresh blueberries to fill in gaps between Peeps®.' Full recipe is here: http://recipes.alastra.com/holidays/blue-peep-pie.txt . WHAT CAN YOU DO BESIDES EAT A PEEP®?

'I'm glad I'm not the only one who's tried toasting peep!' writes a list member of Gail's Recipe Swap Archive. 'I recently toasted some over a gas stove burner and got pretty good results. The key is to blow them out immediately when they catch on fire''

'Creative alternative uses' are listed on http://www.epicurious.com : 'Pre-Easter fresh Peeps® can be moistened in punch cups and then used around the kitchen window as cheery caulking. You can color coordinate this with your kitchen.'

Eat your heart out, Martha!

Various forms of Peeps® abuse also take place and are noted on the Internet: April Showers is here: http://www.marks.networktel.net/main.html .

Gen Xers may be seeking a Peeps® screensaver: http://www.marshmallowpeeps.com/about/screensaver.html or to send a Peeps ® ecard: http://www.marshmallowpeeps.com/about/screensaver.html .

Created by Just Born, Inc., they've been joined by Peeps® Marshmallow Jelly Beans. You'll understand the 'creative alternative uses' for Peeps®' when I report that tasters at epicurious.com 'found the marshmallow-fruit combo overwhelmingly sweet. Comparisons were made to Pledge® wood cleaner, bad bubble gum, and lavender soap.'

Wait a minute. Does that mean someone knows what Pledge® wood cleaner tastes like?

NOW VISITING A LOCATION NEAR YOU: The Peep® Fun Bus

It's coming to San Antonio, April 14-20! To find out when it's coming your way, go here: http://www.marshmallowpeeps.com/50_anniversary/fun_bus.html , or call the hotline: 1-866-270-9638. You can even request it for your special event or festival.

Heck, that's worth creating a festival for!

Q&A

Q: What do you have to do to get a year's supply of Peeps®? A: Win the Easter basket contest: http://www.marshmallowpeeps.com/50_anniversary/contest.html

Q: What's a 'year's supply' of Peeps®? A: 365 packages.

Q: What do the contest losers get? A: 2 years' supply of Peeps. j.k.

WHAT TO SERVE ALONG WITH YOUR PEEPS® FOR EASTER DINNER?

Will it be ham or lamb? Go here to cast your vote: http://epi.advance.net/forums/hamorlamb/ In south Texas, it's customary to cook out. The parks are full. Not having done this myself, I don't know for sure, but I think neither ham NOR lamb is involved.

I think I'll revert to haute cuisine this year. Rack of Lamb with Spinach Pine-Cut Crust and Minted pea Sauce, Hibiscus-Marinated Leg of Lamb (featuring dried nontoxic and organic hibiscus flowers, Red Zinger tea, garlic, olive oil, red current jelly), Lavender Crème-Caramel Tart, Asparagus Napoleons with Oriental Black Bean Sauce, Hot Cross Buns ' ahhh '. sounds well worth the effort to me. Visit: http://www.epicurious.com/e_eating/e04_easter/eastermenu.html for the menus. Or you may wish to have a Vegan Easter. Go here http://www.veganfamily.co.uk/easter.html#uk and you'll hear 'Easter Parade' playing.

EASTER BONNET

·Get your brightly colored Panama hat here, http://www.latinworksco.com/decolores.html

·Recipe for Easter bonnet cookies here, http://familyfun.go.com/recipes/special/feature/famf0401boncook/f amf0401boncook.html

·Attend the Easter Bonnet Rod Run, Oak Ridge Tennessee, http://www.easterbonnetrodrun.com/, 'Ladies bring your finest Easter bonnet, and Men, dress up your bonnet on your car' ·Attend the Annual Easter Bonnet and Hat Parade in San Diego, http://www.softops.org/easter.html

YES, HERE COMES PETER COTTONTAIL --

And last, but not least, the songs from our childhood. 'Here comes Peter Cottontail, hoppin' down the bunny trail, hippity hoppin', Easter's on its way. He's got jelly beans for Tommy, colored eggs for sister Sue, There's an orchid for your mommy, and an Easter bonnet too.

Originally sung by Gene Autry ( http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00003W8B9/susandunnmome-2 0 ) and you can listen to it here: http://www.dobhran.com/greetings/GReaster2.htm . SPRING CLEANING

Surely this is a time to spring clean ' your house, car, office, garden, mind, and spirit! Get the weeds out, turn the soil, add some fertilizer, water and sunshine, plants seeds, prepare for blossoms. Rebirth yourself ' come back to life!

About the author: EQ Coach', licensed Accountability Coach'. Emotional intelligence coaching, Internet courses, EQ assessments, business EQ culture programs, products available for licensing, training for EQ coaches. www.susandunn.cc, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine. Affiliates in UK, Australia, Malaysia. Ofrece coaching personal y cursos de Internet sobre inteligencia emotional (EQ). Se habla espanol.

The Harp: Emotional Intelligence and Healing

THE HARP - an appropriate topic for Christmas time

Some say the harp is the most healing instrument -- both to listen to, and to play. Read about HEALING STRINGS - serving the critically and chronically ill and the dying, providing harp music at the bedside from the neonatal ICU to Hospice.

"It took me away from the hospital to a place to beauty and stillness." - a post-op patient

Why the harp? It has centuries of archetypal associations to angels, peace, healing, comfort, the end of suffering, and

... Heaven.



Why the harp?

It's wide pitch range (low C-32.703 Hz to high G-3136.0 Hz), vibrates the entire body;

It's unique glissando technique, using enharmonic tones, is heavenly;

Pythagoras saw the strings as symbols of the nervous system and plucking the strings appears to release tension;

Playing the harp vibrates the harpist's body, especially the thymus gland which is in the chest and important to the immune system

Even as long as 3,000 years ago, we understood the relationship between the music of the harp and the healing of the body and mind.

Recent medical studies have confirmed that the particular frequencies and sounds of the harp can aid healing and foster well-being.

This is true of other instruments and of classical music.



Susan Dunn, the EQ Coach also offer Club Vivo Per Lei

The Best Christmas Gift You Can Give Yourself: Simplicity

I had to laugh when I read that quote recently. I particularly remember a time in my merry life when I had two sons, 3 dogs, my clothes filled two
closets in my home, I owned Madeleine pans, exotic juicers, a regular and a gourmet coffeemaker, 3 sets of flatware, 10 tableclothes, 10 sets of placemats for 6 or 8, and formal china tablesettings for 12 … and most "cluttering" of all, a social calendar that was unmanageable.

Life is a series of stages, and there is the "acquiring" stage.

However, there came a point where I felt overwhelmed by my "blessings" and took a look at what was going on. At the time, my boyfriend, who was a stock broker, kept saying, "Simplify, simplify." He lived what I considered a "Sparten existence."

It caused me to take a look at the whole picture. I was exhausted all the time. I went to a therapist; too bad there weren't coaches then. She said I was "trying to do too much." I interpreted it that I wasn't capable of handling all these things, and redoubled my efforts.

Coaches make things more clear. "Why are you doing what doesn't bring you pleasure?" would've been the question to ask. Eventually I asked myself that question and here are some of the things I did.

THE CLOTHES
I was still operating from an old childhood scarcity-mentality. I never had "enough" clothes in high school, not because my parents couldn't afford it, just that they didn't want to spend their money on that. I started babysitting rigorously to buy myself clothes and makeup and stuff. Not a bad thing to do, but I realized that
time was over. I gave a number of things to Goodwill, set aside a space-allotment, and stuck to it.

I did have to "dress" for my profession at the time (PR), so I chose two outfits I could accessorize in infinite ways. Scarves, jewelry and pins take far less storage space!

THE DOGS
Two were strays we had "adopted," under pressure from my good-hearted son. However, they were difficult dogs, not having been well-raised, and took far more work than our original family pet. I decided to give up this rescuing mentality and at the same time educate my children. We found good homes for two of them, and the family pact was "no more." We stuck with our one chosen, well-cared for, and well-trained dog.

THE ENTERTAINING WARE
That's a hard one. It's been an abiding interest and love in my life, to entertain with all the accoutrements. I decided that was an okay hobby, but to stick with what I had for a long time. How many sets of Christmas tablemats does one really
need?

THE COOKWARE
Life is choices. I could eliminate a lot of these things by turning to fast food, eating out, less elaborate meals. I decided this was not something
to sacrifice. There are health benefits to wok cooking, steamers, double boilers, etc., and "happy" benefits to beautiful Bundt cakes. My youngest son particularly enjoyed the camaraderie of a fondue meal. Our family dinners were fun for all of us, and a good thing, and I didn't want to sacrifice that for "convenience."

Not everything in the enriched life should be "efficient."

THE FINANCIAL PICTURE
My stocks were scattered all over the place, and we consolidated. It seemed risky to me to "put all my eggs in one basket," but we did, and it resulted in a nice financial gain.

THE ORGANIZATION
I decided it wasn't all that I had that was the problem - many of them were valuable to me and my lifestyle - it was the organization of it all.

One thing I did was buy containers, for instance, "fall decorations" and got everything in one place. I added to the box my apparel for that time of year - autumn sweaters, accessories, and jewelry. I labeled them clearly, stacked them in one place, and felt better about it all.

I tackled the gift-producing area. I had a bow maker, rolls of paper, ribbons, ready for every occasion. It was a time when the boys would be invited to a birthday party quite suddenly, and it kept me from "running out" at the last minute to buy the wrapping. This I decided to eliminate.
The storage space required and the clutter were not worth it, and it seemed I never had the right thing anyway. I bought 10 generic gift bags with white tissue, appropriate for any age or occasion.

Also, seeing myself "burdened" by the gifts coming my way - that teddy bear statuette just wasn't "me" even if it was expensive crystal - I switched
to what I call "disposable" gifts. Sending someone a floral arrangement, or a basket of fruit, or a Honey-baked ham would note the occasion, but it would "go away" and they wouldn't
have to find a place for it.

I have never been comfortable giving money, but gift certificates seemed possible. It showed at least a little "thought" and "effort," the two things I find missing in gifts of money. (Not that I've ever refused one!)

For those with no material needs whatsoever, I would donate money to a charity close to their heart. That is greatly appreciated by most people. Charities list in their newsletter the
gifts made in honor of, or in memory of, others, and that's a nice touch.

Re: the people in my life, I took a look at the investment-return ratio. Some of them, I had to admit, were a drain. With me being in a helping profession, some were "using" me for free counseling, while making no improvements in their lives, and that didn't give me the friendship I needed, or provide for them the counseling or
coaching they needed.

I made a list of the people who really meant something to me, with whom I had strong mutual bonds, and I whittled away at the ones who didn't contribute anything to my life. We call this in coaching, "getting rid of tolerations." Yes, people can be "tolerations" and I think this is one of the more important "ah hahs" Thomas Leonard, the founder of coaching, gave to the world.

I eliminated immediately the ones who were a negative drain on me, and took a closer look at ones wanting entry. I quietly discouraged some "friendships" from ever occurring in the first place. Life is choices.

I believe that our lives are greatly influenced by the 5 people we spend the most time with. I made sure the Top 5 were the ones I wanted and needed them to be.

META-THEORY
I decided to slow myself down at the checkout counter. I disciplined myself for 6 months. I would not make any impulse buys. I would go home and consider it. Usually it wasn't worth the effort to go back.

I would not go shopping to "window shop." There's no such thing! There's always something attracts my eye I think I "must have."

Shopping would be a necessity for essentials, not Saturday afternoon entertainment for me and the kids.

I put more thought into the things I gave others so as to slow the flow into their lives as well.

READY FOR THE NEW YEAR
As you participate in, or observe, the shopping frenzy of the holiday season. Ask yourself, "Why am I doing this?"

Good reasons are:
·It's meaningful
·I enjoy it
·I know it's something I can afford and know it's
something they need or would like

Bad reasons are:
·I don't know why
·To keep up with the Joneses
·Because I always have
·Because you're supposed to

Oserve closely your own behavior. That's the beginning of making positive changes.

It's the emotionally intelligent thing to do!

Holiday Survival Guide for Introverts

If you're an introvert, celebrate the holidays YOUR way! None of that dancing on the table with a lampshade on the head for YOU! The holidays are a stressful time, but especially so for introverts (roughly 10% of the population).

One of the most important things you can know about yourself is whether you're an introvert or extravert, and how to enhance your life according to your natural tendencies.
If you're an introvert, here are some tips for a more enjoyable holiday season.
Allow extra time for sleep, rest, and quiet relaxation so you can recharge. When the world reves up even higher, it will get to you even more than usual.
Nobody has to accept every holiday invitation, in fact it's best to be discriminatory so you don't overdo. If you're an introvert, this applies double for you. It's okay to turn down party invitations!

Get PROACTIVE. If you sense an invitation coming, or if you want to, or must, celebrate with someone, jump the gun (which isn't your style) and channel it YOUR way. Invite someone to a concert, or the ballet. Think "time-limited." If you invite someone to lunch and then a concert, you know when it will begin and end and this eliminates some stress. Not so an Open House! Christmas Eve is also a good time to take your turn having the family over, as it's usually more peaceful, and nobody stays late.

When an introvert must attend a party or family gathering, it's best to plan ahead. Sometimes it works well to work out just before the gathering or take a nap. Whatever refreshes you. Experiment and find out! Then arriving at the party on time and greeting everyone makes your presence known and then you can disappear. It's also good to smile and reassure people you're having a good time, or else they'll become concerned -- since introverts show it different and are often under stress -- so people will be reassured and you won't get any more unwanted attention.
There are little tricks like bringing your camera and appointing yourself the official photographer, or being in charge of the music and spending a lot of time changing CDs. Also, then, the introvert can choose their own style of music.
What to do about the dreaded OFFICE PARTY ? They are really command performances and can be a strain. Volunteer immediately to do a job that requires working alone (such as being in charge of the invitations), or volunteer to sit at the sign-in table, which can take half the night. It allows for the kind of structured socializing that introverts often prefer.

After a party or family-gathering, take a warm bubble bath, or a nice evening walk - something to help you unwind and self-soothe. Your extraverted husband may drive home talking all the way and then plop into bed and start snoring immediately. Not you!

Everyone's entitled -- of course! -- to celebrate the holidays in ways they like. Another option is to save up vacation time and leave town -- a quiet cabin in the mountains with some good books and music and a loved one (or not), or maybe taking a cruise. You don't have to put up lights and frenzy - you can enjoy other people's when you get the urge, and you can shut it down, tune it out, and turn it off. You can choose your own level of stimulation.

Introverts also need to be alert to protect themselves from boundary violations. They are often "ready targets" at parties for loud, aggressive people, simply because they're quiet and often sensitive and considerate. Also for people who are agitated and want to be around a soothing person, or anyone looking for an "audience". Sitting alone in a corner leaves you prey to people you may find annoying and you can get cornered; getting up and moving around and choosing with whom you interact is the proactive way to handle this. Be a moving target!
You can also find ways to busy yourself at a party or gathering that allow you time alone -- helping out in the kitchen, passing hors d'oeuvres, taking out the wrapping paper trash and garbage, taking coats and wraps to the bedroom, or disappearing to the playroom with the children are some options.

Another part of the holidays that's stressful for everyone but may be more so for introverts is when multiple family appearances are required on one day, such as hitting every relative's house on Christmas Day. Best to establish the policy that you're going to do it one year at a time -- this year this house, next year the next.

There are many things introverts can do to help themselves enjoy the holidays more. Get proactive and make decisions early on!