Learn what's it's like to live EQ every day with Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, www.susandunn.cc. To subscribe to one of our ezines, go here: http://www.susandunn.cc/subscribe.htm .
For individual coaching, call 817-734-1471.
It's about getting the egos out of it and making up. "I feel like stripping it down." This song is all about the different emotional levels, communication, getting in that loving place and staying there.
A couple of years ago I had a super model in my coach certification program. She wanted to become a coach so she could tell young girls about this. It was wonderful to get this woman certified as a coach so she could extend her reach and fulfill her mission. Now she works with teenagers and young women.
This is a question that is often asked psychics and astrologers too, as we all quest for love. To a coach, a person might ask for a "soul mate" or "someone who is perfect for me."
I think Skye's discussion about soul-mates is good. She recommends this instead of looking for a Soul-mate:
Change your definition of soulmate. Call to yourself someone who is open and real. Call to yourself someone who is genuine and capable of love on a real everyday level in a real everyday world where people get up and go to work and pay bills. Call to yourself someone who knows how to show and express their love without manipulation and head games. Call forth a forever kind of love. Call forth a best friend that you can sit with in your rocking chair on the front porch when you are too old to make love anymore. Call someone who loves you enough to kick you in the butt when you are screwing up. Call forth someone who will shout from the rooftop when you are deserving of praise too. Call forth someone who is a loyal and faithful lover willing to learn and grow with you behind closed doors. Leave the rest to fate. Don’t define them.
"Call to yourself," is good. It's about the Law of Attraction.
But let's talk for a minute about making lists when you are dating or looking for "the right woman/man."
Many coaches want their clients to make a list of what they want in a mate, who they're looking for. I recommend it too, but probably not in the way you might think.
I think having a list works well for values, lifestyle, intelligence and some basics (like good grooming, which I think we all would want, wouldn't we?). Also things like wanting kids or not wanting kids -- issues around which there isn't a compromise -- it's a "yes" or a "no." But the trouble comes when you get too specific, especially about PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.
For instance here's a list I got from Amy:
I want a man who's: Medium height 30 years old Brown hair Brown eyes Curly hair Muscular build, like a weight lifter or professional athlete Medium complexion
Well, I think this leaves a lot to be desired. What if "Amy" met a man who was blond that had all the important things that Skye talks about above? What if she met a man who was 31 or 32?
Physical characteristics may cause initial attraction, but, as we coaches say, "That's not love, that's something else."
And as far as physical characteristics go, here's an interesting point. According to studies, the one that applies the most -- get ready for this -- is the person's third finger.
When Jason outfitted the Argo (his ship) to go off on his heroic journey for the Golden Fleece, he hand-picked the brightest and the best. This included "the best seer, Mposos, (before whose amazing skill Agamemnon's seer, Calchas, will later admit defeat and die or be killed after laughing at Hercules."
Does that surprise you? Of course he had fighters too, and those with physical skills. But Agamemnon had "his" seer as well. Every leader did (and still needs to). Myths are symbolic, of course, and that's why they convey so much wisdom. A seer is someone who can predict the future, and as you know, the data always runs out, so we need our intuition or gut feeling, if you will, to chart our course. Think of a successful stock broker. Well, first of all, my stock broker got me out and into a safe haven just before this latest decline. How did he know?? It wasn't just by looking at the data, or all the stock brokers would have gotten all their clients out in time (and then the economic scene would be even worse, but let that pass for now). Where does the gut-feeling come in? Whatever field you're in, you study the data, and then at some point - with all important decisions - you have to take what might elsewhere be called "a leap of faith."
We all have intuition - it's a basic survival skill. It's how you know to get away from things that are harmful. Intuition, or gut-feeling, can be developed, but for most of us, it's a matter of learning how to integrate intuition with rational thinking; learning how your intuition speaks to you ("I had that sinking feeling," "I felt sick after the interview," "I knew to get away from him because he made the hair on the back of my neck stand up."
Intuition is called gut-feeling, BTW, because of the vagus nerve. Read more about this in the Intuition ebook, Intuition course, or EQ Course.
Back to Jason and the Golden Fleece. Jason hand-picked men with all the skills required. In addition to the best seer available, he also included a tamer of rocks and beasts, a psychopomp and giant-killer, a horse and boxing-expert pair known as the Dioscuri, and so forth.
From the article:
*Timothy Gantz treats the Argonaut Mopsus as the one whose prowess leads to Calchas' death ... Calchas knew he would die when he met a superior in the art of prophecy. Mopsus was this seer. The questions posed (as in Apollodorus VI) were either the number of figs on a fig tree or the numbers of piglets that would be in a sow's litter...
Ever wonder why there is ALWAYS a RIDDLE when a hero sets out on their journey? They are talking about intuition, or gut-feeling. It is always a "trick question." Think about it.
More on this later.
Meantime, increase your intuition and gut-feeling with The EQ Course, and EQ coaching. Don't leave home without it!
To learn more about the my Magic of Myths Cour. It's on the Internet. $29.99. Email sdunn@susandunn.cc for information and to register.
Q: What physical feature about someone we're dating effects us the most? (It's not what you think it is.)
From today's email bag:
Dear Dating Coach:
We were having a great time, and then I remember he reached over for the dessert we were sharing, and there was something about his hands. Not dirty, and no bitten nails, etc., I just knew I 'registered' something. I thought they were pretty and delicate, but at the same time, I don't like "pretty" or "delicate" hands on a man. What am I to make of this?
++++++++ This is interesting because I am reading Diamond's THE THIRD CHIMPANZEE where he spends a good bit of time talking about how we choose our mates.
Note that choosing a marital partner is much more of a choice than choosing a one--night-stand. In fact the chapter this is in is called How We Pick our Mates and Sex Partners. It is very important to know what you are doing -- Are you choosing a mate, or a sex partner is the first thing I ask clients!!!
First let me say that you, personally, in your choice of partner, are allowed to prefer what you prefer. In other words, there's a woman out there that would fall instantly in love with this man BECAUSE OF those same hands that turn you off.
That's the wonder of love!
That having been said, in his book, Diamond cites scientific research where he uses words such as coefficients and significant. To unpack these terms, coefficients means the different things that influence something, and "significant" is a scientific terms meaning that the numbers show a difference. Yes, it arbitrary, but not as arbitrary as saying, "I (your personal opinion) think people choose mates according to the color of their eyes." "Correlation" means they relate, but be cautious about cause and effect. i.e., People eat more ice cream on hot days. The heat is more likely to cause the eating of ice cream than the ice cream to cause the day to be hot ... but with more complicated issue, people don't always see the line of causation properly! (I know you've experienced this misconception.)
FROM THE BOOK:
Coefficients for physical traits are on the average ... not so high as for personality traits ... or religion ... but still significantly higher than zero. For a few physical traits the correlation is even higher than 0.2 [which is the average overall for physical traits] -- e.g., an astonishing 0.61 for length of middle finger. At least unconsciously, people care more about their spouse's middle-finger length than about his or her hair color and intelligence! I can't say I was conscious about this, but I sure am now. (Which is what Emotional Intelligence is about -- self-awareness.)
Something DEFINITELY REGISTERED when she stopped and took a look at his hands. And it was something negative.
THE PRODIGAL SON BY REMBRANDT. I was lucky enough to see this painting in the Hermitage. Rembrandt had four children, only one of whom survived.**
Only love can break a heart. Only love can mend it again. Time can bring you down. Time can bend your knees. Many people use the term "going mad" in reference to the loss of a child. Eric Clapton wrote "Tears in Heaven" "to keep from going mad," he said. David Grossman called it "hell in slow motion."
Grieving the loss of a loved one is hard work. It is painful, so painful that you can be tempted to shut down and not do what feels like compounding the situation. To face the full brunt of the loss of the death of a child, or loss of a spouse or parent takes tremendous courage, even spirit. Yet we know from emotional intelligence that if you stuff down one emotion, you stuff down ALL emotions. If you want to ever feel joy again, then you must grieve -- go through the experience, not around it. I told myself during my hardest grieving period that I was carving out a valley to later be filled with joy - the depth of the joy one day to be equal to the depth of the loss. I believe that with love, faith and hard work, the part of you that is still alive comes back one day ... and you want to be available for that.
Whether you've lost a spouse, a child, a sibling, a parent, or a dear friend ... the developmental task is to be willing to love again in the face of such a terrible loss. As Betty Ann Rutledge, a program director for grieving families writes:
But how do we heal those gaping holes in our hearts? How do we learn to live with our grief? One of the gifts of our community at Bereaved Families is our model of mutual support. I hear time and again from newly bereaved (and not so newly bereaved) people the comfort and relief that is felt when one has an opportunity to connect with someone who has experienced a similar loss. “Finally, someone who understands.” “It’s so good to talk with someone who really “gets it”. “I thought I was the only one who felt this way.” “If they can survive, maybe I can too.”
We know, from emotional intelligence, that ISOLATION is harder on health than smoking, obesity, and high blood pressure combined. And by isolation, we mean being isolated emotionally -- from other people and oneself. One of the hardest things about grief is being alone. In fact, the loss of a child often breaks up a marriage.
Call me if you would like to talk about your grief and your loved one. Together, we will say their name. See resources for the Loss of a Child.
More thoughts ...
Gene Pitney, "Only Love Can Break a Heart. Only Love ... Can Mend it Again"
Eric Clapton's four year old son Connor fell 53 floors to his death from a Manhattan high rise in 1991. His death inspired Clapton to write the hit song "Tears in Heaven." This song has special meaning to me and my son Chester.
From Eric Clapton:
When I try to take myself back to that time, to recall the terrible numbness that I lived in, I recoil in fear. I never want to go through anything like that again. Originally, these songs were never meant for publication or public consumption; they were just what I did to stop from going mad...
When it came out, it was the biggest-selling album of my entire career....But if you want to know what it actually cost me, go to Ripley, and visit the grave of my son.
Many people have used poetry and art to work through their grief when they lose a child. Rembrandt, Shakespeare and Clapton are some examples.
Psychology asks meaningful questions, especially if we have the spiritual ears to hear. Spiritual truth and psychological meanings can be complementary. We need not be afraid of the discipline of psychology if we allow the Spirit of God to quicken our souls and our minds to His truth. The point that I am making is that the master artist reveals a depth of understanding of this parable that is both spiritual and psychological. You can understand the concepts of love, relationship, guilt, motivation, pride, jealousy, repentance and forgiveness through the study of psychology. And you can even deepen your understanding through personal experience. And then, at some point in time, prompted by the Spirit of God, your soul is stirred to its very depths and you awaken to new meanings of life...of redemption...of mercy...of refreshment. It is then that you realize that the discipline of psychology is but humankind’s noble attempt to understand truth--and that is a very God-honoring ambition.
William Shakespeare lost his son, Hamnet, when the boy was 11 years old. He wrote it out perhaps in "Hamlet," probably for sure in "King John."
This is from "King John"
CONSTANCE
I will instruct my sorrows to be proud; For grief is proud and makes his owner stoop. To me and to the state of my great grief Let kings assemble; for my grief's so great That no supporter but the huge firm earth Can hold it up: here I and sorrows sit; Here is my throne, bid kings come bow to it.
Seats herself on the ground
[In a later scene]
CONSTANCE No, I defy all counsel, all redress, But that which ends all counsel, true redress, Death, death; O amiable lovely death!
CARDINAL PANDULPH Lady, you utter madness, and not sorrow.
CONSTANCE I am not mad: this hair I tear is mine; My name is Constance; I was Geffrey's wife; Young Arthur is my son, and he is lost: I am not mad: I would to heaven I were! For then, 'tis like I should forget myself: O, if I could, what grief should I forget! Preach some philosophy to make me mad, And thou shalt be canonized, cardinal; For being not mad but sensible of grief, My reasonable part produces reason How I may be deliver'd of these woes, And teaches me to kill or hang myself: If I were mad, I should forget my son, Or madly think a babe of clouts were he: I am not mad; too well, too well I feel The different plague of each calamity....
And, father cardinal, I have heard you say That we shall see and know our friends in heaven: If that be true, I shall see my boy again; For since the birth of Cain, the first male child, To him that did but yesterday suspire, There was not such a gracious creature born. But now will canker-sorrow eat my bud And chase the native beauty from his cheek And he will look as hollow as a ghost, As dim and meagre as an ague's fit, And so he'll die; and, rising so again, When I shall meet him in the court of heaven I shall not know him: therefore never, never Must I behold my pretty Arthur more.
CARDINAL PANDULPH You hold too heinous a respect of grief.
CONSTANCE He talks to me that never had a son.
KING PHILIP You are as fond of grief as of your child.
CONSTANCE Grief fills the room up of my absent child, Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me, Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words, Remembers me of all his gracious parts, Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form: Then have I reason to be fond of grief? Fare you well: had you such a loss as I, I could give better comfort than you do... O Lord! my boy, my Arthur, my fair son! My life, my joy, my food, my all the world! My widow-comfort, and my sorrows' cure!
FROM A FRIEND OF WALT WHITMAN'S
In the middle of the room, in its white coffin, lay the dead child, the nephew of the poet. Near it, in a great chair, sat Walt Whitman, surrounded by little ones, and holding a beautiful little girl on his lap. She looked wonderingly at the spectacle of death, and then inquiringly into the old man's face.
'You don't know what it is, do you, my dear?' said he, and added, 'We don't, either.' (Mary Mapes Dodge, friend of Wal Whitman's)
Robert Lowell, on the death of his son: "Identification in Belfast"
..."When they first showed me the boy, I thought oh good, it's not him because he is a blonde-- I imagine his hair was singed dark by the bomb. He had nothing on him to identify him except this box of joke trick matches; he liked to have them on him, even at mass. The police were unhurried and wonderful, they let me go on trying to strike a match... I just wouldn't stop-- you cling to anything-- I couldn't believe I couldn't light one match-- only joke-matches...Then I knew he was Richard."
David Grossman lost his youngest son Uri during the Israeli offensive in Lebanon. Grossman is a novelist. Grossman described it as "hell in slow motion, all the time."
It's a painful life, now. It's like hell in slow motion, all the time. I don't try to escape grief. I face grief in an intense way in my writing, but not only in my writing. If I have to suffer, I want to understand my situation thoroughly. It's not an easy place to be, but so be it. If I'm doomed to it, I want-- it's a human predicament, and I want to experience it....
Anything that is calm and safe seems to me like an illusion.
Haven't you wondered why some people have more success than others? In our personal quests to reach our potential and maximize our personal power and assets, we ponder what the mix is that makes for success in life - work and relationships both.
For many decades (perhaps since the Age of Reason), the Western World focused on cognitive intelligence, generally referred to as IQ. We assumed a high IQ was the ticket.
However, you may have noticed, as early researchers in the field did, that IQ is not the only answer, and sometimes not the most important part of the equation. Even an IQ-genius like Einstein states that there is something more going on - that his theories were leaps of intuition. Daniel Goleman is often misquoted as saying that EQ matters more than IQ, when what he actually said was "it CAN matter more." Haven't you found this to be true?
EQ draws on the continuing phenomenal new research on the human (triune) brain and what emotions are and how they operate -- neuro-affective science. Lust, for instance, comes from the reptilian brain (the oldest, and therefore the strongest), and for good living, we mediate this with the limbic brain (it would hurt my wife if I had an affair) and the neocortex (I could lose all my money in a divorce if I have an affair).
As we fumble around for definitions, please keep in mind, intuitively if you will, that EQ is one of those things that you know when you see it. Think for a moment now of someone you know who is successful (hopefully it is you), and toss around in your mind some of the things that make this person's life work. IQ, perhaps, and also perhaps flexibility, intentionality, ability to assess gut-feelings, ability to work with others, self-management. We even use words like "character," "patience," "maturity," "affability," "leadership," etc.
An operating definition of emotional intelligence is (wikipedia): "an ability, capacity, or skill to perceive, assess and manage the emotions of one's self, of others, and of groups." The definition is evolving, but keep in mind that you know it when you see it. For instance, I prefer to use the term "competencies."
Emotional Intelligence probably began with no less than Darwin, who pointed out the importance of emotional expression for survival and adaptation. Slowly research turned to the non-cognitive aspects of "intelligence". As early as 1920. E. L. Thorndike at Columbia University coined the term "social intelligence" to refer to the ability to understand and manage other people.
Among early researchers in the field, Howard Gardner (Frames of Mind: The Theory of Multiple Intelligences) used the terms "interpersonal intelligence" (to describe our ability to understand the intentions, motivations and desires of other people), and "intrapersonal intelligence" (the ability to understand oneself, to appreciate your feelings, fears and motivations). In 1985, Wayne Payne published a doctoral thesis entitled A study of emotion: Developing emotional intelligence. Salovey and Mayer were also key researchers in the field (1990). It is perhaps Daniel Goleman who popularized the term in 1995 with his best-seller, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ.
Salovey and Mayer have a good working definition of emotional intelligence: "The ability to perceive emotion, integrate emotion to facilitate thought, understand emotions, and to regulate emotions to promote personal growth". Four categories that make sense are: (1) perceiving emotions, (2) using emotions, (3)understanding emotions; and (4) managing emotions.
A movie that illustrates concepts of emotional intelligence is Orson Welles' powerful "The Tragedy of Othello: The Moor of Venice." In this case, it is an example of emotional intelligence gone bad. This is, of course, Shakespeare's tragedy, Othello, and from this came Verdi's magnificent opera, "Otello" which we also consider. The place of music in emotional intelligence can hardly be underestimated, BTW, and of the great arts in general. See VIVO PER LEI.
In the beginning of the story of Otello, we see a man at the height of his power. [Bear in mind that the definition of a Shakespearean tragedy is that the hero is undone by "a character flaw" not by some external event (such as war or illness)]. Otello was a general, at the top of his game, with a successful career, and a loving marriage to the beautiful Desdemona.
At the end of the movie (play, opera) we see a man who has destroyed his life, killed his wife, and proceeds to kill himself. The aria Niun mi Tema is one of the most powerful arias in opera. It means "No one need fear me any more," and is the lament of a man who was undone by emotions.
What happened? Otello failed to promote a man (Iago) who then set about to do him in, and he did it without laying a hand on Otello. Iago understood Otello better than Otello understood himself, and he used this to bring about Otello's death and destruction at his own hands, manipulating him around like a puppet on a string. See my video on youtube here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgQOdtW1CI0.
Why study emotional intelligence? To paraphrase Sun Tzu, who was talking about warfare, understanding how people can be manipulated through emotions is as useful for those who wish to avoid having it done to them, as it is for those who wish to practice it.
If you stop and think about it, you can get in touch with times when your emotions either facilitated or blocked your ability to function well, make good decisions and/or use good judgment. Emotions, after all, give us information - it's what we do about the information that makes the difference. Maybe you drove away a lover by something you said in anger, or jumped in (or out of) the stock market on an emotional whim, or gave a poor speech because of anxiety, gave in to lust and ruined your marriage, or got angry and told off your boss and got fired, or talked back to a judge and ... See my video, "The Top 10 Things You Say After You've Been Hijacked (by the reptilian brain)" here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QmMSKLJo2Oc .
There are several assessment of emotional intelligence which vary in their terminology, but some of the competencies are resilience, flexibility, personal power, nonverbal communication, emotional expression, intentionality, authenticity, and empathy or compassion.
Should it be "empathy" or "compassion"? How DO you define emotional intelligence? These are largely academic matters. YOU know the quality that we struggle to define with "compassion" or "empathy" and YOU KNOW know that it - and the other competencies - matter. And the most important thing is that unlike IQ, EQ can be learned. I know. I teach it.
What's another good definition? Many of my clients have called emotional intelligence "the missing piece." And then there was one who said, "your course saved my mind."
Susan Dunn, www.susandunn.cc, sdunn@susandunn.cc . Susan coaches individuals and trains and certifies coaches internationally. She is the author of numerous ebooks (http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html)and has been chosen Adult Dev. expert for the largest self help portal on the Internet.
Love is blind... Smoke gets in your eyes... Dreamy-eyed ...
We have metaphors and similes for all the important emotional events in our lives.
Our emotions are in every cell of our body, and one way you can start to develop your emotional intelligence (EQ) is to check in with what's going on in your body. In reaction to various emotions your body temperature will change, your posture, the expressions on your face, the turn of your head, your digestion, your pulse. Thus, we have phrases such as:
That man makes my flesh creep. The hair stood up on the back of my neck. Love sick. Vomiting rage. Frozen with terror. Bedroom eyes. Blind with rage. Cold-blooded killer. Hot under the collar. My blood ran cold. He has ice water in his veins. She's hot! A chill ran down my spine. Green with envy. Green-eyed monster. My brains went south. That movie was a nail-biter. I saw red. When she died, all my lights went out.
Emotional Intelligence is "the missing piece" for most people. Other reactions are relief and excitement.
From the emailbag today, from JB in my coach certification program:
Susan, here is the info you requested. My brain is already full from reading this a.m.!!!!! Realize I have to create some files for all of this new stuff. I re-read the EQ stuff I took previously, then skimmed the foundation course you sent today. I'm just giddy with excitement when I read this stuff!!!
The coach certification program is fast, affordable, effective, highly-rated -- and fun! You will find it incredibly freeing and so will your clients.
Emotional Intelligence is an excellent frame for anything you want to work on, applicable to all fields, all issues your clients will ever present to you. Coaching is a growth field, i.e., I was at a training seminar the other day, and coaching was listed as one of the "new" paradigms for counseling.
That's what I've been missing! That's what I said to myself when I read #2 on the Self-Care Plan we were presented with in a recent seminar.
SELF-CARE PLAN Spend plenty of quality time alone Hold one focused, connected and meaningful conversation each day Recharge your batteries daily Do your job differently Teach others Create work breaks Confront the source of stress
As to this "one focused, connected and meaningful conversation each day" -- I have probably always made that a part of every day, even before I went into coaching.
However, 3 years ago, I moved to a new town in order to help with a family situation, and in the new town, the supply of people with whom I could have a focused, connected and meaningful conversation had to rebuilt. I mean people I could have lunch or dinner with, or meet for a walk in the park cum talk, etc.
I just moved again, and I guess there are more people here interested in focused, connected and meaningful conversations -- or else I'm just having good luck running in to them.
At the same time, I think that's one of the reasons why COACHING IS THE IDEAL PROFESSION. I get to have focused, connected and meaningful conversations all day long most days! Let's say coaching is relatively stress free and for these reasons: the focused, connected and meaningful conversations; being able to do your work in any way you choose to; being able to schedule work breaks ... well you get the picture. When you work for yourself, in a field that is innately about focus, connection and meaning - and can set your own hours and be your own boss -- it's so wonderful.
If you'd like to become a certified coach, email me and we'll arrange a program individualized to fit your needs, background, and areas of interest. sdunn@susandunn.cc . I offer intensives in the D. C. area if you are interested. You can be certified as a life coach, welllness coach, emotional intelligence coach, EQ coach, transitions coach, retirement coach, teen coach, parenting coach ... or name one and check it out with me.
Advantages of this program are:
Available intrenationally - all long-distance Highly-rated Effective Affordable Fast Comprehensive Individualized
Me 'n' my bros took a catnap on the way back from Richmond. I realized I was just too tired to be driving, so I pulled off into a truck stop, where all the LD drivers pull over to take a nap when they need to.
BTW, in Europe, the tour bus drivers have to clock in and out with a card proving that every so many hours, they pull over and rest for X number of minutes. Their logs are checked regularly to make sure they are doing this. Of course it gives us on the bus time for a drink, rest stop, buy a souvenir, etc. It's a win-win. They say it has improved safety over there by a huge percent.
I dozed for about 20 minutes, then woke up and was ready to go again.
Learning news material is exhilirating and also exhausting. Come learn what I learned. I am incorporating new material in the EQ Course, Resilience course, and coach certification program all the time.
DO YOU ALWAYS FAST-FORWARD TO THE WORST-CASE SCENARIO??
“For myself I am an optimist, it does not seem to be much use being anything else”- Winston Churchill
"Learned optimism" is part of emotional intelligence. Resilience, for instance, (an EQ competency) means being able to bounce back from setbacks, losses and defeats and still retain hope and good spirits -- in other words, remaining optimistic.
It means not attributing bad or ambivalent things as "personal, permanent, and pervasive." This means, if she doesn't answer your email, DON'T THINK it's because she doesn't like you (personal), that no woman ever will (permanent), and/or that you have this sort of rejection in all areas (pervasive). Think instead that, like all the rest of us, she may be busy or having troubles with her computer. Or think about the fireflies outside!
We consier optimism to be the FACILITATOR of Emotional Intelligence -- because if you don't think you can do it, why would you even try?
In the new training program the Army is instigating (see post below), they will start teaching soldiers how to change their thinking, to build resilience (and stress tolerance). For instance, if they call home and their wife doesn't answer, don't immediately go to, "She must be out with another man."
Think of all the times you fast-forward to something that is probably unlikely AND makes you sick. Working with your own self-talk is part of emotional intelligence.
It's about time the "military culture" quit considered "talk of emotions to be so much hand-holding, a sign of weakness," and started teaching emotional intelligence as a preventive measure.
In an interview, Gen. George W. Casey Jr., the Army’s chief of staff, said the $117 million program was an effort to transform a military culture that has generally considered talk of emotions to be so much hand-holding, a sign of weakness.
Note that the article still refers to it as "MENTAL" training. In Emotional Intelligence, we consider the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual for wellness and wholeness.
To sign up for the EQ Course, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .
THE LICTORS BRING TO BRUTUS THE BODIES OF HIS SONS
I write poetry, as many of you know. I often use great works of art for inspiration. This one I was never able to write a poem about. It is too ... it is too...
It is also a male experience, I cannot really get my mind around.
It is said that the full title of the painting, by Jacques Louis David, which I recently saw in the Louvres -- yes, we turned a corner on our tour and there it was -- is "Brutus Returning Home after Having Sentenced His Sons for Plotting a Tarquinian Restoration and Conspiring against Roman Freedom; the Lictors Bring their Bodies to be Buried."
The story is that Brutus, as you know, overthrew Caesar. He overthrew the monarchy and thereby established the Roman Republic. Then his sons turned around and plotted to assasinate Brutus, in order to restore the monarchy. As a judge, it was Brutus' job to render the verdict when his sons were caught. He condemned them to death.
In the painting, the lictors bring the bodies into the house. On the right are Brutus' wife, and probably the daughters-in-law, and maybe their daughter as well.
I use this painting in The EQ Course, where we analyze the painting. Why would David choose such a moment to paint? Because there can be few moments as horrible, so full of emotion, and it was worthy of his great talent. It is a moment of intense emotion frozen in time -- like a poem. We look at the postures, the expressions, the placement of the figures and practise finding the words (emotional expression). Look, for instance, at 'the hand that once ruled the world.' Look at Brutus' feet. See how he sits in the dark. And the look on his face; it is almost too much to bear.
There is a purpose to everything an artist does. The canvas is his; the topic is his. David puts the women on the right, in the light. He puts the man on the left in the dark. Why? Share your thoughts.
When taking the course, and working on this painting, one of my students wrote: "I never knew all that was in a painting. Thank you."
RIP dear hospice patient Ben. Thx 4 reconnecting me 2 poetry, discussions about emotional risk + sharing ur last few months on this glor ... This was a message to me on facebook from Catherine.
We turn to poetry in time of need. We turn to poets, who make a journey for us, distill it, and send it back to us. "Good poetry is disturbing." Poets can interpret our feelings for us, often using metaphor, and comparing two objects which are really not similar. I love the language of poetry.
There is a fair amount of poetry, and a good deal of great art, mythology, and classical music (including opera) in my EQ Course. Time and time again I have seen people turn to great art for relief in time of pain and crisis. It connects those things that are universal.
When I was taking a training course with a hospital chaplain, he said to me, "When this generation [now 30] reaches middle age, we are going to see despair such as we have never seen before. Why? Because they do not have a foundation in the fine arts." I invite you to explore art and culture!
POETRY I write poetry. I have written poetry to define, refine and distill my feelings during tragedy and hard time. I have written poems of joy as well. When you think of it, most people in love write poetry! It doesn't take any special requirements. You don't have to have a college degree, or even to have finished high school. It isn't about intellect.
In fact one of the most touching poems I've read was sent to me by a man whose son had died at the age of 20. The man sent me a poem he had written. Here is part of it:
We sat down at the table to eat but we couldn't get it down Because the one whos supposed to be at the table ain't.
I bow my head to this man.
MUSIC I have a friend who is a lawyer. The lawyer who trained her, for whom she worked for 15 years, had died and she was devastated, but she told me she "couldn't even cry.". She told me she couldn't get any relief from the grief and didn't know what to do. She finally went to a therapist and he told her to listen to "Time to Say Goodbye," which Andrea Bocelli sings - with many people, in many different languages. The therapist told her to listen to it in a language she didn't know, that she would still benefit from it. In other words, listen to "Con Te Partiro."
Art and music, story-telling, dance, they all go to the right brain, without interference from the "tyranical" left brain.
The story of "Time to Say Goodbye" is an incredible one. You can read it about it on my Vivo Per Lei (I Live for Music) website.
For more about the healing benefits of music, see Club Vivo Per Lei. I'd love to have you join.
"All strong souls first go to hell before they do the healing of the world they came here for. If we are lucky, we return to help those still trapped below."
COACH CERTIFICATION PROGRAM
I have trained and certified coaches all over the world -- Great Britain, all over the US, Malaysia, South Africa, Wales, Australia, the Phillipines, and more.
People often ask me what are the requirements to get into my coach certification program. The credential I look for first, in accepting a person to train for coaching, is life experience. College degrees don't matter as much as wanting to help other people, and having had a rich variety of life experiences. These two things cannot be taught. The rest of the things necessary can be taught.
I train long-distance -- via phone and email. The program is fast, effective, affordable and highly-rated. The core material is on the Internet, in interactive programs. I also offer 1-day intensives in the D. C. area. If you would like more information, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . I would love to be your coach, and your coach trainer.
Eunice had all the Kennedy glamour, but with a life-saving dash of emotional intelligence
Commenting on Eunice's remarkable qualities, another observer wrote that "all the Kennedys were blocked, totally blocked emotionally, but Eunice survived the best."
YOU KEEP THAT PART OF YOU ON THE GRIDDLE THAT NEEDS COOKING
"Seventy percent of disease causation right now is lifestyle and environment." --Elliott Dacher, M.D.
Interesting that there was a lead article on msn.com about happiness and aging. In sum, the article said that the older you get the happier you are -- because you learn to eliminate/avoid negative situations. I think, as an EQ coach, that you learn -- by good examples and bad examples -- what works for you.
Example: My client, I'll call her Paula, is stressing out about Christmas. Yes, for those who look ahead and plan (an EQ competency), it is time to start "thinking about Christmas." What you will do, with whom, where, and how. This includes budgeting, too. Paula now has grown children. 3 live in her same town, 2 live elsewhere, and one of them has a baby. Paula was talking about Christmas mainly in terms of how much she dreaded (1) the "mandatory" Christmas Eve visit to the in-laws; (2) not enough rooms for the kids, so who has to get a hotel; (3) working things out with the otherset of parents; (4) sitting and staring at each other Christmas Day because it's the "tradition" that everyone stay at the house all day; (5) not wanting a "public" exchanging of gifts because of the different incomes and life circumstances of the grown children.
Ultimately in our coaching session, Paula discovered that she wanted to "cancel" the "old Christmas" and "do something different" -- thereby eliminating a lot of negatives -- things that had proven to be unpleasant, things that she knew stressed her. And -- I led her to articulate -- that no one really enjoyed anymore, they just "thought they had to because they always had."
Paula began to construct a Christmas she would enjoy.
At one point she used the phrase "making a virtue of a necessity." The actuality is that Christmas is going to change, e.g., the couple with the baby would not want to travel. The son in New Mexico would not be able to have time off at Christmas. Paula just didn't like cooking the whole meal herself and felt resentful about it. One of the couples was struggling financially, and could hardly afford food and shelter, much less Christmas gifts.
Paula is deciding what she will keep, and what she will change. The main thing is that she is feeling a whole better about the whole situation because she realized that she has choices.
I invite you to do the same!
There are 3 things you can do with a situation you don't like:
BECOME A CERTIFIED COACH. I train and certify coaches internatinally. Email for more information. "Isolated people have vastly increased rate of premature death from all causes and are 3-5x likelier to die early than people with strong social ties." -- Dean Ornish Want to increase your social skills? Take THE EQ COURSE (tm). Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for information.
Other reasons to increase your emotional intelligence (EQ)?
The National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute is convinced there's a link between emotions and health. They've granted $30-million to Duke Univ. Medical Center to study 3,000 coronary patients who test high on depression and social isolation to try and enhance recovery.
"Adults remain social animals; they continue to require a source of stabilization outside themselves. That open-loop design means that in some important ways, people cannot be stable on their own -- not should or shouldn't, but can't be...Stability means finding people who regulate you well and staying near them." --Thomas Lewis, M.D.
[In EQ Emotional Intelligence tests] ... Substance abusers' key deficits turned out to be problem solving, social responsibility, and stress tolerance. Spousal abusers primarily lacked empathy and had poor impulse control and an inflated self-regard." -- US Air Force
There is a special place in heaven for fathers who find THE WAY to show their daughters they are going to get their heart broken.
I happened to talk to two clients this week - both of whose fathers had "guided" them away from unsuitable men. Susie's father refused to pay for her to fly to Texas for her usual summer at her grandmother's, thereby making it impossible to see the Lothario. He provided her with a great vacation in compensation.
In the other case, Yvonne's father said nothing, knowing if he did, it would drive her to the "Duke of Mantua."
Of course such a father is never happy to be "right."
Now, we all know that the great opera composer, Verdi, wrote about families -- as no one has before or since. There is a scene in "Rigoletto" that pertains to what I'm writing about. The best clip for seeing what's going on is from a movie of the opera, "Rigoletto," but it's disabled. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYRZOEzoOgQ
So here's the song. The Duke of Mantua is leading the daughter on, which her father knows, and her father drags her there and makes her watch it, to see for herself. This is one of the few quartets in opera: Bella Figlia Dell Amore (Beautiful Daughter of Love). This is painful for her and her father both, but not as painful as what would have happened if the daughter had continued down the path she was on.
There is a special place in heaven for people who are not afraid to help other people -- I mean as in getting their hands dirty.
Some people are too busy or simply won't take the time. Others have a "high road" attitude, thinking that the other person "must" learn how to do this themselves, and may give conceptual directions while they stand on the outside.
It's the rare friend who will help as in -- just do it.
I think we have gone too far about the "co-dependence" thing. A new term is "inter-dependence." I prefer to take on the term "splendid isolation." It is NOT a plus to be in splendid isolation!
Let me give you an example. I was over at a friend's house the other day. Let's call her Joanna. Marsha, Joanna and I were there.
Joanna started to panic. We could see it all over her. It turned out she had a dinner party to do that night, and ... well to her, that was very stressful. She happens to be a high-level professional in her community. But to her, a dinner party was off the radar screen.
Marsha looked, picked up on what was going on and said, "Ha! Let me do this. I mean, I'll just DO IT FOR YOU. It's easy for me, fun ... go read a book or something. Leave it to me" and in about 30 mins. she had the table redone, the dishes ready, the meal planned, and all the stress off.
We both enjoyed watching her 'working,' as for her, it was clearly "easy" and "joyful."
"Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and of family disagreements." ~ Queen Elizabeth II
Watch this, and then read this poem about laying a child to rest. God bless the 10th Avatars -- the Listeners and Healers of the world -- NF, GH, FRD and others ...
Listen to Puccini's "Humming Chorus" and then ... a poem about laying a dead child to rest ...
THE TENTH AVATAR
In the River City, in a city of one million, Alone and in precarious balance,
Threatening to submerge,
I held up for viewing and for safety
The most precious thing in the world:
My son – who he was and how he was;
Myself – who I am and how I am; and
My memories of him, his world and mine –
In totality, the universe as known to me,
All suns and stars and planets and galaxies,
And asked someone in all the world
To come and look
Before the end.
And you came, shielding your eyes,
And looked upon this terrible thing I held aloft
Blinding in its austerity –
For the thing was me and all that is mine
Destroyed –
More a beauty on the descending side of horror.
I painted memories into your unseeing eyes
Of the firm, round glows of his dimpled childhood
Of the pear-tasting blues of his peerless eyes,
Of the rose-scented sundazzles of his hair,
Of the trumpeting bronzes of his awards,
And of the slower Doppler shades of
Loved forever,
Lost forever,
Forevergone.
And my mournful song reverberated in the
Kind, wide hollows of your listening
As we gave words to the Humming Chorus.
We rocked upon gentle waves
As you carried us, like the River –
In this city of one million persons
Plus One –
Making slow and sorrowful circles,
Over and over again
With your silk-gloved palm,
In the tear-stained carrera,
Smoothing out the place to lay to rest
-- All piteous and wild –
My world, all planets and stars,
And my fair young son as well.
I laid him there,
In the place of our making,
And smoothed his hair,
And stroked his head,
And kissed the eyelashes
(Of which we have spoken),
One last time,
And gave him, my life, and all I’d known,
Back to the chaos,
Back to the void,
Held only in the caverns of your mind.
Reading notes: You know the Humming Chorus from "Madame Butterfly" ? All they do is hum.
Carrera - the most beautiful marble in the world from the mountains of Italy River City aka San Antonio, population one million
Finding has profound implications given the number of positive outcomes, including improved health and occupational success, that are known to be associated with having greater emotional intelligence one recent study even found a weak link between EI and orgasm frequency in women! After training and at 6-month follow-up, the training students but not the control students showed improvements in aspects of "trait" emotional intelligence normally considered immutable, including improvement in emotion identification and emotion management (of self and others' emotions). Surprisingly perhaps, "emotional understanding" showed no improvement.
"Overall these results are promising," the researchers said, "as they suggest that, with a proper methodology relying on the latest scientific knowledge ... some facets of EI can be enhanced but not all."
Findings could have potential application in health, educational and organisational settings
We know EQ training works. I have plenty of testimonials from emotional intelligence training clients and coaches. Give it a try!
Did you know that more than 47% of US households are headed by unmarried individuals? The American Association for Single People projects this figure will continue to rise in the coming decade. [Latest stats show there is a leveling off, perhaps a decline.] Therefore, if you are single you are not alone. And ' if you have single adults in your social circle, don't assume alone means 'lonely.'
As Thanksgiving approaches and we start making holiday plans, here are some things to keep in mind.
Perception: That it's terrible to be alone for the holidays. Reality: This is mostly a projection of married people who fear the unknown or could not tolerate being alone before they were married. The reality is that single people who observe what goes on at holiday get-togethers between couples, 50% of whom are destined to be divorced at some point, think there are worse things than being single.
Perception: That single people are desperate to be invited over for Thanksgiving dinner. Reality: Single people have myriad options and no one to consult. I can go on a cruise, stay home in my bathrobe and declare it a non-holiday, do meaningful volunteer work at the homeless shelter, invite friends over, or get a dinner reservation at a hotel. Or I can accept any one of the numerous invitations I get. Contrary to what you might think, we single people are popular at the holidays. Most of us have accomplished social skills and are welcome additions at holiday gatherings
Perception: Single people don't know what to do for holidays. Reality: We're used to planning our social lives actively, good at generating options, used to making unilateral decisions, and accomplished 'mixers.' We're pros!
Perception: Anyone who's single is fair-game to perform certain social tasks during the holiday celebration. Reality: We like to be cherished guests, just like everyone else. 'Can you come for Thanksgiving dinner. I need some help with Aunt Edna?' is not an invitation. If your family doesn't get along and you're inviting the single person to 'throw a steer in with the bulls,' that's not nice either. It's your problem; solve it yourself.
Perception: Single people are available to do certain physical tasks. Reality: This isn't an invitation either: 'Can you come over early and help out in the kitchen. I've got my hands full.' What about her husband? Her sisters? As best-friend, yes; as the only working-guest, absolutely not.
Perception: That the only "happy" way to spend the holidays is if you are a couple or part of a family. Reality: If that were so, half the articles on the Internet this time of year wouldn't be about how to cope with family at the annual holiday get-togethers.
Perception: That single people are miserable during the holidays. Reality: Yes, it can be difficult if it's their first Thanksgiving after a divorce or after a spouse has died, but the majority of single people are no more miserable than anyone else, and perhaps less so. Since being single (with grown children), I've had the same levels of pleasure, the same good and better holidays, but there's one thing for sure -- I'm more rested, and that in itself goes a long way.
So if you're thinking about including a single person in your family gathering, make sure it's because you want them there, for the wonderful person they are, and their good company, not to fulfill a function or because you think they'd be miserable if it weren't for your invitation.
A guest is a guest, whether they're single or married, and good manners prevail. Emotional Intelligence is about etiquette.
In 2002, suicide was the third leading cause of death for young males 15 to 24 years. Even though more women attempt suicide in the USA, four times as many men actually die using more violent methods.
A recent study conducted in Sweden on 320,000 males born between 1973 and 1980 found an intriguing relationship between males prone to suicides and their height and weight at birth.
Boys born 18.5 inches and shorter or less than 5.5 lbs at birth were found to be more prone to suicide as adults and either factor increased the likelihood of attempting a suicide by violent means. The study reported in the British Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health
TEENS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES? (What isn't getting on your nerves?)
In the northern hemisphere, oh, it's been summer for quite a while now. Kids home from school. Changes in routines. Heat. The promise of MORE heat. In Texas, a month of days over 100 degrees. Car trips with rest stops that are crowded and unplesant and there's too much junk food. Or not getting a vacation at all.
In most cases, we are spending more time with family -- kids home from school, relatives visiting, trips to see cousins, vacations -- and nerves are on edge.
It isn't called The Dog Days of Summer for nothing!!
Try using I-STATEMENTS.
People try and get us in to "control" battles about things we really can't. Try saying what YOU will do or allow, not trying to tell THEM what to do. It shares control and gives options. It 's enforceable, because it's about you. Here are some examples. Share yours!
My car leaves at 2 p.m. I'll be happy to buy ice cream cones for people who clean up their rooms. I have lunch with people who are pleasant. I'll take you to the ___ when I don't have to worry about fighting in the back seat. in the back seat. I'll listen when your voice is as calm as mine is. I keep the toys I have to pick up. You can keep the ones you pick up. I'll enjoy buying you clothes that I feel are appropriate. I'll be happy to listen to you as soon as Mom and I finish our conversation.
Give the other person a choice, using statements like the ones above.
Last point, and this is what's really tricky. These statements are not "natural." Usually we read about them, they become vogue. At first they're new, but then other people 'catch on.' The trick is to keep them fresh, and make sure your tone of voice doesn't become mocking or sarcastic.
Training and certifying coaches internationally. Now accepting a limited number of new coaching clients - personal life coaching, dating coaching, transitions, parenting, most areas.
HEAD OF HERCULES (CC Flickr User giopuo.)
THE PRODIGAL SON BY REMBRANDT. I was lucky enough to see this painting in the Hermitage. 
DO YOU ALWAYS FAST-FORWARD TO THE WORST-CASE SCENARIO??
THE LICTORS BRING TO BRUTUS THE BODIES OF HIS SONS
COACH CERTIFICATION PROGRAM
YOU KEEP THAT PART OF YOU ON THE GRIDDLE THAT NEEDS COOKING
BECOME A CERTIFIED COACH. I train and certify coaches internatinally. Email for more information.
To buy ebook, go HERE.
TEENS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES? (What isn't getting on your nerves?)
