Emotional Intelligence is the Missing Piece

Emotional Intelligence is "the missing piece" for most people. Other reactions are relief and excitement.

From the emailbag today, from JB in my coach certification program:

Susan, here is the info you requested. My brain is already full from reading this a.m.!!!!! Realize I have to create some files for all of this new stuff. I re-read the EQ stuff I took previously, then skimmed the foundation course you sent today. I'm just giddy with excitement when I read this stuff!!!

The coach certification program is fast, affordable, effective, highly-rated -- and fun! You will find it incredibly freeing and so will your clients.

Emotional Intelligence is an excellent frame for anything you want to work on, applicable to all fields, all issues your clients will ever present to you. Coaching is a growth field, i.e., I was at a training seminar the other day, and coaching was listed as one of the "new" paradigms for counseling.

Why Coaching is the Ideal Profession

That's what I've been missing! That's what I said to myself when I read #2 on the Self-Care Plan we were presented with in a recent seminar.

SELF-CARE PLAN
Spend plenty of quality time alone
Hold one focused, connected and meaningful conversation each day
Recharge your batteries daily
Do your job differently
Teach others
Create work breaks
Confront the source of stress

As to this "one focused, connected and meaningful conversation each day" -- I have probably always made that a part of every day, even before I went into coaching.

However, 3 years ago, I moved to a new town in order to help with a family situation, and in the new town, the supply of people with whom I could have a focused, connected and meaningful conversation had to rebuilt. I mean people I could have lunch or dinner with, or meet for a walk in the park cum talk, etc.

I just moved again, and I guess there are more people here interested in focused, connected and meaningful conversations -- or else I'm just having good luck running in to them.

At the same time, I think that's one of the reasons why COACHING IS THE IDEAL PROFESSION. I get to have focused, connected and meaningful conversations all day long most days! Let's say coaching is relatively stress free and for these reasons: the focused, connected and meaningful conversations; being able to do your work in any way you choose to; being able to schedule work breaks ... well you get the picture. When you work for yourself, in a field that is innately about focus, connection and meaning - and can set your own hours and be your own boss -- it's so wonderful.

If you'd like to become a certified coach, email me and we'll arrange a program individualized to fit your needs, background, and areas of interest. sdunn@susandunn.cc . I offer intensives in the D. C. area if you are interested. You can be certified as a life coach, welllness coach, emotional intelligence coach, EQ coach, transitions coach, retirement coach, teen coach, parenting coach ... or name one and check it out with me.

Advantages of this program are:

Available intrenationally - all long-distance
Highly-rated
Effective
Affordable
Fast
Comprehensive
Individualized

Roadstop!

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE ON THE ROAD

Me 'n' my bros took a catnap on the way back from Richmond. I realized I was just too tired to be driving, so I pulled off into a truck stop, where all the LD drivers pull over to take a nap when they need to.

BTW, in Europe, the tour bus drivers have to clock in and out with a card proving that every so many hours, they pull over and rest for X number of minutes. Their logs are checked regularly to make sure they are doing this. Of course it gives us on the bus time for a drink, rest stop, buy a souvenir, etc. It's a win-win. They say it has improved safety over there by a huge percent.

I dozed for about 20 minutes, then woke up and was ready to go again.

Learning news material is exhilirating and also exhausting. Come learn what I learned. I am incorporating new material in the EQ Course, Resilience course, and coach certification program all the time.

I am an optimist - Winston Churchill

DO YOU ALWAYS FAST-FORWARD TO THE WORST-CASE SCENARIO??

“For myself I am an optimist, it does not seem to be much use being anything else”- Winston Churchill

"Learned optimism" is part of emotional intelligence. Resilience, for instance, (an EQ competency) means being able to bounce back from setbacks, losses and defeats and still retain hope and good spirits -- in other words, remaining optimistic.

It means not attributing bad or ambivalent things as "personal, permanent, and pervasive." This means, if she doesn't answer your email, DON'T THINK it's because she doesn't like you (personal), that no woman ever will (permanent), and/or that you have this sort of rejection in all areas (pervasive). Think instead that, like all the rest of us, she may be busy or having troubles with her computer. Or think about the fireflies outside!

We consier optimism to be the FACILITATOR of Emotional Intelligence -- because if you don't think you can do it, why would you even try?

In the new training program the Army is instigating (see post below), they will start teaching soldiers how to change their thinking, to build resilience (and stress tolerance). For instance, if they call home and their wife doesn't answer, don't immediately go to, "She must be out with another man."

Think of all the times you fast-forward to something that is probably unlikely AND makes you sick. Working with your own self-talk is part of emotional intelligence.

Military Mental Stress Training Program

It's about time the "military culture" quit considered "talk of emotions to be so much hand-holding, a sign of weakness," and started teaching emotional intelligence as a preventive measure.

Prevention is the Best Cure.

From the article, "Mental Stress Training is Planned for U. S. Soldiers"

In an interview, Gen. George W. Casey Jr., the Army’s chief of staff, said the $117 million program was an effort to transform a military culture that has generally considered talk of emotions to be so much hand-holding, a sign of weakness.

Note that the article still refers to it as "MENTAL" training. In Emotional Intelligence, we consider the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual for wellness and wholeness.

To sign up for the EQ Course, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

The Lictors Bring to Brutus the Bodies of His Sons

THE LICTORS BRING TO BRUTUS THE BODIES OF HIS SONS

I write poetry, as many of you know. I often use great works of art for inspiration. This one I was never able to write a poem about. It is too ... it is too...

It is also a male experience, I cannot really get my mind around.

It is said that the full title of the painting, by Jacques Louis David, which I recently saw in the Louvres -- yes, we turned a corner on our tour and there it was -- is "Brutus Returning Home after Having Sentenced His Sons for Plotting a Tarquinian Restoration and Conspiring against Roman Freedom; the Lictors Bring their Bodies to be Buried."

The story is that Brutus, as you know, overthrew Caesar. He overthrew the monarchy and thereby established the Roman Republic. Then his sons turned around and plotted to assasinate Brutus, in order to restore the monarchy. As a judge, it was Brutus' job to render the verdict when his sons were caught. He condemned them to death.

In the painting, the lictors bring the bodies into the house. On the right are Brutus' wife, and probably the daughters-in-law, and maybe their daughter as well.

I use this painting in The EQ Course, where we analyze the painting. Why would David choose such a moment to paint? Because there can be few moments as horrible, so full of emotion, and it was worthy of his great talent. It is a moment of intense emotion frozen in time -- like a poem. We look at the postures, the expressions, the placement of the figures and practise finding the words (emotional expression). Look, for instance, at 'the hand that once ruled the world.' Look at Brutus' feet. See how he sits in the dark. And the look on his face; it is almost too much to bear.

There is a purpose to everything an artist does. The canvas is his; the topic is his. David puts the women on the right, in the light. He puts the man on the left in the dark. Why? Share your thoughts.

When taking the course, and working on this painting, one of my students wrote: "I never knew all that was in a painting. Thank you."

How can we thank the artists?

Reconnecting with Poetry

RIP dear hospice patient Ben. Thx 4 reconnecting me 2 poetry, discussions about emotional risk + sharing ur last few months on this glor ...
This was a message to me on facebook from Catherine.

We turn to poetry in time of need. We turn to poets, who make a journey for us, distill it, and send it back to us. "Good poetry is disturbing." Poets can interpret our feelings for us, often using metaphor, and comparing two objects which are really not similar. I love the language of poetry.

There is a fair amount of poetry, and a good deal of great art, mythology, and classical music (including opera) in my EQ Course. Time and time again I have seen people turn to great art for relief in time of pain and crisis. It connects those things that are universal.

When I was taking a training course with a hospital chaplain, he said to me, "When this generation [now 30] reaches middle age, we are going to see despair such as we have never seen before. Why? Because they do not have a foundation in the fine arts." I invite you to explore art and culture!

POETRY
I write poetry. I have written poetry to define, refine and distill my feelings during tragedy and hard time. I have written poems of joy as well. When you think of it, most people in love write poetry! It doesn't take any special requirements. You don't have to have a college degree, or even to have finished high school. It isn't about intellect.

In fact one of the most touching poems I've read was sent to me by a man whose son had died at the age of 20. The man sent me a poem he had written. Here is part of it:

We sat down at the table to eat but we couldn't get it down
Because the one whos supposed to be at the table ain't.

I bow my head to this man.

MUSIC
I have a friend who is a lawyer. The lawyer who trained her, for whom she worked for 15 years, had died and she was devastated, but she told me she "couldn't even cry.". She told me she couldn't get any relief from the grief and didn't know what to do. She finally went to a therapist and he told her to listen to "Time to Say Goodbye," which Andrea Bocelli sings - with many people, in many different languages. The therapist told her to listen to it in a language she didn't know, that she would still benefit from it. In other words, listen to "Con Te Partiro."

Art and music, story-telling, dance, they all go to the right brain, without interference from the "tyranical" left brain.

The story of "Time to Say Goodbye" is an incredible one. You can read it about it on my Vivo Per Lei (I Live for Music) website.



For more about the healing benefits of music, see Club Vivo Per Lei. I'd love to have you join.

Strong Souls needed for Coaching

"All strong souls first go to hell before they do the healing of the world they came here for. If we are lucky, we return to help those still trapped below."

COACH CERTIFICATION PROGRAM

I have trained and certified coaches all over the world -- Great Britain, all over the US, Malaysia, South Africa, Wales, Australia, the Phillipines, and more.

People often ask me what are the requirements to get into my coach certification program. The credential I look for first, in accepting a person to train for coaching, is life experience. College degrees don't matter as much as wanting to help other people, and having had a rich variety of life experiences. These two things cannot be taught. The rest of the things necessary can be taught.

I train long-distance -- via phone and email. The program is fast, effective, affordable and highly-rated. The core material is on the Internet, in interactive programs. I also offer 1-day intensives in the D. C. area. If you would like more information, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc . I would love to be your coach, and your coach trainer.

What to Get Her for Christmas

Coaching is good.
Having an Angel is better.
Being an Angel is the most fun of all!

As the Christmas season approaches, take a look at the gifts Andre gives his friends:

Emotional Intelligence Saved Eunice Kennedy

A LIFE SAVING DASH OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Emotional Intelligence saved Eunice Kennedy

According to an article in The Guardian:

Eunice had all the Kennedy glamour, but with a life-saving dash of emotional intelligence

Commenting on Eunice's remarkable qualities, another observer wrote that "all the Kennedys were blocked, totally blocked emotionally, but Eunice survived the best."

The Poet Leonard Cohen

"Good poetry disturbs."

And there is no poet like Leonard Cohen, who is a singer and composer as well.



Poets and artists understanding the binding quality of art.
Whoever put this video together was an artist as well.

IN MEMORIAM, Alfred Lord Tennyson

But, for the unquiet heart and brain,
A use in measured language lies;
The sad mechanic exercise,
Like dull narcotics, numbing pain. ...

About the Stress of The Holidays

YOU KEEP THAT PART OF YOU ON THE GRIDDLE THAT NEEDS COOKING

"Seventy percent of disease causation right now is lifestyle and environment." --Elliott Dacher, M.D.

Interesting that there was a lead article on msn.com about happiness and aging. In sum, the article said that the older you get the happier you are -- because you learn to eliminate/avoid negative situations. I think, as an EQ coach, that you learn -- by good examples and bad examples -- what works for you.

Example: My client, I'll call her Paula, is stressing out about Christmas. Yes, for those who look ahead and plan (an EQ competency), it is time to start "thinking about Christmas." What you will do, with whom, where, and how. This includes budgeting, too. Paula now has grown children. 3 live in her same town, 2 live elsewhere, and one of them has a baby. Paula was talking about Christmas mainly in terms of how much she dreaded (1) the "mandatory" Christmas Eve visit to the in-laws; (2) not enough rooms for the kids, so who has to get a hotel; (3) working things out with the otherset of parents; (4) sitting and staring at each other Christmas Day because it's the "tradition" that everyone stay at the house all day; (5) not wanting a "public" exchanging of gifts because of the different incomes and life circumstances of the grown children.

Ultimately in our coaching session, Paula discovered that she wanted to "cancel" the "old Christmas" and "do something different" -- thereby eliminating a lot of negatives -- things that had proven to be unpleasant, things that she knew stressed her. And -- I led her to articulate -- that no one really enjoyed anymore, they just "thought they had to because they always had."

Paula began to construct a Christmas she would enjoy.

At one point she used the phrase "making a virtue of a necessity." The actuality is that Christmas is going to change, e.g., the couple with the baby would not want to travel. The son in New Mexico would not be able to have time off at Christmas. Paula just didn't like cooking the whole meal herself and felt resentful about it. One of the couples was struggling financially, and could hardly afford food and shelter, much less Christmas gifts.

Paula is deciding what she will keep, and what she will change. The main thing is that she is feeling a whole better about the whole situation because she realized that she has choices.

I invite you to do the same!

There are 3 things you can do with a situation you don't like:

Change the situation
Change your attitude
Leave

Isolation is hard on your health

BECOME A CERTIFIED COACH. I train and certify coaches internatinally. Email for more information.

"Isolated people have vastly increased rate of premature death from all causes and are 3-5x likelier to die early than people with strong social ties." -- Dean Ornish
Want to increase your social skills? Take THE EQ COURSE (tm). Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc for information.

Other reasons to increase your emotional intelligence (EQ)?

The National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute is convinced there's a link between emotions and health. They've granted $30-million to Duke Univ. Medical Center to study 3,000 coronary patients who test high on depression and social isolation to try and enhance recovery.

"Adults remain social animals; they continue to require a source of stabilization outside themselves. That open-loop design means that in some important ways, people cannot be stable on their own -- not should or shouldn't, but can't be...Stability means finding people who regulate you well and staying near them." --Thomas Lewis, M.D.

[In EQ Emotional Intelligence tests] ... Substance abusers' key deficits turned out to be problem solving, social responsibility, and stress tolerance. Spousal abusers primarily lacked empathy and had poor impulse control and an inflated self-regard." -- US Air Force

Fathers who take care of their daughters

There is a special place in heaven for fathers who find THE WAY to show their daughters they are going to get their heart broken.

I happened to talk to two clients this week - both of whose fathers had "guided" them away from unsuitable men. Susie's father refused to pay for her to fly to Texas for her usual summer at her grandmother's, thereby making it impossible to see the Lothario. He provided her with a great vacation in compensation.

In the other case, Yvonne's father said nothing, knowing if he did, it would drive her to the "Duke of Mantua."

Of course such a father is never happy to be "right."

Now, we all know that the great opera composer, Verdi, wrote about families -- as no one has before or since. There is a scene in "Rigoletto" that pertains to what I'm writing about. The best clip for seeing what's going on is from a movie of the opera, "Rigoletto," but it's disabled. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYRZOEzoOgQ

So here's the song. The Duke of Mantua is leading the daughter on, which her father knows, and her father drags her there and makes her watch it, to see for herself. This is one of the few quartets in opera: Bella Figlia Dell Amore (Beautiful Daughter of Love). This is painful for her and her father both, but not as painful as what would have happened if the daughter had continued down the path she was on.

The joy of helping. it's not a bad word.

There is a special place in heaven for people who are not afraid to help other people -- I mean as in getting their hands dirty.

Some people are too busy or simply won't take the time. Others have a "high road" attitude, thinking that the other person "must" learn how to do this themselves, and may give conceptual directions while they stand on the outside.

It's the rare friend who will help as in -- just do it.

I think we have gone too far about the "co-dependence" thing. A new term is "inter-dependence." I prefer to take on the term "splendid isolation." It is NOT a plus to be in splendid isolation!

Let me give you an example. I was over at a friend's house the other day. Let's call her Joanna. Marsha, Joanna and I were there.

Joanna started to panic. We could see it all over her. It turned out she had a dinner party to do that night, and ... well to her, that was very stressful. She happens to be a high-level professional in her community. But to her, a dinner party was off the radar screen.

Marsha looked, picked up on what was going on and said, "Ha! Let me do this. I mean, I'll just DO IT FOR YOU. It's easy for me, fun ... go read a book or something. Leave it to me" and in about 30 mins. she had the table redone, the dishes ready, the meal planned, and all the stress off.

We both enjoyed watching her 'working,' as for her, it was clearly "easy" and "joyful."

Why not "help" in that way?

I guess that's the essence of coaching.

Waffles v. Spaghetti

Yes, men and women are different. (You read it hear first).

Someone sent me this funny and very truer video, which gives us yet another look at the "men are from Mars and women are from Venus."

Enjoy this great video ... To learn more about male/female hard-wiring, take The EQ Course or email me for coaching - sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Exactly Where to Touch a Naked Man Sex, Love & Life: glamour.com

Exactly Where to Touch a Naked Man Sex, Love & Life: glamour.com

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Like all the best families ...

a>FAMILIES

"Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and of family disagreements." ~ Queen Elizabeth II

The Tenth Avatar by Susan Dunn

Watch this, and then read this poem about laying a child to rest.
God bless the 10th Avatars -- the Listeners and Healers of the world -- NF, GH, FRD and others ...



Listen to Puccini's "Humming Chorus" and then ... a poem about laying a dead child to rest ...



THE
TENTH
AVATAR


In the River City, in a city of one million,
Alone and in precarious balance,

Threatening to submerge,

I held up for viewing and for safety

The most precious thing in the world:

My son – who he was and how he was;

Myself – who I am and how I am; and

My memories of him, his world and mine –

In totality, the universe as known to me,

All suns and stars and planets and galaxies,

And asked someone in all the world

To come and look

Before the end.


And you came, shielding your eyes,

And looked upon this terrible thing I held aloft

Blinding in its austerity –

For the thing was me and all that is mine

Destroyed –

More a beauty on the descending side of horror.


I painted memories into your unseeing eyes

Of the firm, round glows of his dimpled childhood

Of the pear-tasting blues of his peerless eyes,

Of the rose-scented sundazzles of his hair,

Of the trumpeting bronzes of his awards,

And of the slower Doppler shades of

Loved forever,

Lost forever,

Forevergone.

And my mournful song reverberated in the

Kind, wide hollows of your listening

As we gave words to the Humming Chorus.


We rocked upon gentle waves

As you carried us, like the River –

In this city of one million persons

Plus One –

Making slow and sorrowful circles,

Over and over again

With your silk-gloved palm,

In the tear-stained carrera,

Smoothing out the place to lay to rest

-- All piteous and wild –

My world, all planets and stars,

And my fair young son as well.


I laid him there,

In the place of our making,

And smoothed his hair,

And stroked his head,

And kissed the eyelashes

(Of which we have spoken),

One last time,

And gave him, my life, and all I’d known,

Back to the chaos,

Back to the void,

Held only in the caverns of your mind.


Reading notes: You know the Humming Chorus from "Madame Butterfly" ? All they do is hum.

Carrera - the most beautiful marble in the world from the mountains of Italy
River City aka San Antonio, population one million

Study shows emotional training does work!

To buy ebook, go HERE.

Notes from article: Emotional Intelligence training does work - 08-08-2009

Finding has profound implications given the number of positive outcomes, including improved health and occupational success, that are known to be associated with having greater emotional intelligence
one recent study even found a weak link between EI and orgasm frequency in women!
After training and at 6-month follow-up, the training students but not the control students showed improvements in aspects of "trait" emotional intelligence normally considered immutable, including improvement in emotion identification and emotion management (of self and others' emotions).
Surprisingly perhaps, "emotional understanding" showed no improvement.

"Overall these results are promising," the researchers said, "as they suggest that, with a proper methodology relying on the latest scientific knowledge ... some facets of EI can be enhanced but not all."

Findings could have potential application in health, educational and organisational settings

We know EQ training works. I have plenty of testimonials from emotional intelligence training clients and coaches. Give it a try!

Single for Thanksgiving

SINGLE FOR THANKSGIVING? Alone for the holidays?

Did you know that more than 47% of US households are headed by unmarried individuals? The American Association for Single People projects this figure will continue to rise in the coming decade. [Latest stats show there is a leveling off, perhaps a decline.] Therefore, if you are single you are not alone. And ' if you have single adults in your social circle, don't assume alone means 'lonely.'

As Thanksgiving approaches and we start making holiday plans, here are some things to keep in mind.

Perception: That it's terrible to be alone for the holidays.
Reality: This is mostly a projection of married people who fear the unknown or could not tolerate being alone before they were married. The reality is that single people who observe what goes on at holiday get-togethers between couples, 50% of whom are destined to be divorced at some point, think there are worse things than being single.

Perception: That single people are desperate to be invited over for Thanksgiving dinner. Reality: Single people have myriad options and no one to consult. I can go on a cruise, stay home in my bathrobe and declare it a non-holiday, do meaningful volunteer work at the homeless shelter, invite friends over, or get a dinner reservation at a hotel. Or I can accept any one of the numerous invitations I get. Contrary to what you might think, we single people are popular at the holidays. Most of us have accomplished social skills and are welcome additions at holiday gatherings

Perception: Single people don't know what to do for holidays.
Reality: We're used to planning our social lives actively, good at generating options, used to making unilateral decisions, and accomplished 'mixers.' We're pros!

Perception: Anyone who's single is fair-game to perform certain social tasks during the holiday celebration.
Reality: We like to be cherished guests, just like everyone else. 'Can you come for Thanksgiving dinner. I need some help with Aunt Edna?' is not an invitation. If your family doesn't get along and you're inviting the single person to 'throw a steer in with the bulls,' that's not nice either. It's your problem; solve it yourself.

Perception: Single people are available to do certain physical tasks.
Reality: This isn't an invitation either: 'Can you come over early and help out in the kitchen. I've got my hands full.' What about her husband? Her sisters? As best-friend, yes; as the only working-guest, absolutely not.

Perception: That the only "happy" way to spend the holidays is if you are a couple or part of a family. Reality: If that were so, half the articles on the Internet this time of year wouldn't be about how to cope with family at the annual holiday get-togethers.

Perception: That single people are miserable during the holidays.
Reality: Yes, it can be difficult if it's their first Thanksgiving after a divorce or after a spouse has died, but the majority of single people are no more miserable than anyone else, and perhaps less so. Since being single (with grown children), I've had the same levels of pleasure, the same good and better holidays, but there's one thing for sure -- I'm more rested, and that in itself goes a long way.

So if you're thinking about including a single person in your family gathering, make sure it's because you want them there, for the wonderful person they are, and their good company, not to fulfill a function or because you think they'd be miserable if it weren't for your invitation.

A guest is a guest, whether they're single or married, and good manners prevail. Emotional Intelligence is about etiquette.

About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional development. Coach training and certification -- long distance. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free ezine.

Males and Suicide

Males and suicide

In 2002, suicide was the third leading cause of death for young males 15 to 24 years. Even though more women attempt suicide in the USA, four times as many men actually die using more violent methods.

A recent study conducted in Sweden on 320,000 males born between 1973 and 1980 found an intriguing relationship between males prone to suicides and their height and weight at birth.

Boys born 18.5 inches and shorter or less than 5.5 lbs at birth were found to be more prone to suicide as adults and either factor increased the likelihood of attempting a suicide by violent means. The study reported in the British Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health

From Nafella

Kids, Summer, Heat - Combustible Combinations

TEENS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES? (What isn't getting on your nerves?)

In the northern hemisphere, oh, it's been summer for quite a while now. Kids home from school. Changes in routines. Heat. The promise of MORE heat. In Texas, a month of days over 100 degrees. Car trips with rest stops that are crowded and unplesant and there's too much junk food. Or not getting a vacation at all.

In most cases, we are spending more time with family -- kids home from school, relatives visiting, trips to see cousins, vacations -- and nerves are on edge.

It isn't called The Dog Days of Summer for nothing!!

Try using I-STATEMENTS.

People try and get us in to "control" battles about things we really can't. Try saying what YOU will do or allow, not trying to tell THEM what to do. It shares control and gives options. It 's enforceable, because it's about you. Here are some examples. Share yours!

My car leaves at 2 p.m.
I'll be happy to buy ice cream cones for people who clean up their rooms.
I have lunch with people who are pleasant.
I'll take you to the ___ when I don't have to worry about fighting in the back seat.
in the back seat.
I'll listen when your voice is as calm as mine is.
I keep the toys I have to pick up. You can keep the ones you pick up.
I'll enjoy buying you clothes that I feel are appropriate.
I'll be happy to listen to you as soon as Mom and I finish our conversation.

Give the other person a choice, using statements like the ones above.

Last point, and this is what's really tricky. These statements are not "natural." Usually we read about them, they become vogue. At first they're new, but then other people 'catch on.' The trick is to keep them fresh, and make sure your tone of voice doesn't become mocking or sarcastic.

Give them a real chance to work.

Emotional men were a crying shame and now they end in tears - Press & Journal

Emotional men were a crying shame and now they end in tears - Press & Journal

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Why Doctors should get Emotional Intelligence Coaching

"People just don't sue doctors they like," said leading medical malpractice lawyer Alice Burkin. She continues:

"In all the years I've been in this business, I've never had a potential client walk in and say, 'I really like this doctor, and I feel terrible about doing it, but I want to sue him.' We've had people come in saying they want to sue some specialist, and we'll say, 'We don't think that doctor was negligent. We think it's your primary care doctor who was at fault.' And the client will say, 'I don't care what she did. I love her, and I'm not suing her.'

This was quoted in "Blink," which is about intuition, gut feeling, "social skills," etc. Burkin states litigious client as saying things like -- "She never looked at me as a whole person," and the doctor didn't treat the person "like a human being."

In further research, Wendy Levinson found that never-sued surgeons had spent more than 3 mins. longer with each patient -- 18.3 v. 15 mins.

Doctors who had never been sued also did these things - all realted to high Emotional Intelligence (EQ) which can be learned:

--The never-sued doctors made "orienting comments" like telling the patient he/she would allow time for question
--Engaged in active listening
--Doctors who got sued had voices that sounded "dominant", not warm
--Their tone of voice communicated respect and a dominant tone of voice is "corrosive" and gets the doctor sued

"Blink" author Malcolm Gladwell says when you visit a doctor and sense he "isn't listening to you, that he's talking down to you, and that he isn't treating you with respect, listen to that feeling.

That feeling is your INTUITION. It's your surest guide.

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) coaching -- with practical examples and exercises -- can help you hone your intuition. It may help you keep from being sued, if you're a doctor. It can help all your relationships, and there is always room for improvement. Take an EQ assessment, get coaching. It can also be crucial to your HEALTH, since, as Candace Pert showed, our emotions live in every cell of our body. 5 minutes of anger can suppress your immune system for up to 8 hours.

What if you have contempt for your spouse

Emotions and attitudes can kill a marriage. According to researcher John Gottman, these are the 4 Horses of the Apocalypse:

Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Criticism
Contempt

And of these, contempt is the most harmful. (This is often displayed by rolling the eyes.) Gottman explains what we know:

"You would think criticism would be the worst, because criticism is a global condemnation of a person's character. Yet contempt is qualitatively different from criticism. With criticism I might say to my wife, 'You never listen, you are really selfish and insensitive. Well, she's going to respond defensively to that. That's not very good for our problem solving and interaction. But if I speak from a superior plane, that's far more damaging, and contempt is any statement made from a higher level. A lot of time it's an insult: 'You are a bitch. You're scum.' It's trying to put that person on a lower plane than you are. It's hierarchical."

He adds that contempt and disgust are close -- they infer completely rejecting the person from community, ostracizing them.

Disgust is one of the basic emotions from the reptilian brain. In other words, "automatic." In one of the couples they interviewed about how they met, the woman said she had been disgusted by the man's behavior on the first date. She then went on to marry him.

At times we go on "instinct", without thinking, and it turns out bad. Sometimes we over-ride "instinct" by thinking, and it turns out bad.

Instinct, intuition, "gut-feeling" is a wonderful tool if you understand how it works, and how it works for you. It is generally a disaster to ignore it, have it confused with fantasy, etc.

To learn more about your intuition, take my Intuition Course, or The EQ Course (tm). These courses are on the Internet, interactive, with feedback, and may be combined with coaching.

Emotional Intelligence competencies can be learned, and intuition is one of them.

Leon Fleisher's Birthday - an Inspiration

Today is Leon Fleisher's birthday. He is a gifted pianist who had to do without the use of his right hand for 30 years. Miraculously he regained its use after many years.

Keep the faith -- and never say "never"!

Leon Fleisher's started out as a concert pianist and his career was thriving in 1964. Then he cut himself, and had dystonia, which led to the involuntary curling of his right hand's ring and little fingers. He was unable to use it to play the piano, even after surgery in 1983. He also endured the end of his marriage, and despair, but learned to play one-handed pieces, and enjoyed teaching and conducting.

Finally, with Botox and Rolfing, he is now able to use his right hand again.

Miracles happen every day.

The Meta Message: Confusing?

SIGN IN PORT-OF-CALL TOWN of SORRENTO (it enforced a confusing METAmessage - see below)

"His tone of voice, facial expression, and all the elements of conversational style gave her clues as to how he felt about her going."

Thus writes Deborah Tannen, Ph.D. She is describing the important of metamessages - the things we get BEYOND the words, the things that indicate how the person FEELS about the factual things that are going on.

This is why it is so important to study emotional intelligence. Especially in today's increasingly multicultural framework.

How do you artistically orchestrate all the people in your organization? Or extended family?

Tannen describes a metamessage:

A Greek woman explained how she and her father communicated. If she wanted to do something, like go to a dance, she had to ask her father for permission. He never said no. [You must watch for this in other cultures!!]

But she could tell from the way he said yes whether or not he meant it. Ir he said something like "Yes, of course, go," then she knew he thought it was a good idea. If he said something like "If you want, you can go," then she understood that he didn't think it was a good idea and she wouldn't go.

Why didn't he just tell her outright? you might ask. Why wasn't he "honest?" Tannen adds: Well, he did tell her, in a way that was clear to both her and him.

"Honest" is getting the point across, and we have many ways of doing this. It's important you understand the communication within the system you are living or working in. Much of it is "meta".

ABOUT THE SIGN: As a cruise passenger, you assume, of course, that the port-of-call folks are waiting for your arrival. It feeds their economy. However, people who don't travel much, read about how "the ____ hate Americans," or "the ____ hate tourists."

In point of fact, the towns that the cruises and tours visit are waiting for the passengers, waiting to sell us things! Yes, they are happy to see us. I saw this sign in Sorrento this summer and it made me very happy to see it. I hadn't seen one like that before. Even though I assume ... it's nice to see it written. They were the only store in town that had a sign like that our front, and I was so impressed, that's where I went to spend my money.

You can't eat money

Numb=Dumb

THE ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE
Thomas Leonard - the father of coaching - his birthday is coming up, July 31.

Fun facts? I was on Thomas Leonard's R&D team, and I am also a founding member of Coachville. I miss T's presence very much, R.I.P.
One reason I absolutely adored working with Thomas Leonard was that he was quick. He "got it" right away. He could go as fast as I could and we moved at the speed of light. I like that, and my EQ (emotional intelligence) programs and coaching are designed to increase the speed of your operating system. You will be smarter AND you will be liked a lot more. Nobody likes (as T says) DUMB, NUMB, CLUELESS PEOPLE.
Attraction Principle #18. Sensitize Yourslf to Notice and Feel Everything (isn't that EQ???)
by Thomas Leonard

It's fair to say that Attraction is a fairly quiet, more subtle approach to living and success. It's sophisticated and a high-end personal operating system. And to fully benefit from Attraction, the person adopting the Attraction OS needs to become more sensitive to themselves, their environments and subtle changes in others.

Why the need to become more sensitive? Because the less sensitive, more numb or more loud you are, the less you will notice what's going on in or around you. And for Attraction to work well, you'll need to sense things earlier than the average person, in order to respond to them earlier and more precisely.

If you've not sensitized yourself, the opportunities will pass you by before you have a chance to respond to them.
Numb=ignorance.
Numb=delayed reaction.
Numb=dumb.
All are unattractive.

1. Identify and reduce/eliminate numbing substances.

Alcohol, narcotics and sugar are proven numb-ers. While nothing is wrong with any of these items, you ARE reducing your body's natural ability to consistently feel and be present. So, even though you may 'feel' more while under the influence, the experience is always temporary and is not sustainable.

2. Identify and reduce/eliminate numbing behaviors.

Watching television, overeating, coping and love/sex addiction are good examples of numbing behaviors. You either overload your senses with too much input, or begin to 'feel' only when engaged in a specific activity. Again, nothing is wrong with any of these items, but as in #1 above, the experience is always temporary and is not sustainable.

3. Identify and reduce/eliminate numbing environments or situations.

If you're in a stressful home, work or lifestyle situation, you probably can't afford to feel all that is going on -- it might be too much for your body/heart/mind. So, the best thing to might be to get out of the situation before you open up your senses. However, the process of letting yourself become sensitized (feel) is usually enough to motivate a person to make big environmental/situation changes without having to 'decide' to. When your body has been sensitized properly, it won't PERMIT you to remain in situations which are not good for you. Your body knows even if your mind resists.

4. Identify and clean-up what motivates you.

It's hard to feel what's present around you if you're busy striving for something. The striving energy overrides the more subtle feeling energy. It's like television --it's a POWERFUL force and hard to keep one's senses when they are being so overstimulated by a manufactured source. Much of what motivates us is fairly expensive and future-oriented. Feelings live in the present. (However, EMOTIONAL REACTIONS [often confused with feelings] live in both the past and future.) It's very, very possible to be 100% motivated by the present, although this a major shift for most folks.

5. Make the choice/priority to sense and feel all of what is occurring inside and outside of you.

It's common to play the 'ignorance is bliss' game when it comes to feeling and sensing. Many of us would simply rather not know! And that's completely understandable. However, if you make the choice to WANT to feel and sense more, pretty soon you'll become intrigued and fascinated by all that you are sensing/feeling -- and you really will WANT to know, because it's so interesting. But to take this step, you'll probably need to believe that feelings are something worthwhile enough about which to become an expert in. (They ARE, but it may take a while for a person to see the tangible benefits from making this shift. There's no rush.)

6. Identify and reduce/eliminate the emotional blocks to your natural ability to feel.

Therapists can be very helpful in the process of emotional healing. Sometimes, emotional scars from childhood or adulthood kink up our ability to sense and respond to the FULL spectrum of life/feelings. There are either blockages or damage which gunk up the system. If you've got some emotional damage or baggage, it's hard to feel 'in the present' when you're tethered to the past.

7. Realize that more 'knowledge' is contained in feeling/sensing that is conveyed literally, intellectually or linearly.

If you've been looking for a practical or financially-beneficial reason to get on the sensitivity track, you've just found it. The point here is that words/language are not able to keep up with changing events in business or in evolving customer preferences. By the time the subtle change is first noticed (usually far later than it should be), and this information is passed up to those in power to do something about the product/design, and then get translated into English, sold to the buyers and then made available to the consumers, the original change may have changed again OR the gist of it was lost in the various translations.

I think if a company wanted to be REALLY smart, they'd place a gifted 'sensitized' person on the customer service hotline once a week so they could pick up on the subtle and obvious problems/requests that customers have. In the music business they have experts called 'ears' who can just tell if a band has a marketable sound or not. And coffee and tea tasters can recognize the SUBTLE differences in flavors / qualities. Their taste buds have been sensitized to the point of recognizing what 99%of the population cannot even if they were trying to.

8. Learn to feel vs just emotionally react.

I mentioned this distinction earlier in the list, but it's pretty important. Feelings are what you feel which are true for you all by themselves, right now. Emotional reactions are what you feel now that are really just echoes of something you felt in the past. A LOT of what we humans feel are really just emotional reactions. So, feelings get a bad rap sometimes. And, of course, in this top ten list we're talking about becoming sensitized which is even more than feeling. But the point is that if you're busy emotionally reacting to stuff a lot, you won't be feeling a whole lot and you'll not be sensitized.

9. Deliberately respond to inklings or bare traces to sensation instead of waiting for 'enough evidence' to respond to something. In other words, guess and trust.

Feeling is a skill that for many of us takes experimentation and practice to develop. As you find yourself sensing things earlier and deeper -- and then responding to them faster -- you're probably on this track of sensitivity. Because when you've been sensitized, you don't just feel or sense; you naturally respond to events, people, and situations. You don't have to 'decide' to respond; when you're really sensitized, you just do. Your body doesn't give you a chance to vote. The trick is to 'give in' to feelings and senses even before you can fully describe them.

10. Realize that by the time you can explain or fully describe/articulate something that most of the opportunity has already passed.

This one has been somewhat described in #9 above, but the point here in #10 is that most real opportunities occur far sooner than most people notice them. And just because you didn't notice an opportunity immediately, doesn't mean that you can't benefit from it later, but some of the fun in life and business is to be at the leading edge and on the curve instead of behind the curve. The idea is to be flexible and fast on your feet, eager to play in newly dawning arenas. When you relocate your personal ZIP CODE to this place, you'll find some really cool people who have been waiting for you to join them. And, THEY are attractive.
[Your thoughts on this Attraction Principle? What are the potential pitfalls to it, and are they worth risking for the benefits Thomas outlines? How have you noticed the principle in action in your life? Where could sensitizing yourself be useful to you today? Click here to comment.]

Copyright 1997-2009 CoachVille.com and BestofThomas.com. All rights reserved. Used with permission.

Email me for coaching. NOW. ASAP! No need to explain, articulate ... do it now before the moment has passed. Coaching requires sensitivity, and instills it.

sdunn@susandunn.cc 817-734-1471 EQ coaching Emotional Intelligence (EQ) Programs for every budget.

Using EQ to get people to call you back and other things

I was killing time, waiting for a client call, so messed around on the Internet. Found a good article - liked the title anyway - something about how to get people to return your voicemails. Written by Scott Ginsberg. It had the usual stuff, some good tips, and then something BLEW ME AWAY. About halfway through, Mr. Ginsberg writes: "Character trumps technique."

I think that's the thing we long to hear (I do anyway), and long to encounter. Someone with character - with intentionality, in emotional intelligence lingo. They say what they mean and mean what they say. They come through. They deliver. They skip the drama and JUST DO IT. They follow the golden rule - treating ME the way they would want to be treated in the same situation.

And that no "technique" can get beyond someone who has no character. (I coach on this constantly to people who interview and hire for their companies and corporations -- no matter how great a person's degrees are, no matter how rich his or her experience, if he or she lies, cheats, steals, is abrasive, or offends others, they are not worth hiring. Right?)

The first thing we learned in Marketing 101, back in the Dark Ages, was that "PEOPLE DO BUSINESS WITH PEOPLE THEY TRUST." Plain and simple. (And not easy, evidently.)

Perusing further, I came upon an email ezine today from one of my favorite coaches, Mark Brandenburg, talking about teaching moments as a parent. Mark is a parenting coach, among other things. Mark Brandenburg says:

We are our child’s main teacher in life. We are surrounded by sarcasm, rudeness, and aggressive behavior. And we have a choice about whether our children become part of this kind of culture, or they adhere to a kinder, gentler, more respectful one. All we need to do is to commit to what we believe in as mentors for our children, and to follow through with “right action.”

To sign up for Mark's free and highly informative e-letter, go here.
A few of the pointers from the article (available HERE)

1. Start with yourself.

He wants you to consider whose calls you would answer first. As we say, emotional intelligence starts with self-awareness. "Without self-awareness there can BE no emotional intelligence."

2. Punch people in the face with your purpose.

This would be focus, an emotional intelligence (EQ) competency; perhaps intentionality. There must be a REASON for your call, and therefore you should give a REASON for a call-back. Makes sense. Why did you call? Well, make sure you say why. Mr. Ginsberg calls this "a call to action." He wants first-time callers to be "respectful and intelligent enough to state their purpose within five seconds of leaving a message." Sounds good to me.

Mr. Ginsberg then points out the difference between a "purpose" and an "agenda." It's a good article. I recommend it.

3. Pamper their ego.

But go a step further, he says, and make them feel essential.

And on the other end, and speaking of ETIQUETTE, which is basically what we are talking about here, along with CHARACTER and EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE -- let me interject here that one of the high points in my life was the day I, as a Development Director for a non-profit (that's fund-raiser) called an engineer in the middle of a nasty, awful day, when I was up to my eyes in alligators, and he answered the phone, "How can I help you?"

From then on, I could not do enough for this man. Word!

Well, two great resources for you there, and a third one - The EQ Course and the EQ Program that I offer, to increase your EQ, your emotional intelligence. It is no mistake that Mr. Ginsberg starts off with self-awareness, and later on mentions empathy. Leave someone the message "you were right,he recommends. It "demonstrates empathy," he says.

According to EQ assessments, incidentally, the average male tests significantly lower in empathy, than the average female (although in overal EQ, on the average males and females test within a few points).

So - male or female, if you want to raise your emotional intelligence, including self-awareness and empathy, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc or call me at 817-734-1471.

Just like Mr. Ginsberg recommends, I offer you two modes here - email, phone. Neat!

And be sure and check out the list he got from google on why people said they didn't answer calls. LOL. Here's just a couple --

“…He only wants to cause drama between us.”
“…He stood us up last time we worked together.”
“…He was known to be a incorrigible gambler.”
“…If he really liked me, then he would have called sooner.”
“…It seemed like he had nothing to say other than fishing for info.”
“…Our initial connection was lost because a first impression only lasts so long.”

WHY WAIT? Get into the EQ Program now. Most people call it "the missing piece."

Why Coaching is Essential to Learning to be an Effective Leader

Want to increase your abilities as a leader? Let me coach you in emotional intelligence, as I have for many professionals.

From an article entitled WHY DOES LEADERSHIP TRAINING FAIL TO PRODUCE RESULTS?, there are many references to emotional intelligence and the importance of coaching.

As a business leader, you have probably been well trained in logic and analysis. But a key leadership skill is the application of ‘emotional intelligence’ – the ability to know when things are ‘true’ or when they are ‘off’, when people are truly inspired, or just paying lip service. As a leader you need emotional intelligence to manage your own and others’ emotions, and you need skills appropriate to this task. Trying to do it by analysis and logic is about as effective as trying to drive a car by studying from a manual how the engine works.

People, especially in the business world, tend to avoid emotion – expressing it, dealing with it, looking at where it came from and its role in a situation. The rationale for not dealing with emotion, the very essence of leadership, is that all ‘this emotion stuff’ is ‘not professional’! Not so: it’s only ‘unprofessional’ to suppress emotion or express it inappropriately. When all ‘this emotion stuff’ is not explored and resolved in leadership groups, it always produces long-term tensions and political battles. These cause acute stress in individuals and cripple organisational effectiveness and efficiency. At the same time, they also destroy satisfaction, joy, fun, friendship, health, trust and a good night’s sleep!

It's a good article. Read it. And then sign up for emotional intelligence (EQ) coaching, leadership coaching, career coaching, and coaching for success. It does not cost 1000 lbs or $1000. You will be surprised at how affordable it is, and also how effective it is. Give it a try. Email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .

I haven't exactly kept up with the sordid details of the Mark Sanford's sordid little affair. Why bother. It's any or all of these: boring, predictable, disgusting, exacerbated by his apparent need to make it/keep it public, ho hum, blah blah.

We all know that some men do this. We all know an apology will not do. We all know that yes, it DOES reflect on one's ability to run a country/run a city/run a state ... because you cannot (no, you can NOT) separate a man's private behavior from his public behavior. And if he can't control himself with both marriage and career at stake, how could we expect him to control himself if there were really something important needing attending as governor of a state.

Jenny, Mrs. Mark Sanford, who comes from Winnetka, as do I, has so far moved only slightly off dead-center of every other political wife's reaction to this boring and disgusting behavior. She is not standing solidly beside her man, as Hillary and others have done -- for power, for money, for prestige, and basically what amounts to a horrible example to the young women of the world.

Jenny, Mrs. Mark Sanford, had a high-level career before becoming Mrs. and mother, but then so did Hillary.

Jenny has actually kicked him out, and spoken at least a degree or so more what one would like to here -- i.e., she told reporters that Mark's going to have to worry about his career himself, that she has the "character" of her family to look after.

The Sanfords, after all, have four SONS.

Shame on him.

If Mark couldn't behave like a decent human being for his wife, he might have done it for his sons.

There are few things that screw up a man like a father who has committed adultery, and this man has four sons. It is very hard for a boy to reconcile when his father has (1) made their mother cry, (2) caused their mother emotional pain, (3) done something every kid knows is "wrong", (4) may well lead to divorce ... I could go on and on.

Shame on him.

How Mrs. Sanford will ultimately handle this, the world is waiting to see. The effect on the boys ... will happen later. And a mere "apology" isn't going to do it.

See photo of Jenny with the boys here: http://www.scgovernor.com/NR/rdonlyres/79E04DF1-404F-42FB-8EF4-369DBF4C811B/0/jenny_boys.jpg

And men, don't write me letters saying "he used poor judgment." That doesn't pass the smell test. Mark Sanford used no judgment at all. Reptilian brain. You have to be THINKING, to use JUDGMENT.

Now how do you feel about having a governor (or even a pool repair man) who cannot THINK?

And, I still maintain, worse than that -- a man who would set such an example for his young sons, AND put them under that sort of psychological pressure.

"I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it.

We wait to see what Mrs. Sanford does. My heart goes out to her, but she's an adult. My heart goes out to the boys most of all. But Jenny will be the one who has to shepherd them through this and it is going to take a long time. And I have coached grown men who are still screwed up because their fathers fooled around on their mothers.