Monday, October 31, 2005
Assertiveness Techniques: http://tutorials.freeskills.com/read/id/430/headline/Assertiveness+Techniques
Active Listening: http://tutorials.freeskills.com/read/id/435/headline/Active+Listening
Setting Objectives & Achievable Outcomes:
FREE: A pre-made Goal Plan or Create Your Own: For husband, wife, partner, personal finance, career, leadership, personal growth, interests, JOY, leisure, recreation and more! http://www.mygoals.com/index.html?1418
I was talking with someone today who was asking me about her sister, whose hair is falling out. She's only 35 years old. Turns out the sister had sustained a series of very stressful events - divorce, child custody battle, her mother was ill, and then she lost her job. Emotions effect our immune system, which is our health; and hair problems relate quite often to general nutrition. She needs a good neutraceutical. We recommend Arbonne's GET WELL SOON DIETARY SUPPLEMENT, a technologically advanced formula scientifically proven to enhance the immune system.
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Friday, October 28, 2005
GETTING BULLIED? TRY SOME EQ COACHING. WE HAVE ANSWERS!
EQ IN JACK-O-LANTERN LAND
Will it make you happy? Most people are about as happy as they decide to be, and most people don't know how to decide to be.
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Thursday, October 27, 2005
PLEASE SPEND AS LONG AS YOUR CAN, HOWEVER LONG IT TAKES, TRYING TO UNTIE THIS KNOT. THAT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN POSSIBLY DO IT. THINK AND STRUGGLE. IF YOU'RE PATIENT ...
The Gordian Knot ...
I've always loved this myth. It's a great picture of Alexander, support for the liberal arts education (a la Aristotle), the glimpse of the thought processes of a great leader, whom you might otherwise think to be action-oriented. Well actually he was. There's a time to think and a time to act.
If you know the story, enjoying thinking on it again. If it's new to you ... enjoy! And apply it for the Gordian knots in your life. We could call it "thinking outside the circle!"
Untying the Gordian Knot
One day, according to ancient Greek legend, a poor peasant called Gordius arrived with his wife in a public square of Phrygia in an ox cart. As chance would have it, so the legend continues, an oracle had previously informed the populace that their future king would come into town riding in a wagon. Seeing Gordius, therefore, the people made him king. In gratitude, Gordius dedicated his ox cart to Zeus, tying it up with a highly intricate knot - - the Gordian knot. Another oracle -- or maybe
the same one, the legend is not specific, but oracles are plentiful in Greek mythology -- foretold that the person who untied the knot would rule all of Asia.
The problem of untying the Gordian knot resisted all attempted solutions until the year 333 B.C., when Alexander the Great arrived. Having been told of the legend, he proceeded to look at the knot for a minute and then draw his sword and cut through it with one slice of the blade.
Now one of the sites I went to for this legend says at this point, "'Cheat' you might cry."
I hope your first thought was, "Darn! I wish I'd thought of that," or "How clever."
Someone who would say, "Unfair!" is excessively rule bound and will likely make it to CFO, but never to CEO. This is the kind of thinking leaders must have.
The narrator continued with, "Alexander's solution did seem to go againt the spirit of the problem. Like we're supposed to make something harder than need tbe? To deliberately sabotage ourselves by limited thinking.
Alexander was a former student of Aristotle (see my section on TEACHERS on the Club Vivo Per Lei site.
This "problem" is similar to the ancient Greek problem of squaring the circle, whicih is easy to solve, as long as don't try and use the obvious tools - the ruler and compass.
Using a compass and a ruler, it is impossible to construct a square within the same area as a given circle. And that knot Alexander saw, could not be untied ... or at least he saw a quicker, better way.
Take home point: When all you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. The more you educate yourself, the more you develop all parts of your brain, and become whole-brained, the better you are going to be at solving problems.
They are not, as Einstein said, created on the same plane as their solution is likely to be.
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Wednesday, October 26, 2005
BRAIN POWER, THAT'S WHAT WE LOVE! LASTING BRAIN POWER.
So you develop your emotional intelligence, you take a good dietary supplement, you work out ... what else can you do?
Eat these things, according to an article on msn.today from Psychology Today:
"Some edibles are especially good at protecting the brain’s delicate nerve cells and blood vessels from the damage that accompanies aging," the article says. "Most of them squelch free radicals, the renegade oxygen molecules spun off as the brain goes about the business of the mind. Most of the foods that are smartest for the brain are also good for the heart because both rely on a steady oxygen supply. The risks for cardiovascular disease correlate with risks for cognitive decline."
Number One on the list is BLUEBERRIES.
Sweet wild blueberries are bursting with antioxidants, which mop up nasty free radicals. Studies of rats show that a blueberry-rich diet improves memory and motor skills and reverses age-related declines in balance and coordination. Chemicals in blueberries affect the contractile machinery of arteries, and therefore have a good affect on blood pressure. Elevated blood pressure can damage delicate blood vessels in the brain and can lead to strokes.
Others making the top ten are dark leafy greens, salmong, sardines and herring, spinach, red wine, whole grain and brown rise, hot cocoa, nuts, particularly almonds and walnuts, garlic, and olive oil.
FOR THE WHOLE ARTICLE, GO HERE: http://articles.health.msn.com/id/100108099
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
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Monday, October 24, 2005
Ah, the thing that makes us the maddest of all ... she's done herself in! Self-sabotage.
According to an article in today's WSJ, women's failures to advance to the top ranks of the Fortune 500 top earners is all their own fault.
Nope, we can't really blame it on men.
It isn't because women are reluctant to put in the 80-hr. workweeks required.
It isn't because they're too concentrated in staff jobs like PR to learn profit-and-loss.
It isn't that they don't know how to play golf (the silliest one of all).
It isn't because men "lead" better than women.
Nope, it turns out it's all in the woman's head!
What's happened, says the latest Catalyst (NY research group) study, is that women have "bought" men's lines. Says WSJ quoting the survey, "Women internalize many of the stereotypes men have about them as less-effective leaders."
NOW ISN'T THAT A CALL FOR EQ! You've gotten the degrees, the experience, the job, the promotions, you're good at what you do, maybe even better than the guy down the hall ... now do you want to stall-out by virtue of your own hand (and head), i.e., the most insidious form of self-sabotage??
The "feedback" that gets internalized that's so harmful to women, is just the kind you need to use your EQ against.
Have you read Sun Tzu? Sounds like Tactical Disposition, to me.
NOTICE: If your first instinct was to say, "It's men's fault," and then, after reading further to say "Now I'm even more convinced it's men's fault!" then you must work on your EQ.
It isn't anyone's "fault" (but your own) that you can't resist taking the bait, keep falling for the same lines men start giving you at about age 14, can't refuse to take the monkey, can't stay centered, and worst of all, abdicate your sense of personal power because you can't see clearly who's "fault" it is.
This sort of work you need an EQ coach for. Can't afford it? You sure can't if you can't keep climbing up the ladder, the stumbling over your own mind, I mean feet! This is self-sabotage.
BTW, a good portion of my coaching practice is spot-calls. If you think you're about to self-sabotage, or not thinking clearly, or can't figure it out, pick up the phone and call. I'll tell you.
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Friday, October 21, 2005
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ANGER KILLS ... AND HOSTILITY IS ANGER WITH TEETH
ANGER KILLS. We've heard this often enough, but what are we to do about it? It's normal to get angry in certain circumstances, and justified. One thing Dr. Redford Williams (who wrote the book Anger Kills) tells his patients to do is to ask themselves if being held up in traffic is worth a heart attack, or if a teenager coming in 30 minutes late is worth dying over.
We know that hostile people are walking time bombs. What's a hostile person? Here is some information from Coping.org. Visit their site to learn more, and enjoy their copious coping tools.
WHEN I AM HOSTILE I AM:
sarcastic, filled with bitter humor.
biting and acerbic in my criticism of others.
cynical and unmoved
suspicious and often unlikable
defensive, paranoid, and self-protective
untrusting and disbelieving in others
self-focused rather than other-focused
see site for more
HOSTILITY CAN RESULT IN PHYSICAL EXPERIENCES OF:
tightness in my chest.
throbbing in my heart.
warm blush in my face.
high blood pressure.
see site for more
HOSTILITY CAN RESULT IN EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES OF:
fear and confusion regarding the reactions and opinions of others.
disinterest in the feelings of others.
wanting to have attention drawn to me.
wanting to be given sympathy.
see site for more
HOSTILITY IS AROUSED IN ME WHEN I:
consider all the inequities of life.
realize the perversity of people, business, or politics.
consider the offensive treatment I received in my family of origin.
review all the real or imagined failures in my life.
see site for more
WHAT IRRATIONAL BELIEFS AROUSE MY HOSTILITY?
no matter how hard I try, I'll not reach my goals of success and happiness.
Why should I always be the one who is giving, caring, and forgiving, in my life?
I should be rewarded for my good deeds, hard work, and sense of fair play.
I shouldn't have to suffer all this disappointment, pain, and suffering.
The good should always win out over the bad in life.
see site for more
BECAUSE OF MY HOSTILITY, SARCASM AND CYNICISM, I FIND THAT:
people seek me out infrequently.
it is hard to sustain friendships and close, lasting relationships.
there is less enjoyment in my work, play, and life in general.
I am not sought out to be a support person in someone else's life.
my philosophy of life is open to criticism and attack.
see site for more
IN ORDER TO OVERCOME MY HOSTILITY, SARCASM AND CYNICISM, I NEED TO:
rethink my philosophy of life.
make an honest inventory of my behavior toward others.
analyze the effects of my hostile behavior on me and on others.
develop a set of rational beliefs about the realities of being a mortal being in the human condition.
become less cause oriented in my view of life.
see site for more
WHAT DO I DO FIRST?
Step 1: In order to overcome my hostility, sarcasm, and cynicism, I must admit that this is a problem for me. To do this, I need to review the following questions in my journal:
A. Which of the characteristics of hostility, sarcasm, and cynicism apply directly to my behavior?
B. What physical side-effects do I experience when I am hostile?
C. What are the emotional effects of my hostility?
Read the rest of the steps, suggestions, definitions and more tools for copin with anger, visit CopingOrg.
CLUB VIVO PER LEI/I LIVE FOR MUSIC NEWS: In anticipation of an adored composer's coming 250th birthday, Mozart mania has begun infecting the classical music world.
"The most tremendous genius raised Mozart above all masters, in all centuries, and in all the arts," declared Richard Wagner.
We adore Mozart for his beautiful music, and his ebullient spirit. He suffered, but it didn't seem to effect him as the suffering of other musicians affected them. Of course there's an EQ point here! Despite the fact that his father exploited and used him for income from the time he was about 5, Mozart bounced along.
"Mozart's joy is made of serenity," wrote Andre Gide, "and a phrase of his music is like a calm thought; his simplicity is merely purity. It is a crystalline thing in which all the emotions play a role, but as if already celestially transposed. Moderation consists in feeling emotions as angels do.
DO YOU THINK EQ IS FEELING EMOTIONS AS ANGELS DO?
Click HERE to join Club Vivo Per Lei. It's free, of course!
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Thursday, October 20, 2005
Our fears can be irrational. We know this very well about others, i.e., the little boy who thinks all dogs bite, or the adult who's afraid to ride in elevators. We know it ... the little boy who thinks all dogs bite, the adult who's afraid to ride in elevators, the intellectually about ourselves, but it can't over-ride our emotional response. Not easily anyway.
I'm reminding of this watching Halloween come around. I write and coach about EQ at work, among other things. I have always written before the holidays (Christmas, Kwanzaa, Yom Kippur) to help with the emotions that churn at that time of year, because of all the issues we all have to face, and managers, HR and CEOs must prepare for. They center around religion, and we feel strongly about religion. How to honor this is an ongoing challenge in the US, but we know from history that's is about the most important thing. More wars have been fought in the name of religion, and more people killed, than probably any other cause, and civilization such as Rom lasted as long as they did because they never tampered with the religions of the people they conquered.
We feel strongly about religion. Some think theirs is the only one. Some think another specific religion is wrong. Others take the idealistic stand that all must be free to practice their own religion, and they're opposed by those who take the idealistic stand that no religion should be observed publicly in a public place, like an office, thereby "forcing it on others".
Those feelings are strong, but they can't compare to the FEAR that generates at Halloween.
I am not a native of Texas, but have lived here many years, and I'll never forget my first Halloween here. The town I live in is 60% Hispanic, and (as you may or may not know) there's this thing they do where they dress skeletons like a bride and groom. I found this very startling! There's a lot that goes on around Halloween that's scary; there are plenty of kids that don't really like it.
And what it triggers are two things we don't like around an office -- it's "childish," and it's creepy, and each person has their own level of "creepy tolerance." We can put up a Christmas tree in an office and get little flack, but try putting a jack-o-lantern with candy corn in it, or a skill and crossbones, and watch the feathers fly.
Now I'm going to relate this to Hurrican Wilma which is circling around Yucatan as I write, and heading for somewhere in Florida. We've been told we have 3 days to prepare and that it's moving at 5 miles an hour.
THE CRUISE I TOOK IN A HURRICANE
For years I refused to take a cruise because someone always invited me in September and that's, as I "knew," "Hurricane Season. Actually hurricane season, as defined by the weatherologists, lasts for 6 months.
Then I was asked to speak on a cruise in September, my sister had also been asked, and I didn't even think about it. Off we went. Into the eye of the storm. That was September 15, 2003. Check out this amazing website for a replay.
But we didn't know it when we embarked, as it's called, we only learned about it as rumor, fear, and gossip spread through the ship. Being quasi-personnel, we heard the crew side of it. They weren't at all concerned about safety, just the extra work. The furniture had to be removed or lashed down, doors sealed shut, and the ship diverted...and dealing with the scared people.
Now I'd like to think they care about the people (and of course they do), but there's also that $20 million ship (or whatever they cost these days) to consider, so trust me, you're safe. The captain (and you must witness the captain of a cruise ship to understand absolute authority) has all the GPS stuff, and is in constant touch with necessary information.
You actually can't be safer than on a cruise ship. Well, I mean you're safe in Boise, Idaho, but as far as where the hurricane might be actually heading. The ship can easily, easily outrun the hurricane. If you're sitting in Key West, or Cozumel, not so. You can't move.
In fact my son's father-in-law says that when he was in the navy in Vietnam, they'd duck in and out of a hurricane in order to wash the ship.
What happened is we went elsewhere. The hurricane appeared to be heading for Grand Cayman, so we went to Belize instead. That's bad (at least to me), but not as bad as sitting on land waiting and wondering and not knowing. We simply went elsewhere. We were taken such good care of. The ship did rock and roll more than usual. Those stabilizers usually make the bobbing below the level of consciousness, but as I gave my talk on "Emotional Intelligence," all full of allusions to the sea, I almost fell over, and a few people were seasick and wearing their patches, but all in all, it was ... well actually it made a great memory and a great story.
So my fear of cruising "during hurricane season" was irrational. It was confronted by the actuality, and dispelled.
What irrational fears do you have? How are they limiting your life? What might you do about this?
The keys to this were (1) having the experience, which I wouldn't actively have chosen, it was just luck; and (2) not being alone.
It's very different to be stuck on land in the probable path of a hurricane, unable to get away.
Think of this in EQ terms. Being able to move is so crucial. When we're flooding with fear, the chemicals from our reptilian brain poise us for "fight or flight." (There's no fighting a hurricane, of course; one must flight.) But there are those who's amygdala is over-active, and they FREEZE. This can happen when you stop and think ... because the reptilion reactions are desired to STOP THINKING. When confronted with a charging bull, you won't survive if you become rational and try and figure out what breed it is. "Hmm, It's bos iberius the ones born and bred to charge. I'd better run. No wait, it could be a ...."
Those emotions are designed to move us ... literally and figuratively. Our emotions are designed to give us information, and keep us alive. It's how we manage them. There's no feeling that isn't accompanied by a thought. To me when I hear "cruise and hurricane" my emotional reaction is not one of fear. If I were in Key West right now, I would be scared, and my heart goes out to those in the possible path. Of course we just coped with this around the Houston area recently.
Another little boy isn't afraid of dogs biting, and another adult isn't afraid to ride in elevators, but we're all afraid, after the age of about 6, to be in the path of a speeding car, because ... "you have to be carefully taught."
What have you learned? How does it serve you? Emotional intelligence is the interface between intellect and emotion.
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Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Bennett is quoted as having said we could reduce crime if we “aborted every black baby in this country.” He then added, "That would be an impossible, ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your crime rate would go down." He was, he said, only “putting forward a hypothetical proposition.”
INTELLECTUAL ARGUMENT/EMOTIONAL REPONSE
In order to make a point about SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION and the power of the search engines to my Coach Certification students, I told them to go to www.google.com, enter “failure,” and click “I feel lucky.” (Do it.)
Now, if you’re Bush a fan, or a person who can’t stay focused on “a point”, i.e., “search engines,” you may have a strong emotional reaction. I, personally am not (at this time) interested in the political ramifications as much as the concepts re: search engines. (Be sure and read google's explanation - go back to search, enter "failure" and click "search.” It’s on the right.
Can you tease these two variables apart? That’s emotional intelligence. i,e., we aren’t discussing Bush and politics now, we are discussing search engines. I am asking you to do something difficult, if you’re a Bush fan, and that’s what I do as an EQ coach. Hold the emotions and stay focused on the original issue. We are required to do this all the time.
So for now, my friends, set aside the abortion issue, and let’s examine the crime issue.
Steven Levitt, U of Chicago economist, and co-author of FREAKONOMICS with Stephen J. Dubner applies his statistics to many things in this interesting book. In the case of the falling crime rate, Levitt decided it wasn't the good economy of the 90s, nor the proliferation of the gun-control laws, but the Supreme Court’s ruling in Roe v. Wade.
That’s not the first thing that occurred to me, how about you? My first thought was to doubt the statistic that the crime rate had dropped. I know politicians. I know those reports. I’ve been asked to manipulate the data in my time. What city wants to be known for its high crime rate? Mine doesn’t. It would drive away the tourists, and that’s our #1 industry.
WHAT THE NUMBERS SAY
Just in time I received yesterday another round of the email called “brain cramps.” Here is #3: "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D. C.
Has the crime rate fallen? What do our intuition and common sense tell us? We need to ask ourselves these questions:
First, how is your life feeling these days in terms of crime, especially compared to the 70s and 80s, if you were around then.
Secondly, How "safe" do you feel personally, and what do you hear from your friends?
And lastly, If there’s a lower crime rate, how come everyone’s on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs?
To me, the crime rate has been up-leveled or needs a new name. I have not checked statistics. My sense is there’s been one of those societal shifts. Thos “old” physical crimes have decreased, and been replaced by bigger, better, more lucrative and more cerebral ways to beat us, steal from us and kill us.
I asked Clarice, a client, and here’s what she said:
I don't feel in danger from that kind of crime, because I can’t afford to go downtown any more where the violent crime is, to see a play or eat out. I don’t have time either. We both work 70 hour weeks. The thieves don’t come to my neighborhood because there are bigger and better houses up the road. I have been robbed of income, possessions, and time.
I lost the money I had in the stock market. That same year I had to pay $10k for an operation that my Gyn could’ve prevented and my marginal insurance company weaseled out of. I took the Gyn to court and lost some more money. I have been the victim of “professional” crime and more than “white collar.” We need a new name for it.
Burglars also don’t come here because there’s too much commotion. All my neighbors have their grown kids living with them. There are cars all over the street. They’re building an apt. complex behind us, and it's shaken the ground. My neighbor and I both had our cracked foundations repaired 5 years ago, and were given “lifetime warranties”. We are victims of the insurance company and the foundation repair company, both of whom found loopholes.
I asked what crimes Clarice worried about and here's what she said:
Identity theft on the Internet. It’s a nightmare, and the money isn’t half of it.
Being raped by politicians. Taking away Medicare, suddenly taxing our 401ks, 50%. Down here in Tx we've got Kinky Friedman running for governor, and it’s odd to hear someone who doesn’t assault us with lies and spin-doctoring.
That cover-ups will continue to rob me of my lifestyle. When my friend's husband was studying pollution back in the 70s, for the Public Health service, he was just a kid, just out of med school, and he was told to bury the data. The city didn’t want the people to know what the lungs of the dogs he was cutting up looked like.
Having the insurance companies hold us at gunpoint.
Forget about the guy in the back alley. We have no back alleys. That's guy's selling drugs, that's where the money is, or on them and dying a slow death. We can’t get house insurance in Texas. They tried to cut my friend off of chemo after 3 months, saying it was “too expensive.” If my medical insurance covers something, to get care takes a day, not an hour. The primary care physician who lives across the street from me makes less than I do, after paying $100k for malpractice, and has to book 8-10 patients an hour. I’m afraid I’ll be murdered by some physician who was too busy and too tired from all the paperwork.
My neighbor Norma has been robbed, beaten and raped in the new crime wave. Her husband left her for a 30 y.o. shortly after moving all their money to Montsarat. The corporation she’d invested her retirement in was investigated by the SEC and she lost 90% of her life’s savings. Her employer fired her after 20 years because her diabetes was too expensive for their group plan. She has no health insurance. Someone rear-ended her and her car insurance premium went up x10. Someone who owed her $50k put all his money in his house and then declared bankruptcy. He then sold his million-dollar home and is traveling around the world, while Norma can’t afford to go see her grand-children.
But yeah, sure, she feels safe to walk around the neighborhood. She doesn't have anything anyone would want to steal. She can't afford to drive or travel with the price of gasoline what it is.
Think about it!
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Monday, October 17, 2005
YGRAINE IS COMING ALONG FINE. When I came back to the house today, she was quivering at the door, and all joy to see me. She's eating everything in sight, and wagging her tail all over the place. She has decided to accept the joy and love in her new surroundings, and it only took her 24 hours.
We adult humans don't always do it so fast. How come? "Comment" as to why!
YGRAINE EMBRACES THE PLEASURE PRINCIPLE.
THE PLEASURE PRESCRIPTION begins ... "A new plague has struck the world ..."
Written by Paul Pearsall, Ph.D., a psycho-neuroimmunologist who got the message after he suffered a heart-attack.
He says there's the Western Way, and the Eastern Way, and then the Oceanic Way - the Pacific Rim way. Read the SIPs and you'll get a curious.
THE PLEASURE PRESCRIPTION
Statistically Improbable Phrases (SIPs): toxically successful people, your seventh sense, one kapuna, bliss response, angry brain, urgency response, selfish brain, indigenous mind, transpersonal connection, planet paradise, healthy pleasure, pleasure pathways, pleasure system, pleasure potential, talk story, natural chaos.
This is a primer on anger management.
Stressed out? Angry a lot. I bet your immune system is shot Work on your anger management, and take the ARBONNE Get Well Soon Dietary Supplement, a technologically-advanced combination of herbs and other ingredients scientifically proven to help nutritionally support the immune system.
“Women worry way too much about The Relationship …” this great article on msn by Brian Alexander begins, and he goes on to cover the points of “What a Happy Marriage Looks Like.”
How great it is when a man breaks the silence (see point #2) and tell us how it looks from Mars!
Here are some of the points covered:
1. Repeating the Same Stupid Argument
2. Periods of Non-communication
3. Pursuing Different Hobbies
4. Turning down Sex
5. Looking at Other Women
Marriage, he says, “is bigger than me. It’s given my life a heft it never had with just me in it” The pet peeves, he says “are just satellites of annoyance stuck in orbit around the mass – not mess – that is our marriage. For the record, it’s a gravity I have no intention of escaping.”
Beautiful article. Read it here.
ARBONNE for the holidays. Stay one step ahead of the holidays with the Pampermint, soothing, minty footcare. Helps you stay on your toe! Ho ho ho.
P.S. Don't forget to schedle your Holiday Prep Coaching Session - call 210.496.0678 or mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
From the mailbag, something for you to read. Oh my. And of course you can't just send an entertaining email to The EQ Coach! When you read this, keep in mind that we do this figuratively as well as literally. EQ is about getting it straightened out in your head and NOT reading things into things that aren't there.
And our gigantic human brains are so geared to do this. This is like Hebbian logic. What's Hebbian logic? Go HERE to torture yourself. Sorry, even Wikipedia doesn't make it too clear.
Most comprehensible description I've read is in the landmark, A General Theory of Love.
Here's the general idea. Three fundamental assumptions (go Donald Hebb!)
1. Co-activated neurons become associated.
2. Associations can occur between adjacent or distant neurons, that is, the entire cortex is an associative memory.
3. If neurons become associated, they will develop into a functional unit, a cell assembly.
Electrophysiological studies have demonstrated that many cortical and subcortical neurons being frequently active at the same time strengthen their connections.
If a neuron, call it L, sends one connection to a second neuron, M, their synapse will strengthen when both are repeatedly active together, so that L will later have a stronger influence on M.
This effect is called long-term potentiation (LTP) because it can last a long time.
With extended associative learning, connection strength becomes a function of the frequency of coincident activity."
Roughly translated, it goes like this (as best I understand it): You ask a woman out and get rejected once. So what? Twice ... hmmm. Three times ... bigger hmmm. 20 times, you associate women with rejection. Very strongly.
(This of course can be over-ridden by intensity. Be 5 years ago and get bitten by one dog one time, and that connection (dog=bites=hurt) can last a lifetime. Fall in love at 18 with all your heart and soul and get rejected and you may become a confirmed "bachelor".)
This of course can be over-ridden by intensity. Be 5 years ago and get bitten by one dog one time, and that connection (dog=bites=hurt) can last a lifetime. Fall in love at 18 with all your heart and soul and get rejected and you may become a confirmed bachelor (love=pain). You'll never give another female a chance and never disconnect those synapses..
You go to Italian class and the teacher is nice to you once ... hmmm. Twice ... bigger hmmm. Every time ... you love Italian, you love learning! (The latter because we tend to "generalize" as well. That's why your child's first teacher is soooo important.) Things are also more influential when we're young; that's why it's called "the formative years."
EQ is about those "connections" that we form. Some of them, in some of us, need to be disconnected.
Think you don't have them?
Olny srmat poelpe can.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
If you can raed tihs psas it on !
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Saturday, October 15, 2005
You love music (don't you?). It soothes the savage beast! Let me send you my robust gourmet selection - once a week to your email inbox. All you have to do is click and listen ... to some of the finest music in the world through time and space from the beauty in me to the beast in you. With eine kleine commentario. Go here to join, and while there, enjoy Shumann's transforming Abegg and my new Vivo Per Lei / I Live for Music website. (Pass it on!)
Why study the arts? Why include them in your personal development program? GO HERE.
AND NOW THE GOOD NEWS. What an honor. EQ Alive!, our coach certification program has been rated #1 Certification and Training Program, with a perfect score of 10/10. /. We have been rated a solid 10 out of 10. I'd appreciate your vote and review to keep us #1. Go here to vote and give a review if you've participated.
We are rated #2 for EQ coaching, behind the huge global Anderson & Anderson, and proud of this as well. Rated 9.44/10.00. If you've been coached and would like to vote or write a review, go here.
We are pleased and proud to be of service in this important field of emotional intelligence. We appreciate your referrals for coach certification and training, coaching, resources, and our business programs.
And now, Sun Tzu Wu and The Art of War
I know you've heard about this ancient book of wisdom. It's very popular in the business world these days.
Here are some quotes from Thomas Cleary's introduction to The Art of War:
Our thanks to TheIntrovertzCoach, the nation's expert, Nancy Fenn, for this information. Visit her BLOG here.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Halloween began as an ancient Celtic ceremony called Sawhain. It was the Celts major celebration, a festival of the dead but also the beginning of winter.
It was time for them to harvest their crops and store them, and round up the cattle and sheep and move them in closer. They believed at this time the ghosts of the dead mingled with the living. I think this is archetypal (in our bones) because things are dying this time of year. Plants are dying, leaves fall off the trees ...
Others think it was the harvest, why keep it to yourself, invite all your ancestors and dearly departed to join in.
Sawhain was exactly 6 weeks after the Autumnal Equinoz and 6 weeks before the Winter Solstice.
Now here's how one tradition developed. It'was New Year's, a new beginning. COld, too, so they'd have a fire. Someone from each household would be sent to collect embers from the community fire for the fire in their own home. The easiest way to carry home the coals was in a hollowed out turnip, sometimes with a carved face on it to scare away evil spirits.
Why some of the traditions. This is from bigchill.net:
Apples ... Find out the identity of a future spouse by cutting an apple in half around the middle and eating half the apple in front of a mirror at midnight on Halloween. Your intended's face will appear.
Cakes and sweeties are also essential. Ghosts are especially benevolent towards children and everyone knows that the best way to lure children to the table is with sweet stuff. Combine the cakes and the apples with apple tarts or warming apple crumble.
Anyway, the Celts were celbrating Sawhain and then the Christian missionaries arrived to convert them to Christianity. In one of the sanest edicts I've read, Pope Gregory I issued an edict that it was to be done this way: the missionaries should not obliterate the native religion, but rather use it. If they found the Celts worshipped a tree, they should not cut it down, but rather consecrate it to Christ, and let the worship continue.
Christian holidays were also set to coincide with local holy days. All Saints Day was assigned November 1st and meant to substitute for Samhain, but Sawstill it continued.
Jack Santino says, “The powerful symbolism of the traveling dead was too strong, and perhaps too basic to the human psyche, to be satisfied with the new, more abstract Catholic feast honoring saints.”
The Church tried again in the 8th century, naming November 2nd as All Soul’s Day, but Sawhain continued, and with time, All Hallows Eve (the night before) became Hallowe’en. People began to dress in costume to seek gifts of food and drink, which had originally been set out to appease spirits, and to masquerade as spirits, and tour traditions of Halloween evolved.
There’s a lesson in multiculturalism here; a way to change culture and blend beliefs and traditions. “Worship” was the constant in the equation, and dealing with dark spirits, which they kept and modified. The new was accommodated without changing the old too much. Remember this when you’re changing a household or office custom.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Halloween is an exciting night for children and a busy time for their parents. With such excitement, it’s easy for children to forget basic safety rules.
When emotions are running high, it’s a good time to remember to “use your head.” Plan ahead and plan to have a safe Halloween. Raise safety awareness with your family before the festivities begin. We do the right thing, but we don’t always explain it to children. As you place a saucer under each tea light, or “stop, look and listen” at street corners and in parking lots, tell your child why. They don’t always connect the dots unless you point it out.
Here are some Halloween Safety Tips to keep in mind:
1. Stay sober and alert.
It’s amazing how many family Halloween celebrations involve adults drinking. It’s impossible to monitor children’s safety or your own when you’ve had too much to drink, so don’t.
2. Avoid cuts and burns when decorating.
Carving the pumpkin, placing luminaria in the driveway, and hanging spooky skeletons all present opportunities for injury. If you’re decorating with candles, observe fires safety. Have a good fire extinguisher handy and make sure everyone knows where it is.
3. Observe ladder safety regulations.
According to the NASD, accidents involving ladders cause an estimated 300 death a year in the US, and 130,000 injuries requiring medical attention. Review ladder safety rules and observe them.
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4. Make sure “treats” aren’t “tricks.”
Many people these days choose to go to fairs or private parties instead of trick or treating for safety reasons. If your child is going trick or treating, go with them. Make it a rule that nothing is to be eaten until it’s first been inspected by you.
5. Caution your child about strangers and dogs.
Keep your children with you and remind them to avoid people and dogs they don’t know. Many people are taking their dog companions out in costume these days, and even the most gentle of family pets can do something unexpected with all the excitement.
6. Accidental falls is the number one cause of injuries on Halloween night (National Safety Council).
Choose your child’s costume with this in mind. Hem up the hemlines. If you choose a mask, choose one that doesn’t obstruct sight. Stay sober and observe safety rules when decorating.
7. Four times more children are killed in pedestrian/automobile accidents on Halloween night than on any other night of the year.
The CDC suggests these factors make it a high risk: short stature, inability to react quickly enough to avoid a car or evaluate a potential traffic threat, lack of impulse control, and all the exciting distractions.
8. The holiday syndrome.
The excitement, more candy, more parties, less sleep, less nutritious food, and getting off schedule all mean less attentiveness and also possibly illness. Keep routines as normal as you can.
9. Choose safe and sensible costumes.
Choose fire retardant costumes that allow children free movement and good visibility. Be careful about accessories. Even toy knives and swords can cause harm. Give each child a flashlight.
10. Set a good example.
Show that you care about safety and make it a top priority.
READY FOR THE HOLIDAYS? Call for a coaching session. One call may be all it takes to get you charged up for what lies ahead.
"Home is where we hang our head," said Groucho Marx. It's a hard time for many of us. Why not call and get some perspective. No need to make an appointment. If I'm not with another client, I'll take your call right then.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
According to studies conducted by the Diet & Fitness Center at Duke University Medical Center, morbidly obese people are 25 times more likely to have problems in their sex lives than normal-weight people.
What impressed reseracher Martin Binks, Ph.D., psychologist and director of behavioral health at Duke, was how big a difference it makes in one's sex life to be morbidly obese. There are numbers which indicate "morbidly obese" (like BMI) but I think we know when we're there - or fatter than we'd like to be, or heavier than we should be for optimal health, or displeased with our weight, or when it is interfering with our sex lives, yes?
The study confirmed that desire for sex, performance, and enjoyment all decline with obesity. In fact some "morbidly obese" people avoid sex, even dating, completely. And with the media and other pressure in the US who does this apply to -- thinking that we're "too fat" to enjoy a sex life or "too fat" to date or be attractive to the opposite sex?
A majority of the US population iss overweight, and a majority of females may not be overweight but are pressured to feel terrible unless they are pencil thin.
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One of the hardest thing for women in the US to deal with is the attitude toward weight. Just read the profiles on the Internet dating sites ... "can't stand overweight women," "no fatties need apply," "don't send me a picture 25 lbs. ago," and "first, send me a photo and what size do you wear?"
This is analagous to asking men for their salary, 401k and income, asking for a photo of their bank statement, saying "less than 6 figures, don't bother writing." It's rude and insensitive. Worse than that it isn't considering what a person is really like, on the inside - their dream and plans, their values, how they treat other people, and who they are.
People change. If you're in it for the long haul, your love may have wrinkles come day, gray hair, a few extra pounds, or a bad case of acne. It isn't about what's on the outside!
In Binks' study, the average BMI was over 40 and individuals were asked about four things:
1. enjoyment of sexual activity
2. sexual desire
3. difficulty with sexual performance, and
4. avoiding sexual encounters
All these people were in treatement for "obesity."
65% of them said they had significant sexual problems
50% had difficulties desiring sex
42% had performance problems
41% said they avoided sex
28% reported less enjoyment of sex, compared with 4% of the normal-weight group.
THAT'S A HIGH PRICE TO PAY FOR WEIGHING MORE THAN IT IS HEALTHY TO (you can lose weight) or FEELING BAD ABOUT YOUR SELF-IMAGE (which can be conditioned, caused by a critical Significant Other, parent, or partner, or "in your head" (you can work on your emotional intelligence).
One of my clients, Nancy, started taking the ARBONNE weight loss supplement and lost weight after a year of being at a standstill, despite a decent daily diet and running several miles every day. She weighs 20 lbs. more than the charts say she should. However, she looks good, has no health problems, and is largely operating with an "emotional hangover" from her last boyfriend who, because he, himself, suffered low self-esteem, kept putting her down. This is living in the past! She's also working on her emotional intelligence competencies and self-talk. One of the competencies is "personal power" - not being in the "victim" position.
If your "self-talk" has been poisoned by a negative person, check into the EQ FOUNDATION COURSE or CALL FOR ONE (1) COACHING SESSION.
I DO NOT ASK FOR A COACHING CONTRACT LIKE OTHER COACHES. MOST OF THE TIME WE CAN ACCOMPLISH WHAT YOU CAME FOR IN ONE SESSION. I don't know if I'm better than other coaches, work faster, or attract a more motivated and savvY group of clients, but that's the way it works out, so please don't feel like I require a 12-month contract like some coach's, or that one session will be a waste of time or just a prelude for a contract. You know what's best for you. My clients know what works for them. If you want a "contract" please ask for one. Me? I just want to get you where you want to go, whether we accomplish that in one session or several.
I have clients who pop in from time to time, and some who've been coaching with me for years.
If you have a problem in your head about your weight, which is undoubtedly affecting your love life, sex life and emotions, why not give me a call?
If you're a man who's obsessed about the "weight" of women, you might also want to consider that this is really about YOU, and get some coaching.
Everyone deserves a great life, a great sex life, a great partner, and a great job! YES!
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Partner cheating on you? Infidelity? Unfaithful? Emotionally absent or distant?
TheCloser can help.
When to Stay and When to Go: Perseverance vs. Being Stubborn
One reason we don't like to look at the truth is because then we have to make hard decisions.
What if, for instance, TheCloser discovers your Internet 'date' is really married ... or worse, that your partner is cheating?
What do you do then? Do you persevere with the relationship? If so, at what point are you being stubborn? let's take a look at these two words
Perseverance - To go on resolutely in spite of opposition, importunity, or obstacles; to remain unchanged or fixed in a specified character, condition, or position; to stick with something, especially something difficult or challenging
Being stubborn - Bring unreasonably or perversely unyielding; mulish; unyielding and unopen to reason; performed or carried on in an obstinate or rigid manner; difficult to handle, manage or treat; sticking to something for ego reasons or false reasons, or to prove something, like that you were right in choosing it/wanting it/loving it/etc.
Going forward vs. Stonewalling
Working toward something vs. Refusing to do something
Having a positive goal vs. Having a negative goal
Making something happen vs. Not permitting something to happen
Henry Ward Beecher said, "The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't."
Selina persevered in her goal of becoming a teacher. She kept at it despite a lot of obstacles. At one point she had to stop and take a job to pay the tuition. At another time, her study was interrupted when her husband was transferred. To get her degree and become a teacher took a lot of time, energy and money, but she persevered and achieved her goal.
Evan was stubborn and withholding in his relationship with Esmerelda. He would not give her what she wanted under any circumstances. He would ask her where she wanted to go for dinner. She would say, "Mexican food." He would say, "No." She would ask him to suggest something and he would say again, "No, you choose." Then the game would start again. Evan was impossible and "mulish."
It's good to persevere, and not good to be stubborn. When you persevere, you are working toward a positive goal that's attainable. You are flexible and creative in pursuing possible alternatives toward your goal.
When you're being stubborn, you're either being negative to yourself (refusing to give up when you should), or to others (refusing to do what they want or to give them what they want), or to something (being in denial and refusing to face the facts).
One reason we don't like to look at the truth is because then we have to make hard decisions.
What if, for instance, TheCloser discovers your Internet 'date' is really married ... or worse, that your partner is cheating?
What do you do then? Do you persevere with the relationship? If so, at what point are you being stubborn? Let's take a look at these two words.
Although he felt something was wrong between them, Tom persevered with making his marriage to Sally as good as possible and also to making his own life good. They’d only been married two years. He worked on his own emotional intelligence, and tried to be loving. Eventually he began to suspect that Sally was having an affair. All his efforts had been failing, and that seemed to be a possible reason. In order to persevere with his goals for a good marriage, and a good life for himself, he decided to investigate. Only with accurate information could he persevere with his goals.
Annette decided the minute she met Tim that he was the perfect husband for her. She needed to believe that she was right, and that Tim, therefore, was perfect. As their marriage progressed, Tim began to insult and demean her, and there were strong clues that Tim was having an affair. “Open your eyes,” her mother told her, “he’s gone most weekends, I’ve seen him duck out to take cell phone calls when he’s over here for dinner, you’re crying all the time. Can’t you see? Why don’t you face up to it and find out for sure?” Stubbornly, Annette stuck with her position that Tim was the perfect husband and that she’s been right in choosing him.
When you pesevere, you make things happen. When you're being stubborn you just stop things from happening, often things that need to happen. Persevering accomplishes something. Being stubborn accomplishes nothing or even something harmful to you or others.
Being open to new possibilities vs. Saying no to new possibilities
Making suggestions vs. Just saying no to other people's suggestions
Active vs. Reactive
Call for a holiday coaching session. One session will usually do the trick. Get prepared for the onslaught!
Single for the Holidays - here's help.
Monday, October 10, 2005
THE CLOSER offers all the resources you need for a sticky situation. THINK YOUR PARTNER'S CHEATING ON YOU? Get the information you need to make tough decisions. AFRAID YOUR INTERNET 'DATE' IS LYING ABOUT IMPORTANT INFORMATION? Find out before you get too involved. It's all about your safety. TheCloser offers discreet investigative services, resources, coaching for the tough emotions and decisions, articles, book, and products for you at this difficult time.
FROM 'WORLDLY WISDOM' - Proverbs from around the world with their rich treasure of information about human nature, across space, time and culture.
"WHEN IT IS TIME FOR THE MONKEY TO DIE ALL THE TREES GET SLIPPERY." African Proverb. To order your FREE copy of "Worldly Wisdom", send email to email@example.com and put "wisdom" for subject line.
May I invite you to join the VIVO PER LEI / I LIVE FOR MUSIC Club? You love music. It soothes the savage beast! Let me send you my robust gourmet selection -- once a week to your email inbox. All you have to do is click and listen ... to some of the finest music in the world through time and space from the beauty in me to the beast in you. (Free, of course. It's my way of giving back.)
Here's a sample, the gorgeous Abegg from Schumann.
Schumann began to compose before his 7th year, and was encouraged by his father, but his father died when he was but 16, and neither his mother nor his guardian thought music a fit career. The question seemed to be set at rest when he agreed to study law, but both at Leipzig and Heidelberg, where he went in 1829, he neglected the law for the philosophers, and began composing songs. He intended to play the piano, but a hand injury turned him to composition - much to our delight. He received little recognition in his lifetime, and threw himself in the Rhine when in his early 40s. Rescued, he nevertheless died of complications from syphilis.
Our EQ question: Do you know anyone who was inclined toward the arts, but whose parents refused to "allow" this? What was the outcome? Did they ever get back to it as an adult? At retirement? Never? If you have deferred a dream such as this, how can you manifest it at this time in your life? It's never too late, as long as you start now!
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WINTER'S COMING AND I HAVE JUST THE THING FOR YOU -- THE VIVO PER LEI / I LIVE FOR MUSIC CLUB.
Winter's the perfect to go inward, listen, be soothed, savor ...
Hear what Bryan Magee says about art in "The Tristan Chord: Wagner and Philisophy": "Our experience of art shares the special characteristic of taking us out of our selves. When we are absorbed in a work of art we are entirely forgetful of our selves. Time seems to have stopped. It is literally the case that we as perceiving subjects are no longer in time or space. All the arts except music are representational ..."
So ... music is very special ...
If you not only love music, but live for it (as in Andrea Bocelli's song, "Vivo Per Lei"), you know how transforming it can be. In fact you probably don't know anything that does as much for you. As someone said, only the greatest extremes of sorrow and pain cannot be touched by music.
You know that music is NOT representational at all. You know and have felt that "You are the music while the music lasts."
Join the VIVO PER LEI / i Live for Music Club Music
by clicking HERE
When you sign up, you'll receive a very special gift just for joining -- a copy of Susan's "Vivo Per Lei'.
Music is an "intelligent" use of emotion. Come learn more about it at Club Music. Enjoy one luscious musical selection hand-plucked and delivered to the inbox of your email once a week -- to savor and delight in. Excellent quality, a little commentary ... a feast! You love music! It soothes the savage beast.
To the beast in you from the beauty in me ... Vivo Per Leo / I Live for Music Club - register here.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Do you live for music? It soothes the savage beast! Let me send you my robust gourmet selection -- once a week to your email inbox. All you have to do is click and listen .. to some of the finest music in the world through tkme and space from the beauty in me to the beast in you. Go HERE to join the Vivo Per Lei / I Live for Music Club. Vivo Per Lei / I Live for Music BLOG coming soon!
BE "SOFT", SHOW YOU CARE
Why are they called "soft" skills when they are HARD won, HARD to come by, HARD to beat, and bring HARD bottom-line results??
From Mark McCormack, a sports agent:
"Leaders show they care. Hatim Tyabji, who was at one time the soft-spoken, charismatic CEO of Verifone, once traveled from South Africa to Colorado -- on his way to Norway -- to give a one-hour presentation at a conference of just 30 people. Why? Because three months prior to that engagement, before all of the other trips had even been booked, he had promised to be there. I guarantee that people paid uncompromising attention to his one-hour talk, because he showed uncompromising leadership by showing up."
EQ Trait: Interpersonal Skills
And I would imagine this act of Tyabji's was "heard" all over, including back at the home office. We don't forget gestures like this, because they are so rare in today's world.
You're working on your emotional, physical, mental and spiritual health, yes? What about those important cosmetics and neutraceuticals? ARBONNE is Swiss engineered, manufactured in the US. Neutraceuticals, supplements, costmetics, hair loss, weight loss, prostate, essentials oils. Take care of yourself inside and out. What you put on your skin is absorbed into the blood stream. Did you know that? You should!!
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Troubled by recent events? Worried about something that's not under your control? At your wits end? Try The Golden Key.
WANT TO GET MORE INVOLVED?
We've started the I LIVE FOR MUSIC CLUB - ezines once a week about music. Start by looking at our new music website focusing on the sheer enjoyment of music, but also its healing power. Music can affect the immune system positively, through the intelligent emotions, and your immune system is your health.
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ABOUT COACHING - To clear up some misconceptions, I do not require a coaching contract. Many coaches do. I feel it's designed for their benefit, not yours. Maybe because of my years experience, I can generally clear things up for you in one session. It happens frequently. I want you to call in the heat of the moment, when it's on your mind, when you need to know. Here are some example:
Certain types of coaching can require more time, but you'll know that as well as I do. You're in charge of your coaching program. I also work nights and weekends. EMAIL ME when it's on your mind ... do it when you're thinking about it. If you put it off again, it will just come back around, perhaps in a more virulent form. Jump on it right away, and nip it in the bud. I live in the CST time zone and work most nights until 11 p.m. Why? Because that's when I'm needed. I also work weekends - call Sunday afternoon, call Saturday morning. Let me know and I'll reserve time for you. My coaching is not only very effective, it's affordable and user-friendly.
There's hardly anywhere in the US that isn't spectacular in the month of October. Here in San Antonio the heat has finally broken (for a while), the skies are clear and bright and the breeze is cool. Such days are rare here. I'm always reminded of a poem I learned when little:
OCTOBER'S BRIGHT BLUE WEATHER
BY helen Hunt Jackson (1830-1885)
O SUNS and skies and clouds of June,
And flowers of June together,
Ye cannot rival for one hour
October's bright blue weather;
When loud the bumble-bee makes haste,
Belated, thriftless vagrant,
And Golden-Rod is dying fast,
And lanes with grapes are fragrant;
When Gentians roll their fringes tight
To save them for the morning,
And chestnuts fall from satin burrs
Without a sound of warning;
When on the ground red apples lie
In piles like jewels shining,
And redder still on old stone walls
Are leaves of woodbine twining;
When all the lovely wayside things
Their white-winged seeds are sowing,
And in the fields, still green and fair,
Late aftermaths are growing;
When springs run low, and on the brooks,
In idle golden freighting,
Bright leaves sink noiseless in the hush
Of woods, for winter waiting;
When comrades seek sweet country haunts,
By twos and twos together,
And count like misers, hour by hour,
October's bright blue weather.
O suns and skies and flowers of June,
Count all your boasts together,
Love loveth best of all the year
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Friday, October 07, 2005
WHO HAS HIGHER EQ - MEN OR WOMEN? WHO HAS MORE EMPATHY? MORE OPTIMISTIC? MORE FLEXIBLE? BETTER AT PROBLEM SOLVING?
WHO HAS HIGHER EQ -- MEN OR WOMEN?
According to leading researcher, Reuven Bar-On:
With respect to gender, no differences have been revealed between males and females regarding overall ESI. However, statistically significant gender differences do exist for a few of the factors measured by the EQ-i, but the effects are small for the most part.
Based on the North American normative sample (Bar-On, 1997b), females appear to have stronger interpersonal skills than males, but the latter have a higher intrapersonal capacity, are better at managing emotions and are more adaptable than the former. More specifically, the Bar-On model reveals that women are more aware of emotions, demonstrate more empathy, relate better interpersonally and are more socially responsible than men.
ARBONNE PRODUCTS ARE NATURAL, AND PROMOTE WELLNESS.
On the other hand, men appear to have better self-regard, are more self-reliant, cope better with stress, are more flexible, solve problems better, and are more optimistic than women. Similar gender patterns have been observed in almost every other population sample that has been examined with the EQ-i. Men's deficiencies in interpersonal skills, when compared with women, could explain why psychopathy is diagnosed much more frequently in men than in women; and significantly lower stress tolerance amongst women may explain why women suffer more from anxiety-related disturbances than men (American Psychiatric Association, 1994).
This is from the website of Consortium for Research on Emotional Intelligence and used with permission. It is from an article by Rueven Bar-on, Ph.D.
FOR EQ COACHING, CALL 210-496-0678 OR MAILTO:SDUNN@SUSANDUNN.CC .
Thursday, October 06, 2005
They were the top search terms used during the past 48 hours according to a search tracking website (minus x-rated terms). The numbers of hits for the first 5 was as follows :
paris hilton, 4178
and so forth
What does this sort of data tell you about your world ... the world we live in? The top entry in search engines is poetry?
My EQ Foundation course contains POETRY because we intuitively know of its connection to emotion, and importance in our lives. We fall in love and we start writing poetry. We feel pain, we read poetry and listen to music.
When your love affair ended, did you write poetry? Whether it ends with divorce, a split, death, a misunderstanding, cheating, or defeat by time and circumstance, breaking up is one of the hardest things we do.
Please share with us your experiences breaking up with a love. Click HERE to take The Breaking Up Survey.
POETRY: ADEH LAMENTS THE LOSS OF LOVE (OR THE LOVER MOURNS FOR THE LOSS OF LOVE)
Pale brows, still hands and dim hair,
I had a beautiful friend
And dreamed that the old despair
Would end in love in the end:
She looked in my heart one day
And saw your image was there;
She has gone weeping away.
-- William Butler Yeats
Emotional Intelligence is showing up on more blogs all the time. Check out what dave fleming had to say on the deep end w/ dave fleming/exploring what the muse whispers on life, leadership and spirituality:
Praciticing Emotional Intelligence as a Leader
Step One: Observation
Heighten your sensitivity to your emotional intelligence as it directly relates to your leadership. Watch how you come across to your team/organization. Pay more attention to the responses you receive when you meet with people. Notice your own emotional reactions when you lead your team or are in front of your organization. You may even want to ask a few trusted colleagues to answer the questions I posed in the previous post.
Don’t make a lot of changes or grow frustrated if you are less than pleased with what you see in yourself. The cultivation of E.I. is a life long dynamic that requires patience and time (and often good coaching).
Monday, October 03, 2005
The Top 10 Lengths of Extra-Marital Affairs - Responses from "Other Women"
Actual responses from The Other Woman Survey
In The Sympathetic and Understanding Other Woman Survey, designed to give us information about men's affairs, women were asked how long the affair lasted. Here are ten replies.
1. We moved in together and lived together for 6 months of total happiness, at least I thought it was happiness on my end. It is now 5 years later and I still see him.
2. 3 years
3. 15 1/2 years
4. Still going on though we haven't seen each other in a year. We have a bond that can't be broken.
5. 13 years, till he cheated on me and a new born daughter.
6. We carried on for nearly six years, off and on, due to his circumstances, mostly. He separted [sic] from his wife, but not really. He simply moved down the street from her, and continues to see her, the daughter, and their dog, almost daily. [They broke up] He continues in limbo, and we both toy with seeing each other again, from time to time...
7. 11 months but who's counting?
8. 6 months
9. 4 months
10. About a few months, it was awful lying and sneaking around, and more so because we actually really liked one another. The sex was not possible because we both felt wrong about it. We ended it and didn't see each other for about 6 months, as we both had to sort out what were doing, and didn't want to keep going behind each others back. We are now living together.
To take The Other Woman Survey go HERE.
Most men who have affairs don't leave their wives (unless forced to)and don't want to. But 60% of married men cheat, and 50% of marriages end in divorce.
TheCloser is your resource center for delicate situations. Discreet Investigative Services and Resources When You Need Help. Mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org .
Afraid your partner is having an affair? Think your Internet date is lying? Is your lover cheating on you? Has your doctor been sued? We offer discreet investigative services for delicate situations - marriage and divorce records, criminal records, bankruptcy, surveillance, sex crimes, professional credentials, residences and with whom; check out your doctor, hospital or nursing home.
Resources, coaching, articles, advice, books and products to help you recover from affairs, deceit, infidelity and disastrous relationships - and build good, new, safe ones. Help with dating strategies, writing your online profile, dealing with tough emotions.
We have databases not available on the Internet, even if you pay.
For dating, try eharmony - they match you by personality, your chances are better. The original source is: The Other Woman Survey.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
"Your love has warmed me like the sun warms and sustains a flower.... so that it may survive, live, grow, thrive and triumph....I guess all living things need that......" ~ A Man Well Loved
WILL YOU STAND IN THE CENTER OF THE FIRE WITH ME AND NOT SHRINK BACK?
WHAT INTERESTS ME
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon,
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrows,
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed from fear of future pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own,
if you can dance with wildness and let ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic,
or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself;
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty,
even when it is not pretty every day,
and if you can source your life from god's presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
and still stand on the edge of a lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon, "YES!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone,
and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn't interest me who you are, or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the quiet empty moments.
By: Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Struggling with an affair? TheCloser has answers, resources, coaching, tool, books, and help with the difficult emotions.